Abra Kadabra! (as seen in Titans #1)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Unknown
Occupation: Former Stage Magician, now Professional Criminal [Really? Now? As if it isn't a crime already to pay people to watch magic.]
Marital Status: Unknown [Come on! He's a magician! Obviously unmarried. And a virgin.]
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: 20th and 64th Century Earth [He might have the biggest base yet!]
First Appearance: FLASH #128
Height: 6'6" Weight: 195 lbs.
Eyes: [Magical! Um, I mean] Blue Hair: Black

HISTORY
Frustrated by a lack of audience acceptance in his native 64th Century, since the superscience of that time made his magic tricks commonplce, Kadabra stole an experimental time machine and journeyed to the 20th Century to become a star. After failing to attract an audience in the traditional manner [Annoy the fuck out of people on the street until you can get a membership to the Magic Castle?], Kadabra used his futuristic scientific knowledge to commit a series of daring robberies [So instead of using his knowledge of futuristic science to perform what our limited knowledge would think of as magic, or instead of using his knowledge of futuristic science to patent a shipload of technology that could help the world, he uses his knowledge of futuristic science to rob convenience stores?], forcing his victims to applaud his criminal actions [Oh, okay. I get it now. Totally makes sense.], thus providing Kadabra with the acclaim he so desperately craved. Originally, Kadabra stole merely to gain attention [but now he needs to pay rent and shit too?], but he now devotes much of his time attempting to gain vengeance on his archenemy, the modern (Barry Allen) Flash (see The Flash).

POWERS & WEAPONS
Kadabra uses 64th Century science, specifically in the areas of teleportation, telepathy, and telekinesis, the science of the mind over matter [Or, you know, bullshit.], to perform acts which seem truly magical. He often channels his powers through a slim magic wand, but this is merely an affectation [Hipster!] and is not necessary. Kadabra's forte appears to be effecting bizarre physical transformations on his foes (i.e., turning The Flash into a living wooden puppet).

The Outsider! (as seen in Trinity War)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Alfred Pennyworth
Occupation: Attempted Murderer [For fuck's sake. That's not an occupation! What next? Attempted Plumber? Attempted Doctor? Attempted Babysitter?]
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: Julia Pennyworth (possible daughter) [Oh Alfred! You scandalous man you!]
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Gotham City
First Appearance: DETECTIVE COMICS #356 (First Manifestation: DETECTIVE COMICS #334)
Height: 6'6" Weight: 225 lbs.
Eyes: Black Hair: None

HISTORY
When Alfred Pennyworth, butler to Bruce Wayne and confidant of Batman (see Batman II) and Robin (see Nightwing), learned that his friends had been captured by gangsters and condemned to death, he succeeded in saving them, but lost his own life in the process. Later, however, it was found that Alfred was not dead, but had been discovered, in a death-like trance, by a scientist [Who probably couldn't leave well enough alone, judging by the picture. Fucking amoral scientists!]. In an attempt to revive Alfred, the scientist subjected Alfred to the rays of an experimental machine that, to his surprise, not only revived Alfred, but transformed him into another being with a bizarre appearance and great mental powers. Calling himself The Outsider, because "I am outside the human race," the transformed Alfred now wished to kill Batman and Robin, rather than aid them. To this end, he made several attempts to slay the Dynamic Duo over the next few months, each of which ended in failure. He finally confronted his foes in person, which resulted in his defeat and his transformation back to Alfred Pennyworth. Alfred retains no memory of his role as The Outsider, and Batman has kept from him the knowledge that the transformation has ever taken place, feeling that the news of Alfred's treachery might kill him, even though he is not responsible for his evil alter ego's actions. Alfred has since been transformed back to The Outsider several times.

POWERS & WEAPONS
The Outsider's powers are psionic in nature, enabling him at assume telekinetic control over anything he touches, as well as permitting him to transmute matter, affect teleportation over limited distances, and communicate telepathically. His advanced brain is also capable of mastering scientific principles that today's savants cannot begin to comprehend.

Gorilla Grodd! (as seen in The Flash)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Variously Drew Drowden, William Dawson, an anonymous derelict [So did Grodd turn into a giant ape after being struck by lightning while doused in Dumpster juice?]
Occupation: Would-Be World Conqueror [To be fair, this is the occupation of all anonymous derelicts]
Marital Status: Formerly married [You know. Before he turned into a great big stinking ape.]
Known Relatives: Baka (wife, separated) [Ha ha. I chuckled that her name was Baka.]
Group Affiliation: Secret Society of Super-Villains
Base of Operations: Gorilla City
First Appearance: FLASH #106
Height: 6'6" [So just an inch taller than The Joker!] Weight: 600 lbs.
Eyes: Gray Hair: Black [And all over.]

