All Star Batman #4

How often do we get to see the Bat-Chainsaw?

Batman and Harvey Dent continue their wacky road trip. Along for the ride during this section are Duke Thomas and a bunch of Talons. The Talons aren't as hard to defeat this time as they were during that Night of Them. Mostly because they need to be gone by the end of the issue. That's because it's time for The (KG)Beast to return! He manages to capture Batman and Harvey and Duke so he can turn them over to the guys more desperate than anybody to stop Batman and Harvey: The Penguin, The Black Mask, and that other guy with the white face. Oh, Great White! The transfer of prisoners doesn't go so well because it's interrupted by the next group of villains going after Batman to shut up Harvey Dent. I know you're thinking I'm going to give this great reveal as to who the villain is, like Hush or Wrath or King Tut, but I'm not. It's just a bunch of regular people with guns desperate not to let their secretest of secrets out into the world. I suppose if they're this desperate, we can assume they're all pedophiles.

What Did Batman Learn?
Batman is learning that people are just as awful and desperate as they've always been. He's practically the only that has ever risen above his basest nature and become willing to sacrifice his happiness for the betterment of all mankind. Or all Gothamkind, really. He's learning that his faith in them was misguided. He's learning that we're all dicks, especially Superman who could have easily flown Batman and Two-Face to wherever Batman is taking Harvey. I suppose Batman was too stubborn to ask.

The Ranking!
No change. John Romita Jr.'s art is still terrible. It's weird how I accepted his art for what it was when he was working on Kick Ass and Hitgirl, even when he drew the worst monster trucks and automatic weapons. But now that he's drawing DC characters who I've been reading my entire life? I can't abide his style.

All-Star Batman #3

What was Duke's superhero name again? Meadowlark? It's not like anybody has ever mentioned it.

The Review!
Whatever Batman is trying to prove had better be more spectacular than learning the meaning of life. Because a lot of people are paying a pretty high price for Batman's stubbornness. Batman might feel good about himself because he doesn't kill but he should feel bad about himself because he never takes responsibility for the consequences of his actions. Batman could have chosen to let Harvey Dent go so that Harvey Dent wouldn't ruin everybody's lives. But instead of realizing his friend might not want help and that maybe it's time to just let his friend go, Batman chooses to accept the lives of everybody in Gotham being ruined as well as all the death and chaos that comes from every villain in the DCU chasing him down in exchange for his friend getting better. If I were Alfred, I would just hand Bruce a pistol and a copy of Of Mice and Men with a Post-It Note that reads, "Harvey Dent Problem Solving Kit".

This issue guest stars KGBeast, The Royal Flush Gang, Harold Allnut, and a band of ex-Arkham inmates called Batman's Asshole. Or Batman's Testicles. Or Batman's Fucked. Or Batman's Cunt. I think Batman's Asshole is my favorite choice for whatever Batman's @^$&@ actually stands for.

Batman manages to ease everybody a little further on down the road before trouble once again rears it's ugly two-faced head in the guise of, well, um, Two-face. I kind of blew that reveal, didn't I? Anyway, Two-Face gets the jump on Batman and Meadowlark (in his lemon outfit) and winds up pouring acid all over Batman's face. Well, over his cowl, anyway. Which means that Batman's cowl's lenses have been destroyed and Batman will be blind unless he wants to take off his cowl! Which he totally probably won't! Although I'll be severely disappointed if Batman can plan ahead so well that he keeps a Batarang strapped to his back whose sole purpose, it would seem, is to attach a tree trunk to Killer Croc's chest but he doesn't keep a regular, run-of-the-mill spandex cowl underneath his high tech cowl.

I'm fairly certain I'm going to be severely disappointed next month.

The Ranking!
No change! The story might be fun if you can get past how ridiculous the entire premise is and also that Batman would put this many people at risk for whatever he's trying to do. It might be less ridiculous if Batman could articulate why doing what he's doing is so important. Also, John Romita Jr's art is terrible. There's a back-up story that helps to justify the inflated cover price but I don't really find it's worth mentioning.

All Star Batman #1

Which Batman were you expecting?

The Review!
This book seems like it'll be fun. Even though the basic premise that I have to buy to really get into the story is this: Harvey Dent somehow magically knows everything about everybody ever and can reveal it in such a way that it isn't just white noise when it's let loose into the world! I suppose I don't totally have to buy into that premise. I just have to buy into the premise that everybody in Gotham buys into the premise and that they all have dirty secrets that they've idiotically not completely kept to themselves! Such amateurs! When you have dirty secrets, you don't tell them to anybody! I mean, sometimes you can tell them on your blog but then you also have to say a lot of things that are complete fabrications to hide the truths amid the lies! That works really well! I know because a friend of a friend who has this really awesome comic book blog that everybody should be reading told me how it works really well! Was that clear enough so that you know I'm talking about my blog? I mean, I wanted to be subtle about it but then I realized if you didn't get I was talking about my blog, you might think there's actually another comic book blog out there that's better than this blog and I couldn't leave you thinking that! Although I bet those guys at the Weird Science Blog have some really disgusting secrets! I bet they shave kittens and rub them on their testicles. They're so gross!

