Katana #6

Surprise! I bet nobody saw this coming!

Yesterday, Gail Simone reblogged my commentary on Batgirl #22 and said that my blog was hilarious and mean. I received about fifteen new followers yesterday because of it. Well, new followers, that commentary was a good example of the hilarious. But this book is written by Ann Nocenti. So get the fuck ready for a whole passel of the mean!

But first (and I realize I posted this by itself on Tumblr but not all my readers see the Tumblr feed), here's a flyer for the new charity I dreamt up this morning while half asleep and trying to go back to full sleep.

I should get a job writing copy for non-profits. Maybe this should be a really shitty t-shirt?

Back to Katana, last issue the entire action of the comic book moved to Japan. Every character involved in the story in Issue #4 was just transported to Japan for very important reasons that Ann Nocenti has yet to completely explain. But I have a feeling she needed Katana to go on a journey before returning home to discover what she always wanted was right there where she began. Like Dorothy! Or Bilbo!

You know what else Dorothy and Bilbo have in common? They're both thieves!

Issue #5 ended with all of the characters (plus a new one named Swagger) involved in a brawl that just got the greatest swordsmith to ever live (besides Junko) killed! So this issue begins with Katana making out with her sword.

Of course! How could I not have guessed this so fucking obvious beginning?

Her love making session with the sword is interrupted by The Creeper choking the shit out of her with his chain and lecturing her in his Valley Girl speak. I have no idea where an ancient demon picked up the "as if"s and the "boooooooooring"s. Maybe he picks up Jack Ryder's speech patterns and maybe Jack Ryder is a right fucking twat. It's also possible that I just have no idea why Ann Nocenti writes anything she writes. She may be a super villain and she's simply trying to confuse the world so she can slip in and take over.

And just as quickly as The Creeper arrives, he's forced to retreat back to Jack Ryder due to the rising of the sun. Why the fuck is The Creeper even in this comic book? He keeps appearing at the end of each issue only to run off at the beginning of the next one. Perhaps The Creeper was forced on Ann Nocenti by editorial and this is the way she's dealing with it. The Creeper arrives, kills the Swordsmith, lectures Katana, and then has to retreat from the rising sun. This ancient Japanese demon should probably invest in a watch.

Katana's wit is as sharp as her sword!

That last caption was a joke because her sword is broken and useless. I felt the need to point that out so that nobody actually thought that last panel was well written or interesting. It is mesmerizing, though. I think I've reread it about twenty times now. I just can't stop reading "Guess he picked a drunk to ride" and then "What's wrong, you pick a drunk to ride?" It's poetic. But not in a good way! It's poetic in that way a poem is poetic when some stranger at a party comes up to you and begins reciting a poem he wrote and you don't want to be a complete dick so you grin and nod your head and drink your drink as fast as you can so you can raise the empty glass at him and go, "Oh! Refill!" and run off to tell everybody about his bad poetry.

The Creeper flies off into the pre-dawn darkness while Katana watches him go and says, "I was right. Creeper missed most of the night because his host is a lush. And now he's gotta go back and endure the guy's hangover." And then, according to the next page, she collapses on the ground at the point of dying. That's what happens when you take the time to gloat, Katana! You allow yourself time to bleed out. But it was worth it, wasn't it? Telling him off! Showing him you were right! But now you'd better hope Sickle can stop the bleeding before Swagger realizes she should jump on this opportunity to kill you.

But while Sickle erotically tries to save Katana's life, Katana's husband's soul notices the way Sickle sexily puts pressure on the wound and lovingly tells Katana she can kill him later.

Never mind that Maseo had already told Katana to let him go and move on. Fucking guys. They don't want to be with a woman until some other guy is saving her life!

Sickle's supposition of jealousy speaks more towards his reasons for helping Katana than for Maseo attacking since Maseo isn't actually attacking. I guess that means Sickle still loves Katana! Maseo, on the other hand, also loves Katana. Did I use "on the other hand" correctly? I think I used it wrong. Anyway, Maseo takes over the Master Swordsmith's corpse so that she can be alive again for a little while and fix the Soultaker. So I guess I was wrong about Junko. Well, fuck me. I get to be wrong once in my life.

Meanwhile, Swagger doesn't do shit. Where the fuck did she go? She was in the final panel of Issue Five when The Creeper appeared. Shouldn't the editor have done something about this?

Harvey Richards: "Hey, Ann. What happened to Swagger? Shouldn't she be trying to kill Katana when she's near death here?"
Ann Nocenti: "Oh, fuck. I forgot she was there! She just doesn't fit in with this part of the story. Besides, it's been a month. Nobody will remember she was still hanging around."
Harvey Richards: "You do realize we collect these things into Trade Paperbacks, right? I think people will notice then."
Ann Nocenti: "So just have Sanchez draw her in later. She can be picking her thong out of her ass or something. That usually takes a while."

