Batman Incorporated #12

Batman, those kneepads are just silly. I approve.

Maybe I should finish reading my Preboot Batman Incorporated Trade Paperback before diving into this Final Battle! Also, I should take a nap. And eat breakfast. And play video games. Why am I suddenly trying to get out of reading comic books? When did it become such a chore?

Oh yeah. When I decided to blog about every stupid issue of The New 52. If I had a time machine, I'd go back to the beginning of 2012 and kick myself in the nuts. Then I'd point down at my face as I writhe in agony and I'd say, very sternly, "NO!"

Speaking of Time Machines, I think they've already been invented but people (past and future!) never realize (or realized or will realize!) that they need to be Time and Space Machines. So monkeys have probably been forced, screaming and kicking, into the Time Machine Prototypes. And then the machine is set for a minute or two into the future so that the scientists can witness it reappear. The machine disappears into time like it's supposed to but when two minutes have passed, no machine appears in the lab and the scientists go back to their drawing board to figure out what happened. Meanwhile, the Monkey dies freezing in outer space two minutes into his future as the Earth and our Solar System and the Galaxy have whizzed away from the Monkey's location. Of course I'm merely an internet scientist (that's a person that enters into forum discussions without any knowledge of anything but constantly does internet searches to make it seem like they can speak on a wide variety of topics) so I don't know how momentum would actually affect the way a Time Machine travels through space. I suppose since it doesn't actually exist within the two minutes that it's "leaping", it would simply reappear in the exact place in the universe where it leaped forward in time and then the momentum would keep it moving except in space instead of on Earth. And thus the time machine needs to be programmed to somehow travel through space as well as time. And those calculations are a lot harder than spinning a knob so it reads, "February 15th, 2388."

Anyway, I've now read Preboot Batman Incorporated because I hopped in my time machine that only moves forward in time and it does so in real time which gave me time to read the book in between last paragraph and this one. I love that Otto Netz's Alzheimer's Disease affects the way he traps Batman and his crew in continuously deteriorating spirals of repeated memories. I'd have to read it again to see how many things are repeated and doubled up on them selves across time and history, like Batwoman and Batwoman and the various Agent 33s. Talia pointing out that Leviathan is an acronym of her name with four or so extra letters was a nice bit too. Enough of old Preboot Material that I'm supposed to be ignoring (but can't since part of it came out during the Reboot anyway and Damian killed Otto Netz in this weird half and half Preboot/Reboot world that needed to be dealt with in Tomasi's Batman and Robin) because DC has changed, man, they've changed. Let's see Batman defeat BatThing and Talia now.

Oh Talia. If you'd just done a small amount of research by speaking with inmates at Arkham, you would have learned one very important thing: don't fucking poke The Batman.

I just had an idea for a story that I'd love to read. Batman, Aquaman, and Superman end up in some kind of Freaky Friday situation. Batman ends up in Aquaman's body, Aquaman ends up in Superman's body, and Superman ends up in Batman's body. Now Batman has to deal with being treated like a joke. I imagine he'd beat a lot of innocent people's teeth out of their heads. Aquaman gets to feel what it's like to be worshiped and admired. He'd probably find himself embarrassed by all the recognition. And Superman would find out what it's like to be absolutely feared. Not having to worry about his super strength hurting anybody, I wonder if Superman would take his fists out for a test drive on some of the loonies in Gotham?

Batman's army of bats have Man-Bat Antidote inside of them and they bite the Men-Bat back into simply Men. For Batman's part, he simply goes straight for BatThing.

Batman spends the next seven pages getting out his anger on the BatThing that killed Damian.

Meanwhile Red Robin and Nightwing find that rescuing Wingman doesn't take a whole lot of effort. The Headmistress of Spyral merely grabbed him up to remove a bad tooth and to let Batman Incorporated know that Spyral is out there handling the international super-criminal threat. Does this mean that once Grant Morrison finishes Batman Incorporated, we'll get a Spyral comic book that's kind of based on the same idea? Also, the Headmistress's identity is still not revealed. She has lips and a nose and black hair and teeth. And a left foot. Other than that, she's a complete mystery!

After realizing Jason Todd is cool, Nightwing makes it back in town to get out a little of his own anger.

I think I could accept Nightwing choosing to kill somebody because I trust he wouldn't make the decision lightly nor spiral out of control with more killing afterward. Of course once Batman gets a taste of it, look out Loony Bin!

Batman is horrified when he sees BatThing's real face: the face of bald Damian Wayne. BatThing was artificially aged but he still, like Superboy, has the mind of a child. Batman let's it go but Knight wants to kill BatThing for killing Knight. You know, when she was Squire. And since BatThing has to die but none of the heroes can kill it, Grant Morrison takes it upon himself to dish out a little justice by allowing lightning to strike the giant "W" on Wayne Towers which causes it to fall and crush BatThing.

Oh no, nevermind. The "W" just keeps Knight and the others from pursuing as BatThing escapes into Wayne Towers and back up to Talia.

Aubrey Plaza needs to play Talia in the Batman Incorporated movie.

Afterward, Talia blows up the top of Wayne Tower and heads off to the Batcave where Batman is waiting for her and the final battle.

Batman Incorporated #12 Rating: No change. If there are jars and jars of half-Damians/half-animals growing somewhere in the Middle East or Africa, can Batman find one with a gentle disposition and be happy with it? Maybe a Gerbil Damian? Or a Guinea Pig Damian? Or will Batman only be happy with the one, true Damian? Although I'm pretty sure that Damian was half German Shepherd.