New Super-man #2

I'm glad Greg Rucka isn't in charge of the length of Chinese Wonder Woman's skirt!

The Review!
This is my favorite comic series of Rebirth so far. And I'm not just saying that this is the one I like best because it just happens to be somewhat better than the other ones. No. I like New Super-man in the way that I liked All Star Western and Demon Knights. It's fun and entertaining and smartly written and telling a cohesive narrative that has something to say. Isn't it crazy that all of those things can be done by a comic book? And I love that the hero is a big jerk that I'm totally falling in love with! It's like looking into a mirror and kissing that mirror and asking that mirror if it wants me to take down my underwear. So hot! Your mileage may vary though. Kenan loves to call people fat, so fat loser probably won't like this comic book. And Wonder-Woman is constantly calling Kenan a dummy, so big dopes will probably get angry about...no, you know what? The best part about being a big dope is that you don't know you're a dope! Stupid people are so cute how they don't know they're stupid and, in fact, actually think they're smart! Sometimes when I'm at the mall, I feel like I'm walking around inside a petting zoo. Sometimes I'll catch myself saying things like, "Aww! Look at that one try to eat ice cream!" Or, "Oh! That little one has little ones of her own that she can't control! How adorable!" And sometimes I'll catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and think, "Look at that one! It's the biggest idiot of them all!" Then I'll wave and when it waves back, I'll be startled, pretend I was waving at somebody inside the store, and go back to get another Hot Dog on a Stick.

The Commentary!
I remember reading last issue caused me to think, "This is the best Super-man I've ever read. Even if he has a dumb dash in his name. Why isn't regular Super-man this entertaining? Clark Kent may be a nice guy but he's got the personality of a wet blanket that isn't wet because a sexy lady just got out of the shower and laid down on it but because a toddler pissed all over it." Picking up this issue caused me to think, "I hope I wasn't imagining how much I liked Kenan Kong last issue! My life disappointment meter is about full and I don't want to find out what happens when it overflows." And then I read the first page of this issue and I thought, "Why can't I feel this happy all of the time?!"

The male gaze may be gross but it's an unstoppable force of nature! I bet even Chinese Bat-man was thinking it!

After the totally acceptable compliment to Wonder Woman, Super-man calls Bat-man fat. I guess this is the part of the comic book where he learns that you don't act like a sexist jerk to Wonder-Woman and you never insult Bat-man to his face. Life is just so much easier when you avoid those things.

Although Chinese Bat-man doesn't look anywhere near as fat as David did in his new Batwing suit the first year of The New 52.

You can't really tell in this picture but...yes. Yes he looked fat in it.

Wonder-Woman wraps Super-man up in her lasso and I think she hits on him! She says, "My lasso is like an extension of my own skin, dummy. It's always accurate." Is that a come on? I mean, aside from calling him a dummy! It sounds sexy to me! Maybe that's just my male listen! Is that the hearing equivalent to the male gaze?

Bat-man knocks Super-man out with his Bat-knockout-thing and he's finally subdued. Hopefully they have some kryptonite underwear to shove him in until he calms down. Although I hope he never calms down! I want him to be mean to everybody! I wonder if I can get him to meet my mom?

When Super-man comes around, Doctor Omen explains that he's now a part of The Justice League of China! Kenan isn't impressed especially since China already has a superhero group called The Great Ten. Although nobody was ever impressed by the name "The Great Ten" anyway. Kenan's powers have temporarily abandoned him and Doctor Omen wants him to hang around until they figure out what happened. Maybe he's just been out of the sun too long? Do they not know Superman gets his powers from the yellow sun? That wasn't meant to be racist! Hmm, it probably wasn't racist until I noted it wasn't meant to be racist!

Meanwhile, Kenan's dad and his reading group continue to betray China. It's hard to say whether that makes them the good guys or the bad guys!

Luckily for Kenan, his first mission that he's not supposed to go on but I'm sure they'll let him go anyway is against Sunbeam, a villain that uses weapons powered by the sun! They're going to discover the secret to charging Super-man's powers. Good thing they aren't battling The Kryptonite Cowboy!

I hope Bat-man really is fat and he's constantly wearing a girdle with abdomen muscles built in.

Super-man finagles his way onto the mission but Bat-man forces him to stay in the car. That probably means Sunbeam will escape outside and not notice Kenan at all and everybody will go home and the comic book will end anticlimactically. Or maybe Kenan will get shot by a sun gun!

But first, Kenan has to babysit a little girl rescued by Wonder-Woman from the scene. It's touching!

This is an example of terrific childcare, right?

Sunbeam exits the house with the little girl's mother as her hostage while Bat-man and Wonder-Woman fail to do anything useful. When Kenan sees Jenny, the little girl, sobbing in fear, he remembers the day he learned his mother died and things actually do get touching! Even though Kenan's visor is electrocuting his face as he leaves the Bat Utility Vehicle, he manages to save Jenny's mother. But that leaves himself open to be shot by Sunbeam! Oh no! He's going to die and not get his super powers back at all!

No wait! He doesn't die! He does get his powers back! What a surprising turn of events! Even more surprising is that Wonder-Woman thanks him and Bat-man begrudgingly gives him some respect. And then Chinese Lois Lane arrives! I mean, Laney Lan arrives and she just happens to be Chinese because this comic book takes place in China! Bat-man is all, "We have to disappear quickly when they avert their gaze!" And Wonder-Woman is all, "We do not talk to the media because they always ask things like 'What make-up do you like?' and 'Are you dating anybody?'" But Kenan Kong is all, "Laney! Laney! I have a big boner for you! It's me! Kenan Kong! China's Super-man!"

I don't think the Ministry of Self-Reliance wanted Kenan to show this much self-reliance! It might bring trouble! The kind of trouble book clubs are known for bringing!

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #2

I'd be pissed too if I'd been yanked out of my regular life to be written by Cullen Bunn.

The Review!
I'm not sure how I feel about this comic book. It's not bad and it very well may be good, actually. But I have no emotional investment in it. I also don't have any intellectual investment in it. I do happen to have a $2.99 investment in it which I think was probably a poor investment. One thing I find disappointing is that DC Comics keeps covering the same ground over and over again. Perhaps that's what their company-wide overhauls are all about. The New 52 alienated current fans so that DC could repeat the same old stories for five years without too many people noticing. And now with Rebirth, they get to repeat all of their stories again while painting them as something entirely new. But you can't fool me! I mean, you usually can fool me but sometimes, you totally can't! And this is one of those times! What makes DC think readers want to read yet another story about the Green Lantern Corps battling the Sinestro Corps? We've seen it! We've read it! Well, I mean, some people have read it! But I didn't read it the other times and I don't want to read it now! I'm already rereading the Death of Superman in Action Comics! And I think Tom King is sort of writing the Azrael story again in Batman except different somehow! And Wonder Woman! Christ! Wonder Woman is just reminding everybody that she has had a lot of stories and she's going to remember them all and figure out which ones are true! But while doing that, do I have to sit back and just reread all of her old stories?! Ugh! At least New Super-man is new! Chinese knock-offs are always quirky and entertaining!

