DK III: The Master Race #9

Did anybody else get the Frank Miller Jizzed All Over the Cover Variant?

If somebody were to have traveled through time to tell me thirty years ago that the Dark Knight Returns would shit all over itself in the subsequent sequels, I would have said, "What's the Dark Knight Returns?" That might be a bit of an exaggeration but I certainly hadn't read the series when it came out. I did own at least two of the four books though! Probably because there was so much hype surrounding them! I just never got around to reading them. I mean, I eventually did! But I might have been looking past the comic book at my current crush and didn't really absorb anything I was reading. You know what? I should probably reread that series. Maybe I was wrong to be disappointed by this series! Maybe The Dark Knight Returns isn't actually as good as everybody almost always claims it is! Maybe it's just as poorly paced and boring as this story!

You know what? I should probably reread this story too! Making snide comments while reading comic books doesn't really help one ingest the full meaning and scope of the comic being read. It's like watching somebody you're attracted to do something talented while constantly thinking, "I wonder what that butt smells like?" You know how that is, right? Afterward they're all, "So, how did I do?!" And you're all, "My pants are ruined!" Then they make that face that says, "We probably won't be talking for awhile." And then you go home and change your undergarments while crying a snot river of your own making.

By the way, that never happened to me and if you say it did, I'll delete this from the Internet and say, "Oh yeah?! Prove it!" Boy, won't you look stupid!

Currently in DK III: The Master Race (Kryptonian! The Master Race is Kryptonian! Unless it's the Amazons. Maybe it's just rich white guys. I don't know!), the Kandorians have decided to eat nuclear fuel and explode so that they can destroy Earth. It's possible this is a thinly veiled allegory about Islamic terrorism but I'm not prepared to talk about serious issues here. Let's just pretend that these extremist Kryptonians who are threatening to blow up the world because nobody would acquiesce to follow their stupid rules is simply that. No reason to ruin a mediocre comic book with controversial issues! I don't know what part of the issues would be controversial because I said I'm not getting into that. You can decide what part of the allegory that isn't actually an allegory is the worst part of the non-existent allegory. Me? I'm just going to finish reading this story that's only about Batman saving the world from aliens and that's all.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ixnay on the alfhay-eedbray! I'm trying to keep this lighthearted!

Somehow, Batman knew exactly where the Kandorians would blow themselves up after they lost the battle with the Amazons. I probably missed the part where he figured that out. He's the master detective, after all. I'm the guy who gets easily distracted while reading comic books and misses whole chunks of things he just read. When he arrives, he uses the Bat Sonic Cannon to wake up all the bats below the Kandorians. If there's one thing that can easily destroy a Kryptonian, it's kryptonite. So I guess the bats are full of kryptonite!

The Kandorians react to the bats by blasting them with heat vision. Batman is worse to bats than Aquaman is to dolphins. But since bats can't take much heat vision before completely disintegrating, most of the heat ray blasts just hit other Kandorians. They all get hit by some other Kandorians panicky laser eyes and they all wind up beaten and bruised on the desert floor. That was a pretty good plan, Batman! Except for all the dead bats. Kind of a dick move, that.

Most of the Kandorians finally say, "Fuck this bullshit!", and try to leave. They thought taking over the world was going to be easy. It might have been if this comic book had been called "Kandorians: The Master Race." But instead it was called "DICK III: The Master Race." So you know what that means.

It's better just to leave it at that since I don't have anything pithy to say. Besides, you probably came up with a good answer yourself in the hopes of guessing what I was going to say.

Before the Kandorians can fly back into their bottle (or wherever they were headed. I mean, really. Where did they think they were going to go if they couldn't take over the Earth?), Quar and his generals turn them into ash with their superior heat vision. That's convenient! It would have been pretty hard for Batman and Superman to deal with all of those Kryptonians if they couldn't kill them. Although I think Dark Knight Batman is okay with killing when it's needed.

Superman beats the crap out Quar's last soldiers so they decide to set off the bombs in their tummies. Who can save them now?! The Atom? Green Lantern? The Hawkpersons? Wonder Woman? Aquaman? The Flash? Hmm, who else has been mentioned in this comic book so far? That's all I can remember! I don't think Plastic Man has made an appearance although he'd be the go-to guy for throwing himself over a bunch of Kryptonians going nuclear to shield the world from the blast. That guy can do anything. He can even look like a fire hydrant!

