Teen Titans #16

Pretty sure this is also his first laugh as well.

Someday I'd like to meet Scott Lobdell and have a beer with him. On that day, I'd apologize to him. I'd apologize for the fact that I was never, ever going to stop pointing out how badly he writes comic books. Of course there is a flip side to this promise! I also promise to never stop pointing out how well he writes comic books. Except that part has yet to happen so it seems like I'm completely biased against him. Now he has written a few good scenes but one or two scenes doesn't constitute a comic book. I have a feeling Scott likes the idea of writing comic books more than he likes the act of writing. He probably likes coming up with characters and possible conflicts but then he doesn't like having to write them in an interesting and believable way (I use believable in a very loose sense since I am talking about comic books here). Instead he writes a bunch of omniscient characters who seem to know how everything will turn out. But maybe this issue will be different!

If this issue doesn't begin with Character X saying, "My name is Character X!", I will comment on the comic book as if it's the best thing I've ever read. I know that's more of a Tom DeFalco thing but with Lobdell plotting and Nicieza doing dialogue, I have a feeling he might come through for me here.

Nooo! Goddammit! This is going to be the hardest commentary I've ever written!

This is a really fantastic opening scene. Red Robin was conscious last we saw him in Teen Titans but The Joker always poisons everybody so it was just a matter of time before the drugs kicked in and he fell unconscious. That's probably when Red Hood dropped into the pit. And then in Red Hood and the Outlaws #16, we saw the Joker put drugs on the inside of the Red Hood mask he put on Jason Todd. So that's why Jason Todd is now lying motionless next to Red Robin probably Narration Boxing away as well except we don't get to see what he's thinking right now because this isn't his stupid comic book. But what's really fantastic about this scene is how smart it shows Tim Drake is. Just in case somebody is nearby reading his mind, he adds Bruce Wayne to the list of people that The Joker is trying to break to punish Batman. Although why would Batman care about Alfred? I guess he probably likes the way he makes Batman's tea when Batman comes to visit Bruce at Wayne Manor to discuss money.

I wonder if by the next page, Jason Todd will be back on his feet and feeling groovy since he's immune to all kinds of paralytics thanks to the All Caste! And since Scott Lobdell wrote that comic, he'll remember that point and use it to his advantage!

The next couple of pages are thankfully filled with Narration Boxes to help the reader understand the character's motivations and to help the reader understand the art that he's looking at. It's good to know that Tim Drake wouldn't want anybody else at his side when confronting The Joker or this box that makes me tear up just thinking about it:

I know that Jason Todd was dead before Tim Drake ever even approached Batman to be the next Robin so it's nice to know that they became close after Jason Todd came back from the dead. This is a really heartfelt moment.

Well, maybe the few times they did talk, they really, really bonded!

The Joker comes in and tells some hilarious jokes to the unconscious heroes although some of them must have been too smart for me because I didn't quite understand them. Some of the words he uses were too complicated for me as well, like "lonliness." But I could tell it was probably The Joker's best material in the entire Death of the Family run because The Joker was really cracking himself up.

Red Hood still wasn't moving but he must have kicked the toxin and was just waiting for his chance to strike. I'm certain Lobdell couldn't have forgotten what he wrote in Red Hood and the Outlaws #15 since I hadn't forgotten it and I didn't write it at all. Scott Lobdell is always so consistent in the way he approaches causality!

But The Joker doesn't have time to wait for Red Hood to ambush him so he dumps a bunch of water on them and that shocks them out of the effects of the drugs! Boy, that's good to know that's a thing so the next time I throw one of my heroin-and-cocaine-fueled get-togethers, I'll keep some buckets of water ready to splash on anybody that overdoses.

Pre-Harvest Tim Drake always has a plan! Yes, there is enough ambiguity in Legion Lost #16's reveal that one one-millionth of Captain Atom is actually Harvest for me to continue to believe it's Tim Drake, dammit!

After waking them up, The Joker reveals his big surprise! He has two men with potato sacks on their heads tied up in the room with the Reds! And they have signs around their necks that make the Reds believe that these are their fathers! Oh no! Would Red Hood even care about this? I was actually hoping for Jason Todd's little brother in Joker make-up. Yes, another thing I believe that doesn't have any supporting evidence is that The Joker took Jason Todd's mother's unborn baby (now borned by The Joker!) before he killed her and raised it himself. Because Jason Todd's mother was either pregnant or fat just before she overdosed and since she was skinny when Jason Todd found her dead, it must have been a baby. Or really bad gas.

Meanwhile the Titans and Outlaws are trying to figure out what they should do next when Scott Lobdell treats us to one of his perfectly timed and tension filled single-panel foreshadows!

