Titans Hunt #2

Let him go! Bismillah! We will not let him go! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Oh mamma mia, mamma mia! Mamma mia let me go!

Last night I found the Christmas music channel while driving around for work because I enjoy Christmas music for a limited amount of time. The radio station seems to have a better rotation than most radio stations because even though songs are often repeated, at least they're different versions of the songs. A version of "Here Comes Santa Claus" played last night and the ending really disturbed me: "Hang your stockings and say your prayers cause Santa Clause comes tonight!" Why am I saying my prayers? What the fuck is that old bastard about to do to me?! Is that why I drop into a fetal position whenever I hear sleigh bells?! They also played the Peanuts version of "O Tannenbaum" which might represent perfectly the way I always feel around Christmas. I would go into greater detail but didn't you just see it represents the way I feel "perfectly" so adding more words to explain it would mean that I was lying and the song wasn't a perfect representation at all.

My favorite Christmas movies is About A Boy which I must remember to watch this year so I can continue to tell people that it's my favorite Christmas movie. Some people think it's a lousy pick for a Christmas movie because it doesn't bash you in the face with Santa Claus but it's just as Christmassy as It's a Wonderful Life and jerks choose that as their favorite Christmas movie constantly without getting any side-eye. If too cool for everything guys can pick Die Hard as their favorite Christmas movie then I can pick one where the main character gets to live a life of luxury because of a hit Christmas song. Also, I love the way it opens with the Who Wants to Be a Millionaire question asking "Who said that no man is an island?" Hugh Grant answers "Bon Jovi, of course." And he's right. Bon Jovi did say it in one of the songs I think of as one of my life's theme songs: "Santa Fe."

Anyway, Roy Harper is currently driving while guzzling whisky because he's an asshole. I'm fairly certain that with this depiction of him, I can stop wondering why I never liked him and begin wondering why anybody at all does. I have no sympathy for people driving drunk and even less for people defending their actions because alcoholism is a disease. First off, the reason we have such a problem with drunk driving in this country is because the penalty is always a slap on the wrist unless somebody is killed because of it. Nobody in power is willing to attach hard time to the crime because they all fucking do it themselves. Every person arrested for drunk driving should be slapped with an attempted murder charge as well. Second off, not having enough willpower to not engage in risky and self-harming behavior is not a disease. It's a character flaw. My father is a recovering alcoholic and I've been to plenty of AA Meetings over the years. Yeah, sure, it works (if you work it!). But I can't imagine it works for everybody because recovery through AA is an extroverted way of solving the problem. AA Meetings simply become the new bar where everybody hangs out and supports themselves. Alcoholics who make it to AA are generally needy people. I imagine introverted alcoholics have the decency to just rot away and die in a dark room without bothering anybody. I've never taken a poll but I would guess the majority of people recovering through Alcoholics Anonymous own dogs. Fucking "addictive behavior" is just saying "fuck it!" because you really don't give a shit about the consequences of something you love to do. Recovering from your "disease" is finally accepting responsibility for your actions and deciding to be a fucking adult about it.

We really tiptoe around a lot of shit in this country, don't we? Fuck this "I'd rather be nice than smart" movement used to passive-aggressively insult smart people. I'd rather be honest than nice! Although, seriously, nobody has to choose between "nice" and "everything else." Stop thinking nice trumps everything, you stupid assholes. Being nice is definitely something people should strive to be but not at the cost of lying about reality and letting all of the weak-willed monsters dictate the conversation by screaming that they engage in bad behavior because they're sick. Hey, I'm sick too! I'm sick of all of the idiots bemoaning their lots in life! Buck up, motherfuckers! Walk it off! I mean, "I'd rather be nice than selfish!"

Roy Harper sees somebody fly by the windshield of his truck and then reacts poorly. Maybe because he's been drinking and maybe simply because he's Roy Harper.

One minor slap on the wrist coming up!

I don't mean to say people can't bitch and moan and complain about their lives. What the fuck do I spend 95% of my time on the internet doing?! I'm just saying that the world has so many problems that I don't have time to sympathize with people creating their own problems for themselves. In that panel above, Roy fucking did all of that shit to himself and now he's endangering lives by being drunk with a bow and arrow which could spook the cops into murdering everything. He brought that problem on himself. If the above panel were just a black male with a bow simply on the seat next to him being pulled over by these cops, he'd probably be dead by now. That's a serious problem with the world that everybody can complain about all they want because other people need to change to fix it. You know, while they complain about other stuff that hardly matters as well, if they want. I don't think anybody needs to complain that nobody is complaining about the right stuff. Complain about whatever you want! Just don't expect everybody to care if the source of and the solution to the shit you're complaining about is you.