The hero turns out to be The Atom! He suddenly grows up around everybody and shrinks all the Kandorians into itty-bitty microscopic bombs that barely exude any radiation at all! I guess. I mean, I don't know how all that shrinking stuff works but apparently it doesn't just make the bombs tinier with the same potential for destruction.

Quar decides it's now time to blow up but Lara grabs him and flies him up into outer space. I guess that's how she atones for being a huge jerk for the last eight issues. Now her parents can be proud of her and Batman can say, "Well, I guess we know who the master race really is now!" Then, to make sure everybody understands, he'll point to Atom and himself.

After the battle, Superman disappears, Batgirl changes her costume so it doesn't look so stupid and then changes her name to Batwoman, and Batman is all, "I'm a less arrogant jerk!" That would be the end of the comic book except DC, once again, decided that we needed a bunch of duplicate pages without the color. Dammit, DC Comics! Fill that space with Frank Miller art so I can laugh at it! I almost thought that was the plan this time with the Frank Miller Lara pinup but then I was disappointed. I wasn't expecting more and I wasn't planning on being disappointed but then you had to put the pinup in and get my hopes up. I hate you, DC Comics.

DK III: The Master Race #4

The Review!
DK III: Donkey Kong Country might not be my favorite book currently being published by DC but it has a lot going for it right out of the gate. It's a limited series story written by a writer I trust to tell a good story which means it will have a beginning, middle, and end. What that generally adds up to is a story that actually has a reason for existing. It will probably mean something more than just two super powered people punching each other in the face until the good one proves he or she has more heart than the bad one and the story concludes. I'm not sure why I read so many comic books when those are the kinds of stories I really like. All of this unending comic book shit where every story is just the middle of the story and the end never comes and the beginning constantly changes? Arg! It's enough to make one murder kittens. Which I don't want to do so maybe I shouldn't keep reading comic books! Anyway, this story gets ten thumbs up from five cool kids whom you probably want to be like, so you should put your thumbs up too. I mean, you should read this book. It also comes with a mini-Batgirl comic which you can pretend is free even if it's actually just included in the cover price.

The Commentary!
This issue begins with The Atom tumbling through a bunch of molecules as he grows smaller and smaller. I'm not sure this page was needed to remind everybody that The Atom didn't die because everybody knows when The Atom is stepped on, he survives by becoming super tiny. But it is needed to remind everybody that we're trapped in an existentialist nightmare with no hope of escape. I mean, there's one path to escaping and it isn't getting on a plane with Orr. It's more the Snowden kind of exit we're all eventually heading toward. Those were smart references to Catch-22 in case you haven't seen that movie. I mean read the book! You should read the book! You can also see the movie if you'd like. Why would I stop you? Especially since that part with Kid Samson is horrific on screen. But the book is a masterpiece so you probably shouldn't pass it up for the movie.

Okay, so now the tone of this book has been set and we're all feeling the crushing weight of Life all around us! We're gasping for breath realizing that it's all a waste of time. It's all repetitive motion injuries resulting in a vague kind of PTSD from which we're all suffering. We are all The Atom falling end over end into a dark abyss of unknowable nothingness. So the rest of the book has got to improve our moods, right?!

I'm not sure the next scene is any more uplifting. Superman and his daughter Lara are conflicted about how to protect the Earth. Superman refuses to think of himself as better than the humans, allowing them to make the mistakes they need to make as they continue to try to improve civilization. Lara approaches the idea literally, with help from her Jim Jonesesque new Kandorian father Quar, and believes Earth needs to be protected from Mankind. Lara's reasoning is the kind of reasoning you get from someone who is putting the argument behind the desire. "I want to rule the Earth therefore I'll make up a bunch of arguments for why I should be doing it." It's most people's default setting when they need to think logically or philosophically. Rarely does somebody ever think, "A cow deserves to live just as much as I do, being that we each have just this one chance at life, so what right do I have to gorge on its flesh?" More often, a person thinks, "I would never kill an animal! But holy fuck, taco meat is delicious. I'm glad other people are around to do the killing for me!"

Lara decides to try and convince Superman of her argument, by which I mean she punches him in the face multiple times. Superman refuses to hit his daughter back, so he's going to get pummeled until Bruce and Carrie decide to come to his rescue. Bruce and Carrie have no qualms about hitting a female Kryptonian. Hell, Bruce will probably punch her in the vagina with his kryptonite glove.

