Constantine the Hellblazer #4

The Surgeon General reports that smoking will cause good times and death and getting laid and good memories.

Did anybody watch the new Muppets show on ABC and not receive a phone call afterward that told them they have seven days left to live? Was it supposed to be a comedy? I did notice some complaints around the internet that it wasn't kid friendly enough and it had too many references to drugs and sex. The people who were making those complaints must not remember the original show. You do remember that it starred a frog that was fucking a pig, right? Sure, it wasn't blatantly stated but what did anybody think was going on? And who didn't already know Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem were all fucked up on drugs? Who was naive enough to believe they weren't just because it was never explicitly stated? Look, Gonzo was, and always has been, a chicken fucker and people just let that shit go! Apparently subtlety really does fool stupid people (and by "subtlety," I suppose I mean "not explicitly stating something outright but making it as obvious as possible anyway"). The original Muppet Show was written and played for adults. It was never meant to be a kids show. I mean, Alice Cooper guest starred on one show and tried to purchase their souls. Was that meant for kids? Sure, it didn't play anything in a way that kept parents from letting kids watch. But neither did the new one. Back when the original Muppets aired, parents seemed to understand that adult jokes were not going to be picked up by the kids. Parents nowadays seem to think that if they can understand a joke in an adult way, their child has just been corrupted. People, your kid didn't even notice.

The new Muppets really was a trainwreck though. It definitely wasn't funny enough (or at all?) to end with that serious breakup scene between Kermit and Miss Piggy. Was that supposed to be emotional? Because everybody has been screaming at that frog to drop that horrible pig for decades now! People should have been cheering at that scene! Kermit should have taken control of his life and eaten a bacon wrapped hot dog with extra bacon and a side of bacon right in front of her! He should have had her arrested! I wouldn't have minded if he'd sold her to the local butcher and beat it out of town.

The show takes a giant misstep filming it Office-style and being more about the behind-the-scenes of running the show rather than just airing it like a variety show with behind-the-scenes happenings during the show (like the old one!). Sure, maybe that would have sucked as well because, again, the writing was terrible. But I'd rather see weird acts by Muppets than Tom Bergeron acting like a sad sack. If the show gets any better, somebody will have to let me know because I won't be watching it again. Probably because I'm going to be visited by a girl climbing out of a well climbing out of my television in a few days.

And now on to our regularly scheduled broadcast which has to be better than discussion of the Muppets which did not have a single laugh-out-loud moment no matter what easily amused people say. Last issue, we met Georgie Snow. I hope she turns out to be Elijah Snow's sister! She, like everybody in the paranormal business, hates John Constantine and refused to be pulled into his shenanigans. She might still be since she was introduced but I think she might be sitting this story arc out from now on. Unless the ghost of her friend Veronica turns up to tell John he was a lousy lay (which would probably be a lie but then you don't go around telling the person who's probably to blame for your death that they were fantastic in the sack).

He can't be drinking "that" in here. Because you're only allowed to drink PBR and Old Milwaukee in record stores. Possibly Hamms and Rainer as well.

Constantine has decided drunkenness is better than heroics so he's going to just drink and drink and lose himself in memories of the past instead of helping a bunch of ghosts not get eaten by the Ghostbuster.

In John's memories, Veronica wants to quit the band (Mucus Membrane (probably not named for the ones in your nasal passages)) because they're getting too wrapped up in the magic. They're playing for demons instead of people now. She called home and nobody remembers her. She's freaking out but John doesn't want to hear it. He's deep in the thrall of the magic and it's all he cares about. Pretty soon he'll learn that he cares more about staying alive which will force him deeper into the magic and further away from caring about the welfare of his friends (at least when it comes to his life versus theirs, ya know?).

So far Elijah Snow hasn't appeared in any of John's memories. But it'll happen! It has to happen! Why name a character Georgiana Snow and not make her Elijah's sister?!

John, stop being a dick. These people have obviously chosen beauty over truth. Most people do. It's why religion is so popular.

A bunch of the ghosts following John around hoping he'll help them suddenly appear on stage with Constantine. And then the Ghostbuster appears and begins feeding on the poor, lost souls. The living people run screaming from the joint. Constantine just stands around wondering where his next drink is going to come from. I suppose one of two things is going to have to happen to pull Constantine out of this drunken spiral. Georgie Snow is going to have to decide to help him, or he'll run into Veronica's ghost which he'll care enough to save.

Constantine heads back to the Secret Library Wing at Cambridge where Georgiana studied the dark arts where he meets the old librarian who says he can answer John's questions. But John doesn't want questions answered. He just wants to wallow in his despair and misery and alcohol.

And write Magnetic Poetry!

Constantine remembers the last time he saw Veronica and how he abandoned her and how he broke not only her heart but her entire life. But mostly Constantine remembers how little he cared. Although now that it's too late, now that he's so far removed from that time and place, he's found he does care. Isn't that the way though? Isn't it always easier to believe you cared more about something than you actually did when you're suddenly steeped in the nostalgia of the thing? So John--saddened by his current place in life, distraught that he's lost the ghost of Gaz, disturbed by his memories of the way he treated Veronica, mind clouded by alcohol--has come to a point of despair. He calls out to the Ghostbuster and allows it to come for him. He stands his ground and allows it to consume him. He's ready for it all to end.

Bom chicka wah wah!

Constantine the Hellblazer #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. Doyle and Tynion understand how to write Constantine. It isn't all about defeating the Bad Thing by casting the most dangerous spell in the world that has too high a cost to count! And then casting the spell and succeeding and then never really paying much of a price at all. Constantine is about the dark places he's allowed himself to travel. It's about living a life damaged by all of the prices he's paid along the way. Yes, he's cocky and arrogant and always has a trick up his sleeve. He's full of bluster and sound and fury to hide the fact that he's nearly always just flying by the seat of his trenchcoat. He's not just the guy who always finds a way out. He's the guy haunted by the things he did to find those ways out. Doyle and Tynion understand Constantine enough that they are succeeding despite the limits placed on this book due to it not being in the Vertigo line. If you were disappointed with the original run of Constantine after The New 52, it's safe to come back to the character now. I give this book the Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Stamp of Approval.