Green Lantern #47

What to use for the next Coast City Gazette headline? "Green Lantern Returns!" or "Fifty Dead in Coast Highway Pile-up"?

Two Sinestro Corps members that I've never seen before begin this comic book by flying through space pissing themselves in fear. You'd think being a Yellow Lantern would make you fearless but if you were fearless than you'd be a Green Lantern! Unless I have that all wrong. I've never really cared about the spectrum lanterns. Some people think it's the Epic of Gilgamesh of Green Lantern comic books. I think it's more "elaborating on an idea Geoff Johns had while trolling for supportive ex-wives of participants in the Gay Pride Parade."

You know how Sinestro wasn't really a great fit for the Green Lanterns even though he met the criteria? I want a story about the Blue Lanterns where a ring chooses somebody like Hitler or Donald Trump to be a member. Not that I'm equating Donald Trump with Hitler because only one of those guys was charismatic.

Anyway, back to the two Sinestro Corps members I've never seen before. I mean, I don't think I've seen them before. Maybe I have. It's just that they're all kind of goofy and ridiculous and since these two are about to be killed by a Green Lantern that may or may not be an aspect of Hal Jordan which escaped during some weird story from the seventies that will be referenced, I'm assuming they're not important members of the Sinestro Corps. In my shriveled little heart of hearts, I kind of hope these are Cullen Bunn's two favorite Sinestro Corps members.

Hal Jordan has now returned to Earth to check on his family. Luckily Guy and the Red Lanterns aren't around to beat him up for being in Sector 2814. Although Warworld is hovering on the other side of the planet battling the Pale Bishop's army! I hope Hal doesn't get drawn into that bullshit.

Hal has a little bit of trouble breaking into his brother's place.

Do to his hair?! He's obviously done absolutely nothing to it!

The cop tells Hal's brother that there will be a fine for a false alarm. Oh bullshit! I don't believe that's how these things actually work! Although, having set off a number of alarms myself due to my floor business, I don't believe the police actually respond to these alarms like this! The first matter of business is for the alarm company to do its due diligence and call the residence to find out if it's a mistake. Then the robber answers the phone and says, "Oh, um, yeah. I'm the, like, um, floor guy or something. They changed the code on the alarm and shit." Then they also contact the manager or owner of the property who tells them that they weren't expecting the floor guy so maybe they should send the cops. Then the cops come and if it is the floor guy and he's white, nobody gets shot and it all resolves nicely except for the part where the floors still need to be cleaned and waxed.

Hal's brother's apartment is boring. No way he has a family if his place looks like that. No wife because there is no color. No kids because there is no mess. Although it's possible he does have a wife and kids' corpses under the bare floorboards.

Why is Hal's brother so obsessed with guys having long hair?! His brother returns from space and in the first five minutes, he brings up Hal's hair at least three times!

Hal and his brother Jim meet up with his brother's wife and kids at the amusement park on the pier where Sonar is planning some kind of terrorist attack. I bet this is the court ordered location to exchange the kids for visits because I still don't believe a woman lives in that apartment.

At the park, Jim continues to be unlikeable as he criticizes the way other people don't wear button up shirts tucked into belted pants with tight haircuts.

Jim's kids are on the Ferris wheel when Sonar's bomb is set off by the ambient noise of the park. That explains why it's all tilted and falling down on the cover! I just figured The Joker fucked it up years ago and nobody bothered to fix it.

Hal tries to keep everybody from dying but it looks like he might have failed to save his nephew Howard because fuck Howard. What did he ever bring to this comic book anyway?! It's his own fault for being a supporting character in a superhero comic book, the little bastard. Hal's been around a long time and should have already learned the bit about not being able to save everyone but it's nice to remind smug and arrogant heroes of the fact every now and again by shoving a girlfriend in the fridge or dropping a nephew on his head or introducing a sidekick to a crowbar.

Meanwhile in space, the Green Lantern killing Yellow Lanterns is old Hal Jordan in his Parallax costume. He's muttering shit about Emerald Twilights and Crimson Dawns. I suppose this is the actual Preboot universe Parallax who went back in time to help stop the Crisis On Infinite Earths from ever happening. Like Lois and Clark, he must have been allowed to live in whatever universe he wanted and he chose the DC You because it needed better space protection.

Green Lantern #47 Rating: No change. Often I've found myself quietly contemplating my life sat outside a local coffee shop drinking iced tea and thinking, "You know what I never got my fill of? Parallax!" Then I shatter the tea cup and gouge out my own eyes for simply thinking something so stupid. Then people passing by rush up to help and scream, "Somebody call 911! This guy was obviously wishing for more Parallax stories!" Then I wake up screaming, not because I just dreamt about gouging out my eyes but because my dream-self actually contemplated needing more Parallax stories. It's also why I don't sleep with anything sharp near the bed because I always look around for something to gouge out my eyes when I have that dream. Um, anyway, yay! Parallax is back! Now where did I leave those scissors?!

DC Comics Presents: Titans Hunt #1

Ugh. Look at those nasty greasy fingerprints already smeared all over this thing.

I am not going to do a proper commentary on a 100-page super spectacular. How much free time do you think I have?! Also, I'm fairly certain those disgusting fingerprints were from the jerk at the local comic book store who bagged this thing before I bought it.

[[MORE]]

Stop pissing in the water and do something to fucking help, Aqualad!

As you can see, the issue begins with Robin's skull about to be smashed upon some rocks. Aqualad is too scared to get out of the water because he dries up in mere minutes and dies if nobody spits on him. And Kid Flash isn't able to outrun Mister Twister's weird wind funnel. This scene starts off the comic book but we all know it's going to flash back to an earlier time before Robin's imminent death. And when this scene actually does take place, it'll be totally different than it's portrayed here. Hopefully part of the difference will be that Aqualad never says "Leaping mantas!"

In the above scan, Aqualad actually looks like I do when I'm trying to acclimate myself to cold water because dipping your balls in is the most shocking part. And Aqualad has just gotten to that point.

