Action Comics #22

Yay! Pure Scott Lobdell goodness!

I haven't said anything about the time I met Gail Simone and her husband at the Portland city comic con. I felt that, maybe, I should not say anything so that other comic book writers and artists will speak to me without worry of me blabbing their secrets all over the internet. But I've had a few glasses of sake and it's not like Gail Simone said anything negative about Scott Lobdell anyway. It was her husband! Sort of. Maybe.

Now I feel like a real journalist! I'm going to print my "experience" of events instead of well documented quotes!

So, I approached Gail Simone and her husband and said, "Hello, Gail! I'm the person who writes Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. Would you sign my book?" And Gail looked at me as if I just hypnotized her and shined the bat signal in her face. Perhaps she just didn't know who I was. At that time, maybe it was simply her husband who had followed me and said, "Your reviews are mean and hilarious." But then her husband stepped up and said, "Your commentaries are really funny. And true!" I knew exactly what he meant! He was telling me with that statement that everybody associated with DC thinks that Scott Lobdell sucks! I'm pretty sure that's what he meant. I'm not sure how I could interpret it any other way. Especially when he said, "And the people you write about are Gail's friends!" See? Scott Lobdell is Gail's friend! I think I totally cracked the code! What he was saying was that Scott Lobdell sucked! And what Gail was saying with her eyes and deer-in-the-headlights look was, "Hey, hubby, shut the fuck up before you get me in trouble already!"

A friend of mine met Gail and her husband at the Denver Comic Con event where people were able to meet the artists. He said that Gail's husband asked them what ice cream flavor they would be. I think what he meant by that was, "Scott Lobdell is a horrible writer, isn't he?" And I'm a professional journalist, so my interpretation of the events is probably fairly accurate.

Boy, I hope if I ever meet Gail Simone again, she'll still talk with me. I wish I had prepared better for meeting Gail and Scott Lobdell. But since I'm not used to meeting the artists, I just asked them to sign my Big Book of DC New 52 #1s. Afterward, I thought I really should have asked Scott Lobdell which of The New 52 comics was his favorite. I also should have asked him if he knew how to write a decent story.

Hey look! It's the same old "My name is Superboy" splash page beginning! Can't this respected comic book author begin a comic book in any other way?

Speaking of Scott Lobdell being a respected writer, listen to how this excerpt sounds from Marvel Comics: The Untold Story by Sean Howe:

But within a few months, Byrne, like Claremont, was faced with impossible turnaround times, forced to dialogue from last-minute faxes of Lee and Portacio's artwork [on X-Men]. The pages were arriving piecemeal, three at a time, and every time another fax came through, the plot would take an unexpected turn, so that Byrne would have to rewrite the previous pages.

He found his breaking point when Harras called and asked him to script an entire issue overnight. Byrne refused. "Something's gotta be done about this," he told Harras. "This is insane."

"We'll take care of it," Harras assured him, then hung up the phone and hurried over to Nicieza's office. "John's not scripting this issue," Harras said. "Can you do it for me?"

"When do you need it by?"

"Tomorrow."

"There's no way."

At that very moment, Scott Lobdell, a struggling stand-up comic who was always hustling for freelance writing gigs, walked by Nicieza's office door. Nicieza, smiling, pointed his finger, and Harras looked up.

Harras hung his head and let out a resigned sigh.

Lobdell finished the issue overnight. Two weeks later, Byrne heard from a friend who'd seen Lobdell at a party. Lobdell had been given the regular X-Men writing assignment. "Years later," Byrne said, "I was told you should always be careful when Bob says, 'We'll take care of it.'"

Does that story paint Lobdell in a good light? Holy fuck no! Nobody seems to have wanted him writing! But the fucker can make a deadline, so he got the job. And he's had a job writing comic books for twenty years because he can make a deadline. Well fuck! I can make a deadline too if my stories don't make any fucking sense and ignore the characters' histories and motivations! I can tell an artist, "Orion comes to Earth and fights Superman. Meanwhile, Diana Prince goes to a get-together at Lois Lane's house. Draw that shit!" And then after the artist draws it, I can just add whatever dialogue pops into my head! Lobdell got the job because he scripted an entire comic book in one night. Fucking I believe it. ALL of his scripts read like they were written in one night.