Carrie wants to help but Bruce is all, "I did that once already! Too much work!"

I'm ashamed to say it took me turning the page to see Bruce simply meant "We're not going to stand; we're going to sit" and not "Pull up a chair and I'll tell you what we're going to do."

The Kandorians encase Superman in something called "Black Matter" and sink him beneath the ice of the Arctic Ocean (unless it's the Antarctic Ocean, seeing as how DC Comics never did seem to figure out which was which). Black Matter is a theoretical substance in the Dark Knight Universe that exists for plot reasons. Lots of things in science and magic only exist for plot reasons in stories. It just makes it easier to resolve some situations, like say you need Superman out of commission but you don't want to kill him. Sure, there are other ways but it's better to use a new method than to use something that already exists in the DC Youniverse or else some smart ass fangender is going to come along and be all, "Actually, we saw in Adventures of Superman #422 that blarg dee blarg blarg blargaboo. Meh."

After dunking Superman, Quar turns his attention to Gotham City and politely requests the city turn Batman over to him. He also reminds them that the polite asking will only last for thirty-six hours and then he's simply going to have to kill them all. I guess he doesn't want to kill them all outright because he and the other Kandorians are going to need people who can make Cinnabuns and Oreos and alcohol and jerky.

The world surrenders to the Kandorians and Wonder Woman decides to honor her husband's and the world's decision. After all, what does it matter to her, living in the jungle with her baby? But Batman? Batman's going to have to fight because his alias is right there on the cover of the book. I mean, the initials of his alias are right there on the cover of the book.

Smiling Batman is best Batman.

Visually, Dark Knight Batman has always been the one I think of when I think of Batman. Not that I want my superheroes to be overly muscled, hulking oafs. But Batman has always been larger than life. To see him representative of his mythic stature is pleasing. Although it goes a little deeper than that as well. This Bruce Wayne, this big, thick, tall man, is how I've always viewed adult males. It's the image I have of my father and of my uncle and of several elementary school friends' fathers whom I viewed as having this kind of stature when I was young. Sure, none of them actually look like this. But they carried something grave, something bigger than what I could see which I seemed to know instinctively I would never have. I'm as old (or probably older!) than they all were when I viewed them this way and I doubt that any young person has ever looked at me and thought, "Now that's an adult male!" It's probably one of two major things (as well as a million minor!): the post-draft times I grew up in weren't intense enough to forge me into a man, or I've always just been too goofy to have any authority. Maybe it's both.

The Flash decides to make an appearance but only long enough to have one leg broken by a Kandorian and left to bleed out on the streets of Gotham. Luckily he collapses by a manhole with somebody poking their head out to see what's what. It looks like Bane but who the fuck can tell since this universe is so different. Even Flash looked like a drunk bastard just come from lifting kettle weights at the gym. The story almost ends with Batman telling Commissioner Yindel to stop getting drunk and help save the city. It actually ends with The Atom having a brief moment of euphoric revelation that sometimes occurs in the dark during just one of the nights in a seemingly endless succession of endless nights which make up the totality of our actually brief existentialist nightmare. It's a moment of hope that all is not lost. Something can be salvaged. Meaning can be found. A moment which eventually just makes the rest of the despair all the more worse.

Dark Knight Universe Presents: Batgirl #1

What the fuck is happening here?

The Review or Whatever!
During DK III: The Master Race #4, Batman gave Carrie Kelley a mission and a graduation present. It looks like the graduation present was the awful pink and green Batgirl costume. Is that really a present? "Here! Have a costume that's even more ridiculous than the Pederast's Dream Robin outfit!" You know how Batman action figures have names like "Arctic Batman" and "Jungle Batman"? I think the card on the original Robin action figure should read "Pederast's Dream Robin". Anyway, the mission was to deliver some drugs to Aquaman. It's mostly a mystery as to why Aquaman needs the drugs, or why he was waiting so patiently for them, or why he decided to take Batgirl under the sea with him after the delivery, or why Batgirl's costume is the color of Easter Bunny vomit.

This story is a metaphor for hard work! To succeed in life, one must be willing to break at least one bone in the body of each and every one of your competition. No wait! The breaking of bones is probably a metaphor as well! Although I think making "selling drugs" a metaphor for "hard work" makes me think maybe I'm pulling at the wrong thread. That's a metaphor too!

