The Reverse-Flash! (as seen in The Flash #17)

Part 17 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Eobard Thawne, alias Professor Adrian Zoom [Perhaps the best name and alias in DC History? After Tinya Wazoo, of course.]
Occupation: Professional Criminal [And master of paradox!]
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: 25th-Century Earth
First Appearance: FLASH #139
Height: 5'11" Weight: 179 lbs.
Eyes: Blue Hair: Strawberry Blonde [What is that? Near ginger?]

HISTORY
"Physicist Dr. Walter Drake devised a 'time satellite' that he could send into the future, and the second Flash (see Flash II) donated one of his costumes to be put into the satellite [Why? I need to read this comic book now to find out the reason for this!]. The time satellite arrived in the 25th Century [Wouldn't it have merely passed through all the centuries, not technically "arriving" in any one? I think I have different ideas about sending things forward through time than Dr. Walter Drake has], where the criminal Eobard Thawne got hold of the Flash costume within it. Thawne amplified the super-speed wave patterns in the costume so as to give himself the power to move at super-speed when he wore it [Well that seems a bit like cheating! He didn't need to be struck by lightning or anything?]. Dubbed 'the Professor' for his scientific talent, Thawne now changed his nickname to 'Professor Zoom.' Since Thawne planned to use his powers to commit crimes, not to stop them as The Flash did, he reversed the colors on the costume [And how did he manage that? Future science, I guess!] and called himself [Wait for it!] 'the Reverse-Flash.' Arriving in the 25th Century, The Flash defeated Zoom [Now fucking hold on just a minute! What the hell kind of sentence is that? It came out of nowhere just like The Flash! How did The Flash know some guy was being a jerk in his costume in the 25th Century? Did The Flash leave his house keys in his costume's pocket and realize he needed to go to the future to retrieve them instead of just changing his locks? Seriously! This makes no sense that The Flash had to travel in time to stop this guy!].

Zoom first came to the 20th Century to force Mr. Element (see Mr. Element) to help him gain the power of super-speed again. Later, Zoom gave his own body the power of super-speed through his 'ultra-speed' science [Oh, well that fucking explains that then!].

Zoom trapped The Flash in the 25th Century and came to the 20th, where he temporarily gave himself the physical appearance of Barry Allen, The Flash's alter ego. Zoom intended to take over he roles of both Barry Allen and The Flash and even to marry Allen's fiancee, Iris West [What an asshole.] However, The Flash broke free of Zoom's trap, again defeated Zoom, and married Iris himself [That was a stupid trap anyway, trapping someone in a future time. Because it doesn't matter how long it takes them to break free since they can travel back to any time they need to stop you. The Reverse-Flash is dumb!].

Later, Zoom apparently became dependent on wearing a special costume to activate his super-speed power. Obsessed with Iris, he again impersonated Allen and tried to kill Iris when she discovered his imposture [Maybe I was a bit hasty in calling him an asshole. This guy is a gigantic asshole. He couldn't find any women to love him in the 25th Century?]. The Flash thwarted Zoom once more, but Zoom later returned and demanded that Iris forsake The Flash for him [And pathetic! Did I mention how fucking pathetic this jerk is?]. When Iris refused, Zoom murdered her [Holy shitbat insane! Now I'm really beginning to worry for Barry about this guy's appearance in The New 52! He's a maniac!]. (However, Iris had been born in the 30th Century [Wait. WTF?], and her parents transplanted her spirit into the body of a 30th-Century woman, as the Flash discovered years after Iris's 'murder.' [What? What did I just read? Was that supposed to read Iris's parents transplanted her into a 20th-Century woman? Or was she born in the future, transplanted into the past, killed, but then had her spirit shoved into some poor unsuspecting innocent woman of the 30th Century? What the fuck was going on in this comic in the Silver Age?!]) The vengeful Flash battled Zoom, who became trapped in another dimension.

Thinking Iris dead, Barry Allen fell in love with a young woman named Fiona Webb. But Zoom escaped and tried to murder her on the very day she was to marry Allen. In saving her life, The Flash broke Zoom's neck, killing him [Jesus Christ! This has to be the most disturbing, most confusing Who's Who entry yet!]."

POWERS & WEAPONS
"The Reverse-Flash used various means during his career to give himself the power to move at superhuman speed. He could attain velocities equal to the speed of light (186,000 miles per second [Thanks for the clarification! I guess in the days before the internet, these kinds of facts were hard to come by!]) and had superhuman endurance. He had absolute mental control of his own atoms and molecules, and could vibrate his atoms so fast that he could pass harmlessly through solid objects.

Zoom also possessed telepathic powers [Well shit. Of course he did.], and devised the science of "ultra-speed," which enabled him to achieve amazing feats by speeding up the movement of subatomic particles."

The Flash #17

How much do you want to bet the next story featuring Grodd will also be called Gorilla Warfare?

This cover begins with a pun (an old, overused pun but still a pun), so I'm really excited to get back to the good old normal Scarlet Punster of yore! This whole gorilla invasion is getting too serious! I mean, as serious as an invasion of monkeys can get. Man. If Portland were ever invaded by monkeys I would just sit on the roof watching the chaos with a gigantic grin on my face. I may or may not be drinking sake, depending on whether or not I had any in the fridge before the monkey invasion began and kept me from getting to Fred Meyers.

The issue begins with Grodd and The Flash battling inside the speed force. Five pages of punching and kicking and bravado but not a single pun. My disappointment knows no end. See how disappointed I am? I can't even think up a pun of my own!

Meanwhile at Central City Stadium where the apes have half the population of the city hooked into their Illusion Matrix, Flash's father figure, the police detective, dives past the apes and unplugs the machine.