The Commentary!
The Green Lantern Corps have returned to the regularly scheduled DC Universe. But in the process, they've lost 6801 members. What a disaster! I'm not sure, plot-wise, that needed to happen. What's the difference if I can't name 7185 Green Lanterns or 384 Green Lanterns?! It's still a non-zero number of Green Lanterns who will probably never appear on the page and who will never be introduced to the readers. It really doesn't make any difference at all!

Oh wait! I know what the difference probably is! It means their fight against the Sinestro Corps will be more difficult because the sizes of the armies are about equal now. Probably. How the hell should I know how many Yellow Lanterns there are?! I can barely remember the ones who have been named! Like Arkillo! And the gay samurai! And the one with three faces!

John Stewart doesn't want to risk any of the surviving Green Lanterns so he grounds them all on Mogo out in Space Sector Fuck If I Know. But since he doesn't give a shit about Guy--ormaybe he just trusts Guy more than the others?--John asks Guy to head out into the universe and see what's going on.

Meanwhile, Hal Jordan is embarrassing some Yellow Lanterns with his fists. Which, to be perfectly blunt, is total overkill because he already embarrassed them by causing them to shit their pants when they realized the great Hal Jordan was still alive. Fear Lanterns, my chocolate starfish! More like, um, Fearful Lanterns! Ha!

Can somebody knock Lyssa in the head so she forgets all about the Book of Parallax? I'm sick of prophecies steering the ship!

Sinestro, completely jacked up on Parallax Viagra, is ready to fuck the universe, completely and unforgivably! Other than that, I don't understand what his plans are to keep the universe ordered. As long as nobody says he's not the guy keeping order, are things okay? Can people do whatever they want as long as it isn't done in a chaotic manner? Like, they can shuffle some cards even though that's random and chaotic but at least it's an orderly way of creating chaos. But if they were to fling the cards all over the room, would that be frowned upon? Or would Sinestro not care as long as they shouted, "Srrsstrrr rrs rrrsssm!¹" I might get some of my questions answered in the next scene since Sinestro is going to have to calm Soranik down and get her back on his side.

Soranik isn't too concerned about the hows and whys of controlling the universe. She just wants to know why Sinestro allowed her to think he was impotent when he knew he could pop a Parallax and be strong and vigorous again. I think we all know the answer to that question, don't we? If you've been paying attention at all, you know Sinestro manipulated Soranik to help get what he wanted by playing on her Daddy Issues.

Whoa. According to this sound effect, quite severe Daddy Issues.

Sinestro doesn't have much time to gloat over how he completely betrayed his daughter's trust because he is interrupted by a message from one of his Corps Members that Hal Jordan is still alive. I'm taken completely by surprise that he doesn't call Hal his "greatest friend and worst enemy!" He does seem a bit scared that Hal Jordan suddenly appeared as a Green Lantern. It must suck to have goals and dreams but to constantly have them crushed by the same person over and over and over again. Sinestro is like that creature, Agrajag, Arthur Dent kept killing in every one of the creature's lives². Although maybe it's actually a blessing? What I wouldn't give to be able to point to some specific thing or person besides myself that has kept me from succeeding at anything. Sinestro is so lucky to have Hal.

The issue ends with Hal running into more Yellow Lanterns as they kidnap people from one of the planets they're supposed to be protecting. I guess it's how they feed the Fear Machine, whatever that is. Maybe it's just a euphemism for Sinesro's power³.
_____________________________________________
¹That's "Sinestro is awesome" with a Parallax in your mouth.
²At least up until their encounter at Stavro Mueller's Beta.
³"Sinestro's power" is a euphemism for Parallax⁴.
⁴"Parallax" is a euphemism for Sinestro's penis.

Action Comics #961

Since I called the Superwoman comic book "Superwomans", does that mean I should be calling this "Actions Comics"?

The Review!
This issue is terrible. I say that because Doomsday is boring as fuck and Superman is an idiot. He can't think of one way to deal with Doomsday that doesn't involve punching Doomsday in the face one thousand times until he dies? And the "he" in that previous sentence was a pronoun substitution for Superman. It might be time for DC Comics to kill Doomsday once and for all. Doomsday must be the character approximation of DC Comics getting its prostate massaged. What I mean is that I think they're the only ones getting any pleasure out of this character. Apparently a writer who doesn't have any better ideas can just look at their editor and ask, "Doomsday?" Then after everybody comes in their pants and smokes a cigarette, the editor is all, "Yeah, yeah. Definitely!" Meanwhile DC's audience just yawns as they watch the finger get shoved way in and wriggle around a bit. Watching prostate stimulation doesn't really make for good porn. Doomsday is a really weird choice as their go-to monster when they need an unstoppable force which is too bad because Doomsday has no personality at all. Have they ever tried Gray Hulking Doomsday? Maybe give him a neckbeard and a Fedora and have him act like the smartest guy in the room? I think DC should try that next time! Or, you know, my first suggestion. Just fucking kill him.

The Commentary!
I wonder if Clark and Lois are sorry for having a child yet. They're almost certainly sorry for coming out of hiding because since then, Jon has been targeted by both Eradicator and Doomsday. Also he killed their cat and got their dog killed. He's a little troublemaker.

You might remember that this comic book has been all about battling Doomsday again. Look, DC Comics. I get it. Doomsday killed Superman once so you think he deserves some kind of trophy in the Super Villain Hall of Fame. But he's just not interesting. He beats stuff until it breaks. That's it. I don't care that he has a bio-babble evolutionary background that Dan Jurgens thinks is the smartest origin ever written. It's terrible! Nothing about Doomsday is cool except maybe the way he looks. Except for those green shorts. Does he have to keep the shorts? He'd be cooler swinging around a big pronged dick, don'tcha think? I could understand why you'd want to keep bringing him back if he was missing the shorts but it boggle my mind that he's your go-to character for a big, tense action story. Here's an idea: create some new characters! I guarantee at least half of them will be better than Doomsday.

