Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight Annual #1 (1991)

Great Mignlola cover. Denny wrote the script. Ten other artists inked and penciled the rest.

I don't know why it took so many people to finish this annual. Probably because it's an annual and everybody working on it had plenty of other regular paying gigs and were cajoled into helping out on this story. Or, and this is way less plausible, Denny O'Neil was all, "I've envisioned the first six pages in Aparo's style. Then nine pages of Giffen's nine panel grids. Then some of Joe Quesada's overwrought craziness! Then, um, just whoever you can get, I guess. But finish with some Aparo! Man, love that guy!"

Batman has journeyed on foot through harsh blizzard conditions to a monastery high in the mountains in Korea (North? South? Denny didn't say!). He doesn't know why he's come, dragging a heavy duffel bag and its unknown contents the entire way. I think Denny picked Jim Aparo for this prologue because Aparo does a really good surprised Batman face.

Batman is surprised that he doesn't know what he's up to.

I'd go as far to say that Jim Aparo is the only artist that has ever drawn that face on Batman. Most artists can't even conceive of a shocked or surprised Batman. But when doing Batman and the Outsiders, Aparo had Batman making this face 80% of the time! "Halo! Put your tits away! Human girls usually wear shirts!" "Metamorpho, stop lighting your farts on fire!" "Black Lightning, you left your wig in the shower again and it scared the batcrap out of me!" "Geoforce, you suck!"

Somehow, Batman fucked up his destiny by choosing violence. The Master, an old man who trained Batman many years ago, says that Batman has embraced violence too eagerly and while he has a gift for it, he warns that it will destroy him. So The Master gives Batman two choices, either embrace peace or — "I'll take the second choice!" yells Batman!

I bet what lies at the heart is a big fucking gun.

Batman is so averse to pacifism that he doesn't even care if total murder and mayhem lie at the heart of a life of violence. What else could it be? Either become Vegan Daddy Hugbucks, or BatPunisher. There is no middle ground!

Batman's challenge awaits on the other side of a mystery door that leads to a world that looks like Keith Giffen drew it and Malcolm Jones III inked it. The Master reminds Batman to take his duffel bag and Batman heads out on his quest.

Batman finds himself in a strange hellscape where a red narration box constantly mocks him. And don't think it's just Batman having intrusive thoughts. Something actually seems to be speaking to him in his mind because it tempts him into leaving his duffel bag behind and he answers it by speaking aloud. Okay, maybe — just maybe — they're intrusive thoughts and he's just arguing with the part of him that really wants to dump whatever the fuck he's been carrying through the mountains. If the end credits didn't specify that Dennis O'Neil was the only person to script this story, I'd really believe that Keith Giffen wrote the dialogue for this part. Maybe he did. Scripting is totally different from dialogue and Keith Giffen knows that better than anybody after working with J.M. DeMatteis for so many years.

If this were Giffen dialogue, it would be a bit snappier. And you'd have to read it four times to figure out what they were talking about.

Batman encounters several devils who try to take the duffel bag from him but he beats the shit out of each one that tries and never gives up his burden. Is this a retelling of The Last Temptation of Christ? Batman never gives in but then the only thing he's been tempted with so far is giving up his heavy bag. If only David Finch or Tony S. Daniels were drawing one of these sections, Batman would be tempted by several women exiting showers and wearing only towels. He'd definitely fail that temptation! I mean, I'd definitely fail that temptation!

Batman discovers another door. On the other side is a world conceived of by Joe Quesada and Joe Rubinstein. He finds he has left Hell and found himself in a medieval castle. So last challenge was by Nikos Kazantzakis; is this challenge by, um, whomever wrote Sir Gawain and the Green Knight! I didn't think that sentence through to the end or I would have formatted it in a way that didn't depend on my (or anybody) knowing the author of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight.

Anyway, it looks like maybe Batman is going to get to fuck a woman and then get fucked by a knight! Two times lucky!

Oh boy oh boy oh boy! It's going to happen! Man, if she turns into a vampire and sics a massive lizard on Batman instead of fucking him, I'm going to be really disappointed.

Batman drinks from the goblet and gags because it's, um, blood. Goddammit!

How do I always forget I'm reading comic books and not pornography?