HISTORY
Grodd was the greatest scientific genius among the highly evolved and extraordinarily intelligent gorillas living in Gorilla City, a hidden civilization in equatorial Africa (see Gorilla City) [Okay, so I got it backwards! He's the greatest scientific ape in the world and he cashes that all in to be a human bum.], Grodd made repeated unsuccessful attempts to conquer Gorilla City and the world, most of which were thwarted by the second Flash (see Flash II). (An account alleging Grodd and the other gorillas of Gorilla City to be extraterrestrials is totally erroneous [In other words, disregard that one story by that one hack that made no fucking sense anyway.].)

Years ago, Grodd used his telepathic powers to read the mind of Solovar (see Solovar), Gorilla City's leader, and thus discovered how to control the minds of others through "force of mind." Grodd returned to Gorilla City, and psionically took control of its soldiers. Solovar enlisted the aid of the Flash, who detested Grodd [What did Grodd ever do to Barry Allen to deserve such hostility?]. Later, Grodd apparently lost his new power [By ingesting some tainted fruit? By pissing off the Gorilla Gods? Through sheer laziness and sniffing his fingers too much?].

Still later, Grodd used an evolution accelerator to transform himself into a human being [Do I have to list all the things that don't make sense about an "evolution accelerator?" How about just the big ones? How would the accelerator know the outside forces working on the species that would help form it to better survive? How about the fact individual species don't actually evolve? You need birth after birth after birth to effect the change and that overall change is determined not by what the species wants to become but what is best to survive the environment around it? But I bet the big dumb ape simply evolved into a human, right?!]. Calling himself Drew Drowden [I suppose the name is all the explanation that nerdy Gorilla Grodd evolved into a nerdy human?], Grodd found a means to give himself tremendous mind-over-matter powers [Again, a little lacking in the details.]. Upon reverting to gorilla form, Grodd lost those powers and was again defeated by the Flash.

Unable to escape his Gorilla City cell physically, Grodd killed his own body and projected his mind into the body of a human named William Dawson. Dawson's released mental essence began wandering the cosmos. Eventually, Dawson's body turned into a duplicate of Grodd's original gorilla form [Fucking typical.]. Sometime later, Grodd somehow regained his power to control the minds of others and his mind-over-matter powers [Somehow? Probably an editorial snafu.], and could use all these powers in his gorilla form.

Dawson's mental essence returned to Earth and transformed an anonymous derelict into a highly evolved human form, into which Dawson's mind projected itself. Calling himself Psykon, Dawson used the great psionic powers he had acquired to battle Grodd. Grodd forced an exchange of minds with Psykon, but Grodd's own psionic powers were too weak to maintain Psykn's physical form, and Dawson, now in Grodd's body, used his fading mental powers to cloud Grodd's mind and to turn Grodd's body back into his own human form.

Grodd has since regained his full intelligence and mental powers and has psionically transformed himself back into his gorilla form. He is currently imprisoned in Gorilla City [This might be the most confusing character in the old DC Universe. I think maybe it was Grodd that was the reason for the Crisis on Infinite Earths. "Hey? Does anybody know if Grodd is currently a gorilla?" "I think there is a gorilla named Grodd but the mind of Grodd is in some guy named Dawson!" "But isn't Dawson currently a bum that looks like a Gorilla?" "Fuck it. Start the whole thing over."].

POWERS & WEAPONS
In addition to his natural telepathic ability, Grodd possesses extraordinary "force of mind" powers. These enable him to mentally control and transform matter, to levitate immense objects, to project powerful mental force beams, to control the minds of others, and to transfer his own mind into another body, among other feats. Grodd's mind is so powerful that it can transform the human bodies into which he has projected his consciousness into duplicates of his original gorilla body.

Like other members of his species, Grodd possesses colossal physical strength that is far greater than that of either a human or an ordinary gorilla.

Grodd is a scientific genius who has mastered Gorilla City's advanced technology and created many incredible inventions of his own.

The Reverse-Flash! (as seen in The Flash #17)

Part 17 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Eobard Thawne, alias Professor Adrian Zoom [Perhaps the best name and alias in DC History? After Tinya Wazoo, of course.]
Occupation: Professional Criminal [And master of paradox!]
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: 25th-Century Earth
First Appearance: FLASH #139
Height: 5'11" Weight: 179 lbs.
Eyes: Blue Hair: Strawberry Blonde [What is that? Near ginger?]

