Red Hood Loves Arsenal #1

Oh! The pitter patter of my beating boner!

This comic book might be titled "Red Hood Loves Arsenal" but I highly doubt it's going to satisfy anybody's slash fiction needs. No throbbing cocks will be entering any puckering anuses here. Jason Todd will not be guzzling Roy Harper's cum. Roman face masks will not be seen anywhere. If you're looking for that kind of 21st Century family entertainment, you won't find it written by Scott Lobdell. Although you might find some of it written by me as I write about Scott Lobdell's comic book. So, um, welcome! I'll try to write an erotic felching scene later.

Can felching be erotic?

The issue begins with Roy Harper Narration Boxing which is of greater or equal value to a death knell. Roy Harper thinks he's funny. Which is a shame because he's not funny. That's because Scott Lobdell thinks he's funny. Which is a shame because he's not funny. He's one of those guys who thinks he's being funny when people are just putting up with him and looking at their watches and hoping he has somewhere to be soon. Typing that makes me nervous because I sometimes think I'm funny and I've often seen the way people look at their wrists when I enter the room.

Which is very nearly the way 95% of all super heroes do things. Even Superman is breaking the law every time he flies through Metropolis. Probably. I mean, doesn't he need a license or air clearance or something?

Roy Harper is sitting in a desert in Arizona telling jokes to himself. Or he's telling them to the reader. But he shouldn't be talking to the reader so I'm going to assume he's explaining his own jokes to himself for some reason. It doesn't make any sense but neither does having him talk directly to the reader to explain his jokes.

See? It's funny because it's not funny at all but then he explains it which makes it funny!

Roy continues to talk to himself after which he Narration Boxes to himself. I don't know what the difference is. At one point he Narration Boxes, "When I say 'me' I mean Roy Harper." Does he often have to remind himself who he is?

The title of this issue is "Desert First, Then Dinner! Get It? Because It Takes Place In The Desert!" I very much doubt the title matters. I'm almost certain that Scott Lobdell wrote it without any knowledge of how the story was going to progress but he began it with Roy in a desert so at least it works on the shallowest of levels. And I bet later he has dinner with Tara Battleworth. No way that's a real name.

Why does he have a framed picture of the Outlaws when he's got a cell phone right in the other hand? What kid today views photos in any way except on phones?! The framed picture must be a bomb.

I'm only on the fourth page and I just threw the comic book down and yelled, "FUCK!" Will somebody please stop allowing Scott Lobdell to write young people?! There's only one thing I can't stand more than young people and that's old people trying to act like young people! See the panel above? That "me/not me" bit began the bubbling blood and the throbbing vein on the forehead. But then on the next page, Roy contacts Tara Battleworth to let her know that her covert secret desert meetup between drug dealers and a state senator probably isn't going to end as well as she'd like it to. She only gives him ten seconds to explain himself so he says (choking back vomit while typing this), "#setup. #turnaroundandgetout." Fuck you. I wouldn't have been pleased with it but at least have the letterer type out "Hashtag setup. Hashtag turnaroundandgetout." Also saying "hashtag" in front of everything isn't cute. Trigger Warning: Old Man. Hashtag fuck you all.

Tara hangs up on Roy so Roy goes back to surveillance and talking to himself. He seems really bitter about his past job as Red Hood's sidekick.

Tara Battleworth's deal with some drug runner named Palette (because he's covered in paint, I guess?) goes south which means it's time for Roy Harper to save the day! Or Red Hood because I bet Red Hood is on the other side of the deal telling jokes to himself too.

Roy Harper shoots a bunch of trick arrows into the deal gone bad and references The Name Song which is a totally timely reference I often hear used among the crowd that sorries not sorries and hashtags the brains out of each other. I know Tiny Toons brought it back but even that was over twenty years ago. Although I like that part during the song where Plucky says, "Now do me!" and everybody screams, "NO!"

Can we get back to the cover for second? I don't get why Arsenal's name is written the way it's written! Is the "A" supposed to be a bow shooting a doorstop?

Roy Harper saves the day and lectures everybody while saving it because they're stupid adults who don't know anything. He's a genius (although he's not written by one so it's really fucking hard to tell sometimes)!

Oh! Oh! I know where Red Hood is now! It was this page that gave it away!

He's disguised as Nick Lachey! I mean the senator!

One and a half pages of story and half a page of Twix ads later, the Senator sits up double fisting some pistols and blowing the poorly mixed paint out of Palette. I allowed myself to be so distracted by my hatred and anger that I almost forgot Red Hood always turns up in disguise!

