Cyborg #10

Fuck! Wolfman is now writing this book? I'm sorry I ever criticized David Walker's writing!

The Review!
I'm not completely sure if I used to like Wolfman's writing and now hate it, or I'm still pissed at him for promising that I'd have an Elfquest movie fifteen years ago and nothing! Fucking dick.

This issue ends the Technosapien story arc once and for all. Hooray! But it does it in almost as boring a way as the previous issues. The action was terrible and Marv Wolfman's entire concept of Victor Stone's character is making him say "Holmes" a lot. But the stuff with his holographic mother being a plant by the technosapiens, and the dialogue the Stone family shared, weren't awful. So a couple of kind of highlights in this issue but overall, this entire Cyborg series has been a big pass for me. Except I didn't pass any of it! I'm a fucking sucker!

Batman #51

Gotham City is analogous to Batman's bowels?

The Review! And the Commentary!
Before I say anything about this comic book, let me say a couple of things I think the television show Gotham got right last week. In it, Gordon and tiny Bruce have a brief dialogue that finally gives a glimmer of reason for having Gordon kill Galavan. I'm not going to defend the fact that the Gotham writers thought it was a good idea to have the one incorruptible person on the police force to commit cold blooded murder. But since that ship and every other ship in the entire fucking navy has already sailed, I have to accept it. Gordon, as a mentor, can now strongly sway Bruce Wayne away from going down the murder route. It saves Bruce from ever having to find that out the hard way and be tainted in the same way Gordon is now tainted. I don't know if it went a long way to helping the show but it's a fucking start. Plus Galavan has come back to life, so Gordon gets to forget he committed murder and just point to Azrael whenever anybody mentions Galavan and say, "See?! See! I didn't fucking shoot him in the face like everybody thinks I did!" Although, you know, he knows he did so whatever. The other part of the episode that gave me a good chuckle was the part about Enigma giving Strange the idea to implant stories into the bad guys. I don't know how many times I've written about how many fucking assholes in Gotham have an Alice in Wonderland fetish. And now Gotham has explained why! As well as why so many themed and costumed criminals wind up popping up in Gotham City! I just hope they run with it even bigger in the television show! Let's see somebody modeled off of Captain Ahab, or Javert, or Rick Deckard!

Okay, that's all the space I feel like giving to Gotham. It really needs to do better.

Last commentary, I wrote, "People really like to read things that let them say, “Ooh! Meta-textual commentary! Smartsies!” And Scott Snyder likes to fill his Batman comic book with that kind of thing." That continues to be a pretty accurate review of Snyder's Batman here in Issue #51. It begins pretty near as meta as it can get talking about white font on a black page in white font on a black page followed by describing Gotham as the first line of the last story you'll ever write. Not that Snyder is never going to write another Batman story (unless All-Star Batman isn't about Batman?) but it's the last story he's going to write in this 52 thematically-linked issue story. In other words, it feels like Snyder just jerked off right into my mouth. The story in this issue is called "Gotham Is", so he's bringing the whole thing around full circle. The series began with Bruce thinking about what makes Gotham Gotham. Sometime in the middle of the series, Bruce gives a big speech after the Red Hood shit goes down about what makes Gotham Gotham. And throughout the entire run, Gotham has been treated as one of the main characters, more so than I remember having ever been done in this long of a series of stories. This is Snyder's Epilogue, the Denouement to his Long Tale, writ large in blinking, sputtering neon.

Fucking hell! Getting dice wrong like this just blisters the inside of my skull!

The issue begins with some cute back and forth between Bruce and Alfred which is nice to see. I would love to see that Batman was brought back with a lot of his emotional scars and internal pain cured by the Dionesium. That's my own speculation but what has been healed is Alfred's hand, thanks to Crazy Quilt and some unnamed hand donor. Probably a murderer and it has a mind of its own! Eep! At one point in the playful exchange, Bruce says the "justice flavored" drink Alfred gives him "tastes like bananas" and Alfred says Bruce should contemplate that statement. Is Alfred suggesting Batman become Bananaman? I think he is!

I wonder how many paragraphs I can spend discussing how much the new Batmobile looks like a penis? Probably just one quite short one.

