Batman Eternal #22

This is the greatest cover of all time.

Usually when a deadly new villain appears on the cover of a comic book, they're "unleashed!" or, well, whatever synonyms exist for unleashed although DC never uses them so the villains are almost always just unleashed. Anyway, they're usually shown as getting over on the hero because the reader has to feel the tension of the impending conflict. Will Batman actually be beaten? After the reader answers "no" to that question immediately, they still pick up the comic book because Batman is on the cover and DC has some kind of Halloween III mindchip installed in every picture of Batman that forces people to buy their comic books.

But not this cover! Hopefully you know what I'm talking about when I say "not this cover" since I filled that last paragraph with a lot of extraneous bullshit that probably made you forget about the villain unleashed and the beating Batman stuff. As soon as The Architect enters, Batman is all, "Ka-CHA!" "Ka-CHA" is short for "Karate Chop!" Batman knows this is a karate kick but he doesn't like to telegraph his blows just in case he's battling a psychic. This leads me to believe that The Architect sucks. The only way this cover could be any better is if it said, "Enter The Archite...." Oh wait! I thought of another way it could be better! If it were drawn by Val Semieks! And if Etrigan were on it! And the Architect was Klarion the Witch Boy! And maybe Simon Bisley sketched a tattoo of Lobo on Etrigan's arm! And then the whole thing were redone as a sculpture by Tom Taggart and placed inside an installation by Dave McKean! Now that's a cover!

Last issue Jason Bard broke a flash drive that didn't have any evidence on it at all. What it had inside of it was a Bat-Device that would alert Batman when the asshole he gave it to broke it in half. That's all speculation by me but since I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, you might as well accept it as truth. Believing in me isn't faith; it's science! When have I ever been wrong? I'm the guy that guessed Harvest was Vampire Tim Drake from the future and that New Future Welder's Mask Superman was Booster Gold, and look how those came to pass! Or will come to pass eventually. Or are at least accurate in my comic books which I've marked up a bit with colored Sharpies. It's amazing how easy it was to make Billy Batson look like Michael Jon Carter!

Jason Bard also let The Architect out of Blackgate but I don't know what that's supposed to accomplish. I guess he's going to remodel the destroyed subway?

This issue has a flashback of the "Alfred spills the beans" scene. So that's two panels that will have to be fixed in the trades! Learn to spell, Alfred!

Julia finds the entrance to the Batcave but then the scene changes to a group of Bruce Wayne's Windows and Glass Repair workers fitting a Wayne building with more totally destructible panes of glass. But The Architect arrives to shoot some guy named Clint because he was worried the ink was going to run and everybody would have a tizzy over an accidental cunt. Unless all of The Architect's themed crimes are that he delays construction projects so that his family business can garner more contracts.

Batman notices The Architect up to no good and says "No..." as if The Architect is some kind of dangerous rival. He's named The Architect! He's an asshole!

The Batcave contacts Batman because there's somebody inside of it that wants to yell at him.

You must be mistaken, Batman. He's called "The Architect," not "The Demolitionist."

The Architect must be a fan of Tesla because he's mastered the ability to set up a resonance that continues to grow until buildings or bridges collapse. This Beacon place he's attacked was designed by him while in prison. Probably because he received a poorly formatted invitation to fuck with Gotham City. Batman doesn't know what to do because Penny-Two doesn't know how to operate the Bat-computer. All you do is hit switches and buttons, Julia, until it spits out some punch cards!

In the absence of Batman's Bat-Computer, let me take this one. Batman! You have to set up a counter resonance that will nullify the counter-counter-resonance! Sit all the workers on the floor with you and everybody fart at exactly the same time! It's your only chance!

I should get royalties for that, Batman. I came up with it first! Now if Julia steals my fart plan, I'm fucking suing.

The only actual plan Batman and Penny-Two come up with is the one where they rescue all the workers but allow the building to continue to vibrate itself to death. Luckily, it probably won't work unless The Architect added walls of dynamite to the building's blueprints. Batman realizes one page before the issue ends who the real "architect" of all this shit going down is: Hush.

Goddammit! I said at the end of the last commentary that the person behind it all had better not be Hush since Hush was introduced last issue and then the last issue's next issue blurb said the person behind it all would be revealed. But he was already revealed! I will allow that it wasn't revealed that Hush was the mastermind. Anyway, it's Hush. No wonder his invitations to Gotham were so poorly formatted, what with all those bandages getting in the way of fine detail work.

Batman Eternal #22 Rating: -1 Ranking. I warned you, Batman Eternal! I said, "Hush had better not be the big reveal!" I said, "If Hush is the big reveal, I will murder you in your sleep, Batman Eternal!" And then I said, "I'm hungry!" And then I forgot all about Batman Eternal until just now. I guess little Tommy Elliot feels it's time to throw another gigantic tantrum because his parents weren't gunned down in an alley allowing him to inherit all of their money at an early age. Did Hush come up with his name because he stood up in a library and declared his parents' wealth would be his and then was shushed by a librarian? Anyway, I think Hush's childhood rivalry has gone a little bit too far.

Futures End #18

Hopefully the plot can finally start moving forward now that the September Futures End Pay Extra For Every Comic Book Extravaganza has begun.

