Sunday, July 14, 2013

Worlds' Finest #14

"That's for roasting Sniffer, Madame Slutowski the Sluttiest Slut from Slutty Sluts Lane!"

That wasn't me shaming Power Girl for her prodigious sex life! That was that jerky Parademon! See, as a writer, sometimes you have to put yourself in the shoes of characters you can't stand. It's a rough job but you can't have novels filled with courageous, kind, sweet, polite people or else there would be no conflict! At least their would be no outer conflict. I'm sure everybody would be whispering between their teeth about how fucking phony everybody else was acting.

One thing I've never understood is shaming women for having sex. Don't people want to have sex?! Why would you teach half the population that it's wrong for them to have sex and then praise the other half of the population for having sex with a good old slap on the back and a wink of the eye? It's a lot easier for everybody to get some action if you treat sex as an awesome experience for all parties involved (and the more parties involved, the merrier! Or more confusing. I forget which since it's been so long since I've been involved in lots and lots of orgies! Loads of them!).

You know what culture had it right about sex? Whichever one was always threatening to throw a virgin or two in the local volcano! That's the way to do it! You put that threat out there and all the young men and women are going to start throwing themselves at you to prove they're not worthy of the volcano's smoking hot maw. I'm pretty sure that's where the phrase "smoking hot" came from.

Village Elder: "Hmm. Young man. You are smoking hot."
Young Man: "Woah now! Umm, would you like to put your dick in my butthole?"
Village Elder: "That would not please the volcano, Young Man. But it would please me greatly!"

So, that's my life! Writing crappy porn at five in the morning while eating leftover Banana Cake! I'm doing my folks proud!

Hey, change of subject! Remember how The Huntress and Power Girl had just escaped Desaad's men and giant dogs at the end of last issue? Apparently they're still being pursued because Helena just woke up in another one of her safe houses which somebody had set on fire! Sure, sure. Power Girl may have fucked up making waffles. But I don't think Power Girl is currently in.

Helena spends a few minutes getting dressed in her Huntress costume as the cabin is consumed by flames. Hey, she can't just run outside in her pajamas for whoever set the fire to see her secret identity and her boobies! Second Catwoman taught her well about situations like these. After donning her gear, she heads out into the middle of the flames in the middle of the house and thinks, "No arsonist in sight!" I guess arsonists on Earth 2 are dumber than arsonists on Earth Prime who light the fires from the outside of the building.

Helena meets up with Karen in Woodstock where they enjoy themselves with a walk and some ice cream.

Ugh. Throw it away. It may have been over six months since Mister Terrific disappeared but who knows how much ass play Karen was giving him. Now, I don't mind my own fingers or tongue touching assholes that I'm choosing for them to touch! But I don't want somebody else's asshole nasty fingers all over my ice cream cone!

While walking, a fortune teller named Zara gives them a quick fortune about darkness and pain and evil and crap. Does this fortune teller expect to make any tips spouting this kind of horribleness? She must have gone to the Madame Xanadu School for Downer Predictions.

Madame Xanadu: "Here's a list of end of the world disasters to use in your fortunes. Feel free to improvise and make up some of your own. Rain of flaming bunnies? Razor rain? Flesh termites? It doesn't matter what you say because it'll never come to pass! Just convince some schmuck that washing your dishes or massaging your neck will stop the apocalypse from coming and they'll never know the difference!"

Hey Jim Shooter?! What are your thoughts on this comic book so far?

Jim Shooter: "The layouts are precise with panels of the same size at equidistant measures from one another. And there's plenty of cheesecake which is fine if that's what DC wants to sell! I mean, just look at all the bosoms! There's like six or seven of them on every page! This might be the best comic of The New 52 so far! But I'd expect that from Paul Levitz. He learned the business when the business was something worth learning! These kids today have never heard of a straight edge! Have you seen that Kenny Rocafort's layouts? What the fuck is that kid on?! Bathtime salts?!"

Meanwhile Desaad is busy congealing more warriors for his Kill the Wonder Girls Campaign. He also admits that he's trapped on Earth Prime with no way back to his Man-Husband, Darkseid. For five years, Desaad has had to go without a rip-roaring good Omega Effect. That poor creature must be ready to explode.

I guess some time passes by the very next page when Desaad's men attack a Starr Industries building in Oxford. I'm assuming this because Desaad's three warriors have finished congealing and now they're full fledged parademons! And I guess that's bad jelly beans because Power Girl finally seems a bit worried about where all of this Apokoliptian stuff is headed.

You just have to marvel at the tensile strength of that boob window.

Power Girl beats the deformed turds out of the Parademons but one of them gets away and goes after Helen, dragging her through a Boom Tube. Power Girl follows. Be with us next time for "Two Boobs are better than Boom Tubes" or "Desaad Truth."

Worlds' Finest #14 Rating: +1 Ranking because they looked so cute while walking about Woodstock.

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