Titans #11

Mike McKone
Deathstork Jerking Off Nightwing 2017
Pencils on paper
26.01 x 16.84 cm (10.24 x 6.63 in)

I stopped reading Titans because I'm bored of comic books about friends with enormous thighs on their too-long legs stuffed into helter-skelter panel boxes. But since my favorite amoral loner has decided he needs to crossover with the Titans so he can remind himself how much fun it was to beat their asses, I suppose I'll give it one more try. But only for this issue! Just know I'm risking falling into a terrible existential depression by looking at Brett Booth's art! Although it might be worth it just for this McKone cover that no art editor at DC looked at or knew how to answer the question, "Why is this picture making me feel all warm in the nether regions?"

Holy shit. Immediately, I hate myself for picking up this comic book. On the first fucking page, Brett Booth is still fucking making references to Pizza Fish. That was like the second or third reason I stopped reading this stupid fucking comic book. Just after "The art is terrible" and "This art is so fucking terrible."

Hurry! Somebody get Garth some water! And a bra!

I guess everything that happened to the Titans pre-New 52 that they've just recently remembered happens in Hatton Corners. Ravager dies of a heart attack while trying to kill the Teen Titans. Deathstork arrives to tell the son he treated like shit for the last decade and a half that the Teen Titans are dead. Ravager dies happy for some reason. I guess he wanted to kill the Teen Titans so that his father would be proud of him. Deathstork doesn't tell him he loves him but he does kind of hug him. Unless he's actually squeezing him so hard that he dies from a lack of oxygen which then gives Deathstork a reason to kill the Titans (and also gets his pain in the ass son out of his life).

Welcome to Illogical and Nonsensical Plot Motivation Comics!

Here we see another prime example of why I stopped reading a comic book about these Teen Titans. The only time they ever battle a super villain is when the super villain brings the battle to them. They've never once saved the world except when saving themselves just happened to also save the world. But in those situations, the world was in trouble because the Teen Titans existed. I'm only currently reading the other Teen Titans book because Damian Wayne is leading them.

The initial scene was Slade dreaming before waking up from a corneal transplant. So now he's not blind in his good eye anymore although I bet his body is still being ravaged by cancer caused by his radiation poisoning. At least he didn't become young and obsessed with this testicles again.

Now that he's awake and he can see, Slade decides it's time to go kill the Titans due to their not having done anything. Good. They totally deserve it.

Meanwhile in New York, Omen shows off her inability to understand secret identities.

Ixnay on the ickday and allyway! You're surrounded by bad guys and pizza fish adverts, dum-dum!

Wally West disappears in the space between panels because Deathstork is just that good and Dan Abnett is just that lazy. Deathstork wants to make a deal with Wally West but he doesn't explain himself yet. First he has to pretend that he cared about Grant so that Wally West feels sympathy for him.

Meanwhile back at Titans Tower East, Tempest tries to participate in the team brainstorming session but everybody just shits all over him. Get used to it, Mini-Aquaman! You'll never be respected by your peers!

Maybe if you would stop using his real name and social security number around villains, Dick wouldn't hate your guts and might want to share the truth with you.

Slade wants to go back in time to, presumably, save his son Grant. I think he just wants to go back in time to shit all over him one last time. But Wally West refuses to time travel for Slade. He's all, "Time travel is bad and we don't do it anymore! Why do you think the Cosmic Treadmill is still safe in storage on the Justice League Watchtower and totally not being used irresponsibly by anybody right now at all?" But Slade is all, "If you won't help save my son whom I don't care about at all but feel pretty guilty about the way I treated him and how he died and maybe I loved him in my own way and tried to make him a man but he needed my love more than he needed to be a responsible adult and so he got himself killed and I sort of regret it then maybe Kid Flash will help me!" As if Kid Flash can time travel!

Ugh. I can't wait until this story is over and Deathstork can get back to staying within the pages of his own comic book where there's a distinct lack of nonsense and Brett Booth art.