Oh wait! I think I got it!

Batman gives drugs to Carrie which leads her on a troubled journey beneath the sea which is an obvious metaphor for dropping acid and taking a trip through ones own subconscious! Aquaman probably represents Carrie's worst thoughts about herself. The only thing Aquaman can truly be a metaphor for is a person's low self-esteem. To really get at the roots of this psychedelic experience (OH! That's why the costume's colors!), we'll have to wait until the story is continued since it ends with Batgirl about to slip beneath the waves of her rational mind.

Dark Knight Universe Presents: Green Lantern #1

Rock God!

This is a weird little story. It's a Hal story. But it's also a not-Hal story that might have its roots in other Green Lantern stories that I've never read. It seems Green Lantern isn't human? He's some thing called a Moppet that pretends to be Hal Jordan? Or something.

Anyway, Hal gets his ass kicked because he doesn't know how to deal with or treat women, especially ones named Carol. But the story ends one panel too soon so that the readers think that Hal Jordan is out of the fight. But seriously? You cannot defeat Green Lantern by cutting off the hand with the ring on it and throwing it into space! That ring is too smart to be fooled by that! Although maybe Hal's ring isn't. It's so used to him just punching stuff that it probably wouldn't notice that the fist had been disconnected from the brain.

DK III: The Master Race #3

The Key to the Fortress of Solitude? This story obviously takes place in a universe of which DC Comics is ashamed.

Rating: +1 Ranking.

These may be fictional versions of fictional characters but they're up there among the best portrayals of Batman and Superman I've read. Sure, they've only appeared for one issue and things could go downhill quickly but I liked them this issue. I genuinely liked their characterizations here.

Batman acknowledges his faults and praises Carrie's work as Batman and/or Robin. He's still Batman so of course he doesn't tell her and only gives her warm fuzzies while she's sleeping (or, you know, pretending to. Probably because she knows she won't get praise while conscious. And Batman probably knows she's pretending but tells her anyway because it's some kind of game where they all save face by acting like idiots instead of honest people who care about each other). Batman knows he's needed. He knows Superman is needed. He knows they need help to save the world and he's not willing to be that version of Batman everybody seems to love. You know, the one where Batman does everything himself and staunchly refuses help but acquiesces readily when Batgirl waggles her finger at him.

Superman has taken a time out from the world because he and Batman almost destroyed it. Some people might look at this version and think, "What a puss! Superman would never abandon the world! So dumb!" But think about it. This is what I've been asking Superman to do for nearly four years now! He cannot save the world if he's constantly the most dangerous thing in it. And while I hate that modern writers have treated him as a dangerous weapon, I accept that all the stories being told simply prove that he's too dangerous to run amok on Earth. He's constantly mind-controlled or turned into Doomsday or having his powers stolen and used against him or being turned into a magic slave. Encasing himself in solid ice and locking himself away (I'm sure the front door was locked before his daughter came by to steal Kandor) was the only way to protect the Earth from himself. Right up until he knows that the Earth is in danger because of his pets and he steps up to take responsibility. The DC Youniverse could do worse than this Superman trapped in ice. Oh wait. It currently is doing worse than that.

The Kandor threat is a nice touch because even if I'm tired of bad Kryptonians coming out of nowhere to attack Earth, it's a believable setup to have a handful of villainous Kandorians out of a whole city full of them. Having Wonderman (Supergirl's daughter! She took her mother's first name and father's last name. At least in my imagination) turn against him works because she's got Daddy Issues due to Absent Father Syndrome.

Why is it older Batman is always so much better than late twenties/early thirties Batman? Oh wait. I know the answer to that! I just won't say it because I don't want to offend people in their late twenties and early thirties by performing clique maintenance!

DK III: The Master Race #2

Merry Christmas!

I didn't mean for that "Merry Christmas" to sound as aggressive as it probably sounded. But I can't help that Christians have made wishing somebody a Merry Christmas a passive-aggressive act. I'm an atheist who grew up in an areligious household and we celebrated Christmas because we loved getting together as a family for whatever reason. Pretty much my entire life, if somebody wished me "Merry Christmas," I'd say it back to them. If they said "Happy Hanukkah," I'd say "Happy Hanukkah" back to them. Repeat the previous sentence structure with "Happy Holidays" or whatever you've got. I never thought to answer a cheerful holiday greeting with "I'm not Christian" or "I'm not Jewish" or "Fuck you, you libtard son of a bitch!" But Christians, in their effort to seem completely persecuted by the American government and its complicit citizenry, have decided that they're being brave and rebellious by saying "Merry Christmas." But what they've actually done is turned the phrase into a "Fuck you" which seems kind of against the spirit of the season. I'm just happy this time of year because the days are beginning to get longer and I fucking look forward to once again seeing some Goddamned sun up here in the Pacific Northwest!