What makes you think he's interested in the Titans, Solstice? It's you he turned human for a few seconds so he could ogle you naked.

The page after this is a Kurt Lance plot point page! And it turns out he is interested in the entire team because Waller is interested in the entire team. Why does DC have such a boner for Amanda Waller? They won't be happy until she's running every fucking group in the DCnU. But before Kurt can finish his thought about how they could make the Teen Titans useful, he's attacked by a corpse!

Does everybody in The New 52 have a resurrection machine? Do they all have their own Samsara Projects? Because Harley Quinn killed Grey Lora and she killed Grey Lora in events that happened before Death of the Family. Which means Basilisk can resurrect people. Which means Regulus is far from dead.

I don't know who blasted Kurt Lance into unconsciousness but it was probably Regulus.

The page after Kurt Lance is felled is about Trigon and Raven. That's smart! Scott Lobdell knows that this issue is all about getting Red Hood and Red Robin to The Joker's Batman party and he doesn't need a lot of space to do that. So instead of filling pages with The Joker telling mean-spirited yet hilarious jokes, Scott Lobdell takes the time to hint at a bunch of future plots. One of which is Trigon sending Raven to Earth, probably to fulfill a plan that's already totally planned and pretty much going to come to pass no matter what anybody does because Trigon's already thought through all of the possibilities and taken necessary precautions against failure.

Wow. Raven's new costume is awful...ly amazing! Wow! The feathers blocking her features are just an insipid feature! I mean inspired! Stupid auto correct!

Back to the Reds, The Joker makes them fight each other to the death. Whichever one lives gets to keep his father. While Tim Drake is busy telling the Joker they aren't going to fight each other, Jason Todd is busy trying to fill Tim Drake full of bullets. While fighting, Red Robin figures out how to beat the Joker. He breaks the window the Joker is watching them through with his Inertron wings and yells, "Hood--now!!" Jason Todd picks up his gun and blows The Joker away.

And that's the end of The Death of the Family!

No, no! Of course it isn't! Scott Snyder has one more issue to show how The Joker didn't know everybody's secret identity even though it's really hard to believe he didn't know after some of these Death of the Family spin-off stories. The Joker obviously knew Red Robin and Red Hood would come up with this plan and he knew exactly when they would do it too! So at the last moment, he switched his body with a body full of knock out gas (the special kind that the All Caste didn't teach Jason Todd to be immune to) and he catches the former Robins with their mouths open. They fall unconscious and he drags them off to the party in the Batcave. Since it really looks like the party is in the Batcave, I guess the Joker knows some secrets!

This issue ends not with The Joker holding one covered serving tray but two. So has there been a serving tray for every member of the Bat-family? I was simply assuming there was only one. That kind of changes up what could be under each one. My guess is cupcakes.

The Teen Titans #16 Rating: +One Million Rankings! Fantastic. Great job. Kudos. I can't wait until the next issue when I haven't lost a bet with myself!

An Interlude with Grunion Guy

THE SPOOKY CASES!
Episode One: "Ore-Gone Gone Wild!"
By Grunion Guy

Journal Entry, Today, 4:21 AM: My name is Super Special Agent Agent Dully. I think I made my boss mad and since I am FBI and my boss is the president and I'm working in a basement with a weirdo guy who works on weirdo cases even though he's super hot and could probably be the president of the president even if he wasn't so hung up on some childhood secrets he has that I'll probably learn about in a future episode. Today was my first day on the job and it would probably be a lot more exciting if I told you about it in a flashback instead of in my cute little girl journal.

Flashback, Today (or yesterday, I guess, since 4:21 AM is tomorrow), 8:33 AM: It was today and Super Special Agent Agent Dully entered the FBI sub-basement to meet with her new partner, Kit Kat Mulberry.

"Hello, Special Agent Kit Kat Mulberry," yelled Agent Dully.

"Oh my! You caught me looking at my pornography!" shouted Agent Mulberry as he threw a pencil into the ceiling and put his porn down on the giant stack of porn that was next to the other giant stacks of porn. "I mean, I was doing research," corrected Agent Mulberry who was not at all embarrassed by his lack of socialization and his awkward way with other people that made him indulge in porn and prostitutes and spooky mysteries.

"Mmm-hmm," bored Dully.

"Well, I know you are here to spy on me because I am very intuitive unlike you which is weird because I am the man and you are logickal like a man but you are a woman. Also, I am the emotional one too," reverse-cliched Agent Mulberry just to let everyone know where they all stood. "I don't believe you," contradicted Agent Dully as she crossed her arms and stared at him like he was a little kid who was full of lies even though he was the only person full of truths.

"Well, you'll soon see since I just got this crazy Spooky Case faxed to me on this out-dated technology that is really funny to see. Also, look at my giant cel-phone and my pager too!" Agent Mulberry spoke the truth even when it was embarrassing.

