Red Hood and the Outlaws #22

I never look forward to reading this book.

Scott Lobdell shit so much shit all over Red Hood and the Outlaws that they've been tainted forever. Now James Tynion has been sent in to clean them up but that cleaning process is boring the fuck out of me. Apparently I sort of liked last issue although I can't be certain that I wasn't on some kind of medication when I wrote the last commentary because I am not excited to begin reading this issue. No, I am more than not excited. I am loath -- LOATH! -- to read it.

Doom Bunny said I should suggest a new team-up to fight crime under the mantle of Red Hood and the Outlaws because I'm sort of hoping that Tynion kills off Jason Todd, Starfire, and Roy Harper. Not that I hate the characters! But I can barely look at them after what Lobdell did to them. I know it's not their fault! I'm acting like a person whose dog was just sexually molested by a raccoon and he just can't bare to look his dog in the eye anymore. "Are you kidding, dog? You couldn't stop that from happening?" Obviously I chose a dog and a raccoon instead of human examples because it's easier to accept me blaming the victim if it's a stupid dog that was victimized! But I know I shouldn't blame Jason Todd and Roy Harper and Starfire. But I do. I DO! Anyway, you can't judge me for blaming them because judging people is wrong on Tumblr. So fuck off, Judgy!

Oh! My new Red Hood and the Outlaws cast! First we need somebody to take over for Red Hood since we can't change the name of the comic book. I think The Red Hood should be female this time. I think it should be Jinx but not the normal DC Comics version; I'd like to see the Teen Titans cartoon version of Jinx as The Red Hood. Instead of Starfire, I'd replace her with Windfall from The Masters of Disaster (and Suicide Squad until she died. Jerks!). But this is The New 52, so she can come back and join this team. Lastly we need a guy that's not very useful and kind of annoying but thinks he's funny. I kind of like the idea of having Beast Boy on the team instead of over on the Teen Titans. And these three characters make more sense being on a team with "Outlaws" in the name than the current roster of Speedy and Starfire. Obviously Red Hood fits the Outlaw title but he's the Red Hood part of the title! So that's my hastily put together dream team for this comic book. It would probably change quite a bit if I actually thought much about it.

Currently Roy Harper is building shit for The Untitled to help them get into the City of Assassins, kill all of the assassins, and free Jason Todd. Kori ran off with Essence to try to save Jason Todd a different way. And the League of Assassins are convincing Jason Todd that his friends are assholes that will only get him killed. It's interesting that Jason Todd decided the people claiming to love him and hide the truth about his past (which Jason obviously wanted to hide himself! Jesus, Todd. Use some fucking logic) are his enemies while a woman running about poisoning everything, a weretiger named Ben, and a fancy magician called December are his best buddies in all the world.

Whoa! Calm down there, Tony!

Starfire is back on her Island Headquarters fiddling with a machine that scoops Essence out of the air and drops her at Starfire's feet. Starfire believes that doing this and then yelling "Wait! Listen!" will stop the hero on hero violence. She's pretty naive! Now I really do believe she's from another planet! Except she's from a planet that's far more violent than this one. So maybe that's why she thought it would work! Humans (or, um, human smoke monsters?) are more reasonable than Tamaraneans! I don't know if I spelled that right and I'm too lazy to look it up.

Anyway, Essence and Starfire decide to waste a few pages blasting each other with their Star Bolts and Shadow Darts. Starfire eventually beats the information she was seeking out of Essence. It turns out that breaking the seals on the Assassin's city to let in The Untitled is a "very, very bad" idea. It will make them unstoppable.

Hey Essence! I've got a tip for you to use in the future. When you have vital information that could stop the end of the world from happening, like say, keeping someone from eating a cookie that will unleash a world killing demon, you shouldn't just appear to somebody and say, "Don't eat that cookie." You've got to tell them what the consequences of their actions will be because Godfuckingdammit I'm going to eat that cookie! Just like Roy Harper decided to help the Untitled to save Jason because you weren't explicit! But you didn't have time to explain! Although now that Starfire pulled you out of thin air, you have all the time in the world to throw punches and eventually explain.

I have a feeling I shouldn't be reading comic books if I'm not willing to put in the time to buy into all the comic book tropes that hold everything together!

Meanwhile in Al'fons'hel'breath, Jason Todd is getting the tour of the city. There is a market full of things that kill people, Cheshire having sex with and killing people, Lady Shiva killing Man-bats, killing, killing, more killing, some other killing, and a little extra downtime killing. They must have a steady influx of immigrants to maintain this level of killing.

We get it. You can look like a tiger. Can you change the fuck back now? Or at least show us your tiger cock. Unless somebody made a virility soup out of it?

Jason and his assassin buddies are securing the city so that the Untitled can't destroy it. But Roy Harper is busy building a weapon capable of destroying it! And Essence is busy telling Starfire the history of The Untitled and Ra's al Ghul and the Well of Sins and how all of this shit fits together. Even before reading her story, the puzzle is beginning to take shape. Wells, Pits, Jason Todd, League of Assassins, Ra's al Ghul. So how do the pieces fit together?

The Untitled were created by The Well of Sins. The Lazarus Pits are runoff from the Well. The Well created The Untitled. Ra's al Ghul wanted to learn more about the pits and discovered the All Caste. He learned about the Well and took charge of it building his City of Assassins around it to guard it from anybody using it. The Untitled, the All Caste, and Ra's al Ghul all held to the deal and nobody used the power of the Well of Sins. But now the Untitled want it for themselves. And Jason, being a product of the Lazarus Pit, must be the Chosen One to stop them because he's so closely connected to it. So Roy Harper must be stopped from destroying the seal that protects the fountain. It looks like the Assassins may be on the right side!

Now Roy and Starfire and Jason are all set to go head to head to head for the fate of something. The world, maybe? Although Starfire and Jason are kind of on the same side. And Roy will jump ship when he finally smartens up. I think if the Untitled were all killed in this story line, it'd be good enough for me. Tynion doesn't have to kill the main characters.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #22: No change. For many, many months, I felt the most apathy towards Batwing. But Red Hood and the Outlaws, now that I don't completely hate it due to Lobdell's writing, has taken Batwing's place as the most uninteresting comic book of The New 52! As you can tell, my rankings depend a lot on how much fun I have writing the commentary. This book is a snoozefest. Also, I'm not a fan of Julius Gopez at all. It's amazing the difference between his solo pages and the pages inked by Ray McCarthy. They're not my favorite pages either but you can tell Gopez's work is getting a big lift from Ray's inks.