The vampire explains to Batman that he's free to go if he can get past her giant lizard. She also gives him a hint as to how to kill it. In the previous landscape, the final demon he confronted begged Batman to kill it before it escaped to torment mankind above. But Batman chose not to kill it and it froze in place. Again, Batman chooses not to kill. He tricks the dragon with the old spear-holding-open-the-mouth trick, gets his duffel bag, and escapes. Once again, without killing.

I guess The Master know Batman wouldn't choose pacifism. But he apparently wants to see if Batman can continue to choose not to kill in various violent scenarios, each one more dangerous than the last. Perhaps The Master was worried that anybody who commits as much violence on other humans as Batman does would surely, one day, succumb to actually killing his rivals. So he's brought him halfway across the world to test Batman's will and patience.

I hope Jason Todd's corpse is in the duffel bag!

Batman hikes through the next portal into a challenge drawn by Tom Lyle and inked by Ty Templeton. This one seems to be based on The Day the Earth Stood Still. Do you think Batman will choose murder in this scenario when he can't think of the word that follows Klaatu and Barada?

Oh, sorry. It's based on Earth vs. the Flying Saucers.

Like Earth vs. the Flying Saucers (my knowledge based on Wikipedia and not my stupid memory which I hate even though it's better than Pickle Boy's memory (my writing assistant who stopped remembering things about 26 years ago (based on trying to have discussions with him on House of Leaves immediately after we'd read it and most of his half of the discussion being, "I don't remember that part! I need to re-read it!"))), Batman defeats the alien by using sound. But first he has to call a National Guardsmen fat and shove him to the ground. He doesn't throw a sandwich at him but now, in my mind and stupid memory, he always will have thrown a sandwich at him when I think about this story.

The alien tells Batman that he fucked up by crashing his flying saucer into the Capitol Building and to recover from his humiliation, he needs to kill a human in one-on-one combat. Batman doesn't want to kill him so instead he tells the alien he can just find asylum in America because in 1992, America still cared about helping people. Or maybe it didn't. But Batman did! By not killing the alien even when the alien was practically begging for it so that he wouldn't be the laughingstock of his people, Batman has passed yet another test in controlling his violent nature.

Do you think Batman failed his violent nature test in The Poison Tomorrow when he, arguably, caused the truck to crash off of a bridge and almost certainly kill the two men in the cab? Or was that just part of proving that Batman walks the walk and doesn't just talk the talk because earlier he questioned Green Arrow's decision to save one person over thousands. Batman allowed those two men to die to save thousands of babies because he's a true hero and also it totally wasn't his fault! Those idiots who smashed themselves to smithereens at the bottom of the chasm were responsible for their own lives!

"See you later, fatso!"

Just so you know, I don't approve of Batman fat shaming that soldier even if Batman only did it to save his life. The soldier wanted to fight the alien himself and Batman decided to choose a worse form of violence than actual violence: patting a slightly overweight guy on the stomach and hinting at how fat he's getting. Is Batman my uncle?!

Batman's next challenge takes place in Dan Spiegle's steamy dark version of Gotham. This test will be easy! Batman's spent his whole life not killing people in Gotham!

It might not actually be Gotham though because it's 1920s Chicago and Batman's now in The Untouchables. To pass this test, Batman will have to ignore the advice of Sean Connery! And who can ignore the advice of Sean Connery?! Oh, um, you know what? I hope everybody ignores the advice of Sean Connery because isn't he the guy who said, "You're wife doesn't clean the dishes, you slap her. She yells back at you, you put her in the morgue." Or something like that. I'm not mad at my memory this time because why would I need to remember a terrible quote about domestic violence?!

Batman walks out of the misty night and stumbles on some mobsters bootlegging. They immediately begin firing bullets out of their tommy guns at an alarming rate. You can tell because while most guns go "POW!" or "BANG!", tommy guns go "BRRRAT!" Even Batman finds it terrifying!

How come fans got so angry at Kevin Smith when he made it canon that Batman pissed himself when Denny O'Neil made it canon that Batman shit himself? "BRRRAT!"

The FBI shows up and in the confusion, the Mobsters steal Batman's duffel bag. Batman's desperate to get it back because it probably contains a much needed change of underwear. As well as Jason Todd's corpse, of course.

