The New Titans #87 (June 1992)

Pantha’s tail still looks more like a turd that won’t let go than a tail. Why is it coming out from between her ass cheeks?!

This issue was called “Reflections” which means a lot of people learned things about themselves that they hadn’t realized before. I think. Is that how mirrors work? You look into them and, if you’re ready to change and you’re a deep thinker and you’re not in your teens, you go, “Whoa! I’m like not like I was like at all!” LSD helps. No wait. The opposite of that. Don't look into a mirror while on LSD.

The issue would have been better if the entire thing was just a farce following Baby Wildebeest around. Usually I don’t want a story to embrace the “baby trope” but I’ll make an exception for this one. Mostly because the Titans are uninteresting, selfish assholes who have never once helped humanity who make a Scrappy Doo character seem like a move in the right direction. Plus, this issue devoted far too many pages to some Russian subplot that only fans of Red Star give a damn about. Normally this is where I’d tease fans of Red Star figuring that there really aren’t any but the Internet has shown me that no matter how uninteresting, bland, boring, or mundane a character is, some idiot will declare them their favorite!

Action Comics #957

Oh shit! I missed 905 issues of Action Comics!

The Review or Whatever!
Action Comics now comes out every two weeks! And it's already at #957! That means we'll have the first #1000 of a comic book in...um...three months? I, um, did the math exactly right and you're doing it wrong because what you didn't account for is how Marvel is just going to start numbering one of their comics at #1000 and begin working backwards. And DC will be all, "Aw! That's cheating! I wish we'd thought of that!" Hey! You know who actually thought of that? Me! I did! It's such a great idea that I'd better write and publish Grunion Guy #1000 before somebody steals my idea!

This issue begins with Jimmy Olsen and Captain Maggie Sawyer and the Metropolis Special Crimes Unit hanging out at Geneticron waiting for a hostage situation to resolve itself. Geneticron is the kind of name somebody from 1986 would come up with for a future technologies business! Oh yeah! Dan Jurgens is writing this! I love that befuddled robot!

The hostage situation resolves itself when Lex Luthor, wearing his new Apokoliptian Battle Armor, beats the crap out of the hostagers. Is that what you call people who take hostages? Spellcheck doesn't like it so maybe it's spelled with an "o": hostagors. Nope! Anyway, I bet Lex's new armor is irradiating everybody he comes into contact with. No way that armor passes any federal regulations! It was built on Apokolips! It's probably powered by Apokoliptian Plutonium which is probably called Darkseidium and is much more powerful and dour than Plutonium!

Everybody is super surprised to see Lex Luthor wearing the Superman symbol. What gives him the right?! Oh! I bet I know! I bet he trademarked the symbol when Superman refused to, didn't he?! He is going to make so much cash on the merchandise.

Come on, Lois! You know the most important thing in a comic book is the news playing in the background that the superhero can overhear! You and Clark will be thanking Jon by the next page!

Right on cue on the next page, the news cuts to Lex Luthor declaring himself the protector of the city! Lois and Clark almost miss it while they're lecturing Jon about not using super powers to do mundane things like unpacking and other daily chores. Lois declares it cheating! How is that cheating?! Jon and Clark still have to put in the effort. Why waste time pretending they can't do the job quicker than normal?!

Oh! You cheater, Superman! Using your powers to shave! You should get a Kryptonite blade and Red Sun Shaving Cream and shave just like a normal person!

Clark White decides that he needs to replace Dead Superman because Lex Luthor makes him want to throw up. He's given up his black Superman suit and replaced it with a variant of the New 52 suit that keeps the underwear on the inside. Or maybe there's no underwear at all! Is that kinky or disgusting? Can normal human laundry detergent get Kryptonian sweat stains out of the crotch of a super suit?

While the Metropolis Special Crimes Unit were watching the hostagers in the lobby, the real culprits were busy stealing all of the genes from the top floor. The mastermind behind this crime is some guy sitting in front of a bank of television sets. Oh, so it's Ozymandias, is it? Or is that Doctor Oz now? I bet he's stealing a bunch of DNA records so he can find this Earth's Rorschach before this Earth's Rorschach can make a show of being more ethical than Ozymandias.