Jim Gordon is back to smoking. That may or may not be penis related as well.

On this night that Batman has returned, Gotham experiences a blackout. I bet it's metaphorical! Batman is sure it's some criminal rather than too many air conditioners running at once and he's off to investigate. First he heads to Arkham to find Jeremiah Arkham has finally installed a security system that might actually keep the inmates inside. At least for this story since the insane criminals aren't what this story is about. Next time things will be different though, I'm sure.

Batman, in drag, checks out the Court of Owls and discovers they're not behind it. But they do mention something called The Mantling! It sounds...well, not terrifying at all.

The Penguin is staying in. The Joker is still the weird guy on the park bench. Nothing out of the ordinary seems to be happening on this night in Gotham. Sometimes a blackout is a blackout is a blackout is just a blackout, you paranoid fuck!

Gotham is an after school special!

Ultimately, of course, the power outage was caused by no criminal intent. And that night in Gotham, nobody tries to take advantage of the darkness. And the people feel safer, knowing Batman watches over the city. He'll be there when the city needs him. But in this issue, he isn't needed. Boring!

Just kidding! I loved this fucking issue! I don't know if Snyder is going to have an Issue #52 but it probably wouldn't matter. This is his last story. This is the epilogue. This is the bow and the curtain call and the lights going down. And it's fucking aces.

Batgirl #51

What a fucking waste, Babs! Throwing away beautiful Doc Martens like that while children in India are running around barefoot! Probably!

The Review!
Barbara Gordon isn't so much learning that as a woman living in modern times, she can't have it all so much as she's learning that as a woman living in modern times, she has to fret and worry about how she can't have it all. Myself, I think she's being too dramatic. But that's the whole point! Batgirl's life needs drama just when everything seems to be working out. She has great friends. She has a boyfriend. She has a business. She's a super hero. She's making a strong go of living on her own as an adult. The issue of children and family hasn't even been brought up yet and she's already breaking down! Perhaps I'm being too sensitive to this "working woman struggling with balance in her life" story because of how browbeatingly awful it's been used in the Finches' Wonder Woman comic book. But I feel like female characters are being forced to be too introspective about how much of their life they're giving up by choosing to be a superhero. It would be one thing if Bruce Wayne were the only character able to run a business, "raise a kid", and be a hero because he obviously gave up on having a normal family when he was eight. Plus the "raise a kid" part is in quotes since I don't think it counts as raising a child if you put him in a garish costume and keep him up all night risking his life. Batman is DC's favorite son, so even if Batman had a perfect relationship, he would be an anomaly because he's the motherfucking Batman. But what about Aquaman? He has it all! No, wait. I don't think I count him as a "superhero". He's more of a joke in a stupid costume. But Superman of Lois and Clark! He's got it all, right?! Unless he doesn't have a job. Does Clark White have a job? I don't remember!

Um, anyway, whatever the case with everybody's lives in the DC Youniverse, it doesn't seem like the male characters have to eat their fucking hearts out worrying about the situation. Batgirl's solution by the end of this comic book is to give her job as president of Gordon Green Gassy Electric to Alysia. That's a good solution because who wants to see Batgirl have a day job anyway? What a bore! She also decides to take some time away from Luke which is okay by me too for the same reason! What a bore! Batwing has never been sexy or exciting! Besides, his suit makes him look fat. Ultimately, Barbara will wind up spending more time with her friends as Batgirl which is really all I want from this comic book anyway. And maybe some sexy slumber parties!

Daredevil #6

Is this cover All Ages appropriate?!

The Review!
One thing I was thinking while reading Daredevil #6 was, "Why am I reading Daredevil?" The easy answer is because I fell in love with Charles Soule and decided to support him but I wish I would have known he was doing that Vision comic book too (although he isn't, dum-dum!). I think I would have liked that better than this one because even though Charles Soule is writing it (except he isn't! Tom King is!), I can't stop thinking, "Why am I reading Daredevil?" He's never really intrigued me. You might even say that between Daredevil and Nick Fury, they helped ruin Marvel Comics for me! They were the first comic books I discovered and I found them utterly boring. Maybe not Daredevil as much as Nick Fury. Imagine a little kid picking up a comic book called "Nick Fury, Agent of Shield." It may as well have read "Your Father's Friend, Tow Truck Driver" across the front. I remember one cover was just Nick Fury's face really big. At least he had an eye patch. Although if he hadn't had that eye patch, I probably wouldn't have been tricked into reading the comic book! All of the potential excitement was in the eye patch! And really, Daredevil wasn't much better. A blind lawyer? I'm eight years old and I'm supposed to find the adventures of a blind lawyer exciting? It's possible (and highly probable) I never even read their comic books anyway. I think there were a few Hulk books in the box of comics that I read and then gave up on them altogether. It's not like Hulk fought a bear or anything.