Wow! Hatton Corners is my favorite place in the DC Universe!

Finally, a mayor with some common sense! Down with teenagers! Fuck them right in their stupid asses! I mean, don't literally do that! That's probably against the law! It might sound like a sexy crime but teenagers aren't worth having sex with at all. The males are no good at it and the females don't yet realize how freaky they'll be when they hit thirty-four! Who wants to have sex with a teenager when they've yet to realize how awesome rimming is? Both giving and getting!

Meanwhile in a piece of shit barn at the edge of town, the mayor's son is organizing a teenage strike if they don't get their teen clubhouse! Oh no! A strike of teenagers?! Who will roll their eyes and act rudely when asked simple questions?! Who will smoke in the park thinking they're the bees knees?! Who will do chores so poorly that the parents wind up just doing them over again?! Who will awkwardly fondle each other over their clothes while kissing like over-aggressive puppies?!

Batman reads about the teenagers' strike and calls them spoiled brats right in Robin's face. Robin gets his green underpants in a bunch and calls Batman a square! Don't think you're too big of a superhero not to get thrown over the old bat-knee, Robin! Batman doesn't want to hear Robin's thoughts on teenager rights so he lets him go to Hatton's Corner to bother the adults there.

The Flash also doesn't get it but he allows Kid Flash to head over to help the teenagers show those adults what's what. And down in the ocean, an eel nearly dies from teenagers throwing garbage into the sea.

Whoa! I just thought Aqualad died if out of water for more than an hour. But he ceases to exist!

Robin, Kid Flash, and Aqualad arrive at Hatton Corners to find the teen clubhouse demolished by some fantastic wind and the teenagers gone! They've gone on strike and they left a note for the adults. But Robin sees through the note and realizes it was written by an adult because the note said "music" instead of "jive." I caught that too, Robin! I was reading it and thinking, "That sounds like adult-speak if I've ever heard it! Plus the note was super legible and all the words were spelled correctly. So it couldn't have been written by a teenager. Also the note was stained yellow from pee and teenagers can hold their piss far better than adults!"

While the Teen Titans search for the teenagers, Mister Twister attacks Hatton Corners with a tornado! I guess now that he's gotten rid of all the meddling kids, his plan is foolproof! I don't know what his plan is yet but I'm sure it has something to do with robbing something. It's at this point that the opening scene actually takes place and, of course, it's nothing like the initial set-up. Kid Flash saves Robin easily while Aqualad is off talking to a bunch of fish.

This scene would have been more romantic if Wally hadn't just called Dick fat.

Mister Twister reveals his plan for Hatton's Corners: revenge! Or something. Okay, he still isn't very clear but he wants revenge and he wants what's owed him. I guess Robin is going to have to do some investigating to find out what Mister Twister wants. But that won't take place until Chapter Two!

It's now time for Chapter Two which begins with the adults lamenting the loss of the teenagers! Oh how foolhardy they were not to appreciate the nonsense the kids got up to when they were around! Playing the jukebox too loud! Well, that isn't that great a complaint because the stupid owner of the malt shop controls the volume on that thing. The owner of the malt shop is also upset that they messed his place up but isn't that what happens when you're selling ice cream?! Poor fucking bald asshole had to clean up after making crazy bread selling fries and malts to kids all day long?! What an ingrate!

A policeman is sad that he doesn't get to chase them around town anymore and beat the shit out of them when he catches them. And the other adults are just plain bored. They'd do anything to get the teenagers back! Idiots.

Robin does his due diligence and detectives up the place.

Jacob Stikk was an idiot and a pedophile. I bet he drove the Passenger Pigeons extinct just to get his pervy mitts on everybody's kids!

Now years later, Brom Stikk, descendant of Jacob Stikk, has returned demanding his Passenger Pigeon feathers! But the town didn't have any to give him so they just laughed at him and wiped their asses with the rental agreement. That's when Brom Stikk decided to steal the teenagers and put them to work on Goat Island! Of course Robin figures out where the teenagers are so that the Titans can ride a Leaping Manta across the bay and save the kids.

Aqualad notices that the island is perched on a tiny pillar of rock so he enslaves a bunch of whales and forces them to break the pillar and carry the island away from its original location. Now Mister Twister has no leverage to deal with the adults of Hatton's Corner! Surely this is the end of his diabolical scheme! Find out in Chapter Three!

It's now time for Chapter Three which is called "The Town That Would Not Die!" I guess that's supposed to sound defiant as opposed to terrifying? Although I'm not sure how bad off the town is without its teenagers. That sounds like the kind of town that's thriving! I mean, sure, the roller rink would probably close down but that sounds like a small price to pay for peace and quiet.

Whew! All of this sex talk is making me horny!

And then Mister Twister makes some tactical errors or something and he's ultimately defeated by Robin because Robin has no powers and Mister Twister forgets all about him. Hooray! The good guys won! There was more to the story but it hardly matters, right? As long as Mister Twister paid for his crimes and the teenagers learned to respect the adults and the adults learned that if they built a clubhouse, the teenagers would be out of their hair completely, everybody lived happily ever after!

Being a 100-page super spectacular, it contains several more stories to read. I was about ready to pass out from exhaustion when I finished up the Mister Twister story which is why I explained it so unsatisfactorily. Although I'd argue that Bob Haney is the one who really made the ending unsatisfactory! Really. A story about teenagers and adults which ends with both parties respecting each other? Unheard of!

The second story is called "The Beast-god of Xochatan!" That sounds familiar. I think I've read this one before! Judging from the introduction, it sounds like it must be the story from the original Teen Titans #1. I could ask Lord Google but I'm too busy! I really should be reading Green Lantern #47 right now but no! The collector's need for completion I inherited from my mother is really kicking in hard today! Must read and write about old shitty Teen Titans stories!

Dry up, Aqualad!

The Teen Titans have been asked to join the Peace Corps to help save some people in the Peace Corps. I guess everything in the Peace Corps is top secret and only members are given access to information about them. I don't know much about the Peace Corps because I'm against joining cults. I also don't have that need to do things that I can self-righteously brag about to make people feel like lazy assholes. "Oh, you were partying in your early twenties and getting laid and having a generally all-around grand time exploiting your youth and freedom? Well, I was doing things that mattered!"