Oh, it turns out whatever was stolen from Geneticron was a creature in some metal coffin. Since this story is called "Path to Doom", it must be Doomsday, right? Is the first thing Preboot Superman is going to do after going public is shit his pants? I mean have to have a rematch with Doomsday?

Superman takes a moment to tell Lex that Lex doesn't get to play Superman. But when Lex refuses to give up the power suit, Superman tries to take it from him by force.

Bullshit! That practically proves that's it's New 52 Superman! I thought Preboot Superman was supposed to be more cautious and less rash.

Meanwhile Perry White sends some familiar voiced reporter to report on Superman's return. Jimmy Olsen recognizes the mystery reporter but the comic book doesn't reveal who the surprise person is! Jurgens really wants the reader to think it's Clark Kent which means it's totally somebody else.

Um, like I said, it's totally Clark Kent!

The creature escapes from the Geneticron container, just like Dr. Oz wanted, and crashes down to the ground between Superman and Lex Luthor. Doomsdaddy's home!

This whole Dr. Oz plan seems pretty familiar! Drop a monster into the middle of a city causing so much death and destruction that everybody around the world hugs everybody else around the world and the cold war ends immediately! Um, I mean, terrorism everywhere ends immediately! Although, seriously, how could Ozymandias's plan in the movie adaptation of Watchmen have brought peace to the world? So blowing up a bunch of cities and making Doctor Manhattan the bad guy would have solved all the problems which lead to terrorism and global conflict? It would have simply caused more global conflict as Doctor Manhattan would have seemed less like an independent rogue and more like a United States of America super weapon! Maybe I'm remembering the movie incorrectly. I mean, it's not like I read the original Watchmen and thought teleporting a monstrous squid into Times Square would have united the world! But at least the rest of the book was interesting and the ending was satisfying enough for the themes established. I guess!

Aquaman Rebirth #1

No matter how many Rebirths Aquaman has to suffer through, he'll never be cool.

The Review or Whatever!
Writing Aquaman must be difficult! Whenever I try to write a story focusing on a character without any personality whatsoever, I usually wind up getting a call from my publisher saying, "This is unpublishable dreck. As usual." I think the "as usual" is a bit harsh and unneeded! But she usually continues with something like, "Make me interested in the lead character! Give me something to care about! Maybe write more than three double-spaced pages with large font." And yet DC somehow manages to keep selling Aquaman comic books! Maybe I should see if DC would like to publish some of my stories? Or maybe my publisher will identify with my main character if I remind the reader that the character is stoic! Let me try!

Stoically, Pete the Vampire Hunter thought, "Hmm, that is a werewolf. I hunt vampires! I guess I'll go home and stoically have some popcorn." Stoically, Pete, the stoic person, walked off as the werewolf mauled the children at the playground.

Wow! That's so much better! I'm going to send my publisher a query about Pete the Vampire Hunter immediately! I wonder if I should make a note that this Pete is not the same Pete from A Really Scary Story? Or maybe it is! This can be the sequel! A Really Scary Story Two! Or should I be extra cool and call it A Really Scary Story Too? Hopefully that wouldn't confuse Tumblr User discardvibes two much! Ha ha! That "two" was a joke and not me being stupid!

The issue begins by trying to impress the reader by claiming that Aquaman is the king of 97% of the global biosomething or other! Yeah, but it's all fish! Not that there's anything wrong with fish. But it's not like there's anything in the ocean as cute as a kitten or a raccoon! Maybe a baby dolphin with a pink ribbon on its head. But how many of those can there be? Even after I dropped all those pink ribbons into the Pacific, I doubt more than one of them came to rest on the head of a baby dolphin! No, Aquaman doesn't rule over anything cute. He rules over fish and feces-filled water! Big deal! Although if he can talk to dolphins and whales and get them to do whatever he wants, what's stopping him from commanding a kitten that has fallen off of a boat? They're all mammals! Why can he talk to some mammals as well as fish? Maybe that's not a super power! Maybe he just knows the language of dolphins and whales and manatees and asks them politely to help him. But fish he's got to be all, "Do the thing I want! DO IT! You stupid imbecile! Do it already!" Because fish have small brains! I know that because my publisher often calls me "a fish-brained moron."

