Futures End #18

Hopefully the plot can finally start moving forward now that the September Futures End Pay Extra For Every Comic Book Extravaganza has begun.

For those of you keeping track of stupid statistics at home, last issue marked eighteen issues of Futures End (counting the Zero issue. I had to explain that for everybody who instantly thought, "He's a fucking idiot that can't do math.") with only three big reveals. And two of them--the non-Brainiac is the enemy two--happened last issue. The first was that Booster Gold now has the power to transform himself into a teenaged boy named Billy. And the other was that Superman was living in Africa as a mole. I expect this issue to be chock full of revelations that have to do with all of the characters featured in the Futures End issues that came out this month. If not, I'm going to curse under my breath by saying, "Aw, shucks."

The inside front cover has an advert for Earth 2 Action Figures. Why is Replacement Batman holding a Batarang instead of a bottle of Miraclo pills? And why release figures for Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman before Doctor Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, Val-el, and Tornado Lane? At least those characters are still alive. I don't want to buy three action figures which I'll have to pretend are dead the whole time I'm playing with them!

There was nothing more annoying than playing with action figures with friends that felt they needed to stick to movie or cartoon canon. My Star Wars figures drove around in Barbie's Corvette. A few of the figures, my personal favorites, had stupid personalities and talked like morons the entire time. Those figures were Stormtrooper, Death Star Droid, Death Squad Commander (who we called "Buck"), Chewbacca, and X-wing Luke. These guys also had the power to form a kite (three at a time for the body, tail, and string) and fly anywhere they wanted in the neighborhood.

Last issue, Constantine had finally found the real Superman, not some Billy Batson wannabe ripoff. But Kal-el has no interest in saving the world. Probably because he grew tired of the world not giving a shit, or being afraid of him when Lobdell was writing the story, or just constantly taking him for granted.

Turning your back on the world sounds so relaxing!

Forget being lectured to by a drunk, Superman! You're being lectured to by a guy that doesn't give a fuck about the world. The only reason Constantine cares is that if the world is gone, he's gone. So he's really just fighting for his own life. And he's not even fighting. He's just gone on a quest to find somebody to fight for him.

Constantine has told Superman that, like it or not, he's involved since Brainiac has sent The Mighty Morhpin' Anger Ranger after him. So Kal-el can continue to help farm the fields but it'll be tough to ignore the Anger Ranger beating him about the face in a few hours.

Meanwhile back in Metropolis, Lois Lane guesses Billy Batson's age at about twenty. So now she feels like an old cougar since she's been chasing this young buck around Metropolis. But they don't have much time to talk since Rampage has to--for something like the tenth issue straight--rampage.

Maybe if you tried calling her "Fuzzy Kitten Socks," she'll calm the fuck down.

Lois, being the great investigative reporter she is, screams Rampage's name so that anybody watching will know what's going on. You can't understand what you're seeing unless a reporter or newscaster is there to describe everything as you watch it! Newscasters do know that television is a visual medium, right? When they show a video of a car overturning on the highway, they don't have to say, "It's going to overturn here in a seco--right there! Did you see it?"

Rampage throws Billy across the street and luckily he's caught by some black guy wearing an American cape or somethi--?

Oh, thanks Lois. Good thing we had a reporter on the scene!

You know, I really rake newscasters over the coals pretty savagely. I suppose nobody reading my comic book commentaries works in local news because they're all too arrogant to ever pay attention to anything that didn't make them seem like the most helpful person in the community. Maybe if I took a video of a goat kicking the ass of a raccoon, I might get noticed since they always need lots and lots of viral internet bullshit to pad their excessively long broadcasts that never impart any knowledge that anybody actually needs to know.

That's a nice sentiment, Stormguard. You'd just let Lois die if Superman hadn't weakened Rampage, would you?

Stormguard puts down Rampage and then takes Lois and Billy up to the Justice League Defense Station Omega, or JLDSO for stupid. Lois suddenly begins ranting about how this is a huge story and she has to tell it because the first amendment gives her the right to tell it and it's news and nobody has any right to sit on news! Shut the fuck up, Lois. Stop rationalizing your need for attention. You just have to be the one to break this story to prove that you're the greatest investigative journalist in the fucking world! I get transparency is an optimal situation. But sometimes people don't want to know that Superman is actually a twenty year old asshat with a juvenile criminal record. I mean, I think your masturbation schedule is news but I doubt you're going to go ahead and publish that, right Lois? You have no right to sit on how many times a day you sit on your vibrator!

Meanwhile, Big Barda, John Diggle, and Emiko land on an island where the reader learns the most depressing news of the entire Futures End series so far: Green Arrow isn't actually dead. He's creating a Secret Army (TM) for a Secret War (TM) to fight for the rights of the Twofers! I wonder if Green Arrow Island is the same island as Cadmus Island but nobody has noticed yet!

Over on Cadmus Island, all of the Twofers have escaped because they're suddenly being controlled by Brainiac. He gained access to their bodies from the DNA sniffers that were implanted in all of the prisoners. Now Deathstroke, Lana Lang, Grifter, and Fifty Sue are being hunted by a bunch of Earth 2 superheroes. Although Fifty Sue went off to see the A.I. behind the curtain. Also, Fifty Sue was an experiment by Cadmus to create a superhero. Also, as you can see, I've reached the part of my commentary where I simply explain the salient points of the plot so the me in the future that can't remember things very well will remember what was happening in Futures End when I read Issue #19.

Fifty Sue consulting the artificial intelligence behind the curtain.

And finally--FINALLY--Batwing and The Key and Coil and Plastique break-in to Terrifitech.

Futures End #18 Rating: No change. The ball is finally rolling! By next issue, it should gain enough momentum for things to actually be exciting and full of excitement! Hopefully all the special Futures End comic books add something to the overall story.