Batman steals one of the FBI Agent's cars and gives chase to the escaping mobsters. They lead him on a chase directly to the location where they're delivering the illegal hooch. I think in the '20s, if you got the items you were smuggling to your home base, the cops had to stop pursuing you, snap their fingers in disappointment, and say, "Shucks! We'll get 'em next time!" Too bad Batman isn't from the '20s! He crashes his car into the bar and does his chronologically first crashing through the skylight.

Excuse me. I do not think that's true, Batman!

I'm pretty sure the modern equivalent of a speakeasy is just a fucking bar!

See in that panel where Batman notices the trucks are unloaded? Those trucks arrived in the middle of a high-speed chase with loads of gunfire! That's why I made up the thing where I equated playing tag or hide-n-seek to smuggling liquor. Why else would they be so confident to stop running and shooting and casually get out of the truck and unload the booze?

Once again, Batman doesn't kill anybody. He even goes so far in the other direction that The Master must be stroking his beard and raising his eyebrows and thinking, "I've never seen anybody like him!" Because a fire breaks out as Batman gets his duffel bag back and instead of leaving an unconscious gangster to roast, he tries to save him. It doesn't work because the floor collapses sending them into an underground river and the gangster drowns but, you know, in a test like this, it's mostly about Batman's intentions and less about how successful he is.

Look, he did everything he could. Now it's up to the unconscious man to save himself from drowning.

Falling in a river and resurfacing acts exactly like walking through a door so now Batman's in the world of James Blackburn and Michael Golden. I've never heard of either of those artists! I've heard of John Blackburn but not...I mean, no, wait. I've never heard of him either! Not knowing Michael Golden is just ignorance on my part. I've seen, at the very least, his Man-bat profile in Who's Who (the binder version)!

Is that the right-way round?

Batman finds himself in a snowy landscape. He decides, after so many tests, the best thing to do is take a nap in the snow. Sure, he's also soaking wet from the plunge in the river. But he built a fire! And his suit probably has electric blanket technology sewn into it.

Before he can freeze to death in his sleep, Batman's awakened by the butt of a rifle in his back and being called a pig in German.

Has anybody actually shit the same pair of trousers twice?

Uh-oh. This is Batman's real test! It's like that time Mulder found himself on a ghost ship full of ghost Nazis and he wanted nothing more than to kill every single one of them because they were the perfect symbol for everything he stood against. Meanwhile Scully was all, "There's no such thing as a ghost! Where is everybody? How come I don't get to participate in this story?!" What I'm trying to say is if there's something that Batman feels he can reasonably kill without feeling like he's actually killed anything, it's an undead Nazi. But The Master might not agree with that technicality!

Batman, having dealt with zombies probably at least forty or fifty times in his career, realizes fleeing is his best option. Besides, this test isn't "Stop undead fascism". This test is "Can you live by violence without letting it corrupt you into killing your enemies"? Up until now, Batman's had an easy time of it. Does he kill a demon begging for it? No, you never help a demon! Does he kill a dragon? No way! He's just doing his dragon thing being a dragon! Do you kill a pathetic alien loser? Why waste your time? Do you simply let a mobster burn to death even though none of it is really your fault? No but you probably shouldn't have let him drown either! So The Master is all, "I need to make this test hard! What or who can I throw in front of Batman to really tempt him into murder?!"

Uh-oh. Now I want him to fail! I don't want to think about what it says about Batman if he passes after this test!

Dennis O'Neil has written the only story that matters! How far will Batman go to preserve his rule about not killing somebody? How much evil will he allow to remain in the world just so he can look Superman in the eye and say, "Well, I've never killed anybody" (and then mutter, "Technically.")? Because as we saw in The Poison Tomorrow, Batman has the capacity to think about "If somebody raises some thing or person or ideal above everything else (Green Arrow needing to save Dinah (or Batman needing to never have killed!)), then how many will die (thousands of babies (or, in Batman's case, everybody The Joker murders after every time Batman doesn't kill him))?" Surely Batman isn't responsible for every murder The Joker commits when Batman catches him but doesn't kill him. Because Batman is just following Jesus's words and ideals about redemption. And also Gandalf's!

Batman decides his only way to escape this army of undead Nazi's is to use Hitler as a hostage. As he chases the tank with Hitler in it, it crashes backwards through an old bridge. He has his chance! Does he save Hitler? Or does he let him fall?

So Hitler was a metaphor for an even worse evil? The Joker?! That's backwards, right?