I wonder if I should find a new publisher?

Mera has put on her old uniform while she plays the Penny-One to Aquaman's watery Batman. They're going after a group of oceanic terrorists who call themselves The Deluge.

Why does Aquaman think fish can help stop a typhoon or a seaquake? And why is he calling a boatload of refugees "migrants"? How insulting! I think. I mean, I want it to be insulting so I can act like I'm angry at Aquaman. Although it's his narrator that said those things! Wait a second. A narrator?! What kind of crap are you trying to pull, Rebirth?!

The Deluge want to blow up an East Coast city but Aquaman doesn't want an East Coast city blown up. He's recently made the cover of Time magazine and now he just wants his dessert. Although I don't know why he made the cover along with Superman and Wonder Woman. I guess Batman was busy. Or dead.

Next we get to the part of the Retcon or Rebirth or New Direction where the writer tells the reader explicitly to stop thinking Aquaman is a joke.

The Narrator sounds like they're trying to convince themselves!

I already countered the argument the Narrator is making here way back in my review of Aquaman #15! Here, I'll remind you of it by making you read it:

The main group of people that refuse to make fun of Aquaman are those solidly in the Us (comic book readers) versus Them (socially active people) camp. They want to prove that people that make fun of Aquaman are ignorant of his actual powers and abilities. But this stand isn’t about Aquaman at all. It’s about one upping those other jerks that think they’re so cool drinking alcoholic beverages and kissing women on the mouth. Defending Aquaman is never about Aquaman. Let’s face it. We all know he’s the worst Justice League member ever. Defending Aquaman is about making oneself look more knowledgeable than those that would demean Aquaman. It’s about feeling superior. “You make fun of Aquaman because you just don’t get him. *snrt*”

I assure you all: I get him! But I will stand by my right to make fun of him! It’s in the fucking constitution, people! Also, I want to fit in with those people drinking and kissing! “Aquaman fucks fish, amirite?” Now somebody fetch me a drink and kiss me on the mouth already!

You know what else is the problem? Nobody has an obligation to write Aquaman as if the people of the DC Universe are the same kinds of assholes as the people of the comic book reading universe! The populace of the DCU doesn't have to believe Aquaman is a joke! You can make them believe he's a hero! If you don't want people laughing at him, don't write people laughing at him. And if you don't think the readers will accept that then you're already admitting defeat! You want Aquaman to be heroic and respected in the Rebirth Universe? Then don't acknowledge that he's a laughingstock! Just try to ignore that fact! Think of it this way. I have been reading New 52 Superman for five years and screaming, "Why does everybody hate him? Why are you writing a universe where everybody hates and mistrusts him?!" For five years and you ignored me that entire time! So why don't you do the same thing with all of the Aquaman haters? Let them scream into the void that Aquaman is a joke and he's not heroic and he's the stupidest member of the Justice League and not much thought went into creating him and he has no personality and he has sex with fish and his comic book never sells great no matter how long DC makes his hair or how hooky DC makes his hand! Just ignore them and pretend that Aquaman isn't a stupid joke!

I mean, I don't really care. I think it's funny that you've decided to kowtow to the Aquaman haters and acknowledge, within the DC Universe, that people make fun of him constantly. It's kind of a dick editorial move but whatever!

The point of all of this narration is to make sure the reader understands Aquaman. It's all, "He's stoic and exciting! Like a lighthouse! I mean, sure, a lighthouse is only exciting for the one, singular climb to the top and then you're all, 'That's it? Okay. I get it. That's a lighthouse. Never need to read another issue of that!'" And like a lighthouse, Aquaman makes sure boats don't wind up on land and cars don't wind up in the ocean! He's a true hero of both the land and the sea. But like a lighthouse, nobody likes him! They're all, "Well, I can see the point of it. But does it really need to shine that light all night? Annoying! Might as well hang some heavy duty wind-chimes off the side and piss everybody off!"

Yeah, but, come on! The dolphins and whales must talk to him, right?