"That is neat but it is no match for my wicked bobbed hair and horrible shoulder pads. But that is beside the point since we have a Spooky Case to solve which I'm sure can be solved in a most rational and amazing way in which I ignore all of the weirdness with logickal logick babble and I also will probably trip and fall or be distracted at the end of the case and miss the Spooky part which you will see and make you want to believe the truth even more," remembered Agent Dully.

"Anyway, the case is in Ore-Gone," mispronounced Agent Mulberry. "I am sure it involves aliens somehow! It will probably involve a lot of weird lights also since our FBI special effects budget was cut when we were sent to work in the sub-basement (which I should clarify isn't the basement of a submarine but a basement of a basement. Unless I'm wrong)," nodded Agent Mulberry effectively and ensured that lots of women would love this show because he's so gorgeous. He also ate a sunflower seed.

"Well, we should get going since we only have until 4:21 AM until I begin writing my report on you, I mean, on our Spooky Case." Agent Dully had let the bat out of the cab.

"Aha! I knew you were here to spy on me so that you could get enough proof to shut down the Spooky Cases since I'm positive the government which I work for doesn't want me working for them but they keep paying me for some reason which I'm sure someone will explain in a later episode when they realize this set-up is kind of shallow and lame. Especially since I'm working on cases that could ruin all of their careers which is why they keep them in the sub-basement instead of burning them for some reason," pondered Kit Kat very effectively.

So Agent and Kit Kat caught their plane out to Ore-Gone and an hour later were in a small town by a forest because Ore-Gone only has small towns surrounded by forests.

"We don't take very kindly to your kind," drawled the Sheriff and the Autopsy Doctor. "Jinx!" said the Sheriff and the Autopsy Doctor kicked the dirt and said, "Aww, shucks! Not again!"

"Did you see that?" considered Kit Kat. "I think there are aliens here!"

"You got that from the way they said the same thing at the same time!" Agent Dully was amazed and she also added, "Aliens aren't real, Kit Kat."

"No, Dully! Three graves are missing the kids who were killed in the forest mysteriously and were replaced by alien corpses but those are gone too now!" revealed Kit Kat because he was good at seeing things and also he had read the Spooky Cases report while on the plane. "I didn't mention that stuff to you so I could know more than you and seem smarter while you just appear negative and belittling."

"Oh, that makes sense. Perhaps we should investigate the forest where the kids disappeared since I'm sure it wasn't aliens and also the bodies in the coffins were just monkeys, I'm sure of it," exhumed Agent Agent Dully.

"I'm sure you're right, Dully," patronized Kit Kat since he knew there was more going on then that but he was tired of talking to people who weren't weird and capable of believing the stupidest, most unplausible things ever.

"Before going to the forest, perhaps we should interview some crazy kids who knew the dead kids before they were crazy and they were dead," FBI'd Dully like a good Agent. Not a good woman named Agent but a good Super Special Agent of the FBI. Although she was also a good woman and hot too.

So Dully and Mulberry headed off to the loony bin and spoke to some kids who would be important later because the kid in the coma is the culprit. But they didn't know that then so they just went back to the forest where the Sheriff yelled at them.

"Get out of our area!" protected the Sheriff as he waved his shotgun in the face of two FBI Agents. "You shouldn't be here even if you are investigating a case! It's our priority or some other word that means you shouldn't be here because it is a case for local police only and not Super Special Agents!" rationalized the Sheriff as he crazily waved his gun around.

"Come on, Mulberry, we should go," panicked Dully who didn't want to be shot in the face with a shotgun even though it would be really unlikely that one law enforcement person would do that to another one just because he was hiding the fact that a comatose boy was kidnapping other kids and taking them to a forest to be abducted by aliens.

While they were in the forest investigating, all of their things were burned up in a mysterious hotel fire set by the Autopsy Doctor. His daughter would rat him out later so that the fire wouldn't be a mystery and so that Kit Kat wouldn't keep thinking aliens were arsonists too. Also, the kid in the coma was the Sheriff's son.

And then a strange light came down from the sky and took away the comatose kid who somehow found his way to the forest with the Autopsy Doctor's daughter and Mulberry saw it happen but Dully didn't because she was rubbing her neck where the Sheriff had hit her with the butt of his shotgun.
"I knew it! Aliens!" Mulberry shot his fist in the air. The Sheriff shot at his own son. But luckily Mulberry made the shotgun point in the air (but not at the aliens, I guess) and the Sheriff didn't kill his own son in shame and fear that his son was a monster killing kids. But Mulberry knew there was more to the story, like Frankenstein, so he saved the coma boy.

