Batman and Robin Eternal #24

Is this the issue where Azrael is not just killed but wiped out of DC Continuity completely and forever?!

Rating: No change. When Rebirth happens, I'm going to change my ratings system! I'm going to be like everybody else and say things like, "8 out of 10 erect phalluses! The writer used dozens of different words, the artist's characters were all easily differentiated from one another (you know. Like in the way Charlie Adlard or Steve Dillon's characters aren't!), and the colorist really used a lot of colors!"

• Bullet points are really fucking useful!

• If this were a business, I would be super succeeding based on my new ability to use bullet points!

• Since last time I used bullet points, I've realized that I'm not typing in German so the noun "bullet points" does not need to be capitalized.

• Is "bullet" part of the noun "bullet points" or just the adjective describing what kind of amazing business points I'm making? I assume they're called bullet points because they're fucking killer.

• Robin has hardly appeared at all in this story which seems weird for a comic book calling itself "Batman and Robin Eternal."

• • • Does using three bullet points indicate an extra important bullet point or is it a kind of bullet point ellipsis?

• This issue is called "All Out" so I'm assuming DC has finally decided to make all of their characters gay. They might lose a lot of older fans who will tell you to your face that they're not being homophobic but respecting traditional comic book storytelling while they'll gain a lot of younger fans who will torrent all of their shit because why the fuck not?

• I could actually tell you why the fuck not in this bullet point but nobody who torrents shit is reading this because it's both a wall of text and not something that they should have had to pay for and are now getting for free. If it's free to start with, why fucking bother?

• Oh! I bet I can answer that question too! But nobody wants to hear what another white heterosexual male thinks except for the white heterosexual male thinking the things. I know I'm super interested in the things I'm going to be thinking about Batman and Robin Eternal #24! I can't wait until I finally start thinking them!

You're beating on children all over the world! I think Mother has already won! Hell, "beating on" would be compassionate! Red Hood is fucking shooting them!

• Twelve cities around the world are being taken over by children. One of those cities, Tokyo, has fallen! I bet it's because the kids got their courage up by drinking beers out of vending machines on the street. Can you imagine if cities in America had beer in vending machines?! Those machines would be in the backs of teenagers' pick-up trucks all over the country!

This is a fitting image because there's a graveyard just across the street from Tokyo Tower. I climbed the wall to get pictures! Japanese people pretended they didn't see because seeing somebody break the rules is practically breaking the rules yourself.

This is it! I think! Maybe I should have labeled my pics from Asia.

• The Bat-family members are finally shutting down the Icthys receivers because the series is almost over.

• It's kind of a big joke that Midnighter isn't getting to beat up on little kids because he has to man the communication center. But for a kid who was abused and experimented on, I'm fairly certain he doesn't want to beat up a bunch of innocent kids being manipulated by Mother.

• I probably should have been more cynical with my last bullet point. I don't want to get a reputation for taking comic books seriously.

• My downstairs neighbor seems to be learning to play the ukulele. I suppose it's better than practicing being a DJ. Barely.

• To prepare the world to be strong enough to survive a massacre, Mother massacres the world so they'll be strong enough to survive a massacre. I don't think Mother has truly thought her plan through.

• Mother tries to convince Harper to cut her ties and become the weapon she was meant to be. Does Mother know about Harper's brother Cullen? If so, she wouldn't trust that she's turning Harper to her side. I think Harper might be kicking Mother's ass soon.

• How satisfying is the phrase "kicking Mother's ass" to you? No? Just me?

• Azrael arrives and commands Dick to join his side. Dick should join Azrael's side because they both want the same thing but I won't blame Dick if he chooses not to join Azrael. I wouldn't join Azrael if he offered me one million blow jobs. I mean dollars. I'd probably join for the blow jobs.

• I'd rather get a hand job than a blow job because I like to imagine my own hands beating me off. Oh wait. That's just masturbating. That's what I like.

• Dick wants Mother in a courtroom. Azrael wants mother in a coffin. So I guess they don't want the same thing.

• Mother sends out a super ninja orphan to fight each member of the Bat-family. Midnighter sends Spoiler to Tokyo because she's the most like Sailor Moon. Except in purple. So Sailor Saturn, I guess.