The Narrator winds up being Black Manta so I guess I'm done being surprised about a narrator appearing in a comic book. I mean a third-person, omniscient narrator and not a character narrating the story to an imagined audience. I mean, the audience is made up of me and the other readers! But Black Manta doesn't know that! There's no reason he should be narrating this story if he's not explicating it to anybody! Anyway, Black Manta wants to kill Mera to make Aquaman feel bad and then he'll kill Aquaman after that. It's one of those dumb plans villains always rely on. Killing Mera will just make the Women in Refrigerators set mad! Oh, also it'll make Aquaman mad! And a mad Aquaman won't be as easy to kill. Plus, Black Manta, don't you think it's just time to call it even? You killed Arthur's dad; he killed your dad. Can't you just call the whole thing off?

The New Titans #86 (May 1992)

Nobody fights anybody for leadership! They only fight because they’re sad that Joseph is dead! You know how those wakes can get out of hand when one guy is all “He was my best friend!” and then some other guy is all “What?! He said he was my best friend!” Then they put down their scotches and cigars and begin punching each other in the face while some woman leans over to some other guy and says, “Who uses the term ‘best friend’ out of junior high?” Then those two go in a closet and fuck.

Some other stuff happened during this story but it’s too boring to go into. Oh, all right! I’ll tell you: I drooled a little bit on my pillow and might have snored.

Wonder Woman Rebirth #1

Why can't my comic book store be consistent and give me all the covers where the heroes are standing awkwardly on the new DC Logo? Oh! I know why! They can't even get me a copy of Flash Rebirth #1 even when it's on my fucking pull list! And they let me walk out of the store without rectifying the situation! If only I were a Type A Personality, I would have made them all very uncomfortable with my man-tantrum! Why do I have to be an understanding, meek asshole who now doesn't have a copy of Flash Rebirth #1?! And probably never will thanks to all of the Wally West fans who had to come back out of the woodwork and support DC Comics again. I suppose I'll just have to make up my reaction to the story as I pretend to read it.

The Review or Whatever!
That was a long caption! I thought maybe getting my frustrations out would help me feel more loosey-goosey while writing this review but my stomach is still upset! The feeling is akin to walking out of The Blair Witch Project where nothing has been resolved and you've achieved no catharsis of any kind. I didn't feel this way when Batman Beyond #13 was left out of my box (which I still don't have a copy of either, Excalibur PDX!) but I don't really care about that. I'm sure I can find that one in a dollar box by now! But if Flash Rebirth #1 sold out in my shop, it probably sold out in all the shops. And I don't really feel like searching for it anyway. So I guess I'll just sit here and feel like throwing up.

I hope I can compartmentalize my anger so I don't judge Greg Rucka's Wonder Woman story too harshly! Oh, who am I kidding?! I can't compartmentalize anything! Every reaction I've had in my adult life has been tainted by my lack of a father's love and bitterness at my relationship with my mother!

Wonder Woman begins this issue with the realization that she has Comic Book Spongiform Encephalopathy. She's full of memories of being born out of clay and of being born out of a vagina (both alone and with a brother named Jason).

That baby has the most kissingest mouth I've ever seen!

I just Tweeted my comic book shop and asked if there was a copy of Flash Rebirth #1 in my box yet and they replied that there was! So now I can finally relax! Whew. That was a close one! Who knew the world was so full of near tragedy and drama?!

Wonder Woman spends the first half of the comic book wondering who she is. She's all, "The truth of who I am matters! But I don't know the truth. So does it really matter? It must! I think. Maybe? Or does it? Has it ever? What's this lasso good for anyway?!"

She's quoting old Greek guys, so she must at least still be Greek! Probably. I mean, I'm not Greek but I still sometimes accidentally quote Greeks. But usually only because I know their quotes from popular culture. Like Wonder Woman comics! Remember when she said, "In war, the first casualty is truth"? Catchy!

Wonder Woman's spongy brain is trying to come to terms with suddenly remembering every retcon she's ever been through. And she's been through more than most! So now she has all these alternate histories that explain why she left Paradise Island, or how she grew up there, or how she was conceived, or how she once thought wearing bicycle shorts was an acceptable fashion choice. All of it was true! Unless none of it was true? Maybe some of it was true? Oh no! Now I'm doing what Wonder Woman does for the first half of this comic book! Every question she asks has all the answers and no answers at the same time! How will she reconcile this messy Rebirth?!

