Constantine #4

Yay! A Father's Day issue!

Happy Father's Day, all you suckers! This is the day I don't call my father because why the fuck didn't he ever call me when I was growing up? I actually think that's pretty close to the line I used that drove my father off of Facebook for good. He never really liked Facebook anyway because he's old and paranoid. But then one Father's Day, he had a status update hinting about how he was waiting around for a phone call. So I responded how familiar that feeling was. He became serious and apologetic and weepy. I told him to calm the fuck down and what did you expect from a no-good smart ass kid that basically has the same personality that he had? Cat's in the Cradle much? But I think the public airing of a part of his life he's not proud of pushed him over the edge and he abandoned Facebook.

Sure, that story makes me sound cruel, especially to people who really love their fathers. But waiting around for your father to call or visit for fifteen years plants a bitter little seed in your heart that you don't even know is there until it blossoms into a righteous Oedipal vengeance and strikes in the most opportune time! That opportune time was of course a stupid Facebook status update.

My dad would hate this blog! Happy Father's Day, everybody!

Moving on to Papa Midnite, I'm going to guess he was a priest in the Catholic Church who was excommunicated. So he began his own traveling church slash biker gang and he goes from town to town bringing the love of God's dogma down on the heads of stupidly innocent backwater Jesus lovers. Because Catholics put dogma over Jesus. It makes sense. If you want to become the richest and most powerful people in the world, you can't tell everyone to just follow Jesus. That's silly and allows for too much free will and freedom of interpretation about how to live ones own life! No, you need to set down some serious concrete rules that must be followed or else HELL AND DAMNATION, YOU FUCKING BLASPHEMERS!

Also, I have a pretty good feeling Papa Midnite is actually a practitioner of Voodoo. I just wanted to avoid getting cliche in my mouth first thing in the morning.

The issue begins with Constantine attending one of Papa Midnite's Holy Midnight Massacres.

First rule of Voodoo School: Never forget your machete!

Papa Midnite runs the Voodoo themed gang in New York's rich and storied gang world. That's kind of close to a Catholic themed biker gang! Constantine stole something from Papa Midnite and now John must pay. But since John seems to have found himself in a situation where he has no power, I have to assume John has all the power. He's the master of the power reversal. The greatest trick Constantine pulls is making everybody forget that he's the master of the power reversal. He just acts like he's about to lose, casually smokes a cigarette, says some charming shit, and suddenly he's the winner! Then everybody else stands around thinking, "How did he do that?!" Well, that's probably what they would be thinking if they weren't thinking, "I can't believe all of those guts used to fit into my taut and sexy belly!"

So three hours earlier, John was hanging out in the pet store over his apartment and shooting the shit with Dotty. Dotty's husband George always thought of John as a son because John helped him and Dotty out when nobody else would. How sweet! I'm sure John had no selfish motive in helping Dotty and her husband at all! And I'm sure Dotty's husband George's death had nothing to do with John at all! Dotty offers John a piece of advice: hang out with your friends more!

Oh Dotty, you cruel bitch. Now I'm sure John had something to do with George's death and this is Dotty acting like an innocent old woman but purposefully twisting a knife in John's heart. I think I might be too cynical.

John heads out for a leisurely walk and ends up beaten and bloody in front of Papa Midnite. As was seen earlier, John seems to have stolen something from Papa Midnite. I bet it was one of his zombies.

Nope, not a zombie. That wasn't my real guess anyway! You can't say I was wrong when I was only joking! What John stole was a Sounding Skull (you all know what that is, right? Sheesh. Play more Dungeons and Dragons, why don't you!) because John's business since he left Hellblazer is saving the world. And I suppose the Skull was too powerful for Papa Midnite to use without severe consequences. John feels like he was saving Papa's life and Papa probably owes John a thank you. But Papa probably thinks John owes him a Sounding Skull. But now that the comic book has caught up to the first page, we get to see how John has been in control the entire time.