Titans Rebirth #1

The Review!
If you enjoy the Teen Titans remembering mediocre memories and celebrating Wally's return, you'll probably enjoy this comic book. That's all there is to it. I suppose if you're a big Wally fan, this was an emotional issue. Although it could have been more emotional if the Titans actually had any interesting memories. But no! Instead we get flashbacks to Wally waving at Garth and going, "Hi Garth!" And Garth going, "Hi! I'm from Atlantis!" Boring! You also might like this issue if you're into Brett Booth art. Brett Booth is slang for "bad art with misshapen people". It also sets up the looming battle between DC's heroes and the employees of DC Comics. This Rebirth shit is going to get so postmodern you'll think you were reading Pale Fire. Unless it'll be more like watching an episode of Beavis and Butthead. I hope it'll be nice mix of those two elements.

The Commentary!
According to Justice League #51, something has been observing Dick Grayson for five years. I mean something other than us, the DC readership. Although maybe I don't? In Rebirth #1, Johns went a long way to describe how the DC Universe was ruined by outside forces which sounded a lot like editorial control and managerial dictates. Could this new threat to Dick Grayson from outside the Earth Prime Universe be the fandom? Is DC's Rebirth going to be nothing more than one long metatextual commentary on the interrelationship between creative teams, fans, and the finished product? Ugh, I hope not! I read comic books so I can understand what I'm reading! If I wanted to read pretentious twaddle, I'd be reading The Familiar!

Actually, I plan on picking up The Familiar. I don't plan on understanding The Familiar. But I do plan on throwing my money away on it and going through the motions of reading every word within it and then dropping references to it in my own writing so that it seems like I understood it.

I also plan on crying my eyes out while reading it because I always called my cat, Judas, my buddy of fifteen years, my familiar. I think I'm ready to attempt it now though. I think.

Aw shit. My Titans experience is already ruined by Brett Booth's depiction of swollen and probably infected thighs.

Apparently every model in Brett Booth's human anatomy classes while in art school had serious blood clot issues. I imagine they all dropped dead immediately after class.

The issue begins with Wally on a mission to get his old friends to remember him. It happens rather quickly because Rebirth #1 already did the thing where the story goes on and on with nobody remembering him so it finally seems believable and has some kind of emotional impact (at least for wusses it does) when Barry remembers him. I'm glad I don't have to go through all that again just to get the Titans to remember him. I already read eight issues of a comic book that was the other Titans trying to remember the other Titans.

Is there a filter I can use to make Brett Booth's art look like better art? Oh! I know! Alcohol!

I spoke too soon. Only Nightwing remembers him because they touched or something. The others don't yet remember him so they're plan is to kick his ass. Does nobody else think that just about every hero in the DC Universe needs to go to anger management classes? Is this level of aggression acceptable because people compare it to Guy Gardner's or Lobo's level of aggression and think, "Oh yeah. These guys are calm and rational!"

Luckily for somebody (me?), everybody remembers Wally as soon as they lay a hand on him. Roy is all, "Oh hey! I didn't recognize you underneath all of those thigh muscles!" And Donna is all, "Is that you Wally? You're lankier with a weird torso to leg proportion!" And Garth is all, "I'm dying because I haven't touched water in almost 59 minutes!" Arella is all, "I'm too boring to think up something stupid to say about Brett Booth's shitty artwork!" Each one also flashes back to their favorite memory of Wally! Most of them are either really boring or a time when they were battling one of their fathers.

You grew up on an asteroid with a fuzzy guy named Xanthi and a bunch of other alien kids training to be gods! I think. Maybe this Donna Troy grew up in one of her other fifteen origin stories.

Wally's speech about how for the last five years he only existed in really terrible stories, most of them involving fucking other male Titans, is interrupted by an advertisement for some new action figures designed by Greg Capullo.

DC Comics! Where the only motherfucker allowed to smile is The Joker! Wonder Woman looks like she's giving a bored hand-job.