I should probably be at the store and not reading comic books because I'm always ill-prepared for stores closing over the holidays. I usually wind up eating burritos from 7-Eleven because I'll be damned if I'm going to keep actual food in this house!

The issue begins with the current Batman being hauled into a police car while screaming that Bruce Wayne is dead. The current Batman is a young girl who is probably named Carrie Kelley but fuck if I know what transpired in DK2 because I never read it. That probably means it wasn't worth reading, the logic being that I only read things worth reading. Clearly that logic is false not because it's obvious that I can't have the time to read everything worth reading but because I've read things written by Scott Lobdell which proves I also read things that are a complete and utter waste of everybody's time.

In prison, Carrie tells the story of how Bruce Wayne died to Commissioner Glasses.

Bruce spent three years dying from injuries received from the villain of DK2. I think.

As a cynical bastard, I want to say that we all die alone and who the fuck cares, at the end, one way or another? But having been there for my cat Judas during his final moments, kneading bread dough and purring as I scratched his head, I know it matters.

Excuse me while I compose myself.

Meanwhile Ray Palmer and Supergirl have taken on the task of feeding and watering Kandor.

Actually, Kandor is expanding too, dum-dum. Otherwise it would appear to be shrinking.

If time travel were possible and a human traveled back in time, would that human appear as a giant to the other humans of the past? Due to, you know, having expanded with the universe?

Ray Palmer hasn't just taken over the care of the Kandorians, he's also looking to make them bigger. Because what the world needs is a bunch of supermen that weren't raised by human farmers to believe that he wasn't any better than anybody else. What the world needs is a bunch of normal sized Kandorians bitter at having been kept captive for years! What the world needs is a race of beings who think they should be the masters of everybody else simply because they have the power to make it happen! Am I still talking about the Kandorians or did I slip into social criticism?

Anyway, I think we've found the Master Race from the title.

On the way to Blackgate, Carrie whistles up a missile and blows her transport clean open.

The new Batmobile is a tad bit aggressive.

Carrie Kelly escapes in her fat Batmobile while Ray Palmer has made a huge mistake.

Maybe in The Dark Knight Universe, Gob Bluth said "horrible" instead of "huge."

Quar turns The Atom's enlargement ray back on Ray and switches it to "reduce." When The Atom becomes tiny, Quar's son Baal steps on him. I know the sound effect "CRUSH" was made but that probably just means Baal crushed the mechanism which Ray shrunk out of. The Ray is always pulling this kind of shit where he fakes his death by going super small.

Ray Palmer's first mistake was helping a guy named "Baal." Everybody should always assume that they're in a work of fiction where names foreshadow shit. So if some guy named Baal asks you for help, you should probably say "No thank you" before signing your name to that contract he's proffered.

Carrie Kelly heads back to the Batcave where Bruce Wayne waits for her. Oh that cheeky girl! I don't know why they needed everybody to believe Bruce Wayne was dead when everybody already sort of believed it anyway (right?) but the ruse probably won't last for long since Batman and Robin are going to be battling a lot more than one Superman soon.

DK III: The Master Race #2 Rating: No change. This is a Batman comic book that just got to Batman two issues in. I guess that's okay because it's also just as much about the Dark Knight World as the Dark Knight itself. Plus it did have Batman except it was Carrie Kelly Batman which is a fine Batman that I have nothing against! Except now that the real Batman was introduced, I feel cheated that the first issue tried to force me to accept Carrie Kelly as the hero of this story! I think I'm on the side of the Quar and Baal because they didn't lie to me! Sure, they lied to Ray Palmer but that's what he gets for believing in the purity of science for its own sake and disregarding the dangers inherent in playing God!

Dark Knight III: The Master Race #1

I touched up the cover because it's already covered in Thanksgiving fingerprints.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! Here's a free review for all the cheapskates! Thanks to all the non-cheapskates too! You'll get a little something extra special coming up!