Batman realizes that the voice that's been mocking him all along was The Joker. And the head wound he kept receiving in every "fantasy" was an actual head wound he received from The Joker throwing a rock at his head. Yes, the burden he was pulling along all this time, the burden the voice kept trying to get him to leave, was The Joker. Batman was hallucinating from a fever brought on by the cold and the head wound.

Batman's grand philosophical response to this debate is "Shut up." Everybody online could learn a thing or two from Batman.

At one point, The Joker learns that Batman hallucinated that The Joker was Adolf Hitler and The Joker is all, "I'm flattered!" Which is the appropriate response by The Joker because having The Joker be all anti-Nazi and constantly trying to prove it with that bit where he's insulted by The Red Skull's Nazi affectations is stupid, useless bullshit. He's fucking crazy. He's a murderous madman. Proving that even he hates Nazis doesn't mean shit. "Oh, wow! Even The Joker hates Nazis! Well, let's applaud The Joker for having one rational belief although none of his beliefs are rational so why are you relying on this one being so?!" This, for me, is The Joker's canon response to Nazism and Adolf Hitler! He's pleased as punch to be anywhere in Hitler's league! That says more about how shit Hitler and the Nazis are than having The Joker somehow defend hating them!

Apparently Batman and The Joker were in a plane crash and Batman is dragging The Joker to an army medical station. On the final page, Batman answers the question as to why he won't kill The Joker and it's all the standard bullshit that I can't buy into. "Oh, I'd be no better than you!" "Oh, I believe all life is sacred even the life of a person who keeps taking lives over and over again and promises to keep doing it." "Oh, I just don't want to give you the satisfaction of seeing me fail my test." Maybe those answers are satisfying to some people on some level. But I still think the only real reason to keep somebody like The Joker alive is practically religious. It's utterly Christian. And it's the thing I said earlier about Christ's words on redemption. But, as I also mentioned, it's more because of what I learned from Gandalf. We don't have the right to bring back those who have died even if they deserve to be alive, why do we think we have the right to take the life of those we think should be dead? Of course, Gandalf's early words to Frodo are given the strength of an author writing like 900 more pages to prove Gandalf right when Gollum, who everybody wanted to kill, accidentally saves the world when Frodo loses the strength to do so. I guess real life isn't that cleanly written and perhaps there are some people who a real life Batman should kill. Or maybe we should develop techniques to convince evil people to kill themselves! That shouldn't be too hard, right? Maybe some Christian Rock band can learn how to backwards mask some hypnotic shit like that!

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight Annual #1 Rating: A-. I know I don't rate annuals. But guess what? I'm tired of ending every annual explaining to readers why I didn't rate the stupid fucking annual! And since my ratings on every other comic book don't actually mean shit (seriously. Try to make sense of them! It'll drive you mad!), why not just rate these fuckers too? This issue might have gotten an A+ if that last page where Batman explains himself to The Joker was left out. He should have just left his response as "Shut up." This is the problem with Batman and the Internet! People always feel they need to explain their positions to other people who don't actually give a shit about your position or your explanation. They're just the fucking Joker trying to rile up your shit. Even "Shut up" is too much. You do know just about every site (except the Nazi site now, I guess?) has a well-executed Block function! Use it, guys! Use it for everything! Man, I block people who haven't even engaged with me who just slightly irritate me! Sometimes I'm just in a mood and I don't want to see a screenshot on Bluesky from Twitter and I'll be, "Get the fuck out of here, BronyFucker2003!" And that'll be after really enjoying some of BronyFucker2003's anthropomorphic animal sex sketches!

Justice League America #26 (1989)

This issue has a hidden naughty word on it!

It would be easier to find the hidden word if this issue were called "Duck Hunt" but it's not. Here's a hint: the naughty word is a synonym of "barn owl."

Imagine if, in 1989, The Huntress had shot Batman in the face with a crossbow bolt. That shit would have sold more issues than when Superman couldn't even win a fist fight. I would have purchased multiple copies and wallpapered my room with that disastrous panel (except the one section of wall where my Poison poster hung).

I wonder why The Huntress was about to shoot Batman in the face in this scene. What was Batman doing to Blue Beetle passed out in trash? Do you think Batman is a sleep creeper? The correct answer to that question is "Obviously." You don't live in the same mansion as Dick Grayson and not caress that sweet butt at least once while pretending to tuck him in.