Wally points out that somebody fucked with the DC Universe in a way that erased a lot of history. You know, the editors and management. And he claims that they might try again (well, of course they will!). But with the help of the Titans, he believes they can keep the editors from doing it again. Ha! Good luck with that! Although I suppose the editors are going to allow themselves to be defeated since they're actually the Watchmen in the comic book. But first the Watchmen will probably have a scene where they speak directly to the reader telling them how what they did was good and it energized the DC Universe and all of the fans were petulant cry babies demanding the world go back to normal. Then the Watchmen will be defeated and DC's editors will be all, "Okay! The DC Universe is back to normal! I hope you're all happy!" Then the fans will be all, "Yay! We are all happy!" Then sales will not show that this move was any better than any other huge universal shake-up in the long run and the editors and management will have to blow it all up again in some other crazy way.

Convergence: The Titans #2

Dreamslayer does not normally look like a vagina on fire. He usually looks like a vagina leaking Sunny Delight.

I'm a little bit excited to find out how these Convergence two issue mini-series will end! I suppose they'll all end with either the good guys subduing the bad guys but not killing them, or they'll end with the good guys coming to an agreement to work together, both of which are against the rules of Telos's game. Since the Titans are battling The Extremists, this one will end with The Extremists thrown in meta-human jail.

Last issue ended with Roy Harper shooting his friends in the face. This issue begins with the super surprise revelation that he actually didn't aim at their faces at all. But he still did pull the trigger for some reason. It probably bought him enough time to come up with a plan where he can take out Dreamslayer himself since I don't think Donna and Kory can fight very well with their suits full of shit and piss. You know, because he almost shot them in the face! It's not like he worked the plan out with them beforehand. And Kory is surprised to still have a face.

"Tell me you have a plan that doesn't involve me smelling like roses!"

We all know what happens every time a good guy fires a gun or throws a batarang or shoots an arrow at the bad guy and doesn't hit him with the projectile, right? How many times have we read that scene? Well, Fabian Nicieza believes we need to experience that moment at least two more times. And both of them in the same scene! Those cranes that fell in the background and didn't crash into the Extremists? Dreamslayer sees them and says, "Ha ha ha! Missed me! Missed me! Now you have to tongue kiss my Sunny Delight vagina face!" And Roy is all, "I wasn't trying to hit you, twice delicious looking villain!" He then shoots an arrow into the cranes and Dreamslayer is all, "You missed again! I can't believe it! You're the worst!" And Roy Harper is all, "You must be from a dimension that has original writers if you've never seen this move before now!" He then swings by on the rope attached to the arrow stuck in the crane and grabs close enough to the real Lian Harper.

The distraction takes enough time for the other Titans that have not yet been in this comic book to appear.

I bet the cavalry is Aqualad! And he's borrowed Cyborg's fist with the sonic attachment!

It's actually just Cyborg with his own fist and his best friend and booty call, Beast Boy. Apparently Vic was in a coma for the entire year so his story would have been too boring to mention last issue. And Beast Boy was trapped as a green pigeon all year which must have sucked ass. Except for all the pigeon sex and free bread from old people.

Now that the odds are evened up quite a bit, Roy figures nobody will miss a guy that just shoots arrows. He grabs Lian, makes sure it's actually her by activating the parental denial switch, and takes her to safety in the Speedy Cave. Roy thinks he's safe from a guy who just brought Lian back from the past just before she died so he could use her simply to taunt Roy. Or Dreamslayer just made up a fake version of her (which he didn't because we all know that this has to be the real Lian Harper because the fans demanded it. At least until Peter David gets a crack at writing Roy and Lian and decides to make her into a cotton candy figment of everybody's imagination). And if Dreamslayer can do one of those things, it's simple enough for him to enter the Speedy Cave and kidnap Lian again. Now Roy has to get involved in the fight again because his excuse to sit this one out is gone.

Meanwhile at the main event...

Gar's not wrong.

Think of it this way, Gar. Justice League International defeated The Extremists. And they could hardly defeat anybody! Sure, they had some extra help from the Silver Sorceress and some guy named Blue Jay or something. But still! Justice League International beat these jerks! Now pull your monkey head out of your monkey ass, stop thinking about how much monkeys love buttsecks, and transform into something that can squash these jerks!

Ahem. Justice League International!