Stupid monkeys! Every super villain knows you're supposed to surround the power source with a force field! And that you're supposed to surround the force field's power source with another force field that is powered by a source inside the other force field! Impenetrable!

Turbine and the Rogues help out Flash's Father Figure since he only unplugs one of many transmitters. They send the machines into the Mirror World and save everybody from the Illusion Matrix!

Really, dude? Least imaginative thing you could have said. I bet whenever you're out sailing with friends and y'all get attacked by a shark, you're the first to scream, "We're gonna need a bigger boat!" Then you probably high five somebody.

The illusion over Central City drops and nobody makes a single fucking pun. I'm about ready to throw this comic against the wall! What a travesty! This is supposed to be a Flash comic book! I'm going to write DC an angry letter.

Dear DC,

I hope this letter finds you well. I've been reading and thoroughly enjoying your "relaunch" of your intellectual properties. I think you have been doing a bang up job and may I commend you (if I may) for your business acumen on screwing that creator Scott Shaw out of all of his royalties to your Captain K'rot character? I was wondering, though, how you got about the legalities of still using the name Pig Iron for his sidekick? Perhaps you owned that character outright? Anyway, I wasn't writing merely to praise you for your cutthroat business practices (well, not exclusively, that is). I was mainly wondering if you, perchance, had a moment to read your "The Flash" monthly serial recently? Mssrs. Manapul and Buccellato have been putting together this normally high quality serialization of your "Scarlet Speedster" character. (Oh, and before I go any further, might I say what a wise and unquestionable business move it was to replace that all too fallible "Wally West" with the much more stoic mother's boy, Barry Allen. Kudos!) While I have mostly been enjoying the tales of high adventure and bravado of Central City and Keystone City's protector (another brilliant move to merge the two cities of The Flash's origin so as to remove confusion from the minds of all but the most stubborn), I find myself having a moment of doubt as to the direction Mssrs. Manapul and Buccellato have been leading the serialization in the last couple of issues. While I laud their use of the always humorous title, "Gorilla Warfare," I must say I am a bit disappointed at the relative lack of puns throughout the monthly magazine. The puns have always been my favorite feature of the serialization and I feel the quality is sorely lacking when they are left out. I read this adventure series to relax after a long and stressful day of relaxing without reading illustrated tales, and I expect to be entertained with spasms of laughter from the frivolous tales told. The serious turn this title has taken has me severely rethinking my continuing purchase of your normally well-executed entertainment pamphlet. Please take Mssrs. Manapul and Buccellato to task for their failures so that I do not have to engage my local comic book store owner in a discussion on the number of titles he reserves for me each month.

Thank you, with kind regards,
Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!

I feel much better! Except I'm suddenly strangely melancholic about the loss of the art of letter writing! Oh well! Maybe The Flash has some puns waiting for me!

No sooner had I written the letter than DC responded with a positive change in their pun status! The illusion drops and the army moves in and the monkeys are defeated which causes one apt monkey to drop a pun bomb all over my face.

"Grodd has abandoned us!" Oh the existential goodness! Welcome to civilization, monkeys! Also, that dumber monkey on the right probably could have come up with a good pun for "prophets" but he didn't even try. Jerk.

With the sudden realization that Grodd cannot save them, the monkeys flee from Central City. They pack up in their pods and blast back to wherever Gorilla City is located. Maybe just outside Tinasha? While they flee, they round up Solovar who is still barely alive. Thanks for that! I was so worried for him when he died just a few panels after he was introduced and had become my favorite monkey character ever! Except for that chimpanzee that wears the Sherlock Holmes get-up and solves occult crimes. He's funny because he's a monkey that wears a hat!

Meanwhile in the Speed Force, Grodd gets run over by a Wooly Mammoth and they disappear deep into the Speed Force. The Flash grabs Iris and her friends and vibrates them back to Central City. The Flash claims he's the only one that can exit the Speed Force but I suspect Grodd has enough of an attachment to the place that he'll be able to secure his own exit. And I bet he exits six or seven years in the past to be a thorn in Green Lantern and The Flash's sides so that they can discuss fighting a gorilla together when they meet up again in Justice League #2! Everything works out!

Meanwhile meanwhile in Mirror World (sheesh, there are a lot of non-real dimensions in this comic book!), The Rogues recruit Turbine, the silly spastic loony tunes. Then they kick out all of the civilians they saved and begin to tinker with the technology they stole from the monkeys. I suppose that will be trouble later.

Meanwhile meanwhile meanwhile in Dr. Elias's lab, Dr. Elias uncovers some unbroken Speed Force Tubes hidden in the floor and threatens The Flash. I suppose that will be trouble even later!

Barry Allen pretends to have been with the people trapped for three months in the Speed Force and voila! The Flash gets a secret identity again!

Everything is not fine! What about the puns, Barry?! WHAT ABOUT THE PUNS?!

One month later, Reverse Flash comes running out of nowhere talking about going in reverse but still running forward. What a stupid doody face! Maybe he'll create Reverse Flash Point and fix everything! Go away, Reverse Flash! Go home! You're not wanted here! Don't mess up my New 52 and return the universe to the one that all the people who love DC cartoons are missing! Leave my new chaotic mess that I love like an unborn child alone!

Unborn children are the easiest to love because you have yet to resent them for keeping you up all night. That's why I decided to not have five children. I love all of my children I'll never have! And any time I think five children to not have is too many, I can just not have three children! Or sometimes when I really want to feel all of their non-existent unconditional love, sometimes I think about not having five hundred children! And I do! I mean, do not. Umm. What?