To find out the truth, Wonder Woman ties up the editors of DC Comics in her lasso and asks them to explain themselves. They just sort of shrug and say, "Wez gotz bonerz?" Since DC's editors aren't any help anymore because writers get to write whatever they want (that's my truth that might be less truth and more fantasy), Wonder Woman ignores them and ties herself up. Now I gotz bonerz!

Has there ever been a scene where Diana loops the lasso around the ankles of everybody at the Justice League Christmas Party? And by "Christmas", of course I mean "secular holiday where everybody gathers together to get drunk and exchange cheap gifts which will probably wind up in the trash by the end of the year".

Wonder Woman decides to go to Olympus to get some answers for why she's so confused. She probably should go to the office of Geoff Johns to find out why he's trying to blame Alan Moore and the Watchmen for his and his creative teams' mistakes! Why not blame Frank Miller?! Oh, that's right. Because Frank Miller is still willing to work with DC.

Wonder Woman arrives to find Olympus is just as much a lie as her own past. Apparently Doctor Manhattan doesn't have a quick enough imagination to keep up the lie as Diana continues to dig deeper. Too bad Doctor Manhattan wasn't a writer before becoming an omniscient blue nudist. A writer could have totally kept Diana fooled! So I guess it's also too bad Meredith Finch wasn't a writer before working on Wonder Woman! Was that too much of a burn? I kind of feel bad for that one! Not bad enough to delete the thought into nonexistence though!

Wonder Woman #52

This cover makes me sad because it reminds me when I was a little tuna-lad and Cliff Chiang was doing the art on this book.

The Review or Whatever!
Writing is hard. Not just the typing part although that's pretty tough too! The part of writing where you have to put words together and hope that an editor doesn't mark up your computer screen with her evil red pen. Why are there so many rules to remember? Like don't end sentences with prepositions such as "of" or "with". Or incomplete sentences! Those are a real hassle! And what about that other thing that people hate? The old lady thing? Oh yeah! Grammar! Ugh! But the really truly hardest part of writing is not writing Wonder Woman's story in the most sexist way possible! That part of writing is hard even when you manage not to do it because people are just frothing at the mouth to point out sexism in everything! I bet I just sounded like a sexist four or five times in this paragraph alone! Especially that part where I called my mother a bitch!

Oh wait! I only thought that part! I thought I wrote it because I think it constantly! When I'm not thinking about that, I'm thinking about how my father was a drunk bastard who never had any time for me! Occasionally I'll have a free moment where I'm not thinking about my parents and then I start thinking about my sister! What a cunt!

I told you writing is hard! I'm not even writing about Wonder Woman and I got all sexist anyway! That's why I've decided to go easy on Meredith Finch this last issue. Because I see how hard it must be to take a feminist icon like Wonder Woman and try to tell your story about how every woman's greatest yearning is to be a mother. That's a tough job to pull off! Especially when you have so many jerks on the Internet telling you how awful you are and how you married a guy who draws pretty good female breasts. Although it's creepy that he always attaches them to thirteen year old girls. And you'd think he'd spend at least a little time practicing drawing men's faces so that they didn't look like bizarre Fish People hiding in the shadows even when they're standing directly under the noonday sun.

This issue is called "In the Name of Love" because it's story about a woman and that's pretty much the only subject anybody is interested in when the main character is a woman. I don't want to see her doing science or fighting battles or making really strong Magic the Gathering decks! I want to see her find love, settle down, cook up a nice dinner, and end the night with some nice, mature doing of it. Who's with me, Internet?!

I'm glad people can't throw tomatoes through the Internet because I bet I'd currently be covered in mustard. I mean ketchup!

I don't think the kind of love the title is referring to is the sexy kind of love. I think it's the motherly love and the gal-pal love of hinted at lesbianism. So Diana has to save Zola who is under the kind of spell that looks like it needs to be broken by a long, deep girl-on-girl kiss! And she has to save Zeke because she's got a bad case of Baby Rabies. At first I typed "Baby Ravies" but that's an entirely different story that has even more pacifiers than you'd usually find in a story about babies.