The Titans are getting their asses beat by the Extremists which is unsurprising and realistic. But Dreamslayer is still harping on Harper to side with the Extremists. If he does, Roy will be reunited with Lian. Dreamslayer must know that if Roy Harper fights against the Extremists, they will lose, which is surprising and unrealistic. But I guess this series is Roy's moment to shine while also taking Lian Harper out of the mini-fridge.

Roy activates his city wide turret system and shoots Kory in the belly with one of his guns. The readers all gasp in horror at Roy's betrayal! How could he turn on his team, even for his little girl's life? I can't believe he shot the one member of the team that can shrug off a blast lke that! How horrible!

Lian reappears near Dreamslayer's side but he threatens to send her back to limbo if Roy doesn't shoot all of the other Titans in the stomach as well. No chance Roy is going to use the guns against the Extremists now! So long, Cyborg! Nice knowing you, Donna! Good riddance, Beast Boy!

Wha-wha-wha-what?!

I guess Dreamslayer and I both fell for Roy Harper's gambit! I thought for sure the Titans were goners this time!

Roy sets off an EMP which causes Dreamslayer to teleport out of the Speedy Cave for scientific and totally believable reasons. Dreamslayer meets with the other Extremists who are tired of being shot by turrets and they all head off to battle the Titans somewhere free of big guns. Now the Titans just have to decide to follow them. Or can't they just declare victory now?

Donna convinces Roy to sit the rest of the fight out and hang with Lian because it's quite possible she might disappear as soon as Dreamslayer is defeated. And Roy should get to spend a little more time safe with his daughter. Then the other Titans fly off to finish the story in Convergence #6.

So that's how these mini-series are going to end?! By leaving the endings in the Convergenc series? I don't think there's enough room in the last three issues of Convergence to end forty other stories, so it's probably a fluke that this one ended that way. Although this issue isn't completely over yet!

Oh wait. Yes it is. It just has a huge sneak peek for Scott Lobdell's soon to be reviled new series, Red Hood Loves Arsenal!

Convergence: The Titans #2 Rating: Well it doesn't get a good rating because it didn't fucking end the story! I guess it kind of did since this was about Roy, and it was mostly about getting Lian Harper back. Whether or not the Titans defeat the Extremists is just incidental to the whole Convergence thing. Especially since Telos's plan is bound to be blown apart when all the heroes decide to stop fighting each other and engage in a sit-in.

I don't know if this Divergence Sneak Peek is taken from the first issue of the new series or if it's a short "Divergence" story, so I guess I'd better read the fucking thing. Just in case.

Divergence: Red Hood Loves Arsenal

It begins with this because Scott Lobdell thinks he's cute and clever. Hint and spoiler warning: he's not. Not at all!

Let me read this in thirteen year old boy and see if it's any better. Let me clear my head, give myself a boner, and start over.

Ha! "Together for the first time: Agains!" Again is always fucking funny! You can add "again" to the end of anything and it's so fucking hysterical! I fucked your mom. Again! I smoked so much fucking pot! Again! I drank until I fucking puked! Again! Ha ha! Awesome.

Wait wait wait! That was my modern day thirteen year old boy voice! If I were doing a thirteen year old boy from when I was thirteen in 1984, it would be quite different. I would have more references to Robotech or GI Joe, and I'd probably mention a few mythological beasts and super radical Dungeons and Dragons modules. I don't know what kind of thirteen year old boy Lobdell is writing to! Although his advice is to write what you know and he was thirteen in 1976, so the kids he's writing to were probably super excited about the Bicentennial.

Okay! Back to being a thirteen year old boy. It will probably be a mash-up of the three I previously described. Or it'll just be in my usual anti-Lobdell voice.

Kobra has been building cities beneath all the cities all over the globe because that's totally cool and radical and groovy and fucking fuck I can't even! Kobra has loads and loads of armies and they're going to take over the world. But guess why they're not going to take over the world?! Guess! Jason fucking Todd and Gosh Darned Speedy have infiltrated! If anybody can take down an army spread all across the globe, it's these two guys!

Jason Todd's plan is to shoot all the people in the face and save the day! Roy Harper's plan is probably to sit on the back of Kobra's huge killer robot and ride it around for fun.