Another thing I thought while reading this comic book: Elektra has a kid? That may have spoiled the ending if nobody else also knew that Elektra had a kid either. Aside from that, it was a flaccid, mediocre experience. Charles Soule, you can do better.

Titans Hunt #7

I once ripped Marcus To four new assholes for a boring ass cover like this and it was done ten times better. This is bullshit, Romita. BULL. SHIT.

The Review
The greatest trick DC ever pulled was convincing comic book readers that the Teen Titans were ever entertaining. I blame the Teen Titans cartoon for making people think the comic was enjoyable. I've been trying to get through the second volume of the New Teen Titans (I think it's the second volume? The eighties version with Raven and Jericho?) and it's so much fucking shit that I can't force myself to get through more than one per week! And there are over one hundred of the fucking things! Maybe I'm just not the target audience for the Teen Titans. I think the target audience is dunderheads who don't give a shit about theme or plot or characterization and just want to read romantic triangles and see characters give each other longing looks spurred on by unrequited love! Fuck that nonsense. Love is bullshit and fantasy love in fictional stories is even bigger bullshit than that! You want to read a real love story? Read Edith Wharton's Age of Innocence. Now that's a fucking love story! Compared to that, romance in the Teen Titans books is equivalent to sticking a finger up your ass and giving it a nice big whiff after. Titans Hunt is not better. Which is sad because it's the best depiction of these characters since The New 52 began. Which isn't saying munch since Scott Lobdell has been set up as regent of their omniverse.

Poison Ivy: Cycle of Life and Death #4

I have no idea what this cover has to do with the story inside except that Catwoman is indeed in this issue.

The Review!
You know how you can tell if you're a narcissist? Well, first off you're probably not reading this because you didn't know it was going to be about you. But if you happen to be reading this for some reason, like maybe you're Amy Chu and you thought your self-esteem was healthy enough to read Internet comments about your work, or you're my mother who just happened to realize her son had a somewhat popular comic book blog on the internet, then maybe you'll learn something! You are a narcissist if you've ever been upset when somebody spells your name wrong or if somebody pronounced your name incorrectly after only having read it. Your name has never been on a list of words that people were supposed to automatically know how to spell or pronounce, you asshole. Get over your fucking self and stop thinking it's cute to Instagram photos of your name spelled wrong on Starbucks cups. You know when you have a right to be upset about your name being spelled wrong? On Christmas cards from your fucking grandparents. Instagram that shit and I might give a fuck. But when you mumble your oh-so-fucking-unique name to a clerk and they wind up getting it wrong, stop acting like they're so dumb. You're the fucking genius who somehow thinks everybody should know how to spell your stupid Goddamned name. By the way, Poison Ivy was mediocre at best.

Doctor Fate #11

Where's Perry White when you need him?

The Review!
I accidentally purchased two copies of this issue because my local comic book store is either full of sadists or smart ass practical jokers. Last week, I didn't consult my list of new comics closely enough and just made sure the number of comic books was the same as the number I was expecting. Lo and behold, it was! But I should have known something was up because Black Canary came out that week and my comic book store never fucking puts Black Canary into my subscription box. Instead they put in another copy of this fucking book. I don't mind taking the $2.24 (after discount!) hit. What I'm really worried about is that DC will think that this book sold more copies than it really should have and think that it's gaining in popularity! I suppose that won't happen since the book was already purchased by my book store and that's all that matters. Fuckers just figured out a way to get this shit out of their inventory by pawning it off on me! Bastards. Do I really need a proper review after the previous statements? I believe I've made my opinion on this book clear.