Stormwatch #28

Have you ever opened your eyes in the still darkness, groggy from sleep, still enmeshed in a hazy dreamworld quickly fading from memory, struggling with your identity and hoping against all hope that it's not actually the one currently coalescing in your mind? This cover gives me that feeling.

In your life, you have done things that you would not tell your most intimate of confidants. These are secrets that warp your public persona. They are pieces of the essential you that nobody ever gets to see and, often, which you try to deny yourself. And yet without knowing these hidden and secret pieces, nobody can ever know the true you. You might believe that nobody needs to know some of these things you've done because that isn't you anymore. You've changed. You know better now. But these dark secrets still haunt you. You realize you are less than everybody else because you ignore the simple truth that they all have dark secrets themselves, different yet essentially the same. Shameful. Disgusting. Horrific. But it is the truth and we hide it and we live lies because you can't imagine anybody ever looking you in the eye after learning of the things, perhaps simply the one thing, you've done. You view them as mistakes but they are not mistakes. They were choices. And they have formed the essential you whether or not you care to incorporate them into your public version, The You Lite, that you present to others.

But some people do not get the luxury of hiding their most shameful moments in the fog of the past. Some people, like Jim Starlin, have exposed the weeping innards of their soul in the current run of Stormwatch and I cannot tear my eyes away. It is as if I walked in to a nursery to view the beautiful sleeping child at rest in its crib only to find Jim Starlin squatting over its tender form to touch his penis to its lips. I do not mean this in a sexual way, mind you. It is an analogy only in presenting a situation that would bring extreme discomfort between the person involved in the situation and the viewer of said situation. To be caught in the grip of a compulsion that cannot be helped and cannot be stopped by one's own logic or willpower. And to be caught in the acting out of that compulsion. We keep our secrets not just because we fear the judgment that will be heaped upon us but also because we do not want to make others feel uncomfortable around us. It is a politeness, this hiding of our past shame.

And yet Jim Starlin probably feels no shame for the comic book he is currently producing in the public sphere. And that leads the individual to another feeling altogether: envy. How is it that Jim Starlin does not have the capacity to understand that he is making us all uncomfortable? And why can't I feel the same obliviousness toward others? How can I learn to express my embarrassingly honest self without noticing the squeamish looks on the faces of loved ones, without feeling each ragged cut of rejection as they turn away from me having seen the atrocities which I am capable of committing? And how can I develop the gall to ask people to pay money for these wanton acts of self-destruction, these minute obliterations of all decency?

It is true, is it not? Have you ever seen somebody at a party do that very thing that you hide deep down in your well of perversions and think, "Is that acceptable? Have I been deluded in my shame my entire life? Why can I not feel as free as this one, happy and oblivious in her discomfiting the rest of us?" But we know that she has a hidden secret that would mar her public persona as well, different but just as damaging as the secrets we hide. Each has a peculiar ability to skewer, deflate, disintegrate the person others view us as. Should we care? Is there an authentic self? Does it even exist if one cannot be completely known by any other? Should we all present to the public our own Stormwatch?

No. Secret selves are the glue that bind civilization and allow us to walk amongst each other. How could I sit at a table with my back to the unending stream of unknowable people if I knew what they were truly capable of? We can deny and ignore the depths of our own depravity. But once you learn the depths of another's, you never forget. And so, Jim Starlin, you baby face penis rubber, I will always remember that you once opened up your mind and exposed to me the Magenta Timelords Stormwatch Arc and, due to your carelessness you displayed in hiding your shame, I will never feel comfortable reading any of your stories.

Besides, they all feature Warworld anyway. Seriously, dude. Enough with the Warworld. What the fuck is that a metaphor for anyway? Your mother's womb? Your uncle's dingy, dark basement? Your first flowering crush who, upon finding out you liked her, called you a fat fucking twerp right to your face? No, no. Forget I asked. Why you developed Warworld is probably that part of yourself that you can never let anybody see. Stormwatch is nothing in comparison. What I should be asking is why does this Extremax story arc make me feel so uncomfortable? Why am I envious of your ability to expose this part of yourself whereas I would be exposing too much of the hidden me?

Perhaps I should just ignore the questions and treat this day like every other, passing the time in tiny moments of blissfully distracting mundanities as I wander the paths of time's labyrinth, ignoring the dead ends I can no longer talk about and pretending not to notice the animal grunting that gets closer and closer every year as I anticipate, both anxiously and with dread, the day I finally feel the hot breath on my neck and the oblivion of the rending teeth.

How do they plan on doing it? I'd guess a T-1000. Or a meteor although, time being what it is, that obviously didn't work.

Yes, the Crayola Timelords decide to use the asteroid plummeting to the Earth's surface that eventually wipes out the dinosaurs. They choose to move it so that it impacts the land and destroys all life. But, time being what it is, Excremax the Ohmergerd causes the asteroid to explode in the sky which does that thing that happens eventually where the dinosaurs die and mammals take over. You know, time being what it is. Or as Lost often said, "Whatever happened, happened." Unless Lost never said that at all. Or was even a thing. Did I dream that television show?

The rest of the drama plays out with Excremax the Ohmergerd explaining what needs to happen to Jenny Soul and then explaining what needs to happen next because of how Jenny Soul fucked up what she was supposed to do the first time.