For those of you keeping track of stupid statistics at home, last issue marked eighteen issues of Futures End (counting the Zero issue. I had to explain that for everybody who instantly thought, "He's a fucking idiot that can't do math.") with only three big reveals. And two of them--the non-Brainiac is the enemy two--happened last issue. The first was that Booster Gold now has the power to transform himself into a teenaged boy named Billy. And the other was that Superman was living in Africa as a mole. I expect this issue to be chock full of revelations that have to do with all of the characters featured in the Futures End issues that came out this month. If not, I'm going to curse under my breath by saying, "Aw, shucks."

The inside front cover has an advert for Earth 2 Action Figures. Why is Replacement Batman holding a Batarang instead of a bottle of Miraclo pills? And why release figures for Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman before Doctor Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, Val-el, and Tornado Lane? At least those characters are still alive. I don't want to buy three action figures which I'll have to pretend are dead the whole time I'm playing with them!

There was nothing more annoying than playing with action figures with friends that felt they needed to stick to movie or cartoon canon. My Star Wars figures drove around in Barbie's Corvette. A few of the figures, my personal favorites, had stupid personalities and talked like morons the entire time. Those figures were Stormtrooper, Death Star Droid, Death Squad Commander (who we called "Buck"), Chewbacca, and X-wing Luke. These guys also had the power to form a kite (three at a time for the body, tail, and string) and fly anywhere they wanted in the neighborhood.

Last issue, Constantine had finally found the real Superman, not some Billy Batson wannabe ripoff. But Kal-el has no interest in saving the world. Probably because he grew tired of the world not giving a shit, or being afraid of him when Lobdell was writing the story, or just constantly taking him for granted.

Turning your back on the world sounds so relaxing!

Forget being lectured to by a drunk, Superman! You're being lectured to by a guy that doesn't give a fuck about the world. The only reason Constantine cares is that if the world is gone, he's gone. So he's really just fighting for his own life. And he's not even fighting. He's just gone on a quest to find somebody to fight for him.

Constantine has told Superman that, like it or not, he's involved since Brainiac has sent The Mighty Morhpin' Anger Ranger after him. So Kal-el can continue to help farm the fields but it'll be tough to ignore the Anger Ranger beating him about the face in a few hours.

Meanwhile back in Metropolis, Lois Lane guesses Billy Batson's age at about twenty. So now she feels like an old cougar since she's been chasing this young buck around Metropolis. But they don't have much time to talk since Rampage has to--for something like the tenth issue straight--rampage.

Maybe if you tried calling her "Fuzzy Kitten Socks," she'll calm the fuck down.

Lois, being the great investigative reporter she is, screams Rampage's name so that anybody watching will know what's going on. You can't understand what you're seeing unless a reporter or newscaster is there to describe everything as you watch it! Newscasters do know that television is a visual medium, right? When they show a video of a car overturning on the highway, they don't have to say, "It's going to overturn here in a seco--right there! Did you see it?"

Rampage throws Billy across the street and luckily he's caught by some black guy wearing an American cape or somethi--?

Oh, thanks Lois. Good thing we had a reporter on the scene!

You know, I really rake newscasters over the coals pretty savagely. I suppose nobody reading my comic book commentaries works in local news because they're all too arrogant to ever pay attention to anything that didn't make them seem like the most helpful person in the community. Maybe if I took a video of a goat kicking the ass of a raccoon, I might get noticed since they always need lots and lots of viral internet bullshit to pad their excessively long broadcasts that never impart any knowledge that anybody actually needs to know.

That's a nice sentiment, Stormguard. You'd just let Lois die if Superman hadn't weakened Rampage, would you?

Stormguard puts down Rampage and then takes Lois and Billy up to the Justice League Defense Station Omega, or JLDSO for stupid. Lois suddenly begins ranting about how this is a huge story and she has to tell it because the first amendment gives her the right to tell it and it's news and nobody has any right to sit on news! Shut the fuck up, Lois. Stop rationalizing your need for attention. You just have to be the one to break this story to prove that you're the greatest investigative journalist in the fucking world! I get transparency is an optimal situation. But sometimes people don't want to know that Superman is actually a twenty year old asshat with a juvenile criminal record. I mean, I think your masturbation schedule is news but I doubt you're going to go ahead and publish that, right Lois? You have no right to sit on how many times a day you sit on your vibrator!

Meanwhile, Big Barda, John Diggle, and Emiko land on an island where the reader learns the most depressing news of the entire Futures End series so far: Green Arrow isn't actually dead. He's creating a Secret Army (TM) for a Secret War (TM) to fight for the rights of the Twofers! I wonder if Green Arrow Island is the same island as Cadmus Island but nobody has noticed yet!

Over on Cadmus Island, all of the Twofers have escaped because they're suddenly being controlled by Brainiac. He gained access to their bodies from the DNA sniffers that were implanted in all of the prisoners. Now Deathstroke, Lana Lang, Grifter, and Fifty Sue are being hunted by a bunch of Earth 2 superheroes. Although Fifty Sue went off to see the A.I. behind the curtain. Also, Fifty Sue was an experiment by Cadmus to create a superhero. Also, as you can see, I've reached the part of my commentary where I simply explain the salient points of the plot so the me in the future that can't remember things very well will remember what was happening in Futures End when I read Issue #19.

Fifty Sue consulting the artificial intelligence behind the curtain.

And finally--FINALLY--Batwing and The Key and Coil and Plastique break-in to Terrifitech.

Futures End #18 Rating: No change. The ball is finally rolling! By next issue, it should gain enough momentum for things to actually be exciting and full of excitement! Hopefully all the special Futures End comic books add something to the overall story.

Justice League #33

Oh! I have a ring somewhat similar to that! And I live in Portland! Maybe I'm Power Ring!