It was so awesome! Red Hood as an old man was all, "BLAM BLAM BLAM EAT LEAD MOTHERFUCKER!" And Roy Harper was all, "Whoa! Cool!" And Palette was all, "I'VE BEEN BESTED BY THE TWO GREATEST HEROES IN THE WORLD!" So fucking cool!

Get! Get out of here! Fucking thirteen year old sat down and began typing on my computer while I was straining to pee! Hashtag Old Man Problems.

Jason Todd tells Roy Harper that they're working together again and Roy Harper accepts the sidekick position once again. They also get a job offer from Ms. Battleworth. That way they can not be outlaws anymore and the other adult super heroes will have to accept them!

Also they take the job! Spoiler alert! Is that what the kids say?

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #1 Rating: I suppose if I had the meager mental capacity of a thirteen year old boy, this would be a fucking awesome comic book! But I'm not so I didn't have any fun reading it. Plus I forgot to write the felching scene. I hope nobody is disappointed.

Starfire #1

Her finger is glistening because she's a filthy sex pervert.

Starfire has moved to Key West because she'll fit in with her costume that looks like a bikini and her skin that looks like a horrible spray tan. Plus it's apparently okay to masturbate in public. I should move there! I bet I've masturbated in every building I've ever been inside of! If you've invited me into your home, I probably jerked off somewhere in it. It's probably a mental issue called Jerkophilia so you can't criticize me, you unfeeling offensive jerk! I may or may not have jerked off in an empty park after dark on the way home from my job at Kentucky Fried Chicken when I was seventeen, depending on whether or not you would be completely grossed out by that revelation. It was probably the way those tight polyester pants fit across my crotch. It also could have been because I was seventeen and I thought of half a boob.

Have I primed everybody up for the sexy romp we're about to take with Starfire? Or are you all just feeling a little queasy now?

The issue begins with Starfire telling her story about how she was kept in a woman's prison with sexually depraved women convicted of womanly depravities. Boy, I wish I knew more about that kind of stuff. Maybe Lord Google's Image Search can teach me more about it! Oooh! Whoa! Interesting! Here's one of the things I learned about "womanly depravities":

Sexy! Right? I'm feeling...squooshy? No?

Starfire is telling her history to her new best friend in the whole world, Sheriff Gomez! I hope they become best friends with benefits because I wouldn't want to see Starfire have to go without health insurance.

Cute is for kittens! Starfire is erogenous!

Starfire has nothing of value that she's willing to sell except maybe a few jewels she found on the starship she stole. I don't think she can sell the ship because she crashed it on a desert island and used it as a den of depravity where she depraved Roy Harper on a constant basis. He didn't deprave her though because he wasn't very good at doing it and Starfire was too good at doing it.

Starfire sells a diamond and is all, "I do not English! It is funny, no?" And everybody is all, "No. Take off your top." But Starfire is all, "I will take off my top but only when it is my idea and when it can showcase my power and it will not be to titillate you self-diddling comic book monkey monsters. I mean, 'What is top? Do you mean my head?'"

After crying about dead old people which wasn't sexy at all, Starfire and her new best friend decide to have some beers. It's okay though because Sheriff Gomez doesn't work until later, so getting drunk won't be a problem right now. You can tell Starfire gets drunk almost immediately because she begins contracting her words. She also slips immediately into some of her perverse womanly depravity fantasies.

A woman's vagina looks like a star over a pistol?! I mean, um, that's hot! Look at that vagina! Oh yeah! Just like all of the other ones I've seen!

A fight breaks out in the bar because two men can't control their carnal lusts when Starfire speaks with them. She obviously wants to deprave them if she deigned to acknowledge their existence while also drinking beers. That's how dating works, right?! A woman says, "Hello, good sirs, how are you?" And the man says, "Do you have a condom preference?"

Yes, Kori. Please try to avoid talking with men.

After shopping for a new outfit, Starfire is shown to her new temporary housing. It's a trailer in a trailer park and it probably will be safe enough when the hurricane passes through. Her landlady is an old woman named Tina and her instant womanly depravity interest is Boone, her grandson. He's the handyman, if you get my drift. Did I have a drift? I hope that was a drift.

