Batgirl #22

I bet Jim Shooter would be pissed that the bat in the Batgirl logo isn't filled in!

Hey KPTV Fox News in Portland? You see this cover? That's how you spell sacrifice, you illiterate monkeys! I suppose all of your news anchors aren't completely illiterate since they can read just well enough to only stumble when reading every other sentence. But whoever does their copy or their graphics hasn't been able to spell for years. I hate local news but I'll watch Fox 12 in Portland when there is nothing else on because The Joker delivers the weather. Also because I love how often they spell things wrong. When the nineteen firefighters died recently, they put up a graphic that said, "The Ultimate Sacrafice." Besides not being able to spell, they also report on internet videos, local fear, and gossip pieces from other states. Their favorite thing to report on is any national news event which they can tie back to the Northwest. They usually want a Portland tie but they'll slum it and accept a Seattle tie if they have to. They refuse to believe that their main reason for being is to be the local Fox Affiliate. They will gladly interrupt Fox Television Shows to vamp away until some local bureaucrat delivers a speech at a press conference or while waiting for local election results. They're stupid jerks that don't realize I can find local election results on the internet or scrolling across the bottom of other Network stations but I can't switch over to PBS to finish watching House which they just preempted! I know House ended a few years ago but I'm still bitter about that time! Fuck you, Wayne Garcia!

Sheesh. What did Jim Shooter and Wayne Garcia ever do to deserve my hatred while I'm trying to read Batgirl? Actually, I know what Wayne Garcia did, staring at me every night with that smug, chirpy-dirpy, tanning-bed-tanned, chipmunk face of his! Ewww! You haven't received your last angry email from me, sir! I still don't know how that episode of House ended, you fucking lousy puppet!

Oh, there it is! The segue to get me out of this rant! Speaking of puppets, I wonder where Ferdie is placed after Shauna is put into Arkham? Does he just go into an Arkham storeroom? Or does Gotham have enough psychotic puppets for a Mini-Arkham Asylum for Overly Sexualized Puppets?

This issue begins with Babara's forgotten date with Ricky and Alysia standing around in her potato chip pajamas.

Jim Shooter would love this panel layout! But he'd hate that new readers wouldn't have any idea who any of these people are. According to Jim Shooter, "new reader" must be code for "brain damaged." Fuck. Why am I so obsessed with Jim Shooter lately? I need to go cold turkey on his ass. I don't think I can quit him.

Last issue while speculating about Alysia's pajamas, I considered that they might be holes and that maybe Vengeance Moth got to them and that maybe that was her power. Then a few weeks later, Gail Simone reblogged a Follower of hers mentioning how she thought Vengeance Moth's power was somehow tied to destroying clothes since Katharsis threatened Cannon with his own nudity. And I thought, "Fuck. Why didn't I think of that?!" And now I just reread my Batgirl #21 Commentary and I can tell myself, "Dude! You did think of that! You're a genius!" Too bad I never, ever remember anything I write in these things. Every time I reread one of my commentaries, it's like reading something written by a completely different person. Sometimes I think that other person is a boring ass just regurgitating plot points. And other times I think, "Fuck, I was funny! I doubt I can ever say anything that funny ever again!" And then I pout and give up writing and eat a box of Oreos.

But then the eating of cookies makes me happy again and I go back to reading comics and other highbrow literature that I would name specifically but wouldn't want any of my readers to feel stupid for not reading such intellectually stimulating things as I do.

Forget Jim Shooter. These page layouts would make Keith Giffen ruin his underwear.

Babs cleans the cookie dough off of her face and pulls together a super cute outfit thanks to Alysia's help. She might be acting a little bit crazy just hoping to have her second kiss with a boy tonight! If Ricky's lucky, she might even let him get to second base. I think second base is getting to try on her underwear. Why is the sex and baseball metaphor all about offense for the guy and defense for the woman? When women talk about how far they got with a guy, do they keep the analogy? "I walked in a home run." "We started making out, so I threw out the first pitch and he bunted all over his pants." Do gay guys use a sports analogy for sex? "I went out with Jim and he choked up on my bat while I spit on the ball and beaned him in the ass." Hmm, I forgot to use any sports phrases in that last example!

Ricky and Babs are walking on their date because Barbara's van is the Batgirl cave and if Ricky brought a car, Babs would think he stole it. So they have to walk which is good because Babs once couldn't walk so she must cherish the regifting of the ability every day and Ricky just recently lost a leg, so he probably walks a lot to say, "Fuck you, Fate! I still got it, bitch!"

While they're out walking to a community theater Opera (I didn't realize I believe in Hell until this moment!), Spider Jerusalem's younger brother is lying in wait in an alley. You know what would help lower crime in Gotham City? Fill in all the fucking alleys with concrete!