Excremax: "There is a Crayola Timelord that needs to die or else all life on Earth will perish!"
Jenny Soul: "Okay! I killed it! Yay me!"
Excremax: "But you did not kill it quickly enough, you dumb shit. Now look what is happening! It sent out a help message and now help has arrived! This help will kill us both if we do not flee as quickly as possible."
Jenny Soul: "But where do we go?"
Excremax: "We now flee to The Bleed!"
Jenny Soul: "Why the fuck didn't you just bring us here in the first place instead of narrating all of that other shit? What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Excremax: "Now Jenny Soul gets uppity with me and questions why I do the things that I do! But now I will bring up the fact that I am about to mention that Jenny Soul is in need of a proper spanking!"
Jenny Soul: "Seriously?"
Excremax: "Now I am mentioning that Jenny Soul is in need of a proper spanking and I shall forthwith be pulling down her tiny panties so that I can slap her firm young sixteen year old ass!"
Jenny Soul: "And now Jenny Soul gets Excremax arrested for being a fucking pervy fucking weirdo. No offense, The Weird."

Meanwhile in ARGUS Headquarters, Hawkman has stopped J'onn J'onzz (actually Storm Control in disguise but Hawkman doesn't know that!) in the hallway to yell at him for being two hours early to a meeting. Really? That's suspicious? I suppose Hawkman always has a very large burr up his ass but this is a bit silly. How dare a member of the Justice League of America be found wandering ARGUS Headquarters early for a meeting by, let's see, another member of the Justice League of America busy wandering ARGUS Headquarters early for a meeting! I think it's more suspicious that Hawkman called out Martian Manhunter because it's like he's deflecting attention away from himself!

Apparently my initial assessment of this situation was spot on: Hawkman is just always fucking angry.

Storm Control manages to destroy the intel ARGUS had on Stormwatch and he then leaves ARGUS. Although his Martian Manhunter suit is apparently just a rubber costume and it fooled Hawkman, so Hawkman is a giant idiot. I guess it's hard to tell the difference between rubber and real when you have angry eyes. Storm Control uses his own palm print to gain access to the ARGUS Information Vault, so he's probably a clone of Steve Trevor.

Back to Jenny and Excremax, Excremax continues to narrate exactly what they're doing while Jenny says things like "Sure" and "Lead the way" and "I will not let my people die!" Excremax tells Jenny to create psychic avatars of "those she trusts" so of course she creates a bunch of mental versions of Stormwatch. Including Lobo who she, you know, totally trusts and shit.

Why? He's been narrating the action the entire time. I don't think Excremax is a character at all! He's writing this story as they go!

Excremax the Ohmergerd and Jenny Soul destroy the Sole Mind of the Crayola Timelords, destroying them completely. But this creates a backwash in reality that threatens to destroy them. Is that because the regular non-Crayola-Timelord-influenced timeline is returning?

No, that's not what it means. It's just a localized anomaly that Excremax is almost sucked into but Jenny Soul saves his life. And even though he promises Jenny that he will not harm Earth or anybody she cares about (nice selfish deal, kid), Excremax now has possession of the full Artifact that will supposedly make him the most powerful being in the Magenta Timeline. Right after Lobo, of course.

Stormwatch #28 Rating: -1 Ranking. What this comic book really needs is more Warworld.

Action Comics #28

Last issue, Superman just beat up Ukur The Beast Lord and his Beastly Sentinels which freed Imperial Subterranea. Now the Queen of the Sunturians Subterraneans is ecstatically preparing for war because everybody in comic books are violent and power hungry. Why can't Superman meet some nice people for a change? Maybe meet a new friend with similar interests like lording your might over the Earthlings and spending a lot of me time in the snow!

Greg Pak apparently can't write more than one comic book a month because he's just writing Batman Loves Superman hear except with Lana Lang playing the part of The Goddamned Batman. Superman thinks something. Then Lana Lang thinks about the same thing but from a different perspective. Then Clark thinks about how Lana was always so this and then Lana thinks about how Clark was always so that.

Besides Ukur and his beasts and the citizens of Imperial Subterranea, there are also these gigantic sun orbs underground.

Kokya the Queen of Imperial Subterranea appears and invites Lana Lang to join her for some lording of might over the peasants. Oh! Okay, there's that nice change of pace I was hoping for! Lana points out that Superman is her slave which makes Superman less comfortable than when Ukur points out that they smell like they're getting each other aroused. I wish this was a scratch and sniff comic book.

Oh yeah. I also forgot that Ghost Soldier was tracking Lana. So he'll probably ruin everybody's good time because he's bitter that his super hero (or villain) name sucks.

Before the party gets underway, Superman discovers that Imperial Subterranea is draining the life of the cute little underground fuzzies to power their sun orbs. And while Superman might look the other way when atrocities are being committed by Uplander human nations, he's not going to allow this kind of unjust treatment of these creatures to go on! But then Ghost Soldier isn't going to allow Superman to not allow this kind of unjust treatment of these creatures to go on. So he, you know, stops him by making him intangible.

Sure, when your best friend Batman says this kind of thing, you argue with him for hours. But a guy you don't know that recently stabbed you in the chest? Take his advice immediately! Superman is a dick.