For the youngsters out there, that weird gray rectangle near Batman's foot is something called an "audio cassette." It was the MP3 of the late 70s and the early 80s. Maybe even later because CDs could never be trusted if you needed music while walking or running or biking.

This issue is called "Slice and Dice! or 'There's something very wrong with Blue Beetle!'" I don't know where the convention of naming a story like this comes from. Like at the end of The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle, the narrator would be all, "Be here next week for Slice and Dice! or 'There's Something Very Wrong With The Blue Beetle!'" Except, in that case, both titles would be some dumb pun about how the current episode ended. I'd come up with some examples but I'm terrible at puns.

Currently, Guy Gardner is reading porn and yelling at the phone. No wonder Ice is going to fall hard for him. What a man!

Blue Beetle winds up picking up the phone because Guy Gardner was too manly to answer it. When he does, he winds up in some kind of post-hypnotic trance, leading him to stab Oberon and trying to kill Max Lord. Hmm, no wonder Max Lord eventually shoots him in the face.

See? This is why I like Guy! Instead of constantly harassing the women in the League the way Beetle and The Flash do, he simply compliments them on their attractive bums. Like a gentleman!

Before Guy Gardner can chase after Blue Beetle to figure out why he stabbed Oberon and what he may have done to Max, Fire explodes into green flames. It's not shown on panel but I know what's going on! My memory might be terrible but you don't forget when a superhero goes from wearing practically nothing to wearing absolutely nothing.

Turns out, Beetle stabbed Max as well. But Max went running out into the public because nobody would ever do anything crazy in public, right? There are witnesses in public! Witnesses who will witness your shame. It's the main reason I don't go out in public and I'm not even violent. I'm just very ashamed.

I bet Blue Beetle's final thought before he died was, "Hunh. This must be irony."

I've discussed this before but I bet mind control being an actual (and fairly common) thing in the DC Universe was just a boon to defense attorneys. "Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury. Have you ever heard of . . . MIND CONTROL!" Acquitted!

The Huntress arrives because she's on the cover. She decides to try to save Max for some reason. I guess that's what makes her a hero. She'll risk her life to save people she doesn't even know whereas I'll risk my life to save maybe 30% of the people I know.

Max Lord passes out in an alley from loss of blood. Then The Huntress knocks out Blue Beetle before he can finish murdering Max. That means it's time for another hero to wander on the scene and jump to some inaccurate conclusions.

Oh good. It's Batman. He never jumps to inaccurate conclusions!

Do you like how I pretended to have forgotten about the cover? That's called acting!

Batman's outfit is way too high-waisted to be a man's outfit. I think he accidentally put on Batwoman's costume.

Batman begins wrestling with The Huntress because Catwoman isn't around. While they're engaged in frottage play, Blue Beetle regains consciousness and starts muttering about doing a murder for the Queen. So I guess he's been hypnotized by Queen Bee, current ruler of Bialya. I'm not sure how "hypnotizing a person over the phone" is a power a bee-themed villain would have. A bee has never convinced me to do anything except run around screaming.

This is Beetle's head and shoulder but, for a second, my penis thought it was The Huntress's butt.

Batman knocks out Blue Beetle (but softly so that he doesn't become a completely different person for thirteen issues) while Huntress pulls a Batman on Batman and disappears. Everybody winds up back at the Embassy (rather than the hospital where Batman might have to explain some things and Beetle might get in trouble with the law) to discover that Oberon is in the hospital and Fire has been calmed down. What happened to her, people who read this comic book back in 1989 were probably wondering like crazy. Although Guy Gardner paints a pretty sexy picture of what happened to her.

Oh yeah! Fire and Ice and a dump!

I wonder if I can commission Frank Cho to draw the image that's burned into my brain right now? Probably!

The letters this month were from Steven Robinson of Chicago, Illinois; Jim Kelly of Freeport, New York; Derek VanDeweighe of Ontonagon, Michigan; Robert Knuist of Mountain View, California; Eugene Hoyle of Middletown, New York; Jeffrey B. Sparkman of Tracy, California; Jody Hamby of Robbins, Tennessee; and Binky. Robert almost acknowledges Bob Lappan the Letterer when he lists everybody by name until he gets to Bob and just fizzles out with "the rest of the crew." Which, Robert, took longer to type than "Lappan" (as he was using only last names). What a jerk.