HISTORY
"Physicist Dr. Walter Drake devised a 'time satellite' that he could send into the future, and the second Flash (see Flash II) donated one of his costumes to be put into the satellite [Why? I need to read this comic book now to find out the reason for this!]. The time satellite arrived in the 25th Century [Wouldn't it have merely passed through all the centuries, not technically "arriving" in any one? I think I have different ideas about sending things forward through time than Dr. Walter Drake has], where the criminal Eobard Thawne got hold of the Flash costume within it. Thawne amplified the super-speed wave patterns in the costume so as to give himself the power to move at super-speed when he wore it [Well that seems a bit like cheating! He didn't need to be struck by lightning or anything?]. Dubbed 'the Professor' for his scientific talent, Thawne now changed his nickname to 'Professor Zoom.' Since Thawne planned to use his powers to commit crimes, not to stop them as The Flash did, he reversed the colors on the costume [And how did he manage that? Future science, I guess!] and called himself [Wait for it!] 'the Reverse-Flash.' Arriving in the 25th Century, The Flash defeated Zoom [Now fucking hold on just a minute! What the hell kind of sentence is that? It came out of nowhere just like The Flash! How did The Flash know some guy was being a jerk in his costume in the 25th Century? Did The Flash leave his house keys in his costume's pocket and realize he needed to go to the future to retrieve them instead of just changing his locks? Seriously! This makes no sense that The Flash had to travel in time to stop this guy!].

Zoom first came to the 20th Century to force Mr. Element (see Mr. Element) to help him gain the power of super-speed again. Later, Zoom gave his own body the power of super-speed through his 'ultra-speed' science [Oh, well that fucking explains that then!].

Zoom trapped The Flash in the 25th Century and came to the 20th, where he temporarily gave himself the physical appearance of Barry Allen, The Flash's alter ego. Zoom intended to take over he roles of both Barry Allen and The Flash and even to marry Allen's fiancee, Iris West [What an asshole.] However, The Flash broke free of Zoom's trap, again defeated Zoom, and married Iris himself [That was a stupid trap anyway, trapping someone in a future time. Because it doesn't matter how long it takes them to break free since they can travel back to any time they need to stop you. The Reverse-Flash is dumb!].

Later, Zoom apparently became dependent on wearing a special costume to activate his super-speed power. Obsessed with Iris, he again impersonated Allen and tried to kill Iris when she discovered his imposture [Maybe I was a bit hasty in calling him an asshole. This guy is a gigantic asshole. He couldn't find any women to love him in the 25th Century?]. The Flash thwarted Zoom once more, but Zoom later returned and demanded that Iris forsake The Flash for him [And pathetic! Did I mention how fucking pathetic this jerk is?]. When Iris refused, Zoom murdered her [Holy shitbat insane! Now I'm really beginning to worry for Barry about this guy's appearance in The New 52! He's a maniac!]. (However, Iris had been born in the 30th Century [Wait. WTF?], and her parents transplanted her spirit into the body of a 30th-Century woman, as the Flash discovered years after Iris's 'murder.' [What? What did I just read? Was that supposed to read Iris's parents transplanted her into a 20th-Century woman? Or was she born in the future, transplanted into the past, killed, but then had her spirit shoved into some poor unsuspecting innocent woman of the 30th Century? What the fuck was going on in this comic in the Silver Age?!]) The vengeful Flash battled Zoom, who became trapped in another dimension.

Thinking Iris dead, Barry Allen fell in love with a young woman named Fiona Webb. But Zoom escaped and tried to murder her on the very day she was to marry Allen. In saving her life, The Flash broke Zoom's neck, killing him [Jesus Christ! This has to be the most disturbing, most confusing Who's Who entry yet!]."

POWERS & WEAPONS
"The Reverse-Flash used various means during his career to give himself the power to move at superhuman speed. He could attain velocities equal to the speed of light (186,000 miles per second [Thanks for the clarification! I guess in the days before the internet, these kinds of facts were hard to come by!]) and had superhuman endurance. He had absolute mental control of his own atoms and molecules, and could vibrate his atoms so fast that he could pass harmlessly through solid objects.

Zoom also possessed telepathic powers [Well shit. Of course he did.], and devised the science of "ultra-speed," which enabled him to achieve amazing feats by speeding up the movement of subatomic particles."