Oh, Superman isn't as big a dick as I thought after reading the above. When he discusses these philosophical matters with Batman, he at least keeps from acting rashly and generally follows Batman's lead. Here he immediately agrees with Ghost Soldier but then does the exact opposite and attacks Imperial Subterranea anyway! Go Superman! Save the fuzzy wuzzies!

By the way, this is a Fuzzy Wuzzy.

The Queen was apparently expecting Lana and her Slave to try and free the Fuzzy Wuzzies because after Lana and Superman step up to defend the creatures, Queen Kokya says in Runespeak, "Well, that didn't take long. Thank you, Uplander. Now my debt to you is void." One thing I did finally learn about Runespeak from the Queen's Speech is that the capitalized version of a letter is just the same symbol turned upside down. That had been confusing me since I first translated the Runespeak. I knew capital letters were different from the normal alphabet but had yet to notice the pattern to them.

Now that The Queen's debt is paid, her army of stone golems rise up to march on the Uplanders. But Superman and Ghost Soldier and Lana Lang and Baka the Dragon Boy and Ukur the Beast Lord are all here to stop them, so things should settle down in a few pages. And since they're stone creatures, Superman probably feels free to murder them even though he has no idea what might be driving their consciousness.

Anyway, a bunch of rock guys get smashed, Dragon Boy and Lana Lang save a bunch of Fuzzy Wuzzies (and one slightly smaller than gigantic sun orb), and everybody escapes to the surface to get betrayed by Ghost Soldier.

Enh. No big loss.

Action Comics #28 Rating: -1 Ranking. The Fuzzy Wuzzies were the only thing that held my interest this month. It might not be fair to Action Comics since I'm really not in the mood to be reading comic books or writing commentary. But if I don't get at least two done per day, I begin to fall way behind and I'm already a week behind schedule. But right now I've got that nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach like my entire life is falling apart and I don't know why and I just want to crawl into bed and watch stupid movies with my cat on my lap. So, you know, sorry about that Superman and Lana Lang but I probably wasn't really paying much attention to you this month.

Red Lanterns #28

DC probably believed this book's presentation represents the Yin and the Yang of Hal Jordan and Guy Gardner. But we all know it's really a tastefully rendered display of the two of them 69ing.

I think the biggest blow to childhood innocence is when one learns of the act of 69ing. To learn that two adults shove their faces into the genitals of the other at the same time for a tremendously pleasurable experience has to be a surreal moment in the accumulation of knowledge and experience. And then, of course, the number 69 is ruined for all time, as well as the other representations of the same image such as the Taijitu and the Pisces Fish. The Ouroboros and auto-fellatio are usually discovered later and by then a person's innocence has been so worn away, replaced by the plaster of cynicism, that the biggest reaction one can give is a slight shoulder shrug and a slimy smile.

So Hal Jordan had arrived on Ysmault to discuss the Supergirl Problem with Guy Gardner only to learn that he and Guy had had a misunderstanding previously. Hal promised the Red Lanterns a sector of space to patrol and Guy took Sector 2814. Hal was thinking more like Sector 666 or Sector Let's Fuck Everybody That Lives In The Sector Sector. Although historically, I think having The Red Lanterns patrol your sector couldn't be any more damaging than having the fucking Green Lanterns patrolling your Sector. Anyway, let's see how they talk it out instead of punching it out as I've heard they do from Mr. Spoiler McSpoilerhead the Spoileriest.

But first, the story from Red Lanterns #27 needs to conclude. That was where Zilius Zox was researching the human testicle and Shadow Thief got all offended just like some thin-skinned, no sense of humor, Israeli soldier xenophobe would. I threw the Israeli soldier part in there because Shadow Thief is one and not that I think Israeli soldiers murder at the mention of testicles. I think they're trained to murder at the mention of other words like "Palestinian" and "Iranian" and, in the past, "Egyptian."

Guy Gardner and Ice have arrived to deescalate the situation in a diplomatic way since Guy Gardner wants to touch Ice's butt and she won't let him if he lets his anger control him.

It's not exactly "hate speech," Guy. It's probably more of a reaction to growing up in a country that happens to see a lot of bombings in public areas killing civilians. And those bombings, regardless of the political and social climates surrounding the causes of those bombings, were usually perpetrated by people that looked differently from Shadow Thief and her peers. She's probably just reacting in an extremely unhealthy way to post traumatic stress and she needs help. Also, Guy, how many aliens have you beat the fuck out of simply because they looked like "monsters"? Jerko.

The reason Skallox and Zilius Zox are having trouble defeating the Shadow Thief is because they are stupid. Also part of the problem is that the light energy from their rings dissolves in her shadow power. But what about their lava vomit? Can't they use that? Or does a dunk in the Blood Ocean cure a Red Lantern of their ability to spew hot lava? Guy's plan is to just turn up the lights so that the shadows retreat into only the really scary corners of the room (as well as under the bed and into the closet).

Bom Chikka Bom Bom

I almost forgot that this battle was taking place in France but luckily the Eiffel Tower makes a number of appearances in the background since the small are of Paris around the tower is the only part of France that actually exists in the DC Universe. Shadow Thief's suit is disabled and Ice wraps her up in a frozen cocoon. It's at that point that Soule shows us just how psychologically damaged The Shadow Thief really is.

