The Phantom Stranger #10

My version of Heaven: All the Oreo cookies I can eat. And every time I eat one, I orgasm. And my seed falls from Heaven like rain, turning into manna to feed the entire world.

If I were following people around saying these kinds of things, I'd be promptly kicked in the nuts and shoved faced first to the ground, handcuffed, beaten some more, and taken away. In my later years, I'd have to voluntarily introduce myself to everybody that lived in my neighborhood and tell them they're not allowed to have children. But instead of any of that happening, YOU FOLLOW ME! What the fuck is wrong with you people? Were you raised by schizophrenic ferrets? That may be redundant.

Usually before just jumping right into reading the comic, I like to say a few words about another subject, usually related to the cover. Often though, I just write about stuff that I was thinking about the previous hour. Anything I was thinking about the previous hour before the previous hour is subsumed and forgotten by whatever random thoughts percolate through my brain in the previous hour. I sometimes think I should hire a scribe just to write down all of the stupid crap I think up. But then I'd have to hire another monkey to go through those ideas and organize them by quality, from "Having Potential" to "Never Show This To Anyone." Luckily the heaven bit got me on a different tangent altogether because I was prepared to talk about my bowel movements.

When we last left the Stranger, he was acting weird. Oh! That would be a good team-up! The Stranger and The Weird! Maybe they could encounter Power Pack or The Teen Titans. And then when the kids need therapy later, they can show The Ventriloquist where they were touched on her Ferdie doll! I think that plot could run at least ten issues! I wonder if I should apply for an editorial job with DC Comics!

Me: "Sorry, Azzarello. You're going to have to rewrite these Wonder Woman scripts. There isn't enough ambiguous sexual encounters between Gods and everything else. If you could get Cliff Chiang to draw Zeus rubbing up against a young man in the park, that'd be great. And have Hera fuck a tree! Just, you know, have her squat over a Redwood or something."
Brian Azzarello: "Could I maybe switch Zeus and Hera about for those bits?"
Me: "Genius! That's why you're the writer and I'm the guy who tells you if you need to rewrite what you've written!"

See? I could do it! I just got along perfectly well with Brian Azzarello in my fantasy and he's the hardest writer to get along with in my fantasies! I have no idea what he's like in person. He might really be Warren Ellis or Alan Moore. What's with all that fucking facial hair? Are they the reason Grant Morrison's entire body is completely shaved? To differentiate between them at conventions? It would help me because as soon as I hear an accent, I'm like, "Peter Milligan? Is that you!" And then they have to explain who they are.

I know Azzarello is from Cleveland! That's the thickest accent of them all!

Shit! I can't believe I derailed myself after one fucking sentence about the comic book! Maybe if I begin with a scan!

I think I use too many exclamation points. I'm glad they're free.

Heaven has no wheelchair access. You're in a wheelchair? You go to hell!

That last line in the caption was, of course, stolen from Bill Cosby when he's telling the story about dying while trying to drive a stick shift in San Francisco.

Bill Cosby: "Me and a Volkswagen drifted backwards into the bay."
Saint Peter: "You go to hell!"

I never could figure out why that was such a major sin. I think Saint Peter was just a fucking dick. But maybe I was just a stupid kid since I didn't understand the double entendre but still always giggled madly at Steve Martin saying, "My girlfriend has the best pussy!"

The Phantom Stranger reaches Heaven which simply looks like somebody built some condominiums right up to the edge of Golden Gate Park. He notices a door for every person who arrives which makes sense because if Heaven is like Hell, then everyone has their own version of it. But that whole idea is actually pretty creepy. Because a mother may want to be reunited with her child but the child might not want to be reunited with the mother! So the child's heaven won't have her in it nor should he be forced to be in hers. But her heaven has the child in it, so that's fucking weird. Because that kid is a simulacrum! It's not really the real essence of her child! Unless it is! I mean, if we're going to begin believing metaphysical bullshit, then I guess we get to believe whatever we want. Because as soon as somebody says they believe something by faith, then you have to shut the fuck up and stop arguing with them or else you're being an insensitive twat and there is nothing worse in the Modern Age than being accused of being an insensitive twat. Well, maybe a pedophile. That's pretty bad. Or a liberal.

The Phantom Stranger finally puts two and two together which you wouldn't think would take that long being that two plus two is practically the easiest addition equation you can get!

