Justice League #33

Oh! I have a ring somewhat similar to that! And I live in Portland! Maybe I'm Power Ring!

Here is my Power Ring ring:

Apparently, like Ms. Marvel, I can make my hand grow freakishly large.

Okay, so it's not that similar to it. But they both have butterflies because butterflies are the master of chaos and we're both totally into chaos! Plus mine looks nicer because it's not all green. Although it would look even nicer if it were made from something other than pewter. Stupid children's jewelry. It's the only jewelry worth wearing. I also exclusively wear children's sunglasses. Do I need to take a picture of that too?

It's hard to tell how pink the lenses are since my face has decided to look excessively pink this morning. We'll pretend it's the lighting and the glasses and not the roseacea God cursed me with. Unless it's my Asian Flush, but I don't think I've been drinking yet this morning.

Okay, now that I've uncomfortably put a picture of myself up on the web and am feeling incredibly sick to my stomach with worry that some long lost relative will recognize me and try to get in touch with me, I'm probably in the perfect mood to read Justice League!

Last issue, Lex Luthor was threatening Niles Caulder's spine. Niles and Lex know each other because you'd obviously know all the other people that were vying for smartest person on Earth. In my first year end review of The New 52 in October 2012, I stated that I thought Lex Luthor and Niles Caulder were the only two people smarter than Mister Terrific. I hope they discuss their Smart Guy Feud as they battle for who gets possession of the Power Ring!

Last issue, Elasti-Girl was referred to as "Rita Starr" and then once, by Element Woman, as "Ms. Farr." I thought the Ms. Farr was a mistake and Johns had decided to change her name. I guess Rita Starr was the mistake. Or, since Geoff Johns can't stand mistakes and must eventually turn them into cosmic crises, Rita Starr will probably wind up being Rita Farr's stage name and not a typo.

So far, I do not like the way Geoff Johns is portraying my precious Doom Patrol and I hope he's too busy to take over their title whenever they get a monthly. Perhaps I should be dismayed by how he's portraying the Justice League and the way they're reacting to The Doom Patrol as freaks and abnormalities. What the fuck makes The Doom Patrol so different from them? Aquaman is better than Larry Trainor because he doesn't have to wear bandages? The orange and green suit is so much more "normal." Cliff Steele is a freak but Cyborg is somehow socially acceptable? Element Woman was supposed to be on their team but they simply forgot about her after Forever Evil. Did they forget about her because she was too weird for them? The Doom Patrol weren't losers and outcasts because they "looked weird." They were regular people that survived catastrophes and bonded together to help each other out. It wasn't their fault they wound up fighting all the strange shit in the corners of the DC Universe! The Justice League wishes they had such fascinating foes!

Celsius was The Chief's wife and Tempest was Joshua Clay. I don't think they appeared in the Doom Patrol's brief, earlier appearance. I think that was just Karma and Scorch. I'd check my comics but my cat, Judas, is snoring away on top of the comic book boxes.

While the Justice League and the Doom Patrol battle each other for the right to stop Power Ring, Power Ring wakes up. That's when Shazam threatens to arrest her for hurting Cyborg even though it was Cyborg who assaulted her by sticking his connector cables into her power ring. But then, Shazam is just a little boy with no understanding of complex interactions between adults.

Power Ring lets off a signal which alerts the Anti-Monitor to New Earth's presence. He's now headed to Earth 0 to trample its sand castles.

The Justice League continues to battle the Doom Patrol because the Justice League is full of stupid morons that believe punching people until those people follow their orders is the only answer to any conflict. So, you know, like police officers.

While Batman and the Justice League do what Lex asks of them (probably because Batman fears Lex will give up his secret identity if he doesn't. Batman has been compromised!), Lex and Niles battle for control of the Power Ring.

Okay, maybe Batman isn't compromised. He also wants his teammates out of the picture while he selfishly saves the day with his own brilliant plan.

Oh, I see! The League does whatever you say, hunh, Batman?

And what does Batman want the League to do next? Why, ask Lex Luthor to join! So that's what they agree to do, since it was decided early on to do whatever Batman wants them to do. Lex Luthor is now an official member of the Justice League!

Justice League #33 Rating: No change. I hope the Doom Patrol gets treated right whenever they get their own monthly series. This abused spouse relationship they have going on with Niles Caulder doesn't fit them. They were never brow beaten into helping Niles. He was the forever manipulating his spouse kind of abuser and not the "do what I say or I'm going to punch you in the jaw" kind. They helped him not because he forced them to or guilted them into it. No, they helped him because he could always convince the Doom Patrol that people needed saving, or that the world was about to end, or that some shadowy government agency was trying to destroy all abnormalcy! The only thing the Doom Patrol really needed Niles Caulder for was replacement bodies for Cliff Steele. And even then, they usually got the new bodies from Will Magnus anyway!