The Flash #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is nice to look at and has monkeys. Does Batman have a Reverse Enemy? Perhaps Manbat? Superman has Bizarro. And The Flash has Reverse Flash. Who does Wonder Woman have? Slacker Man? Not-So-Wonderful Woman?

All Star Western #17

Uh oh! Jonah Hex must have space madness!

I was under the impression that Stormwatch was going to be taking over as the main story but the cover is solid proof of my error. Fuck you, Cover! Who asked you anyway? Did you think I needed proof that I was fallible? Well, I didn't! I know I'm fallible! And by knowing I'm fallible, I think that makes me infallible! Didn't Buddha attest to that? Anyway, it might be a good thing. Like Beowulf in Swords of Sorcery, I'm hoping it'll just be enough to make it seem like the best story ever where it could easily overstay its welcome as the main story. Besides, Stormwatch already gets 20 pages of comic every month!

And so the story begins...

I think every American should try to acquaint themselves with how their family ended up here. And I'll judge those that can't figure it out somehow and stare down at them and shake my head and whisper, "No." Hmm. Apparently some of my ancestors had a gene for insanity.

I have a feeling my father's ancestors dealt with something akin to that panel. My dad's brother has done a lot of genealogical research and I have files and pictures but I've never delved into them as carefully as maybe I should. Believe it or not, I guess I'm just not that interested. I've just always been closer to my mom's family. My grandmother's mother, Dolores Ortega Correa Vega, and her parents left Malaga, Spain on April 10, 1913. They took a ship across the Atlantic and around Cape Horn to arrive in Hawaii (this was one year before the Panama Canal was finished). An arranged marriage was made between Dolores and Bartolo Gill so that Dolores's father could justify bringing another man to the New World to help earn and save money while working in the sugar cane fields in Hawaii. They were basically recruited via pamphlets sent to the Old World looking to bring more European workers into the sugar cane fields so that the Asians wouldn't get too uppity and start forming unions and shit. My fucking ancestors were brought in as union busters! Sort of. Not really. Maybe I'm too cynical.

Dolores's parents (my great, great grandparents) Ana Ortega Correa and Jose Vega Tirado with my Uncle Jerry in 1942. Thank you, Printer from the Early Nineties!

Here's an anonymous poem published in 1910 that describes the life my grandparents led:

The Five A.M. Whistle

"Awake! stir your bones! Rouse up!"
Shrieks the Five o'Clock Whistle.
"Don't dream you can nestle
For one more sweet nap.
Or your ear-drums I'll rap
With my steam-hammer tap
Till they burst.
Br-r-row-aw-i-e-ur-ur-rup!
Wake up! wake up! wake up! w-a-k-e-u-u-u-up!

Filipino and Japanee;
Porto Rican and Portugee;
Korean, Kanaka and Chinese;
Everybody whoever you be
On the whole plantation--
Wake up! wake up! wake up! w-a-k-e-u-u-u-up!

Luna and book-keeper;
Sugar boiler, store keeper;
Time-keeper, chemist;
Clerk and machinist;
Boss and Boss' Missus;
I proclaim this is
The hour to get up,
And eat a rice cup;
For I boss the Boss,
Same as man, mule and hoss,
And everything on the plantation,
I, the Sugar Mill Whistle!

Br-r-ow-aw-i-e-ur-ur-rup!
Get up! get up! get up! get up!
Mind the Five A.M. Whistle
The signal to hustle!"

Fuck me. No wonder I hate alarm clocks! My genetic memory is still rebelling from that bullshit! I think it's been around eight or nine years since I've used an alarm clock. If only my great grandparents could see me now! We're living the American Dream, Pana and Nana! I'm sure that's what I would have called them if I'd ever known them. I only knew my grandfather's mother although she probably went through the same experiences. I think she came over as a much younger child than my grandmother's mother.

Eventually my family struck it rich and became super fancy elitists. They baptized their children in champagne and threw diamonds to drive away stray dogs. When times in the middle of the country turned rough and dust storms ruled over everything, my grandparents watched the Okies drag their asses into the Bay Area looking for work. My ancestors would shit in their hands and throw it at the filthy refuse yelling, "Have you ever picked a Spanish Apple? Ha ha ha!" Eventually they came to own Santa Clara. They drove out all of the non-Spanish in a frenzy of national pride! Things were fairly peaceful until one day my grandfather gambled it all away on one throw of the dice with a wealthy white industrialist trick dice maker. Our family was ruined! They tucked their tails between their legs and retreated back into the one house they had been allowed to keep, quietly living out the rest of their days and lying to their grandchildren about the good old days.

Or something like that. I think I got most of the facts straight. Anyway that's enough super awesome history lessons for now. Let's see how things are progressing in Gotham.

Same old same old.

And so the story re-begins with Jonah Hex hunting a man into a quarantined section of the city filled with Cholera. The criminal in question seems vaguely familiar.

Oh Vandal Savage. Have you come to prepare the city for Stormwatch?! Or will Stormwatch come hunting you?

Would it surprise you, my loyal readers (and those random few who accidentally found this page while searching for porn), that this story has produced in me a level of exuberant joy heretofore unknown in the annals of mankind? Through the well-worked and bullseye'd tone of the Narrator to the fanciful and energetic art of Mr. Moritat (or is it simply, Moritat, Esquire?) to the simple joy and bravado of the pro-antagonist Vandal Savage, I am awash in majesty and splendour. Only a creature of the most vile and basest of humours would not admit to grinning at the erratic gesticulations of the monster Vandal Savage. He is a shallow creature that rides the waves of his prurient interests and he lives life as if he had nothing to lose. Which, I guess, technically speaking, he doesn't.

The stupid and incompetent are most able to revel in pure, exultant joy.