"What happened, Mulberry?" perplexed Dully as she walked up just in time to miss the amazing lights and the coma boy returning from wherever he had suddenly gone with the girl who did the same thing.

"Aliens, Dully! It was aliens!" triumphed Mulberry.

"I can't write that in my report. I'm just going to say it was wild bears," decided Dully.

"Oh, you'll learn one day, my skeptickal new friend who I will probably learn to trust one day even though my motto is to not trust anybody," nodded Mulberry knowingly.

"Yeah? Well, not today. This case was not Spooky at all but Silly with a logickal explanation, as you will see in my report that will end the episode," retaliated Dully.

Journal Entry, Some Time After The First Journal Entry: So, we went to Ore-gone and found out that kids were being killed by wild bears. And the strange lights were probably explainable because kids love to have raves in the woods. Raves are things that were really popular that had lights and musick and drugs. And the kids bodies that seemed to be alien bodies were just because the bears mauled them so bad and also because the kids were on drugs and we all know what happens to people on drugs! So, it wasn't aliens and Weirdo Mulberry (which is his nickname that I forgot to talk about) was completely wrong and I don't know why I'm being punished and being forced to work in the Sub-Basement with a pervert who has sister issues (which we'll learn about later, probably) and can't relate to anybody and eats sunflower seeds obsessively and believes anything anyone ever tells him unless it is logickal and rational and then it must be a lie. So, well, whatever, at least I'm getting paid. Until next week! Dully Out!

The End of Episode #1

The Fury of Firestorm #16

I think I saw this as an anime during the after hour movie showings in the movie room at Anime Expo in the mid-nineties.

Fury of Firestorm was ranked at 160 in sales in December 2012. That means comic book fans enjoy subtle homosexual high school romance a little bit less than vampires and a little bit better than high school boys with parasites stuck in space. In other words, Firestorm should probably have been canceled by now. Apparently somebody at DC is optimistic things will be turning around for Firestorm.

Glancing at all of DC's sales numbers for December 2012, it looks like DC is going to have to start canceling two or three titles a month and replacing them with Batfamily titles if they want to get their sales numbers up! I can't believe fucking Demon Knights is barely selling. You people are illiterate heathens! Maybe DC should come out with a Demon Knight Kids cartoon. Cartoons are about the only thing that seems to boost sales on DC Comics. Other than Batman, of course.

And the non-Justice League International Batman (believe me! There's a difference!) has yet to guest star in Firestorm, so sales remain low! I just think not enough people realize that this book is homoerotic teen drama. If they knew, sales would be through the roof because it's terrific!

Last issue, Firestorm had dropped into the ocean and was about to drown because disembodied head Jason Rusch can't take control of Ronnie Raymond's body when he's knocked unconscious. But he can telepathically scream at him until he wakes up.

How come Jason's head isn't upside down when Firestorm is upside down? What would happen to Firestorm if the flame on his head was put out? This is Part Four of an ongoing storyline?!

In the lists of abilities that super heroes have, they'll sometimes mention if a character can survive underwater or in the vacuum of space because they don't need to breathe. But they never list if a person can speak and be understood while in space or underwater. That power just seems to be assumed. I think "not needing to breathe" automatically means they can "be heard underwater or in space." The above page doesn't mean Firestorm has that power since he might actually be saying "Glub glub glubble glub" but Jason hears his thoughts so he understands.

Firestorm spends a few minutes looking for Captain Atom until Ronnie remembers he has to be home in time for the big Homecoming game. That's when the scientists at the Continuum remind me that their Gaydar System, Dataxen, is currently tracking Firestorm. Dataxen is the thread linking the last four comic books together into a semi-cohesive plotline.

Can spending five minutes unconscious really be considered a coma? Perhaps it was a Power Coma.

Later at the big game, Ronnie's team is down by five with seventeen seconds left to play! Will he be the big hero? Or will another super villain attack everyone on the football field again? Will Jason even be able to pay attention while reading news stories on his phone about Firestorm being blamed for the theft at S.T.A.R. Labs? Will Ronnie's mom get lucky with Jason's dad two rows back?

"I can't watch! I'm just going to bury my head in your lap and bury your cock in my glub glub glubble glub!"

Quarterback Ronnie begins calling the play that could win them the Homecoming Game and all the high school glory! But a gigantic flying robot suddenly appears in the sky. Thankfully only Ronnie and Jason notice it or panic might ensue.

Dataxen would probably attack if he wasn't so confused by all the pings his Gaydar is picking up on the field.

Ronnie throws the winning pass but before a single teammate can pat him on the butt, Jason shuts down the lights in the stadium and runs on the field to celebrate by merging with Ronnie. They explode into the sky as Firestorm and celebrate by stuffing themselves into Dataxen's chest cavity. It's all part of Jason's plan to Trojan Horse the Continuum.

