The Haunted Tank!

Part One of an at least 52 part series of Who's Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

"The Haunted Tank is the nickname given to the series of tanks commanded during World War Two by Lieutenant Jeb Stuart and watched over by the ghost of General Jeb Stuart, the great military leader for the Confederacy during the Civil War.

General James Ewell Brown (J.E.B.) Stuart became famous during the first Battle of Bull Run. He was placed in command of the cavalry under General Robert E. Lee, but was fatally wounded in 1864 at Yellow Tavern, Virginia, during the battle for Richmond.

Shortly after America became involved in World War Two, the spirit of Alexander the Great assigned the ghost of General Stuart to act as the guardian of the Stuart M3 tank commanded by the general's namesake, Sgt. Jeb Stuart, in North Africa. General Stuart was outraged, since Sgt. Stuart and his crew were all Northerners. However, the general was greatly impressed watching Sgt. Stuart and his men in battle. Finally, Sgt. Stuart, who could see the general's ghost, won him over by flying a Confederate flag on his tank and declaring that they would fight under General Stuart's flag. Ever since then, the general's ghost has gladly watched over his namesake, his crew, and whichever tank they ride. (There are other, different accounts of the Haunted Tank's origin, but this is the one most frequently given.)

Only Sgt. Stuart, who was later promoted to lieutenant, and people who are dying can see and hear the general's ghost. Lt. Stuart's crew thinks that he merely imagines the ghost and is partly crazy, but they have complete faith in his combat skills. The general's ghost is allowed to counsel his namesake, but can only give him warnings in cryptic ways.

Lt. Stuart has lost various tanks in battle. In the most recent accounts, he commands a Sherman tank.

Lt. Stuart's original crew consisted of Private Rick Rawlins, the gunner; Corporal Slim Stryker, the driver; and Corporal Arch Asher, the loader. Asher was killed inside a German tank that caught fire and exploded. He was replaced by Corporal Gus Gray, a black Olympic athlete. Stryker, while temporarily acting as gunner, was killed by shrapnel. Stryker was replaced as driver by Sgt. Bill Craig, who had served for thirty years in the army, first with the horse cavalry and later in a tank in World War One. The Haunted Tank then took on its fourth crew member, Eddie Craig, who is Bill Craig's son. Eddie became the new loader, allowing Gus to become the tank's second gunner. Apart from Stuart himself, the only surviving member of the original crew in the most recently recorded adventures is Rick Rawlins.

It is not yet known whether Lt. Stuart and any of his remaining crew members survived the end of World War Two."

First Appearance: G. I. Combat #87

G.I. Combat #7

How did Jeb Stuart and his horse both come to haunt a tank?

Last issue, I realized that the old Haunted Tank stories looked really fun and interesting, at least in comparison to the Tank running over Afghan soldiers and karate kicking Detroit cops (well, that was kind of exciting). And now I'm wondering how the tank became haunted? Well never fear! My mom finally did something right and brought up my 1985 Who's Who comic books! Let's take a look at The Haunted Tank's entry!

Here's The Haunted Tank on the back cover of Who's Who Volume X. Who else can you name? This issue is brought to you by the letter H.

If you don't want to strain your eyes reading the text, here are a couple of pertinent and ridiculous bits: ". . . the spirit of Alexander the Great assigned the ghost of General Stuart to act as the guardian of the Stuart M3 tank commanded by the general's namesake, Sgt. Jeb Stuart, in North Africa. General Stuart was outraged, since Sgt. Stuart and his crew were all Northerners. However, the general was greatly impressed watching Sgt. Stuart and his men in battle. Finally, Sgt. Stuart, who could see the general's ghost, won him over by flying a Confederate flag on his tank . . . ."

So when is the Confederate Flag going to get placed back on the tank, hmm? Wouldn't want to upset the ghost of General Stuart, would we? Maybe they could install a fucking cotton gin on the back while they're at it. Notice that the Haunted Tank's first appearance was in G.I. Combat #87? I have a feeling modern comic book writers just don't know how to tell a modern war story and make it fun for comic books. Nobody wants to read serious war stories, especially when they're all about the same fucking thing: young, brave Americans fighting back the evil terrorists. Or should I say young Americans hoodwinked by imperialist propaganda to kill brown people on foreign soil for capitalist interests and the illusion of keeping people free. Oh, the good old days when a Haunted Tank could fly a racist flag and fight mystic Nazi armies while losing most of its crew every few issues.