Alan Wayne casually confronts Vandal Savage and invites him to a private table upstairs so that he doesn't break Wayne's casino. Wayne does warn him that one of the regular players has a bit of a temper.

One of the things that makes this comic book so incredibly entertaining is the pacing. It has some superb beats and knows when a scene should end exactly and at what point in time the next scene should begin.

Hex leaves while warning Mrs. Wayne to keep an eye on Savage. Savage continues to charm Mrs. Wayne and very subtly threatens Alan Wayne with the loss of his casino and his wife. He doesn't really. But knowing Savage, the only reason he's being kind and charming right now is because he thinks, for whatever reason, that it will serve his purpose better than smashing skulls. What a magnificent dick! I believe this is the third appearance of Savage in The New 52 and he's been terrifically well-written in them all (Demon Knights, DC Universe Presents, and All Star Western. Am I missing any?).

While Savage went about Gotham making connections and "friends", the city continued to ignore the people in the Cholera Quarantine. But Catherine Wayne was desperate to help and delivered food supplies in secret. During one of these runs, she is pulled over the wall and kidnapped by the sickies. They hold her for ransom, demanding food and medical supplies in exchange for her safe return. This might be the reason Jonah Hex is sent into the Quarantine to kill everybody! He agrees but for a steep price: 30% of Alan Wayne's casino! Holy shit! Jonah Hex is going to start the Gotham City Mafia!

Things in the Quarantine section quickly get out of hand, leaving Hex and Arkham to run for their lives from the deranged and sick mob. What they find is not a bunch of people dying from starvation and cholera. What they find is some fucking 28 Days Later bullshit.

I'm sure the outbreak is Vandal Savage's fault. Or a raccoon's.

Hex and Arkham make their way toward the bank abandoned in the middle of the Cholera Outbreak. Hex believes it's the most defensible position against the rabid zombie cholera cannibals. Arkham just runs around shitting himself and questioning every move Hex makes. What they find inside the bank is no surprise: Vandal Savage. Apparently he realized during the Black Death that he has the ability to be a carrier of disease without succumbing to it. He brought this plague (Rabid Cholera?) to Gotham although his purpose is unclear as this issue ends. Perhaps just to sow chaos. Perhaps simply to fuck Catherine Wayne. Who can tell why a bored amoral immortal does anything?

That story was good enough to justify the $3.99 cover price and yet there remains to be read a 19th Century Stormwatch tale starring Jenny Freedom! Are you kidding me?! What a fantastic age we live in where we can get such voluminous entertainments for such negligible costs!

I'm not sure what year the Stormwatch story takes place but it's after the end of the civil war. Jenny Freedom is a long way removed from the overalls and pigtails shown in the single panel in Peter Milligan's Stormwatch. While I'm curious to see her fighting against oppression in the years before slavery ended, I'm just happy to get a look into her life with Stormwatch.

Currently Jenny is trying to stop Smokestack Jack from assassinating President Chester A. Arthur. Because Jenny has the power of steam, you can bet 19th Century Stormwatch is going to be full of steampunkery. While that could be fun, I guess I'm more interested in Jenny Freedom at the beginning of her career before she mastered her power of steam and electricity. I'm sure she began by just blasting people in the face with hot mist.

I guess she has to deal with mumbo jumbo as well!

Jenny engages Smokestack Jack with blades while her companion gets his entrails eaten by the mummies. Jenny is distracted for the briefest of moments as she resigns herself to not getting to fuck this man. She really is all about freedom! Go Jenny! Jack gets the upper hand and runs off to prepare his Electro-Boltacular-Mega-Blaster.

Of course Jenny Freedom stops him which causes his Electric-Assassinator to set his airship on fire. As the entire thing is about to explode, Jenny Freedom hops over the side to, um, freedom!

Chester A. Arthur was president from 1881 to 1885. As an American, of course I had to look that up. I also looked up the history of the parachute. The first parachute harness was developed in 1887 and packing and storing a parachute in a backpack was first invented in 1890. Apparently Jenny Freedom made these modifications to her parachute years earlier and was too busy to patent them.

After Jenny lands, she enters a pub to get a drink and smoke a pipe. And that's where it ends as she's approached by Adam who asks her if she'd like to come back to Stormwatch. He refers to her as Jenny Steam which is awesome because that's what I guessed the 19th Century Jenny would be called before I found out she was Jenny Freedom (which is much, much better than Jenny Steam!).

All Star Western #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. I enjoyed the Jenny Freedom comic but I felt it could have been so much more, so the back-up story is a wash. But the Jonah Hex story was, once again, tremendously entertaining. Bravo, Grey, Palmiotti, and Moritat. This may possibly be the most fun comic book in The New 52.

Teen Titans #17

Raven's here to make Red Robin feel better! In much the same way that masturbating while on heroin makes a person feel better!

Why does Red Robin look so sad? It's interesting that after all the tension and all the hype of Death of the Family, the only real thing that The Joker accomplished was hurting everybody's feelings. What a twist! And now Red Robin has to deal with all of his feels. Except Raven is here to save the day! Suck out those emotions, Emo Girl!

Oh! Speaking of Raven, HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT NEW COSTUME IS AWFUL! Oh geez. Sorry for yelling but I've been holding that in since my commentary on Teen Titans #16 where I lost a bet with myself and could only say nice things. Okay, I kind of complained about it as best I could in the parameters I gave myself. But seriously! That feathered face mask thing bugs the shit out of me. It's a little bit reminiscent of her hood as the hood always came down to a point in the middle of her face. But it looks stupid. Or, to put it in more intellectual terms, it fills me with a ka-ka-doody feeling.