So her anger is just a manifestation of her own closeted lust for alien boners?

Afterward, Ice doesn't let Guy down easily. She does let him down though. Unless she just isn't interested in dinner. She sort of answers his question about dinner in a weird way. Luckily, as Gardner flies off brokenhearted, he remembers the rest of the conversation where Ice tells him, "You are in no way putting a penis that shoots flaming hot lava into my ice cold lady cave. See me again once Saint Walker has sucked the rage out of you. We'll talk then." Unless she says something different. I think the sentiment is the same. Anyway, Guy and Zox and Skallox leave Earth and head back to Ysmault where they're going to have to deal with Hal Jordan.

Jordan's initial reaction to learning Guy has taken Sector The Sector With Earth In It (2814!) is, "What? But I was going to give you that shitty Sector that Larfleeze is from! You know, the one with the hot Tamaraneans in it? Yeah? Hunh? Think about that! Apparently they love to have sex and forget your name!"

I think my mom dated this guy in the late seventies.

Guy calms down when he realizes a really spectacularly cute butt has been brought to Ysmault. He has no idea who Supergirl is or why she's wearing a Red Ring. As he and Hal try to figure it out, Zox squares off with B'ox. Though there's no sign of a fox in socks or beetles in a bottle having a battle.

Guy does learn that before he showed up, Atrocitus sent out nine Red Rings to make new recruits. So Supergirl is wearing one of those. Guy doesn't know it yet but Atrocitus is also wearing one. So that makes seven other ring wraiths out there doing Chaos knows what.

Face punching time!

"Hi! I'm Supergirl! Pleased as punch to meet you! Ha ha!"

Dammit. I've just scanned two pictures in a row with nothing much to say and now I want to scan another one! Oh sure! You people love it! "Yes! More scans of the actual comic and less of that rambling asshole!" Fuck you!

I love New 52 Supergirl so much.

Meanwhile on the planet Groy, Dex-Starr is displaying his talent for making light constructs now that he's drunk deeply of Rankorr's blood. Just like a cat to take any opportunity to get a taste of a human. Dex-Starr has created a tiger which is a bit like a tiny penis with a Lantern Ring creating an enormous penis to fight its battles for it. Fighting by Dex-Starr's side is a the new Red Lantern, Klarn! She's a giant alien cricket that can suck down light energy and regurgitate it at will. She's a blast at orgies. Rankorr tells Bleez to flee and warn the others that Atrocitus is back while he stays behind to die. Not that he wants to die but he has to keep Atrocitus distracted as Bleez gets away!

Back on Ysmault, Hal and Guy hang out waiting for Supergirl to emerge from the Blood Ocean that they dunked her into. She should be a little more coherent after the dip. Hopefully she'll also finally have learned to stop punching newly-met people in the face.

But before she can appear, Charles Soule kills it with Hal and Guy's conversation.

It's this writing that is why She-Hulk is sitting in my stack of comics.

Finally Kara emerges from the Blood Ocean and tells them her name. Hal recognizes Superman's family name and Guy realizes he's got a huge headache on his hands. At least she's got a really cute bum.

Red Lanterns #28 Rating: +2 Ranking. Charles Soule is fucking killing this book right now. Hopefully people will see how good it is with this special free copy piggybacking on Green Lantern and it'll start selling better. I don't know what its numbers are right now! I just hope they get even better! Charles Soule should write all the books.

Green Lantern #28

I haven't been this confused by a book since I read Danielewski's Only Revolutions.

Don't think I didn't consider doing a commentary for this comic book that when read backwards was the commentary for Red Lanterns #28! But even if I were some kind of genius of language, why the fuck would I put that kind of time into these commentaries? I already put too much thankless effort into this shit! Seriously, I don't know why I don't thank myself more! I should rectify that.

Hey Tess! Thank you for writing these synopses of every comic book that comes out each month so that I can look back from month to month and remember what was going on. Long gone are the days of picking up a new issue and not having any clue what had been happening in the book until I was five or six pages in and the fog began to clear and some of the memories, still half-covered in cobwebs, would begin to come back. Then I'd have to begin again with my newly remembered knowledge of the story. So, thank you, Tess. I really appreciate it. Although I'd appreciate it more if you would just fucking finish Places and Predators already! Jesus Christ. It's not even your magnum opus and you've been working on it for nearly ten years! You do know about mortality, right?

Fuck you, Tess! Stop wasting my time with some pandering, bullshit response to my commentaries! You're distracting me! How am I supposed to get anything done with your tongue up my ass? I only have a limited amount of time to get this shit done so how about you go fuck yourself?

Speaking of our incoming and unstoppable date with death, I saw a clip from Questioning Darwin where creationists talk about evolution and creationism. A guy named Doctor David Menton had this to say: "How do we deal with death? How does evolution deal with death?"

I'm not the arbiter of anything and I don't actually know what David is a "doctor" of, but I'm not sure you should be allowed to use a title that signifies to most people that you are intelligent when you clearly are not. If you have to ask "how does evolution deal with death" then you know fucking nothing of evolution. Which, actually, is the main problem with just about everybody I saw in the clip. They clearly knew nothing of evolution and didn't want to know. They simply dismissed anything in the world that didn't fit in with the things they desired to be true. They can't see that science doesn't think the same way they do although I believe they view it that way. They look at the world and go, "It's a miracle! I couldn't get pregnant and now God has given me seven children!" Science does the exact opposite. It looks at the world and says, "Oh, you can't have children? Let me inject you with menotropin which sciences the ovaries! Although it might cause you to have seven children, so be warned."