This is where I'd scan in a picture of John's "turnabout charm" kicking in which causes the thugs who beat him earlier to be beaten themselves. But the scene plays out across two pages and neither page worked very well without a bit from the other page so instead I'm just going to say this: John walks away unscathed and hoping to meet with Papa Midnite at a later time to discuss the Cult of the Cold Flame. Meanwhile, John has a nice day to enjoy with his friends.

This is the scan where most bloggers would say something sexist and derogatory about Zatanna's physical beauty but I'm above that and I never, ever have inappropriate sexual thoughts about strangers I pass on the street.

Zatanna is looking online for spoilers to Trinity War but she tells John all she's getting are vague concepts like somebody's going to die and it's going to trigger a war and superheroes are involved and John argues with Batman and John shakes hands with Lex Luthor. Fuck. I think my dictionary has a misprint because its definition of vague doesn't match Zatanna's use here at all.

John warns Zatanna about Sargon's daughter Sargon since they used to be good friends. And then Zatanna chooses not to fuck Constantine and kicks him the hell out of her apartment. John hits the streets again and finally confronts the guy who's been following him all issue.

I'm pretty sure it said, "Click click."

John sends the thug on his way when the gun doesn't fire and heads back home to have a parrot tell him, "Tomorrow it begins--fifty million deaths after light fails--like John like John--". I guess the stupid Trinity War is about to Prelude all over itself in Pandora #1! I don't know who is going to die to begin the whole thing though. I don't think Catwoman's fake-out death counts.

Constantine #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. Constantine is a sad man with great sadness. But he's doing what needs to be done and he seems to be getting by doing it. And he loves magic and power too much to not endure the loneliness and sadness the magic brings to his life. He gave up London willingly to pursue it just as Zatanna, it seems, has had to give up music due to her dealings with it. And even though Papa Midnite didn't really play much of a role in this issue, I have a feeling he'll be around a lot more over the life of this comic.

Vibe #4

How can you be betrayed by somebody whose trust you've never earned in the first place? Punch him in the throat, Batman!

Vibe has begun to get suspicious of A.R.G.U.S. and Agent Gunn and Amanda Waller. I would say it's about time but he's actually come to the realization much quicker than I would have expected. Perhaps he'll run into Batman as he's investigating the Justice League of America. That pronoun was meant to be ambiguous because I think they'll both be investigating the JLA when they end up sneaking backwards into each other in a dark subbasement hallway.

The issue begins with Agent Gunn's wife starting an argument.

Why do so many strong, young black men got to go for these white bitches?

Casey has no idea what he's arguing for. All Casey wants is for Gunn to wear a stupid ring when he's at work. A lousy ring! Casey really wants to risk his life for a tiny, insignificant, minute little point? Casey! Wake the fuck up, dumb dumb! A.R.G.U.S. fucks with super villains heroes! Somebody is eventually going to get pissed and you think you're going to be able to defend the home with your dish soap soft hands? You're in construction, right? Perhaps you should get busy with the fucking coffin.

Meanwhile I forgot that someone in a strange blue and gold costume had infiltrated Vibe's inner sanctum. That's his bedroom. And he's got half a message to deliver to Vibe and by gum he's going to deliver it!

Success!

Meanwhile Gypsy is busy gathering her super hero uniform and helping the homeless and recovering spilled popcorn. She seems like a very sweet interdimensional devil warrior. Too bad A.R.G.U.S. and Vibe are going to hunt her down and bring her to justice! That'll teach her to try to better her life in another dimension without all of the proper paper work. How dare she take jobs from Prime Dimensionalists! Just because she has a good attitude and a hard work ethic doesn't mean she should be allowed to earn Prime Dimensional Currency! Go back where you came from, you shape-shifting Breachie!