The scene shifts to Sheriff Gomez's brother who is part of the coast guard or something. His name is Sol which probably means he'll be depraving with Starfire any page now. Also he lost his wife in a hurricane two years ago and he hasn't been in the mood for a good depraving since, even though his coworker Raveena has been shoving her depravities in his face for months now. But I bet Starfire will have just the right combination of innocence and loads of sex that is just what all men are looking for! They all want a sexpot that has never had sex before!

The storm turns into a hurricane so Kori takes shelter with Boone and his grandmother and his grandmother's parrot. But the trailer they're sheltering in is tipped over and they hear loud noises that aren't thunder, so Starfire exits the trailer and steps into the storm where she sees...well, you'll find out what she sees next month if you know what's depraved for you. It's probably the Weather Wizard. Or the Fearsome Five.

Starfire #1 Rating: This book is about as hilarious as an episode of NCIS and as sexually titillating as an episode of Three's Company with the sophisticated gender sensibility of The Love Boat.

Harley Quinn #17

This cover is a parody of a cover that hasn't been published yet. Which will basically make the We Are Robins cover the parody.

DC Comics' new West Coast offices must have been built on an ancient Indian time anomaly. How else do you explain Superman books with notes from the editor telling readers to reference books that haven't been published yet and this cover parodying a non-existent comic book (Yes, it exists now but it didn't the week this book came out)? The ancient Indian time anomaly is probably what gave DC Comics the idea for Convergence. The entire staff working in the building might actually think Crisis On Infinite Earths ended with the Anti-Monitor being defeated before he could destroy enough of the Infinite Earths so that you couldn't regard them as infinite any more (that would be an infinite amount, by the way, if you're bad at math). The ancient Indian time anomaly also caused DC to forget that they were drawing a line at $2.99 because over a third of their comics are now $3.99! Bastards! Although if that extra dollar added to the more popular characters' books helps subsidize less popular characters and weird series that wouldn't be attempted otherwise, I'm all for it. Also, since the subsidizing thing was my idea way back when, DC Comics should probably pay me a consultation fee.

This issue begins at 4 AM with a bunch of dumb pricks stealing garbage cans so that the owners will have to repurchase those garbage cans from the place the dumb pricks work. It's an idiotic scheme that can't be worth the trouble. How much profit does a store make on a garbage can? Is that a lucrative business? Too bad for these kids, they haven't learned the simplest lesson in crime: never hit the same mark on a regular basis. You see, in this day and age, people have access to all sorts of recording equipment. You may not be filmed committing your crime the first night because not everybody is paranoid. You might not get filmed committing the crime the second night because who thinks they're going to have their trash cans pilfered two weeks in a row? But that third night? You're going to be caught on film because you've begun a pattern. Although too bad for these kids, the person losing their garbage cans decided to pay for The Gang of Harleys instead of a web cam.

Shit. These kids would be better off in Gotham.

The Gang of Harleys earn a rooster for solving the case of the missing garbage cans. They also make some extra money salvaging the van the thieves used, stealing the money in the kids' wallets, probably selling the garbage cans, and possibly selling the organs of the murdered kid on the black market. Justice pays off in lots of little ways.

Harley goes to see the mayor and strikes up a deal which will allow her and her gang to commit murder for hire throughout the city.

Meanwhile in a scene foreshadowing future problems, Popeye eats some seaweed irradiated by an alien ship.

Harley and Mason finally have their date. It feels like Jimmy and Amanda are probably just writing about themselves here. But how would I know?! I don't know anything about them and I don't stalk them or obsess over their Wikipedia pages or anything. Harley Quinn somehow avoids making a beaver joke during dinner. Mason does not avoid being arrested for murder and jail breaking and what else ya gotting.

There's the beaver joke! It's also a masturbation joke but it's tame enough for the kids. Just like the eye-popping and dismemberment earlier was also kid friendly. It's just like watching a Looney Tunes cartoon. Except with masturbation and beaver jokes.

Harley receives a delivery of parakeets which she sets free on the roof. I'm sure they'll be important later in much the same way that Popeye was going to be important later. Which he is! Because the Gang of Harleys get a job to track him down. Harlem and Harvey find him in the men's bathroom of a dive bar on the coast.

Duh nuh nuh nuh NUH NUH! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh NUH NUH!

Harley Quinn #17 Rating: No change. I can't wait until the Gang of Harley battle Baby Huey or Wile E. Coyote!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #18

Wonder Woman's sideburns are sexy.