Richard Grayson is currently in the Batcave. He's also hunting for something. The hunting theme is going to be strong in this comic book! Because after Roy hunting for something and Dick hunting for Atlanteans, the next scene begins with Gnaark's omniscient narrator mentioning how he has to know when to go out and hunt. There's also not arguing with fate. But if you argue with fate, weren't you fated to argue with fate? If we're going to embrace the concept of fate then we have to assume that everything that happens was fated to happen. Thus nobody can deny fate because even the denying of fate was fated to fate. Therefore the concept of fate is useless and should never even be brought up.

This is the ninth time in eight pages (not counting the cover!) where the word "hunt" or a form of the word was used. And that's ignoring all the synonyms!

Back in the Batcave, Alfred has decided that the hunting theme can't be played out yet because this comic book still has ten and a half more issues to go. So he begins to tell Dick about how prehistoric hunters thought about hunting because that's something that cave paintings must be about. Alfred figures the knowledge can help Dick use the Batcomputer more efficiently.

Are anthropologists this good at their job that they can reach these kinds of conclusions about how preliterate cultures prepared for a hunt?

Roy Harper has decided that he doesn't want to be arrested by the police for drinking and driving. And since he's a superhero, he has the ability to beat the cops down and escape. I never thought I could dislike Roy Harper more than when he's written by Scott Lobdell but Dan Abnett has changed my mind. That's not a criticism of Dan Abnett! I don't think. I mean, I'd have to get inside of his head the way Alfred has gotten inside the head of prehistoric hunters to know what Abnett is trying to do. He just seems to be writing Roy Harper as a guy who makes mistakes with which I cannot sympathize. He's acting as horribly as Red Robin in Teen Titans when he decided to go on the run with Superboy simply because he believed Superboy didn't murder anybody so why let the actual law deal with it?

Thankfully, Roy Harper gets tazed. But now he's not only driven drunk, he's also assaulted cops and resisted arrest (really resisted arrest! Not that fake bullshit "resisted arrest" which cops use simply to arrest anybody they don't like the look of). So he's in big trouble! Unless that thing that flew past his windshield decides to beat up the cops to save him. And then Roy can be in big trouble and on the run!

There's a scene with Mal and Bumblebee which almost made me rant again but Malcolm cuts the rant off before it can even begin. See, he starts saying how "the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly" which I'm so fucking tired of hearing nice people talk about because they're too fucking lazy to actually understand anything scientific. But he cuts himself off immediately by saying that it's a myth and I breathe a sigh of relief and my heart wipes its brow and my blood pressure lies back in bed and my asshole unpuckers. Probably. I don't actually have any proof of any of that but especially of the butthole thing.

Dick Grayson heads to the beach to fish for Atlanteans. He gets a bite and winds up battling Garth on the beach. Luckily Donna Troy arrives to make things worse. Lucky for Dick! Because Garth was about to murder and eat him.

Titans Hunt #2 Rating: No change. It's not like I should have expected anything different from a Teen Titans comic book. It's always all about the team. It's all about their fucked up lives and incestual relationships within the group. It's always about their mistakes and how they fix their mistakes and how they completely ignore everything in the world that doesn't begin and end with one of them. It's always about their nemeses who want nothing more than to destroy the Titans and so the Titans are always just fighting for their lives and hardly ever fighting to make the world a better place. It's always simply about themselves. Just like every other fucking teenager that ever lived! Unlike Batman and Superman who are adults and they're always fighting enemies who are trying to get revenge on them for constantly putting them in jail and...well, those were bad examples of adults. Adults usually fight to make the world a better place for themselves. So that's...um...different? I think? Hmm. Can I start over before I have to apologize to teenagers?

New Suicide Squad #14

Doesn't this look like a wacky road trip of fun?

Last issue ended with Vic Sage pushed the buttons to blow up the heads of all of the Suicide Squad members. It doesn't really matter though because this cover is assuring me that nobody's head exploded. Not that I expected anybody's head to actually explode! This is the New Suicide Squad, after all. And the main thing that differentiates The New Suicide Squad from the previous incarnations of the Suicide Squad is that nobody dies in this one. It's been fourteen issues and the only corpses the team has to show for their suicidal efforts are a few dozen Man-Bats. And those aren't anything special. Everybody has a few of those lying around. Sure, they also lost Reverse-Flash but he just traveled back in time. That's not even a speed bump to somebody linked to the Speed Force.