It seems Aqualad is only on the team so that Robin can get a break from spouting ridiculous interjections: Leaping mantas! Suffering sunfish! Leaping lionfish! Suffering sharks! As you can see, he's not quite as imaginative as Robin though.

Fuck you, Wonder Girl! Who told you to think?! Just bat your huge fake eyelashes and look pretty!

Wonder Girl is allowed to place a new pin in the Peace Corps' map of world domination though. Also she has much bigger boobs than I expected. I hope she's not too "teen" so that I'm only breaking the law in the majority of states by being sexually attracted to her. Also she's fictional so I have that going for me.

After putting a pin in the map for some reason, the Cult Leader says, "You're not really in yet! Come along--indoctrination starts immediately!" What an innocent and carefree time it was when the word "indoctrination" didn't have seriously creepy undertones! "Right team! Let's go get indoctrinated! For the USA!"

The news that the Teen Titans have joined a cult quickly spread to their guardians!

"Don't you dare try to speak with the king! Write the news on your fucking news-shell and deliver it like a proper messenger!"

I tried to ignore Aquababy but I couldn't do it. Aquababy?! AQUABABY?! How come Mera is the only one in this relationship who gets a real name?! And, let's face it, that isn't the worst thing in the above scan. Why is a there a man on Paradise Island in charge of delivering outside news? What better way for a civilization of women to be influenced by the patriarchy? And do Hippolyta and Diana usually stand around watching the news get carved into one stone so that they can know what's happening before everybody else?

Meanwhile in Xochatan, a bunch of Latino stereotypes have angered a giant robot conquistador by not giving it enough fruit and vegetables. Luckily the Teen Titans are parachuting in to save the day! Kid Flash lands on the Conquistador's helmet and runs around the brim super fast. I'm not sure the robot even notices. Then Robin throws a smoke bomb in its face because robots probably hate imagining they're inhaling smoke and also probably don't have optics that allow it to see through smoke. Good moves, guys! I hope Aqualad has the wherewithal to talk to some piranha and asked them what they think about the robot.

Robin's smoke bomb only makes a smokescreen which enables the giant robot to disappear in a cliff face. While the Teen Titans try to unravel the mystery of the disappearing giant robot, let me bring up another mystery! How the fuck did Aqualad survive the plane trip to South America? Was he sitting in a tub of water on the plane? How embarrassing.

Wonder Girl's super power is either intuition, gas, or spontaneous orgasm. Two out of three of those are totally sexist. So I hope it's gas.

In the next panel, one of the boys says, "Oh come on, W.G.! Don't pull that woman's intuition stuff on us!" And then another woman in the crowd says, "I feel it, too!" If she has the same power, maybe she can become Wonder Girl's sideick!

A bulldozer slides down the hill nearly crushing everybody before plunging into the river. Great! An opportunity for Aqualad to be useful! Save the bulldozer, Aqualad! Save it!

This is just fucking embarrassing. Somebody told Aqualad that being able to exist out of water for only an hour was "an ability."

Aqualad ties Wonder Girl's lasso to the bulldozer and she hauls it out of the river. Is her lasso exactly the same as Wonder Woman's? I mean, of course it is because Wonder Girl was just young Wonder Woman until she wasn't! I guess the lasso is one of those artifacts that has a backup just in case the first one is eaten by a hydra.

Dude, she's like thirteen. I can ogle her because she's on a different plane of reality than I am. You're on the same plane so you're a creepo perv.

I don't even know what Robin is hinting at in the panel above. Is Wonder Girl going to rap next?

Robin uses his detective brain to figure out that the cliff where the robot disappeared was hollow so they head back to investigate. Kid Flash does the vibration trick that Linda will eventually love and disappears into the cliff face. Seconds later, he's chased out by the robot! Why? I don't know yet! I'm sure the evil mastermind behind this entire plot will explain it in a few pages. I just hope the villain isn't Juan Valdez! He was one of the Latino stereotypes earlier.

Just before the second chapter ends, a jaguar with the face of a man exits the pyramid to play with Kid Flash. It's just as fast as Kid Flash so he can't lose it until he runs into the ancient labyrinth he finds in the jungle. Handy those ancient labyrinths!

Wonder Girl battles a bird with a human face and Aqualad battles a serpent with a human face. They kill some of them and Wonder Girl loses her lasso for good (or until next issue) before they finally find and defeat the man behind it all!

Wait. Are the Teen Titans really just the Scooby Gang?

So the Teen Titans first big enemy in their own series was Don Matanzas, a balding French man with a love of oppressing the poor! Maybe he wasn't actually French but he kept saying "ze" which totally sounds French to me. At least the way I read it.

The next story is "The Secret Olympic Heroes" which totally sounds like boring bullshit especially since it stars Speedy! Fucking Roy Harper! At least I don't have to worry about him Narration Boxing in this old comic.

The story begins with America's best hope to win all of the Olympic track events running away. And since he's the best runner America has, nobody can catch him! He simply disappears while his dad yells, "Davey! This person calling you right now is me! Your dad! You know, your father! The person who impregnated your mother! I'm calling you with my voice! That's the voice you hear right now! It's mine! Your dad's voice! DAVEY!"

Christ, Wonder Girl! Put your dick back in your pants.

Via their private television station, the Teen Titans get a plea from Davey's father to help his son. Aqualad does his thing and yells "Holy Hammerheads!" That's a new one. Better yet, Wonder Girl says, "Suffering Sappho!" Between that exclamation and her pants-ruining moment looking at Davey's picture, I'd say it's official that Wonder Girl is bisexual.