I guess I need to stop living in the past even though in the past they were apparently still living in the past. At least this new Haunted Tank is finally facing off against a crazy Nazi weapon: The War Wheel!

I'm pretty sure I could defeat the War Wheel with one well placed brick.

The Stuarts come up with a plan to defeat the War Wheel with a single haunted tank: abandon the tank! The young Stuart runs across the snow and ice while dodging thousands of rounds of ammunition and jumps harmlessly up on the front of the War Wheel like he was a tramp stumbling into an open freight car. I guess he snuck up on the Wheel from the back as it barreled across the snow or else he would have hopped on and instantly been crushed. Luckily, he climbs aboard and it apparently rotates slowly enough for him to climb to the top of it and find an unlocked hatch so he can slip in and defeat it from the inside. Meanwhile, the Haunted Tank shows it's proficient in Greco-Roman wrestling as well as martial arts.

The South will rise again!

After pinning the War Wheel with the Haunted Tank, old man Stuart manages to enter the War Wheel as well. The War Wheel's insides must exist in an alternate dimension or maintains its own gravity since young Stuart doesn't seem hampered by Wheel suddenly falling flat. Inside, they find the Wheel is hooked up directly to The Desert Fox Rommel's brain. His ancestor tells his plan in German so it's lost on young Stuart. Boring story short, everyone is mortally wounded except for young Stuart. He carries his grandpa back to the Haunted Tank.

Later at Old Man Stuart's funeral, Colonel Steve Trevor makes some small talk with Young Man Stuart and his connection to the Haunted Tank. Trevor drops the name "A.R.G.U.S." to see if the kid is interested in becoming a really stupid super hero with a wrestling tank that knows karate. But he seems to just want to live his life. Besides, his comic book has been cancelled.

"Forgive me for committing treason but Colonel Steve Trevor said it was okay!"

The Unknown Soldier story finishes with him killing everyone.

G.I. Combat #7 Rating: Does it even matter? DC already cancelled his fucking title when it was Men of War! And now they've cancelled it again. Big surprise. The actual biggest surprise of this comic book was The Unknown Soldier story! It was simply the plot changing from one potential disaster to another potential disaster with the Unknown Soldier killing every single person he met along the way. Eventually he met the people at the heart of all of the problems and killed them too. This book was generally horrible.

You know what? It does matter! -4 Ranking!

G.I. Combat #6

The Haunted Tank is living in the past. Even if there is a Fourth Reich, it isn't necessarily an instrument of evil.

Here are some comic book titles that I would choose to read before reading a comic book called "The Haunted Tank."

The Unflushed Toilet.

The Stale Potato Chips.

The Abandoned Wok.

The Beleaguered Prostitute.
I know, I know! Y'all want to see this one as well since I took the time to draw the other ones. But I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It's one thing to put the title out there into the world and another one to draw it and create the character of the beleaguered prostitute. If I drew her, she'd somehow become real and I'd have to take responsibility for her troubles and tribulations. But that doesn't mean I still wouldn't rather read about her than the Haunted Tank.

When I was in first grade, I drew a picture of a haunted house that was put up in the Santa Clara Triton Museum of Art. Well, maybe not the actual museum. But they had these outlying structures that were kind of like round houses with elevated floors where they hung art for special occasions. They must have been showcasing art from students in the area and my haunted house was too extremely awesome not to be put on display.

Unless it really was in the museum proper. I don't really remember it very well. I was only six years old! My mother is coming up to Portland to visit for Thanksgiving this year. I think I'll ask her to dig up the picture so I can scan it and submit it for everyone to be amazed. She might also remember the story better. Or I can learn it was all a lie and she had a friend hang the picture up in her garage and took me by the "museum" to see my work.

The reason I'm not talking about The Haunted Tank is because it's not worth talking about. Also, nobody is reading G.I. Combat except for people like me reading DC's entire New 52 line. Which means nobody is actually reading this commentary by me either! So I can fucking say whatever I want here. Maybe I should tell a story that I've never told anybody before in my life?

Oh! Here's one that makes me look awful and socially incompetent. But I take no responsibility for anything the twelve year old me did! That guy is long dead!

It was seventh grade and one of my best friends was Davide Bettencourt. Name not changed so that he can read this confession if he ever Googles his own name. What first really caused Davide and I to hang out as much as we did was his Apple II computer. I still remember in sixth grade standing just on the edge of the field during recess as he described one of his computer games to me. It was a little game called Wizardry. It sounded like everything I'd ever wanted out of a video game! A dungeons and dragons simulation that needed no dungeon master! He described how he had been exploring the first level and he found a sign that said "Corridor Off Limits! Turn back!" I had to play this game!