When I was in high school, I dreamed about this kind of armpit to vagina contact with females!

• Mother offers Cassandra up to Harper to kill. How much of a genius can Mother truly be if she thinks Harper is going to murder a helpless Cassandra instead of turning the blade on Mother? I suppose this is where that whole pride comes before a fall nonsense comes in.

• A lot of people have serious doubts about Batman Loves Superman: Dawn of Just Us because--let's face it--it looks ridiculous. But you know the moment in the preview when I rolled my eyes and made the wanking off gesture? When Lex Luthor does the voice over about power corrupting. Aren't writers tired of using the same old fucking cliches in everything they write? Here's a twist: sometimes power doesn't corrupt! You know why it usually seems to corrupt? Because, generally, only corrupt assholes seek power! People who aren't corrupt? Couldn't give a fuck about being powerful.

Okay, I want you to admit it if you're the one person who actually finds this moment tense! We all know what's going to fucking happen here! Harper is going to free Cassandra and they're going to go in the corner and fingerbang.

Detective Comics #50

This gives me a great idea for an installation in downtown Portland!

Rating: Does it even matter at this point? I rate this issue a "Well, fuck it. Rebirth and renumbering are coming soon! Enjoy whatever the hell is left of the DC Youniverse, assholes!"

Batman must hate bullet points, right? Well, fuck you, Batman! Bullet point time!

Although this is James Gordon's Batman and James doesn't have an aversion to guns. At least not before he became Batman and suddenly he had to use a gun that shoots Batarangs. Remember those guns we had in the seventies that shot little discs out of it? Nowadays people might think those are too dangerous for kids to play with but it's not like they were proper choking hazards. The discs had lots of holes in them so you could breathe through them when they lodged in your throat.

This was the best toy ever! Kids today are pussies because their toy guns only shoot Nerf discs and at a much lower velocity than these discs traveled. Also they probably have to wear helmets when shooting Nerf discs at each other. And they probably have to be supervised by at least one parent (of every child! You're an irresponsible parent if you trust your child's safety to another parent). It's not the fault of the kids that they're pussies today. It's the kids of my generation who became overprotective parents that have turned the world into a giant game of Bumper Bowling.

Okay, I think I said something about Bullet Points earlier! Here we go!

• Commissioner Batman is currently hunting a killer who dresses up in historical costumes to murder people also dressed in historical outfits. He also takes one of their bones because I'm guessing he's building a wacky skeleton for his Murder Room. But the killer doesn't have free rein to choose any historical figure he'd like! Nope! He has to use a figure based on one of the many statues of historical people located around Gotham. I think that's because he needed to use the statues in his mask making process.

I don't really know how bullet points work so I'm just going to be using them as a way to ease myself out of one thought and into another thought without needing some kind of a segue. Except for right now where I'm over-explaining things! Because that last Bullet Point was the "Here's what's been happening! Now we're all caught up! Give yourselves a round of applause!" Bullet Point. Now I'm moving on to the "Here's what happened this month in Detective Comics that might be important to remember next month!" Bullet Points.

• Don't you hate when you're trying to read your comic book and the protective Mylar bag gets stuck to your arm and you flip the fuck out like a cat with a piece of tape on its paw? So annoying!

• Detective Bullock might want to try a bigger hat size. Although I don't wear hats so maybe that's how they're supposed to fit?

• I hope the Unicode for the Bullet Points actually appears as a Bullet Point! I mean, it is called "Unicode" which I think means it's a universal code and should work across all coded platforms in the universe. But I can't help but think I'd feel more secure if it were called Omnicode.

• Detective Bullock thinks that chess is played with rocks.

• James Gordon is shit at solving mysteries. Bruce would have wrapped this up during his morning bowel movement.

• The Bronze Age Killer's next victim is a dog. Does Gotham City have a statue honoring Ace the Bathound?