Before anybody can react to Wonder Girl's sapphic revelation, an intruder intrudes! But it's only Speedy! Batman squealed and told Green Arrow the secret location of the Teen Titans' Clubhouse. He needed to find them so he could tell them all that he's going to be in the Olympics! Well, he's not actually going to be in any of the actual events since it's probably cheating to have a superhero compete. Even if the superhero doesn't have any superpowers and is actually just really good at shooting a bow just like the athletes that will be competing in the Olympics. Anyway, Roy has a sad story about some international organization called Diablo trying to wreck the Olympics. Who cares?!

Did every issue of the Teen Titans present some kind of propaganda for young kids to embrace? The first issue taught them about how America helps the world via the Peace Corps and how teenagers should get along with adults. Now I'm being told that the Olympics aren't about winning competitions and flaunting your gold medals in rival countries' faces but about friendship and sporting rivalries! But the jokes on the writers because the Olympics are so boring that I can't be bothered to buy into their patriotic nonsense! Plus they decided to make it even more boring by having the story star Speedy!

Eventually something happens or whatever. I think the Olympics were saved and Speedy wasn't invited to be a proper member of the Teen Titans.

There's one more story but I've gone on way too long as it is on a book that has no connection to the DC You! I think I'm just going to go to sleep now. Good night! May all the boys and girls of the world dream about Wonder Girl! But only if your dreamhead makes her the appropriate age for whatever sick things you're going to do to her in your sleep. Goodbye!

Dark Knight Universe Presents: Wonder Woman #1

Does Wonder Woman have a fanny pack to go with those bicycle shorts?

This is another tiny comic book inside of DK III: The Master Race. It's not as tiny as The Atom comic book so it's not as cute. Also it's bright red and Wonder Woman seems to be threatening me with her lasso so I'm a little bit scared of it. At least this commentary will be (bicycle) short(s).

This tiny comic book is meant to show that Lara Kent is rebellious enough to side with the Kandorians in the up and coming race war. She identifies with her father and his people more than her mother and the mortal Amazons. Plus she's simply a teenager who thinks she knows better than everybody around her. I know teenagers scoff when they're told they don't know as much as they think they know and they should. It's what they all do no matter how unique or intelligent they think they are. Adults simply have to accept it and constantly be exhausted by it because we know, having already lived through it, that eventually they'll look back on how arrogant they were and simply shake their head. Wonder Woman does a decent job of explaining the phenomenon in this comic book but it's still not something that can easily be explained to a person in the throes of teenagedom. It's not that as an adult you suddenly know everything. It's just that as an adult, you eventually reach a place where you don't know everything and so your opinions (that seemed so crystal clear and correct and obvious when you were a teenager) are softened and you allow yourself the capacity to doubt yourself.

No wait. I've completely mucked up the previous paragraph because I know plenty of adults who are complete and utter asshats who think they're the brightest fucking star in the sky. It's not about age at all. It's simply about maturity. Some teenagers ((imagine five thousand "very"s here) few) have the maturity that some adults (way more than it should be) lack. Age doesn't matter. People are arrogant assholes all across the spectrum. Just look at the bright side, teenagers. Your lack of maturity and arrogance is a price you pay for being inexperienced. You have the potential to look at your flaws and change. Most adults who maintain their lack of maturity well into adulthood have seemingly lost this ability, entrenched in old fashioned ideas like dinosaurs sinking in a tar pit of bitterness and anger.

I'm lucky that I actually am as smart and always correct as I think I am!

Dark Knight Universe Presents: Wonder Woman #1 Rating: It was a free comic book! Just fucking enjoy it. I mean, technically it wasn't free because you had to pay six dollars for the comic book that it was inside of. But just let the illusion of its freeness embrace you and stop being such a stickler! Jesus. Look at me! Asking the internet to stop being such a stickler! Who am I? Sisyphus?!

DK III: The Master Race #2

Merry Christmas!

I didn't mean for that "Merry Christmas" to sound as aggressive as it probably sounded. But I can't help that Christians have made wishing somebody a Merry Christmas a passive-aggressive act. I'm an atheist who grew up in an areligious household and we celebrated Christmas because we loved getting together as a family for whatever reason. Pretty much my entire life, if somebody wished me "Merry Christmas," I'd say it back to them. If they said "Happy Hanukkah," I'd say "Happy Hanukkah" back to them. Repeat the previous sentence structure with "Happy Holidays" or whatever you've got. I never thought to answer a cheerful holiday greeting with "I'm not Christian" or "I'm not Jewish" or "Fuck you, you libtard son of a bitch!" But Christians, in their effort to seem completely persecuted by the American government and its complicit citizenry, have decided that they're being brave and rebellious by saying "Merry Christmas." But what they've actually done is turned the phrase into a "Fuck you" which seems kind of against the spirit of the season. I'm just happy this time of year because the days are beginning to get longer and I fucking look forward to once again seeing some Goddamned sun up here in the Pacific Northwest!

I should probably be at the store and not reading comic books because I'm always ill-prepared for stores closing over the holidays. I usually wind up eating burritos from 7-Eleven because I'll be damned if I'm going to keep actual food in this house!

The issue begins with the current Batman being hauled into a police car while screaming that Bruce Wayne is dead. The current Batman is a young girl who is probably named Carrie Kelley but fuck if I know what transpired in DK2 because I never read it. That probably means it wasn't worth reading, the logic being that I only read things worth reading. Clearly that logic is false not because it's obvious that I can't have the time to read everything worth reading but because I've read things written by Scott Lobdell which proves I also read things that are a complete and utter waste of everybody's time.

In prison, Carrie tells the story of how Bruce Wayne died to Commissioner Glasses.

Bruce spent three years dying from injuries received from the villain of DK2. I think.

As a cynical bastard, I want to say that we all die alone and who the fuck cares, at the end, one way or another? But having been there for my cat Judas during his final moments, kneading bread dough and purring as I scratched his head, I know it matters.

Excuse me while I compose myself.

Meanwhile Ray Palmer and Supergirl have taken on the task of feeding and watering Kandor.

Actually, Kandor is expanding too, dum-dum. Otherwise it would appear to be shrinking.

If time travel were possible and a human traveled back in time, would that human appear as a giant to the other humans of the past? Due to, you know, having expanded with the universe?