The issue begins with Superman passed out in bed while Wonder Woman dotes on him. Somehow during the sex, his Superman shirt wound up on her because they did it wrong. That's not how you have sex, Superman! You're not supposed to trade clothing! You're supposed to take it all off and then orgasm prematurely at the thought of actually getting to touch a real, live naked lady! Then you fall asleep and the woman either curses or keeps her anger to herself, gets cold, puts on your shirt, and...oh! I guess Superman did do it correctly. Good job, Clark!

It's three in the morning and Clark's phone rings. Diana doesn't answer it but she notices it's a Smallville area code, so she wakes up Clark, hands him the phone, and bristles at the woman on the other end: fudgefudging fudger Lana fudging Lang. I bet Superman rushes off to help her which is okay, I guess, because Diana probably can't get any angrier than she is now. Blue balled, cold, lonely, ignored, and taken for granted! Why is she still dating this asshole? Especially since half the time, he's being written by Greg Pak. Gross!

Shadow boobs!

Wonder Woman offers to fly Superman to Smallville and on the way, Clark backseat drives the entire time. "Fly faster! You should have made a turn at that grove of trees! Watch out for the geese!" But Wonder Woman understands that she can't just fly a normal person at super speed without possibly damaging that person. Now if she had access to the Speed Force, I think Clark would be protected because Barry carries people around at super speed all the time and he doesn't arrive at their destination with armfuls of gore and viscera. But Superman doesn't care if he's hurt during the flight because he doesn't want to let Lana Lang down. She's in trouble and he wasn't able to save her parents and she never let him hear the end of it. So if she's hurt now, she'll berate him constantly. Although if he is hurt on the way, how is he going to help Lana? These are the kinds of foolish mistakes Superman has been making lately that have been getting him in a lot of trouble.

Wonder Woman doesn't go fast enough so Lana and Steel are gone by the time they get there. Abducted! That only leaves one course of action: put on a disguise and go ask around in town!

Look at that! Tomasi has a calm person rationally state why Clark has become a pariah. Now was that so hard?

The idea that Superman causes more harm by existing than by not existing is entirely the fault of unimaginative writers who have had their claws in him for so long. One of my biggest criticisms of super hero comic books is how often the hero is the cause of the attack by the super villains. Why even bother being the protector of Gotham if Gotham is destroyed by Joker Gas simply because the protector of Gotham lives there? What use is a secret identity to keep your loved ones safe if villains are just moving past the personal attachments to destroy the city where the hero lives? I suppose that's the problem with the use of recurring villains in comic booksl. You can't just ignore the past. Villains are going to be upset that their plans were foiled by the good guy. So they're eventually going to just go after the good guy to get him out of the picture so they can go back to their schemes in peace. I guess fans just like to see the conflicts so they don't care so much about motivation. But I think the lack of motivation in the villain causes this kind of messy bullshit which editors eventually think creates great drama and conflict. I should probably just start skipping bullshit story arcs like this.

One of the old guys in front of the barber shop has the old Kent mailbox. He said it fell out of the sky. So Clark and Diana head to the farm to find Clark's old house and barn and shed and chicken coop and driveway and fence and probably his dead pets buried around back gone. Somebody abducted not just Lana and John Henry but the Kent Farm as well. What a mystery!

While Clark and Diana look around, some mystery person watches them via satellite and begins initiating Protocol AC638. What happened in Action Comics #638? I think that's a clue! Etrigan was on the cover! But it was one of those 48 page books with multiple stories, so any one of them could hold the answer to Protocol AC638!

Superman heads over to the Kent Family Cemetery to find all of the bodies have also been stolen. While freaking the fuck out over that, he's attacked by the Suicide Squad. His life really has turned to shit, hasn't it?

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #18 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'm bored by this. Completely bored! Bored almost to annihilation! I'm beginning to cease to exist I've become so bored. Maybe I can force myself into a coma if I concentrate hard enough. If I manage it, will one of you promise to wake me up when this whole Superman Truth thing is over? I think that will be around September.

Batman Loves Superman #21

I don't get it. Is this symbolic of the way The Joker keeps coming between Batman and Superman's love?

DC Comics continues to break all of the Annual rules and I hate them for it. I enjoyed the days when Annuals were optional. But Batman Loves Superman Annual #2 ended with a depowered Superman stabbed in the kidney on a remote island in the part of the world where the island was. That means that anybody reading this series will finish issue #20 and then pick up issue #21 and say, "What the fuck?!" Luckily an Editor's Note will let them know their mistake in not having picked up the Annual. They'll curse and spit for awhile, consider going to the comic book store to get the Annual, say fuck it, and finally throw this issue in the garbage where it probably belongs. Then they'll express their anger on Twitter and Tumblr with lots of annoying hashtags mucking up the readability of their post which will make me curse and spit and throw my computer in the garbage where it probably belongs.

