Batman and Catwoman #22

If they fucked on the Bat Signal, who would respond to the image in the sky? Intercourse Man?

At some point in the distant future, a huge fan of Batman and Catwoman is going to be digging through a box of quarter comics and discover this issue in-between a copy of Groo #113 and The Astonishing X-men #44. They will then spend the rest of their life trying to find Issues #1-21 of Batman and Catwoman. They will spend this much time looking for those issues because the Internet will have locked up for a good thirty years previously and no amount of kicking the servers will be able to fire it back up. So all information will be lost since nobody remembers how to do anything anymore.

Typical Internet User: "I wonder how you make a nice stir fry? I'd better consult You-Tube!"

Has there ever been a super hero named Batmanana? If not, I just invented him! It's either Batman crossed with a Banana or Spanish Batman from tomorrow. Although that would actually be Batmañana.

This issue begins with Catwoman stealing a UHA Collect Club Figurine.

Notice I only recognize this famous artifact because the Japanese made a toy out of it. Me = Cultured!

Catwoman receives a JLA transmission from Steve Trevor telling her that she needs to earn her Government Pittance by doing a job for Amanda Waller the government. She asks Trevor if anybody has ever mentioned what a killjoy he is. Well duh! He dated Wonder Woman! Friday Nights, she was probably, "Let's go make the streets of DC flow red with the blood of the jaywalkers!" And Trevor was probably, "How about we just stay in and eat Tater Tots while watching Xena: Warrior Princess on Netflix?"

The scene shifts to Wayne Manor where Carrie Kelley is filming Bruce Wayne on her phone. See what happens when you get your son and your girlfriend killed and leave Alfred feeling super lonely, Bruce? He hires precocious college kids to come around the house and invade you privacy! Bruce seems a bit put out but who wouldn't be when you're trying to wake up and enjoy your morning cup of Batcoffee with some morning person blah blah blahing all over your peace and quiet time. But at least Titus is being taken care of. I wonder who is taking care of Batcow? I suppose since Batcow lives in the Batcave, Alfred can't hire anyone to take care of him.

I think I recently said Demon Knights was my favorite comic book but that's because I can't think of all 52 comics at one time when discussing them and I forget about most of them. Like this comic book! I think this is my favorite comic book! DC Comics needs to have a staff meeting where everybody gathers together and Dan DiDio brings Peter J. Tomasi up to the front of the room. He can point to him and say, "Read this guy's shit. Do what he's doing. But not with Batman and Robin! Use the characters you were assigned!" And then he'll call up Scott Lobdell for the what not to do section of the meeting.

Carrie Kelley offers Bruce the interview she recorded of Damian telling her why he wanted to take acting lessons. In exchange, Bruce is supposed have Damian call her within the week. Bruce agrees. How is he going to manage that? Can he offer Clayface time served to act as Damian again and speak with Carrie? Or maybe he just doesn't fucking care about lying to this kid butting her nose into his business.

Oh yeah! He has a Batcomputer at his disposal! I'd still rather see him use Clayface.

While he's splicing together a Damian phone call for Carrie, he gets an alert that Catwoman is stealing a bridge. Time to go either degrade her or have sex with her! What a romantic!

If you actually believed she was stealing a bridge, then I've got a bridge she stole to sell you. What she's really doing is putting out the Pussysignal. She slaps a silhouette of a pussy on a light on the Gotham Bridge to tell Batman she wants to see him. And Batman just can't seem to ignore that signal.

Catwoman just blabs her JLA secret to Batman. Amanda Waller can't keep any of her subordinates in line without a nanocite bomb collar.

Together, they infiltrate the Chinese Embassy looking for Amanda's super spy. I'm hoping the identity of the spy will be somebody interesting and not just some Doctor Noname I've never heard of. Although I suppose the entire point of this mission is really just to see Batman and Catwoman work together. And maybe Batman will open up about the death of his son so he can cry on Selina's shoulder. You know how hard it was to type "shoulder" and not "boobs"? Not very hard because I'm not a total sexist ass! Well, not on this blog, anyway! It's the hardest part of my "online persona" to maintain, the not being a sexist bastard part!

Rawwr! Kitty has verbal barbs! Which is odd since most kitties have claws.

I cast my vote for the previous panel as the best and cutest interaction between Batman and Catwoman of the entire New 52! And since that panel is the only nominee and I'm the only vote, it wins! I'll build a trophy for it later and give it away to one of my followers as Outsider Art. I don't even know what that means because the Japanese never made a toy based on Outsider Art! Unless they did and it was described in Japanese which I don't read.

This commentary should be called "Batman and All of My Flaws and Character Defects #22."

Batman's entire plan hinges on leaving no trace of their infiltration since storming an embassy could cause some major international issues. But in one of the panels where Catwoman and Batman are taking out the guards, Batman goes face to face with one. That could be a problem later! Although I doubt it will. So forget I even mentioned it.

Eventually they reach the asset and come face to face with a small army of mutant super powered bio weapons. So I guess the one guard seeing Batman's face earlier is a bit of a moot point.

I was close! It's the Daughter of a Doctor Noname Whothefuck!

This seems like an odd job to send Catwoman in on alone. She's meant to be good at infiltrating quiet, dusty places with lone watchmen and high tech security doing the brunt of the guarding. She's not really so good at making off with prisoners that are no doubt going to be watched more closely! And infiltrating an embassy is a bit like a mission in the computer game Thief. It might start out all quiet and sneaky times but before you know it, you're running your ass off from dozens of guards and just slaughtering everybody so that you can escape with every bit of treasure that you were too shitty a thief to pickpocket and burgle.

What I'm trying to say is this: It's a good thing Batman came along!

Batman and Catwoman take out the super-powered thugs because they've got the experience against the newly created nobodies. So the last person they need to deal with is the Scary Chinese Bad Guy Bureaucrat!

And he must have been a very scary bad bureaucrat indeed for the little girl to run toward and embrace Batman to get away from him. Maybe Batman is only scary to adults and insects.

Some time later after having saved the little girl, Selina Kyle arrives back at her penthouse to find a gift from Batman. It's a motorcycle helmet to replace the one he smashed over in that awful Catwoman comic book none of you should be reading. He leaves a note with it as well and I notice the note is severely lacking in "I'm sorry I almost killed you when I shoved you off of your motorcycle"s. But I guess you take what you can get when you're sleeping with the most unemotionally available man in the DC Universe. And that includes all of the psychotic super villains!

The issue ends with Carrie receiving a phone message from Damian and being properly fooled by it. She'll be keeping in touch with him via email from now on. And the final page shows Two-Face fail at massacring a restaurant full of people because his stupid coin comes up non-scars. And then next month: Nightwing! Finally! So Nightwing will be next and then the September Villain issue will drop and then in October, Damian will be back! No, that might be too soon. We still need a Batman and Alfred issue and a Batman and Batcow issue. Then, after those two issues kick ass all over my ass, Damian will be back!

Batman and Catwoman #22 Rating: +1 Ranking. All I have left to say is this: Peter J. Tomasi writes compelling characters and really nice, believable dialogue. This is a solid fucking book.