Here is my Power Ring ring:

Apparently, like Ms. Marvel, I can make my hand grow freakishly large.

Okay, so it's not that similar to it. But they both have butterflies because butterflies are the master of chaos and we're both totally into chaos! Plus mine looks nicer because it's not all green. Although it would look even nicer if it were made from something other than pewter. Stupid children's jewelry. It's the only jewelry worth wearing. I also exclusively wear children's sunglasses. Do I need to take a picture of that too?

It's hard to tell how pink the lenses are since my face has decided to look excessively pink this morning. We'll pretend it's the lighting and the glasses and not the roseacea God cursed me with. Unless it's my Asian Flush, but I don't think I've been drinking yet this morning.

Okay, now that I've uncomfortably put a picture of myself up on the web and am feeling incredibly sick to my stomach with worry that some long lost relative will recognize me and try to get in touch with me, I'm probably in the perfect mood to read Justice League!

Last issue, Lex Luthor was threatening Niles Caulder's spine. Niles and Lex know each other because you'd obviously know all the other people that were vying for smartest person on Earth. In my first year end review of The New 52 in October 2012, I stated that I thought Lex Luthor and Niles Caulder were the only two people smarter than Mister Terrific. I hope they discuss their Smart Guy Feud as they battle for who gets possession of the Power Ring!

Last issue, Elasti-Girl was referred to as "Rita Starr" and then once, by Element Woman, as "Ms. Farr." I thought the Ms. Farr was a mistake and Johns had decided to change her name. I guess Rita Starr was the mistake. Or, since Geoff Johns can't stand mistakes and must eventually turn them into cosmic crises, Rita Starr will probably wind up being Rita Farr's stage name and not a typo.

So far, I do not like the way Geoff Johns is portraying my precious Doom Patrol and I hope he's too busy to take over their title whenever they get a monthly. Perhaps I should be dismayed by how he's portraying the Justice League and the way they're reacting to The Doom Patrol as freaks and abnormalities. What the fuck makes The Doom Patrol so different from them? Aquaman is better than Larry Trainor because he doesn't have to wear bandages? The orange and green suit is so much more "normal." Cliff Steele is a freak but Cyborg is somehow socially acceptable? Element Woman was supposed to be on their team but they simply forgot about her after Forever Evil. Did they forget about her because she was too weird for them? The Doom Patrol weren't losers and outcasts because they "looked weird." They were regular people that survived catastrophes and bonded together to help each other out. It wasn't their fault they wound up fighting all the strange shit in the corners of the DC Universe! The Justice League wishes they had such fascinating foes!

Celsius was The Chief's wife and Tempest was Joshua Clay. I don't think they appeared in the Doom Patrol's brief, earlier appearance. I think that was just Karma and Scorch. I'd check my comics but my cat, Judas, is snoring away on top of the comic book boxes.

While the Justice League and the Doom Patrol battle each other for the right to stop Power Ring, Power Ring wakes up. That's when Shazam threatens to arrest her for hurting Cyborg even though it was Cyborg who assaulted her by sticking his connector cables into her power ring. But then, Shazam is just a little boy with no understanding of complex interactions between adults.

Power Ring lets off a signal which alerts the Anti-Monitor to New Earth's presence. He's now headed to Earth 0 to trample its sand castles.

The Justice League continues to battle the Doom Patrol because the Justice League is full of stupid morons that believe punching people until those people follow their orders is the only answer to any conflict. So, you know, like police officers.

While Batman and the Justice League do what Lex asks of them (probably because Batman fears Lex will give up his secret identity if he doesn't. Batman has been compromised!), Lex and Niles battle for control of the Power Ring.

Okay, maybe Batman isn't compromised. He also wants his teammates out of the picture while he selfishly saves the day with his own brilliant plan.

Oh, I see! The League does whatever you say, hunh, Batman?

And what does Batman want the League to do next? Why, ask Lex Luthor to join! So that's what they agree to do, since it was decided early on to do whatever Batman wants them to do. Lex Luthor is now an official member of the Justice League!

Justice League #33 Rating: No change. I hope the Doom Patrol gets treated right whenever they get their own monthly series. This abused spouse relationship they have going on with Niles Caulder doesn't fit them. They were never brow beaten into helping Niles. He was the forever manipulating his spouse kind of abuser and not the "do what I say or I'm going to punch you in the jaw" kind. They helped him not because he forced them to or guilted them into it. No, they helped him because he could always convince the Doom Patrol that people needed saving, or that the world was about to end, or that some shadowy government agency was trying to destroy all abnormalcy! The only thing the Doom Patrol really needed Niles Caulder for was replacement bodies for Cliff Steele. And even then, they usually got the new bodies from Will Magnus anyway!

Star Spangled War Stories #2

Why waste a parachute on GI Zombie?

I don't remember how old I was when I first saw Night of the Living Dead but I was born in 1971 and I'm sure I'd seen it before 1980 came along. I probably saw it on Creature Features some late Saturday Night. The main thing I remember was being blown away by the ending which I'm going to spoil right now because the movie is about two hundred years old. I don't think I'd ever seen a movie end so tragically. It was shocking to see that the main character had survived the zombie assault only to be shot in the face by law enforcement and their zombie clean up posse. The whole racial thing and the images at the end that evoke the violence against civil rights protestors wouldn't have meant anything to me. It took a long time for the culture and mass media to break me down to the point that I realized people looked different from each other; they all weren't just the same, vague blob of fog with eyes that I constantly refused to meet. I know there have been other movies that don't end tidily or happily ever after but Romero seemed to have started more than just the Modern Zombie Genre with Night of the Living Dead. He created the genre of no matter what you do, the grave is your only reward. Life is just a struggle against the hook but eventually you're going to be reeled in, cut open, eviscerated, deboned, battered, and eaten. But that's kind of what makes zombie movies important. You know the fate of every character in the movie from the outset. They're all fucking doomed. But the struggle is what's important, and how the characters treat each other. We actually cheer the zombies when they tear out the throat of that manipulative asshole that's not working with the others. Fuck that guy, right?!