Oh, I once wrote a comic book about aliens coming to America! I'm linking to it instead of posting it here because the font probably won't be readable when I reduce it to 620 pixels. But I assure you that I wrote at least half the shit over there at No Apologies! Press! I'm The Red Lizard King in the Editorials section and I also wrote Dwarflover, Superball!, True American History, Quasi-Thinking (which would be a terrific Tumblr site), Sci-fi Tales, Movie Reviews, and co-wrote Reading Rainbow Outtakes, Future Retard, and Crazy Asian Drinks. The majority of Grunion Guy's stories are posted there as well. But enough about the past, eh? Especially when I didn't provide links to each bit. Like anybody is going to do a few clicks worth of work to read any of that old shit. That stuff is ancient history! Over a decade old! Holy fuck I've been writing shit on the internet for a Goddamn long time.

I really like the first one didn't take line. It just says so much about Gunn's life in such a minimal amount of space. Beautifully subtle, really. In that way that isn't too subtle so that only a few readers get it. It's there for everyone but it doesn't bash anybody over the head with a long explication of his time trying to pass. Plus it leaves us with the knowledge that he has a, probably interesting, story to tell.

So Vibe is off to find Gypsy now. I really don't think those two should work together ever again. I mean, Vibe is already working with Martian Manhunter! Now you're going to throw Gypsy in the mix? What next? Steel and Vixen? Disaster!

The crowd is restless and obviously anti-American the way they keep screaming about how they have rights and shit. Don't they realize the government is just trying to keep them safe by keeping them confined? Sheesh! You want to live until your liver gives out, right people? Then give up your stupid freedoms already so that you can feel safer! Geez. Trouble makers.

Vibe gives chase to Gypsy until he's kicked in the face by Batman. Uh oh! I think the Justice League may have gotten wind of Amanda Waller's stupid plan to kill them.

Except Batman is really Gypsy! Oh man! She's so tricky! But shouldn't she get a new name? I mean, really? Gypsy? Isn't that a little derogatory? Why not Spic? Or Kike? Or Nigger? Or Cunt? Or Honky? Or...man. Honky! Why can't we think up a good derogatory slang word for white men? You know why? Because they've usually been raised in a culture that teaches them they have all the power and everybody else is inferior. So there's no real stigma attached to the word. Unless you're someone like my high school friend Soy Rakelson who was constantly upset when white men were the butt of jokes or the punching bags in essays. He'd flip out and wonder why that wasn't discrimination or why people weren't protesting that piece of writing. Man. He had issues. Oh! I think calling white people racist is the best derogatory term you can come up with. Especially if they aren't! Boy, they turn red and sputter and go into a death spiral of verbiage as they try to defend themselves against the claim. The Honky half of me doesn't give a shit about being called anything but the Spic half of me will fucking gut you if you degrade my Spanish ancestors! And let's not even get into sexual orientation! Heterosexual with Continuous Bouts of Narcissistic Self-Love and College Experimental Tendencies.

I bet the name "Gypsy" was simply less offensive than everything I wrote after bringing that up! For the record, I think football teams with Native American mascots are bullshit. Fuck everyone who thinks that's okay.

Looks like Vibe isn't going to be in the JLA for very long.

By collapsing the ceiling on A.R.G.U.S., Vibe gets a moment to speak privately to Gypsy. He discovers that she was left behind as her tribe moved through this dimension and she simply wants to find a way home to her family. Vibe believes her because she's a pretty girl.

Agent Gunn is getting to know Vibe and he realizes Vibe probably just needs to be talked to about Gypsy and what letting her go could mean. But Amanda is a cold-hearted bitch that wants things done her way no matter what may be wrong or right. Fuck reality. Amanda Waller writes reality, bitches. So she calls up her other team to take care of this mess and capture Vibe and Gypsy alive.

This may be my favorite moment with the Suicide Squad so far in the entire New 52!

