Green Arrow #22

There's never enough barfing when Count Vertigo is around. I hope The New 52 fixes that.

I began this entry about an hour ago and look how far I've progressed! Stupid internet. Here's a timeline of my last hour:

4:02 AM. Type caption under image of cover.
4:03 AM. What the fuck do I write about now?
4:04-409 AM. Pet cat in my lap.
4:10 AM. Oh yeah! I was going to discuss how Modern American Horror Movies constantly have to tell their audiences that they're based on a true story. Stop with the fucking bullshit, Hollywood. It just tells me you're target audience is superstitious morons. If you're a superstitious moron, I apologize. I know this isn't new. I read The Amityville Horror in 5th Grade and the book was full of blurbs about how true it was. But it seemed Jason and Michael and Freddy killed that aspect of Horror Movies for quite awhile. But then it came back. When? I'm not sure. Maybe with The Blair Witch Project which didn't actually sell itself as based on a true story but created an internet campaign to create a question as to whether it's real footage or not. But now we get things like Paranormal Party where the movie ends and the film studio credits come up and the screen goes black for about ten to twenty seconds and then the credits roll. Because they want the illusion to persist even after the movie is over! Nobody wants to know that the woman that the demon just ate wasn't really named Sarah Blankenship but Rachael Coup d'Etat. I wonder if Japanese Horror Movies tell their audiences that they are based on real stories? I doubt it because if I saw that, I'd get the fuck right out of Japan!
4:11 AM. I didn't write all of that stuff. Instead I thought, "You know, Jim Shooter was desperate to reboot Marvel in the seventies with his 'Big Bang" idea. I wonder what he thinks of the New 52?"
4:12 AM. Lord Google introduces me to Jim Shooter's Blog.
4:15-5:00 AM. I was reading Jim Shooter's reviews of Red Hood and the Outlaws #1 and Catwoman #1 and Batman #1. Holy fuck. That guy nitpicks like me on speed. Now I see why so many writers and artists hated him during his reign as Editor-in-Chief of Marvel Comics. Red Hood was just as bad as Jim Shooter concludes. But he concludes it by pointing out so many inconsequential details, that I arrive at the end of the article just thinking he's a bitter old man that must have had his vanilla pudding stolen by Scott Lobdell. Granted, I agree with him on a lot of points he raised. But his old man attacks at Rocafort's layouts just had me laughing. "Why is that panel a rhombus?! What is going on here? Why does that panel overlap that other panel? NONSENSE FOR NONSENSE'S SAKE! Look at all the wasted space!" He was equally hard on Catwoman. And then he picked apart Greg Capullo on Batman pretty handily before saying how much he liked Batman #1. Well, thank fuck for that.
5:01 AM. Question my entire existence based on what I just read. "Is that what I sound like? Am I a bitter old fart like Jim Shooter? What's become of my life? How did I get to this point, sitting in my underwear wearing a jersey that says "Popular" in place of a player's name?
5:02 AM. I realize I was supposed to be reading Green Arrow. I should get on that!
5:03 AM. Write the previous shit!

It's now 5:38 AM and it didn't take me 35 minutes to write the timeline, so I must have fudged the timing of the entries. Anyway, I guess it's time to read Green Arrow!

The issue begins with Green Arrow fighting his way past a small army of guards and into what I'm going to presume is a castle since this is Eastern Europe and he's about to fight a Count.

I don't know how he did it but I know why he did it: Sorrentino ran out of red ink due to I, Vampire.

If Ann Nocenti were still writing, Green Arrow would not have been amazed by the green flames. He would have expounded on what metals need to be added to the combustion to get the flames to burn green. But this is Lemire Arrow and I don't think he's as smart as Nocenti Arrow. He definitely seems more willing to kill if he's setting guys on fire. Perhaps the Flame Arrows expel fire extinguishing materials after the bad guys are disabled by severe third degree burns.

Green Arrow defeats every single guard in the castle because these guards apparently guard castles like Call of Duty Red Shirts (the other players on my team that aren't in my party of friends) defend positions. Why do they always leave their defensive position when they hear gunshots from the other direction? We don't need everybody shooting at every target, dumbass! And what the hell is up with Red Shirts moving into position between you and the window you're sniping from? At least now that I'm playing Hardcore, I can shoot them myself. Learn a fucking lesson, moron!

Oh, my point was that every single guard in the castle rushes Green Arrow and he defeats them all. Now there is nobody left to guard the castle as he explores.

So far, Lemire's Naomi is most like Giffen's Naomi. That's a Naomi I can live with. And boink! Because boinking and living together often go thingy in thingy! Like on Laverne and Shirley!

I bet if I posted the "thingy in thingy" out of context, I could get hundreds of notes with people telling me how fucking sexist I am to believe that boinking has to involve putting anything into any other thing! They'd completely miss the point that I just switched the word "hand" to something more sexy like a thingy and that's the reason for using "in". But then I clarified with Laverne and Shirley because that would be some trick to get Shirley's thingy in Laverne's thingy. I'm not saying it can't be done! I just said it would be some trick. And I'd pay to see that trick! Also on that show, Lenny and Squiggy were also living together. And remember that sexist thing I said about people living together? I bet that's why they always looked so greasy and sweaty.

Hopefully Nick at Nite played Laverne and Shirley during the nineties or a good percentage of you won't know what I'm talking about.