Anyway, I don't see zombies wearing thin on the public mind any time soon. We already had that zombie romance film with the kid from About a Boy. I think we need a zombie sitcom before they're finally laid to rest by a public weary of shambling corpses.

This issue begins with Tiffany (unless it's Carmen!), the non-zombie, infiltrating the evil biker gang's secret lair. Actually, she was invited and she just walked right up to the front gate to be let in. But first she needs to be frisked!

First time with a man too! Men have asses as well! Maybe he's only been with sheep.

Oh yeah! Gravedigger is going to show up in this issue, or so I was promised by last issue. He has the best real name ever: Ulysses Hazard! I bet he's a Major!

GI Zombie remains outside the Biker Lair gathering information and/or eating brains. So far, no war stories have been told and nothing has been starred or spangled. Some ex-government agents have delivered some bio-weapons to the bikers because their boss is a careless moron. I think this might have been a story Jimmy and Justin were going to use for The Unknown Soldier but converted it into a GI Zombie story because the characters are practically interchangeable! One doesn't have a face; one eats faces. One is the living embodiment of Cain; one is the living embodiment of Abel. Okay, I don't know whether either of those last two statement are true. But I think Jimmy and Justin were building the mythology around the Unknown Soldier that the essence of Cain took over the mind of a soldier killed during war and turned that soldier into a living weapon, the epitome of war. The Mark of Cain was probably the reason for the Unknown Soldier's abilities (plus all the cyber technology they shoved up him). And now GI Zombie can be the unliving embodiment of Abel, the first person murdered! Of course he wouldn't be able to just die in peace. He'd have to forever haunt the world looking to eat the brains of The Unknown Soldier before he can rest in peace, satiated on revenge. Hopefully GI Zombie lives in the House of Secrets because it's about time that House came back after it's brief appearance in Justice League Dark and it's mention that went nowhere in All Star Western. Although it's possible the House of Secrets is being saved for The Secret Six coming in December.

Oh god. He's one of those nerds.

So GI Zombie is an engineering geek, is he? You know how every type of nerd or geek has a very specific sense of humor? So like, drama nerds are funny in that way that isn't funny at all? And engineering geeks are funny in that way that isn't very funny when you make phrases as technical as possible? And the role players who take smug satisfaction in vaguely highbrow insults? The juggling nerds who enjoy slapstick and prop comedy and pranks and just won't leave you the fuck alone no matter how many times you throw their juggling pins across the yard? And the comic book nerds who think skewering everyone to the wall and watching them wriggle in discomfort is the height of hilarity? Fucking nerds!

Obviously I was talking about nerds which is why I didn't talk about the humor of Greek organizations where everybody is a fag or a lezbo, or the humor of jocks which is pretty much just kicking somebody in the balls or tripping someone carrying a lunch tray. We've also got the humor of the masses which you can watch on CBS every whatever night they claim is the height of comedy but is basically just jokes about fat people, promiscuity, and nerds.

I also didn't mention religious humor because their humor is shit like, "Q: How many abortionists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Are you crazy? You think they have electricity in Hell?!"

Let's dismantle the government and replace all the laws with whatever those idiots on Utopia come up with!

GI Zombie infiltrates the Biker Lair but soon after, the alarms go off. He kills some people in much the same way The Unknown Soldier would have killed people, except with more tearing out of throats with teeth, and less righteous moralizing. GI Zombie kills lots and lots and lots of bikers before they decide to shoot rocket propelled grenades at him. But that's when the day is saved by Ulysses Hazard!

Wait. What? "Anderson?" Hell no! That's the name of a goddamned white accountant!

I guess this is the Star Spangled War! The government against its own people. The government really needs to stop going to war against its own people, even if they're anti-government militias. The government is not an autonomous organization that must protect itself from the people. The government is supposed to bow down to the people and respect its wishes. When did we give up forcing our government to have consequences for its actions in exchange for an "I Voted!" sticker and the smug feeling of having participated in a democratic election? When those in the government have stopped listening to the people and started only listening to whatever corporation or wealthy fuck lines their pockets with cash, they've stopped being part of the government. Therefore, we, the people, no longer need to listen to any of their laws. And we certainly shouldn't be giving them tax revenue. I once heard a wise cartoon sing, "If your government doesn't give you your basic rights, you gotta get another government." Although, I was never too keen on the "getting another government" part of that line.

Have those idiots in Utopia shown us how to create a perfect community yet? I have a feeling what we're going to learn is that Utopia is just Big Brother in the woods and all the drama is going to revolve around who is fucking whom. And when they're not caught up in high school dating drama, they'll argue all the typical, bullshit issues where everybody wants everybody else to live exactly the same life they're currently living.

Somehow in all the comic book fighting, GI Zombie winds up riding on the back of a Patriot Missile. I think it's a metaphor for something! Probably sex!