Did that last paragraph turn you on too? If so, here's a little more tantalizing innuendo.

You can tell Jason has talked someone through this before.

Once Dataxen enters the Continuum's deepest chamber, Firestorm explodes out of it to take down "the mooks" in control. But first they'll have to engage in a rematch against Relay, Skull Crusher, and the other one. The dark guy in the cape. El Voido or something. During the battle, Dr. Megala wakes up completely and falls in love.

What the fuck is Firestorm talking about?

Before the fight began, Firestorm turned the concrete in the ceiling into something mushy and unstable (maybe it was cereal which is why he needs milk?). The whole place has started to collapse and the entire Continuum is about to explode. So Firestorm ends up having to save everyone in the complex by transporting them out on a giant disk. It's amazing how ineffective the Continuum's super people are. Although it's quite refreshing to see a super hero that doesn't have trouble against a handful of super villains that shouldn't be trouble for him anyway.

In the midst of the rescue, the super smart scientists make a crazy observation.

That's quite the brazen conclusion from a single statement from an old man. I'm forty and I say the same exact fucking thing when I wake up sometimes! And that's after not having been in a five minute long coma.

Does this mean Dr. Megala has forgotten everything about J.T. Krul's run on Captain Atom? Lucky!

In the aftermath, General Eiling arrests everybody in the Continuum on vague charges of terrorism and being smarter than him. Or else he's just detaining them for questioning because he seems to think (wait for the big shock) Firestorm is a big jerk! And he's going to teach him a lesson if it's the last thing he does! Because how dare anybody have more power than the U.S. Military! Power like that cannot be trusted unless it's being controlled by America's corporate interests.

Elsewhere, Red Robin has taken an interest in finding out if Firestorm is a bad guy or not. Yeah because battling a flying nuclear reactor is exactly the threat level that a super smart mortal boy should be tackling. One of his reasons for investigating Firestorm is that the explosion on the aircraft carrier was "connected to the fact that [Firestorm] destroyed a test missile launched by Qurac." Oh yeah. Blame the guy stopping Qurac from causing more trouble! Of course all the things Red Robin is judging Firestorm by are things done while Dr. Megala was controlling him. He doesn't know that yet. But he also doesn't know the thing that's probably the driving force behind The Teen Titans investigating Firestorm: Firestorm is composed of two teenagers in love! I hope next month's cover says, "Firestorm versus Red Robin!" and it just shows Firestorm standing over a smoking pile of ashes.

Firestorm #16 Rating: No change. If you really like your comic books knee-deep in 80s comic book style, Firestorm is for you. I think it's currently at the top of its game since the whole new millennium threat of nuclear strikes by terrorist theme really never felt right. Although I do miss Fury and Scorn and Wrath! At some point, I'm sure they'll be back to explain what the fuck was going on with that Quantum Field craziness. But I can't recommend this comic book any stronger than its current rank because it hasn't really been focusing on the love story. I think Dan Jurgens might not realize that's the strongest part of this comic!

Green Lantern Corps Annual #1

Will the Guardians learn to stop worrying and love themselves?

I thought it was odd that the Rise of the Third Army was ending in the Green Lantern Corps Annual so I dug out a Zero Issue from each week in September until I stumbled upon the advert for the Crossover in The Phantom Stranger. This ad claims the crossover takes place in New Guardians #13-16, Green Lantern #13-16, Green Lantern Corps #13-16, and Red Lanterns #13-16. I guess somewhere along the way, DC decided to not end the crossover in the pages of Red Lanterns, so Red Lanterns #16 doesn't have the Third Army banner on the cover. Although the cover shows Atrocitus with his army of Manhunters which was part of the Third Army story. Perhaps that will just carry over to the First Lantern Crossover that will be happening next (if that's a crossover!). But now I have to pay an extra two dollars for the final issue of Rise of the Third Lanterns? What if I was budgeting my comic books according to your advert, DC? I'd have to go without learning how it all ends! This is almost as bad as the time DC put out the advert that Mr. Freeze was going to make his debut in the Batman Annual and then Lobdell's Red Hood and the Outlaws trumped Batman's Annual! That was so disappointing.

The only thing anybody actually learned from that last paragraph is that I spend too much time thinking about DC's advertising.

The Rise of the Third Army's conclusion begins with Guy, Simon, and B'dg hanging out on the moon wondering what their next move is going to be. How are they going to know about Hal and Sinestro's plan to stick Indigo rings on the insane Guardians? You know what? I don't even like that plan. That plan leaves the Guardians alive to pull this kind of shit again in another billion years. I think it's about time to just shove them all into the anti-matter universe leaving the Green Lantern Corps as a worker owned company. Down with the little blue man! Up with masturbation!