You know, I never set out to spew forth my thoughts about things that will cause me to lose Followers but I suppose that's what happens when I just let digressions and the random chaos in my brain take control. I should probably get to Green Lantern now since it begins with a Werewolf and a Frog flying through space and that has me interested.

Opposite side of the universe from what? From whatever is going on on page one of Red Lanterns #28?

Red Lantern Supergirl charges into these guys making me think, "Fucking what the fuck?" And then, of course, I get the helpful editorial note from Fucking Matt Idelson, Apparent Fucking Time Traveler, saying "How did this happen?" while putting one pinky up to the corner of his mouth and curtseying his miniskirt (which everyone from the future will be wearing, thank God). "Pick up Supergirl #28 in two weeks to find out! Tee hee!" How about you release Supergirl #28 two weeks before you put his comic book on the shelves, you booger eater? Now I have to feel inadequately informed while reading this super special double issue flipbook surprise! So my reaction has now gone from "Hey! This is a pretty interesting idea, DC!" to "Fuck you right in the fucking face you fuckers!"

Well, I suppose nothing can be done. I could stop complaining and simply put this comic off to the side and wait two more days since Supergirl #28 will be out this Wednesday. Or I could plow on mumbling and grumbling and swearing every fourth word. Yeah, I know which one I'd rather do too!

So what is Supergirl doing out in Sector 3014 which is, I suppose, on the "opposite side of the universe" *snicker*? Was she taking her cute little bum on an intergalactic tour? I sure wish I knew the story! Boy, that would be so much more satisfying if I knew all the components that led up to this moment! If only DC had the power to schedule their comic books themselves instead of being subject to the whims and machinations of God's will.

The Frog and the Werewolf don't so much defeat Supergirl as get beat up for so long that she eventually passes out from exhaustion. They case her up and head back to whatever end of the universe they're supposed to be in.

Back on Mogo, Hal Jordan is swearing in the new temporary recruits to fight against the Durlans.

Why the fuck did I read Green Lantern Corps Annual #2 when each villain gets a nice little synopsis in this one page?!

Why end the little oath with "so help you God"? Why not just end it "or we'll punch you in the nose"?

Vath and Graf continue to flirt with each other. It's only a matter of time until dicks find mouths with these two.

Froggy and the Werewolf (that sounds like a Morning Zoo Crew. Or a 1970s crime drama about two undercover cops working as long haul truckers) bring Supergirl to Mogo where she continues to hand them their asses. But the rest of the Green Lanterns subdue her and Hal Jordan discovers that she's Kryptonian. He hasn't been punched in the face yet by Supergirl. That's code for they have not yet met.

I know Mahmud Asrar isn't still drawing Supergirl's bum but I'm still kind of upset that it has yet to be shown.

Saint Walker is still moping so he's of no use to anybody but Mogo. They have grown to enjoy each other's company. I wonder where Mogo's erogenous zones are located?

Since Saint Walker can't help remove the Red Ring from Supergirl, Hal heads off to visit the Red Lanterns. He mentions something on the way that I've suspected: he did not want Guy and the Reds to be in charge of Sector 2814. Guy just jumped to conclusions. Hal is going to have a slight problem with that, I think. That's my Master Comic Book Reader of Dragons experience showing through!

Whoops!

Green Lantern #28 Rating: +1 Ranking. I forgot to be upset throughout the commentary over the mystery of how Supergirl became a Red Lantern! Oh well. This issue was good in a number of ways that made it good.

Green Lantern Corps Annual #2

It feels like we just had a Green Lantern Corps Annual!

I really kind of despise doing commentaries on the Annuals. But too many Annuals tie in to the main story nowadays to just disregard them. Remember the good old days when Annuals were simply a means to test out new writers and/or artists by telling a complete tale in one issue that didn't fuck with the current continuity of a character? No? Nobody remembers that? Then perhaps you remember when Annuals were a way to make the company a dickload of money by tying them into a huge summer blockbuster crossover event! Yeah, that usually sucked.

Anyway, I hate Annuals. I'd rather have a week off from buying fucking comic books. Dicks.

The issue begins with Mogo being invaded by a bunch of alien ships and one ship with a bunch of old Green Lantern foes who escaped when Relic attacked Oa back in the PreMogo Reboot PostCrisis days. According to the creative team's credits for this issue, this story may concentrate on who the villains are and how they chose so poorly that their lives became a constant stream of ass-poundings meted out by Green Lanterns. Also the story will be about each one getting another ass-pounding because Hal Jordan is pissed off and tired of being punched in the face by friends. Now it's time for him to do the face punching!

First up is Evil Star!

Well that's just...odd.

Ninety years ago, Evil Star self-administered a tattoo of a star to his chest. That tattoo was capable of sucking the life out of anybody that looked at it. Yeah, I know that feeling. I've had a few friends whose first tattoos did practically the same thing.

Also, that was the end of his origin! There must be a lot of villains to get through if we're keeping their origins to single pages!