Inside the missile is the bio-weapon! The Bikers are going to unleash a Super Virus called Black Ice on Washington, DC! That's a metaphor too! It's a metaphor for the Race War! Black Ice? Black Guys? And the bikers are complete white rednecks? And the only person that can end racial strife and bring harmony to the masses is GI Zombie, hero of the proletariat, and/or sex bomb!

Sex bomb!

The Bio-Weapon crashes into Sutterville, Tennessee, Population 1203. Time for a zombie apocalypse!

Star Spangled War Stories #2 Rating: No change. Hey Jimmy and Justin? Don't make GI Zombie a total mystery for the entire run of the comic book. Let me get to fucking know him so that I actually feel connected to the character. I know it's only issue two, so it's like a newborn baby, meaning there's no reason to love it yet. You've got to make me care! Show me how GI Zombie came about and why he does what he does? Does he work for the government as a hitman simply for the free food? Has he ever loved a she-zombie? Or a he-zombie, judging by the way he knew his way around mounting a missile. Let the reader inside of him! Inside of his mind, not his bowels! Show how he loves cats! And loves to eat dogs! Make him human! Um, so to speak, of course.

Aquaman #34

Just like Aquaman to hide behind a wall of fish to save his own life. How is Aquaman considered the King of the Sea? The sea life probably regard him as quite the fascist asshole.

Who wants to bet against Jeff Parker writing about Aquaman trying to stop something from eating? Because I'll take that bet and win all of your everything! I'm super adept at recognizing patterns! It's true! When I see striped wallpaper, I'll say, "Look at that wallpaper. Totally striped." And people will nod their heads and say things like, "True! True!" and "Oh yeah, I hadn't noticed that." Using my extraordinary ability, I've noticed that Jeff Parker has only been writing stories where Aquaman stops creatures from doing what all creatures must do to survive: eat. He's like the Jillian Michaels of the DC Universe.

The issue begins with Aquaman confronting the Chimera at the hospital bedside of Doctor Shin.

Being barfed on is only going to strengthen Aquaman's anti-eating convictions.

I can tell Aquaman has a guest penciller this month because I'm not happy with the art. And since I'm, slightly, criticizing an artist, people are inevitably going to say stupid nonsense like, "Let's see you draw!" As if my ability to like or dislike art rests solely in my own artistic talent! Well, guess what, dumb dumbs? I'm feeling in a charitable mood! Here's some of my art so you can determine whether or not I have the chops to tell good art from bad art from mediocre art from dog poo.

I was actually going to draw a really crappy picture of Aquaman and then realized I was too lazy to draw something, so I searched through my computer files and decided to use this picture from my children's book version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

Now you can look at that picture and decide whether or not my critique ("I'm not happy with the art") of the art in Aquaman #34 has any merit or not. Or you can just go, "How am I supposed to judge anything from that?!"

After Aquaman and Chimera fall off the boat to continue fighting in the ocean, Chimera bites Aquaman! Oh no, Arthur! You'd better stop him from eating! I suppose Aquaman has a case for stopping this creature from this particular meal since Aquaman probably doesn't want to lose a hand. Again! Then Aquaman punches Chimera and says, "Bite that!" Do we have a guest writer too? Because I was not happy with that retort. Now do I have to offer up a piece of my writing to show that I'm allowed to critique other people's writing? Fine! Read this:

That was the end of all that nonsense. Ridiculous! Knowing what coulda been ten bajillion years in the past. Why’s anybody gotta know that? What good is it gonna do, all said and done? “Whoopee! Look at me! My name is Krona and now I know how the unyverse were made!” Now how is that supposed ta put food on yer table? People sayin’ they need meanin’ ta it all. I got yer meaning to it all! It’s just life! It’s harsh and it’s mean and occasionally ya git yer prick wet or yeah et a really good peach or sometimes yer horse nudges ya in the shoulder in just that playful way he does when yer gittin’ so sick and tired of it all. And that nudge is sayin’, “It’s you and me, Francis. We’s all we got and have ya got a carrot cause that’d jus’ ‘bout hit the spot right now.” And that jus’ ‘bout makes ever’thing all right agin. And ya shoulder yer pack and you pull the boots on over yer blistered feet and ya git the fuck back on the trail. Cause what the fuck else is there? Ain’t no God gonna help you git down the trail ta find yer next meal. You trust in god, yer gonna starve. Ain’t no “big bang” gonna make life any happier than you alone can make the lot ya been thrown in on anyhow. Only thing I ever learned is more learnin’ just makes more questions. And who the fuck has got the time for more of those?

It's a stop people from eating or be eaten world, Art!

I could have said it's a dog shark eat dog shark world out there, but everybody knows those are not dog sharks. Those are King Shark Sharks.

Aquaman winds up killing the sharks to save his own life (or is it just punishment for having tried to eat?) and then he feels guilty about it. But he didn't feel guilty about commanding them to risk their lives fighting for him against Chimera! They could have easily died then as well, just like when Aquaman called in those Dugongs recently to eat Swamp Thing and then die. I guess Aquaman didn't mind the Dugongs dying since they, you know, ate stuff.

Aquaman takes Chimera on land to battle. Chimera thinks he can fight just as well on land as in the sea but for how long? Chimera is composed of sea life and the most important word in that phrase is "sea." Okay, "life" is probably more important, actually. But not when sea life is suddenly stranded on land! Another important clue is that the name of this issue is called "Land and Sea." So Chimera is probably going to dehydrate like a spinning top that hasn't had breakfast.

So, how do you want to pay me on the wager? Cash? Real Estate? First born?