And just an aside for all the people scowling at my "Opera at the community theater level is Hell" comment, I think I have the right to say it! I once nearly gave my life to spin Dorothy's House in a children's theater production of The Wizard of Oz because the idiot lighting guy (Doom Bunny!) ran the motor on the windmill until it burst into flames! Luckily The Scarecrow had his brains about him and put out the fire with an extinguisher. Man, that Scarecrow definitely wasn't a method actor.

Speaking of The Scarecrow, he went on to star as the man checking passports in Alias and one of the every actor in Hollywoods who starred in an episode of ER. He also starred in Julie and Jack, the first film of James Nguyen of Birdemic fame! Spoiler Alert: he was never paid for that role! But I think his most famous role was the character whom everybody kept telling should have had the role of Sayd in Lost! So famous for that one!

Oh man! Don't mind me and my rambling! Let's get back to that fight in the alley.

This panel needs some music.

I think the scene of the year whatever year Kick Ass came out was the one where Hit Girl slaughters a bunch of thugs to the Banana Splits Theme Song. One of the reasons it was so fantastic was because it caught me by surprise. I didn't expect Hit Girl to be that violent (yes, yes. I missed reading the comic! It was during The Long Hiatus! Sheesh!) and I never in my life expected to hear that song out of anything but my own mouth ever again. I sing it all the fucking time and when it was sung back at me during that particular scene, I was elated. I was overjoyed. I may have wept but there were no cameras to document the event so I don't even know why I put the suggestion out there!

It's about this point in the fight that Spider's little brother pulls a gun on Ricky. It's time for Babs to find some kind of boomerang shaped garbage lying around so she can accidentally kill him knock him out! Or she can just break his leg and then his arm. He begins to call her a bitch and Babs Narration Boxes, "I swear, sometimes I wish I could buy all the creeps in the world a thesaurus." I'm glad she brought this up because I've been meaning to talk about curse words! You can skip the next paragraph if you don't give a shit about curse words but I can't guarantee that I'll be back to talking about Batgirl after that!

I like using the word "bitches" to encompass a group of people. The people can be any and all gender identities. I just love the sound. But I'll use bitch for a guy more readily than for a girl simply because it's a gender coded power word. That goes for "cunt" as well although I'll use that more often because I like the word so much. But it's still a tough call to use on a woman simply because it's preloaded with hate and bullshit. You can add twat to that list as well. So I often find myself having to come up with another word to call some female character I'm hating on because I want the reader to know I hate her for being a stupid cunt and not for having one. Although I can almost guarantee whenever she's in a comic book, I'll call Madame Xanadu a cunt. My favorite male comic book character to refer to as a cunt is Scott Lobdell.

After the big fight in the alley, Ricky and Babs decide to skip the stupid opera and have Ricky's mom feed them.

I hope she appreciates how much Goddamn work went into those six tamales she just wolfed down! I miss working with my ex-coworker Marcy because she used to make me tamales. Um, also she was nice and a good worker!

7-Eleven stores out here in Portland were selling Hot Tamales for a while. And one of the stores I was cleaning had a chalk board out front with "Hot Tamales 2 for $2" written on it. Somebody had wiped away the "ta" in tamales. I laughed and laughed.

After dinner, Babs and Ricky go out dancing. And I guess they have a successful first date.

Be here next month when Babs finds a surprise in her fridge!

Oh, that won't happen! Hopefully Nightwing will come back to town and get all jealous and there will be this huge Love Pentagon going on. I don't know who the other members of the Love Pentagon will be! Probably Starfire and Speedy!

The next day, Babs makes a date with her dad for lunch which turns into practice on the shooting range. Gordon probably wants his daughter to be able to protect herself against the jerk that killed his son. Which is herself. But Babs isn't a big gun fan. Probably because she's a big girl. Like Batman!

Once Barbara realizes her dad just wants her to be able to protect herself (you know! Like I said!), she realizes this has specifically been brought on because of Batgirl. She already took the Bat off her chest because she didn't feel like she deserved to wear it. Now she believes she needs to lose the identity altogether because she doesn't want her father shooting her in the face. Oh, also because it makes dad all sad and crap.

Later that night, Commissioner Gordon drunk signals Batman to tell him to give up Batgirl. When Batman tries to talk Gordon out of a bitchhunt (Fuck! I need a thesaurus!), Gordon gets annoyed.

The road to the Batcave is littered with the graves of children.

Batgirl #22 Rating: +4 Ranking. I'm always very appreciative of a comic that follows a character on their down time. It just hasn't been done enough lately. So +1 for that, +1 for Gordon punching Batman in the kisser, +1 for Barbara's little dance after the date, and +1 for Batgirl getting her own super hero identity soon instead of piggy backing on Batman's fame! I think it would be great if she really changed her name permanently. But I bet she'll pick something derivative again. Like Nightwinggirl!