I'm pretty sure you're going to have to explain it to somebody!

Vic Sage decides to explain his actions a little bit to Bonnie. He points out that Waller has gone rogue and he doesn't want her using Task Force X assets to help her with whatever she plans on doing. She's probably planning on ruining Sage and destroying his relationship with Corvus Corp. Also she probably plans on simply destroying Corvus Corp because it's probably full of murderers. Why else would they choose the name Corvus?

Waller rallies her troops and tells them about how Vic Sage should be the first person to die in this comic book. He has been kind of useless. The only reason the Squad needs two people to lead it is so that one of them could wind up being a traitor. I hope I predicted that in an earlier issue. I probably did. No need to fact check that. If I just write a few more sentences that don't really say anything but distract me long enough, I'll simply remember the statement that "I hope I predicted that" as "I totally fucking predicted that." Boom. Done! I'm a genius.

Part of Waller's speech to her team involves mentioning that she disengaged the neck bombs before the mission. The Squad reacts predictably.

They all have long distance weapons. Why the fuck are they charging her?! No, no! I already know the answer to that! Fuck you, and/or comic books!

Boomerang is supposed to be a master of the boomerang and yet he gets close enough to Waller to get kicked in the chin. He's an idiot.

Here's a question that I may have asked before: why have a character whose prime ability is to throw boomerangs when he creates them out of thin air and never has to worry about them returning to him? Isn't that the main appeal of a boomerang?! I've seen nerdy kids in the park throwing them around and they never have more than one. Who needs the thing to come back if you can simply create as many as you want? Come to think of it, Batman's rarely come back either. I guess they both just use them because they're easily controlled projectiles which you can aim at anything anywhere without having to rely on a straight line of attack. Although that brings me back to my first criticism: why is Boomer getting so fucking close to battle Waller?! He's an idiot.

Of course they're a crutch! They keep him at a distance and out of danger! He shouldn't even be in hand-to-hand combat!

Lawton takes down Amanda as Amanda is kicking Harley's ass. After that, the three of them kick the shit out of her for a bit before Lawton threatens to blow Amanda's head off. That's when Amanda finally decides to let the Squad in on her little secret. Although even seconds before her brain eats a bullet, she's still acting coy and refusing to get to the point. How badly does she not want to save her own life?! I don't know if she's stupid or brave but I do know that the first thing I would have screamed when the Squad began jumping over pews to kick my face in is "IF I DIE THE BOMBS IN YOUR NECK WILL EXPLODE!" I wouldn't say I'm a coward. I'd say I'm a survivor at any cost who long ago cut out the word "dignity" from my dictionary.

Waller tells the Squad that if they help her bring down Vic Sage, she'll let them go free. I guess at that point, Harley Quinn will finally be able to star in her own monthly comic and her own bimonthly comic and a whole shitload of one shots and a mini-series to boot. Up until now, she hasn't had the time because she's been incarcerated in Belle Reve. I think.

Back at Belle Reve, Vic Sage realizes he needs some muscle on his side. Bonnie probably won't help him because she's probably working for Checkmate. So he finds an inmate who hates Amanda Waller enough to help him out: Black Manta. Is that the only thing Black Manta lives for? Vengeance on a few very particular people? He can't define himself except through his hatred of other people? Seriously, he hasn't pursued his own interests since Aquaman killed his father. Every decision has been based on Aquaman. I guess at least now he has a choice again. Does he try to kill Aquaman or Amanda? Ugh. People actually like this guy? I hate Black Manta simply because that oversized helmet on a usually too long neck completely freaks me the fuck out.

New Suicide Squad #14 Rating: No change. Still nobody died! What the fuck, Suicide Squad? Why are you fucking teasing me like this?! Fourteen issues plus an annual and this book has yet to kill anybody on the team! What pisses me off the most is that every issue begins with the introduction that states "Officially, they are called Task Force X. Unofficially, they have a more accurate name...Suicide Squad." It isn't accurate at all! Is there a dictionary in the offices at DC? I want somebody to go pick up that dictionary and look up the word "suicide"! Also look up the word "boomerang" because I don't think they understand what one is or how it works. Most of the time when you use the boomerang as a weapon, you don't charge the kangaroo, get right in its face, and hurl the boomerang as hard as you can so you inevitably completely miss while also getting kicked in the junk by the kangaroo. At least I don't think that's how you use one. The only boomerang I've ever thrown was one of those nerf ones that doesn't actually look like a boomerang but it still comes back when you throw it. Unless you threw it right at your sister's face and then it never comes back because your stupid mom locks it away in a drawer.