Back to the story, while Hector Hammond goes for his Space Sit on some mission for H.I.V.E., a creature named Straith from the Pax Galactica arrives to declare he comes in peace. What is it with Scott Lobdell and his love of aliens with Roman heritage? Get the fuck over it already, Lobdell. Your scripts are worse than Gene Roddenberry's "allegory" stories from the first generation Star Trek series. Holy shit, Roddenberry was an awful writer!

Straith says, "Needless to say, I come in peace." Is that really a needless thing to say? Seems to me like it's a very important part of the greeting! Especially when you appear out of no air (I can't say 'thin air' since he appears in space, right?) wielding a fiery weapon and a righteous ponytail!

Firstly, I'm pretty sure nobody is saying "moron" in this guy's language on his home planet. Secondly, why is Hector Hammond thinking this at his men AND at the alien? Shouldn't this be a private communication? Thirdly, oh fuck no! The Hector Hammond story is going to be continued for three more issues of Superman?!

Since the alien comes in peace, the first thing he does is try to destroy H.I.V.E.'s space ship. That seems appropriate. Whenever I move to a new neighborhood, I bring cookies to the neighbors and say, "Nice to meet you, neighbor! I hope we can live in peace!" And then I smash the cookies in my neighbor's face and shit in their garden and shoot B.B. guns at their pets. And everybody smiles and nods and says, "That must all be okay since he said he wants to live in peace! What a fantastic guy!"

This might be why Scott Lobdell was able to dialogue an entire comic in one night. Because he gets the first few pages and scripts it as if the alien was friendly. Then the next few art pages come in and show the friendly alien smashing everything to bits. So Lobdell doesn't change anything. He just continues to dialogue it as if it makes sense. "I come in peace! Which is why I must peacefully destroy your weapon of war!"

And take a look at the hilarity present in the following panel. It's truly hard to believe that Scott Lobdell was a struggling stand-up comic.

Ha ha! Look at Hector Hammond act brave but then not be brave! It is funny because it is hypocritical! And because he has a big head!

Meanwhile Clark Kent is out on the town with Cat Grant trying to get some entertainment story on some great director's final film. I thought Clark wasn't going for this stupid website idea? Why would Clark want to work on a blog with a crappy name? Clarkcatropolis.com? It's no Eee!TessAteChaiTea, that's for sure! Here's what doomkopf.com had to say about my blog name: "best blog name ever, btw."

Cat Grant is trying to get an interview with some nobody who is apparently a somebody but the somenobody's agent doesn't want a blogger getting an interview, so she pulls her client away. That's when Clark uses his super powers to advance his and Cat's career by melting the iPads of all the reporters in the room with his Super Vision! This fucker is unethical and dangerous! But that's not the worst part of Scott Lobdell's script! Oh no! DC once again allows Scott Lobdell to invent a "NEW THING" for the DC Universe! Idiots.

I do like that Lobdell uses Superman's sense of smell. I'm always wondering why that doesn't come up more often!

Hey look! There's a new compound in town! INFINITIUM! I'm really fucking surprised it's not OMNITIUM! What could it be? Is it tougher than Inertron? Is it more awesomer than Adamantium?! Is it capable of slicing easily through diamonds with the gentlest of pressures?! I don't know! Let's find out what Lobdell's amazing imagination has in store for us!

Somehow Superman knows that the only Infinitium in this dimension is inside his Fortress of Solitude. Really, Superman? How the fuck do you know that? Have you been everywhere? No? You haven't? Then why make that kind of statement? Oh, because you're being written by Scott Lobdell? Okay, that's understandable.

Superman scans the actor, Harlan Quint, with his non-cancer causing X-ray vision. Or his very lightly radioactive X-ray vision. He notices that Harlan Quint is a fucking robot! But not only is he a robot, he's a robot from both the past and the future! I guess that means he's powered by Infinitium but he's programmed by punch cards.