Currently Doomsday is trying to beat Superman's son until he breaks. But Superman and Wonder Woman will die before that happens. Which, according to how powerful Doomsday supposedly is, should be the statement I make at the end of this fight. Superman and Wonder Woman died before Superman's son was beaten until he broke. If that happened, I'd be impressed! Or at least astounded! Because one thing everybody knows while reading this is that Doomsday is not going to kill Superman again. The audience understands how comic books work and so know that it won't happen on that level alone. But remember when Superman died last time? It was a huge news story! Everybody knew Superman was going to die and in what issue. So if that were going to happen again, we'd already know about it.

Although Damian's death somehow took a lot of people by surprise, didn't it? Oh no! Maybe Superman is going to die!

If Superman thinks the way to defeat Doomsday is the way he tried last time, Superman is in trouble.

Superman continues to not use his brains to defeat Doomsday. He even decides using his brains less and less as the fight goes on is the best course of action. So while he's getting his ass kicked even with Wonder Woman's help, Superman sends Wonder Woman away with his family. He also says there's no time to get the Justice League involved. I'm fairly certain The Flash can be there in two shakes of a lamb's tail. Oh! That should be August Heart's name: Two Shakes of a Lamb's Tail. Although I guess he already went with Godspeed.

Meanwhile, Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias) is scheming some scheme about opening a gate. It's either part of his plot against the DC Universe or he's having trouble with his dog getting out of his yard.

Superman finally decides it's time to make a plan!

Weird. He's saying he's doing things different but this still looks a whole lot like punching.

Superman is the worst at plans and realizes he's going to be killed yet again. But then Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias)'s army of Big O's come flying in to save the day! They have weapons that easily control Doomsday (or maybe not so easily but, I mean, they're in one panel and they've pretty much got things under control) and begin shoving him toward some gate. I guess Superman failed the test, whatever it was.

Detective Comics #938

"Batman With Two Nobodies", Rafael Albuquerque. 2016.

The Review!
This feels like the usual Detective Comics that I've grown to not read for the last thirty years. It just never did it for me and I only picked it up if a story featured a villain I particularly liked. But I guess right now, it's the only comic book on the shelves that has Stephanie Brown fucking Tim Drake. Not in as much detail as the thousands of pages of fanfic you can find online. And not nearly as creepy or horrible as the written sex scenes in people's role play blogs. I shouldn't judge! I'm fairly certain I once masturbated to the Land O'Lakes butter logo. And not after somebody had turned her knees into tits. Just to the regular logo. It was easier than you might think because I was really turned on by that dirty whore Mrs. Butterworth watching.

Now I'm hungry for waffles!

The Commentary!
Here's all I've learned about writing on the Internet for twenty years: a facetious, whimsical person on the internet is exactly like being a known pedophile in prison. I mean, I haven't been shivved in the shower and kicked until all my ribs were broken before having my skull fractured by a club made out of the metal edge of a cot. But metaphorically, I've experienced it! Maybe I'm being too facetious and whimsical in my hyperbole by choosing that metaphor! Maybe it's a little more like poking a wasp's net with a tape recorder that says "Cassandra Cain and Stephanie Brown are nobodies!" until I'm covered in wasps that can't actually sting but can manage to vocalize the phrase "Kill yourself!" It's my own fault, really! I should know that having a silly laugh over the status of a fictional character is apparently equitable to telling a real life person to end their existence. It's completely deserved! I mean, I could have not captioned the cover the way I did! I had that choice! And by choosing to crack myself up and go with that caption, I must be choosing to be inundated with vitriol and hate! Logic!

No, seriously! That wasn't sarcastic! I totally get the logic of the Internet. No matter what my intent in writing this, or who I might imagine I'm speaking to (generally nobody in particular, but quite often to Doom Bunny because he's the one I've been trying to make laugh since the beginning (even if he rarely reads the blog anymore because he has kids and drinks)), choosing to put it on the Internet turns it into a dialogue. It's a weird kind of dialogue though because I'm an individual speaking in general terms about things I might feel or, as in most cases, don't feel but find funny for some reason or another. But individuals reading something I've written see themselves as the target audience and can be personally offended by something I've written. Obviously it's not personal because I wasn't directing anything at them. But this is how things works. And when they respond, it's absolutely personal because they know they are responding to an individual. So when I say "All dog owners can go jump in a lake!", a dog owner reading this might respond with "Oh yeah, Tess? Why don't YOU go jump in a lake!" See how it works? My statement wasn't a personal attack on any individual dog owner. It was just a general statement caused by something I may have been feeling earlier, like fear when a big ass growling dog came running up to me and the owner was yelling, "Don't worry! He doesn't bite!" You know who I know won't bite me? A fucking dog in your control on a leash not able to get anywhere near me, you asshole. So now I've expressed something to the world in general terms but which certain individuals might consider is directed at them. Like, you know, people who own dogs. But when they tell me to jump in a lake, that's hurtful! Because it's a personal expression of animosity toward an individual! So cruel!

Although if you do take offense at my statement even after the explanation of why I think dog owners should jump in a lake then maybe it is directed at you because you're being awfully defensive. Are you the type of asshole that lets their dog run around off-leash and then half-heartedly calls it's name when it runs off to bug a stranger? So, in a way, when you lash back out at me, I just sit back and smile and think, "Oh look! I just said somebody was an asshole for doing a certain thing and you were upset by that. Which means you must do that thing and, therefore, are an asshole!" Logic!

Although what I'm really trying to say is don't be mean to me no matter how mean I am to anybody else because I can't take it and will probably abandon this blog completely at the first sign of animosity and hate.

So, um, anyway, I think I'll get my tender feelings under control and begin reading this comic book that totally won't make me cry because every time Spoiler is on-panel, I won't be sobbing, "I'm sorry I called you a nobody! Nobody deserves to be called a nobody! Logic!"

Last issue ended during the present so this one, obviously, begins many years ago. Jacob Kane gets some good news and bad news. The good news is he'll be taking on more responsibility in the military by being part of the secret military! The bad news is that he'll never again be promoted or have a raise or any public acknowledgment that he's doing anything except languishing at the rank of Colonel. So everybody in his life is going to think he's a lazy, unambitious good-for-nothing waste of space. Congratulations!

Man, I never needed some authority figure to tell me to be those things! I'm doing them all on my own!

Actually, Jacob Kane learns about The Court of Owls years before Batman does, and also the League of Shadows (who are just the Court of Owls but more dangerous and less into birds).

Also many years ago, Kate Kane promises her father, while standing on her mother's grave, to be a part of her father's team.

