Friday, July 26, 2013

Justice League Dark #22

Why is Frank choking The Flash? Frank owes The Flash his life! Twice! Stupid cover not making sense within the confines of Justice League Dark Continuity.

I hope The Trinity War sets a precedent for crossovers. I like the format of a six issue crossover that ends in two months because it's across three titles. And they've spaced the issues out so that I'm not completely forgetting what was happening between each issue. I also like the extra smooth Before Watchmen type glossy magazine covers! I'm easy to please!

At the end of the last issue of The Trinity War, Wonder Woman had gone off in search of Magic to save the world from Pandora. Batman was going to rely on science like an idiot (doesn't he know he's in a comic book?!). And Superman was going to use questions or something. I don't know what Superman was going to do. Research, maybe? Kill another hero? Threaten Scott Lobdell with legal action?

This issue begins with a shocker: Madame Xanadu was not killed in the explosion in Part One! Yeah! Go figure! And it's not like she saw the explosion coming with her extraordinary prognostication abilities! Oh no! She was rescued and kidnapped by The Purple People Leader! I wonder what he needs her for? Maybe he needs a Purple People Leader Queen! She loves purple!

I knew she was a fraud! If she can see the future, why does she need to ask him his plans? And don't say because she doesn't know who he is because she can see the future! That's proof that I'm right somehow!

Meanwhile Firestorm is making Kryptonite for Amanda Waller. That won't end well! Batman will be pissed that somebody else has Kryptonite. But right now, Batman is sitting in on the autopsy of Doctor Light which is the weirdest autopsy ever because they're keeping him in uniform as they perform it! Maybe Cyborg is using Apokoliptian Ultrasound technology. The Phantom Stranger interrupts the autopsy because there aren't enough players in this thing already. I think he just wants to feel included.

Nobody has any idea what's going on, so they just assume that The Phantom Stranger knows what he's talking about. They must stop Wonder Woman and Justice League Dark from going after Pandora and her box. Steve Trevor relates the story of the shitty comic book he was in and how it ended when Pandora's Box killed all of Team 7. Except for most of them.

Holy shit. Superman is looking super fucked up.

For some reason, The Question isn't keeping to speaking entirely in questions. Way to fuck up the gimmick, asshole. The Question gives Superman a piece of paper that should help him figure out who actually killed Doctor Light. I'm just going to assume this really is The Question because he's helping Superman while The Phantom Stranger is helping Batman and Wonder Woman is going after Pandora. That's why it's called The Trinity War! I'm like Sherlock Hemlock and shit. I don't even need no fucking Prairie Dawn to help me solve the case!

Whatever the note said, it makes Superman angry enough to almost kill Cyborg and the ARGUS soldiers guarding his cell. He explodes out of captivity and rushes off to kill Batman. Or something. I don't really know where he's going. But my guess is Wonder Woman is trying to stop Superman by getting the Box and uncorrupting him. Batman is trying to stop Wonder Woman from getting the Box and ending the world. So Superman must be trying to stop Batman from stopping Wonder Woman from getting the box so that she can stop him. Or something.

Wonder Woman has found the Justice League Dark and they've agreed to help her. But first they'll have to get through Batman and his crew.

I don't know why Shazam or Catwoman are here helping out. I figured they'd just bugger out to their own lives by now.

I suppose Zatanna brought them to The House of Mystery. Constantine should have barred her from the House once she left the group. He's too sentimental!

I love that Batman opens with a threat. It's not good enough to appear and say, "Hey! You should really stop this because it's dangerous. Let's research what's going on and we'll eventually get to the bottom of this. How about some coffee?" Instead, he appears with a small army behind him with an ultimatum! These super heroes really piss me off sometimes. Stop taking every opportunity you can find to get in a fight with other heroes. Maybe if Wonder Woman were about to pick up Pandora's Box, Batman would be justified in escalating the violence since he's not sure that opening the Box won't end the world. But they don't even know where Pandora is yet! Everybody just calm the fuck down!

Back at ARGUS, Superman's rush to destroy everything to get out is all because The Question gave him a clipping from Khandaq showing Doctor Psycho had been in town. Oh shit! Well fuck! No wonder he destroyed millions of dollars of ARGUS equipment and almost killed half a dozen men! He had a newspaper clipping! Now I'm really pissed off! Somebody go call fucking Uncle Ben over to this universe to explain about power and responsibility! I can fucking wait because Superman is acting like a spoiled child. And now Amanda Waller is getting into it by threatening Superman with a bunch of ARGUS guards! Why don't the ARGUS guards simply say, "Fuck that! That's Superman! You deal with it!" Oh, that's right. Because the "you" is Amanda Waller. I guess I wouldn't be talking back either.

Green Arrow takes control and does the right thing. No, he doesn't throw a garbage can through a pizzeria window. But close enough. He deescalates the situation by providing some smoke cover so they can all get away and go find Doctor Psycho.

I like Green Arrow's actions here because he quickly decides they should help Superman and not fight. So smoke screen it is! Except there will probably still be a big brawl since they're in the subbasement of ARGUS and Amanda is blocking the way out.

Back in the House of Mystery, John Constantine makes off with Shazam because Shazam didn't really want to be there in the first place. Which is what I thought. Which makes me wonder why the fuck he went with Batman? I suppose anywhere was better than ARGUS. The rest of the crew divvy up teams so that they can fight each other because the people Batman brought with him really didn't have their hearts in the idea of beating up Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman's crew teleport away thanks to Zatanna while Batman's crew is left wondering where Constantine and Shazam went.

Shazam is wondering the same thing!

Back at ARGUS, nobody wants to play with Amanda Waller. Maybe that'll make her think twice next time she shoves a nanobomb into somebody's neck. You're not making friends, lady. Everybody else heads off into different comic books while The Purple People Leader tells Madame Xanadu something she'd already know if she could actually see the future: he has a mole in the Justice League! I bet that mole is The Question that isn't the Question because The Question wasn't asking questions the whole time! I bet it's Clayface or some other shape shifter.

Justice League Dark #22 Rating: No change. The Purple People Leader believes he's already won although I don't know why he believes that. Is it just the usual super villain arrogance? Or has he, himself, seen the future? And what's going to happen to the Justice League of America when this is all over? Amanda Waller is going to be hell to live with.

1 comment:

  1. I'm collecting these Trinity War isues myself, and I agree with you. They all act like spoiled, rude children. But then these are the NU52 versions of these characters, not the adults who were way above acting like that. Anyways, I'm just looking forward to the introduction of the CSA into the NU52, and how that affects everything.