Ray Palmer hasn't just taken over the care of the Kandorians, he's also looking to make them bigger. Because what the world needs is a bunch of supermen that weren't raised by human farmers to believe that he wasn't any better than anybody else. What the world needs is a bunch of normal sized Kandorians bitter at having been kept captive for years! What the world needs is a race of beings who think they should be the masters of everybody else simply because they have the power to make it happen! Am I still talking about the Kandorians or did I slip into social criticism?

Anyway, I think we've found the Master Race from the title.

On the way to Blackgate, Carrie whistles up a missile and blows her transport clean open.

The new Batmobile is a tad bit aggressive.

Carrie Kelly escapes in her fat Batmobile while Ray Palmer has made a huge mistake.

Maybe in The Dark Knight Universe, Gob Bluth said "horrible" instead of "huge."

Quar turns The Atom's enlargement ray back on Ray and switches it to "reduce." When The Atom becomes tiny, Quar's son Baal steps on him. I know the sound effect "CRUSH" was made but that probably just means Baal crushed the mechanism which Ray shrunk out of. The Ray is always pulling this kind of shit where he fakes his death by going super small.

Ray Palmer's first mistake was helping a guy named "Baal." Everybody should always assume that they're in a work of fiction where names foreshadow shit. So if some guy named Baal asks you for help, you should probably say "No thank you" before signing your name to that contract he's proffered.

Carrie Kelly heads back to the Batcave where Bruce Wayne waits for her. Oh that cheeky girl! I don't know why they needed everybody to believe Bruce Wayne was dead when everybody already sort of believed it anyway (right?) but the ruse probably won't last for long since Batman and Robin are going to be battling a lot more than one Superman soon.

DK III: The Master Race #2 Rating: No change. This is a Batman comic book that just got to Batman two issues in. I guess that's okay because it's also just as much about the Dark Knight World as the Dark Knight itself. Plus it did have Batman except it was Carrie Kelly Batman which is a fine Batman that I have nothing against! Except now that the real Batman was introduced, I feel cheated that the first issue tried to force me to accept Carrie Kelly as the hero of this story! I think I'm on the side of the Quar and Baal because they didn't lie to me! Sure, they lied to Ray Palmer but that's what he gets for believing in the purity of science for its own sake and disregarding the dangers inherent in playing God!

Batman and Robin Eternal #12

This cover disturbs me even if that isn't an erection in Batman's pants.

In Batman Eternal, Snyder, Tynion, and Company spent way too many issues not answering the questions that readers wanted answered. I forget most of the questions everybody was desperate to know the answer to but I know one of them was "Who is behind it all because it's obviously not Cluemaster and if it is fuck you?!" They spent fifty issues beating around the bush before answering that question! I've heard that Batman and Robin Eternal is only going to be 26 issues so isn't it about time that they reveal who Mother built to be the best Robin ever?! I don't think there are any other questions than that because we all know Batman didn't actually requisition a Robin because he as unhappy with Dick but because he was trying to stop Mother. And we all know that Batman didn't really kill the parents of that girl in Egypt because Batman doesn't know how to shoot a gun. I suppose some readers might also be wondering why Harper Row is so important to the mystery but I didn't want to bring that up because I can't answer that question and can't make a joke about it. Not that I can't think of some funny ways to make Bluebird sound irrelevant! I totally can! But who wants to piss off all the Harper Row fans?! I pissed off a Voodoo fan once and a Wildstorm fan once and a Twat Lobo fan once (or twice (or three times)) and a Deathstork fan once and a Batman fan once and some Marcus To fans once and Cullen Bunn once and I really didn't like having to pretend that they didn't hurt my feelings when they Internet Screamed at me.

This issue begins where the last issue left off which can't last long, can it? Isn't the format of the weekly comic to forget about the characters who were in the spotlight the week before to concentrate on characters you don't give a fuck about only to begin giving a fuck about them by the end of the issue so that you can be pissed the week following when the story has changed direction yet again?! Not that I'm complaining because last issue left off with Dick about to discover the identity of Mother's Made-to-order Robin, if his Spyral tech didn't wind up killing him and The Sculptor during the Mindshare.

Whoops!

Dick and The Sculptor wind up chasing each other through a mash-up of both of their thoughts. I'm going to put my Monkees playlist on Shuffle while I read this wacky chase scene. Some of you might prefer "Yakkity Sax" or something from Scooby Doo. I bet there's a scene where they're in a hallway with a bunch of doors and they run in some and out others and then Frankenstein will pop out of one and Dick will come out in a towel and then The Sculptor will come out chased by feral dogs.

Before getting to the bit where somebody just fucking tells me who the mystery Mothered Robin is, The Sculptor tells her origin story which is also the origin story of Mother's organization. In the beginning, there was Mother. Then Mother created David Cain. Then she created a helpmeet for David Cain and that was The Sculptor. David's job was to kill the families of the selected youths, to orphan them and bring them into Mother's organization. The Sculptor used her telepathic powers to shape the minds of the children so they could become the products Mother needed them to become. Then they trained and did all of that other crap that evil leagues do. The children grew up and were sold or placed into positions of power or simply let loose to be called upon when needed. Mother's children were everywhere. And still are.

After Sculptor explains Mother's business model, she gives Dick the knowledge to find Mother. And then she finally gets around to the important bit about Batman's purchase!

Oh boy! Here it comes!

Or does it? I mean, do I really believe I'm going to turn the page to discover the name of the ultimate Robin that Batman purchased so long ago? If I had to guess, it coincides with the question I couldn't answer earlier. It must be Harper Row. Perhaps that's why Batman tried so hard to dissuade her from being Robin. He wanted to give her as much of a chance as possible to escape Mother's plans for her. Sure, she'd have to be really young at the time but building a proper Robin takes years! This might also answer the question about Batman murdering the Egyptian couple. He probably had to prove himself in some way so he faked up that incident and had Wayne Enterprise build an android Egyptian child that he could present to Mother as the child he orphaned! Is that too much to believe even for a comic book?