Vibe #4 Rating: +2 Ranking. This comic is fun and interesting and I like where things are headed. I apologize to Sterling Gates for continuously calling him a crappy writer. Obviously he was merely writing down to Rob Liefeld's artistic level. Man, that's the worst apology in the world because now I need to apologize to Rob Liefeld too! Fuck that! Once he (or someone in his camp) claimed he was basically as important as Jack Kirby to the world of comics, I was done with him. Just because you created a lot of characters that were exactly alike with no personality whatsoever and all had names like Blooddeath and Deathspew and Killalot and Deathkill and Bloodflow and Deadborn and Smashkill, it doesn't mean you were an amazing creator. And just because you created a character like Deadpool, it doesn't mean you "created" the character! You made a shitty character that other people turned into a hilarious anti-hero. It's kind of like Giffen creating Lobo. The potential may have been there but not until Alan Grant got his grubby little mind on him did the character turn into something hilarious and fantastic. Of course he became an overused punching bag soon after that, but that doesn't erase the peak of his career.

Anyway, what I was trying to say was this: I'm sorry for putting down your writing so often, Mr. Gates. I'm very much enjoying Vibe and it's apparent you know what you're doing. Congratulations!

Vibe #3

This isn't a surprise! It's just repeating the end of Vibe #2!

So Geoff Johns is already off Vibe. I realized he was only on the thing to give it a bit of a jump start and then he was going to move on to give a monthly title to the next big DC loser that nobody would ever want to see in a monthly title. Taking over for writing duties is Sterling Gates. The only other thing I've read by Gates is The New 52 Hawk and Dove which was just awful. Although Sterling Gates assured me it was meant to be that way.

The best way to show that a super hero is a really good super hero is to have him fight another really good super hero. They should have some kind of misunderstanding that could easily be talked out but instead comes to blows. The fight will either end in a draw when they realize they don't actually have a problem with each other or when the super hero whose name is on the cover of the comic book beats the crap out of the other super hero. It looks like Kid Flash is about to get his ass handed to him.

The comic begins with Vibe patrolling Detroit because he feels it's expected of him. It probably is because Amanda Waller and Agent Gunn are still listening to and spying on him through his high tech goggles. They're concerned with his ability to keep his identity secret since he's already told his brother and it looks like he's about to tell his father as well. And since his brother Dante is going to eventually be a super villain, they have every right to be concerned. But mostly, Amanda just wants to test out his powers against a Speedster since the main reason he's on the team is to defeat The Flash when the Justice League of America finally goes toe to toe with the Justice League.

And if he's not the key, better that he die at the hands of Kid Flash when it doesn't mean anything than when he has to save the world in the Trinity War!

On Vibe's way home to dinner, he's picked up by a Justice League of America Normie Personnel Transport for a super not-so-secret mission. Vibe can't fly so he's got to ride to the emergencies with all of the normies.

Ammunition that slows down a target still needs to be able to hit the fucking target. Good luck with that.

Amanda Waller is a complete dick. She's using tax payer money to fund an organization that's main goal is to destroy the Justice League, an organization whose main goal is to protect people. But since she isn't in control of them, she needs to stage a war with them and knock them down a peg. It's American Imperialism 101. But she doesn't stop there with her dickish ways. She's also decided to fuck with poor innocent Kid Flash simply to test Vibe's abilities. What the hell has this kid done to you? Well, besides his team infiltrating Belle Reve and embarrassing the fuck out of you and the Squad. Oh. You know, that might be the real reason behind this. She's trying to save face. But what happens if Red Robin realizes she's behind this attack on Kid Flash? Is he going to negate the mystery deal they made where the teams don't fuck with each other in return for that mystery mutual benefit?

During the search for Kid Flash, Vibe constantly chatters at Agent Gunn, asking questions and thanking him for his help and showing interest in his personal life. How long before Agent Gunn feels too guilty to keep up Amanda's bullshit with this kid?