I'm not excited to be reading another comic book written by Greg Pak. I've come to the objective conclusion that he's an awful writer. I haven't done any double blind studies or anything but, come on! We all know how those would turn out without actually having to conduct them, right? A bunch of scientists will randomly hand out comic books without knowing who wrote them, a bunch of people will read them without knowing who wrote them, and all of the comics written by Greg Pak will wind up in the garbage where they probably belong. So why waste money when I can imagine the results that I expect and desire?

This issue begins like this so I guess the Annual was an imaginary tale?

Now I'm even angrier because this issue didn't begin in the way in which I thought it would make me angry! What happened to Superman on Doomsday Island?! How did he survive being stabbed in the kidney by Janice? Did he convalesce in Doctor Frank-N-Furter's mansion? Did he have sex with the Doctor? Did he do the Time Warp? Again?

Instead of bleeding to death on a remote island, Superman is powerless in Metropolis and battling more xenophobes. It's shocking how many people other than Lex Luthor have really hated Superman all this time but were afraid to say anything because he might punch them in their stupid mouths. I think I have more respect for Lex Luthor! He's apparently been of the majority opinion all this time but he's the only one brave enough to stand against Superman. But now that Superman has hardly any powers and his secret identity has been exposed, everybody is crawling out of Greg Pak's woodwork to kick his ass. I'm not sure how the knowing his secret identity helps everyone suddenly know who Superman is though. Clark Kent went about for years looking exactly like Superman but nobody noticed. But now that people have seen pictures of Clark Kent (who looks exactly like Superman), they now instantly recognize him on the street?

To be fair, Clark is wearing a Superman t-shirt now. But even before that in the Sneak Peek, his image was causing him trouble. Hell, he was being recognized while wearing sunglasses and a hoodie when he used to be able to hide behind simple glasses. I bet he was recognized more because he was still hanging out with Jimmy Olsen! Although why would anybody recognize Jimmy Olsen? He was a photographer for a local newspaper whose circulation was circling the drain.

I've never been kicked in the groin so hard that I heard it go "KRANCH." I think Superman may have done two serious injuries to this guy.

Oh! I think I just figured out the story that takes place after Batman Loves Superman Annual #2! Was that the Superman Loves Wonder Woman Sneak Peek where he teleports up to the Justice League Satellite to fly a space ship into the sun? Was that how he healed himself? Why am I being forced to figure out the order in which I should be reading DC's stories so that they make sense?!

Superman beats up these guys while reminiscing about a bunny and how his father ran it over in a tractor and how he cried for an hour. Here's my story about a bunny: when I was five years old or so, my mom, grandparents, aunt and uncle, sister, and cousins drove to Kansas to visit my aunt's family. Some of the family were in a military bus my uncle had converted into a recreational vehicle, the rest of us were in my grandparents motorhome. My grandfather was driving and, excitedly, he yelled out, "Look! A bunny! A bunny! Whoops. There goes the bunny," as he ran it over on the freeway. I didn't cry for an hour. My family has been laughing for years over that bunny's sacrifice. Not because it died. That's sad, of course. Boo hoo and all that. Big show of empathy. But my grandfather's reaction was so perfectly timed. He couldn't have set it up any better.

Oh, your father never said that! Greg Pak is saying your father said that because it's such a popular thing to say in the current zeitgeist.

Enough with this blanket bullshit propaganda about never punching down. It's simply creating a generation of whiny assholes who want to be seen as victims so they can declare themselves off-limits for being criticized. Sometimes you punch down not because you're punching down but because debate fucking happens. This whole need to rank everybody in such a way to shut up anybody opposed to your point of view is bullshit that only serves to weaken your point of view because you never have to defend it. You just get to declare that your opinion is valid because you're punching up which makes it miraculously correct. Well, if that's the case, then I get to make fun of Muslims, Christians, and Jews as much as I want because I'm an atheist. And as an atheist, I'm fucking punching up when attacking religion. So fuck off! You can't attack me for my atheism because you're punching down!

Also, if Superman was told to never punch down, how come when he had his super powers, he was constantly punching everything? I don't think he really respects your advice, Jonathan Kent!

After the fight, Superman meets up with a cop who he recognizes from events in Action Comics #42 which, once again, I missed due to my time machine having been stolen because I left it unlocked in front of that 1983 Red Barn I visited last week to pick up a Foghorn Leghorn glass.

