Dial H #14

This Issue: Nelson uses the Dial to become The Remover of Obstacles and defeats The Human Centipede on Frog World.

I think this comic is going to end next month. And I hope China Mieville plans to cliffhanger the fuck out of it. I don't want any nicely wrapped up story here! This book is too good to tie a bow on and hope the characters will return in some shape or form in DC's future. This thing needs to end in the middle of some serious fucking chaos. China needs to full blown Twin Peaks this shit! Do not go gently into cancellation, China! Fuck DC! I don't care if this comic book was losing money. As a company, you don't kill a comic that fans can point to and say, "See? DC isn't all about Scott Lobdell's jizz splashed across twenty pages (not counting ads)!"

Wow. If you could only see the fireworks going off in my brain and all the different things I wanted to start saying about Scott Lobdell, you'd cheer and applaud and think the country just celebrated another birthday already. But I don't want to get sidetracked talking about the luckiest mother fucker to work in comic books. ((The previous open parantheses (the one before the last one) indicates whispering!) he's lucky because he's talentless and has had a really long career!) I wonder if I really should have ended a whispered sentence with an explanation point?

The Frogs of Frog World look a tad bit different than on the cover. It's understandable. Brian Bolland is probably one of those cover artists that nobody dares to give art direction. "Shhh! Don't bother him! He's channeling genius!"

Nelson and Dwan have helped the Frog People by killing a Giant Fly that probably eats frogs. It also seems to have killed my favorite character in the Dial Bunch, Ejad the Robot Dandy. Stupid China Mieville! I'm glad your stupid comic book is getting cancelled! I'm going to write a letter threatening your life just like rabid fans did back in the seventies when Peter Parker's girlfriend Gwen "two first names" Stacy was killed! And Ejad was a much better character! You might agree with me if I let you read all of my Ejad fan-fic I wrote last month!

Now that Ejad is dead, my favorite character in the book is the Frog Kid.

The Dial Bunch are on the trail of The Fixer but it's slow going because they haven't been able to repair the Jump Dial. So they're just following whatever leads they can and, apparently, losing their best members through carelessness and horrible writing and stupid authors who can't see when they've struck gold with a character! If that monster China can kill a sweet, witty, sexpot of a robot like Ejad, who isn't he willing to kill? I bet the Dial Bunch land on a world filled with slaughtered kittens next!

See?! He's a fucking monster! I just declared Frog Kid my new favorite Dial H character and you foreshadow this shit?! China, did you make a bet with someone that you could become more despised than Scott Lobdell? You better get your act together, sir!

Why does the Frog Kid have mammaries? Frogs aren't mammals! Hey, Jim Shooter, what do you have to say about that?

Jim Shooter: "Fucking artists! Can't they do a little GD research once in awhile? They're all so lazy. This one time, I was writing a story about the Legion of Super-heroes. I was just fifteen but I was writing for DC, so that meant I was writing stories at least two or three years more mature than the other writer's stories. Anyway, I told the artist, "Look! Night Girl and Shadow Lass are fighting in the dark. I want five pages of black panels!" And what does the artist do? FIVE SLIGHTLY OFF-BLACK SPLASH PAGES! Can we get some panel breaks to support the flow of dialogue?! And what's with the off-black?! I said black, you moron! Ugh. What was that you were saying about frogs and titties?"

Thanks, Uncle Jim! You should guest star on Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm sometime! I sense a little chemistry there!

So the Dial Bunch head through a portal to another world. But before we leave Frog World and Ejad's body behind, I want to show you a drawing from one of my fan-fic's starring him! As a memorial!

Spoiler Warning: He touches it! He also snakes it. With his penis.

After the Dial Bunch leave Frog World, they end up in a world flooded by The Fixer and The Human Centipede (probably. I'm making assumptions! Because I like making an "ass" out of "u" and "mptions"!). A tidal wave is about to overwhelm the building they're on, so they Dial a portal to a new world. But only half of them escape! Yabaa, Nem, and Unbled don't make it. And then on the new world, Nelson, Roxie, Open-Window Man, Bansa, and Dwan are attacked by living weapons of war. Nelson turns into Moon Monkey and Roxie turns into Pipe Cleaner to defend themselves.

Except what good is a Pipe Cleaner? My cat defeats two or three of those every day. The Dial Bunch are captured so that the Weapons of War can question them by giving them as much information as they can. The Weapons of War aren't very good at the interrogating prisoners part of war.

Next there's a near prison break-out and then a zombie apocalypse and then an invader from another world. I guess China wanted the readers to realize that a great load of shit was about to hit a great number of fans. Hey! That's what happens every month that Teen Titans hits the newstands!

The cosmic invader is "O", the Great and Powerful. "O" probably stands for "operator" and not that other "O" word that everybody thinks of when they hear "O" because it's so much better. No, not Oprah, you jerk.

Holy shit! There's an Apocalypse Dial?! Shit is fucked up.

For the time being, everybody is safe because "O" lost his connection and his apocalypses disappeared. But he's probably busy dialing up a Plague of Toads in Frog World! My poor Frog Kid is going to die from warts!

Luckily for everybody, the Weapons of War, having some experience with the Dials in the Great Exchange Rate War, fixed the Jump Dial. Now this half of the Dial Bunch use it to head to the Exchange and finally put an end to this chaos.

When they arrive at The Exchange, they're greeted by smoke, ruins, and The Human Centipede. He's got some things to say. But not until next issue.

Dial H #14 Rating: +1 Ranking. Let me put the pieces together now and explain what's going on. A long time ago, there was a War of the Dials. They called them the Dial Wars. The President of The Exchange, "O", sold shares of super powers to various people on various planets. But when it was discovered those shares weren't shares at all but steals, the people asked for their money back. But "O" didn't want to give them any money back and instead decided to show those uppity customers some what for. So "O" decided to Strike Back and she sent her Dial Agents in to collect some bills. Nobody wanted to pay, so there was War. Destruction ravaged much of the universe and "O" lost a lot of power and money. So now "O" is going down her database of customers and dialing an Apocalypse for each of them because The Exchange has really, really poor customer service protocols. But "O" didn't expect the Return of the Dial Bunch! And "O"'s little sidekick, The Human Centipede, looks like he may have had a change of heart when he realized his girlfriend was out to destroy the universe, one apocalypse at a time. Later, we'll get some prequels and some cartoons and maybe a Holiday Special too. I'm looking forward to it!