Chimera does the Karaquan Mindmeld on Aquaman and they merge memories for a double page splash. Speaking of mindmelds, did Spock blush and, if so, did his face turn green when he did?

I think I'm all turned around on the art! Mera looks sexy adorable here!

Aquaman defeats Chimera by blowing up half of the city. Well done, Aquaman! That may or may not be a joke about cooking Chimera to death.

Aquaman #34 Rating: No change. But wait! Before you leave, there's an epilogue! Chimera escapes because Jeff Parker doesn't want to lose royalties on a character he created! Okay, technically he didn't create this character because it's really just Creature King fancied up for the modern age. But he has a different name, so maybe Parker will get credit for it. But then again, Chimera has the same human name as Creature King. So Parker probably should have just killed Chimera.

Batman Loves Superman #13

It's been two months since this book came out. I don't even remember who Batman and Superman are.

I'm a Writer, not a Reader! Reading is for lazy people who enjoy passive entertainment. They like to lay back (unless it's lie back. Maybe it doesn't matter because I'm a Professional Writer and thus I get to make up my own rules. I could even write a whole story within the confines of this parenthetical reference if I wanted to. But as a Reader, you can't do anything but read everything that was placed within the...hey! Where are you going? You're supposed to Read what I Write, Reader! Don't you dare leave this parenthetical reference until you've consumed every word, you sick bastard!) and just take it. But not me! I like to give! I give all day long! Although sometimes I need a break and I read. But I don't read nearly as much as I used to, for some reason! Here is a list of the books I read this year:

1. Hitchhiker's Guide To Some Galaxy or Something (reread. As if I have enough years left in my life to be rereading things! What am I doing?!)
2. The Restaurant in Some Galaxy's Ending or Something (reread)
3. Life, The Universe, Or Something (reread)
4. So Long, and Thanks for Nothing (reread)
5. Mostly Something (reread)
6. LOLita
7. The Last Uniporn

That's it! If you don't count all of the comics that I read so that I have material to Write about. You can't just make up stuff to Write right out of your head! You need Inspiration and Mooses! The Moose that inspires me the most is Clytaemnestra because her name sounds dirty twice! And I don't want any smart Trebeks telling me who I can have for a Moose! I'm the Writer here!

Does anybody remember what happened when Batman Loved Superman last issue? No? Okay then, we'll just start over.

The Reboot Lord Satanus is completely different from the Preboot version. The Preboot version spelled his name Lord Satanis!

Here's an excerpt from Lord Satanis's entry in "Who's Who Volume XIII" (how do you pronounce that?! "Zheeeee!") from March 1986:

"Much of Lord Satanis' background is still wrapped in mystery. We have never seen his unmasked face. He stated that he took the name Satanis from Satan, but never revealed his real name."

I'm glad Lord Satanis cleared up where he came up with the name! I like the new spelling because now he can say his name is in reference to how he's resting on his laurels. Because it combines "sat" with "anus," duh!

That was a weird excerpt from Who's Who, wasn't it? It's like the entry was talking directly to me when it used the pronoun "we"!

As a Writer, I get to decide which grammar and writing rules I want to use and which ones I think are for Amateurs so they don't completely embarrass themselves while trying to write. So I would have said "Lord Satanis's" instead of "Lord Satanis'" because when I say it directly out of my mouth and out loud, it sounds like I'm saying "Satanis's"! That's another rule I don't like! The one about putting punctuation inside of the quotation mark at the end of the sentence. In some cases, it's absolutely essential to do it the correct way. But if I had put the exclamation point inside the quote along with Satanis's, you would have thought that the word "Satanis's" was super exciting and not my previous sentence! I also use lots and lots of exclamation points because you probably can't believe how exciting everything I write is and I like to help you to believe!

Enough about my Writing Process! I can't give away all of my secrets or else you might become as good as me and take my job. And nobody wants to read anything written by a reader!

Kaiyo makes a deal with Lord Satanus which ignores how they met and who Lord Satanus actually is and what is going on. That might take up too many pages. Besides, it's a comic book, so you can probably glean all of that from the pictures. The pictures suggest that Lord Satanus, Ruler of Earth's Dark Realm, lives in a hole near the Earth. Is that where Earth's Dark Realm is located? I would have guessed it was in the ground, especially since the person lording over it is named Satanus. Because an anus is like a hole in the ground!

The pictures also suggest that Kaiyo likes to nap in Earth's orbit and she just happened to nap too close to Lord Satanus's hole this time. Now she either has to feed herself to him or give him Blank Slate Batman and Superman to play with. Or with which to play, if you're a dyed-dactyl jerko. That reminds me! Kaiyo took away Batman and Superman's memory at the end of last issue because Kaiyo is the Apokoliptian version of Mytzlmite.

Good old Clark Kent, reporter! Even with amnesia, he still remembers to ask the Five "W"s: what, why, where, who, and whow.

Catwoman is the person asking Superman if it hurt. She's just using a pick up line because she likes having sex with super heroes. She doesn't know this person is a superhero, of course, even though he isn't wearing his glasses. She's probably looking at his spit curl and not his spit curl, if you know what I mean and aren't overly confused by the fact that I said the same thing twice but meant two very different things. One of the things I meant was a diddly-doo!

Catwoman never gets the chance to make Batman super jealous because a big robot monster chases her away. Meanwhile, Superman gets tetanus in his butthole.

Batman also reappears in Gotham but he gets to keep his bat-clothing.

Also, he's not a reporter so he only knows the one "W."