• Detective work in Gotham consists mainly of beating the shit out of people and then believing everything they've said when they really just said what would stop the shit getting beaten out of them. This is how I know the majority of people in the world are unthinking idiots. Because they still believe torture works. They believe lie detectors are accurate. They believe people don't get manipulated into giving false confessions. They believe eye witnesses are as reliable as filmed footage. And they don't believe police won't falsify evidence to support what the police believe are accurate assumptions about the guilt of a suspect. Remember when Mark Fuhrman was accused of planting evidence in the OJ Simpson trial? Remember how most of white America put their hands to their mouths in shocked disbelief that anybody could think that? I'm not speculating on the guilt or innocence of Simpson but I have no doubt that it's a strong possibility Fuhrman planted that evidence. Not because he wanted to frame OJ. But because he actually believed OJ did it and was just trying to help the case. I never really thought too much on it until Netflix's Making A Murderer. After watching that, I've come to the conclusion that every case ever brought to an American Court should be thrown out! Clean slates all around! Give everybody a certificate showing they've done their time, tell them to be better, slap them on the ass, and send them out the front gates! With a little positive reinforcement, I think we can all be on our best behavior from here on out! Let's do this!

• The Bronze Age Killer didn't really try too hard on this one, did he? Where are the historically accurate dog sled reins? Where are the boxes of diphtheria antitoxin? Where is the cease and desist notices from Stephen Spielberg?

• I didn't really think much about the Bronze Age Killer up until the point he killed the dog. Now I despise him. Go ahead and kill people. Most of them will eventually prove themselves to be worthless anyway. But a fucking animal? Come on! I mean, I guess I wouldn't have felt much if he'd murdered a cow because I'm currently pretty hungry. But a dog?! How in the world do you kill a dog? A dog owner I can understand! But a dog?

• According to the Balto statue, Gotham City is canonically New York!

• According to the Saint George Versus the Dragon statue which all of the Bronze Age Killer's other statues are looking toward, Gotham City is canonically Berlin.

• The Bronze Age Killer dresses up his next victims as Alice and Lewis Carroll. I've done that roleplay! Now wait. Before you think it's weird, just realize that I was Alice.

• The Bronze Age Killer's plan is to open a portal to Hell so that he can battle the devil. So the guy isn't as crazy as I thought.

• Commissioner Batman discovers the location of the Bronze Age Killer's ritual thanks to detective work that didn't rely on beating the crap out of somebody. Disappointing.

In other words, James, you don't have the Bruce Wayne cojones to stick with the Batman job.

• Commissioner Batman saves the day but he's got some thinking to do! If he isn't willing to go whole hog at being Batman, he's going to have to give the job back to Bruce Wayne. Which, thankfully, should be happening quite soon over in Batman #50. Hopefully. Penises crossed!

• The extra dollar on the cover price is justified by throwing a bunch of Narration Boxes onto an updated art gallery of old Batman covers to make it into some kind of "story."

Two more days to Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!

Superman #50

Basically the Superman/Batman movie boils down to whether you like Chocolate-Strawberry or Caramel cereal? I guess I'm Team Superman!

Rating: No change.

I've become so invested in how this God-awful Superman story is going to end that I had to bring back the long-form commentaries for a few issues. Also, I'm simply avoiding doing my taxes. It's such drudgery!

At the end of Superman Loves Wonder Woman #27, Vandal Savage was gaining more and more powers from being in close proximity to the comet that made him immortal thirty thousand years ago. He's going to need the extra powers because Superman just got his powers back as well! I wish I could say something like "I hope this fight is going to be as good as Superman's battle against Doomsday" but that fight was shit, wasn't it? Just a lot of punching each other into buildings until everybody died. I doubt this fight will end in the death of anybody. I'm actually hoping it ends by page three with all of Vandal Savage's teeth knocked out and Superman banging Wonder Woman on top of his unconscious body in celebration.

I almost get my wish! Page two and three are a double splash of Superman punching Vandal Savage in the face. Shards of the comet are flying by in the background and at first glance, I thought they were teeth! According to Vandal, Superman has already lost because he's relying on punching instead of making a plan. Although I suppose if punching is the plan, Vandal is screwed.

This is that part which I mentioned happens every time Superman meets a new threat. Superman mentions how he actually felt a punch or, as here, got the wind knocked out of him. Now the reader knows how powerful Vandal is and how tense the situation really is! Oh my!