Earth 2: Society #6

Calling Anarky "evil" seems a bit over the top. She just has a different opinion on how life should be lived. One with which I don't completely disagree.

I'm pretty sure the Anarky of Earth-Too is female no matter how non-female the Anarky on the cover looks. But then, it's not Anarky's responsibility to proclaim her gender through appearance. Although if she's the kind of person who gets offended when somebody misgenders her by using the wrong pronoun then she can just completely fuck off. Sometimes people don't use the correct pronoun. Who can blame anybody when everybody is trying to look as androgynous as possible! You'd think being accidentally misgendered would be a fucking compliment nowadays! And it's really strange that the most important piece of information on a person's Tumblr is their pronouns yet they risk going out into public without a button or pin stuck to their chest informing everyone they meet of this fact. Although I did once see one young person with a "He/His" button on his backpack that enabled me to type this sentence with the utmost confidence that he wanted to be called he within it.

Look, young people. We know it's cool and trendy to be all-the-sexuals or none-of-the-sexuals but definitely not the regular-old-vanilla-sexuals. And it's hip and groovy to be all-the-genders or none-of-the-genders or some-new-genders-that-haven't-been-thought-up-yet because it makes you interesting and cutting edge and not your parents. Fine. Whatever. Go to town! But don't think you're any different than every other generation of young people all striving to be cool and trendy in whatever was cool and trendy for the time. Also stay off my fucking lawn. If I wanted it to be full of glitter and squees, I'd let strippers wrestle on it.

The worst thing about youth is that it's a standing wave. There are always young people who think they're the first people to ever be young. They're the first people to ever think of an idea. They're the first people who really want to change the world. They're the first people whose parents don't understand them. It's a constant equation. But it's a constant equation with constantly changing variables which quickly don't include you. As you move away from it, you see how it never really changes in any substantive manner. The youths currently in the wave think they're rocking the fucking world. But just wait. The further and further you move from it, the more times you see the faces and style of that wave change but nothing that really matters. And then you just get tired of hearing how the youth know better than everybody else as they point out everything that's already been said and done before.

Tonight I just watched a very special Christmas episode of The Love Boat from around 1986. Peter Scolari (Commissioner Loeb from Gotham for the kids) mentions how when he was younger, his sister had a story book about a princess who went around saving princes and knights in distress. See, Youths? You didn't think of that. That's not your revolutionary idea. Although it would be something you'd be amazed to hear, turn into a gif set, and then proclaim, "Guys! This was in 1986!" As if everybody in the 20th Century was just dripping in cholera as they waded through streets full of feces decrying anybody who would stand against the Patriarchy. Of course it wasn't like that! There were packs of rabid stray dogs everywhere as well.

I'm glad I'm behind a paywall now so I don't have to listen to youths screech at me for opinions they might remember when they eventually hit forty and think to themselves, "Oh yeah. Got it."

Last issue, Batdick, The Flash, and Superman saved Neotropolis from being crushed by the Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-5, Commander Sato's ship. They realized that the villain behind it was The Newest God Jim Olsen who now calls himself Doctor Impossible so I can stop typing the awkward phrase "The Newest God." They've gone to stop him in his home: the evil city of Erebus which you can tell is evil because it was named Erebus. Doctor Impossible isn't the subtlest guy on the block. But luckily all of the heroes have been caught up in a lot of drama over the past year, so nobody had the passing thought, "Erebus? Really? What the fuck might be going on over there?!"

Doctor Impossible has a few teammates. Johnny Sorrow. Anarky. And a new guy who isn't really new but has yet another new version of himself.

Instead of being a drug addict who gets sort of strong for an hour after taking a pill, the new Hourman becomes a god for an hour after sacrificing a goat.

No, I was wrong. Hourman's just another junkie hopped up on Miraclo.

