Legion of Super-heroes #22

Why is Lightning Lad so muscular? If I had lightning powers, I'd never bother with working out. Hell, I don't have lightning powers and I never bother to work out!

The Legion of Super-heroes Plan A is to throw every single member at a problem until one of them has the ability to solve it. Why not? You could lose three hundred Legionnaires and still have too many to remember. Every now and then, the Legion needs a huge cosmic cataclysm to thin out their ranks. Otherwise Earth's economy would collapse from having to pay all of their salaries.

Last issue, nearly the entire Legion had been defeated by Tharok, The Persuader, and the Goddess of All Space and Time, Emerald Empress. The only two left standing were Lightning Guy and Saturn Gal. Why is Saturn Gal called Saturn Gal? What does "Saturn" have to do with "telepathy"? Maybe I'm just too ignorant of the scientific intersection of Astronomy and New Agism.

Oh. She's from Titan. That explains it. Kind of. I suppose Saturn Girl sounds better than Titan Lass.

And if you ever wondered why some of us comic fans grew up a bit maladjusted, I present Exhibit A.

They might be dead but I'm still turned on by their ability to collapse in the sexiest poses imaginable.

Hey, Jeff Johnson! It wouldn't hurt to portray the downed Legionnaires as if they've just been beaten nearly to death! These women don't look near death. At the best, I'd say they're feeling a bit languorous; at the worst, they're deep in erotic dreams.

Tharok, being composed merely of digital data, commands The Persuader to finish Lightning Guy and Saturn Gal. But Lightning Kid is too quick to be hewn in two. Saturn Girl uses her mental powers to stop The Persuader in his tracks. Until the most gorgeous woman in the universe SHWOOPS in to ruin her day.

No wonder Tharok and The Persuader are bald! Hair is a tactical disadvantage!

The Emerald Empress had better be careful about the types of hair pulling shenanigans she brings to the battlefield. She's got more hair than everybody in the Legion combined! With Saturn Girl out of the picture, The Persuader regains his crust and gets back to chopping lightning bolts.

Meanwhile, the other Legionnaires are still dead. Or in sexual ecstasy.

"Oh rock! I've never been fucked like this before! I mean, Ow! I'm dead!"

If you're wondering why I'm not showing the male Legionnaires collapsed in sexual gratification, it's because they simply look like they've collapsed from fatigue. Anyway, I'm pretty sure this kind of thing is why the Comics Code Authority was invented! Because so many young boys were growing up to be necrophiliacs.

The Persuader continues to beat back Lighting Lad. As he does so, he asks if Lighting Lad is going to "cry in his coffin." Oh! That's good! Now when I sing along to "You're So Vain", I'm going to sing, "There were clowns in my coffin! Clowns in my coffin!" Man, that's terrifying.

While The Persuader wastes time coming up with the "cry in your coffin" line (I have a feeling he's not too bright), Lightning Lass finishes fucking the dirt and blasts him in the back. KRACKOOM! That's the sound of justice!

If I were basing my Legion of Super-heroes ranking on Emerald Empress Moments, it would get a +15 already!

I suppose it's difficult using your mind powers when you're being flung about by your ponytail. Although it might help if Saturn Girl were grasping Emerald Empress's arm instead of holding her head. I guess Imra missed the "What to do when your enemy swings you about by the hair" class.

Tharok and the Emerald Empress, carrying Saturn Girl, transport away to safety in Tharok's Magic Portal while Lightning Lad dives in after them. The scene then shifts to the Promethean Giant where Tiny Wazoo was last seen.

Shut up. I know her name is Tinya.

A mystery couple is following closely behind the Giant in a spheroid ship. I might have a guess who is flying the ship but I know nothing about Legion history. But the female wears a white glove and once thought she was lost forever! That's probably a clue!

Meanwhile on the Promethean Giant, Tharok and the others appear. That's a good place for them to appear so that Phantom Girl can save the day and prove she's the greatest leader that the Legion of Super-heroes has ever had!

Except Saturn Girl defeats the Emerald Empress with one of her mind tricks and then Invisible Kid and Frozen Boy return from the Land of the Dead. The only member of the Fatal Five left is Tharok and he's just information in the shape of a bald asshole. Although I don't think a fifth member was ever actually revealed. Unless the fifth member was the Promethean Giant. Maybe it was Comet Girl.

Oh Tharok. Could you at least let the Legion figure out how to defeat you on their own? Just like a villain to open their fucking mouths one too many times.

And then it turns out the Promethean Giant is the final member of the Fatal Five. You know what the biggest problem of the Fatal Five is? Limiting themselves to five members! Tharok does realize his greatest enemy has about three billion members? Tharok is one cocky son of a space whore.

The Promethean Giant begins smashing itself in the chest as it tries to smash the Legionnaires standing on it. I suppose it would just beat itself to death if Phantom Girl were the only member standing on it as it kept trying stupidly to crush her. But since the members of Legion standing on the Giant are crushable, somebody needs to stop the giant. And that somebody is Sensor Girl! And, um, Karate Kid!

Was that a surprise reveal? Were these two Legionnaires lost in time or something? Is this a moment where I'm supposed to cheer at their triumphant return? Because revealing that one of them is named "Karate Kid" kind of let the wind out of the sails.

Karate Kid does not do a flying kick into the Promethean Giant's face to end the battle. That may have been a more awesome way to end the fight but probably a bit unrealistic. And if there's one thing Legion fans demand, it's a sense of realism! So instead, Sensor Girl wakes up the Giant's real memories so it can realize it's being used by Tharok and turn on its puppet master.

All that's left to deal with now is Tharok and it's all up to Snow Boy!

"Least of all Legionnaires"? Shit, that's hugely debatable. Did you not see Karate Kid out there?

After all is said and done, only one Legionnaire is dead: one of Duplicate Damsel's duplicates. Phantom Girl hasn't returned and Star Boy is still missing, but they'll turn up in the last issue, I'm sure. I thought for sure this plot would end with the Legion's roster dropping a few names but instead it's gained a couple! Holy Two Girls, One Grail! This entire run is going to end with even more members than it began! And one of them is named Karate Kid!

Legion of Super-heroes #22 Rating: No change. I enjoyed Emerald Empress but then Karate Kid and Sensor Girl returned from somewhere and it didn't matter at all to me. That's when I truly realized I will never be a part of this club. Sorry, Legion of Super-heroes. But you just have too much history to truly be part of The New 52 Reboot. Perhaps DC should just start an offshoot company that publishes Legion of Super-hero comic books. It can be the Future 52! And instead of 52 titles per month, it would have 256!