Justice League America #26 Rating: B-. Batman didn't recognize The Huntress so I suspect this was her first post-Crisis appearance (other than maybe her self-titled series). Is she going to become a member of the team?! Well, I mean, why else bring her into it? Oh yeah! To sell issues of her own series! Man, now I feel manipulated! I'm dropping the rating on this comic book! Or did I? You'll never know if I was too lazy to actually change the rating! I hope to see more of The Huntress, if only to get better shots of her butt and clear my head of the Beetle's head and shoulders "butt" that kind of turns me on every time I picture it.

Justice League International #19 (1988)

This is probably the original cover that caused me, whenever I saw similar covers, to simply think, "Now kiss!"

Even for the late 80s, Lobo and Guy Gardner both had fucked up haircuts.

First, let's take a look at the inside cover advert from our delicious corporate overlords, M & M's:

I'm sorry if this truth is a little too raw for the post-physical-bullying generation but if this guy showed up like this to Winchester Skate Park, he would have gotten his ass handed to him.

I know, I know! Nowadays, we're all just dying to get our hands on a free M & M's painter's cap and an M & M's custom designed shirt (not to mention the weird modern art covered skateboard). But this was the late 80s! If you didn't have the style of Lobo or Guy Gardner, your head was destined for the bottom of a toilet bowl. Which, ironically, would give you both Lobo and Guy Gardner's haircuts.

This issue is called "No More Mr. Nice-Guy" which is almost the title of an Alice Cooper song except Alice had the sense not to put a stupid dash between "nice" and "guy."

Guy Gardner suffered brain damage from an accident with Hal Jordan's power lantern. Then he suffered brain damage from Batman's fist. Last issue, he suffered more brain damage by being at direct center of a Boom Tube opening. Now he's fighting Lobo and he flies head first at full speed into a lamppost. That can only mean one thing!

Oh wait. Guy's fine this time. Batman must punch really hard.

I probably didn't know much about Lobo when I picked up this comic book in 1988, having never been even close to tempted into reading The Omega Men, which means this is probably when I fell in love with Lobo, even if he is nowhere close to looking his sexiest. Maybe this is also when I fell in love with Guy Gardner. Is this why I modeled my adult persona around being an abrasive asshole?

The fight between Guy Gardner and Lobo reminds me of the fight between Superman and Doomsday except it's far less serious and way more bad-ass. I really don't know why DC had to create a whole new character to kill Superman when Lobo was just sitting right there on his space hog looking hot and sexy. We all know Lobo could have done it if he'd really wanted to. Or, you know, if the writer had decided Lobo could kill Superman. But no! The writer had to be Dan Jurgens and Dan Jurgens was all, "Duh! I'm going to make a huge mistake and not have Lobo kill Superman! Duh! I'm a dummy!"

I hope Dan Jurgens doesn't search the Internet for his own name because I'd feel really bad if he read that and started to cry. I'm sorry, Dan. I don't really think you're a big dummy. It's just that I get really passionate about two things: Lobo and comic book writers who make huge mistakes by not having Lobo kill Superman. Those are my two biggest pet peeves.

The Justice League break up the fight and invite Lobo in for coffee and doughnuts. Lobo, not having signed anything that would make sure he gets paid for killing these guys, decides to stop killing these guys. That makes sense because who wants to do their job if they're not getting paid for it? Only sociopaths! Which means Lobo is a completely rational and reasonable dude. Which means every citizen of Czarnia must have been a complete and utter shite-head.

Through an unfortunate mishap called "conversation," Lobo learns that he was Boom Tubed right into Justice League headquarters. He decides to wait around for the jerks he fought in space to return before he kills them all and earns himself ten years worth of space dolphin chow. I wonder how long ten years is in Lobo's junkyard home? I suppose everybody in the DC Universe simply reverts to using Earth measurements because Earth is the only place where humans exist and they're special because they fall in love and have willpower and, I don't know, are based on the writers of the comic book universe, I guess? Humans rock!