Now it's the present and Kate is stomping all over her promise to her father and her father's heart and pissing all over Gabrielle Kane's grave. Metaphorically, of course! I think you need higher than a Teen Plus Rating to show a female peeing on a grave. Although I know you can get away with a guy peeing in a Teen Comic but it must be in an alley with a little blue man watching. So sexist!

Batman was about to get his head blown off at the end of the last issue but Kate and the Batkids saved his ass. Now they're battling the entire Army of Batmen for some reason. Can't they just send a cease and desist? Just threaten Colonel Kane with legal action. That would actually be the best because then Batman could have all of the Wayne and Kane money!

During the escape, Tim Drake runs into Odysseus so they can measure brains. They're both completely unrealistic brains so it's hard to determine which one is bigger. Basically either smarty-pants can do whatever they need to do with electronics or machines, so I think it's a tie. Odysseus escapes by dropping through a concealed trapdoor, exactly the same fashion Kate and the Bat-kids escaped the attack on their base. Does that mean they're exactly the same amount of smart or does that mean Tim loses because he should have seen that coming? I think Tim loses but then I just want to think of Tim as a loser. He's not that smart! And I'm not that envious!

Anyway, Batman, Kate, and the Bat-kids escape, of course. Cassandra does some genius ass kicking, Spoiler does some genius thing to save Red Robin, Red Robin does some genius thing to save them all, Clayface somehow makes more mass than he actually has, and Kate tells her dad to fuck off. I don't think Batman did anything. He was the princess being rescued in this story.

Before escaping, Batman learned that Colonel Kane's Army of Batmen was created to wipe out members of the League of Shadows and that Colonel Kane was operating without the government's knowledge. Well, maybe the government that is thirteen levels of security higher than the regular government knew. But Batman is certain the League of Shadows is a myth and that Kane is going to kill a bunch of innocent people. But how is Batman so sure? He was also fairly certain the Court of Owls wasn't real too! So he's kind of on a 100% never being right about secret societies streak.

Odysseus has built some drones that are mostly machine guns and they're going to go kill all of the suspected terrorists next issue. Hopefully Batman can throw enough batarangs to stop them all. Or maybe he'll just remember The Flash's phone number and ask for a favor.

Superwomans #1

Superwomans?

The Review!
This comic book has a lot of words and panels in it! You can tell Phil Jimenez is an old school comic book guy by the density of the story in this thing. I mean, he's not that old school! He's really pretty much a young pup since he was born in 1970! That's still a kid! Not as young and sexy and virile as somebody born in 1971, of course! But he's definitely of an age that read comic books written by guys who must have been making about a quarter of a cent per word based on the amount of shit they stuffed into a book. Nowadays most writers make about $100 per word! Some make even more by just filling the comic book with sound effects and forcing the artists and letterers to come up with most of the script! I haven't done an average panels per page count since the first year of The New 52 but this one deserves a look. It's just about an average of ten panels per page! And that's with two pages counting as one panel early on. This thing is packed with a lot of story about women doing the work that needs to be done while a man waves his giant Battlepenis in the faces of the media. I enjoyed it but I still think DC should have gone with the title, "Superwomans, Superman's Ex-Girlfriends".

The Commentary!
The last time I bought a comic book with a Superwoman in it that was not Superwoman from Earth-3's Crime Syndicate was a DC Comics Presents Annual. I think I have two copies of it because my mom also got me a copy for Christmas one year. I read all of my DC Comics Presents comic books a few years ago but I don't remember what happened with Superwoman! I think I might actually have forgotten to read it! I remember she was bald and that's about it. But then, I can hardly remember the story to any of the hundred or so issues of DC Comics Presents I read. I remember The Flash and Superman raced each other in one and discovered that aliens somehow barnstormed Earth with their semen to create human beings. And in one, Swamp Thing had to help cure Superman by cradling his head in his lap. I'm not surprised I don't remember many of the stories because they were all pretty terrible. It's a good thing Superwomans doesn't have any actual connection to the DC Comics of the late seventies and early eighties when DC had mostly given up on quality.

The issue begins with Lois Lane showing off to Lana Lang by holding a tractor over her head. This is the part of the story where everybody who doesn't read the solicits (you know, just me, I think) says, "What the fuck is going on here?! I thought Superwoman was going to be the new Superman of Paris or another sexy country like, um, Iceland? But instead it's Lois Lane?! How the hell did she get powers? Did she report on a nuclear power plant melting down and decided to sneak in to get the scoop and got super powers instead?!" This is also the part of the story where everybody who reads the solicits probably isn't reading this part of the story because they get all of their information about comic books second hand but then pretend like they've read them. Just like everybody who reads reviews of movies simply so they can discuss some other person's opinion of the movie instead of forming their own opinion. Most of those people don't even realize how much of their opinion has already been formed by the ongoing conversation before they see the movie or read the book. I see that kind of nonsense constantly online. People parroting other people's opinions just so they feel like they're engaging in the conversation. I suppose it's also kind of a safety net so when somebody tells them they thought the opposite, they can say, "Oh, well, that was just what I heard." No commitment to the thought! But then that's the cell phone connected society we live in, I guess. Everybody feels they need to have an opinion on everything, even if they have no experience of that thing. Which is why I'm going to read this comic book before I come to the conclusion that it's feminist propaganda meant to normalize the role of women as the main characters in comic books! I mean, what's next? Supercat? Superhorse? Supermonkey! Hmm, I hope so!

This issue is called "Who is Superwoman?" but I think that's rhetorical because page one already explained that it was Lois Lane. I think we're supposed to wonder how this happened. Which is good because I'm totally wondering that!

Oh hai, Bethany!

What does that reporter mean by "and then some"?! Is he suggesting Superwoman is better than Superman?! I knew it! The feminist agenda is to make women better than men! I'm outraged! Except I have to admit that most of the women I know are far better at conducting their lives than I am. I would probably be homeless and living in a Volkswagen van if it wasn't for the Non-Certified Spouse not wanting to see me forget to eat and die distracted in the streets. I'm not saying she's taken over the role of mother in my life! That's gross! I'm saying she's taken over the role of Social Welfare Agent who is also a part-time Zookeeper. Sure, I have my own business and we've had a good life for quite a while now because of it. I'm not saying I've taken over the role of father in her life! That's gross! I'm just pointing out that I probably wouldn't have this business if I was the only person I needed to worry about taking care of. I'm really not that worried about myself! I think I would have done pretty well in that Volkswagen.

Oh! I just realize that sexist reporter's "and then some" might have been a comment on her breasts! For shame! What a pig!