Instead of riding the robot, Speedy just overheats the complex. That should kill all the servers and shit and completely crash the place and probably make all of the soldiers feel uncomfortable in their body armor so they'll have to take it all off and then they can't go to war and that will stop the plan dead in its tracks. Wah-lah!

Speedy says it melts the robot but that's just stupid because he's a genius being written by a stupid writer. You'll get that kind of reaction from Speedy quite a bit. And finally, Kobra and the members of Kobra's army with internal air conditioning attack!

Ha ha! They're so tremendously good at what they do that they don't fear death even in the face of insurmountable odds! Oh, those chuckle-heads!

Boo! Hiss! This will suck many, many bad things that people hate sucking!

Convergence: The Titans #1

If fans picked this book up hoping Roy Harper would finally be written as a likeable character, then they probably missed the small "Nicieza" down in the lower left.

It's been some time since I truly trashed a comic book. Sure, I have continued to point out how ridiculous Klarion has been or how mind-numbingly boring Sinestro is. But in recent months, I haven't lost my fucking mind over things like mistaking Antarctica for the Arctic. And I didn't just lose my mind once because of that! One writer didn't just one time mistake one of those for the others! It happened on a constant basis during the whole Culling "epic" which is an error so amateurish that I thought I must have been reading fan fiction.

Oh stop it, you fan fiction writers! Stop being so fucking sensitive! I'm not insulting your fucking writing! I'm just pointing out that it's of an amateur variety. If you mistook Antarctica for the Arctic, I would read it and think, "That would probably be corrected on a later draft if this story is even going to get a later draft which it probably isn't because it's not being written with a paycheck in sight but as just a part of the enjoyment of the fandom." Remember a professional piece of fiction has editors and proofreaders and people being paid a lot of money to make sure the fiction they're publishing isn't a complete embarrassment to their company. If you want to write a piece of incestuous fiction about Dream receiving a blow job from Destiny as Destruction licks Destiny's asshole, the only person you're embarrassing is yourself. And me if somebody catches me masturbating while reading it. But probably just you because I have a lock on my door. So when I compare The Culling to fan fiction, I'm just saying that...well shit. I just realized what I did. I owe writers of fan fiction an apology. The Culling was fucking awful.

Anyway, I could chalk up the whole Antarctica/Arctic thing to a couple of idiot writers like Nabian Ficieza or Lott Scobdell or Dom TeFalco (I'm using code so when their mothers Google their son's name to feel pride in their accomplishments, they won't find this bit where I metaphorically shit all over them). But then in Snott Scyder's Superman Unchained, the mistake crops up yet again! Now I've got to believe that all of the editors at DC Comics decided Geography was a bullshit subject so it was the perfect class to ditch so they could smoke dope underneath the bleachers and read Marvel comic books.

I remember Spider-man was my favorite superhero at around six or seven years old (I mentioned Marvel Comic books and now I'm talking about those! Keep up!). But then I tried reading a Spider-man comic book and I had to put it down because even at that age, I was all, "Jesus fucking Christ, Parker! Stop being such a pussy!"

But this is about The Titans! That's a comic book I really liked when I seriously got into comic books at about thirteen or fourteen. Although when I read it, I often thought, "Jesus fucking Christ, Dick Grayson. Stop being such a pussy!"

"You have to grow up or choose not to." Never before has one man so quickly thrown his hat into the ring of philosophy and immediately threw his back out, collapsed in pain, and gave up immediately.

I probably shouldn't make fun of Fabian Nicieza for that bit since it actually kind of makes sense. I have chosen not to grow up. But not in that stupid ass fucking "look at how silly and young I am" kind of way that attention seeking assholes favor. I mean in the way that I simply refuse to participate in the obligations that society tries to inflict upon adults. Yes, I pay rent and bills and have a job. But when I drop off my rent, I leave a flaming bag of dog shit on the property manager's porch. And I piss on all of my checks before sending them to the bill collectors. And I treat my job like an afterthought which is probably a huge mistake because when my business finally crumbles due to my lack of care and maintenance, I'm going to be forced to grow up! Although I have grown up in all the important ways like having had sex at least one time (or close enough to count, probably) and knowing how to turn on an oven.