Some people will dispute my choice to call this "Dark Knight III" when it obviously just says "DK III" on the cover. But my brain will not allow me to see "DK" as anything except Donkey Kong so I'm willing to brave the slings and arrows of insufferable internet bastards who are also, thankfully, imaginary.

It's been a long time since I've read The Dark Knight Returns and I'm not sure I've even read Return of The Dark Knight Strikes Back so I hope I can follow this series. Here's a refresher for the two or three people who know even less about the series than I do! You'll be thankful for my always pithy insights to the previous books. In the first series, Batman and Superman fought and Batman somehow didn't turn into a pile of ashes. There was a female Robin. The government didn't like Batman. I think? Gangs of goggle wearing weirdos were running amok. Did The Joker and Batman ride in the Tunnel of Love? Was that part of that series? Man, maybe you should ignore my pithy insights because I think I might be using pithy incorrectly.

I'm fairly certain I never read the second series. So I'm totally set to read the third part of a trilogy I can't remember and haven't read all of!

The issue begins with a kid being chased by cops in the Narrows. You might be thinking it's a white kid because I just said "kid" and you're a racist asshole who assumes if I don't put a racial modifier on "kid" than the kid must be white. But he wasn't. That's probably why the cops were chasing him. Look, we all live in America. No, no. Don't argue. If you don't live in America, you just think you don't live in America because America is like a violently patriotic sneeze-fit mist covering the world. It's an idea that has permeated the logic of everything, making us all see through red-, white-, and blue-tinted glasses. I didn't specify that it wasn't a curse. I'm just saying it's the way things are. Anyway, we all live in America. Shh! Shh! Don't argue because then I'll just have to say it again so I can get to my thought. And living in America, we all understand that if you're black, you're already a suspect. If you don't believe that then you're desperately living in a state of denial rivaling that of parents who think their daughter broke curfew because she "fell asleep watching movies on her boyfriend's couch." Hey parents? They were fucking. The kids were fucking and that's why they got home late. Deal with it. Anyway, nothing proves the point more that black Americans live in a state of perpetual suspectness more than the fact that unarmed black men are regularly shot by police while white men with assault rifles can march around freely in public citing open carry laws. I don't see any police giving black males the benefit of the doubt when they're walking around with an object that might be a gun if you squint a little bit and are a racist cop.

Some people defend cops citing that their job is dangerous and they need every means at their disposal to protect themselves. But that doesn't mean it's not racist that part of the means of protecting themselves is shooting black males at the drop of practically anything because the cops fear black males. That's racist. Believing that black males are more likely to commit violent crimes is also racist which perpetuates the fear of black males which causes more of them to get shot by police because police think they're all up to no good and can kill with wallets or cigarettes or just...I don't know... laser eyes. Do black males have laser eyes? If they had laser eyes, I might defend the police. But I'm fairly certain black males do not have laser eyes.

Anyway, this kid snaps some pictures of Batman beating up the cops about to shoot the kid.

That'll do, Batman. That'll do.

Oh wait! It's the pig that's told "That'll do" and not the guy slaughtering the pig! I always get Babe mixed up with eating bacon. You know where you went wrong, pigs? You should never have developed a body that contains so many different tastes in it! Bacon. Ham. Pork chops. Cracklings! You're a white trash buffet on legs! You really should have evolved to taste like vegetables. But then I guess mankind would never have welcomed you into his barnyard to eat the corpses of his victims, would he?

The kid's photos go viral which must mean they infect a lot of people and make them sick. Which they do! Everybody is upset seeing Batman beating up cops. I don't see anybody saying anything clever like "Well, I guess the Bat watches the watchmen from his bat tower of bats!" I wish I were clever so I could come up with examples of clever things people might say. People should be grateful that Batman is keeping cops in line but I guess nobody wants a mysterious masked man taking the law into his own hands when they have unmasked cops doing that already.

For the record, I'm pro Batman beating up cops in a comic book. I'm sure he has a good reason because this is a contrived plot written by writers who I trust to have an interesting story in mind. It might not be a good story but it will probably be coherent and interesting. If Batman were beating up cops in a Lobdell comic book, I might not be in favor of that. Mostly I wouldn't be in favor of Lobdell writing another comic book. Haven't we been tortured enough?

Meanwhile in the Amazon (maybe?)...