The police apparently hate Superman as much as the rest of the DC Universe. They've been given orders to let him get his ass kicked by whoever wants to kick his ass. They're all just so angry at all the trouble he's caused over the years. Normally I wouldn't want to agree with that but for quite some time (decades, maybe?), comic book writers have often gone the lazy route where they tell stories about villains whose only motive is to attack the super heroes. So most of the time, Superman is battling creatures who are only in Metropolis to battle Superman. Which, you would think because Superman is a hero, would cause Superman to go live in his Fortress of Solitude after taking out advertisements on all the Metropolis bus benches letting the villains know where he can now be found.

Clark figures Lex Luthor must be behind the police attitude toward him, so he goes to visit Lex. Why bother, Clark? The people obviously hate you. Why blame Lex at this point? Lex was the only one who allowed his hatred to be public. That doesn't mean he's managed to cause everybody else to hate you too. Although according to Batman Loves Superman Annual #2, Xa-du has the power to make everybody in the world hate Clark Kent. Also Xa-du knew Superman's secret identity. So why is Superman confused about everybody knowing his identity?! Why was his first instinct in Superman #41 to blame Jimmy Olsen when he knows he has villains who know his identity? If they knew it would have caused Superman this much trouble, they probably would have beat Lois Lane to the punch and exposed him themselves.

Lex hasn't done as much research as he might think if he still isn't convinced Clark Kent is Superman. He figured out Batman's identity with even less to go on.

Lex points Superman towards Gotham just to get him out of his hair. Um. Sorry, Lex. No offense intended. Superman doesn't trust Lex but he figures he should probably go see Bruce anyway. He probably should have gone to see Bruce after attacking him due to being poisoned by The Joker. But I guess he was too busy to make sure Bruce was okay after that. Now he's going to be surprised to find out Bruce didn't survive at all!

INSERT BATMAN LOVES SUPERMAN SNEAK PEEK HERE

Superman is beat up by Commissioner Batman but Lex Luthor flies in to help. Remember that bit? The whole thing was about how Superman broke a bunch of laws which he didn't actually break? Superman slinks off while Lex and Commissioner Batman have a chat about how awful Commissioner Batman's gut is. Just like every police officer's gut. Gut isn't evidence, assholes. Following your gut really just means being led by your bias, bigotry, and prejudice.

Imagine that. Asking questions! Following the evidence! What a novel approach to police work!

Superman takes a bus out to the Batcave to find Bruce. But all he finds is a one-handed Alfred. And although the first panel seems to show Alfred missing a right hand, it (and the rest) are laid out in such a way that maybe he isn't missing it. Perhaps the first panel where it looks like the hand is not there as the arm disappears behind Clark's head was a mistake. You know, if Snyder decides to later put Alfred's hand back on. Superman jumps to the conclusion that Alfred is grieving so he asks Alfred to talk to him. Alfred explains that Bruce is dead. After Superman leaves, he remembers that Alfred was trained as an actor so Bruce is probably still alive. Alfred is a really good actor if he could make Superman believe Batman was dead simply by greeting Superman! Although he's kind of a shit actor because after doing his monologue about burying Bruce, Superman stops believing that Batman is dead.

I wonder how difficult it was to allow Greg Pak to have the first moment with Alfred? I bet DC Editorial were really strict about how this scene was handled because Bruce's disappearance had to remain a mystery. And I think that first panel which really shows Alfred missing a hand was a mistake on the artist's part. I think Alfred's arm was supposed to have disappeared behind Clark's head completely so as not to give a definitive answer to whether Alfred was still missing a hand or not.

Clark calls Lois for some reason but he's not sure how to get out what he was calling about. So Lois monologues for a long time about her life and when she finally asks him what he called about, he pauses for a moment. Apparently it's too long a pause because Lois hangs up on him for keeping secrets. Fart noise.

Superman spray paints one of Batman's motorcycles red, analyzes the evidence he got from the Waynetech break-in, then goes to the Gotham City Junkyard to blow up an old car because he knows, for some reason, that will attract Commissioner Batman. I guess they need to work out a way to work together because both of their names are on the cover of this comic book. It can't be constantly about Superman or all of the Batman fans are going to stop reading. Oh wait. Commissioner Batman isn't really Batman so all of the Batman fans are probably going to stop reading anyway.