Deep in the castle (so probably in the dungeon!), Green Arrow finds the Dragon he had come looking for.

She kisses him when he unchains her and I feel obligated to scan all kissing. I figure I owe something more than writing my pre-comic reading rituals in excruciating detail to my horndog audience.

After the kiss, the comic book returns to a few days ago to explain Green Arrow and his team's plan. I think maybe my comic book was put together incorrectly! Why do I care about the plan to save the Dragon when he's already saved the Dragon? Stupid fancy comic book writers. I bet Jim Shooter is just losing his shit over this!

Jim Shooter: "What the...? *SPLUTTER* Why would Lemire...? This should have been the opening! I guess if DC is trying to sell crap to their fans, they're succeeding in their mission statement. Garbage! Utter refuse!"

Hey, Jim Shooter! Welcome to my cast of characters! I can't wait to hear what you have to say about Nocenti's Catwoman!

The team discuss Zytle, the criminal monarch of Vlatavania.

Nice one, Fyff!

I like the reverse Oliver Queen life of Zytle. And since Zytle is most likely Count Vertigo, it's even more perfecter! Because Green Arrow's super power is concentrating really well and Count Veritgo's power is making people concentrate poorly! See how those things are opposite? I was going to say Count Vertigo's power is creating lots of barf and Green Arrow's power is creating lots of shit but Ann Nocenti isn't writing him anymore so that statement isn't as true as it could have been a few months ago. In factitty fact fact fact, I actually like Green Arrow so far this issue! Not only that, I like Fyff and Naomi! What the fuck is wrong? I don't remember ordering a White Chocolate Mocha with Raspberry Syrup and Xanax this morning!

After that scene with Fyff being funny and Naomi trying awfully hard to look like Tig without the band-aids, the comic book returns to the point just after the kiss.

The Dragon calls Green Arrow "Robert" which confuses the fuck out of me. Robert? Who the fuck is Robert? Green Arrow says he's not Robert, that Robert was...and then he stops, thinking better of it. Wait a second. Was Robert Oliver's Dad's name? I have a quick consult with Lord Google and discover this is true. Then why the fuck was I calling him Dick Queen last issue? I'm positive Emerson called him Richard! So now I have to dig into my comic book boxes and pull out Green Arrow #21 to prove that I'm not totally Batman shit crazy times.

See?! Dick! To be fair, this all takes place during a hallucination! But still, look for it to be edited in the trade!

So the Dragon thinks Ollie is his dad but when he denies being Dick Robert,she realizes he must be Ollie. Finally somebody sees through the stupid little domino mask and the padded crotch.

And then Count Vertigo makes an appearance. He looks like a Munchkin Surfer that was shot in the head. I did like how when he began using his power, it was represented by pieces of the panel askew as if they were falling out of place. But Count Vertigo looks like the Wicked Witch of the West's bunghole.

My main complaint is he doesn't look anything like a Count. But I suppose he did grow up in Canada, so this is about right.

Meanwhile in Seattle, somebody is killing thugs with bullets. I hope it's Tommy Monoghan!

But that scene doesn't really go anywhere. It just shows that the gangs of Seattle aren't working together. I didn't know Seattle had gangs. It doesn't strike me as very realistic. What are they ganging? Coffee smuggling? Perfectly legal marijuana sales? Signing independent rock groups? Tsk tsking people for not recycling or composting?

Getting back to something more realistic, Green Arrow has become nearly incapacitated by Count Vertigo. He's nearly down when Fyff comes up with a plan. The plan is to toss his arrows. This is where I'd normally make a toss his cookies joke but I don't want to suddenly be hungry for cookies.

Damn it.

Fyff, being a wonton delivery genius, has added remote detonators to all of Green Arrow's arrows. So when Green Arrow throws the quiver near Vertigo, Fyff sets off an electromagnetic pulse arrow. Hey, Fyff. I'm fairly certain you could have done that without Ollie needing to throw the quiver. Perhaps it only has a radius of about a foot so it doesn't fuck up everything else in the area. But now that it went off around all of Ollie's other arrows, does that mean they're all shorted out? I hope so! At least Vertigo is down since he has that vertigo-inducing implant in his head.

As Green Arrow and Shado (the Dragon Lady!) escape, Ollie has enough panels left for one last question and answer session. And this one leads to a really good secret that Lemire just gives the readers instead of teasing them for sixteen issues! Wait, has Lemire been around that long? For what seemed like sixteen issues!

From the back, Count Vertigo looks like Where's Waldo?!

Oh yeah. She finishes by saying, of course, that Robert is Emiko's father and that Emiko is Ollie's sister! Dun dun DUN! It takes a full page for the revelation because Sorrentino had to show that this news stopped Green Arrow in his tracks, dumbfounded. Emphasis on the dumb!

Green Arrow #22 Rating: +5 Ranking. Holy fuck! An actual issue of Green Arrow that I really, really, really liked! I like Green Arrow! I like his team! I like the revelation! I don't really care for Count Vertigo's new look but I guess he was designed for all the new young hep cats to totally dig his groovy style. Can you believe this? It only took DC 22 issues to make Green Arrow into a good comic book! Why did they give up on all the other titles? Static Shock could be good by now! Especially since it was getting interesting right about when it ended. And Mister Terrific and Blue Beetle would be the best comics out there if they'd made it to Issue #22! But not Hawkman. That was the shittiest shit in Diarrheaville.