All Star Western #21

Is Booster Gold going to accidentally bring Jonah Hex into the future?

This issue begins with Jonah Hex and Booster Gold high tailing it back to town with the Deadly Bounty Hunters close on their heels. The Dwarf gets shot in the head immediately so that nobody has to worry about his murdering ass anymore. And then as Jonah gets behind the Gatling Gun, the inevitable western moment approaches. That's when the heroes in a runaway wagon approach a cliff. It can't be helped because no matter where you are in the southwest, you're never at the lowest point. Just ask the Grand Canyon! Which the bottom of might be the lowest point. But nobody ever has to deal with a runaway wagon at the bottom of the Grand Canyon!

I suppose this will be the moment that Booster Gold realizes he's wearing a Legion Flight Ring. At least it'll be the moment where he learns what the Legion Flight Ring is for.

Forget flying! They should time travel!

Which is what they do! Booster Gold informs Jonah Hex that he should keep his seat in an upright position and make sure his tray table is up and all baggage is safely stowed under the seat in front of him. Also, he mentions how he should probably hang on to Booster Gold. But just like when I travel, Jonah doesn't listen to fuck all and ignores all the safety procedures. Instead, he punches Booster Gold in the face and falls away from him to land in a different place and time.

Jonah Hex is awakened by some Steampunk cosplayers in a subway tunnel in a modern city. Probably Gotham since he's going to fight Batwing. I'm pretty good at putting clues together. If you tell me two plus two equals four, I can tell you that two plus two also equals four. My equation had the twos reversed, in case you weren't sure of the difference. It's just that kind of special brand of logic that I bring to life! Can't fool me!

I'm pretty sure Nodell's is a drag club like Portland's Darcelle's. Which is why Snyder and Capullo are headlining.

A cry for help leads Jonah into an alley where a gang of muties are mugging some tourists. Do I recognize these guys from somewhere? The Dark Knight Returns, maybe? Yeah, that's it. Now I never watched Batman Beyond, so were these kinds of gangs in that show as well? I wish Jonah Hex could have entered the pages of Transmetropolitan. I want to see him team up with Spider Jerusalem now.

Jonah Hex doesn't have time for your suggestions.

After Jonah kills all of the gang members, the Gotham City Police roll up and merely add to the confusion, in some ways I wouldn't have even considered.

Out of all the things you're confused by, Jonah--the lights, the cars, the Tasers, the airplanes--it's the black police officer that you question first. Coming from 19th Century America, that's understandable.

Speaking of racism and prejudice, I played some Call of Duty on Saturday night outside of Party Chat. I sometimes forget how many assholes play first person shooters because I tend to only play with my friends and in Party Chat so we don't have to listen to anybody else. For those of you who don't know how it works, a bunch of random people are brought together into a lobby before the game starts. When people are talking, you can see the microphone icon next to their name. People may talk trash to each other at this point and it's mostly annoying shit that they think is the most clever thing ever said outside of Oscar Wilde's parlor. But when the game begins, the screen changes to a loading screen where you can't see who is speaking. And that's when people feel brave enough to let their true racist selves go to town so that they won't be reported. At this point, all you hear are a bunch of people letting loose with "YOU BUNCH OF FAGGOT NIGGERS!" and variants of that phrase. Pretty much exclusively variants of that phrase. What's really depressing is that I've been playing Xbox First Person Shooters for about seven years now and none of this shit has changed. The only thing that's changed is Xbox giving players options to not have to hear these pricks. Too bad those idiot assholes don't realize their voice sounds the same on that screen as on the screens that show who is talking. Because as soon as I hear them brag about some great shot and it's that voice that screeched out nonsense during the loading screen, I file a report. It's not much but fuck their cowardly asses.

Also, I'm pretty fucking good at Call of Duty so kicking their asses is always pretty satisfying.

Now I wish my Xbox Gamer Tag was Jonah Hex instead of The Red Lizard!

Enough about powerless youths trying desperately to gain some kind of power through hateful language. Time to get back to Jonah Hex's power struggle in Future Gotham.

Hey Batwing! I was just speaking of racial insensitivity!

I wonder if Marvel has any Nazi superheroes that go around fighting crime while wearing their Nazi uniform? I suppose this isn't much different except for the fact that Jonah Hex isn't a superhero. He's just this guy, you know? Because he generally seems to fight for the underdog and against corruption and assholes, I've never really thought much about his beliefs. I just assumed he fought for the South because he was from the South or that he was conscripted somehow or maybe he was drunk and signed up by accident. But hell. I suppose he could be a racist asshole too, couldn't he?

Batwing questions Hex as they brawl because Hex is using antique guns and talking about Amadeus Arkham and mentioning the Crime Bible and the Court of Owls and just generally presenting himself as another Batshit loonybird from Gotham. Batwing knocks him out after learning his name (I don't know if Batwing doesn't believe it because it's a crazy name or because Batwing has actually heard of Jonah Hex) and Jonah wakes up in a straight jacket in Arkham Asylum as Arkham Inmate #1857.

Fuck this comic book is some good comic book shit.

Meanwhile the Stormwatch back-up story that wasn't what I thought it was going to be and has completely disappointed me by hardly being about Jenny Freedom at all is about to wrap up. The Virgin Doctor Thirteen was just about to get his throat torn out by Mircalla Nosferata. Unless her name was something different since I'm just guessing at it!

Apparently Doctor Thirteen wasn't as virginal as the rumors would have had Nosferata believe. Or he's a big proponent of eating tons and tons of garlic.

Yep. Turns out he's been eating a buttload of garlic (again, I must point out, I know the expression is "boatload" but I vastly prefer to say "buttload"). Some kind of nutrition regimen that's also meant to kill rats. He's a weird guy. I love him.

I don't know a whole lot about Master Gunfighter although he seems to be of the Blade variety. But simply having Jenny Freedom and Doctor Thirteen on this version of Stormwatch could carry a full length comic book. I'm ready for it! They just have to replace Adam One with some other 19th Century character. Like Bat Lash!

When the Queen Vampire dies, the rest just begin to explode. And then the cavern crashes down on top of the City of Gold and the three Crystal Skulls of Boundless Rule which Adam was after. And which he was more than willing to sacrifice Doctor Thirteen for. Which has left Doctor Thirteen a wee bit upset.

Fisticuffs!

The team decide to ditch Adam One without his horse and without his clothes. Seems a sensible plan to me. And then Jenny Freedom offers to remove the virginity from Doctor Thirteen. I was hoping she'd bring it up seeing as how she's Jenny Freedom and thus free of any sexual hang-ups as well as everything else. Have some fun with the stodgy old virgin!

This final chapter of 19th Century Stormwatch is the story I was hoping for from the beginning! Too much time was wasted recruiting one after the other and then last issue I don't remember very well but I think there was fighting and stuff. But this one had the makings of a great Stormwatch team! These members are interesting and fun! I don't know when they'll be back but I really look forward to seeing them again.

All Star Western #21 Rating: +2 Ranking. I loved everything about this issue. Bravo, DC! More of this stuff! I wonder if Booster Gold is back in the normal NOW of DC Time? Just in time for The Trinity War! He and Skeets need to play a part.