Instead of killing Superman, Vandal Savage decides to play a game of Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future with him. I suppose it's because his plan is to...okay, you know what? I can't even be bothered to make up a stupid reason for Vandal not killing Superman. It must all be part of the plan because plans are important! More important than punches! Or friends!

Vandal's son Puzzler (or the robot version of him, anyway) uses some techno-hoodoo to send Superman back to Krypton just as the planet is about to explode. I'm sure he's not really there! Like I said, this is probably a Ghost of Christmas Past thing. I guess Vandal wants Superman to learn some kind of a lesson about being a douche.

Although Superman seems to be corporeal enough to save his mother and father from being crushed. It's probably just an acid trip. Or a device built by Hordr_root capable of creating virtual simulations. Vandal decides to show Superman what one timeline might have looked like had something beyond Superman's control turned out different. Wow. How fascinating. Imagine that! Things could have turned out differently if things had happened differently. I can see I'm in for a really tedious read.

After showing Superman how Krypton could possibly have lived if things had happened in the way his totally false and assumptive simulation calculated, Vandal takes Superman to a future which is complete and utter speculation based on bullshit data and inconclusive assumptions.

Vandal shows Superman a future where the Earth is safe because weak people have been turned into slaves while the strong rule and defend the world. It's a great place! Then Vandal shows Superman a future where he continued to protect everybody and that world is an awful, barren dead place. Of course the two versions of the future are like that! Vandal wants what he wants so he shows Superman a future that he assures Superman will come to pass if Superman helps him. This is Vandal's plan? Prey on Superman's need to keep his adoptive world safe by feeding him absolutely transparent lies? I think Vandal should have stuck to punching things.

Vandal learned this trick from spending all those years with Madame Xanadu. Tell people lies about future dangers and they'll do anything you want them to to save the world!

Vandal ends the simulation and asks Superman to make his choice: work with Vandal to create a paradise on Earth (for some) or try to stop Vandal so that Earth can remain the mediocre toilet it currently is (for everybody!). Superman decides to think about Pa Kent for a bit to help him make his decision.

I guess up until this moment, Superman had forgotten this conversation because he seems to live by the theory that punching solves everything.

At the end here, across these last few chapters, this story really seems to be playing up the idea that Superman isn't supposed to solve problems with violence. And yet, that's all he does. Constantly. I suppose if DC tells the readers that that isn't true enough times (starting now), the fans will eventually believe it. Because it was true every now and again, depending on who was writing the character.

Superman decides to not join Vandal. Now he finally gets the bright idea to get rid of the comet. Fucking dick. I told you to deal with that earlier! How nobody told Hal Jordan to fling that fucking thing into the sun when they realized it's what Vandal was after, I'll never know. I mean, I guess I do know. Because that would have ended the story anticlimactically. Now the story ends with Puzzler betraying Vandal because Superman reaches out and finds the humanity in Puzzler. I know normally I would be calling for that kind of ending but I was really hoping Superman would have just punched him.

The comet is destroyed in a tug of war between Superman, Puzzler, and Vandal. Everybody is flung back to Earth where they all celebrate because Superman's hair somehow grew out during this issue and he now has his spit curl back. Hooray!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #27

From what I've heard about Ben Affleck, this cover should have him coming up behind Henry Cavill and putting his balls on his neck.

Rating: No change.

I like these special Batman Loves Superman: Dawn of Just Us covers because they come with special inserts on which you can draw your own cover! So maybe I'll draw the Ben's balls thing later. I have to schedule enough time to also masturbate while drawing it because it's definitely going to make me horny.

So at the end of Action Comics #50, Superman got his powers back. He didn't just get his powers back though! No, he was killed and returned to life just like a proper savior should be! I guess technically he was never quite dead but he had given up on living as he fell into the Fortress of Solitude. And the title of the story was "Resurrection" just in case anybody missed the whole Christ analogy. Not that there was much of one. Although I have to wonder at the decision to give a story a name which spoils the ending of the story. Comic books love doing that and then they place the title and the credits after the story so as not to decrease the impact of the ending. My thought would be to maybe name the story something else. It's like asking somebody if they've heard a joke and describing the joke with the punch line.