And then Superman gets a distress call from Hector Hammond. Did they become best friends? I guess we won't know until we've read Superman #22-24! Fuck you, DC! Stop doing that! You know I don't own a time machine! Or, at the very least, you should probably suspect that I don't! Anyway, it seems Superman knows as much as I know! Only Hector Hammond has been through Superman Issues #22-24 already. Superman seems to have even less knowledge than I have after Superman #21, since I know how Hector escaped S.T.A.R. Labs and Superman doesn't.

Stop pouting, Superman, and just help him. Or at least get him back to S.T.A.R. labs! Are you just going to let him claim to be a threat and get away with it?!

Superman goes to investigate Straith who is sitting on the moon fiddling with something. No, not that! This isn't a Teen Plus Rated comic book! When Superman draws near, Straith elbows him in the chin and says, "Do you have an Earth word for 'shut up'?" Um, yeah, dumb dumb! It's shut up!

Of course Straith's blow knocks Superman off the moon and across space. Because Lobdell doesn't really know how to present a challenge to Superman. He just brings in another creature that is really strong and they punch each other in the face a lot. Even when Hector Hammond was supposed to be causing trouble with his mental abilities, it really just came down to Orion and Superman slapping each other.

Speaking of Lobdell's earlier Superman plots, where is Lana Lang, Superman's Mind Zombie?

Oh look! Another threat to the entire Omniverse! I don't think Lobdell is capable of thinking of any other plot device.

Superman claims he has never heard of Pax Galactica. Well that's odd. He knows about every piece of Infinitium in this dimension! That must mean that Pax Galactica are from another dimension. But then why would Straith give a fuck about saving this universe? Because this universe is not a part of his universe if he's from another dimension. That's just the way Stephen Hawking says it works!

Some green female alien named Lourdes stops Superman and Straith from battling each other because they need to be prepared to battle Lexus. You see, Lexus is yet another threat to the universe like none seen before! I bet you the fuck out of everything (whatever that means! If only there were an Earth word for "shut up", I'd tell you that right now!) that Lexus ends up being even dumber than Oracle!

Next, the back-up story about Lara and Jor-el on Krypton continues to suck all over the final eight pages. First, it uses a period in the first Narration Box when it should have used a colon. So that really ruined my mood. Get the fucking punctuation right, DC! Do you need me to send you some colons? Because I will! I'll fill your office with colons of every size and shape! You won't know what hit you, DC! Could this be considered terrorism? Threatening to send colons to DC's offices? I hope so! Fuck you DC and Homeland Security! You're both taking away my freedoms!

I just...I can't even...I have no words. I hate the back-up story. I loathe it! Krypton's military hates knowledge. The leader, The ERADICATOR, wants to make people stupid and run their lives and then destroy them and then...well, I don't know what then. Sit in a corner by himself masturbating to the amount of power he had? I'm truly stupider for having read that crap.

Action Comics Rating: -5 Rankings. Come on, Scott Lobdell! I truly, truly believe in you! I think you can write a decent comic book but you just don't fucking care. You want to be a writer and you want the check. But you don't seem to give a shit about the art! Prove to us that you have it in you! PLEASE! Spend some time crafting a fucking story! Take a few months and give up on "the Marvel Way." Write the script, the page layouts, the dialogue! Form the fucking story before hand. Don't worry about whether you're surprised by the story or not. Worry about surprising (and pleasing!) the readers! Fuck me, Lobdell. I know you have it in you. I know it! Please try. Just fucking try. Don't you long to do something like V for Vendetta! Where's your passion to produce something as revolutionary as The Dark Knight Returns? Be meaningful, you fucking asshole! Please! I'm just so fucking tired of your hackneyed bullshit. I'm willing to fucking believe in you. I know I'm just a shitheel internet nerd. But prove me wrong, you glorious bastard! PROVE ME FUCKING WRONG!