Batman does agree to kill so that he can be at the birth of his Robin. Dick earnestly believes he's watching Batman buying into Mother's scheme because Dick is obviously a stupid asshole.

Of course there can be no other explanation at all! Batman murdered because Dick was an incompetent little shit. The end!

Dick breaks the connection believing that Batman is a cold blooded killer as opposed to believing that everybody who would have these memories truly believes Batman is a cold blooded killer. Unless Dick is pretending to believe these things in the same way that Batman pretended to be working with Mother so that if The Sculptor were setting him up, she would truly think he was falling for it! That sounds more reasonable! That's what I choose to believe because I know Dick better than to believe he believes what the comic wants me to believe he believes!

Meanwhile, Cassandra Cain totally just murdered all of the children in Mother's Nursery because I saw all the circumstantial evidence pointing to her as the killer and there can be no other explanation at all! She's a monster!

Batman and Robin Eternal #12 Rating: No change. So that's it then! Batman is a murdering prick! No need to read any more issues because it's been settled and who wants to read any more stories about a guy who murders people but then tells other people not to murder people. He might as well be a politician! Unless, of course, Batman didn't actually kill that family in Egypt. No, no. It's patently obvious by the way the story was told that it happened and the narrative isn't manipulating me into thinking something is true that isn't. That would be dishonest! So I guess I won't be reading anymore Batman comic books! Instead I'm just going to read Punisher comics and draw little pointy ears on his head and a bat symbol on his chest and write "BATMAN" over "The Punisher" on the cover.

This has been a free taste of my wonderful reviews! This one is free to, you know, try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As Collin Kelly (co-writer of Batman Eternal) said about my Batman and Robin Eternal #10 Review: “'It’s like mainlining the I Ching while slamming your dick in The Exegesis of Philip K. Dick.' This review forever.” The mainlining the I Ching part was from my review and he was quoting me and now I'm quoting him quoting me. So don't be too confused by that part. If you’d like to support me and maybe get me to offer even more freebies (sure, why should you pay when other people will get them for free? Probably because you’re a totally terrific and swell person!), please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It’s totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!

Justice League #46

Was there not one female Looney Tunes character that wasn't a knockoff of a male character? Was Tweety female?!

The Justice League have all turned into Gods except for Cyborg because nobody believes in a God of Computers. That's just silly. And Wonder Woman is already a God which is why she didn't get her own special comic book and not because she's a woman at all. I mean, you'd think giving one-shots to all the white males while leaving the black guy and the woman out might be seen by some in an unfavorable light. Although most people might just view it as DC Comics' Regular Policy of not giving a fuck about anybody but white male readers even though they spent all that money screaming at us about how inclusive they're now being because this is the DC YOU, GODDAMMIT! But that's just the cynical way of reading events while purposefully ignoring the facts. Simply put, Wonder Woman is already a god which would make it impossible for her to become another god. And making a God of Computers is practically a paradox if you don't think about it at all and just shut up already.

This issue begins with Wonder Woman Godsplaining things to the reader. "Gods aren't always born! Sometimes they're made! Now I'm going to use a clay analogy because WINK! GET IT?!" She then goes on to tell the tale of Queen Ino who was transformed into a god on the day she committed suicide. This story parallels the Justice League's current situation in that it tells the story of a mortal becoming a god. The point of the story to Wonder Woman?

Technically, there still would have been an Odyssey except it would have been different and probably much shorter. Technically technically, without Homer there would have been no Odyssey.

Forget what Wonder Woman is saying. I think what Geoff Johns is saying is "I'm writing the next fucking Odyssey, bitches!"

The current battle on Earth is taking place between Wonder Woman, Mister Miracle, Cyborg, Steve Trevor, and Power Ring on the good side and Kalibak, Lashina, Steppenwolf, and that New God assassin with the name that begins with "K" that my brain is selfishly keeping for itself on the bad side. I suppose it will prove to be super exciting minus the bit where Steve Trevor is killed instantly.

Although--let's face it--watching Steve Trevor killed on-panel will be pretty cool.

Kanto (that's his stupid name!) manages to stab Mister Miracle in the side with a magic knife because being the universe's greatest escape artist isn't quite good enough if you're facing the universe's greatest assassin. Although even when Mister Miracle has no hand in it, he manages to escape. This time he gets lucky because Big Barda appears saying, "There you are! Are we finally going to have a New 52 relationship that isn't bullshit Earth-2 garbage that makes no sense and pits us against each other because Dan Didio has issues with positive portrayals of relationships?!" She then precedes to hand Kanto his asshole on a silver platter. That's a cute image, right?

Ah yes! This dialogue is reminiscent of the best lines from the great Greek tragedies!

Whenever a writer uses the "VERB THIS!" one-liner, I always read it as "I am on a deadline and cannot spend time thinking up a clever retort so I will just insert this piece of placeholder writing and come back later to punch it up but I'm really just kidding myself because I'll never have time to fix it and it's going to print like this and I should be fucking embarrassed."

Mister Miracle introduces Steve Trevor to Big Barda as "his wife." Way to make it all about you, prick. She has her own fucking first name! It's "Big"! Try using it next time!

So after Big Barda defeats everybody except Lashina in about two panels (Lashina needs to be conscious to say something totally bitchy, of course), this happens:

Which is followed by this:

Which is basically a pantomime of "Superman just got fucking dumped and Wonder Woman and Steve Trevor are going to be banging the shit out of each other in an alley in about thirty minutes."

I say "Superman just got fucking dumped" as if Superman hasn't already broken up with Wonder Woman because this Justice League continuity is totally different from the other DC Youniverse continuity. And if it simply takes place at some point before the current DC You continuity then maybe it explains the real reasons behind why Superman broke up with Wonder Woman. Because he superhears Wonder Woman coming her brains out thirty-three minutes from now.

Lashina tells Barda that she's going to tell on Barda to Granny Goodness while Darkseid's smoking remains lie in the background. Lashina doesn't say, "I totally get it, Barda! I loved my freedom too when I was a member of the Suicide Squad! Go and be happy with Scot Free! I will envy you every day and probably take your huge barbed dildo since you won't be needing it anymore, right?"