You know what? I don't know why I ever think anybody in the comic book industry thinks anything through completely. Why do I even bother pondering any of their decisions?

Last issue, Vandal Savage made it explicit that villains and heroes should have plans rather than relying on punching everything. So this issue begins with his son doing this:

If you really wanted to make your father proud, Tiny-head Savage, you'd be sitting at a library desk with a nice desk lamp lighting up your legal pad full of ideas to bring down Superman. Although the librarian might take umbrage with you screaming "For father!" in the library.

Wonder Woman's plan to combat this oaf is the same thing she asks of Superman during fuck sessions: "fast and furious." Great advice, Diana! I mean, in the bedroom, spot on. You say "fast and furious" and I know to pull a hamstring pounding you into the recliner from behind. But when you pull out that command in a punch-off, don't you think Superman's going to get a little confused? And I'm fairly certain it's a bit difficult to fight while concealing a boner. Especially when you're wearing Kryptonian Lycra.

The title of this story is "Slam Bang" which only has me even more confused and erect. Shouldn't Tomasi have saved the title for the last page because now the whole issue is spoiled! Well, almost spoiled. Definitely one of two things is about to happen and I'm hoping it's not a fist fight with Vandal Savage's children.

Here's Clark's reaction to Wonder Woman's advice:

Batman was right in Action Comics #50. It's a good thing you have friends, Superman, because your plans are shit.

The first nine pages of this issue are nearly all splash pages. Technically they aren't but fuck technically. This is just a big ass brawl. It's a good thing Superman got his powers back since this is the only method of conflict resolution he's capable of.

By the way, Hal Jordan is along to help. Why wasn't he here earlier to stop the comet? Vandal's whole thirty thousand year old plan would have went to shit in twenty seconds! It's possible Hal was also captured with the rest of the Justice League even if that makes no sense because he hasn't really been a part of the League for years now.

During the brawl, Vandal Savage straps on an improvised jet pack and flies off to become Super Vandal Savage by visiting his comet. I suppose that's for the battle that will take place in Superman #50. I hope Vandal has a better plan than "get super powerful and punch Superman to death" because I may have to call him a hypocrite if that happens. Or an unthinking plebe? How about a run-of-the-mill American?

Superman flies after Vandal while Vandal's kids all explode. Whoops! Maybe Vandal should have stuck around to make sure his kids survived being irradiated by the comet. But Superman will save him! I mean beat him! I mean save him! I mean...well shit. I don't know what I mean. I think there will be a lot of punching though.

I'm obsessed with the amount of punching in Superman comic books now! I mean, I've been obsessed with it for a long time. I'm constantly pointing out how Superman stories have basically become a huge physical threat attacks and punches Superman. Superman says something like "I actually felt that!" so that readers know how strong the threat is. Then Superman punches the threat into submission anyway. Afterward he waits for the next biggest physical threat to ever threaten the galaxy to attack. I guess if, taking into account all space and time, it's an infinite universe then that means there are infinite threats each stronger than the last! Superman isn't the strongest person in the universe at all! He's just got more heart! That reminds me. I hope he gave Metallo his Kryptonite heart back.

This issue ends with Superman and Vandal punching each other in space while Vandal's comet crashes down around them. So next issue? Superman punches Vandal Savage into submission! And if that plan fails, don't worry! Because he's got friends!

Action Comics #50

I got the special Ruin the Original Cover With Adverts Variant!

Action Comics #50 Rating: No change.

Twitter would be better if it didn't allow people to comment on other people's tweets. Fully 95% of people should just stop having opinions because their opinions are boring, uninteresting, and poorly thought out. Most Reply Jokes on Twitter are just people restating the original joke in an unsubtle way and thinking that they're fucking hilarious. But I guess replying to people is the entire point of Twitter anyway. Nobody really fucking cares what anybody else has to say anyway. They just want a forum to spew their narcissistic thoughts to the other narcissists who aren't listening anyway. We know this is true because anybody who follows more than around fifty people can't be paying any attention to what the people they're following are tweeting. People who follow hundreds or thousands of other people on Twitter may as well be following nobody because their Twitter feed is now just white noise from the thousands of posts scrolling through their feed every minute.