The issue begins with (possibly) Dr. Light sucking some kind of Light Bubble Power out of a young boy. Doctor Light seems awfully obsessed with showing children the "light and the way." Wasn't it revealed in the pages of the old Suicide Squad that he might have had a predilection for pedophilia? Or was that just some of the taunts he had to endure from other members since he fought the Teen Titans on so many occasions. Didn't somebody somewhere suggest that he enjoyed being beaten by children? Was that it? Oh memory, you foul and mischievous imp.

Meanwhile the Teen Titans are enjoying an awkward limo ride back to New York from Gotham. It's awkward because Red Robin's Narration Boxes tell me it's awkward. But it ends up not being so bad. Except when Bunker's speech bubble says, "Como se yama?" Is that a thing? Do people often replace "llama" with "yama" in text so that it's pronounced correctly? Maybe it's one of those young things that I'm not hip to but Lobdell is. Another weird part is when Solstice tells Red Robin she thinks of him as a friend and he says, "That means more than you realize, Solstice." But then he immediately follows up that reaction with a "Not really" Narration Box. What the fuck? Lobdell must make every moment ambiguous and full of attitude.

When they finally arrive in New York, Red Robin introduces them to their new home.

Does he have "Red Robin" on his credit card? I suppose since Tim Drake is a made up name, Red Robin must have a bunch of aliases. Does that mean he's committing fraud on multiple levels? Good for him!

The new Titans Tower is...a boat. That's right! They'll all be living on a boat! Now when New York ends up despising them, they won't have to blow up their tower and move it to cartoon San Francisco! They can just sail away and park it in Central City! Or Antarctica! Or Metropolis! Or the Arctic! Or Smallville! As you can tell, I have a really poor sense of the DCnU geography.

Red Robin's yacht has a pool, a jacuzzi, a gym, a training room, a movie theater, a game room, and a full kitchen. I'm sure there's lots of storage as well. But he had to skimp on the living quarters and he's making Kid Flash share a room with Bunker and Cassie has to share a room with Solstice. That means Red Robin will be sharing a room with his gigantic ego.

Meanwhile in Mexico:

This is either Bunker's boyfriend or his detached Siamese Twin.

After the whole Joker debacle, Red Robin has been trying to figure out how to earn his team's trust and show that he's a terrific leader that should be followed without question. And what's the best way to build team trust? Make out with one of your teammates!

And make sure it's a teammate that's already romantically involved with another teammate! Go Teen Titans Go!

What's it like kissing Solstice? Is it like pressing your lips against quartz that's been rubbed with rotten eggs? And how would fucking her work? Does she have any genitalia? She always runs around naked, right? But she's just smooth skin except for the steaming cracks...oh! I get it. Well, I was hoping Red Robin would lose his virginity in Firestorm #17 and I didn't care to whom he lost it. I guess this will work!

Red Robin and Solstice might fuck on the deck of the yacht but the scene changes to show some kid in a coffee shop commanding everyone to drop dead which they immediately do. And when the scene shifts back to Titans Yacht, Red Robin is in his room trying to have sex with Cassie. I'd scan that kiss in too except the picture only shows their shadows and that's not worth bothering scanning. And even though Cassie is just wearing a t-shirt, it's done in a super classy way that never shows any panties or butts or crotches. Although Red Robin gets to remain fully clothed. I wonder if his penis smells like sulfur?

Apparently the cause of all these hormones running wild isn't the normal teenage hormones running wild one. It's Raven sitting on a throne of skulls sipping from a goblet of blood and feasting on their emotions.

Can DC fire an artist for completely fucking up the look of a character?

Red Robin is possessed or being manipulated by Raven as Trigon readies his demon army to attack New York. Or somewhere. I'm not totally sure what his army is amassing for. I guess all hell is literally set to break loose? No wait, that isn't literal at all. Not all of hell is attacking, just Trigon's portion. And Trigon might not be from hell but from Azaroth which is either someplace else or just a suburb of hell.

Teen Titans #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm only giving this comic book a positive ranking because it's so far down the charts and this issue was a step in the right direction. If by the right direction I mean "making it feel like an old school issue of Teen Titans." Which is how I meant it because I can make anything mean anything I want. I'm still unclear when The Teen Titans actually established themselves in the eyes of the world but they were recognized by Firestorm in Firestorm #17 from news reports. Maybe Red Robin had a Press Conference that wasn't interesting enough to appear in the pages of this comic book. Or, more likely, I slept through that part where the world learned about The Teen Titans.

Firestorm #17

That's it, Tim! Use your smarts! A right fucking hook is going to bring down Firestorm. You, sir, truly are the biggest genius in the DCnU.

From this cover, it looks like Firestorm's biggest weakness is his aim. For some reason, I tend to think that Firestorm's powers derive simply from his thinking what he wants done and it happens. But it looks like he first has to hit the thing he wants to transmute with his Nuclear Fisting Blasts. Which then makes me wonder how the fuck he took out Kid Flash first?! Bart Allen, you are truly horrible at your job.

Here are my wishes for this comic book:
1. Ronnie's mom pulls some racist bullshit and pisses off Jason's dad. Hopefully during anal sex.
2. Jason and Ronnie have at least one scene that can be read as if they're in love.
3. Tim Drake loses his virginity. Doesn't matter to whom.
4. Kid Flash is more entertaining written by Dan Jurgens than by Scott Lobdell (this is less a wish and more a certainty).
5. Solstice hits on Ronnie or Jason and is rebuffed.

The issue begins with Firestorm "fixing" Mt. Rushmore. I put fixing in quotes because he's really just returning it to National Monument Normality. He should turn the faces into Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Black Lightning. Or maybe Max Lord, Amanda Waller, Niles Caulder, and leave Dr. Megala.

