New Guardians #22

Why do bad guys always want to break the hero? Regulus said the same thing about Black Canary in Birds of Prey #22! I blame that fucker Drago for this!

To begin, I should apologize to all of the Green Lantern: New Guardians Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Commentary fans. This is the second comic book of the day that I'm reading which means it won't be nearly as entertaining as the first one (Birds of Prey #22). That's because all of my random thoughts for the morning ended up in that one and now this one will strictly be about the comic book itself.

Hmm, maybe that isn't a bad thing! Maybe I should be apologizing to the Birds of Prey Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Commentary fans for rambling all over the fucking place!

Kyle and the Bohemian Guardians have managed to fuck up the universe on the first stop on their cosmic road trip. They popped a Cosmic Cyst which released a gigantic creature from a previous universe. His name is Relic although it probably wasn't Relic when he was in the old universe because that wouldn't make any fucking sense. Or maybe it's just a cosmic coincidence! A two cosmic coincidence since we're dealing with twice the cosmos here!

Relic's rebirth is a bit confusing for him. He's lucky that's all it is! He's lucky he's capable of existing in a vacuum!

Relic begins examining his surroundings and not bothering anybody but Exeter, my favorite martian, decides to put a stop to Relic's non-threatening behaviour. Exeter comes at him and Relic says, "A piece of paper? Somebody threw a piece of paper on me!" And then Green Lantern blasts him in the head and Relic goes, "What was that? A fly?" Kyle also finds that his ring cannot translate a language from another universe.

Kyle Rayner's light power disturbs Relic. It seems his universe had a Guardian of the Universe of their own named Lightsmith. He probably had a Lightswitch Corps to police the universe. Too bad Lightsmith burned that universe to the fucking ground. So now Relic is worried about this universe and he sees Kyle as a threat. Kyle is quickly overcome by Relic because Relic's universe must have been more powerful than Kyle's universe.

The Bohemian Guardians summon Carol Ferris from across the universe to help save Kyle. Are the Bohemian Guardians just not as powerful as the old Corporate Guardians? Why would they need Carol Ferris's help to save the day? Oh, that's right! They're the Bohemian Guardians! Their mantra is probably "All You Need is Love"!

Meanwhile Relic taps into Kyle's brain to learn the workings of this universe.

Look, he's a Relic of the old universe. Why would he be called Relic in that universe? Maybe it's because he had old fashioned ideas like "the universe shouldn't be destroyed" and stupid old timer shit like that.

Exeter creates a feedback loop of Star Sapphire's power between himself and his technology stolen by Relic. This enables Carol to contact Kyle in his Relic-induced dream state. So it looks like the Bohemian Guardians were right about Love being All You Need! Even Relic is taken by surprise by this. Because apparently humans didn't exist in his Universe so now he's going to learn how special humans are! They are the most specialist race in the galaxy! All other races learn so much from them! Just ask Star Trek!

Relic is most surprised by the White Light. I guess none of the Lightswitches in the old universe were able to control the power of the full spectrum. Kyle escapes with the help of Carol and Exeter! Now that Exeter has nothing to guard at the edge of the Universe, I hope he becomes Kyle's friend and maybe even his sidekick because he is my favorite character in all of DC Comics (ignore the fact that I say this about lots of other characters. Right now you should just believe my hyperbole so that you realize that nobody in the world could possibly like Exeter more than I do and I am the king of his fandom and if you think you like him more than me, you're wrong because I have him tattooed between my shoulder blades!)! That ending punctuation sort of looks like an emoticon of a surprised clown.

And then Relic takes his new spaceship and his newly acquired knowledge of this universe and heads off to kill a bunch of Lantern Corps!

Is it already time for another universe ending crisis crossover?!

New Guardians #22 Rating: +1 Ranking. Maybe this crisis will end The New 52 Universe and create an Old 52 Universe that takes place in Relic's old universe where The Lightswitches patrol the universe! And Pooperman was jettisoned from Rectum as a baby and now protects Girth from all evil while trying not to succumb to the power of Rectumite! Shatman patrols Gotmilk with his sidekick Knobbin! The Gash patrols Kidneystone City! Wombder Woman has left Pairatitties Island to make the world a better place! And...and...and forgive me. I'm so sorry for calling The Flash "The Gash". I can't stand that slang term! Using it makes me feel like I'm pledging for a Fraternity! I think I'm going to go throw up now!