I ended up spending a lot of time with Davide playing Apple II games, Dungeons and Dragons, and video pinball since his father had a cabinet of the arcade game in their garage. In 7th grade, we began walking to school together since his house was on the way to Buchser. We'd usually walk home as well and probably spend the late afternoon playing games.

One morning before leaving for school, I noticed a fiction book near his computer called The Sword of Shannara. It looked interesting since I read a lot of fantasy books at the time. A few days later, I had my own copy having convinced my mom to take me to B. Dalton's Bookseller to pick it up. The morning I took it to school, I didn't show it to Davide. I decided to hide his copy behind his other books so that he'll see me with my copy in class and think I took his book. Ha ha. Big prank, right?

Yeah, well that's exactly what happened. He called me up after school that same day and accused me of taking his book. I told him this was mine and he said, "We'll see. I wrote my name in it. Show it to me tomorrow." I couldn't believe it! He had accused me of taking his book? What a jerk! Suddenly the joke didn't feel so funny. The next day, I brought the book for his examination. He scrutinized it closely, raising his glasses up to squint at the page, making sure no white out or eraser had been applied. Everything checked out and he let out a sort of hmph noise and that was that.

But that wasn't that, was it? I felt upset and betrayed that he would really think I stole his book. Sure, it was completely stupid and illogical. But maybe part of me wanted him to be angry. Perhaps we had simply been spending too much time together. And I could be a real selfish narcissistic asshole. At the time! Remember how I said that 12 year old is long dead?

That morning, the silence between us suggested our friendship was running on fumes. Once he realized his name wasn't in the book, he may have figured the whole nonsense was done. He'd just have to find out what really happened to his book. Of course, it was right there not two feet from where he was examining my book and I could have easily revealed it and said, "Ha ha! It was a joke! Sorry!" But I didn't. And I was upset in a way that I couldn't vocalize at that time. Betrayed and confused and really over my head with the emotions this seemingly innocent prank had brought to the surface. I knew we wouldn't be hanging around together much more.

So the next morning, I brought a magnet with me to Davide's house and ran it across all of his diskettes. He didn't suspect a thing at the time. Everything to him was still normal. We still walked home from school together that day but everything he did bothered me. He picked a flower on the way home and began ripping the petals from it. Every time he did it, I'd stop and let him walk further and further ahead of me. He occasionally turned back and asked what was up and I don't think I even responded. He headed up his stairs and I went home. I think he ended up calling me later with a short conversation saying his mom was going to be taking him to school and he couldn't walk with me anymore. And that was that. I started walking to school with Philip Newby after that day.

I don't think Davide ever confronted me about what I did. We just stopped talking. One day, Phil asked me about it. He said Davide's sister saw me erase the disks. I, of course, denied it. But I'm sure Phil knew. And even if it were untrue that Davide's sister saw me, it was damn obvious that I was behind it. It's one of the shittiest things I've ever done although I'm sure I've done others that compete with it since then.

I don't know if the twelve year old me was really ever sorry for what he did. But the me of nearly every year since then has been. That 12 year old was a complete jackass.

And then I read some of The Haunted Tank!

Ten pages into The Haunted Tank and all of Scott Stuart's army buddies have been gunned down by the enemy. It's just old man Jeb and his grandson Scott and the Haunted Tank and the disembodied voice of The General left to complete the mission. The mission would still be a mystery except that the cover stated it plain and simple: The Fourth Reich needs to be found!

As the Haunted Tank rumbles across Afghanistan, Crazy Old Man Stuart tells Scotty all about his adventures in World War II while manning the Haunted Tank. The Haunted Tank's mission was to combat all of the weird, mystical stuff that Hitler was up to. As everyone knows, Hitler was after all kinds of mystic and religious artifacts like The Ark of the Covenant and The Holy Grail and The Spear Longinus.

I knew Nazi Zombies were based on historical evidence! Because comic books present historical evidence!

All of the panels showing the weirdness that The Haunted Tank and its crew had to face makes me simply wish that this book was that old book. Nordic Giants. Valkyries. Nazi Robots. Miniaturation. Zombies. Screaming Luftwaffe. That comic book looks like a lot of fun! I guess that's why the Haunted Tank is after the Fourth Reich! That way, the Haunted Tank can battle crazy shit brought to life by a secret Fourth Reich that has been working on mystical and technological craziness for seventy years! Otherwise, the Haunted Tank is simply going to have to run over Taliban foot soldiers with out-dated soviet weapons.