They find Kid Flash pretty quickly in the subway which means they're all unarmed and helpless at nearly the exact same time. Hypo-accelerants! What a joke! Good thing they brought Vibe along! I mean, the only reason they're here is to have Vibe battle Kid Flash so I'm guessing the hypo-accelerants were bullshit and they were all actually just firing blanks. Have I mentioned Waller's a dick? Everybody needs to just stop working for her. Just stop, people. Ignore the nanobombs in your neck. Ignore the possible court martial. Just stop feeding this beast! It's the only way to end her horrible dick influence on the DCnU.

Vibe knocks Kid Flash on his ass with his Vibrator Powers but Kid Flash is off and running again almost immediately. Vibe can see Kid Flash's energy trail, so he hunts him down. Gunn warns Vibe to not engage with Kid Flash and to wait for back-up once he finds Kid Flash because Agent Gunn doesn't want Vibe figuring out that Kid Flash is not a thief or an arsonist or an interdimensional breacher. And Vibe realizes some conspiratorial bullshit is going down because he saw the way Agent Gunn killed that other creature that simply wanted to talk. So Vibe goes rogue.

Oh come on! You have vibrational frequency powers! You can mimic static better than that!

When Kid Flash grabs up Vibe to confront him, there's an energy surge between them and Vibe is somehow able to see Kid Flash's past. This is where someone makes a "or future!" joke. But not me! No sir! Unless I can make a penis or vagina joke, I keep my mouth shut!

Oh! Maybe Vibe can cure Kid Flash of his problem with his vibrational frequency that threatens to tear him apart when he's out of costume! That way, artists can continue to draw Kid Flash out of his costume but not be wrong to do so!

Kid Flash explains to Vibe that he's not a criminal and that he was searching for an odd place he recently had a dream about. He believes it's the place where he arrived from the future. Since Kid Flash doesn't know anything more, Vibe suggests Kid Flash let Vibe touch him. For research, of course. But some pseudo-scientist on Waller's team makes up some stupid mumbo jumbo that sends her into a panic.

I'm pretty sure ARGUS hires Coast to Coast AM "experts" as their scientists. If they can think it, it must be true!

Kid Flash puts a stop to all the touchy-feely bullshit going down because he doesn't want ARGUS to know anything more about him than they already do. Kid Flash takes off telling Vibe that maybe he shouldn't be working for the bad guys. I think that's the first thing Kid Flash has ever said that I agreed with! Kid Flash has been unbearable in all of those books written by Scott Lobdell. But Sterling Gates made him sympathetic and likable in just a few pages. Lobdell is awful!

Sometimes I think my commentaries are just the candy coated shell surrounding the sweet chocolate of a good "Scott Lobdell sucks" statement.

Meanwhile back in Detroit, systems failed all over the place from the time destroying feedback loop created when Vibe fondled Kid Flash. This caused Gypsy's power dampening field in her cylinder to crash, allowing her to take the form of an ARGUS guard and call for help. Another guard opened Gypsy's cylinder to free the guard and Gypsy escaped. You know, this probably wouldn't have happened if Amanda Waller told people the things they need to know. If the guards knew Gypsy's power was to look like other people, they might have been suspicious and not opened her cylinder. I wonder when Amanda will learn that keeping all of the information to herself usually simply backfires?

But in the end, Waller is happy because they determined that Vibe can sever a speedster's link to the Speed Force. He will indeed be useful if he ever has to go against The Flash.

Later, Cisco has a conversation with his soon-to-be super villainous brother Dante. Dante, being a future super villain, knows all the right untrustworthy questions to ask and helps grow the seed of doubt in Cisco's head into a nice little seedling.

That voice at the end might be Gypsy in her native interdimensional travel suit. Maybe.

Vibe #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. Making Kid Flash sympathetic earns the comic +1 Ranks and making Vibe mistrust ARGUS gets it another. At some point, Amanda Waller needs to get knocked into the gutter. She's so unlikable in The New 52.