Tumblr would be better if most of the people using Tumblr didn't exist. Fully 95% of the people on Tumblr are cats willingly walking into a room full of people in rocking chairs trying to get their tails under one of the rails so they can scream and hiss at the person having a lovely day rocking. They're people desperate to have a condition in the DSM to use as armor against any kind of criticism while at the same time moaning about how the DSM has now labeled their cognitive state as a disorder. They're kids rushing toward androgyny so that they can spit in the face of anybody who honestly misgenders them with no malice intended. They're a generation who seem to believe the greatest power they can wield is crushing free speech by ridiculing those who actually understand why it's important. You guys, they literally believe the word literally makes everything literally more literal.

Facebook would be better if it just didn't exist. Do I really need to know how many of my relatives are mean-spirited racist assholes or easily hurt downers with a mental state more fragile than their collection of crystal unicorns? How many hours of inner contemplation and self-betterment are lost to shitty games with Saga or Ville in the title? A little piece of my metaphorical soul dies every time I see any "news" story on the Trending Sidebar. And what is Facebook really used for anyway? It's pretty much just Birth Announcements and Pet Obituaries.

Blogs would be better if the people running the blogs stopped writing them as if they're speaking to an audience. Because--let's face the horribly unjust facts of my life--nobody is reading anything on the internet unless it's so they can reply with their own opinions on the topic of the blog. Nobody is entertained by other people's thoughts anymore. They just want a forum to spew forth their unwanted and probably unwashed opinions. Which is why I'm going to stop offering any and all opinions on everything. Because nobody fucking gives a shit. They just look at the title of the post and scroll down to the Comments section where they can tell me what they thought of the comic in the title. One of first people who began commenting on my blog eventually became somebody that I was glad to see commenting and with whom I eventually enjoyed interacting. But when he first began commenting? I was fucking annoyed with him! He began by simply posting his own reviews of the comic books in the comments section! I'd rather have people swinging by calling me "Lead Twat" and then getting super pissed off at me for "personal attacks" when I shot back at them and called them a dum-dum! But that's part of the problem as well! People who do actually react to my "reviews" might take them personally and then personally attack me in the comments because they feel justified. So they tend to think I fired the first shot when I can hardly even remember what stupid shit I typed the day after I typed it!

None of this has anything to do with Action Comics. But then, most of what I've written in my "comic book reviews" has very little to do with the actual comic! If you want a real review, there are plenty of shit people writing dishonest reviews because they're so afraid of pissing off any of the creators they may have once met at a con and now think of as a personal friend. Here's a quote from the Weird Science blog's Telos #6 Review to show I did the least amount of research as possible to back up my point: "I hate saying all of this because Jeff King could possibly be the nicest dude in the world and if not the nicest, he's definitely in the running......... I just don't like this series." Why does that guy use so many periods? Doesn't he know there are kids in Africa who can't end their sentences without sounding too excited or unsure because of his waste?

Regarding that last paragraph, I suppose that wasn't a dishonest review. But you can see the writer's trepidation in voicing an honest opinion because he didn't want to hurt Jeff King's feelings. Look, Eric (I think that was his name)! Don't worry about hurting a creator's feelings! They received a nice paycheck to compensate them for the amount of internet shit they're going to get over every single stupid thing they write. You know why I don't mind calling Scott Lobdell the poster child for the dangers of unsafe sex? Because he's fucking swimming in X-men cash! He doesn't give a shit what I have to say because he's got the greatest shield in the world: scads and scads of money! If he really cared about criticism, he'd stop writing garbage, right?! The only writing he really fucking seems to care about is when he's endorsing his checks at the bank. And even then, I bet his signature is mostly a line. Wait! I can actually verify that! Let me see. Where is the Big Book of First Issues he unwittingly signed for me as I stood there thinking, "You write shit, mate." Oh! Here it is beside me. Let me have a look . . . yep. Mostly a line. He can't even be bothered with his own name!