To get a picture of what a lousy adult I am, here's a recent Google Hangouts conversation I had with my super grown up (or at least faking it really well) friend Doom Bunny:

Doom Bunny: "You hate people more than anyone else I know. How do you go through the day without punching somebody in the face?"
Me: "I don't interact with anybody!"
Doom Bunny: "That seems like cheating" [He didn't use punctuation like a lazy asshole!]
Me: "Refusing to play a game you never wanted to play in the first place is not cheating."
Me: "I'm going to have kimbap for lunch! That means I have to talk to somebody! I hope I don't punch them in the face."
Me: "You know what else keeps me from punching people in the face? I'm a pacifist!"
Me: "Also they're not real so why be bothered by them?"
Doom Bunny: "What's kimbap?"

I'm going to apologize to Fabian Nicieza right now before blasting him for being a shitty writer later because this was actually a good opening. I just realized the Narration Boxing was Roy Harper's. So it's just as inane and irritating as I'm used to after reading three years of Scott Lobdell's Roy Harper. So good job on capturing the shittiness of New 52 Roy Harper, Fabes!

Except this isn't New 52 Roy Harper! This is Preboot Roy! I'm taking back my fucking apology! You're the worst, Fabes!

Hal: "He's abusing heroin, Ollie." Ollie: "What?! Roy! You told me you were diabetic!"

Roy Harper goes over his past as quickly as possible because this series is only going to be two issues which isn't enough to cover his entire history beginning with his heroin use. That happened before I was even born! So he goes over the heroin part and then the recovering addict part by saying, "Heroin addict. Recovering addict." Wow! Kicking heroin is easy! I'm going to try some later.

He left out the most important part: Soulpatch.

The "and then..." bit leads into the part of his story where Lian is crushed by falling rubble. Roy then Narration Boxes: "Is there a word to describe someone who loses a child?" Careless?

At least going over his history this quickly gets him right into the part where the dome covers Gotham. Although in his story, Starfire crashes into the clock face of Barbara's apartment because her flight gets turned off. I guess Kory wasn't actually flying in Nightwing Loves Oracle #1. She must have been leaping off of the roof of a building and catching on to Nightwing's rope. And because of their sexual history, it didn't cause Nightwing to crash out of the sky. They totally know each other's moves.

With all the super powers turned off, crime dropped in Gotham. Although since when was having super powers ever part of Gotham's criminal arsenal? Anyway, things calmed down. That let Roy feel less useless because now super heroes weren't needed and he didn't have to constantly eat his spleen about having given up super heroics. So he got a grant from the Wayne Foundation because, even though everybody is now sharing everything under the dome, Roy still needed money to open up Lian's Place for displaced families.

I've been avoiding discussing what happened to the economy of these domed cities and I will continue to avoid it even when one of these stories spits it into my face with a moment like this. How many businesses were ruined by loss of contact with the outside world? How are the banks supposed to have access to enough physical funds for everybody now? What would anybody need money for? According to Harley Quinn #1, drugs are running out and people are still working jobs that probably don't fucking matter anymore (for a full year?! What the hell?). According to Nightwing Loves Oracle #1, lots of types of food is running out. According to Superman #1, Lois Lane is still writing articles and Superman is still stopping crime. According to Batman and Robin #1, The Penguin is still trying to make money by controlling the means of production within the city (although isn't everything the city needs provided for by Planet Brainiac?!). According to me, I don't want to think about any of this shit!

Aha! The economy is now based around pornography! I bet Troy Photo Studios now rivals Wayne Enterprises!

I don't know why Donna and Kory can't hear Planet Brainiac's speech. I guess Roy needs them to look outside so they can read his words floating in the air.

Kory and Donna have their powers back. It's a good thing this comic book didn't begin with Donna Troy narrating it because there's no way she'd explain her history in just two pages. The three of them have the most natural conversation Roy, Starfire, or Donna Troy have had since the Reboot. So that's one check in Fabian Nicieza's win column even though the Donna Troy part of that last sentence is a gimme.

Is that a pedophilia joke?