Doctor Impossible uses Hourman to distract the super friends while he gets away to go see "an old friend." That's when the story flashes back to the origin of Earth-Too Hourman. He's basically the son of the original Hourman, Rex Tyler. So this is the Infinity Inc. Rick Tyler Son of Hourman Hourman.

After the flashback is over, Doctor Impossible visits with Helena Wayne to recruit her to his side. He just wants Earth-2 back instead of having to live on Green Lantern's Earth-Too. So the "evil" side simply wants to try to rebuild their planet at the cost of destroying the Earth-Too created out of the head of Green Lantern. How about they compromise and give Doctor Impossible and his group the evil bottom half of Earth-Too while everybody else can remain on the good top half! I'm sure Green Lantern can move all life into the Northern Hemisphere and then build a big green wall around the equator so that the Southern Hemisphere can be terraformed. It totally sounds like the kind of thing that happens in comic books all of the time! It's certainly no worse an idea than Gotham's Underground!

Earth 2: Society #6 Rating: No change. Hey! Guess what has been a bad idea in this comic book before and continues to be a bad idea? Setting Huntress and Power Girl against each other! Because who doesn't have just the worst memories of their friendship in Worlds' Finest, right? What an awfully joyous and chipper that relationship was! Pee-yuke! So many hugs and laughs and good times! What a wretched idea! But now it's being fixed by putting them at odds against each other. Well done, comic book and writer and editor. Good show! I hate you all.

Arak! (as seen in Telos)

PERSONAL DATA
Full Name: Arak Red-Hand (Bright-Sky-After-Storm)
Occupation: Shaman
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: He-No, the Thunder God (father), Star-of-Dawn (mother)
Group Affiliation: Quontauka Indian tribe, ally of Carolus Magnus
Base of Operations: 8th Century Europe, Asia, and America
First Appearance: WARLORD #48
Height: 6' Weight: 190 lbs.
Eyes: Brown Hair: Black

HISTORY
Among the last surviving members of the Quontauka Indian tribe, Arak was taken by the Vikings to medieval Europe, where he journeyed with his captors until setting out on his own.

With his own natural strength and his powerful otomahuk, Arak battled in the defense of the court of Carolus Magnus (also known as Charlemagne) in what has become Central Europe.

Searching to return to North America, Arak was slain in battle and his spirit rose to meet He-No, the Quontauka's God of Thunder, a spirit-being who is also his father.

Resurrected on Earth, Arak is now a mystical Shaman surviving in a world only beginning to understand science [For the majority of Americans, that would seemingly be the 21st Century.].

POWERS & WEAPONS
The extent of his Shaman abilities still unknown, Arak relies principally on his keen hunter's instincts, his great strength, and his mastery over both otomahuk and sword.

Telos #2

Wait a second. I'm still reading this?!

Captain K'rot has been called in from the bench to make this comic book interesting! He must be part of the rebellion on Colu trying to overthrow Validus and Computo. Hopefully I'll remember who all of his friends are as I begin reading the comic book but it's unlikely. I was mostly drunk while reading Threshold because I had turned it into a drinking game.

Telos has decided to reenact The Odyssey because it has so many exciting chapters. There's the part with the cyclops and the part with the dog and the part with the shooting contest and the part with the sirens and the part with the Scylla and Charybdis and the part with Xena and the part with the blind man and the part with the Nemean Lion and the part with the hydra and the part with the cockatrice and the part with the kraken and the part with the Trojan War and the part where the ghost says "GET OUT!" I may have gotten some of those parts mixed up because I read every single book on myths I could get my hands on in elementary school as well as The Amityville Horror. I also read all of the Oz books and all of the Mouse and the Motorcycle books but I can tell when I'm thinking of one of those stories and not a myth. Because I just ask myself, "Now, Tess, was there a big round mechanical man in that story? Did he fall through the center of the Earth? Were there flying monkeys and evil gnome kings? Was there a mouse riding around on a toy motorcycle? Then it probably wasn't one of Hercules's twelve labors." I also read The Hobbit in elementary school because my sister checked it out of the library (who fucking knows why?! She's never been into fantasy literature at all! Come to think of it, I'm not even sure she can read!) and I saw it had pictures of monsters in it.

On the second page of this issue, Telos reveals his real identity: Arak, Son of Thunder! Ooh! Ooh! That's so fucking exciting I just pulled a bladder muscle! Is that a believable excuse for pissing myself? I wish I'd taken an anatomy class in college.