The plan they come up with is simple: Guy Gardner heads back to Oa, finds Kilowog, gets his ring back, warns the Corps, and saves the day. Unless he doesn't save the day. That's where the other part of the plan comes in: Baz and B'dg find Hal Jordan so that Hal Jordan can head back to Oa, find Kilowog, get his ring back, warn the Corps, and save the day! Gardner gets a space suit from B'dg's ring and heads to Oa. B'dg and Baz open the Book of the Black and are sucked inside and transported elsewhere.

I forgot about the Black Lantern Corps in the Masturbation Mythos! But with a guy name Black Hand leading that group, seems like it might represent the negative side of too much masturbation (is that a thing?).

Gardner makes it to Oa and teams up with Kilowog and some other Lanterns I don't recognize. Most of the Corps have been trapped in a stasis field created by the Guardians. If they can't move, they can't touch themselves inappropriately. The Guardians believe that they've taken care of all but one of the human Green Lanterns so they turn their attention to finishing off John Stewart. They send their army to kill him and assimilate Mogo. I have no idea how they intend to have their Borg Lanterns assimilate a planet. Or why they'd even want to. Do planets masturbate? Is that what earthquakes and volcanoes are? Eww. Was Mount St Helens just a gigantic bukake across the faces of everyone in the Northwest? Was Krakatoa a worldwide facial? This planet is disgusting.

Mogo lives again and destroys the approaching Third Army with his ejaculate. Or her ejaculate.

For ancient, immortal geniuses, the Guardians are pretty stupid. Or perhaps they're just arrogant. Every single one of their plans has failed so far and yet they continue on as if each step has been completely successful. I guess I wouldn't be too worried that the narcissistic Hal Jordan or the overconfident Guy Gardner or the self-doubting John Stewart or the Cartoonist Kyle Rayner could stop any of my plans either. I might worry about Sinestro though. I certainly wouldn't worry about the rest of the Green Lantern Corps since they just provide funny looking physiques to fill in the backgrounds in the crowd scenes.

Yeah, you fucking pervs.

More lectures from these jerks? Thankfully Guy interrupts. He distracts the Guardians long enough for Kilowog and the others to free the entire Corps from the Guardians' grasp. And then the war for Oa begins as the Borg Lanterns descend on the planet. The war lasts for about three seconds and then Kyle and the other New Guardians (minus one Red Lantern) arrive to begin disintegrating Borg Lanterns. Guy gets his ring back and everyone begins using Atrocitus's plan to blast the Borg Lanterns in their eyes. Did Atrocitus send that message out? Maybe in Red Lanterns #16 which I haven't read yet and doesn't say it's part of the Third Army. But it must be because here comes Atrocitus's army!

It's nice to see all of the Guardians' armies playing nicely.

The Borg Lanterns begin losing power and the Manhunters, New Guardians, and Green Lantern Corps begin closing in on the Guardians. Ganthet's last gambit is to draw more power from the First Lantern, Volthoom. In doing so, Volthoom escapes his prison and, well, um...I don't know. Everything just goes white.

It's a good thing I don't rank Annuals because this is a bullshit ending to the Rise of the Third Army. No, no. It's not an ending at all! It's just another goddamn Geoff Johns crossover that never fucking ends! It just changes it's name!

Green Lantern Corps Annual #1 Rating: It may have been written by Peter J. Tomasi but this thing has Geoff Johns' stink all over it!

Aquaman #16

I notice Batman has already escaped. Or drowned. I wonder how long Wonder Woman can hold her breath?

This issue begins with Cyborg undergoing surgery inside The Red Room. So The Red Room does exist and it doesn't only store Unknown Known Unknown objects; it also houses a Robotic Hospital. If The Red Room really does exist, then where is The Haunted Tank actually kept? Perhaps it simply teleports itself back and forth between The Black Room and The Red Room since it does have that power. And that's the only explanation that makes sense. Actually other explanations make sense but only if DC editors and writers have made some errors. And I don't want to accuse anyone of making a mistake! Especially when I can do some Fanboy Pretzel Logic and excuse the seeming error with comic book knowledge!

I'm also learning that The Red Room is in Detroit within S.T.A.R. Labs (or relearning if that was mentioned in G.I. Combat). The Black Room is under Washington, DC. I wonder if there are any other color rooms? I would speculate on some possibilities but I'd probably just end up making jokes teetering on the edge of racism. Anyway, I don't see color! The Red Room? The Black Room? They're all just The Room to me!

Speaking of The Room, here's my friend Xan's cat, Truffle Hunter, in his Tommy Wiseau phase. When I saw this picture of Truffle Hunter, I instantly knew where I'd seen that face before. This cat has talent!