All of this is to say nothing because here I am writing a blog on the internet, posting on Tumblr, linking it to Twitter, and, occasionally, sending it over to Facebook so my friends and family can think, "What the fuck is this asshole doing with his life?" Here are my shit opinions on what is primarily shit pop culture, internet! Suck it!

A lot of the worst New 52/DC You material has just been ideas cobbled from Young Justice episodes but done much worse.

It's not that Young Justice didn't take ideas from pre-existing DC Comic book stories as well. It's just that they incorporated previous DC History into a show that took the DC Universe in its own direction (you know, an interesting one). So they took the Glorious Godfrey idea of turning the masses against the heroes and they took the whole metagene Bloodlines thing and they threw them in the Young Justice slow cooker as part of the big story. But I can't help feeling that this whole House of Dawn thing is a bit too reminiscent of Young Justice: Invasion where Vandal Savage and a host of other baddies created a secret society to turn a bunch of humans into superbeings whom they could control in an effort to take over the world. The bad guys even have a similar name for the group since in the cartoon it's The Light and here it's Dawn Command. Or Savage Dawn. Or Dawn of the Dum-Dums.

Luckily for those people who haven't been writing a blog about comic books to help them remember everything that has been going on in every monthly title DC puts out, Vandal Savage recounts the events of the Superman titles across the last year. He doesn't tie them together as neatly as he should because they don't really tie together that neatly. When all the events are mentioned quickly in the space of a couple of pages though, it sounds sort of like he had a plan that made sense. The gist of it is that Superman lost his powers and Vandal Savage drained them. With the power he stole from Superman that he could have just taken directly from the sun and in bigger quantities although that story would have been boring shit, Vandal has merged the JLA Watchtower with the Fortress of Solitude with The Eye of the Storm to create a comet magnet. Now he's going to capture the comet that gave him his powers so that he can have more power than even the power he stole from Superman or could have taken directly from the sun. And he's captured the entire Justice League so nobody can stop him now!

I mean, Superman will probably stop him. But probably not in this issue. That will probably happen in Superman #50.

Just fucking use solar power already! Stop bothering with the negligible amount of energy in Lex Luthor's fat cells. He got all of that energy from the sun to begin with!

I've never understood power as the motivation for being an evil villain. Why would anybody want to bother? Vandal Savage is immortal and has the resources to live any kind of unfettered life he'd like to live. But he'd rather spend his time causing all of this drama? I guess the power of the comet is like super-heroin.

Meanwhile, Superman is now powered by Kryptonite. It's a comic book so it doesn't have to make sense. All a comic book has to do is present an idea while raising its eyebrows and going, "Hunh? Hunh? Never thought of that before, did you?!" The idea this time is "What if Superman used Kryptonite as chemotherapy?!?!?!?!?!" I had to add all of the extra punctuation because that's how I imagine the idea was presented at the yearly "What the fuck kind of stupid ass stories are we going to put Superman in this year?" corporate board meeting.

Vandal Savage shoots Superman out of the sky while Kal is using his new Kryptonite Flight Power which works differently than his Yellow Sun Flight Power.

Batman finishes the "more importantly" statement with "he always has friends" and I sprain my wrist doing a jerking off motion.

So basically Superman's plan is to have friends. Is that really a solid plan? I currently have a friend on Facebook asking her friends for help moving and apparently nobody is responding because she sent out the second message after the plea for help which is always the "shame on you all for not helping me" message. I bet that really got everybody running to the door to help out! I suppose I could have volunteered to help but my plan is not to have friends. My plan is to do everything myself and only interact with other people when I absolutely have to.

Yeah because that would have been a dick thing to say! "Hey, friends! You're my back-up plan! But know this: there's no chance you're going to be able to do anything if me and the Justice League couldn't! Pathetic B-List losers!"

Superman's plan to have friends means he has to save his friends. So that might be a bit of a flaw in his plan. It's why he had a secret identity! So his friends don't get in the way of his plans! But now Vandal Savage has to punch Superman a whole bunch of times because Vandal's plan is to distract Superman with punches until the next part of the plan takes place. The next part is when the comet is close enough to Earth to turn all of Savage's offspring into super assholes.