Batman Loves Superman #21 Rating: -2 Ranking. This whole truth thing is kind of annoying because so much depends on things that haven't happened in front of the reader yet and so nothing can be explained to any reader's satisfaction without spoiling the other comic book stories. For some inexplicable reason, I don't like that. It's not like this story is supposed to create tension as the reader wonders what happened but knows they'll eventually find out organically in the telling of the tale. No, this is just a story that isn't allowed to say a bunch of stuff which is important to the telling of this story and that stuff will never even be revealed in this story because it's part of a different story in a different comic book. It's just a poorly thought out mess that I'm finding I care less and less about with every letter I type. So I should stop typing because now I care about forty-eight letters less than when I began this sentence.

Action Comics #41

Since the Sneak Peek "Truth" comics just portrayed the aftermath of Lois Lane's inability to keep her big mouth shut, hopefully this issue will tell how she completely fucked Clark Kent. Not in the way the fans wanted.

This issue begins with Superman shirtless and freezing and maybe bleeding while wandering the wilderness. He finds a road which leads to a town which takes him to an Editor's Note that says "See Superman #41 for details." That means I'm going to put this comic book back in the stack and wait for Superman #41 to come out. I'll see you in the next paragraph! For you it'll be immediate! For me, it's going to take some time. Later!

Okay! I'm back and it really didn't matter because what the Editorial Note really meant to say was "See Superman #41-44 for more details." Because the whole story about how Lois finds out plays out during a four part story. I guess Superman fans will just have to accept that Lois blabbed for some reason and now Superman has found himself freezing to death in Alaska.

After the Editor's Note, Clark buys a shirt, eats a burrito, and buys a motorcycle. He says "Ha" a lot. Maybe he's in the same Endgame hallucination as Batman! He's all tanked up on Wacky Joker Juice and this is all a huge dream!

Some kid recognizes Clark as Superman which causes everybody in town to flip the fuck out and begin trying to kick his ass. Because he's, you know, an alien who was hiding amongst them. God forbid Kal-el ever meet any humans that aren't complete xenophobes. Superman just ate a burrito though so he's got enough calories to punch the fuck out of all of the Alaska hillbillies. He then hops on his motorcycle and heads out to find himself.

Kal heads back to Metropolis because...I don't know. He seems to have left in the first place because J. Jonah White fired him and then the banks cancelled his credit cards (because why?!) and then he was sued for "Superman-related damages." It turns out 99% of the people of Metropolis are really assholes that weren't worth saving. And now Superman has come back because...oh, I went through this in the beginning, didn't I? I don't know why he's going back. To tell everybody he's sorry for lying to them and hope they all forgive him? To say how disappointed he is that everybody just turned out to be less smart Lex Luthors?

Okay, maybe the percentage of people who are Pro-Superman is a smidgen greater than one percent.

Between Aaron Kuder and John Romita Jr, I have no idea what Superman is supposed to look like anymore.

At the Superman is Cool Block Party, Clark meets a firewoman named Lee Lambert. Those double "L"s mean she's going to be an important person in Superman's life! I bet he bangs her! Or she bangs him! Whichever! I'm cool!

Lee Lambert isn't as cool with Superman as the other people seem to be. She, and others in the neighborhood, are afraid of what monsters will descend on the neighborhood that housed Superman. Well good. She should be. People who live with fear and decide to blame other people for that fear deserve to be scared and worried on a constant basis. I don't have any sympathy for the cowards.

Superman rushes off to battle some shadow monster that seems to be something like the shadow monsters seen in Superman #42. Remember that comic book? Yeah, I don't either because my time machine is in the shop.

While Superman battles the Shadow Monster down at the docks, Dawn Command, a fascist group of police, march on Clark's old neighborhood so they can burn it to the ground. Enh. I don't fucking care.

Action Comics #41 Rating: -4 Ranking. Stupid, mean people acting stupid and mean. Those are the people that populate Superman's world. It's stupid as fuck and I've long grown bored of "Superman is the enemy" stories. I have a feeling I'm going to be reading a lot of those lately. Hey DC Comics? Can't you just fucking let Superman be the hero Superman is meant to be?! Assholes.

Superman #41

Why is this weaselly faced guy wearing Superman's clothes?

I have no idea what order to read Superman's Truth books this month. Action Comics had a note to see Superman #41 but Superman #41 came out last out of all the Superman Truth books. I have a feeling it really won't matter and they'll all just wind up sort of referring to each other. But I'm going to start with Superman #41 simply because the Action Comics #41 note seemed like it was in reference to the whole Lois Lane exposing Clark's identity thing. Anyway, I've made my decision and it's too late to change my mind.