Meanwhile John Stewart and his pals are battling a fleet of Khunds with ring draining weapons. Vash and Isamot are the first to fall.

Really Isamot? You can't bother to wear anything under your Green Lantern Energy Provided Uniform?

The rest fall quickly after this although we don't get to see John and Yrra in their underwear. Dammit.

Meanwhile on Durla where the Durlans live, Khurtz the Khund and PB Anj are meeting with "The Ancients" to discuss their alliance against the Green Lantern Corps. The Ancients are what the Durlans call a disgusting, orgiastic mess of Durlans that have decided to melt together and writhe in a musty basement for eternity. For some reason they enjoy manifesting mouths and eyeballs and fingers and tentacles but not one penis or vagina. Odd. I'm pretty sure all I would be is fifteen penises, buttholes, and vaginas all slapping together in a sexy, chaotic mess. But then I'd be the most perfect Durlan ever.

So when playing a board game, the Durlans never lose. They either win or scream "Hurricane Durlans!"

Thirty years ago, Bolphunga earned the stupid ass name of Bolphunga.

Four years ago, Chun Yull pisses off his coworkers and is shunned.

Kilowog says that like he knows about the taint piercing.

More fighting takes place on Mogo between the "origins" of the villains. Mogo brings down the other ships in the fleet and Hal discovers John and the others being held as prisoners on one. And we get to see John and Yrra in their underwear! A little bit.

For Mogo's sake Isamot! At least put a sock on it.

Eight years ago, Kanjar Ro was arrested and sold into slavery. And that is how he became KANJAR RO!

Once Hal Jordan recovers from getting a glimpse of Isamot's three pronged genitalia, he learns from John Stewart that Kanjar Ro and the other villains have joined the Green Lanterns to defeat the Durlans. They might have figured it out sooner if Hal Jordan hadn't insisted on finishing Kanjar Ro's opening statement incorrectly and then punching Kanjar in the mouth. Oh well. Live and learn! Unless you're Hal Jordan and then forget the learning half of that statement.

Six years ago, Zuree was caught in the wrong place at the wrong time doing the wrong job for the wrong people and wrongly sentenced for being wrong.

Twenty years ago, Hunger Dog chased down a wild Grogleplick to prove that he is the best tracker ever.

Now, The Green Lantern Corps have teamed up with a bunch of their oldest and most (unless I mean least) remembered villains. Each villain gets to team up with one Green Lantern as they search out the Durlans and foil their plan to destroy the Green Lantern Corps. I'm assuming that all of the villains that help will get a pardon for past convictions. But they'll also get a stern warning from Hal Jordan that the Green Lantern Corps will be watching their future actions very closely!

The issue ends with both sides searching for a long lost Green Lantern that headed up a special Green Lantern unit called the "Corpse." His name is Von Daggle and he's a Durlan.

Green Lantern Corps Annual #2 Rating: Full of sweet super villainy creme filling.

The Phantom Stranger #16

Hopefully this cover means Etrigan is on his way.

First off, Wii Fit is a little bitch. Fuck that knob-gobbling piece of shit (no offense to knob-gobblers! Blessed are the gobblers of knobs and the munchers of rugs!)! So I hooked up the Wii Fit a few days ago because I wanted to remember what it was like to sweat and I prefer not to do anything in public where I might actually have to interact with human beings. So it weighs me on the first day and tests my balance and all that bullshit. Then on the second day, it weighs me again and says I've lost two pounds. It then goes on to say that weight often fluctuates by about two pounds every day so be sure to weigh yourself at the same time each day! As if I eat and shit on a strict schedule. So then it weighed me again today and I was up one and a half pounds from yesterday. Which I figure is part of that two pound fluctuation. But does the Wii Fit say "You know, weight often fluctuates by up to two pounds!" today? No! The fucking Wii Fit says, "Why the fuck did you get so fat, fatty?" And then it brings up a list of reasons to choose from so it can shame me on my choices! And was one of those choices, "I did everything right so it must be that fluctuation thing you told me about"? Fuck no! It was all "Snacking" and "Eating too much" and "Being a gross pig" and "Lazy bastard" and "I eat like a fucking monster." Fuck you, Wii Fit! Although I did have to admit that my snacking was a problem the past two days since the Mother-in-Common-Law sent a big box of Valentine's Day cookies.

I should record my comic book reviews and release them as podcasts for people who don't have three minutes of free time to read them. People like listening to shit and exerting no effort for their entertainment, right? I think that was one of Wii Fit's choices as to why I'm so Goddamned fat: "Cannot bring myself to spend calories on reading and can only hit play button with long stick from lying position in pool of congealed lard."

This issue begins with John Constantine in a straight jacket in The House of Mystery. I don't know why that is and it causes a bit of anxiety that maybe I missed a Forever Evil: Blight issue somewhere along the line! Blight had just been defeated and Chris the Babysitter had become Chris the Redeemer. Constantine could feel Zatanna and the other magic users being held by The Crime Syndicate in some thing called a Thaumaton. Perhaps that's why he went crazy? I hope the story explains itself fairly quickly because I hate reading comic books with that nagging sense I should know what's happening but possibly don't because of my memory. The whole reason for this blog was to never feel that feeling again!

Oh, thank you, Nightmare Nurse! You have cured me of my crippling anxiety!