Batman and The Scarecrow are in the middle of a battle and even though Batman doesn't remember how to be Batman, his body remembers how to be Batman. I guess that's the same way that when people get amnesia, they generally still can speak their native language. Unless they can't! I'm not a doctor or a parasicklologist or anything, so I can't be certain that people can still speak after receiving amnesia. There are probably different levels of amnesia depending on how many people you want thinking you've forgotten about them so that you don't have to go to their stupid parties anymore. "What? Teleman who? I have no idea who you are or that you sent me an evite to your dumb dumb Murder Mystery Party! I'm pretty sure I'm busy that night, if I'm remembering correctly. I mean, plus I don't know you, jerko."

That last sentence in the quotation marks was me, Grunion Guy, acting like I had amnesia and talking to my coworker, Teleman, who is a big idiot.

The Scarecrow hits Batman with fear toxin but since Batman has forgotten everything that he's afraid of, it has no effect on him. The Scarecrow, being a parasicklologist, should have guessed that would happen! But I guess he forgot that Batman has amnesia! He should have been reading the comic book more closely.

Batman has also forgotten that he's afraid to shoot criminals and he tries to shoot the Scarecrow. The Scarecrow forgot that you're supposed to poop in toilets and now needs a new costume.

No, Batman loves Superman, you stupid wall. Although maybe DC needs a Catwoman Loves Batman comic book which only tells stories of their hookups.

I said, "Catwoman Loves Batman!" Enh, Batman's a withholding jerko. Catwoman needs to get it wherever she can.

What was Catwoman stealing from the Gotham City Junkyard? No, no. Nevermind. I'm sure Ann Nocenti had a very dumb plot device that explains it all. Well, the plot doesn't explain it. But Ann Nocenti probably explained it in an interview so that if you read the Catwoman Junkyard story, and thought, "What the doo doo was that?", and then you read her interview explaining the doo doo, you'd say, "Is she talking about the story I just read? Or any of her stories I read? Why can't she translate her seemingly interesting ideas into coherent scripts?!"

Catwoman explains to the naked man that she somehow doesn't know is Superman that the robots that attacked her were built by somebody named Mangubat. I don't like the sound of that! It's like Man-Bat with "gu" in the middle!

Meanwhile, through a series of lucky accidents, Batman finds his way back to the Bat-cave where he's hosting a benefit for Gentrifying Downtown. Luckily Alfred walks him through what he needs to know via some kind of inner ear intercom, and a woman at the party reminds him that he's Bruce Wayne, the richest and sexiest man in Gotham City. Now he knows everything I know about Bruce Wayne! He's practically got his memory back!

Lois Lane appears in a train on the way to Gotham. I knew she'd be in the comic book because she was on the cover and I looked at the cover. It's what makes me such a good Writer because I observe subtleties like that. The train Lois is on is one of Mangubat's robots and he uses it to kidnap her. Or he tries to. Superman, having been briefed by Catwoman (I'm assuming because he's now wearing a Superman belt which Selina probably purchased at Hot Topic and thought it would be clever to give him along with some tight leather pants), decides to destroy the train. I guess he has forgotten that trains usually carry innocent passengers. He does save Lois though because he always saves Lois when she gets in over her head on a dangerous investigation. And then he asks her who Superman is and then Catwoman laughs and then the the passengers on the train die screaming and then the issue is over and then it's time for Futures End. I wonder if this story was supposed to be finished before Futures End began but Jae Lee took too long with the art because Jae Lee always takes too long with the art. Unless he doesn't. I just made that up because his art looks like the kind of art that always misses deadlines.

Batman Loves Superman #13 Rating: No change. I often complain about how Scott Lobdell can only write stories that involve alternate dimensions because he's lazy and can't come up with any other stories other than the one he wrote for X-men and now rewrites constantly. And now I think I need to complain about Greg Pak and the way he writes stories that involve Batman and Superman being put in situations that use amnesia to resolve. First he has them transplanted to another world to forget about what happened there. Now he has them transplanted back from that world where they were retransplanted to remember what happened there only to now have forgotten again. Then you have the Toyman/Mongul story that I've forgotten about because it was so terrible. Are they ever going to take part in a story they get to remember? I bet at the end of Doomed, everybody in the entire world forgets about Doomsday and how Lois was responsible for killing thousands of people in Metropolis. Also, what was up with Lord Satanus? Why couldn't Kaiyo still be responsible for these shenanigans? Did we really need another ultra-powerful, less comical Bat-ptlk?

Secret Origins #5

Crap. Why is DC allowing Scott Lobdell to write so many origin stories?

I don't actually know if Scott Lobdell is writing the Red Hood origin story but he's written every other origin of the characters he's been kind of given charge of since The New 52 began. I wonder if I can send those pages back to DC for a partial discount?

Cyborg
Here's what I remember about Cyborg's origin from the Preboot era: he caught the winning touchdown at a local high school football game but the football was unstable and blew up in his face. He was rushed to STAR Labs where the doctor said, "I can't work on this man! He's my son!" And everybody went, "But his dad was killed in the accident too! How can he be your son?!" And then the doctor went, "Because I'm his mom, you sexist assholes! Why is that 'Mind Teaser' so fucking hard for people to figure out?! What is wrong with everybody?!"

Actually, Cyborg's life was saved by his dad who worked for STAR Labs. I can't remember how he got all fucked up in the Preboot era. It's been a long time since I read those stories! In the Reboot, he got all fucked up in some kind of Apokoliptian Boom Tube catastrophe. I think. Anyway, it should all be explained soon.