Oh wait! Here's Swagger's first appearance on Page Six!

I guess her line about thinking the Creeper would finish off Katana explains everything. Except why she sat back waiting for Katana to bleed out as Sickle helped her. Or why she's suddenly on the ground when she was just fine when we left her.

This bitch is crazy! I think Ann Nocenti should be forced to use less words.

Katana is taken by surprise and almost killed by Swagger. That's what Katana gets for forgetting that she was fighting Swagger and her men and not just The Creeper. Kenji brings out some weapons and Katana tells him to give her the hatchet. It's the first time I've ever seen anybody refer to a battle axe as a hatchet. I guess Katana is only familiar with swords. But then she's also been calling Swagger's weapon a rapier and it in no fucking way is a rapier! Perhaps Katana has a learning disorder? Maybe that's why she took the name Katana so she could remember what kind of sword she uses?

Oh! And her inability to know which weapon is which would explain the cover of Issue #5 if we believe it was the way she was perceiving the encounter!

See? She can't remember what a Sickle is called so she thinks this is Coil! Poor girl!

As Katana fights, she Narration Boxes, "I'm not used to the end-heavy balance of a hatchet. Deadly little thing, though." That "little thing" is bigger than Katana's torso! I have a feeling Ann Nocenti and Alex Sanchez weren't exactly in communication while they were working on their parts of the comic. And the editor either didn't notice or thinks Katana's disability is cute.

While Katana tries to study all of the weapons during the fight so she can do her best against her disorder, the Master Swordsmith goes about reforging the Soultaker. She says a bunch of annoying shit that I guess some people like. I should probably compare this Swordsmith and her speeches to Wordsmith Ann Nocenti and her scripts but thinking about things takes too much work. Nobody wants to hear me wax philosophic on the theme of the Swordsmith recreating the Soultaker in much the same way the Wordsmith is recreating Katana.

Although I do want to discuss Jack Ryder! He just flew to Japan to film one slight on location news segment and it's apparently the hit of Japan! But that's in the past. Let's see what's going on in Jack Ryder's future!

Good luck with that stupid lawsuit. First there is footage of you being eaten by some crazy monster on live television at PGN. So anybody saying you were dead has reason to believe it. But more to the point, let's not forget that YOUR FUCKING BODY WAS SHIPPED FROM METROPOLIS TO SAN FRANCISCO SO YOUR FAMILY COULD BURY YOU!

I guess that's all I had to say about Jack Ryder. I remember when I was fascinated by The Creeper character but that was years ago and before Ann Nocenti was the primary writer of the character. I imagine Justice League Dark #23.1 is going to be a rollicking good time! If you like court dramas and long-winded explanations of liable and slander.

Meanwhile Sickle tells Katana how to fight and then exclaims that they're good together. I hope Sickle is the first person Katana kills with the new and improved Soultaker. Then Maseo and his brother can once again be reunited and they can both sleep with the woman they love.

During the fight, Katana's battle axe slowly shrinks every panel it's shown until it really is about the size of a double headed hatchet. I think Alex Sanchez may have gotten a few phone calls from Harvey by this time. "NO! SMALLER! EVEN SMALLER! SMALLER THAN THAT!"

I can't really tell who is winning during the fight because nobody seems to be hurt or dying yet every time Swagger, Sickle, or Katana swing their weapons, blood flies around the panel. So somebody is getting injured but I have no idea who the fuck it might be.

And then Katana smells that her sword is done!

"TOO SMALL!"

Katana manages to get her sword back after Swagger tries to use it herself and burns her hands. This finally causes Swagger to retreat because how is she going to wield her Springy, Willowy Daggers anymore? She calls out for her dead followers to follow her and disappears into comic book limbo. I hope.

Katana's sword no longer contains the spirits of those it killed because the Master Swordsmith did not have time to invoke the "stupid spiritual ritual" while reforging it. That means Katana has her 13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo on the loose! She'll probably have to hunt them down because she can't let a bunch of crazy ghosts roam around riding innocent people. The first ghost she starts with is Maseo. She orders her husband back in the sword. But he doesn't seem interested. I don't blame you, Maseo; neither am I.

Chill, Maseo. It's not like she has a deadline.

Katana #6 Rating: -2 Ranking. This issue wasn't as editorially bad as last issue and it didn't make me quite as angry as I expected it to. But the characters don't speak like their backgrounds would indicate they should speak and Nocenti just bends logic and reality (even if it's just comic book reality!) to the breaking points. I used to love the character of Katana (especially in relation to Halo in The Outsiders comic) but I suppose I'm going to have to come to terms with my new hatred for The New 52 version.