Suicide Squad #22

"Oh my God! They've reruined Harley again again! Fuck DC! Give use the old new Harley back! Change is scary! I hate growing up! Why does everything die?!"

This is a phrase I couldn't stand hearing back when Harley first appeared and now I get to hear it all over again due to Palmiotti and Connor's upcoming Harley Quinn book: "I liked the old Harley better." There are subtle imaginative and creative variations on this statement but it all comes down to the same statement: "I liked the old Harley better." You know who you're surprising with that wildly creative criticism? Absofuckinglutely nofuckingbody! Although I'll defend your right to say uncritical, unintelligent, boring personal opinions because of America and shit. But I'll super-defend my right to say those opinions bore the ever living glory out of me. You know the main reason I hate hearing "I liked the old Harley better"? Because I seriously fucking doubt that any DC fan out there has taken the other side of the argument! "No, no! You're wrong! This new Harley written by the fabulously insightful Adam Glass is heads and shoulders and over-sized mallets above the old one!"

Hmm. You know what? I take that back! This is the internet where the Kings of Devil's Advocatism reign! "The new Harley Quinn is a mature, postmodern look at a woman driven past the breaking point by the abusive man she can't quit. She's a strong woman that has shaken the shackles of her love bondage from her mind and freed herself completely to be the intelligent, sexual, whimsical, serious Übermensch she always had the potential to be. Shedding the one piece footie costume was metaphor for breaking out of her cocoon. Her multi-colored ponytails have unfurled as her new wings. She wears less clothing to illustrate her greater freedom. And she fucks the shit out of Deadshot simply so she can make a joke about her vagina being like a clown car."

Okay, I almost had myself believing the new Harley was a genius creation until that last line where I remembered she once called her vagina a clown car. Oh Adam Glass. That was just awful.

Why do I always end up talking about Harley and her fans?! It just makes people angry because I always speak from a place of authority instead of backpedaling and mewling and placing "I thinks" and "in my opinions" in front of every Goddamn sentence! I should contemplate King Shark more. I wish he'd get his own book. Although I really don't like the King Shark being written by Ales Kot. In my opinion, Ales Kot has decided that King Shark was a Shakespearean Actor before he became a Man-Shark God. I think that's a poor way to take the character. If you'd allow me my humble suggestion, I would rather he maintained a mysterious persona driven mostly by the desire to eat the faces off of people.

This issue begins like an episode of Dragnet.

"This is the city. Las Vegas, Nevada. It was established in 1905 as a place to bury murdered prostitutes. Every month, more marriages end here than begin here. And that's a lot of marriages since Las Vegas is known for its quickie Elvis Impersonator Drive-thru Blackout Drunk Marriage Chapels. The economy is based on gangsters, pickpockets, and the sex trade but don't worry: it's family friendly. It also sports one of the highest "suicide" rates in the country. I just did air quotes with my fingers around suicide as I narrated. That's because those "suicides" are actually gangland hits. And when those "suicides" turn up in the desert, somebody has to figure out how they died. That's my job. My name is Waller, Amanda Waller. My partner is James Gordon, Jr."

The Suicide Squad have arrived in Las Vegas to participate in the "suicidal" body count. Deadshot and Harley are undercover playing Roulette when a pit boss approaches them for mysterious reasons. Usually those reasons are because security thinks they're cheating, they have bad body odor, or they're kids have just fallen in the fountain and drowned. It's also possible that they were recognized since Harley still has the white skin and she's wearing a mask. Oh! Wearing a mask will also bring security down on your heads pretty quickly!

I don't know why Deadshot is playing Roulette! He seems more like a Craps man to me. You get to accurately throw things. It has the best odds of survival. You get to kiss people for good luck. Maybe I'm just projecting. I love Craps and I would never play Roulette! I also think I have a gambling problem although I haven't gambled for many, many years. So it's not much of a problem now!

By the way, Harley looks great in her showgirl costume. I like that in the privacy of my home office, I can look at Harley and say she looks great in her non-footie outfit and not have to hear anybody say, "I liked the old Harley better."