Lana Lang has taken a job as a reporter for The Daily Star. That means Bethany Snow is her coworker, that vile bitch! Sorry, sorry! I'm still so angry at her betrayal of the Teen Titans at the hands of Brother Blood. No wait! I like Brother Blood better than the Teen Titans! Bethany was on my side! Go Bethany! Sorry about the vile bitch comment. I actually, um, meant it positively! Vile bitches get shit done!

I wonder if Lana Lang is going to get super powers soon? It seems everybody with the double L initials is getting them. Lex Luthor. Lois Lane. The firewoman whose name I can't remember! Lana's already a genius just like every other character in DC Comics. It sure would be nice to have some regularly intelligent people in this universe. Maybe even some stupid ones. Can we bring Dumb Bunny back?

Lex has created a giant penis he calls the Gestalt which will sit in Metropolis Harbor being the envy of everybody who sees it. Especially me! I mean, especially super villains! They take this opportunity to cause trouble by shutting down Lex's armor (so he's just like Gordon in the Bunny Armor, is he? Whenever the writer wants, they can just shut down his armor and he's helpless!) and sending the Gestalt toward the edge of the harbor where it will probably crash and kill scads and scads of people. Although some of those people might enjoy getting crushed under the weight of Lex's Gestalt.

Oh yeah! I completely forgot this was a Superwoman comic book.

The ship is too much for Superwoman to handle so she tells Lana she needs her help. What the hell can Lana do? It's not like she has super powers too! I mean, right? She doesn't, does she? Oh man. She does! Apparently she and Lois got powers when Superman when nova around them when he apparently died. Since Supergirl is already taken, I guess Lana is going to have to be Supertramp! I mean Superlady! Oh! Except she's also just Superwoman! So the title really is Superwomans! That's just...dumb.

I guess if you're a journalist or reporter in Metropolis, you also get to be a superhero. Although it's much easier for a print journalist to write all about their own exploits. How is Lana supposed to report on her exploits at the scene? She's going to be a huge failure!

The Superwomans save the day in a totally impossible way so it's a good thing Lana says, "This should never have worked. It totally defies the laws of physics." No wait. Actually she should have just never said that! She should have said, "Our asses make great shock absorbers!" And Lois could have been, "I can't believe that twerked!" And then they could have made out.

Lois and Lana decide to become a Super-Squad of Superwomans! They'll not only control the skies but the media response to the women controlling the Metropolis skyline! But then Lex owns The Daily Planet, so he might just fire Lois Lane if she writes too many Superwomans articles and not enough Superman (Lex Luthor Style) articles.

Oh! Apparently the danger on the ship isn't over yet! Whatever caused the ship to go out of control has actually breached it and is still aboard! The Superwomans decide to investigate. I hope they eventually get comfortable enough to call in Batwoman for help! Too bad they don't currently know her number because she could have helped against the creature they wind up fighting. It turns out the creature was aboard the ship all along and is just another Lex Luthor Bizarro experiment. But since this is Superwomans, the Bizarro is female! And she turns Lois to stone! Or sand! Or salt. Something. Right before Lois "dies," she says, "Clark? Oh god. I understand now. It all makes se...". Then she goes semi-nova and winds up as grit. Bizarroness looks just as confused as Lana when the scene ends.

Next issue: Who killed Superwoman? I think that's a trick question! Lois probably isn't dead. Probably. It's just a hunch I have.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #1

Basically, Artemis will probably act exactly like Starfire and Bizarro will act like Arsenal but with better grammar.

The Review!
I feel relieved. This comic book isn't as bad as every other comic book series Scott Lobdell has begun but I see all the frayed threads of warning that this will become the train wreck everybody expected. I think that's why the issue ends in a train wreck. It's a prophetic warning! But until then, fans of Red Hood will probably be happy with this issue. At least I think they will. I have no idea what Red Hood fans actually want. I suppose some of them want somebody other than Scott Lobdell writing him. But there seem to be a minority group who think Lobdell writes a great Red Hood. I wonder if we could gather up those people and do a scientific study to determine what is wrong with their brains? I feel like maybe I could replicate what they're seeing in Scott Lobdell's Red Hood if I chose to jerk off while reading the comic book. Then I'd at least have the ecstatic feeling of impending sexual release while reading the story and understand what they feel. But I don't dare try it because who needs to suddenly associate orgasms with Scott Lobdell's writing. I'd never have sex with myself again!

The Commentary!
I don't think Scott Lobdell has the chops to pull off this book (or any book, really). Rebirth was fine because it probably had so much editorial control over it that it could argued that Lobdell didn't have much to do with it. Editors are usually the worst because they want to be writers so badly that they'll tell writers we're not as good as we actually are. They'll be all, "Grunion Guy. None of these sentences make much sense. I think I get the gist of what you're trying to say but it's confusing and muddled. Clean it up." Then I'll say, "Who's paying who, buddy?! Just do your job and tell me if I spelled something incorrectly!" Then my editor will sigh and be all, "Most of these words are spelled incorrectly." Then I'll blow up at my editor and yell, "ARTISTIC LICENSE!" So, don't tell me I don't know a little bit about usurpers. I mean editors.

I forget what I was trying to say in the last paragraph. I wish my editor hadn't quit!

When Lobdell begins a comic book, I try to suppress my reaction (which is 85% gag reflex) and try to imagine I'm a fan of Red Hood and/or Scott Lobdell. But I never know how because it's hard to put myself in the shoes of total morons.

Am I supposed to cheer when I see this? Laugh uproariously? Feel aroused? Or is my reaction the proper one: rolling my eyes so aggressively that my eye muscles cramp and thinking, "I was just saying to a bunch of other super nerdy comic book guys the other day, 'You know who needs Rebirthing?! FAY GUNN!' And they were all, 'Genius!'"?

Ma Gunn's School for Wayward Boys! Fay Gunn is an important figure in the history of Jason Todd so I shouldn't be surprised to see her in the first issue. What I also shouldn't be surprised by is that this opening image was definitely sourced from her Who's Who entry in the 1987 Who's Who Update. It even has the pull down gun reference shade!

See, years ago, Batman was all, "What do I do with this kid who thinks stealing hubcaps is fun? I know! Fay Gunn has a school to help set boys on the right track! I should be suspicious of her because she's Australian but I don't want to have to deal with another teenager in the Batcave!" But then Jason Todd found out most of the lessons were word problems about how many bills can fit in a sack with a dollar sign on it, or how many cops you can potentially kill with one pistol clip, and he snitched to Batman. That's probably what this flashback is going to reveal, right?