Oh gross! Hecate wants to do it to a baby?! I bet even the Olympians frown on that!

The theme of this entire story has either been Wonder Woman can't wait to have a Kryptonian baby, or people who look like monsters aren't always monsters and monsters who look like people sometimes swim really well. Because now Hecate is telling Zeke all about how she was treated like a monster because she looked like a monster which is why she became a monster who wants to do it to a baby. Because that's the theme, I think Diana has to forgive Hecate at the end of this all because Hecate was so misunderstood and victimized. It's the only way to be sure that the victimizing victim doesn't get blamed for wanting to do it to a baby.

I really can't let go Hecate's desire to do it to a baby! You all know what I mean by "it", right? It's hard to tell because kids today have so many words for doing it, words like "talking" and "hooking up" and "Cleveland Steamer".

Hera appears and begins calling Hecate a disgusting monster whose vagina offered Zeus nothing but power! Man. I wish I had some power! I actually wish I had some carrot cake. Vagina scares me. I mean, penis scares me too! But the story didn't really mention penis. I mean, it mentioned Zeus was a misogynistic whore which is a pretty good nickname for a penis, as in "I've got a pretty average-sized misogynistic whore!"

Whew! I'm glad Hera has turned out to be the real monster because I'd rather believe gorgeous people are the true monsters and hideous little misshapen vomit-inducers are the good people of the world! My reasons for wanting to believe this are secret reasons that you wouldn't understand because you don't have to look into the same mirror that I do! Besides, it's always nice to have another reason to hate beautiful people!

Diana ties up Hera with her Golden Lasso and then begins fighting with Hecate. I guess she's just run out of patience with everybody. I totally get that! I'm like, "Ugh! Stop trying to stay in contact with me, family! I moved away for a reason!" And then my sister is all, "But we love you! Why do you keep us at arm's length?!" And then I'm all, "You still haven't fucking apologized for changing the channel while I was watching the video for Lionel Richie's 'Hello'!" There. That's the story! Now you see why I used such a harsh word to describe my sister. I think you'll agree it was justified!

While Hecate and Diana battle, Hera wanders up to murder Zeke. I'm so confused by the multiple symbols that make up this moment! Zeus is symbolic of the Patriarchy and about to be destroyed forever by the ultimate battered and beleaguered wife! But Zeus is currently a baby which is like carrot cake to the Matriarchy! And the misogynist whore is in the lap of Gaia, the ultimate mother! Meanwhile a monster fights to save the baby while the beautiful person wants to murder it! Up is down and down is racist!

Hecate sees her chance to run off as Hera and Diana work through all the symbols in their final New 52 conversation. Love, manipulation, mothers, fathers, Gods, beauty, ugliness, truth, Frisbee Golf. They discuss it all! This is the point in the comic book where you purchase Huey Lewis's "The Power of Love" from iTunes and begin rocking out to it. It's also the point where Zeke turns back into Zeus only five years after I first said Zeke was Zeus. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

All that's left are the end of Stand By Me epilogues! Hera went on to remain a bitter, hateful shrew at the side of a misogynistic whore! But at least she looked beautiful doing it, the monster!

Hecate went to live in a vagina with a penis.

The Penises, or Cyclopes, are allowed to wander freely staring creepily at everybody. Zola died in the war. And Wonder Woman now spends her time smelling Zeke's nappy to remember that time when she almost had a baby of her own, fulfilling all of her dreams! Although I don't get why everybody is sad about the "death" of Zeke! He didn't die and he was never really a baby! He was just Zeus doing some weird new pervo action! "Hmm," wondered Zeus as he banged his thingy into Zola's thingy over and over (unless it only takes one over to be over!), "Coming in this vagina feels awesome! I wonder what coming out of it would feel like?!" Gross!

Aquaman #52

"Ay! Yo! I talks ta fish 'n shit."