All of Superman's friends ask themselves, "What would Superman do?" And the answer to that is "throw his life away by relying on friends instead of making plans." So they all stick around Metropolis as the Eye of the Storm begins crashing into it. If I were one of Superman's friends, I'd ask myself, "Which one of us can stop that fucking comet since that's Vandal's main plan? Shouldn't Green Lantern be stopping it or something instead of just battling Vandal on his ship? I mean, if you stop the comet, you stop his plans. So, um, you know. Someone? Zatanna maybe? She can say "Comet be gone!" backwards, right?"

Vandal begins to show compassion for his children this issue because it mirrors Superman's feelings for his friends. But Vandal is just using them for his own ends while Superman . . . well, Superman is technically using his friends for his own ends too. Except his ends aren't selfish so it's okay to manipulate people towards his goals. I mean, not that he's manipulating them! He's, um, inspiring them! Inspiring them to be great enough to throw their lives away! If I were Jimmy Olsen, I would be inspired to call Green Lantern to stop that comet.

Vandal sends his children on a shuttle towards the comet to see if he'll survive close proximity to it. He and Superman are also on the shuttle. I mean, they're literally on the shuttle and not in it like the passengers are. Vandal shoots Superman and kills him while Vandal hops off the shuttle to land on the ground in a broken, immortal heap. I'm sure he'll be fine by Superman #50. Superman, meanwhile, falls into the Fortress of Solitude which finally recognizes him and restores him to greatness. So that's all he needed to get his powers back? Find somebody who could lift that stupid oversized key to unlock the Fortress and let him in?

Now that Superman has his powers back, he doesn't need his friends because he can just punch his way through all of his problems. And now that Vandal's children have become super children thanks to the comet, their plan is to punch their way through the problem (which is Superman). So even with all the talk of needing plans to win, it's all going to come down to a slugfest anyway. Oh comic books. Don't ever change. And by that I mean change. Fucking just change already. I'm tired of your shit.

The New Titans #64 (March 1990)

After being completely overpowered by the shapeshifting wanna-be Egyptian God people, the Titans redouble their efforts and show some heart and explain how they never give up which allows them to win the day! Also Kory kills the lead shapeshifter but it’s okay this time because Deathstork said so. He said, “The only way to beat these monsters is to kill them.” And the Teen Titans went, “Oh, um, okay! I mean, we don’t kill usually but if Deathstork said so, who are we to argue with one of our biggest fremeses?!”

So I guess the Teen Titans save the world from becoming slaves to the Werepeople. Somehow. The story was a bit unbalanced so Marv and Tom didn’t spend a lot of time explaining how the Titans won or what they did with the Wereonepercenters they defeated. I think Marv was writing the script when he suddenly realized he only had three pages left to end the story and he wrapped it up the best he could in that space.

Other than the ending and the motivations of the bad guy and the killing because Deathstork said it was okay, it was a pretty decent story!

Constantine the Hellblazer #10

John winds up in Faerie and is about to get really, really laid.

Rating: No change.

Spoiler: John doesn't get laid. He doesn't take the Faerie bait which means he doesn't fuck himself silly while visiting the one realm in the DC Youniverse where even comic book fans can get some. After having sex in Faerie, you probably wind up something's dinner but banging a Fairy is probably worth dying immediately after.

Constantine winds up back in New York where his adventure started but now he not only has Lord Neron after him but probably Lady Alexandriel the Pixie as well.

Constantine breaks up with Oliver because friends of John always die and John is beginning to feel bad that by dating Oliver, Oliver's kids are going to wind up without a father figure. But Oliver won't take "It's not me, it's you" lying down. He hires a demonic babysitter and hits the town to find John and get him back. He doesn't purposefully hire a demonic babysitter! It's just that Craigslist doesn't really vet the people who put up advertisements for their services, so you get what you get. Usually when you want a used couch or a one-night romantic encounter involving scrambled eggs, things work out as planned. But occasionally you'll encounter an asshole who isn't being totally honest about their resume or the amount of miles on the Jeep they're selling.