I'll talk about Arak, Son of Thunder in a Who's Who Update Special Spectacular after this since I haven't done one of those in a long time. I really should stop taking on projects only to completely forget about them because I'd rather just waste time by thinking about nonsense and naked women. When I first began doing New 52 Who's Who Updates, I had meant to keep up with all of the characters as they were reintroduced into The New 52. I sure have failed at that! At least I did most of the Villains Month characters.

Telos allows himself to become a prisoner on Colu because that seems like the best way to infiltrate Computo's fortress. Remember the prison in Lost Army #5? Remember how the cells were connected to all of the important places that could help the inmates escape? I guess Colu prisons are the same way! Once Telos is inside, he'll meet the rebels who are bad at their revolting and were caught. Then they'll devise some kind of plan that probably involves Captain K'rot digging a tunnel and missing that left turn at Albuquerque.

Telos remembers fucking his wife when he was Arak, Son of Thunder! I wish he'd remembered a different moment with less blanket.

Telos tells himself his origin story because I guess he forgot most of it until just recently so he just wanted to make sure he had it all straight. Brainiac came to steal his planet and to save his family and his people, Arak surrendered to Brainiac. He'd hoped to betray Brainiac but Brainiac wiped his memories and turned him into a much more boring character. Maybe this book should just be about Telos remembering stories from when he was Arak because his life as a shaman is more interesting than his life as Odysseus.

Captain K'rot is in prison with his partner Stealth and Captain Comet. I don't know how Captain Comet wound up here but he's like super evolved so I guess he can go wherever he wants to go. K'rot lost his ship as Telos arrived on Colu in a meteor swarm and now K'rot thinks Telos owes him a new one.

What a conveniently placed service shaft! Comic book prison architects must accept huge bribes to build their prisons so that the prisoners have access to everything they need.

The plan (which is actually a trap) goes off without a hitch except for the one hitch where Captain Comet doesn't do what he's supposed to do because he's distracted by evidence that the Psions are conducting eugenics experiments on Colu. Telos insists that they find his family before they destroy the Psions. But when Techne argues that if Psions are on Colu then his family might not exist, he relents immediately and decides to destroy the Psions first. I suppose he's smart enough to know better than to argue with a Twelfth-Level Intellect! Although he doesn't actually listen to her either because after she finds the location of the Psions, he decides to lead everybody back to Brainiac before going on the mission to kill the Psions. I thought Kyle Rayner killed them all but I guess the dirty little bastards are hard to wipe out.

Too bad on the way to Brainiac, Validus attacks! Validus is like a big baby that's evil and strong. I know most babies aren't strong but I think maybe the "evil" part was redundant.

Telos #2 Rating: No change. I suppose I could have raised the ranking this month because this issue was much better than the previous one which wasn't universe shattering at all. But it's still about a character I don't care about at all! Maybe I'd care a little bit more about him if I had been a fan of Warlord in the seventies and early eighties. But he gained a retinue which makes the book more interesting because a few of the characters from Threshold have found a new home. I'm much more interested in Stealth and Captain K'rot than I'll ever be in Telos. Plus Captain Comet reappears and there have to be at least a dozen people who love a good Captain Comet comic book.

Loser Army #6

This must be a Masters of the Universe crossover. Skeletor and Hordak team-up to force the Green Lanterns to disco for eternity.

I recently read some good news that this comic book has been cancelled! Is this the last issue? I hope this is the last issue. Please let this be the last issue!

This issue does not begin in a military flashback. It's possible the military flashback will come a few pages later. If not, how am I going to understand the theme? I need to know what choices John Stewart made in his past that caused him to be such a great leader! Of course all of his past choices were correct because he was in the United States Marines and those guys are all heroes doing heroic things and saving my freedom! Without them, I couldn't point out how they're not paying the cost of my freedom at all! Which actually means I can say that with or without them since a democracy's freedom isn't maintained by the military. Especially the freedom of a country that is as geographically isolated as the United States of America. If they were really fighting to keep me free, they'd just be battling Mexicans and Canadians. And if that were the case, I still wouldn't claim they were keeping me free because I'm fairly certain I could stand my ground against a bunch of Canadians and Mexicans. Okay, maybe not Mexicans. They work better together as a team and can fit way more soldiers in a car than we can.

This issue does begin with John Stewart continuing to believe that Relic's universe really did have a Peak Emotion problem which was causing the universe to die. During the speech, Simon Baz finally gets to make his first appearance since I don't know when. One of the final issues of Red Lanterns?