The Review or Whatever!
I hope when Wally West returned for Rebirth, he was able to remind people that Aquaman isn't a bad-ass at all and is really just a joke! We all know he's a joke! He'll never be more than a joke! All of you Aquaman defenders know it too! You must be so tired of trying to convince everybody that they shouldn't be laughing so hard at Aquaman riding a giant seahorse! You're all, "No! That's Pre-Crisis Aquaman! That's not Modern Aquaman! Modern Aquaman is all grim and stoic! He's so strong that he...stop giggling! You just don't get it!" Then they do a quick internet image search to find this picture to prove that Aquaman is a bad-ass:

How is Aquaman doing his version of Sharknado supposed to prove that he isn't silly and stupid?

I think Aquaman might be off the hook now because Geoff Johns just wandered into my sights! Look at that stupid fucking sharks eating parademons moment! That moment could be the definition of Geoff Johns. He has a way of finding the most stupidly ridiculous thing or idea to incorporate into his comic book that somehow hits just the right note with a certain type of comic book fan! You know what kind of comic book fan I'm talking about. No, no. You know. It's what I call Geoff John's Drunk Ideas Made Reality. He and some friend he can bounce ideas off of go out and get pissed until Johns comes up with a list of stupid fucking ideas that he can work into a nonsensical story that really goes nowhere but has enough stupid twists that fangenders (this might be one of those times I can actually just say fanboys!) ruin their underwear over. And because he's in creative control of the universe, he can make any "What-If" scenario he comes up with, no matter how stupid, into actual continuity. Just like how he retconned Aquaman into not being a joke!

Currently Aquaman is off battling Scavenger. It sounds pretty boring if you remember Scavenger is just some guy in scuba gear that has shark teeth painted on the mask. But this is the New 52 and Improved Scavenger! This is Scavenger in a Robotic Suit comparable to anything Batman has! I mean, it wasn't forged in the heart of a sun and imbued with the purity of fifty-eight virgins or anything. But then he's only battling Aquaman, so it's not like it has to have every bell and rape whistle. Scavenger built the suit because his plan is to kill Aquaman and then nobody will be able to stop him from looting the ocean of every bit of valuable whatever within it. That seems like a stupid plan. Is that how it would work if I wanted to get into bank robbing? I should kill the sheriff in my town and then I'll be free to rob banks willy-nilly?

Mera is currently dealing with her own problems. Dead Water managed to shed a tear even though the comic book expressly told the readership that that was totally fucking impossible. But, well, you know how it is. Last issue was super boring when Mera was just asking Dead Water questions. And I whined about it the entire time! So I should be happy that the rules were broken and Dead Water is free! Plus I get to look at pictures of Mera looking hot while fighting.

She literally didn't need to add literally. Plus I think her suit is way lower cut than in the previous issue.

Dead Water escapes because even though Mera tried to completely dehydrate him, she must have left one tear inside him. Or maybe it was a wet fart. So now Dead Water has gone after Aquaman although I think he's really after Scavenger so Aquaman's problems might soon just sort themselves out.

The whole middle of the comic book is Dead Water's origin story as explained by Scavenger. Now, I know I often wish comic books had more down time and less punching but holy shit is Aquaman's down time boring! I wish Scavenger weren't so willing to acquiesce and blab the whole story! Put up a fight, dummy! I don't really care if I never know how this guy Payne became Dead Water! It's not like the origin story explains it anyway. Payne just came into contact with water that was different than water but still water. How does that explain anything? Now because he touched #waternotwater, he can become a sea serpent that transmutes its body into water? Oh! Okay! I'm glad that was explained so scientifically!

Look, comic book. Just be a comic book. Don't try to be more than you are and become a scientific paper up for review. Just sit there on the steps of Congress and shut the fuck up.

Payne interrupts Snorefest 2.0 just as Scavenger was about to reveal that the Weird Water came from Atlantis's sewage outflow system! Probably!

Aquaman winds up murdering Payne after Payne almost kills Scavenger. Although Payne's death is probably more "Suicide By Aquaman" than murder. Scavenger gets to live because he's been a part of Aquaman's history for a long time and he knows the secret location of the Weird Water. But he's in a coma so that Aquaman doesn't get any answers just yet! I mean, first Dan Abnett has to think up a semi-interesting story with long, dull moments surrounding the Weird Water!