Max decides Lobo should be granted temporary admittance to the League which just shows what a terrible leader Max Lord is. I guess he got confused because Guy and Lobo just met and instantly got in a big fight which must mean this was one of those comic book misunderstandings where two good guys wind up fighting. Therefore Lobo is a good guy who must be hired without any kind of background check. Batman arrives and instantly shits all over the idea. But then Batman shits on every idea, making the meaning of "shitting on ideas" completely worthless. Which is more proof that Lobo should be on the team, I think. Plus Batman doesn't already know about Lobo?! What kind of super detective is he?! Oh yeah, that's right. The kind who bases his whole career on a confused bat crashing through his window in the middle of the night.

The rest of the issue turns into a recruitment drive which seems like a huge double cross after that cover of Lobo about to kiss Guy Gardner. And it's a terrible recruitment drive! They hire the cosmic assassin Lobo. Black Canary quits. Captain Atom talks Max out of hiring Major Force. The Flash misses his invite. Superman turns down Batman. And Batman convinces Hawkman and Hawkwoman to join (yes, convincing Hawkman to join is worse than him refusing to). This team sounds like they're in huge trouble without even needing to find any enemies to battle.

Meanwhile in space, Barda realizes where The Cluster must be going with Scott: to Apokolips to trade him to Darkseid. So they're off to the most dangerous place in the DC Universe in 1988!

Justice League International #19 Rating: C-. Normally, if an issue features Lobo, it gets an A+. But Lobo just sits around in the dark getting flirted at by Fire. He barely does anything! He doesn't even kill Guy Gardner! And, of course, he's not really all that attractive here. He doesn't really become a super hot hunk of killer love until Simon Bisley gets his pencil on him.

Convergence: World's Finest #2

"To save the world, Scribbly Jibbet, you must man this "Victory" hole for 24 hours! God speed, brave hero!"

I wish more people reading my blog would ask me questions the way they ask other celebrities questions (shut up! My mother says I'll always be a celebrity to her!). Why isn't my Inbox full of questions like, "I think this thing very strongly (which is the completely right way to think which is why I thunked it up) and was wondering if I'm right to believe this thing because nobody knows right and wrong better than a celebrity!" Or "I want to do a thing very badly and need a celebrity to tell me it's okay to do this thing so here are all the reasons why you should probably agree with me and I loved that thing you did that time before you became washed up!" Or "You made a joke about a thing that was very funny and now I'm sending you this joke that is basically your joke again but I'm repeating it back to you which is so funny because I totally get the joke and I'm probably making it funnier unlike the other five thousand people who probably sent this same exact message to your Inbox because average people are so totally hilarious and not famous like you but they could be if only people noticed them." Or "I love you so much that I want to sex you in the baddest way possible all the time! And for free even!" Or "I would like to give you a lot of money so give me your bank account number and I will deposit loads of money into it and I promise this is not a scam at all."

Boy! I can't wait to be a big celebrity! I wish more people acted the way Raegan and Lexie and Sarah acted when I followed them on Twitter! Why can't more people be as enthusiastic as junior high school girls?! The world would be so much more fun! I wish I had more than three fans! Poo!

I'm going to contact my agent and tell him to get me published already! I'm tired of him lollygagging on penises instead of sending my fantastic Great American Novels to publishers! I'll never hire an agent from an ad in a comic book ever again!

Speaking of segues, here is a comic book I am reading: Convergence: World's Finest starring Scribbly Jibbet, Sir Justin (the nick of time! Har!), and Victory the Winged Horse! They all went on an adventure together. I think Scribbly was allowed to accompany the heroic knight because he's kind of like a bard except more lame seeing that he's an editorial cartoonist. Even the people who wipe down porn actors between takes have a more respectable job. That actually sounds like a good job! You get to grope women and get paid to do it! You also have to grope men half the time as well (or more than half depending on the film!) but it would totally be worth it. I wonder how you get into the business of jizz mopping?

The action begins with a Weaponer of Qward attacking The Shining Knight and Scribbly Jibbet. Mostly he's attacking The Shining Knight while Scribbly Jibbet pees his pants.

Journalists are such selfish narcissists! "I'm going to became famous by publishing a story about observing the same thing everybody else can observe! Only I can put things into a profound perspective that nobody else can! I will be a celebrity! People will send me messages! I will have sex for the first time!"

Sir Justin ditches Scribbly because Sir Justin is trying to save the world while Scribbly is just trying to write an article to win a Pulitzer. Among journalists, the Pulitzer is referred to as "The Panty Dropper." Maybe only among male journalists. And lesbian journalists. And not gay male journalists. How many more exceptions do I have to mention before I can be assured that nobody will accuse me of erasing somebody?!

