Thursday, March 7, 2013

The Reverse-Flash! (as seen in The Flash #17)

Part 17 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Eobard Thawne, alias Professor Adrian Zoom [Perhaps the best name and alias in DC History? After Tinya Wazoo, of course.]
Occupation: Professional Criminal [And master of paradox!]
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: 25th-Century Earth
First Appearance: FLASH #139
Height: 5'11" Weight: 179 lbs.
Eyes: Blue Hair: Strawberry Blonde [What is that? Near ginger?]

HISTORY
"Physicist Dr. Walter Drake devised a 'time satellite' that he could send into the future, and the second Flash (see Flash II) donated one of his costumes to be put into the satellite [Why? I need to read this comic book now to find out the reason for this!]. The time satellite arrived in the 25th Century [Wouldn't it have merely passed through all the centuries, not technically "arriving" in any one? I think I have different ideas about sending things forward through time than Dr. Walter Drake has], where the criminal Eobard Thawne got hold of the Flash costume within it. Thawne amplified the super-speed wave patterns in the costume so as to give himself the power to move at super-speed when he wore it [Well that seems a bit like cheating! He didn't need to be struck by lightning or anything?]. Dubbed 'the Professor' for his scientific talent, Thawne now changed his nickname to 'Professor Zoom.' Since Thawne planned to use his powers to commit crimes, not to stop them as The Flash did, he reversed the colors on the costume [And how did he manage that? Future science, I guess!] and called himself [Wait for it!] 'the Reverse-Flash.' Arriving in the 25th Century, The Flash defeated Zoom [Now fucking hold on just a minute! What the hell kind of sentence is that? It came out of nowhere just like The Flash! How did The Flash know some guy was being a jerk in his costume in the 25th Century? Did The Flash leave his house keys in his costume's pocket and realize he needed to go to the future to retrieve them instead of just changing his locks? Seriously! This makes no sense that The Flash had to travel in time to stop this guy!].

Zoom first came to the 20th Century to force Mr. Element (see Mr. Element) to help him gain the power of super-speed again. Later, Zoom gave his own body the power of super-speed through his 'ultra-speed' science [Oh, well that fucking explains that then!].

Zoom trapped The Flash in the 25th Century and came to the 20th, where he temporarily gave himself the physical appearance of Barry Allen, The Flash's alter ego. Zoom intended to take over he roles of both Barry Allen and The Flash and even to marry Allen's fiancee, Iris West [What an asshole.] However, The Flash broke free of Zoom's trap, again defeated Zoom, and married Iris himself [That was a stupid trap anyway, trapping someone in a future time. Because it doesn't matter how long it takes them to break free since they can travel back to any time they need to stop you. The Reverse-Flash is dumb!].

Later, Zoom apparently became dependent on wearing a special costume to activate his super-speed power. Obsessed with Iris, he again impersonated Allen and tried to kill Iris when she discovered his imposture [Maybe I was a bit hasty in calling him an asshole. This guy is a gigantic asshole. He couldn't find any women to love him in the 25th Century?]. The Flash thwarted Zoom once more, but Zoom later returned and demanded that Iris forsake The Flash for him [And pathetic! Did I mention how fucking pathetic this jerk is?]. When Iris refused, Zoom murdered her [Holy shitbat insane! Now I'm really beginning to worry for Barry about this guy's appearance in The New 52! He's a maniac!]. (However, Iris had been born in the 30th Century [Wait. WTF?], and her parents transplanted her spirit into the body of a 30th-Century woman, as the Flash discovered years after Iris's 'murder.' [What? What did I just read? Was that supposed to read Iris's parents transplanted her into a 20th-Century woman? Or was she born in the future, transplanted into the past, killed, but then had her spirit shoved into some poor unsuspecting innocent woman of the 30th Century? What the fuck was going on in this comic in the Silver Age?!]) The vengeful Flash battled Zoom, who became trapped in another dimension.

Thinking Iris dead, Barry Allen fell in love with a young woman named Fiona Webb. But Zoom escaped and tried to murder her on the very day she was to marry Allen. In saving her life, The Flash broke Zoom's neck, killing him [Jesus Christ! This has to be the most disturbing, most confusing Who's Who entry yet!]."

POWERS & WEAPONS
"The Reverse-Flash used various means during his career to give himself the power to move at superhuman speed. He could attain velocities equal to the speed of light (186,000 miles per second [Thanks for the clarification! I guess in the days before the internet, these kinds of facts were hard to come by!]) and had superhuman endurance. He had absolute mental control of his own atoms and molecules, and could vibrate his atoms so fast that he could pass harmlessly through solid objects.

Zoom also possessed telepathic powers [Well shit. Of course he did.], and devised the science of "ultra-speed," which enabled him to achieve amazing feats by speeding up the movement of subatomic particles."

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