Here we see The Phantom Stranger quoting his character from Jesus Christ Superstar. "God, I'll never know why! You have murdered me! Murdered me! MURDERED ME!"

Dog gets a bit pissed off when The Stranger questions his motives and actions. Fucking Dog. He gives everybody free will and then gets super pissed off and churlish whenever one of his creations doesn't act appropriately. Why does anybody worship Him?

Dog: "You are free to do anything you want except eat this fruit!"
Adam and Eve: "We're going to eat this fruit!"
Dog: "Not that! Didn't I just mention anything but that? Well, if you won't follow My rules, you'll have to leave My house. Get out. And don't think about coming back because I've set up this baby with this flaming sword to keep you out!"
Cain: "I think I'll kill my brother!"
Dog: "You know what? You're really pushing the boundaries of my free will clause, right?"
Everybody but Noah: "Let's get drunk and fuck angels!"
Dog: "That's it! Everybody into the pool! Drown, angel fuckers! Drown!"
Noah: "I'm going to get drunk and take off my pants!"
Dog: "Sheesh. And you were the best of the bunch?"

Later Dog just gave up and sent His only begotten Puppy to die for mankind's sins because mankind was sinning all over the fucking place and they didn't seem to give a shit about repenting those sins. So now Dog somehow accepts that, through His Puppy, all people are saved. But they have to actually state that they accept Dog's Puppy as their Lord and Saviour, or else the sin transfer won't take.

Dog lets The Stranger know that he can only bring back one soul from Heaven and I bet I know which soul he's going to choose. Jesus's! Ha ha. That's what I'd do! No, no. He's probably going to bring back the babysitter. Because his family should have been dead many years ago and the babysitter is the only one that died directly because of The Stranger's actions.

Dog has other Questions to attend to, so he leaves The Stranger in Zauriel's hands. Zauriel is an angel, just in case you couldn't tell by the name. At least he's a full grown angel and not one of those creepy Cherubim.

Is that why the Demons are always trying to advance in rank through rhyme? To emulate the Heavenly Host? Or are they...GASP...one and the same!

That guy is the babysitter. He's going to be Zauriel's sidekick on the hunt for The Phantom Stranger's family. During that time, he'll probably guilt The Stranger into bringing him back. Also, The Stranger's family will probably be very happy where they're at. So The Stranger's decision to bring back the Babysitter will end up being the only logical choice.

When The Stranger finds his family, he sees Philip J. Stark sitting with them. And The Stranger flips the fuck out. Because The Stranger still can't add two plus two! I already explained it earlier about the simulacrums! Why wasn't he listening to me? It's like I'm farting in a jar of piss! Is that the saying? The one about people not listening to you? I bet it's a saying in the South! In the South, you can string just about any words together you want and it becomes an exclamation of surprise or approval.

Meanwhile The Question is trying to get Terrence Thirteen to ask the ultimate question. You know the one. Hamlet asked it. Which is appropriate since The Stranger is up in heaven Othelloing it up because he loved too well.

See? Too well!

The Stranger decides to cheat and goes Full Kaiju on Zauriel's ass. He decides to take them all back and let no Dog stop him!

And no Dog does stop him.

It's an old story told by a jerko, full of love and redemption, signifying whatever I fucking tell you it signifies. Anyway, it was an old enough tale that I knew where it was going from the beginning. Remember?! Go reread that part where I said that stuff about how the story was going to go! Oh, you knew it too, hunh? Yeah, well, you didn't write a blog about it!

The Phantom Stranger also realizes that his whole life has been a charade which is something else I told him way back in Issue #1. I think. Anyway, he's finally learning to add! He chooses the babysitter just like the Dog (and I!) knew he would! For all the same reasons I said earlier so I don't need to repeat them here just to confirm it. It was pretty obvious! It was especially obvious when the Babysitter made his first appearance but I'd already guessed it before then. I guessed it before I read Phantom Stranger #0 even! Which is pretty good since J.M. DeMatteis wasn't even writing the comic yet!

The issue ends with the Babysitter trying to comfort The Stranger back in The Stranger's old home on Earth. It's all touching and crap.

The Phantom Stranger #10 Rating: +3 Ranking. I'm ranking it that highly because it agreed with me. Kudos, comic book! You are so smart!