Meanwhile, Vigilante drives into a Qwardian Dance Off.

And I'm fairly certain Crimson Avenger engages in a hate crime.

I wonder if Crimson Avenger finds it annoying that Vigilante never gets off his stupid motorcycle. Is he jealous that the other two soldiers still standing aren't actually standing? How come he doesn't get a vehicle? Or pants?

I guess Sir Justin doesn't have pants either. But he gets to wear a skirt so only pervs on the subway get to look at his underwear.

Telos transports The Shining Knight and the Weaponer of Qward to an old fashioned medieval arena. I guess Telos wants to give Sir Justin the advantage! He's playing favorites! I guess I would be too. If Qward wins, that means the most boring place in this whole competition will get to win! After 30th Century Metropolis, I mean!

He's not deserting you! He's just going to write down his brilliant idea for a new editorial cartoon! And by brilliant I mean the exact opposite of brilliant with a load of boring thrown in! Scribbly is the worst!

I don't know if Sir Justin is winning his fight because the action keeps following Vigilante, Crimson Avenger, and the Qwardian Dance Parties.

Vigilante and Crimson Avenger just dropped some ecstasy and are ready to groove.

Scribbly Jibbet has left Metropolis to hunt down Sir Justin. As he climbs a cliff to get to the battlefield, he thinks about the best times of his life: drawing cartoons; kissing one girl; creepily watching children in the park; talking with babies. Wow. I thought my life was boring! At least I got to excitedly use semi-colons incorrectly! Oh! And have sex with loads and loads of hot women who all practically begged for more!

Scribbly Jibbet arrives just in time to see Victory save Sir Justin's life! By raping the Weaponer of Qward!

Neigh means neigh!

The Weaponer stabs Victory and I can't say Victory didn't deserve it because that whole ass-rape thing was totally uncool. There's fighting fair and there's fighting dirty and then there's raping the person you're fighting. One of those things is totally wrong! The last one. Also, the second one might not be too cool either, depending on the situation. Like if you're a greaser and you're getting your ass kicked, it's probably okay to pull a switchblade and stab the guy. But if you're a boxer and you're losing, you probably can't just kick your opponent in the crotch.

Before Scribbly can sacrifice himself to save the day, the Qwardians Dance Party breaks up and the Qwardians begin looting the city. First they raid the Farmer's Market and eat up all the vegetables. Then they go have aperitifs down at Le French Place. But before they can really dig into a fancy meal, a cop shows up and begins punching them in the face. He doesn't even read them their rights! Metropolis cops are as dirty as Gotham cops! And all the other cops in fictional and non-fictional cities in the United States!

Here's a way to tell if your friend on Facebook is racist! Do they post a message about supporting police whenever police get caught on camera for acting like violent monsters? Hmm, I thought I was going to be saying something insightful there but it just came out as painfully obvious!

They're really flying high on that X! And yet Crimson Avenger still wants more!

Up on Battle Mountain, Scribbly saves Sir Justin's life without having to sacrifice his own. I guess he's going to live to draw bad cartoons after all! With the help, Sir Justin beats the Weaponer of Qward. But when Sir Justin shows mercy, Telos arrives to end the competition without a winner. Telos sends them back to their cities to await whatever oblivion shall befall them. Metropolis had better hope that the earthquake hits before they become nonexistent! I don't want a DC Universe without Scribbly Jibbet!

On second though, let him go!

Convergence: World's Finest #2 Rating: Five Crying Eagles out of Ten. I wish this issue had concentrated more on the Qwardian Dance Parties and Vigilante making out with Crimson Avenger in the Chill Room.

Divergence: We Are Robin!
"Spinning out of the pages of BATMAN...a new Robin? No, HUNDREDS of new Robins!"

Do we really need that many Robins? Aren't we good with the half dozen we already have? Although with this many Robins, DC Comics can enjoy their favorite pastime every month and never run out of Robins! Although they might run out of available plots down at Gotham Cemetery.

The story is about a bunch of DCYouths who chat on their phones and fight crime and rebel against authority and give it to the man and show adults how life as a teenager is so hard, you can't even!

I'll probably enjoy it!