On the third page, The Unknown Soldier appears on a billboard by a big breasted woman in a chain mail bikini (No, no. She's blonde) and shoots a terrorist in the face. It's very possible that these first three pages alone have been more entertaining than the entire 21 issue run previous. This is how a Suicide Squad book should begin! This is how these fuckers should act! These three pages have set the bar pretty high for the rest of the comic book. Hopefully Ales Kot doesn't just saunter on under that bar.

Although, if this issue does continue to be this good, then I really have to wonder what the fuck DC is doing driving Kot off of the book? So in a way, I hope it gets worse so I don't have to feel the Squad was finally headed in the right direction, only to be fucked by DC's editorial Fist of God.

The Soldier allows the terrorists to drive themselves to Waller since he promised them freedom and also to not shoot them in the face if they help The Squad defeat their employers. If these guys knew anything about Amanda Waller, they would have chosen to be shot in the face. Instead they head to their Mother with King Shark following.

Harley and Deadshot beat some more information out of the guy that I thought was a pit boss but was apparently an Anarchoterrorist working for Project TMA-3 ("Too Much Ass 3"? Are they stopping a porn production?). They also continue to say fairly unfunny things. If that's one thing I haven't liked much since Ales Kot took over, it's the not very funny snark coming out of Deadshot's mouth.

At least Harley still looks cute.

Amanda Waller sends Deadshot, Harley Quinn, and The Unknown Soldier into the worst hotel room in the world. It's because Dick Halloran isn't around to warn them not to go into it. But apparently there is a switch in the room to turn on the hypnosis billboards. Cheetah and King Shark are attacking The Mother's headquarters which seems fitting since The Mother is asking her children to consult their spirit animals.

What good is consulting your spirit animal? How many different types of advice can it give you? If your spirit animal is a kitten, it can advise you to "eat" or "potty" or "attack some string" or "spaz the fuck out" or "head bump" or "run around a table leg fifteen times." I guess some of those are good advice!

My spirit animal is a raccoon. It usually just tells me to "search the trash" or "wash your hands." I never listen to it.

When King Shark crashes through the roof, he reveals his secret identity to the enemy.

Maybe it's not his secret identity. Perhaps it's just gas from the escort he ate earlier.

And then The Mother reveals herself!

Nightshade! I thought I recognized her crazy hair profile in the shadows but my mental block kept telling me it was Medusa. My mental block is fucking stupid and doesn't know the difference between DC and Marvel.

I suppose The Suicide Squad is going to defeat her and then shove her on the team at a later date. At least, that's what would have happened had Ales Kot continued to write the book! Now I have to hope Matt Kindt (or whoever continues the series) remembers her!

After the billboards go live, the anarchists fuck monkeys at the Luxor and a shit monster rises out of the sewer treatment plant. So, you know, a usual Tuesday night in Las Vegas.

Waller radios Deadshot to tell him a gigantic shit monster is headed his way. And then Ales Kot finally makes me laugh. I mean, he's been trying so hard up until now that I kind of feel bad that it took so long.

The monkey primed me. Monkeys always prime me! Especially in Las Vegas.

Nightshade gets away while the rest of the Squad converge on the Human Shit Monster. As I noted in the previous issue, it's actually made from people. Speaking of being made from people, this is what I heard while eating at The Laughing Planet yesterday: "Who ordered the Soylent Green?"

But I'm still going to refer to this creature as a Shit Monster. But since I'm going to simply say they defeat it next paragraph, I'll only refer to it once more that way.

The Suicide Squad defeat the Shit Monster with bullets and shark's teeth. I'm not sure what the billboards hypnotizing people had to do with it. Perhaps because it was really a Suicide Corpse Monster and the billboards were causing people to commit suicide. Not that any of that matters now because you know what they say about Vegas. If you don't, fuck you. I'm not going to say it because it's a stupid slogan to have for a city.

While Amanda and Gordon are celebrating their first victory as a team, Waller's scientists come in with some terrific news!

Yay! No more Samsara Project! Or Deadshot. Or Waller. Or Harley Quinn. Oh well, at least no more resurrecting!

Suicide Squad #22 Rating: +5 Ranking. I don't know how Ales Kot's leaving is going to affect this but this will now be considered the First Issue of The New 52 Suicide Squad. The previous Kot issues can be Prequels. And those issues actually work much better if we ignore the previous issues the same way that Ales Kot ignored the previous issues! But I guess we'll simply be starting again in a few months, eh?