And the Haunted Tank does it's job by taking its two man crew to Antarctica The North Pole to confront yet another Nazi war machine!

Nazis in the Arctic? I wonder if the "N" in N.O.W.H.E.R.E. stands for "Nazi"?

And then it's the continuing story of The Unknown Soldier having to deal with a bunch of radicals with crazy fucking demands.

Make that fucking reasonable demands.

So the horrible terrorists that The Unknown Soldier sound like they really want to improve the government. But tie their wants to violence and the belief that the antichrist has come, and now those demands really sound crazy! I'm pretty sure the antichrist crap is government disinformation to get The Unknown Soldier to attack a group that threatens the government's status quo.

Someone gets a lead that sends The Unknown Soldier into a completely different set of circumstances. So first it's about this Red Jihad being exploded all over America. And then it's about The Constitution Army threatening to improve things. Then there's random violence and a terrorist threat. Now it all comes down to a fake computer game company that's going to steal from a bunch of banks using hackers and everything else was just a smoke screen to distract the government. But it didn't work because The Unknown Soldier found them all! Too bad the issue ends with him being shot in the back of the head.

I mean too bad for him! I'm all for this story arc ending early.

G.I. Combat #6 Rating: -1 Ranking. It only loses one rank this month for the uninteresting Unknown Soldier story. The Haunted Tank story was mostly lame as well but I liked the flashback panels and imagining what a great comic book this would be if it simply reprint old issues of The Haunted Tank.

G.I. Combat #5

When there's trouble you know who to call! THE HAUNTED TANK! From the battlefield he can see it all! THE HAUNTED TANK!

I was really happy that the Zero Issues were over. Most of them were better than I expected but it seemed like the same thing over and over again. DC needs more variety in their heroes. I think half of the Zero Issues were about how someone became Robin. But now that I've got G.I. Combat #5 in my hands, I'm beginning to rethink my position on the Zero Issues. Maybe it was just that the last half of the Zero Issues were the worst of The New 52? Because this isn't a Zero Issue and I'm not looking forward to it at all!

One good thing in this comic book's favor is that J.T. Krul isn't anywhere near it. In fact, I don't think Krul is writing a single comic book for DC this month. And even though that's obviously speculation on my part (see the "I think" part?), some ragged asshole is going to actually the shit out of me because I "haven't read the solicits" or "done my research." One good thing I will say about J.T. Krul is that he's not Ann Nocenti. Holy fuck, she's bad.

The Haunted Tank story begins in a place called "The Red Room." This is different from the Black Room because it's red. It's described as "an unknown area filled with known dangers." How is the area unknown? Who unknows about it? What, then, is The Black Room? A known area filled with unknown dangers? Inside this Red Room is a giant Roman coin, a tapestry made from bones, a pile of Spiderman costumes, a statue with two clawed feet with a crocodile face between the feet and its cock resting on the top of the right foot, a multi-barrel gatling gun, a suit of armor, and The Haunted Tank. The Haunted Tank gets a message to "find him now" and it disappears in an expulsion of green ectoplasmic vapours. This also sets off a siren which will alert the people in the unknow about the unknown place!

And then the action moves to a crazy person's house.

This guy's name is Stuart. I can tell he's crazy because his mailbox outside is empty but he has the flag up! That joke is for elderly people.

Meanwhile, the tank is rolling down a highway in Michigan. And it's haunted! Ooo! Spooky!

The military has sent in helicopters to blow the shit out of it. But they don't realize it's scary!

Apparently it also knows Kung Fu.

After the helicopter shoots a missile at it, the Haunted Tank either teleports above the helicopter and drops on it or did a spinning kick right into its rotors. I'm going to have to go with the Karate move since a teleporting tank might explain why it's haunted but a tank that knows judo is scarier than shit! Is shit really scary or was that just me lacking a creative metaphor? Probably a little bit of both.

The Haunted Tank destroys another helicopter with its Haunted .30 caliber mounted machine gun. Then it decides to take a break as the Argus agents swarm all over it and chain it to the ground. Are these guys stupid? Didn't they see the way the Haunted Tank flipped out earlier? No chains can hold this mother fucker!

Holy shit! It can burrow into the ground too!