Lashina and Barda exchange harsh words while Cyborg is all, "I think I'll stand on this overturned bus in the background. Does that look cool? I look totally cool now, right?" Kalibak interrupts the threats and posturing by making everybody uncomfortable watching him cry over his father's corpse. He decides that they don't need to fight the Justice League. It's time to go on an odyssey and hunt down the Anti-Monitor!

Meanwhile, Metron is trapped in the Rock of Eternity because some Batdick thought it was his right to simply take one of Metron's most prized possessions. This would be part of my evidence for the trial Batman vs. Justice in which I make the argument that Batman only uses his supposed obsession for justice to selfishly do whatever the fuck he wants and to make loads of money as Bruce Wayne by buying property in poor neighborhoods at a steal and then cleaning up those neighborhoods and gentrifying the shit out of the neighborhood now owned mostly by Wayne Enterprises.

Apparently Superwoman was starving on Earth-3. Wasn't she worried about the health of her Batbaby?

Wonder Woman is thinking about the Crime Syndicate because their world was destroyed by the Anti-Monitor. So it's time to go ask Superwoman some questions.

Oh yes. Breaking into a government facility for justice is always better than trying to point out to bureaucrats how the fate of the world hangs in the balance and maybe Wonder Woman might be allowed a moment with Superwoman and her lasso in this instance. Seriously. I wasn't being sarcastic. Fucking bureaucrats are assholes.

Mister Miracle points out that if the Justice League needs to get in somewhere, he can get them in. Meanwhile Cyborg stands in the background with his shoulders slumped, a small teardrop over his forehead, and exhaling a puffy cloud of breath. I suppose it's better to rely on people who have used BOOM Tube technology their entire lives but I'm sure Cyborg would at least appreciate being acknowledged.

Cyborg, Power Ring, Big Barda, and Mister Miracle go on the mission to speak with Ultraman and Superwoman. Yeah. That makes sense. Leave the person with the polygraph lasso behind when going to get information out of hostile individuals.

Wonder Woman probably chose the away team so that she could be alone with Steve Trevor and that alley.

Whew! I'm glad he didn't have to superhear the banging. But he did superhear Wonder Woman say she doesn't love him. That's probably the seed of why he ended it before she could. Poor baby.

Superman decides his best move is to grab Steve Trevor by the head and threaten him. He really is naive, isn't he? That move just put Wonder Woman firmly in Steve Trevor's pants. I mean camp.

Batman is currently still obsessing over The Joker because what else can he do with a chair that gives him all the knowledge of everything? This totally isn't proof that he's a selfish twat incapable of actually caring about helping the world. It's all about him, isn't it?

The Flash is still racing Death.

Shazam is flying around space.

Green Lantern is headed to Gotham to talk Batman out of becoming BatParallax.

Lex Luthor is plotting.

Grail is recovering the anti-life equation from the Anti-Monitor so that he becomes meaningless to the story. This is my second reason that I just came up with for thinking Darkseid is dead for good. Grail will become the next ruler of Apokolips when this is over! This is the DC You, dammit! It's time a woman was the ultimate evil in the universe! Except that Grail's last words as she cuddles the anti-life equation are "Because death is too good for Darkseid." She's both not very good at being a huge super villain and awesome at it all at the same time! Because this is exactly how the greatest super villains sabotage their own plans! So see? Awesome and not very good at the same time!

Justice League #46 Rating: No change. I almost gave this comic book an increase in rankings and then remembered that Wonder Woman sent the exact wrong team to Belle Reve. She chose the team so poorly that they BOOM Tubed outside of Belle Reve because they have no idea exactly where Ultraman and Superwoman are being kept. Who might? Oh, that's right! Steve Trevor! So the person with the knowledge of where they need to go and the person with the tool to get information out of the people they're trying to find are the two people who didn't go on the mission. She should have picked Cyborg to take them since why is she trusting Barda and Mister Miracle with the fate of the world?! And here's a thought that maybe makes the entire trip to Belle Reve a waste of time: just fucking ask Power Ring's ring, Volthoom! I'm sure Jessica could trick it into revealing something. Or perhaps it would just like to give all the information it has on the Anti-monitor because it has a strong sense of self-preservation, right?! Another point that irked me even though I'm generally enjoying this entire story is that Grail was given the title "Goddess of Anti-Life." That's just stupid in a way that makes me not want to explain how stupid it is because it's so stupid I don't want to think about it anymore plus I'm lazy and it's easier to not come up with a reason. Oh! I'm not at all bitter or jealous that Geoff Johns insinuated he's a modern Homer at all and that nobody has ever called me the Internet Blogger's Answer to Herman Melville.

This has been a free taste of my wonderful reviews! This one is free to, you know, try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As King Beauregard says about me: “[Y]ou have interesting things crawling around in your head.” How does he know that?! Now I'm going to feel movement in my head for the rest of the day. Thanks a lot! I probably need to find good quotes about my site from people other than just King Beauregard and Gail Simone! If you’d like to support me and maybe get me to offer even more freebies (sure, why should you pay when other people will get them for free? Probably because you’re a totally terrific and swell person!), please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It’s totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!

Batgirl #46

I bet Spoiler's diary is full of stories that end in sexual gratification.