This issue is called "Before Truth" and it's Part One so it makes it sound like it'll tell the story that leads to all of Superman's troubles. But the comic begins with the caption, "After everything changed." That makes it sound like it's a story that takes place in the aftermath of all of Superman's troubles. I guess I should just get to it.

Superman is riding on the back of an airplane because he can't fly anymore. He's also wearing his Superboy costume and carrying a messenger bag. I bet Lois Lane's head is inside of it.

The second page is captioned "Before" so I guess this will be the story about Lois Lane betraying Clark. That should be fun.

Clark Kent gets a tip about illegal arms sales in Metropolis so he and Jimmy head out to get the scoop. Once there, he and Jimmy are caught so Clark has to put on the Superman outfit and bust some heads. Lois Lane was suspicious about Superman's head wound and Clark's bandaged head at the end of last issue, so she might be the anonymous source sending Clark into danger simply to see if Superman arrives. I suppose if Clark Kent wasn't Superman and he died, Lois would be able to win a Pulitzer covering that story.

When everything at the probably Intergang meet-up goes wrong, Superman is forced to use his FWASH power. For a guy who never needed that power before a month or so ago, he sure does resort to it a lot now. Plus he likes to do it for fun. I think he might have a problem. Superman is addicted to whatever rush he gets using that power. Or he just loves being powerless. I think addiction must be a part of it though because he's getting careless. Every time he's used the power before, he's blown up everything around him. Setting off the power in the middle of Metropolis just seems irresponsible.

Clark needs to learn to be more careful. He's too used to being able to hear and smell Lois whenever she's skulking about.

Lois helps Clark and Jimmy identify the man running guns which allows her to weasel her way into the byline. Perry Jameson is super excited about his people sniffing out a great story because his paper is failing because nobody reads newspapers anymore. And even though The Daily Planet broke this story, most people are going to read about the story in scrolling text on CNN or via FARK on the internet. Most people won't even hear the names of the reporters who broke the story. Jimmy might make some cash off of his pictures but that's about it. Lois and Clark are fucked.

No wonder Lois Lane is going to be desperate to ruin Clark's life! A huge story that also results in less competition? Who can blame her?

Clark hears back from his anonymous contact only to find out that the contact knows his secret! The contact even set up a webpage with proof that Superman is Clark Kent. And now the Anonymous Tipster believes that they can extort Superman to do their bidding. Has this person never heard of Superman before? As if Superman would allow himself to be manipulated like this! I mean, without first being mind-controlled or under a magic spell or poisoned by Joker toxins. Maybe revealing his identity will be Clark's idea and he'll give the scoop to Lois! Unless the Anonymous Tipster is Lois and then he'll probably never be friends with her ever again.

Clark allows himself to be manipulated by the Tipster one more time but that's before he had time to contact Batman and ask Batman to fix the problem. Clark is pissed at himself but there's not much that he can do since he currently has no powers. Once again, he really needs to stop using that stupid Solar Flare power. He's leaving himself (and the world!) completely vulnerable.

I guess Clark still has some of his powers left because he rescues the woman he just sold out to fake FBI kidnappers. But he winds up bleeding and in the back seat of Jimmy's car with the rescued girl and Lois Lane in the front seat because she's nosy and hungry. And things just get worse from there.

Superman is really getting fucking careless, isn't he?

Superman #41 Rating: No change. Well, it's not hard to see why Lois Lane figures out his secret identity so easily now. Why did she even need psychic powers to figure it out before? Clark treats his secret identity like most people treat their mortality. They'll act like it's something that must be protected at all costs but then they'll walk into traffic while texting on their phones expecting cars to stop simply because pedestrians have the right of way. The more Clark uses the Solar Flare power (which he really never has to use), the more he leaves himself helpless. The longer he's without powers, the more people he won't be able to save, or the greater chance somebody discovers his secret because he has no special powers to help maintain it. I would think Superman would consider his secret identity a luxury that he enjoyed but he would discard the moment it endangered anybody's life. He can't allow himself to be manipulated by somebody who knows his identity. So he should abandon it immediately. Or ask Batman how to devise a scheme to convince everybody that Clark Kent and Superman can't be the same person. Like, um, getting Martian Manhunter to disguise himself as Clark Kent and having him fall off of a building and be rescued by Superman. I have a feeling the whole Lois exposing Clark's identity thing might wind up being something they come up with together.