Pshaw! All universes are fated to die! Stop trying to manufacture drama!

I probably shouldn't ask a writer to stop manufacturing drama since that's like the writer's number one job! Sometimes they're supposed to manufacture comedy as well but that usually just comes across as manufacturing a waste of the reader's time.

John Stewart and his team have arrived on Mogo where the rest of the Green Lantern Corps are busy trying to protect the central battery from Light Pirates of every color. It's almost as if I've read this story before!

That's a lie. I've never read any of the Green Lantern Rainbow Wars stories by Geoff Johns because I just never read it and not because I had some philosophical reason for hating the idea that emotions ruled the universe even though every time any alien deals with Earthlings, they always comment on how the strength of the human race lies in their stupid fucking emotions. I guess the entire universe runs on emotions and all of the alien races are lying jerks who try to hide their constant streams of tears. Although if this whole Peak Emotion thing is actually true and using up too many emotions will eventually bring the universe to a premature end, then I absolutely understand why all the aliens everywhere would hate us. Maybe if we used logic for logic's sake, we could advance to the level of a Type 1 Civilization! Instead we mostly use logic to justify what we've already decided due to our emotional investment in something. We're just a bunch of space babies.

Simon Baz says to John Stewart, "It's about time you showed up." I hate everybody in Cullen Bunn's comic book. No effort is ever good enough for anybody. B'dg saves the day by bringing some rings and John says, "I was hoping for more rings!" B'dg saves Arisia's ass and she says, "Want to impress me? Get more rings!" And now John Stewart arrives to reinforce the Lanterns on Mogo and Baz is all, "Took your time, asshole!" I remember how Simon Baz as the thoughtful and caring Lantern who tried to get everybody to stop calling B'dg a squirrel and respectfully call him a Lantern like he deserves. But I guess now he's just a gun-wielding jerk trying pee further than everybody else.

John has already decided that everybody in the battle is a loser because the name of this comic book is Loser Army. It doesn't matter who wins because they're all using up so much energy that the universe is just rapidly being depleted of emotion. If only the Lanterns could find some kind of hope in this battle!

Why is an alien whose whole being based around math speaking in binary?! Binary is not math! It's not even really a language! It's, like, a way of counting! I hope whoever writes 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 next does a better job of it! Although she looks much cuter in blue.

The Emotional Pyramids change the emotional spectrum of anybody who comes in contact with one. It's not that big a deal until the pyramids all decide to land on Mogo at the same time. I don't think Mogo is strong enough to become a White Lantern!

Mogo doesn't become a White Lantern but he is able to control the entire emotional spectrum and drive away the Light Pirates. The Green Lanterns have won which gives John Stewart a chance to have the flashback he forgot to begin the issue with!

Thanking people in uniform has become more of an obligation which must be seen to lest you look like a right fucking bastard.

Hopefully John got a hotel room because he can't face anybody he knows right now since being in the military is a whole fucking lot more complicated than "I'm joining to protect freedom and be a hero!" I wouldn't be surprised if a huge aspect of PTSD was the conflict between what's in a returning veteran's head about what they've done and why they've done it and the way everybody views them as untarnished heroes protecting the American way of life.

With the Battle for Mogo at an end, Salaak turns his attention to discovering a way out of the universe. And now that nobody is attacking them and Mogo has super Kyle Rayner powers, Salaak easily locates a rift back to their universe in the Source Wall. But it's closed from the other side by Hal Jordan just as they prepare to enter it. Well shucks! Now they're going to have to stick around in a universe that matters less than the Earth-2 universe.

Finally, Krona decides to work with Relic to try and save Relic's universe. I guess if that happens, the DC Youniverse is kind of screwed, right? But none of that matters until January because Loser Army #6 is the final issue of this craptastrophe.

Lost Army #6 Rating: No change. Six issues later and I have no idea why this comic book was published. Did Relic's Light Pirate Universe need to be fleshed out and explored? Have the Green Lantern Corps expended all of the cosmic catastrophes possible within their own universe so they had to be sent to an earlier universe where they basically fought another rainbow war? Was the entire pitch of this book simply "The Green Lanterns find themselves in a strange place without explanation. The big surprise? They're in Relic's universe!" The response to this pitch should have been "So what's the story? Why does the story need to be told?" instead of the response I assume was given which was "*PANTS CRAPPED IN*". Ultimately, I would guess it's an attempt to fix the different color Lantern Corps so that they're not constantly battling. If all the different colors were composed of members of the original Green Lantern Corps then they would all work together. But if they ever return to their usual universe, they'll still have to deal with the other Lanterns because Twat Lobo failed to kill them all like a big failure. Maybe The Code told him to fail?