While knocked out on the operating room table, Victor (Cyborg!) begins processing security footage from the ship that tried to nuke Atlantis so he can try to figure out who is to blame for this mess. Does anesthesia hamper your ability to dream when it knocks you unconscious? If not, is it possible to have erotic dreams while on the operating table? That could be embarrassing. Or a letter to Penthouse, depending on how the doctors and nurses react.

Let me take a moment to revise my chess analogy from Justice League #16. I think Aquaman is definitely the King. Dr. Shin is simply a pawn. Superman and Vulko are his Bishops. Mera is probably the Queen. Wonder Woman and Batman are knights. And Cyborg is both castles due to his dual nature. On the other side of the board, Orm is the king. Orm is the Queen. Orm is the bishop. Orm is the castle. And Tula and Garth are knights. I don't know many people on the Atlantis side of the board! Maybe it would be easier if I just compared the conflict to checkers! The Justice League is Red and the Atlanteans are Black! Perfect!

Meanwhile at the bottom of the ocean, Aquaman escapes from his Solid Water Casket while Batman begins lasering his way out. Superman and Wonder Woman are even further down in the trench where the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underwater Dwellers live. These are the guys from Aquaman's first story arc, The Trench. They were the most boring part of that story. The best part of the story were the people making Aquaman jokes. And Mera. Mera was a really good part of that story too!

Aquaman and Batman in a Pod swim deeper in search of Wonder Woman and Superman.

Sure, now Batman figures out it was wrong to fight each other. How many times are they going to have this conversation after beating the hell out of each other? This is at least the second time.

Up above, Firstorm, Hawkman, Black Canary, Black Lightning, Element Woman, Vixen, and a tiny person (perhaps Goldrush? I don't know who that is) are battling the Atlantean army to keep them in check. Hawkman gets a couple of mediocre panels that are better than everything in his regular title. And while these pawns are battling at the front line, Cyborg is ready to plunge into the Atlantic with Mera to save the Justice League. Except they don't plunge; they Boom Tube. The arrive at the location of Batman's distress call just in time to save them from being eaten by the Trench Creatures.

Ugh! I know how you feel, Batman. Who wants that guy stinking up your comic book?

Meanwhile two pages of comic book are wasted on a dramatic rendering of the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underwater Dwellers emerging from the ocean. I suppose it's very dramatic. If it were any smaller, I wouldn't take the threat seriously. But since two pages were used to portray the event, I'm really frightened!

Aquaman and Mera come to the conclusion that the Trench Creatures have risen to the surface to help out Orm's army. But he's just as fucking surprised as they are when the creatures appear! His army begins to be torn apart as the reader realizes a third person must be behind it all! And that's when Victor's program finishes processing the security film from the ship that started this all.

Well shit. Chess doesn't have three sides! Maybe this is Chinese Checkers?

Aquaman #16 Rating: No change. This is probably one of those comic books that action-oriented comic book fans love. But it's simply mediocre for an unloved, cynical asshole with a degree in literature. But fuck that. Forget the rankings. I'm done talking about Aquaman. Let's fucking talk about this:

Is this the New 52 version of Jonni DC?

I knew Ambush Bug would find his place outside of continuity somewhere! I guess he'll be commenting on it. I hope whatever this is it isn't just a bullshit rehash of DC Comics All Access or the other lame features they keep trying to shove in the back of the book. Be funny and informative! I just hope sticking Ambush Bug in this News 52 thing doesn't keep him from eventually appearing elsewhere.

What is love?

"Nasty Infections Part Two: Rotten Pot." Shade the Changing Man #60 by Peter Milligan, Mark Buckingham, and Rick Bryant.

Justice League #16

I guess the part where they talk out their problems falls through. Oh, who am I kidding? When has rational discussion ever been attempted in a comic book?

This cover shows Geoff Johns trying too hard. We all know Aquaman is his current pet project so he wants to make him look as bad-ass as possible by standing his ground against the entire Justice League. I take it we'll all be enjoying huge company wide crossovers of universal importance centered around Aquaman in the years to come. Except they won't be that universal because they'll all be happening at the bottom of the Atlantic ocean. And sales won't be that great because everyone will once again be bored with Aquaman in a year or so. Although I think I see how Geoff Johns can keep Aquaman popular this time. If he keeps interspersing Aquaman stories with Mera stories, I think it will work. But I don't think Aquaman needs to be a member of the Justice League anymore. My friend Doom Bunny made a copy of the flowchart Steve Trevor passed on to Amanda Waller so she best knows how to utilize her new league.