Why isn't there lightning behind the Minocentaur? There should be lightning.

A Minocentaur! That sounds like a job for Wonder Woman! Which it totally is. I wonder if Wonder Woman ever gets tired of having to be the hero to battle anything mythological? It's as if her ultimate nemesis is a twelve year old boy with dozens of dice stuffed into a purple Crown Royal bag tied to his belt loop.

The Minocentaur reminds me that it's Thanksgiving and I'm all prepared for my annual Thanksgiving tradition which I've been partaking of whenever I could since I was just a small boy! I have a bag of nacho flavored chips, a can of bean dip, and two Ray Harryhausen movies saved to my DVR! When I was much younger and Thanksgiving took place at my grandparents' house just a few houses down from my mom's house, I used to walk over early and sit in the living room watching Jason and the Argonauts or The 7th Voyage of Sinbad while my grandmother cooked and family slowly trickled in. Thanks to the resurgence of broadcast television stations showing old television shows and movies, I now have both of those movies saved to my DVR and it's time to watch them while stuffing my face! That's what Thanksgiving means to me! I love you, Grandma and Grandpa even though you're just memories in my head! You were the best!

Wonder Woman goes meta for a bit and talks about comic book heroes and how the story is always about the heroes saving people who eventually turn on them like xenophobic, fearful rat bastards. But the heroes continue to save the worthless sputtering fools because that's what has to happen in a comic book or nobody is going to continue to buy them. At least not super hero comic books. There has to be a minimum amount of heroics and punching or a super hero comic book just becomes an indie comic book and then the writing has to be intelligent or nobody will buy it. At least with super hero comic books, the writing can be (and usually is!) complete shit and people are still willing to buy them because "LOOK AT DAVID FINCH'S ART OMG! I COULD MASTURBATE TO THESE WAY TOO YOUNG LOOKING WOMEN ALL DAY LONG!"

Speaking of masturbating! Here's Wonder Woman's naked boob! Sure, she's using it to feed a baby just like boobs are intended but look at it! It's naked!

The above scan is probably some kind profound commentary on life and death but I was too distracted by the nipple to form any coherent thoughts on the subject. Death. Life. Whatever.

Some of you might be wondering what else I'm going to eat on Thanksgiving besides chips and bean dip, right? So I'm cooking a Tofurkey loaf which will probably offend a lot of sensibilities but you shouldn't judge because look at what judging constantly has done for me! I'm just a bitter, cynical tofurkey eater. I will also be eating broccoli and waffle fries! I think the "Tofurkey Feast" also came with some brownies or something. Speaking of the "Tofurkey Feast," the package was a little bit depressing. It comes with some Tofurkey Jerky (god, I hate that I'm eating this product now!) that is stuck together to be used as a fake wishbone. The package tells the purchaser to "find a friend" to pull the jerky apart. It doesn't say "Grab a beloved family member and have fun!" No. It pretty much says, "Pause your Ray Harryhausen movie, leave your pathetically empty domicile in which you are planning to eat an entire Tofurkey Loaf all on your own, and hunt down a 'friend' so you can enjoy at least fifteen seconds of human warmth and compassion on this day! Enjoy!"

Wonder Woman heads back to her home in the Amazon because that's where Amazons should live! Not on some Greek island! It's right there in the name! Her child is named Jonathan because it's probably named after its grandfather. She also has a daughter named Lara who is named after a mermaid or maybe Superman's mom or something. What am I? A Superman scholar?! This is supposed to be a comic book about Batman!

Lara is currently bothering her father in his Fortress of Solitude because she doesn't know what words mean. It's not the Fortress of Drop In Anytime! Give the guy some privacy!

It's at this point in the comic book when I find a little surprise! It's a tiny Atom comic book inside a regular-sized Batman comic book! It's so adorable! Am I supposed to read it now?! I guess I should save it for my next commentary! Even though this is super adorable, don't think I'm not angry that I have yet another comic book to write about! More work?! Dammit! This is supposed to be America's favorite holiday! Right after the one where you get to blow stuff up and cause forest fires. I think that one's more popular although the food is way shittier. How can somebody love the 4th of July better than Thanksgiving when you're probably eating goddamn hot dogs and overly cooked Father burgers!? Gross!