Ma Gunn is shooting Batman in the chest and not one of her boys. I suppose in this day and age, the villain has to engage in the physical confrontation themselves but Ma Gunn is a teacher, not a fighter! She should have Batman swarmed by her students! Although I guess she is the gun expert, so why not shoot the shit out of Batman? It's a good thing the story started at this point so I don't have to roll my eyes over how Ma Gunn got the drop on Batman, especially since my eyes still hurt from the first eye roll.

Ha ha! Instead of giving her a distinct personality, Lobdell chooses to make her aware of her roll as a villain and a fan of Tim Burton's Batman! So funny!

Ma Gunn did send her crime kids after Batman and he dutifully beat the shit out of every one of them. That's why he now needs to be taught a lesson...in crime! But Jason Todd saves the day by tackling the old lady through a window. It's okay if she breaks all of her hips and dies from future complications because she's a bad guy.

The scene shifts to the present where Red Hood is diving away from an explosion with Ma Gunn in his hands. Okay, so I guess she didn't die from complications arising from having all of her hips broken. Or maybe Jason Todd is just rescuing the stuffed corpse of Ma Gunn that's kept on display at her new and improved School for Wayward Boys. You know, for nostalgic reasons.

Jason Todd uses his Narration Boxing to catch up all of the readers who did not pick up Rebirth because it probably sold out so quickly. I need to figure out an algorithm for how many Red Hood issues I actually need to purchase to follow the entire story. Would every other one do because Lobdell usually spends three or four pages explaining everything that happened in the previous issue? Or could I maybe get by with only every third issue?

Jason Todd is investigating a thing that happened in Rebirth. He's doing it by going undercover as a bad guy which was totally hard to do because most of the heroes were all, "What? Not Red Hood! He'd never walk the other side of the line! If by other side I mean the law side so yeah, I meant I believe he's a dick. Sorry for the confusion." And all of the villains were all, "That hero who murders us all constantly! Sure! Why not embrace him as one of us! Cool!" Jason saved Ma Gunn not because he has fond memories of her but because she has information he needs. Information about The Black Mask!

I know it's Rebirth but didn't we have all we could stand of Black Mask already? I don't see what makes him so captivating a villain. Is it because you don't know if he's going to shoot you or tie you up and stick a billy club in your ass?

Just in case you had any doubts that Black Mask's mask wasn't some kind of sexual fetish, let the zippered mouth oliterate them.

I suppose Scott Lobdell chose the Black Mask as the enemy because he and Jason Todd have so much in common. They're names are practically identical in that they share the same pattern: color and type of covering for the face and head. Maybe they can sing some Les Mis in the climactic battle! "Red! The color of my hood! Black! The color of my mask! Red! Blood leaking from my ass! Black! Sodomy feels so good!"

Black Mask has decided being a Batman villain wasn't good enough. He has decided to go all in on being a Scooby Doo villain. He's got the mask and now he's stealing real estate via the tactic of fear. Plus he's taking out Ma Gunn early so that his plans won't be ruined by any pesky kids.

Jason Todd wants to kill the Black Mask because that's Jason's usual solution to problems. "What? There's a criminal in Gotham doing criminal stuff? And a criminal told me they were going to do even more criminally criminal stuff! Boy oh boy! That means I should do the ultimate criminally criminal crime on them! That'll show them!" But instead, he's all, "Stupid Bruce made me promise not to kill anybody. He never lets me have any fun. He's worse than Ma Gunn!"

So now Jason Todd has to figure out another way to stop Black Mask. Like maybe find evidence that he was behind the bombing, give it to the police, and let the police and District Attorney deal with it? I mean, as long as the crazy District Attorney isn't on the case. And as long as he gives it to one of the five Gotham cops that aren't dirty. And as long as he makes sure Blackgate's guards aren't going to help Roman escape. And as long as...you know what? Fuck Bruce. Just kill the asshole.

This is the most disturbing image in the book.

I can't stand messy food. I mean, I'll eat messy food. But I eat it carefully and with a lot of napkins to wipe my lips and hands after every bite. But this carefree attitude some people have where they make a huge mess while eating? It drives me crazy. I hate Carls Jr commercials as much as the next feminist. Although I don't really care that they're making immature jokes about lesbian three way fist merry go rounds. I just can't stand that they always have shit dripping out of the burger being eaten. Be more careful! Don't you care about staining your clothes?! Don't you care about having sauce smeared all over your face and vagina?!

What's odd is that this aversion to mess doesn't extend to anything other than food. I will lay in the mess of sex and just roll over and go to sleep. Maybe I need Batman to kidnap me and take me back to my childhood home so I can confront my issue with messy food!

Jason Todd remembers some spectacular advice Batman once gave him about crime fighting: "It isn't enough to know your enemy. You have to know everything about them." Um. Hunh? You just said it wasn't enough to know your enemy! Why would you then tell me to know my enemy?! Give me some advice that takes a turn if you're going to start "It isn't enough," you ass-bat. Maybe he meant "know" in the Biblical sense. That's why he not only fucks Catwoman but he constantly gaslights her too! "It isn't enough to just fuck your enemy! You have to know how to totally fuck your enemy!" Hmm, this advice stuff is hard!

Red Hood decides to have a chat with Black Mask. Although I don't think he knows the dictionary definition of chat because it usually doesn't involve falling on one's head onto the hood of a moving car while emptying two pistols worth of bullets into guys with masks specifically designed to stick penises in.

This would be an exciting dictionary entry though, wouldn't it?

Black Mask's reaction to Todd's attack is to applaud and come in his pants. I think he wants to hire him!

Black Mask takes Red Hood out onto a ledge of a building to talk about his past relationships. He's all, "You might not realize it by the mask, but I have challenges concerning intimacy! That's why I fuck Gotham! I fuck her hard! In every dark corner! In every abandoned building! In every children's theater! I'll be there! Fucking and fucking until I'm totally disgusted with myself. It's probably why Batman doesn't like me. Because I bitch slap his woman on a nightly basis and call her a whore. That's the way she wants to be treated, and I'm the man to treat her that way! None of this slow caressing like The Penguin, or the intellectual thrill of The Riddler, or the hot, passionate quick fuck on a level surface before the apartment door can even shut of The Joker! No, Gotham likes it rough. That's why...you did get that's what the mask is about, right?"

Oh, Black Mask actually does point out the way other villains have treated her. It's not as accurate or entertaining as mine since Black Mask kind of slips away from his relationship metaphor. Unless what he means to say about Bane treating Gotham like a never-ending boxing match is that he's an abusive boyfriend. I suppose that's possible. This whole treating Gotham thing like a lover was what Scott Snyder used to make the Court of Owls so devastating to Batman. Batman hated the idea that somebody out there knew his lover more intimately than he did. I'm not suggesting Lobdell stole that theme for his Black Mask story! I'm just saying it's been done recently (and probably before that. I bet Alan Grant wrote a Zsasz story with that theme. I also won't bring up that the whole Red Hood undercover thing was taken from Grayson because that would be too much mayonnaise.