That's pretty accurate. Although I'd probably add a level so if the answer to "Is Batman available?" is no, the chart would ask, "Do we have time to wait for Batman to become available?" And if that is no, the next one should read, "Has anyone tried Batman's pager?"

So the cover takes over where Aquaman #15 left off: Aquaman became pissed that he was being disrespected by the Justice League (again) and wasn't going to take it anymore. It was time for yet another in-house Justice League brawl. I guess when you're as powerful as the Justice League, your only worthy adversary is yourself. Or an old writer with cancer. Or a woman in leopard spandex.

Aquaman knocks Superman out because it's a silly comic book and they can get away with printing any ridiculous thing they want. But that's what Superman gets for standing around and not acting aggressively toward Aquaman. Hasn't he been in enough good guy on good guy fights to know that you always have to get in the first punch or you're fucked? He's still so naive. Batman tries to have a discussion with Aquaman but that fucking asshole calls him Bruce right there in front of Orm and everyone! I can tell Batman was about to teach him a lesson for that careless mistake when Batman gets zapped by Orm's magic trident.

Just go with it Orm. The surface dwellers are confusing bastards.

You know what? Fuck it! Stop trying to figure out these fucking land dwellers that are always so quick to punch each other in the throat. Who needs 'em? Do whatever you think is right, Orm.

Whoa whoa whoa. Don't get crazy!

While this invasion is beginning, Cyborg is rescuing Dr. Shin from Aquagirl because Dr. Shin is a really important chess piece in this gigantic game of global checkers. He's probably the Queen and Cyborg just castled him back to the Justice League Watchtower so he can be kinged.

Now I didn't just pull the chess analogy out of my ass (there I go again being unable to resist using "ass" and "analogy" in the same sentence!). I was just thinking of chess because Orm, the king of the sea, is obsessed with figuring out who the king of the land is. Obviously he thinks it's Batman at first except Batman is so totally the Knight. Cyborg is obviously the Rook and perhaps Dr. Shin is the King since Cyborg is castling with him. Wonder Woman is the Queen and not just because she's a woman but because she's probably the most useful member of the Justice League in a war. That leaves the Bishop for preachy ass Superman. I wonder if this entire battle can be mapped out as a game of chess.

A very sexual game of chess.

The Justice League loses the battle against Orm pretty quickly when he blasts them all with lightning controlled by his Trident Relic. So now it looks like the Justice League can add "Aquaman's brother" to the list of enemies more powerful than they are. That list just gets more and more embarrassing. Orm encases them all in solid water (I think there's a more technical term for that) and takes them underwater to be punished. That leaves only Cyborg left to rescue them and Cyborg has already shown his reluctance to set a metal foot in the ocean. It looks like it might be time to remove that human lung and have it replaced by more gears. Time for a trip to S.T.A.R. Labs!

Am I the only one that now wants a comic book based inside S.T.A.R. Labs and written like episodes of Degrassi Junior High?

It's nice to see the first (I think?) reference to the Metal Men. This is the second mention of Red Tornado but the first mention of this Earth's Red Tornado. And while I'm generally against spying on our fellow citizens and ratting them out to the authorities based on a person's own subjective and biased observations, I think there should probably be a program set up where other scientists report crazed behavior like Dr. T. O. Morrow shows here. Nip that mad scientist shit in the bud! This guy is obviously unstable and they just go about their business while he rants and foams in the background.

Cyborg's lung removal and SCUBA insert surgery will take a few hours so he feels the need to call on some super heroes the League has been scouting to help out.

I'm most excited about Urania. If Element Woman is actually Element Girl alive and well again.

I guess I'll find out more about Element Woman in Aquaman #16 which I have sitting here ready to read next! But first: SHAZAM!

Dr. Sivanus is still collecting Sins while Black Adam finally confronts Shazam. And after Black Adam kicks him across town a few times, Shazam learns what I figured he was going to learn last time. Changing back to Billy has its advantages. Shazam turns back into Billy so Black Adam can't find and kill him and then runs and hides in an alley. Apparently Freddie was the funny one because this issue didn't have one joke in it! Unless you count Billy's ability to defend himself. Ha! Loser.

Justice League #16 Rating: No change. I feel like I'm just speeding through the issues of Justice League where everyone is fighting simply to get to the issues when everything is calm and the team members stand around talking about how much they distrust one another. Those are my favorite episodes. Also the episodes where Steve Trevor overhears them baking cookies and he thinks they're having an orgy because Steve Trevor thinks terms like "pounding dough" and "preheat to 425" and "add the M&Ms" and "grease the shit out of that thing" are all sex terms. Hmm. Maybe he's right. Did Mr. Roper ever hear Jack Tripper fucking someone in the kitchen and innocently assume he was making an omelette? I feel like I've asked that question before. Have we all asked that question before?