Oh, Marv Wolfman is writing this? Then I suspect Victor Stone was raped by a Parademon and then by a Hunger Dog and then by a Female Fury and then by a Mother Box. All that was left of him after that was scraped into a titanium shell and plugged into a wall socket.

The story begins with Victor and his dad discussing ways to do something technical and uninteresting.

Why would you think about the thermal imaging when it's going to be twice as long to get the results?! Half as fast is slower than what you're currently doing! Now if you got them "in half the time" or "twice as fast" then maybe you should consider it.

I should apologize. What they are discussing is so boring that I'm not really paying attention. Maybe the goal is to get results slower. Scientists! Who can tell what they really want besides the downfall of civilization and the death of God.

Victor reminisces about the good old days when he had a penis and groupies to use his penis on. But his father did not like all of Victor's extracurricular penis activities. He wanted Victor to use his brain! What a boring old man!

"But I want to use my peeeeenis!"

Some time later, Victor gets blasted by a Boom Tube while in his father's lab. I'm sure his dad had nothing to do with it even though it looked like it was aimed directly at his penis. Victor was nearly killed! Luckily, the DC Universe is full of nanites and Doctor Stone happened to have access to the super popular Promethium Nanites! He would rebuild his son and he'd rebuild him in such a way that he'd have to use his brain because he would no longer have a penis. He would have a disk drive instead of a sex drive!

Cyborg Secret Origin Rating: No change. I suppose we're supposed to learn that Victor's dad loved him or something. Also, Victor is driven to do what he does so that he can prove his father wrong about penises. They aren't inherently bad! It's all in the way you use them and/or Marv Wolfman writes about them.

Red Hood
I never read the return of Jason Todd. I also don't really remembering reading many Jason Todd stories back before he was killed off. And I guess how he became Robin originally doesn't matter at all because Scott Lobdell is going to tell the tale and it's going to be complete ass. Previously, Lobdell's origin of Red Hood had The Joker manipulating Jason Todd's entire life so that he would be picked to become Robin by Batman. But The Joker was telling the story, so it must have all been bullshit. How else could the editors allow such a story to become canon? Especially when the story only made sense if The Joker knew that Batman was Bruce Wayne. And DC has been trying to keep that as ambiguous as possible. Although every Death of the Family tie-in issue that Lobdell wrote, he fucked it up and wrote things that could only be possible if The Joker knew the secret identities of the Bat-Family members. I always got the feeling that editors didn't give a shit what Lobdell wrote simply because he made deadlines and made their jobs easier. And then Scott Lobdell admitted that the only way he broke into comics was because he figured out ways to make the editor's job easier.

This story is only about eight pages long but it contains five thousand Narration Boxes, so it might take me a few hours to read. It's practically a book! Does Scott Lobdell know what comic books are? He does know that they rely on pictures and, as a comic book writer, you're supposed to let the pictures do the heavy lifting, right?

This is the kid Batman chooses as his partner? A boy that can't even answer a yes/no question correctly?

Bruce and Alfred ask Jason to be Robin because, oh, who the fuck knows. Because he was an orphan and a criminal? Because he was completely and utterly trustworthy enough to know Batman's secret identity? Because he was good at jumping fences? The story doesn't exactly explain what Batman saw in Jason Todd except for the orphan stuff. Maybe it was because Dr. Thompkins asked Bruce to take in the kid because he was really pissing her off. Anyway, this isn't a Robin Secret Origin! It's a Red Hood Secret Origin! Let's get to the crowbar already!

Ah! There we go! Maybe I should stop reading here and leave him dead? Will that cause my Red Hood comic books to disappear?

If Jason Todd's mom died in his arms, why did he go to the Middle East to save her? He should have more confidence in his ability to determine if somebody is dead or not. Also, what happened to his mom's child, his little sibling? Hunh? Answer that! I think Joker Jr. is out there somewhere waiting to be written better than The Joker's Daughter.

Later he crawls from a grave then he takes a dip in a Lazarus Pit then he meets Ducra then he wrestles Essence then he acts like an asshole then oh who fucking cares. Fuck you, Scott Lobdell.

Red Hood Origin Story Rating: -3 Ranking. This story is really just a fucking list of moments in Jason Todd's "life." Snapshots, I guess you'd say if you were trying to point out how the story was decently written. But then you'd have to live with the shame of lying to yourself. Scott Lobdell may know how to fill pages but he certainly doesn't know how to tell a story.

Mera
Mera's secret origin has to do with being a costumed performer on skis with some water world park in Florida, I think. Or she was the Queen of some offshoot of the Atlanteans. I think she met Aquaman one day as Aquaman stopped some corporate assholes from drilling off the coast by throwing fruit pies at them. He gave her one and she fell in love.

Mera was given the job of assassinating the King of Atlantis for banishing and imprisoning her people of Xebel. Instead she falls in love with him. Could you mess up a job more fully than that?!

Hells yes she's more impressive.

Once Mera gets out of Xebel, she listens to a seashell with a message from her mother. Her mother clarifies her mission. It isn't to kill the king of Atlantis at all! It's to fall in love! So she did get her mission right!

Actually, her real mission is just to get her ass away from Xebel's patriarchal bullshit and become her own woman. The message doesn't say anything about getting involved with a man that isn't fit to cut her toenails but she does that as well.

Mera Secret Origin Rating: No change. The most surprising part of this secret origin was Aquaman's sideburns.