Before continuing on reading this comic, I carefully remove The Atom comic book and then remove the little glue strips that helped hold it in place so that the tab it was stuck to doesn't stick to the facing page. Look at me! I'm a good comic book collector! I mean, I'm not a saint or anything. I don't use backing boards at all! Oh, shut up! You and your backing boards can go fuck a hobo! No offense, hobos.

INTERMISSION! For me, not for you. You can keep reading if you'd like but I'm going to go eat! Happy Thanksgiving! Even to y'all who aren't in America because remember that mist? Celebrate with us, dammit!

So, I was watching Gotham either last week or the week before (every episode just sort of washes into the other like water colors I'm pissing on) and Lee decided to tell Gordon how to ease into something. She uses juggling as an explanation. She explained that first you learn to juggle with two balls and then you add another. WRONG! Juggling two balls is completely different than juggling three balls! It's a completely different skill, you stupid whore! And I mean "whore" not as an insult (the stupid part was the insult) but as a mention of her previous character work on Firefly. Juggling an even amount of balls (or pins (or kittens)) is a completely different skill than juggling an odd number! Duh! Oh, I think that was a Fun Fact From A Twelve Year Old Boy! I think that needs a theme song.

Okay, now that I've eased myself back into the commentary after stuffing my face (just like going from two balls to three while juggling!), I'm ready to talk about Superman's role in Donkey Kong III: The Master Mario Kart.

His role is an ice cube maker.

While visiting her father and trying to work through some really serious Daddy Issues, Lara finds Kal's pet Kandorians starving in their jar. I was worry about pets whose owners die or disappear without anybody knowing that they should check on the pet and take care of it. It must be so lonely waiting for your monkey friend to come home and it never does. Then it must be really lonely and painful as the monkey friend with the helpful thumbs that can actually get at all of the food never bothers to return. Everybody who has pets should have a plan in place to take care of the pets should something devastating happen to them! Then I won't feel randomly sad when I think about it! Jerks.

I just finished watching Jessica Jones on Netflix and I was happy that they brought up the idea of everybody pleading not guilty by reason of mind control in every single court case that will ever happen until the end of time once mind control becomes a standard thing. I've only mentioned it about a dozen times during that Doomed Superman story arc as well as, I'm sure, multiple other places.

Back in Gotham, Batman beats up some more cops. That's what they get for chasing him! Haven't any of them been paying attention? He's better at police brutality than the police are! At least until one of them gets a lucky shot in that knocks Batman down so they can start beating the shit out of him with their batons. Please! As if Batman can be hurt by nightsticks! That's like spanking a fifteen year old! You're only punishing yourself because the fifteen year old isn't going to be hurt but they're certainly going to resent you! And have you ever lived in a house with a resentful teenager? I mean one that wasn't you? It's practically impossible!

The current commissioner arrives on the scene of the mass taste of their own medicine and manages to cuff Batman since he's exhausted, beaten, and probably shot in a couple of places. Like the side of the head and maybe an extremity and possibly the vagina.

Yes, this Batman has a vagina. It must be Carrie.

Before passing out, Carrie mentions that Bruce Wayne is dead. Ha ha!

DK III: The Master Race #1 Rating: I enjoyed this! It's like a comic book that's a comic book which means more than it sounds like it means! But I don't have to explain myself. I'm tired of everybody having to explain themselves! If only we had a way to silence the people who don't understand things so we can have discussions that don't need to constantly be footnoted and explained and aren't interrupted by morons Googling the definition of some not-even-obscure word you used! Whoops! I'm getting ranty for no reason! I meant to say that this comic book might be saying that women are the Master Race (even though that's not a race! Just stick with me on this!) since the Commissioner, Batman, Superman, and even Wonder Woman are all women in this comic book! Oh boy! I bet all of Frank Miller's misogynist fanboys (I like to use "fangender" but in this case I think it's safe to say "Frank Miller's fanboys!") have just lost their erections! I bet they were all "Womens?! In comic books?! Ptui! Where's all the beefcock?! I mean beefcake! I mean rugged, heroic white male role models?!" I suppose all the women in the comic book are white though so maybe everybody's first reaction to the title, "The Master Race", was spot on! This comic book may not be worth the six dollars it costs to every Batman fan but it was definitely worth the $4.50 that I paid for it! Local comic book store discounts for the win! Happy Thanksgiving, America and American-Mist-covered countries to boot!
<> Now stop being cheapskates and go participate in making me wealthy for writing comic book reviews! Go here and be joyous!