Come on, Dan Jurgens. U2? Really? You do realize it's 2013, right? Why not KISS? You could have at least had him suggest The Village People or Abba.

Firestorm easily changes the faces back to the old white guys that were originally carved into the rock when a military attack helicopter earns its name (it attacks while helicoptering! Duh!). Instead of fleeing or turning the helicopter into pudding, Ronnie decides to sit on the co-pilot's lap and have a quickie. Quickie discussion, I mean!

Do it, Mister Officer Sir! Put out the flames! I've been wondering what would happen!

Ronnie's speech doesn't change General Eiling's mind because General Eiling represents America. And America doesn't care if someone attests that they'll only use their power for good. They still have the power! And America knows only America is righteous and good enough to handle so much power! Go America, you nation full of fearful and arrogant bastards! I should know because I'm one of them although I'm just arrogant and not fearful. All this "freedom isn't free" bullshit and hero worship of soldiers is so tiresome. You know what keeps America's citizens free? American citizens! Sending soldiers across the ocean to kill people with slightly different skin pigmentation isn't accomplishing anything but bad will. Wait. What does this have to do with Firestorm?! Fucking General Eiling and his smug, sunglasses wearing persona distracted me!

Let's see if the Teen Titans agree with me! They're currently discussing Firestorm because Red Robin trained with Batman so he subscribes to the belief that anybody with too much power needs to be watched closely. Bah! He's just like America!

That's what I thought, Red Robin! Especially when he dropped that knowing "U2" reference! Obviously a youngster!

Red Robin (being the obvious genius he is) thinks he knows where to find Firestorm. He probably did some triangulation by the cosine of the reverse square of the tectonic variations in the ionizing photosphere divided by pop culture references and figured out Firestorm would obviously be visiting Star Labs next. Or Wayne Tech has invented some pretty sophisticated Gaydar.

Back in Walton Mills, Ronnie's mom acts really creepy by telling Jason that his dad is a really special man. Then she heads off to fuck him, leaving Ronnie and Jason both severely creeped out. Darn. Maybe Jurgens is saving the implosion of Ronnie's mom's relationship for the final issue of Firestorm.

Eventually Firestorm heads off to repair Star Labs where he runs into three of the Teen Titans (the ones on the cover!). I don't know why Bunker didn't make it. Perhaps he would have interfered with Red Robin's Gaydar. Kid Flash mentions how Red Robin was right again and when is he ever wrong? Well, he's wrong in the panel immediately following their appearance when he accuses Ronnie of being one of N.O.W.H.E.R.E.'s soldiers with some nasty agenda! Why is Red Robin a super genius at times and an arrogant bastard that jumps to incorrect conclusions at others? Oh wait. I think that question answers itself.

Another timely pop culture reference to prove that Firestorm must be a teenager.

Ronnie decides he needs to fight the Teen Titans because fuck everybody shitting all over him all of the time. He has Transmogrification Powers! Why is he letting everybody piss in his mouth? It's time to git real! Word up! Yo! MTV raps! Headbanger's Ball time, bitches! Firestorm is about to go John Hinckley, Jr., all over your asses! It's fucking Hammer Time! He's gonna fight for his right to party! No whammies!

Ronnie's opening move is to shoot Solstice in the tits. Jason is horrified but he can't do anything because he's just an impotent incorporeal floating head. Next Ronnie turns Kid Flash's boots into flippers. That's actually a pretty smart move! Now Kid Flash will probably only be able to run half the speed of light. And Kid Flash can't take his flippers off or his feet will vibrate out of control and explode. Time for Red Robin to stop this!

Prepared with pills?

The pill thrown by Red Robin simply explodes. I don't know how that's preparing for a guy with Transmogrification Powers. Perhaps because the pill is too small for Firestorm to hit with his blasts. Firestorm finally remembers that he has pretty much the greatest power in the DCnU and decides to unleash a small atomic blast. That's better. The Teen Titans are used to getting their asses handed to them.

Wrong question, Solstice. Why do they always begin in conflict? It would be one thing if heroes actually tried to begin in a dialogue that isn't completely composed of threats.

The Teen Titans and Firestorm make nice after the Teen Titans learn they can't beat him. Red Robin tells everybody that he knew exactly what was going on all along. Kid Flash continues to buy into it and believe Tim Drake is a true genius. Jason finds Solstice attractive in a weird way. Perhaps because she reminds him of a drag queen? But Firestorm isn't able to rebuild Star Labs. Red Robin asks him to join the Teen Titans but Firestorm has a better offer on the table from the Justice League and turns them down. And that's the end of Firestorm's story this month.

Too bad Ronnie Raymond still has one big surprise waiting for him at home.

Ronnie's mom! NOOOOOOOO!!!

That's what happens when you don't take your secret identity seriously! I'm not sure how Ronnie didn't take his secret identity seriously but the proof is on the wall in his mom's ketchup. He was probably bragging at school how he's a great big super hero when he merges with the newspaper nerd. Actually, he probably leaves the merging part out of it. Anyway, from the skull symbol on the wall, it looks like Bolt has Ronnie's mom. Or, you know, somebody else maybe. The Punisher?

Firestorm #17 Rating: No change. Dan Jurgens is definitely still writing comic books for the 1980s.

Scavenger! (as seen in Aquaman #17)

Part 16 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Unknown
Occupation: Professional Criminal [As opposed to amateurs who don't get paid or can't find any sponsors?]
Marital Status: Single [How does anybody know this for sure? His alter ego is unknown?]
Known Relatives: None [At least this one makes sense because his alter ego is unknown, he has no known relatives. Marital Status really should be "Unknown". I'm such a stickler.]
Group Affiliation: None [Because he hates Black Manta and Ocean Master. Who else is there?]
Base of Operations: Mobile [But probably underwater. Unless his Scorpion Ship is a space ship as well!]
First Appearance: AQUAMAN #37
Height: 5'9" Weight: 176 lbs. [I love how these statistics are always so specific even though his identity is unknown and the only other times he's been encountered have been in his Shark Scuba Suit.]
Eyes: Unknown Hair: Unknown [Sure, you can get his exact height and weight but fuck if you can tell his eye or hair color through that mask!]