Arsenal heads into his Arsenal Cave which he built using the Wayne Foundation Grant because fucking displaced families can take care of themselves, fucking layabouts. I'm not going to ask any questions about how he accomplished it. Arsenal can build anything and Planet Brainiac provides are the only two comic book things I probably need to know! Roy's computer system rivals the Batcomputer for keeping him abreast of everything going on in the city. Now he sits before it to wait for something awful to happen. Planet Brainiac did mention fighting to survive, after all.

What voice?! You heard it before they did! You might have missed the second half which they apparently heard but asking Donna "What voice?" after hearing the initial proclamation when the dome fell? Stop being an idiot, Roy Harper! Don't forget: you are Preboot Roy Harper! Now act like it!

I hope Troia (does Donna still call herself that? She's got the Troia costume!) and Starfire have to battle Yankee Poodle Dandy and Pig Iron!

Nope. They get to fight more of The Extremists! And they get the more interesting members of The Extremists! Probably because these are the more powerful members with crazier powers that Batman and Robin might have a bit more trouble dealing with.

The Sabretooth ripoff just has to bring gender into it! He should actually point out how the Doc Ock look-a-like is a loser because he's a fucking Doc Ock look-a-like. Who is also fat. Come on! It's pertinent! He makes a bigger starbolt target!

After Lord Havoc incapacitates Kory and Donna with his Doctor Doom Blasts of Doom and Sloppy Vagina Face discusses chess like the pretentious twat he's trying to look like, Gorgon scoops up Kory and Donna in his Octopus arms and makes some more sexist comments. They're really, horribly sexist unlike my sexist comments which are simply sexist-lite, so you should concentrate on how horribly sexist he is and not on anybody else that might seem to be sexist but totally isn't at all. Scout's honor!

Boy scout's honor! Not girl scout's honor! Let's not get crazy! If I want honor, I'll go to the Boy Scouts where they learn how society works like how women in short skirts were asking for it and how to make wooden cars that go fast due to gravity and how gay people are not qualified to keep children safe in the woods. If I want cookies, I'll go to the girl scouts. Actually, I'll just walk past the girl scouts desperately trying to sell me cookies to support their organization so I can enter the store to buy Oreos.

What a pig! Also he's sexist!

Arsenal saves the day because he's a man, natch. But that's when Dreamslayer kicks over the chessboard and tells everybody that they're playing checkers now. Then he realizes that he probably should have just swept the pieces off the board since now he has to pick up the board so he can set up the checkers.

What I'm trying to say is that he brings Lian back to life and offers Roy a choice. If he kills Donna and Kory, Dreamslayer will let him have Lian back. Although that supposes that he can actually kill Kory or Donna with his dumb arrow. Plus he might want to take into account that this guy's name is "Dreamslayer." That doesn't sound like the kind of guy that makes your dreams come true! Plus his face looks like a vagina leaking Sunny Delight.

I've never actually seen a vagina but I have consumed loads of Sunny Delight in my youth, so I think I know what I'm talking about. I used to drink Sunny Delight before all the cool people I know told me that it was gross and then I was all, "Yeah, yeah. Totally. I never drink that shit."

The issue ends with Roy's cybernetic, double-barreled wrist gun's barrels turning, one barrel each, towards Kory and Donna. Then the barrels say, "Kra-KOOM!" and light explodes out of them. But then the page says, "To be continued!" So I don't know if Roy actually shot Kory and Donna's faces off. I'm going to guess not. Plus Lian is probably real and they'll save her anyway because one of the fans' demands was to bring Lian Harper back. And DC Comics was all, "Anything you want, fans! Except all that other stuff you want! Plus all this stuff you hate! But you really want this, right? Well, now you have to shut up and love us!"

Convergence: Teen Titans #1 Rating: You suck, Fabian Nicieza. You especially suck because I wanted to get super duper angry at this comic book and relive my hyperbolic anger days! But instead you went and wrote a story that improved Roy and Starfire and Donna. At least by their New 52 standards! You actually caught, as much as you could in one short issue, the feeling of friendship I remember between these characters back when I was reading The Titans in the nineties. Or late eighties. Whenever! So congratulations, you stupid asshole, on ruining my day by actually writing a decent comic book. Dick.