Dear Diary,
You are the worst, Diary. The absolute worst. You sit there on the bedside table judging me and my painfully intact maidenhead! Every time I pick you up to write in you, I can hear your pages flop with ennui! You probably wish you'd been purchased by some super slut who bangs guys left and right and anally! Well, I've got news for you, Diary! I'm a super slut too! It's just that I'm trapped in the body of an untouchable monster that withers dicks by walking in the room! Apparently! Maybe virginity is the price I'm paying for loving justice so much! I just don't have time to hang out at the roller rink in my jeans just tight enough to begin camel toeing but not quite enough for anybody to talk about it. I'd be flipping my hair back and forth while giggling at all the boys jokes! Sometimes I'd get real flirty and hang on the back of one of them imagining their cock stiffening in their pants at the pressure of my boobs pressed against them! Maybe one of them--not quite the one I'm interested in but perhaps one that's kind of cute and funny and outgoing--will ask me to skate doubles with him! His hand would enfold mine as we skate counter-clockwise around the rink, my hip occasionally bumping his, my heart thrilling, my labia swelling! Eventually, after weekend upon weekend spent at the roller rink, flirting and laughing and teasing, maybe I'd wind up in the back seat of his car with my pants around my ankles as he timidly explores my nether regions, first with his fingers and then--if courage and lust overtake him--with his tongue! Then after I experienced my first orgasm from another person (mostly due to the experience and less due to his experience), I'd unzip his jeans and pull them down around his thighs. I'd see his cock straining against his tight whiteys and I'd eagerly pull at the elastic band to see it spring up into view. I'd take a deep breath of his aroma and gently wrap my hand around his thickness. Then he'd probably come immediately and I'd be a little bit upset when some of his semen got on the arm of my jumper. But I'd smile and giggle and we'd clean up quickly, redress, and head back into the rink where he'd probably play video games with his friends and fucking ignore me for the rest of the night. Hmm. That fantasy was real nice up until the end! Now I'm sort of glad I'm a virgin for justice!

Nadimah and I have been working on this project to make Burnside safer by being nosy and collecting as much information as the locals as we can. We're kind of being extremely pushy but that's because people in this area just don't know what's good for them! Stop doubting me and just trust me, you old people! What we noticed was that gentrification is gentrifying the gentrifiable gentrifications. Gentrification gentrification gentrification! It's all so gentrification I can't gentrificate!

Ugh! Sorry about that! I'm so sleepy! But I guess when you change up your whole superhero look and attitude so that it screams "hipster," you only really have one theme to your battles: gentrification! It's like Batman is kind of crazy so his battles are all about madness. And Superman is all about being noble and trustworthy so all of his battles are with selfish bastards. So now I've decided to live in Gothipster Central, so I'm just going to have to deal with evil real estate developers and construction companies who don't really care more about improving the neighborhood than improving their bank account. It is nice to be able to judge them though! "That is wrong, yous!" I shout while wagging my finger at them and pouting my lips to show my disapproval! "Old people and poor people need low rents in safe neighborhoods, by gum!" Then I'll swivel my hips around and put my waggy finger up to my chin and furrow my cute little brows. "It's good to improve the neighborhood but not at the expense of the current residents, don't you know?!" Then I'll cover my mouth with both hands and say "Tee hee!" before swinging away from the thoroughly chastised bad guys.

It's only a matter of time before I find myself face to face with Wayne Enterprises!

This is totally how gangs work and super believable to boot!

So while out doing some routine patrols to keep the hipster gangs to a minimum, I ran into this bald guy named Lewis. He was all, "Secrecy secrets conspiracy secrets secrets!" And I was all, "Oh shootz!" And he was all, "Shh!" And I was all, "Mums!" We agreed to talk elsewhere later because that's how these kinds of clandestine meetings are arranged. I couldn't really tell how attractive he was so my vagina didn't care about the meeting as much as my brain did. My brain was all, "How do you pop a boner because I am super excited!"

So before I went out to meet this guy, Frankie showed me some neural implant she got for some superhero reason. Oh wait! I remember! It was to be my motorcycle! AnySwayze, I finally decided to stop being a Grump Canary when it came to Frankie being a superhero and we Clit Swore to become BFF Partners! Neither one of us could still voice how she's chosen the name Oracle but has still never flippin' said it. I'm not saying it first! She really needs to say it first!

So after we got done making out and getting all sloppy, I headed out to meet Lewis.

Great. Lewis was trying to drag me into Gotham Mob crap!

So that was it! I had to track down Spoiler and help her. Then maybe after that, I'd point out how I was getting a league of hot young girls together to fight crime! We'd be totally doing it for justice so any vag massages we needed to give each other after big battles wouldn't be gay at all!

I found Spoiler just as she was battling some weird Japanese Elvis Yu-Gi-Oh Wolverine dude. He might have been tough in Osaka but this is Gotham, baby! Tough in Osaka is puppysville in Gotham! Spoiler and I beat the crap out of him easy! With the help of Orac...um, Frankie as the Batgirl-Cycle! Not my menses, Smartass Diary.

So I set Spoiler up in this apartment of this person I know that was probably named Tim or Dick or somebody named the guy I was totally going to bang soon. AnySwayze, I had a big date and I was exhausted! So I knew I wasn't going to become a woman that night because I was going to pass out if I got anywhere near a bed. Unless, of course, Luke is like a total sleep creeper! Probably not, right, Diary?

It could be. But you did hear the part where it's somebody else's, right, Mister Sleep Creeper?!

Oh yeah! I was also having sleep paralysis! But that's totally normal and probably not at all related to some weird super-villain, right Diary?!

Then just before hitting bed tonight, I saw that old lady whose son we promised to help on the news. Her son was being arrested and she was screaming stupid bullpoop about how it was my fault because I promised to keep him safe. Hey, old lady! How about blaming your stupid son for getting into gangs in the first place, hunh?! I'm just trying to friggin' help, you old cow! Garsh! I'm so angry!

Batgirl #46 Rating: No change. Are people really as petty and stupid as the old lady at the end of this comic book? Her son chooses to join a gang. Her son gets arrested. She blames Batgirl because Batgirl said she'd help her son. Lobotomize that old lady! Euthanize her! And then put a bullet in the head of every comic book character that doesn't know how to assign blame and responsibility! Although if I'm angry at characters that are always punishing or blaming the wrong person, I suppose I should be really angry at the original gangster of misdirected blame: God! That guy really knew how to punish the wrong people! I suppose the other thing that's going to happen in this comic book is Luke Fox is going to fuck Spoiler and Batgirl is going to go back to pining for Dick. If you know what I mean! You should know because that wasn't subtle at all.