HISTORY
"Of the many mysteries held by the Seven Seas, the origin of the underwater villain Scavenger remains one of the greatest [Really? This jerk's identity is one of the greatest secrets of the Seven Seas? This was either written by the creator of this nobody character or some six year old with a fascination for men in shark-shaped scuba suits and hyperbole.]. He appeared in the depths of the Atlantic to menace Aquaman (see Aquaman) and Aqualad (see Aqualad) in his search for the 'time decelerator,' an ancient device created by an alien super-civilization [Okay but what does it do?!]. Without the usual posturing and boasting of costumed villains, Scavenger went after his goal without explanation of his unusual motif and advanced scientific equipment [So what you're trying to say is this guy is non-union? He's actually the Scabvenger! Ha ha!].

Aquaman was able to destroy Scavenger's heavily armed Scorpion Ship [Why a Scorpion Ship? How does that feature into his Shark-shaped Scuba gear? Where's the overarching theme? I'm pretty sure he couldn't explain himself because he just cobbled this get-up together out of spare parts. He's definitely not in the Super Villain union.], but not before Scavenger gained possession of the decelerator. His prize, however, only succeeded in sending him on a seemingly reverse trip through time, devolving him to an infant, and then nothing [Well, I'm sure it was something. But you probably needed a microscope to see him.].

The decelerator sent Scavenger into a timeless limbo from which it took years for him to escape [I'm pretty sure by 'timeless limbo' the writer means 'his father's testicles'.]. Once he did, Scavenger [had to wait 21 years before being able to rent another Scorpion Ship?] had but one thought: to gain vengeance on Aquaman. He has yet to succeed [Because he's only a little baby!]."

POWERS & WEAPONS
"Though possessing no powers of his own, Scavenger surrounded himself with super-scientific equipment [What makes something 'super' scientific?], which made him a formidable foe [And the Seven Seas' greatest secret!]. His Scorpion Ship was equipped with a deadly arsenal ranging from an electrical field to cannons [Because when I think 'super-scientific', I think 'cannons'!].

Scavenger's costume includes a built-in oxygen supply that enables him to make forays into the deep. He is an adept underwater fighter, obviously having trained in order to be able to overcome the crushing pressures of the ocean floor [Oh yeah. Totes obvs.]."

Aquaman #17

In this issue, Aquaman finds himself trapped with a kitten and a raccoon after he slips down a sewer grate in a big storm!

I'm seriously thinking about spending my money not on some really fantastic comic book trades I've been meaning to read from the time I was away from comics but on the Aquaman Omnibus instead. I'm curious to see why he became so famous and well-liked. Was he ever well-liked? What weird decades all the previous ones were? People were really like that in them? Strange!

Uh-oh! It looks like today is a speak in generalities kind of day! I wonder if I can catch up on my comic book reading by writing vague and uninteresting commentaries? Let me practice a little bit before I begin reading Aquaman.

"The art in this issue wasn't up to the usual quality because reasons. Aquaman's motivations seemed to lack motivation and his actions were less than full of action. His hair did look particularly nice though."

That was some good writing practice! I think I'm ready to work on my novel about a protagonist that does things which cause him to learn things. It's uplifting and inspiring and has something to do with rags and bootstraps. It's a truly mediocre American novel.

This issue begins with Aquaman giving a Junior High School oral report in the same vein as legends like Hawkman or Deathstroke. At least when they were being written by that master craftsman and Jack Kirbyesque master of comic books (according to a panel at Emerald City Comic Con) Rob Liefeld.

Aquaman: "The Phone-it-inicians thought up the term, 'The Seven Seas.' But the only sea those big dumb dumbs knew was the Mediterranean Sea! They must have paddled out in their primitive stone age canoes and were all, 'Whoa! Look at this sea! It goes on forever!' And then one of their friends ran up from the shore and went, 'Hey guys! There's a whole other sea on the other side of the island!' And the guy paddling the stone boat put his hands up to his head with his fingers splayed out and went, 'MIND. BLOWN.'
Aquaman: "But then more successful cultures were all, 'What big dumb dumbs! Thinking one sea was seven seas?! Ha ha ha!' And then an even more successful culture went, 'Oh? You think they're the dumb dumbs, dumb dumbs? Have you ever heard the term--' And he looked dramatically over one shoulder. And then slowly turned his head to look over the other shoulder. And then he fixed his gaze back on the now drooling with anticipation dumb dumbs and said, 'Ocean.'"
Aquaman: "And then everybody's minds were literally blown and the Seven Seas had to be discovered all over again. Thank you. I hope I get an A+."

I can't find where I said it because I'm eternally unorganized and can't remember most of the things I've written from commentary to commentary, but I'm pretty sure when I speculated as to what Aquaman would be doing after fighting Black Mantis and Ocean Master and dealing with Atlantis, the only thing he would have left to deal with are Japanese Whalers and Dolphin Killers. Well guess the fuck what?

The Japanese Whalers have gotten their hands on some Atlantean Whale-killing tech and are having a gay old time. Literally a gay old time because whaling is an old career and whalers loved doing gay things to each other. Sheesh, read Moby Dick sometime!