Jeb Stuart begins bleeding from his ears or his fingers. It's hard to tell! Not because I don't know the difference between ears and fingers but because he's holding his head and then there is blood on his fingers and the sides of his head! Sheesh! You people really don't have any respect for my near average intelligence, do you? Jerks.

Meanwhile, Colonel Steve Trevor gets all the information he can on Jeb Stuart. I guess since the Haunted Tank was in the Red Room of Known Dangers, they know who the tank was teamed with in World War II. And this Stuart guy is a 98 year old veteran of World War II. Now it's Trevor's job to kick this old man's ass and put that Haunted Tank back in its place.

As Jeb Stuart waits for the Haunted Tank, he occasionally speaks to a picture of him with his great grandson Scotty who seems to be in the military as well. Being that Sgt. Rock was updated to be the grandson of the Sgt. Rock that people actually enjoyed reading about, The Haunted Tank is probably on its way to join up with Scott Stuart. Which means Trevor is about to beat the shit out of an old man that doesn't have anything to do with the Haunted Tank flipping out on the highway.

Except I'm completely wrong and the Haunted Tank actually visits Jeb Stuart for a hand job.

That's it. Nice and slow.

The tank has come to Stuart because Stuart and the tank need to rescue Stuart's great grandson Scotty. He's been taken hostage in Afghanistan and is going to be executed. The tank cannot allow the Stuart bloodline to end. Why? Because who is it going to speak with when all the Stuarts are gone? It'll just be like every other Haunted Tank that nobody knows is Haunted because all of its relatives are dead and it has no purpose anymore.

Just before Scott Stuart gets a bullet in his head, Jeb and the Haunted Tank appear in the cave! Five pages of the Haunted Tank karate kicking Afghani freedom fighters (or terrorists. Depends on whichever the side the person reading this is on) in the crotch and crane kicking them in the face and double back flips and punching shards of bone into brains, the rescue is complete!

Boo! Scared ya, didn't I?

So that's it for The Haunted Tank this month. Basically it's just another fucking modern day war story. The brown guys have some white guys captured and since our politicians have built up this terror war in the minds of everyone, nobody needs any real motives in the comic. "Look! It's brown guys with guns on white guys! The brown guys must be terrorists and need to be crushed under the tracks of a two ton tank!" I guess that's why the next story, Unknown Soldier, is trying a whole different tactic in its storytelling. "Look at the twist we've made! The terrorists in our story are white! Of course they've been trained and brainwashed by the brown guys. But just think how scary it is when you can't profile the bad guys! That's scarier than a Haunted Tank any day!"

The Unknown Soldier story begins in a burned out section of Detroit. Isn't that redundant? HA HA!

I'd apologize to my Detroit readers but nobody in Detroit can read. HA HA! Burned! Oh wait! That's redundant! HA HA!

No, no. Seriously. I kid because I love. I LOVE TO KID ABOUT DETROIT! HA HA!

The Unknown Soldier is checking out a lead on a Super Patriot Group that believes the Government is run by Satan. Or something. So far, it's just the Unknown Soldier in a disguise selling arms to this group. Lots and lots of standing around and talking. I bet after they get done talking, there will be lots and lots of people dying!

While the Unknown Soldier is speaking with these armed nuts, he calls Detriot "D-Troit." That's in his speech bubble. But they sound exactly the same! So is he actually saying to these men, "D Dash Troit"?

The Unknown Soldier treats the entire arms deal like a big joke which makes the buyers suspicious and nervous. And I think that was the point. I think the Unknown Soldier just baited these guys into drawing their guns so he could kill them all! He's a loose cannon that loves to, well, whatever loose cannons love to do. Fall off their mounts? Sleep around with other cannons?

This loose cannon simply explodes in their faces!

The Unknown Soldier kills everyone but the main guy who ends up telling him nothing more than "A Revolution is coming" before a nearby Reaper Drone is hacked and it blows the area to hell. Now what was an armed Reaper Drone doing flying over Detroit?

That was a rhetorical question! See my Detroit jokes above!

Anyway, I lost interest in the whole Unknown Soldier story a long time ago. At least this comic only has two more issues to go. I hope The Unknown Soldier can root out the revolutionary elements in America and make the country safe for a fascist takeover by our well armed government to do as they please! What a hero!

G.I. Combat #5 Rating: -2 Ranking. It loses one ranking because the Unknown Soldier story is boring and predictable. It loses another ranking because now I wish the Haunted Tank really did know karate.