Oh, go on the date. At least five people are clamoring for a bisexual latino Jason Todd! And who better to write that than Scott Lobd...no wait. I just heard in my head what I was typing. Bad idea.

Sure, Black Mask! This makes sense! Why not take on a Bat-kid as your criminal heir! Hiring from outside the company never pissed off any of the people working their way up from the bottom before. I'm sure they'll all be totally cool with it. Especially since you headhunted a guy with a Bat-symbol on his chest. What could go wrong?! He may constantly be working for justice but did you see the footage where he shot the mayor in the head? He tried to kill one supposed good guy so I guess he can be trusted. Although how good really is the mayor of Gotham? I mean, if it was Hady, he fucking deserved it.

Black Mask puts Red Hood through a test. He asks him to kill some henchmen who failed him and Red Hood refuses. So Black Mask kills them anyway. Christ. Why would anybody be a henchman for Black Mask? Not only does he hire outside the company for the top positions, he kills you if you make a mistake! He must give great dental. If you know what I mean!

Red Hood fails the test by refusing to kill the henchmen. But it turns out failing the test is passing the test because Black Mask likes an employee who has a moral code! In other words, if the henchmen Black Mask just killed had said they refused to kill Ma Gunn due to their beliefs, Black Mask wouldn't have killed them? That doesn't seem right.

Red Hood's first job is to retrieve something from a train entering Gotham. But he can't go about it the normal way by picking it up when the train arrives at the station. No, he has to derail the train and take it from the crashed cars. Too bad Black Mask didn't tell him he would be picking up an Amazon. I mean, he could have hurt her in the train derailment! I think. Can Amazons get hurt? Anyway, her name is Artemis and she carries an axe so big that manga characters think it's ridiculous. I guess next issue Todd will fight her.

All Star Batman #1

Which Batman were you expecting?

The Review!
This book seems like it'll be fun. Even though the basic premise that I have to buy to really get into the story is this: Harvey Dent somehow magically knows everything about everybody ever and can reveal it in such a way that it isn't just white noise when it's let loose into the world! I suppose I don't totally have to buy into that premise. I just have to buy into the premise that everybody in Gotham buys into the premise and that they all have dirty secrets that they've idiotically not completely kept to themselves! Such amateurs! When you have dirty secrets, you don't tell them to anybody! I mean, sometimes you can tell them on your blog but then you also have to say a lot of things that are complete fabrications to hide the truths amid the lies! That works really well! I know because a friend of a friend who has this really awesome comic book blog that everybody should be reading told me how it works really well! Was that clear enough so that you know I'm talking about my blog? I mean, I wanted to be subtle about it but then I realized if you didn't get I was talking about my blog, you might think there's actually another comic book blog out there that's better than this blog and I couldn't leave you thinking that! Although I bet those guys at the Weird Science Blog have some really disgusting secrets! I bet they shave kittens and rub them on their testicles. They're so gross!

The Commentary!
My cousin messaged me on the day this came out and asked, "All Star Batman? Yes or no?" I said, "Yes, I suppose. I'm pro Snyder but not so hot on Romita." He told me that was almost word for word what the clerk at his comic book store told him. So I guess I'm not as avant-garde a thinker as I thought I was. I'm just as intelligent as a jerk selling comic books to other jerks. But, in all sincerity (and I'm rarely sincere so listen closely! Or read closely. Whatever. You understood!), how did John Romita Jr. get the job on All Star Batman? During the John Romita Jr. Variant Covers month, he drew Batman wielding a gun. If there's one absolute no-no of a way to fuck up a portrait of Batman, that would be it! And now on the cover of this issue, he's drawn Batman with some kind of gigantic bottle opener batarang that might also be some kind of bear trap? You'll have to look at your own copy of this comic book because I scanned the Adam West Variant Cover.

"Hoo hoo hey! I was drawn by a professional!"

The poor guy with the red wall eyes is the owner of a truck stop diner that's about to get smashed to bits by Batman's face. Killer Moth and Firefly (two bug-type criminals because the waitress was talking about how big the bugs are getting and then...ha ha! Get it!) throw Batman through the window and into the jukebox. I think it's a jukebox. It's a pretty big fucking jukebox. But it has all the hallmarks of a jukebox. I think. Anyway, Batman's face smashes straight through it because somehow Killer Moth and Firefly got the drop on Batman. I don't really need to know how. I don't need a "24 hours earlier" bit on the next page and I have a feeling Snyder won't do that to the reader. This is All Star Batman! None of those gimmicks for this periodical! This is all action and poorly rendered jukeboxes and diner chefs!

Firefly and Killer Moth want some information from Batman. They threaten to kill everybody in the diner if Batman doesn't give up what he knows. I have a feeling Batman isn't going to give them the answer they want. Unless what they're looking for are his Batarangs! He'll show them exactly where those are and in what orifices they uncomfortably fit!

Batman spits out a few teeth and a half gallon of blood so he can say, "Remain calm, everybody! I have this handled! Did I say clam? I meant calm if I said clam. I don't think I said clam but I don't want anybody to be confused. Remain clam. I mean calm!" Then he creepily winks at everybody while the comic book explains he's Batman: most wanted man in the state. Oh my! I wonder what that's about! So exciting!

Actually, their only job is to fuck, shut up, and die! So, maybe go with another bon mot unless you're ready to carry through with an anal raping in front of the diner patrons. You know, to be technically correct and all. Just actuallying!

"Just actuallying!" is what nerds should start saying instead of "Just saying!" Because they're never just saying! But they're always just wiping their drippy dicks all over the chins of everybody they just put in their place with a well-timed actually!

Why would Batman think that Killer Moth doesn't know everything there is to know about moths already? Does he think Killer Moth is just half-assing the gimmick? Come on, Batman! Show your villainous counterparts some respect!

Batman just got beat to crap and then beat the crap out of the people who beat him to crap and some asshole in the crowd of bystanders decides it's an optimal time for calling out his bullshit. Well, at least you feel good about yourself, Ms. Self-Righteous, My-Way-Or-My-Incessant-Yapping Piece of Shit! At least now you'll be able to tell the story and make yourself out to be the social hero! "Batman was right there in the diner, bleeding from nearly every orifice, having just butt-fucked a man in a moth costume and I stood my ground! I was all, 'You are gross, Batman! You are problematic and gross and it's your fault that we're all about to die because a dangerous villain followed you here! I mean, you were dragged here by two men in bug costumes but that's no excuse! Hashtag Batman? More like Badman!'" Luckily Batman doesn't have to listen to her for long because he's dragged back outside by a pair of mechanical arms.