Harley Quinn #22

I feel a bit uncomfortable now. Is this comic book making light of domestic terrorism?!

I don't really care if this comic book were making light of domestic terrorism! Because making light of domestic terrorism isn't domestic terrorism. Making jokes about a clown who goes around murdering people doesn't end up with dead people everywhere. You know what else it doesn't do? It doesn't create a culture in which domestic terrorism is more likely to happen. This is true of a lot of things that people joke about that doesn't end in anybody actually being hurt. It's weird that way, you know? It's almost as if some people who feel powerless want to gain some kind of power and so they tell other people what they can and can't do because, as they explain it, what those people are doing is literally the same thing as the thing being done. People like to throw "literally" in there a lot. Mostly because they're idiots and they don't see that writing a comic book about a domestic terrorist clown doesn't literally cause terrorism. Those people also probably believe they know what propaganda is and that they would never fall for it ever.

I was using domestic terrorism as a metaphor in the previous paragraph because it's less controversial than the thing I was actually talking about.

This issue begins with Harley Quinn going on a shopping spree using Deadshot's credit card. Hey! I have a secret to tell you! I don't really like this comic book very much. Sure, it's fine. It's whimsical and cartoonish and stars one of comic book fandom's favorite characters. And I enjoy the art. But it's kind of...boring. I think I've hit my Harley Quinn threshold!

Zena Bendemova was resurrected and had her youth restored just like Deathstroke! I wonder if the first thing she'll do is look at her vadge?

The resurrection happened a week ago so that Zena can be prepared to attack Harley as soon as she gets back from Los Angeles. I'm not sure why she went to Los Angeles. I guess she still had some leftover jokes about Los Angeles that she forgot to use in her Road Trip Special.

The attack really does happen the instant she gets back! She's picked up at the airport by Zena's goons instead of by her pal Goatboy who's tied up in a closet with being tied up.

The limousine takes her to an ambush where Harley manages to kill all of Zena's thugs. It happens across four pages and not just one sentence but I don't think blow-by-blow accounts of comic book battles should make up the bulk of my commentaries. Although in one panel, you get a glimpse of a Russian woman's underwear which is super hot except that she's dead on the next page which kind of ruins the moment for me. I wish I'd masturbated before turning the page! Now if I want to wank to it (it was a really nice pair of underwear!), I'm going to feel weird and be thinking about her corpse. That might lead me down a strange path that I think I'm too old to begin walking down. Necrophilia is a young man's game! It just seems like a lot of work unless you accidentally stumble into it.

Meanwhile in prison, Mason is having a rough go since somebody put a hit out on him. Since Harley plans on putting Mason's penis in her mouth and her vagina and probably her butthole too, she's going to have to save him later. But first she has to deal with Zena Bendemova.

Now that she's back home, we can get some hilariously fresh Harley's beaver and my cock jokes!

After the Mike Cock zinger, there's a panel of a bunch of birds shitting on a guy who told a woman to get back into the kitchen. The "fap" sound effect is used liberally. Does that mean jerking off sounds like a swarm of birds shitting? I think I can see that.

Harley Quinn calls a meeting of the Harleys because she has two missions for them: save Mason and find Sy Borgman. That means the team will have to split up and also make some titty jokes and call penises "yogurt slingers" and talk about twiddling chocolate donuts which--I'm assuming!--means something hilariously gross.

Harley Quinn #22 Rating: No change. This comic book really doesn't hold my interest. It's the main reason why most of my commentaries on the Harley Quinn books are so short. I'm usually thinking about playing more Call of Duty or eating a huge slice of carrot cake or finally getting around to rewatching Wizards and Warriors for the first time since it aired on television in 1983. What I am not thinking about is how intriguing the plot of the comic book is or what themes might emerge if I looked closer at all the cock, beaver, and poop jokes. Normally I'd really be up for delving into cocks, beavers, and poop! But this comic book is skirting Giffen/DeMatteis territory. That means it's recycling the same jokes over and over again while keeping the main story as stale and predictable as possible. But I do love Chad Hardin's art!