Earth 2 #14

Time for some fun, escapist literature!

Steppenwolf, your hour of dickitude is over. Earth 2 has a penultimatum for you! Stop being a dick! See, I think the stop being a dick is the penultimatum and if he doesn't stop being a dick, then the ultimatum kicks in which is leave or we'll throw you out. And since those two option are really just the same option, a smart person would leave of their own accord. Steppenwolf probably doesn't think that the heroes of Earth 2 can throw him out though, so he probably thinks the ultimatum has some subtext reading, "Unless you're too powerful for us and then you can ignore the ultimatum after you kick all of our asses." I think all ultimatums have that loophole!

Okay, so Steppenwolf needs to be removed from the seat of power in Dherain. Here's the plan. First, the World Army will....

Fine. Forget the plan. Just rush in flinging magic and light.

It turns out Alan Scott and the others actually have a plan. It's called "leaving out the women." Where the fuck is Hawkgirl? Oh yeah, she's detectivanting all over China. That's where you do detective work as you gallivant. It was all the rage in Edwardian times. Now I want to write a comic book about Detectivanting! The activity would strike the fancy of the younger Lords and Ladies with substantial amounts of their parents' money to spend. The series would follow one group of fairly unlikable snobs as they set off for Europe or America or Africa on Detectivanting Excursions. They would pay for the pleasures of prearranged intrigues but their frivolous pursuits would eventually lead the whole world into war. There would also be a lot of sex.

Actually, Alan Scott's plan (before I was derailed by my new comic book idea that I'll never write) was to leave the World Army out of his plan and go into Dehrain with just The Flash and Doctor Fate at his side. Also, they don't care about Steppenwolf or the safety of Earth. This entire strike is just a public relations move to make the people of Earth 2 fall in love with Wonders: The Next Generation. I'm sure something will go wrong. Something always goes wrong. Commander Khan will probably spit and scowl and scuff his shoe against the military base's hardwood floors and go, "Eeeeeewwwwwww!" Oh, that probably needs a little more to it to be a consequence of something going wrong. Maybe he'll declare Heroes illegal or draft them into the World Army to work with The Sandman and The Atom.

You know what? I think Commander Khan already hates these new wonders and is currently hunting them. So I guess nothing can go wrong! They're only battling a bunch of human soldiers, after all!

Whoops!

The Flash, probably because he has no actual idea how long they've been fighting (seriously? How the hell do you judge time when you run around at different speeds and your mind works at varying speeds? He must always feel like it's Tuesday), thinks it "went well" after defeating Dherain's border guards. But Alan Scott reminds him they're at war and wars take a long time. Now I'm curious as to how long The Flash can fight before he completely exhausts himself of energy? Since this isn't the Earth Prime human "Oh no I've just been doused in chemicals and struck by lightning" Flash, perhaps he has unlimited energy. After all, he is using the power of a God.

Before Steppenwolf's anti-wonders can show up, The World Army's Wonders arrive! They're composed of The Sandman Squad, The Atom, and Doctor Didn't Get the Memo That Warfare Has Advanced Past Pointy Sticks.

Seriously, Sir. There's a gigantic nuclear man behind you! And you bring a bow and arrow?

I suppose a bow and arrow might make sense if the person firing it had some kind of super speed power. A gun would be useless because it could still only fire at a standard rate due to its mechanical nature. But a bow could be fired as many times as possible. I think. Ignoring friction, of course. Which would probably mean the bow and string would have to be made out of Inertron.

Also on the way to the battle are Commander Khan and General Foster (Australian, of course. Is that wrong?). General Foster likes to be called Stormy and I can't tell if it's because he's from Australia, or if it's because he has some kind of weather powers, or if it's a sex thing. With that mustache, it could be any of them.

Speaking of mustaches, I have a friend that believes the hipster fascination with old timey mustache styles and getting tattoos of mustaches on their fingers is linked to the Guy Fawkes masks used in the Occupy Movement. I guess he believes it's a secret sign of revolution. Does he think it's some kind of secret symbol like the Christian Fish or a Masonic handshake? As they pass each other on the streets, do they raise a mustache-tattooed finger to their upper lip in a sign of solidarity?

And speaking of geniuses which I'm speaking of now so now I'm speaking of geniuses, Earth Prime's Third Smartest Asshole has finally decided to grace us with his Fair Play and Technobabble.

If I were a super hero, you can bet my uniform would have a whole lot more armor right around the crotch area.

Back on the boundary of Dherain, The World Army Wonders and The Independent Wonders are busy bickering. At least they haven't actually attacked each other by the time Dherain's Anti-Wonders show up. They get a full page splash highlighting their costumes but since I already scanned the smaller panel, I'm not going to bother with this one. Besides, it looks like they've got a spotlight in Channel 52! I mean Channel 2! Which I guess I'll read now.

Not surprisingly, the Local News did not inform. These are the Hunger Dogs of Steppenwolf (I learned that from next month's teaser!). I believe the purple clad woman is Tatters, the orange maniac is Lockjaw, and the big armored guy is Big Armored Guy.

Earth 2 #14 Rating: No change. I think Alan Scott's plan is stupid because he believes the people will bring down the World Government once they see the Wonders in action overthrowing a sovereign country. Yeah, that's what the people want to see! Super powerful beings toppling governments because they don't agree with the country's leader. He does run a broadcasting network, so it's understandable that he isn't in touch with reality.