This is the part of the story where Scott Snyder finally can't resist and feels the need to explain what's been happening. Boo! Hiss! Snyder, you coward!

Snyder then begins to tell the story backwards because who wants to read a boring linear story? Writing a story backwards is something Real Writers do! They're all, "Check this shit out! I'm fucking blowing this narrative to Comedom King! Get it? Did you get that joke? Was it too intellectual for you?!"

The problem with writing the story backwards is that I find it difficult to comment on. Jerk is making my job hard! So twenty-two minutes before the diner scene, some guy in a potato sack hood scoffed at Batman for throwing something away. What did he throw away? I don't know! It's a backwards mystery! Then two hours before that, Batman, Commissioner Gordon, and some idiot in motorcycle gear apparently sponsored by Batman are standing around the Bat-signal chatting about acid rain and Harvey Dent. Citizens are standing around in the streets covered in bandages. I'm assuming it's because they're embarrassed to be seen looking like they were drawn by John Romita Jr.

Oh, I guess Motorcycle Batman is Duke Thomas. Batman explains that he's better than Robin. I guess all the pederast jokes were getting kind of old.

Two weeks before the rooftop meeting, Batman was asked by Harvey Dent to burn Two-Face out of him. So, you know, Harvey Dent is back to life because this is Rebirth! Harvey Dent told Bruce he had a plan to get rid of Two-Face once and for all. But Alfred was all, "How do you know this isn't Two-Face telling you these things! You're going to be in big trouble, sir!" And Batman was all, "Shut the fuck up, Alfred. Who signs your checks?"

Notice all the time increments have twos in them! I think that's a clue! I bet the next flashback will be two years ago!

Eventually enough back story is given (I hope!) and things settle back down to 20 minutes before the diner. Twenty minutes ago, Batman was forced to listen to Harvey Dent psychoanalyze everybody in Gotham, all based on the fact that his evil eye is color-blind.

Oh, shut the fuck up. I wish I signed your paychecks!

Two-Face believes everybody has a secret side they hide from the world. I've said it before that we all have secrets we'd refuse to tell even our closest confidantes. Not me, of course! I tell everybody everything via this blog! So Two-Face wouldn't be able to control me! He'd be all, "I'll tell everybody you sniff your belly button funk!" And I'll be all, "Oh yeah? I'll show everybody! See? Mmmm! Mmmm! So tangy!" And he'll be all, "Eww! I point out how you once masturbated in a park after dark!" And I'll be all, "Hey! I didn't do that! Don't tell people I did that! That's a big fat lie that you can't prove anyway because nobody even saw me!" And then he'll be all, "Oh yeah! But what about that time you..." And I'll scream, "Not that! That's enough! I'll take your deal! Just don't say that!" Okay. So there are some things I'll never reveal to anonymous people on the other side of this computer screen. Why should I? You're all judgmental bastards!

Two-Face has made a deal with everybody in Gotham that if he gets to wherever Batman is taking him, he's going to release all of the secrets he knows about everybody (and being Gotham's District Attorney, apparently he has access to it all). Now, I don't believe everybody cares. I bet 85% of the residents of Gotham will shrug their shoulders and go, "Who the fuck cares? No way he knows I secretly dig up earthworms in the backyard and shove them in my vagina." But Two-Face knows that 15% of the people of Gotham will be terrified by Two-Face's threat. And they'll mobilize to stop Batman. Like Killer Moth and Firefly have done! And the guy with the mechanical arms.

Also, if Two-Face is set free, he's going to pay the person scads and scads of money! The next villain to beat up Batman is Black Spider. He's the guy with the mechanical arms that pulled Batman out of the diner. He also has some bullets in a gun that all say "Batmau" on them. He set the press wrong because he was in a hurry.

Batman stops Black Spider too because how could he not? It's Black Spider not Doomsday (who Batman could also stop anyway)! But then all of the assholes in the diner decide to join up and collect the reward together because--as I pointed out in the beginning of the sentence--they're assholes.

Batman gets away from them quicker than it takes him to piss in the morning (which, seeing as he's getting older, isn't really all that quick) and he drags Harvey away to lock him in the back of a truck. I guess he's going to drive Harvey to wherever he's taking him. And he'll have to battle scads and scads of villains along the way! I wonder if I can fit any more "scads and scads" into this commentary? Wouldn't it be great to have scads and scads of "scads and scads"? Bingo! Anyway, that's probably why the issue begain "Miles Traveled: 0". Because Batman is going to have to drive 500 miles just to...oh, you know where that's going, don't you? Sorry.

The "house" Batman is taking Harvey Dent to is probably his childhood home where he'll be able to face the thing that caused the schism way back in his childhood. It was probably seeing the neighbor girl shoving earthworms into her vagina.

Batman goes radio silent with Alfred because Batman knew Alfred targeted the Batplane. Not that Alfred has anything to hide. It's just he's tired of having to shut the fuck up simply because Batman signs his motherfucking checks. Batman drives off on his own with only Gentleman Ghost hanging on to the back of the truck as it heads toward its destination.

There's a back-up story because there had to be a reason that Declan Shalvey and Jordie Bellaire got their names on the cover but weren't involved in the first story. That's called a clue! And I noticed it because I'm like Batman! I fuck moth's in the ass! I mean, something about being a detective! Not the moth thing!

The back-up story is called "The Cursed Wheel" and it's Duke's first case with the Batman where he does more than just solve word problems. In this case, he's wearing his new outfit which he bought at the Yamaha Dealership and stuck Bat stickers on. I still don't know what his superhero name is if it isn't Robin. I'm guessing it's just Motorcycle Batman!

Duke and Batman investigate some killings that look like Zsasz was probably responsible. But that's not the important part of this first chapter. The important part is The Cursed Wheel which is some kind of visual representation of all of Batman's training and all of Alfred's sassy remarks woven into a template that teaches sidekicks to become heroes...or villains! And one of them is a great big stinky villain who won't be revealed until who knows when. But it had better not be Alfred! Even though he took a shot at Batman in the main story! I'm sure that was just Alfred knowing the best way to help Batman was to knock his plane out of the sky and force Batman to go radio silent. Right? That has to be why he did that. Right? RIGHT?! TELL ME I'M FUCKING RIGHT AND SNYDER ISN'T DOING THE ONE THING I SAID SO LONG AGO THAT NO WRITER SHOULD EVER DO?!