While Constantine is out, Justice League Dark doesn't have much to do. He's the one that knows where they need to go next. Now they just have to kill time until he regains his sanity and can tell them where to go. I don't know how Pandora and the Swamp Thing are filling the long stretches until they can get back to work but I kind of hope they're doing what The Phantom Stranger and Nightmare Nurse are.

Even the House wants them to fuck. Speaking of fucking and The House of Mystery, does it ever get laid? Does it pound its chimney into The House of Secret's backdoor? Is it weird that I'd pay good money to watch that porn?

Instead of Nightmare Nurse getting a little Phantom Stranger, they decide to take a trip into Constantine's mind. The Phantom Stranger totally pusses out because he has (mocking trill in my voice) a wife and family. Sure, they're dead and they weren't really his wife and family anyway but he still uses it as the excuse for why he can't hoist the mainsail. I think that's bullshit. I bet kissing Christ ruined The Phantom Stranger for every other person in existence. Where do you go after that? I suppose where you go is second base with Christ but the fucking Romans ruined the moment. Garden of Gethsemane? More like the Garden of GetSomeIfYouKnowWhatIMean!

Meanwhile Pandora, Deadman, Swamp Thing, and Zauriel aren't going to be any help if they can't even ascribe the speech bubbles to the proper speakers.

The Phantom Stranger remembers an episode of Degrassi Junior High he once saw where Caitlin thinks she might be a lesbian and that she's in love with her English teacher and that maybe her English teacher loves her back because she gives her good grades and she winds up having sex dreams about her teacher. And then The Phantom Stranger realizes that isn't going to help in this situation, so he tricks John into fighting his own demons and Constantine drives away the madness. And they all lived happily ever after for the next five minutes as John got dressed. And then they got back to work looking for Zatanna and the other magic users. I hope they don't find Madame Xanadu. God I hate that barn owl.

The group realizes The Crime Syndicate's evil little plan is taking place in Nanda Parbat because that's the first place that anybody would have guessed they were holed up doing their little magic experiments. No, maybe the second place. My first guess would have been San Francisco, possibly Berkeley. Nanda Parbat would have been my second guess. But for the magic loving freaks of the DC Universe, this is where they would have picked if they weren't busy with all that making shitty plans fighting Blight business. If they had just sat down at a table with some Earl Grey and biscuits to discuss the matter calmly, one of them would have said, "If I were a mega-evil bunch of dopplegangers from a mirror world, where would I go to most effectively use the magicians I've kidnapped?" And Constantine would have snapped his fingers and pointed at Swamp Thing and, in unison, they would have said, "Nanda ParliamentofTreesbat!" And Swamp Thing would have said alone, "Oh yeah. Your answer makes more sense. They're probably in Nanda Parbat." And so that's where The Phantom Stranger takes them with his Mysterious Ways Power.

Fuck you, Zauriel! Like The Phantom Stranger wants this fucking bullshit power crap anyway! He's only been trying to figure out how to lose this job for 2000 years! And now you tell him all he had to do was abuse his heavenly expense account?! No problem!

John's plan now rests on Deadman's shoulders. As The Sea King, he's able to walk up to the front door and ask nicely to be let inside to take a look at the project. And everybody is supposed to say, "Oh hey! You were dead and shit but this isn't weird at all! Come on up!"

Felix Faust and Nick Necro are fucking chimps. I mean chumps! Damn typo! Now I'm picturing Faust with his dick in an ape's ass as it howls away and jerks off Nick Necro's dick painted like a banana.

As Sea King is let inside, the rest of The Justice League Dark follow invisibly after. Success!

The Phantom Stranger #16 Rating: +2 Ranking. I don't have time to say how much I enjoyed this comic book because I have to get ready for work now. If only I had a patron to support me, I wouldn't be leaving this end statement half finished.

Swamp Thing #28

Why are you asking me, Comic Book? Sorry to get all actually on everyone but this should read, "At long last -- who Capucine is!" Or would that be "whom Capucine is!"? Never mind. I'm revoking my own actually and turning in my nerd card due to my lack of confidence in being right, facts be damned.

Capucine has just kind of been hanging out waiting for the Swamp Thing to not be so busy or so dead because she needs sanctuary. She's lucky she's been able to protect herself so far! I'm not so certain she needs the Swamp Thing. Although I don't really know her whole story, so I should probably shut up and just listen. Especially now that my nerd card has been revoked! I don't have to obsessively interject my own opinions and lame jokes that nobody ever laughs at but they stall the conversation just enough for everyone to feel awkward empathy for my horrendous social skills.

But before Swamp Thing finds out what Capucine's fucking problem is and why she won't fucking stop trying to tag along everywhere he goes, he has to deal with the three naked people he brought forth from the Green when he put the entire place into an endless winter. One of those people is Lady Weeds and she's naked and now I'm engorged! No, no! I'm not. I thought she was lovely as a plant. Now she's just...just...a woman.

The Wolf is also naked but he makes me the opposite of engorged. Disgorged? Oh, I know! Desiccate! He desiccates my penis!

