Thursday, September 24, 2015

Wonder Woman #44

According to this cover blurb, Wonder Woman is evil.

The first thing I noticed about this cover is that David Finch is back. I can't say I'm entirely disappointed because when he was missing from last issue, the quality of the comic actually improved. And I'd rather do commentary on comic books in which I can find many, many faults. I like to feel superior by pointing out problems. I do not like to feel inferior by quality stories which cause me to think that I might be the worst writer on the planet. Not that every editor I've ever worked with hasn't already tried to make me feel that way. Not to mention all of the publishers who refuse to publish five page novels no matter how many they receive from you. And I shouldn't forget all of my friends and family who try not to look me in the eye when they see me with my Pee Chee folder and then all suddenly have to be somewhere else or are suddenly too blind to read or too deaf to listen. If only all of those things were different, everybody would realize how great a Writer I am!

When we last saw Wonder Woman, she had been shot in the shoulder by a magic arrow just after putting wax lips in her mouth.

Wonder Woman rocks the "Fuck Me Now" look while dying (and wearing wax lips).

Wonder Woman's cliffhanger is over by the second page where it turns out the arrow in the shoulder wasn't as big a deal as it seemed. She's also suddenly in the alley with an old woman as opposed to a young woman so I think we know the identity of the street urchin from last issue, don't we? She's the real Fate! Duh. The women in the Growler/Knitting Shop were all pretty much the same age anyway. No way they could have been the Fates. Plus they all had boob jobs which is probably not something they'd bother with. Because that's like changing your destiny and why would they encourage people to steal their job?

Wonder Woman pulls the arrow out of her shoulder and throws it into the ground where it disappears into a vortex or a portal or maybe just a glowing puddle. Now whoever is on the other side of that puddle has Wonder Woman's blood! That means they can, um, clone her? What can you do with somebody's blood besides drink it or smear it across you testicles in preparation for a fertility dance?

After the Wonder Woman pages, there's a page that takes place six months earlier about Aegeus's life falling apart. It's hastily drawn with little care because David Finch couldn't be bothered with a page that didn't spotlight Wonder Woman's bosom.

Aegeus just wants the day to be over so he heads home to play an illegal copy of Arkham Knight on his PS4. It must be illegal because it wasn't even out six months ago. But he can't play the unreleased game because he finds he's locked out of his apartment. And he loses his job which wasn't a great job anyway since it was selling stolen credit card numbers to other thieves. But his life going to crap is just the impetus he needs to finally believe his mother's dying words that he's got the blood of the gods flowing in his main vein.

I guess the reader can now sympathize with Aegeus because we see that he's not really a bad credit card thief at all. He's just being manipulated by fate (and by "fate," I actually mean "Strife") into a position which will eventually pit him against Wonder Woman. I hope Diana realizes it and hugs him really hard to save the day.

Remember how many times I've mentioned that David Finch is probably constantly bugging his wife to write Wonder Woman shower scenes? Remember how not having David Finch around led to Meredith's best issue of her run? Remember how David Finch is back drawing this issue? Remember all of that?

Shower time!

After her shower (which, surprisingly, wasn't a two page splash), Hera appears in the mirror to talk to Diana. She says, "Remember when you were once told that only blood could kill blood? You know, about how the gods could die? Remember that? Forget it! The only reason you were able to kill Ares is because the Fates got old and got breast implants and had to get a second job filling growlers in London. It made the gods less immortal (which is, technically, mortal)! And now that the Fates are dead, all of the gods of Olympus are just humans with delusions of grandeur! Unless they're on Olympus where they get to still be immortal for very complex and mythological reasons." Wonder Woman responds by taking off her bathrobe and rubbing herself. No wait! That's how she was fated to be drawn by David Finch but since the Fates have died, she just acts like a normal person and not Fan Service Eye Candy. Well, at least not totally like eye candy.

The arrow from earlier didn't just disappear in a puddle. Hera brought it to Olympus so Hephaestus could examine it. Unless she brought it to Olympus so she could use it to kill Wonder Woman but Hephaestus just happened to walk in the room as she plucked it out of thin air and he said, "What's that?!" And then Hera made up the thing about giving it to Hephaestus on purpose.

What kind of idiot savant can forge an arrow this complex but doesn't know the meaning of simple words?! Why would he have to define "God Killer" for that person? Besides, the killer forged a weapon capable of killing gods so I think the person knows the meaning of the term.

I would have named my God Killer sword "Postmodernism."

Meanwhile Donna Troy is walking around London in her Amazonian Clay Girl Threads and everybody is calling her names because everybody that isn't a main character in a comic book is either a xenophobe or a boring normal person that has no appreciation for all of the unique snowflakes who aren't actually as unique as they'd like to think.

That's not a selfie, asshole. That's called a picture.

Donna Troy happens upon the girl Wonder Woman met last issue. She's being beaten by a man so Donna Troy rushes in to save her. She easily defeats the guy because he's just a punk who wasn't magically born out of clay to be a great fighter.

Judging by his face, he may be suffering from some genetic defects.

After saving the girl, Donna Troy walks out in front of a bus because she was magically born out of clay to not have any peripheral vision. But the unnamed girl rescues her and they become fast friends. Probably. Maybe she'll become Donna Troy's sidekick. Maybe she's Terry Long's daughter, Jennifer! I bet that's why she's been so mysterious. As soon as she gives her name, everybody will know that Donna is about to meet her future creepy husband!

Okay. Stop it. Fuck you. We get enough of this bullshit from Starfire. I am not going to believe that Donna Troy has no problem with speaking English and suddenly doesn't fucking know what a park is.

The unnamed girl takes Donna back to her underground lair where she just happens to have an outfit with great boots in Donna's size. As least the new look doesn't have a giant "V" to indicate where her vagina goes.

Meanwhile on Olympus, Strife and Diana have an inane conversation that goes nowhere. Also Diana speaks about Pegasus as if it's a species and not a unique creature whom she killed a year or two ago in Batwoman. I get that Dungeons and Dragons have turned Pegasus into just another wandering monster to be encountered but this isn't a Dungeons and Dragons comic book. This is a serious comic book about an Amazon living in London who is also the God of War. I expect it to be fact checked and well researched, dammit.

It's like Aegeus crashed through the ceiling directly from a 90s comic book!

Wonder Woman #44 Rating: No change. This comic book has stopped being completely horrible. That's about the only positive thing I can say about it. Meredith is trying to redeem Donna Troy which is good because she never should have been created simply to need redeeming in the first place. I'm still having trouble figuring out why people love David Finch's art so much. I won't deny he's spectacular when he cares about the thing he's drawing (which means a young woman who is probably naked). But his men are the worst. They look like the fish faced residents of Innsmouth. Also, who's the new girl? Is she just Donna Troy's Zola? Are we simply going to get a revision of Azzarello's Wonder Woman but with Donna Troy and the unnamed urchin (who is--cross my fingers--Jennifer Long!)? I currently don't think this comic book is awful but I don't really have any reason to recommend it. Read at your own risk, I guess.

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