Paul Pelletier has a funny way of drawing Japanese people! Maybe these guys are Icelandic or Norwegian! Wouldn't that just be typical of DC? Even when they're portraying bad guys, they have to pick white guys! Except of course when Aquaman's enemy has "black" in his name! Black Manta really should have been a Japanese Whaler.

Aquaman shows up with a squad of Atlantean Whaler Killers to stop the horrible abuse of ancient land mammals that signed a treaty with Atlantis for protection if they only moved into the ocean. I'm pretty sure that happened. And since the Atlanteans are defending the whales, maybe the weird coral-looking Whale Cannon the Whalers are using isn't Atlantean Technology. Unless Garth is some kind of black market Atlantean Tech fence! Maybe Dolphin sold the tech to the Japanese Whalers so they'll leave the dolphins alone!

Oh! I get what's happening. Those fucking whales are so Goddamned noisy with their singing all of the time, some Atlanteans can't get any fucking sleep. So they sell some Atlantean Whale Killing Tech to the land dwellers and have them silence those loud-mouthed water mammals!

After Aquaman stops the whalers, the Sea Devils (who have been fighting against the whalers themselves) climb on board the whaler's ship and yell at Aquaman.

Aquaman: "Thank you, Sea Devils, for helping us defeat these bloodthirsty villains!"
Sea Devil Dean: "You're a fucking terrorist and nobody likes you."
Aquaman: "Jesus fucking Christ in a pita pocket. You land-dwellers act as if your genitals are constantly caught in the pincers of a crab."
Sea Devil Judy: "Tee hee! I'm just doing this to research a part in a movie! Tee hee!"
Sea Devil Dean: "Fucking Judy. You do realize you've been Rebooted, right? Drop the stupid actress bullshit!"
Sea Devil Judy: "Hey asshole! We've only been in the Reboot for like ten fucking seconds. How do you know I'm not an actress?!"
Sea Devil Dean: "Well look at fucking Little Nicky. Not so little anymore, is he? And does it look like we're Frogmen searching for lost treasures and battling ancient underwater civilizations?"
Sea Devil Nicky: "Actually..."
Sea Devil Dean & Judy: "Shut the fuck up, Nicky!"
Aquaman: "I don't have all day here, guys. Did you need to do something other than calling me names?"

Because of this confrontation, Aquaman earns the mistrust of the human Sea Devils as well as the mistrust of the Atlantean Men-of-War. Arthur just can't win.

Afterward Aquaman goes to talk with Amanda Waller about some arms dealer selling Atlantean Technology on the international black market! I fucking knew Garth was up to no good! Actually, the technology that's being sold is stuff scavenged off of the bottom of the ocean left over from the very, very recent war between Boston and Atlantis. And "scavenged" is the operative word here because the page before Waller and Arthur discuss the world's hatred for Atlantis, Scavenger is shown scavenging the tech on the bottom of the sea. I had no idea who Scavenger was but I recognized his Shark-mouth Scuba Suit from the cover of Who's Who #XX. Apparently he's super mysterious and once devolved into an infant and then into sperm (or an egg (or both?)) and then into Limbo. But that probably never happened since that's old time Pre-Crisis History. That's so far removed from The New 52 that it might as well be a Marvel story.

Waller mentions that Orm may possibly get the death penalty for leading the attack on Boston. Really? It was just fucking Boston. Everybody calm down! Aquaman looks worried even as he declares that Orm wasn't a scapegoat and that Orm really does need to be punished for his decision to go to war. I think Aquaman is in denial because he wants to fit in so badly. But he should really listen to Waller here. She knows what she's talking about. Orm is absolutely a scapegoat. And if Waller had any feelings at all, she'll remember this moment and stick Ocean Master (Orm! Sheesh!) on the Suicide Squad so he'll stand a chance of beating the electric chair. But since Waller doesn't have any feelings at all, Orm had better just hope one of her super secret not-so-secret Suicide Squad missions takes place underwater.

How does Amanda know how Atlantis feels? Where does she get her information on everyone? She even knows why Mera wants nothing to do with Atlantis! Does Amanda have a better version of Who's Who than I do?!

Of course Waller being Waller, she immediately gets on the phone and tells her contacts they should take Mera now. Oh Amanda. You unfeeling bitch. Somebody throw a pie in this woman's face already.

While Mera is shopping, a bunch of cops show up to take her to the station for questioning. Well, that's not as bad as what I expected. I thought we were going to get a Mera/King Shark throw-down! Dammit. Now that's what I want to read!

While Mera is being arrested, Aquaman answers Amanda Waller's question.

Now aren't you feeling even a little badly about ordering Fish and Chips in Issue One?

Now I'm having one of those weird moments I think only girls are supposed to have. I feel all queasy in my stomach and my mouth wavers a bit and my vision becomes blurry as if I were walking in the windswept rain. This is not a boy feeling at all! How come I don't want to punch or fuck something right now? Why do I want to hug kittens and save puppies?!

Aquaman's Vuu Vuu Vuu telepathic waves reach all across the oceans and are eventually picked up by some guy beneath Antarctica who says, "King of the Seven Seas? How wrong you are." I don't know who this guy is but since he seems to have a problem with Arthur declaring himself King of the Seven Seas, it's probably Poseidon (even though he's super busy right now fighting The First Born in Wonder Woman).

Aquaman #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. There were a few beats in this issue that were really well done and which I really enjoyed. You can tell I liked it because I completely forgot to make fun of Aquaman while reading it! I still think he's being a bit harsh and cruel toward his brother but he may eventually send Murk and the Men-of-war to free Orm since the land-dwellers are threatening to give him the death penalty. More likely, Arthur will just kind of look the other way as Murk and the Men-of-war free Orm on their own and they become Ocean Master's loyal henchmen.