The Wolf also looked much better as a plant which is something I probably didn't need to say since I already said that thing about my penis withering. The only person that looks better as a human is the one called Brother Jonah whom Swamp Thing met when he needed to know whether or not "Sanctuarium Folium Viride" actually meant "I stepped in alligator shit." I don't remember him because he looked like an Avatar probably. So I guess I can't really say he looks better! But I can say he looks like he might need a forty two year old white man to polish his cock with something soft and tongue-like. Can I say that? Am I allowed to say that? If I'm not allowed to say that, you'd tell me, right?

I do like how Brother Jonah is balding so as to simulate a friar's tonsure. Although he gives Swamp Thing a bro handshake so maybe he means "Brother Jonah" as in Brotha Jonah? Or maybe monks shake that way since I know nothing about the lifestyle of a monk and have very little in common with them except for the excessive chastity. He and Swamp Thing hit it off which is good because Brother Jonah knows about Capucine's Sweet Sanctuary Deal (I think! That's what all that Viride shit was about, right?), so he can become Swamp Thing's naked sidekick.

Lady Weeds slips away because she's awesome and I can't wait for her to return as the super bad-ass villain that destroys Swamp Thing and takes over the world and kisses me in the nether regions tonight while I'm "preparing" for bed. Man, that was one sexy plant! Actually, according to my next scan, she also makes one sexy mammal as well!

Oh! She didn't slip too far away! She just had a strong desire to immediately strangle something phallic.

Swamp Thing purposefully saved Brother Jonah and The Wolf but Lady Weeds somehow hitchhiked along with them on the way out of The Green. Now Swamp Thing must figure out what to do with three naked adults that know nothing of living in the modern world. The fact that they all speak English so well is a good start, I suppose. Alec needs to find Capucine because he doesn't want to be responsible for yet another DC Cover being a complete, bald-faced lie. But they don't want to just sit around his moldy old swamp mansion waiting for him to bring them the things they'll need to survive. They want to experience a little of the world before being stranded in the middle of a swamp. In an effort to exhaust them so they'll obey him and go to bed on time, he decides to take them to Mardi Gras where Alec can let his true colors fly.

Who knew he longed to be so colorful?

After their outing, The Swamp Thing returns them to the mansion with Brother Jonah as their babysitter because he seems trustworthy. For some reason. Maybe when somebody tells you to call them "brother" anything, it makes them seem like a guy you can count on. Then Alec heads out to find Capucine who, according to the cover and the title ("Salting the Earth"), must be hiding in Utah. I suppose the Salt Flats are the best place to hide from Avatars of The Green Gone Wild. It's also a great place to possibly catch sight of The Flash.

I'm half right! She's apparently in a part of the Bonneville Salt Flats that are in Nevada. Well, la dee dah, Charles Soule. You know more about the stupid salt flats than I do! Well did you know they were created due to tons of drying dinosaur urine? Yeah, I bet you didn't. Jerko.

Swamp Thing finds Capucine but she blows the shit out of him with a rocket propelled grenade because she's also a jerko. Also because she doesn't want to get killed by The Seeder. Luckily for The Swamp Thing, he's able to regrow a body from a piece of carrot lodged in a dead rabbit's teeth. Capucine isn't quite as nervous facing off against a tiny little Swamp Thing, so she lets him speak to her. She believes it's the real deal and then she finally tells her story. Actually, Swamp Thing finally decides to listen to her story. She's been trying to tell it to him for six or seven months!

Capucine was born on the isle of Mont St. Michel which may be one of the few places on my list of places I desperately want to visit. Desperately as in "It would seem cool." My version of desperate must be viewed on a curve. Middle class white male American desperate versus, you know, pretty much every other desperate should probably be categorized more as "a lark."

The monks of Mont St. Michel were tired of nations fighting over their island. They just wanted their abbey to be left in peace. So they made a deal with a man that looked somewhat like Jason Blood. What they gave him, Capucine did not know. But what they got in return was an elixir to give three young children the gifts of speed and strength and longevity. She was one of these children and she would protect the monks for hundreds of years to come. Eventually she and her brother and the other child were forced to serve France and its kings for centuries. Eventually, Capucine was the last one left (left alive? Or just left in service to the King? She does not say) until the French Revolution when the king was killed and she was free from her oath. Since then, she has been doing the David Banner thing and wandering the world, helping townsfolk and, sometimes, hurting them. It all depended on what she was supposed to learn during that night's episode and whether or not it was sweeps week.

And then she tells Swamp Thing who she needs Sanctuary from:

Yay!

Apparently Jason Blood's deal with the monks was that one of the children would be used as Etrigan's vessel after they died. Was this the only way Jason Blood knew how to get rid of Etrigan? He had to make a deal where he'd be stuck with The Demon for another thousand years? I suppose he still had a thousand years to figure out how to break his tie with the demon if he could. At least he now knew it would end eventually! Although it seems to have ended some time ago (six hundred years, maybe? I forget what the timeline was of Etrigan being buried under London before he was recently freed by Stormwatch where he took a new host) since Blood no longer seemed to be associated with Etrigan when Etrigan was last seen in Stormwatch.

Alec promises to defend Capucine's body from Etrigan when she finally dies. So I guess she'll be living at the mansion as well! That place is going to get crowded.

Really crowded!

Swamp Thing #28 Rating: +2 Ranking. Lady Weeds is free so that means this was a good comic book. And Etrigan has become part of the plot which also means this was a good comic book. Any other reasons that make this a good comic book are superfluous.