The Commentary!
My cousin messaged me on the day this came out and asked, "All Star Batman? Yes or no?" I said, "Yes, I suppose. I'm pro Snyder but not so hot on Romita." He told me that was almost word for word what the clerk at his comic book store told him. So I guess I'm not as avant-garde a thinker as I thought I was. I'm just as intelligent as a jerk selling comic books to other jerks. But, in all sincerity (and I'm rarely sincere so listen closely! Or read closely. Whatever. You understood!), how did John Romita Jr. get the job on All Star Batman? During the John Romita Jr. Variant Covers month, he drew Batman wielding a gun. If there's one absolute no-no of a way to fuck up a portrait of Batman, that would be it! And now on the cover of this issue, he's drawn Batman with some kind of gigantic bottle opener batarang that might also be some kind of bear trap? You'll have to look at your own copy of this comic book because I scanned the Adam West Variant Cover.

"Hoo hoo hey! I was drawn by a professional!"

The poor guy with the red wall eyes is the owner of a truck stop diner that's about to get smashed to bits by Batman's face. Killer Moth and Firefly (two bug-type criminals because the waitress was talking about how big the bugs are getting and then...ha ha! Get it!) throw Batman through the window and into the jukebox. I think it's a jukebox. It's a pretty big fucking jukebox. But it has all the hallmarks of a jukebox. I think. Anyway, Batman's face smashes straight through it because somehow Killer Moth and Firefly got the drop on Batman. I don't really need to know how. I don't need a "24 hours earlier" bit on the next page and I have a feeling Snyder won't do that to the reader. This is All Star Batman! None of those gimmicks for this periodical! This is all action and poorly rendered jukeboxes and diner chefs!

Firefly and Killer Moth want some information from Batman. They threaten to kill everybody in the diner if Batman doesn't give up what he knows. I have a feeling Batman isn't going to give them the answer they want. Unless what they're looking for are his Batarangs! He'll show them exactly where those are and in what orifices they uncomfortably fit!

Batman spits out a few teeth and a half gallon of blood so he can say, "Remain calm, everybody! I have this handled! Did I say clam? I meant calm if I said clam. I don't think I said clam but I don't want anybody to be confused. Remain clam. I mean calm!" Then he creepily winks at everybody while the comic book explains he's Batman: most wanted man in the state. Oh my! I wonder what that's about! So exciting!

Actually, their only job is to fuck, shut up, and die! So, maybe go with another bon mot unless you're ready to carry through with an anal raping in front of the diner patrons. You know, to be technically correct and all. Just actuallying!

"Just actuallying!" is what nerds should start saying instead of "Just saying!" Because they're never just saying! But they're always just wiping their drippy dicks all over the chins of everybody they just put in their place with a well-timed actually!

Why would Batman think that Killer Moth doesn't know everything there is to know about moths already? Does he think Killer Moth is just half-assing the gimmick? Come on, Batman! Show your villainous counterparts some respect!

Batman just got beat to crap and then beat the crap out of the people who beat him to crap and some asshole in the crowd of bystanders decides it's an optimal time for calling out his bullshit. Well, at least you feel good about yourself, Ms. Self-Righteous, My-Way-Or-My-Incessant-Yapping Piece of Shit! At least now you'll be able to tell the story and make yourself out to be the social hero! "Batman was right there in the diner, bleeding from nearly every orifice, having just butt-fucked a man in a moth costume and I stood my ground! I was all, 'You are gross, Batman! You are problematic and gross and it's your fault that we're all about to die because a dangerous villain followed you here! I mean, you were dragged here by two men in bug costumes but that's no excuse! Hashtag Batman? More like Badman!'" Luckily Batman doesn't have to listen to her for long because he's dragged back outside by a pair of mechanical arms.

This is the part of the story where Scott Snyder finally can't resist and feels the need to explain what's been happening. Boo! Hiss! Snyder, you coward!

Snyder then begins to tell the story backwards because who wants to read a boring linear story? Writing a story backwards is something Real Writers do! They're all, "Check this shit out! I'm fucking blowing this narrative to Comedom King! Get it? Did you get that joke? Was it too intellectual for you?!"

The problem with writing the story backwards is that I find it difficult to comment on. Jerk is making my job hard! So twenty-two minutes before the diner scene, some guy in a potato sack hood scoffed at Batman for throwing something away. What did he throw away? I don't know! It's a backwards mystery! Then two hours before that, Batman, Commissioner Gordon, and some idiot in motorcycle gear apparently sponsored by Batman are standing around the Bat-signal chatting about acid rain and Harvey Dent. Citizens are standing around in the streets covered in bandages. I'm assuming it's because they're embarrassed to be seen looking like they were drawn by John Romita Jr.

Oh, I guess Motorcycle Batman is Duke Thomas. Batman explains that he's better than Robin. I guess all the pederast jokes were getting kind of old.

Two weeks before the rooftop meeting, Batman was asked by Harvey Dent to burn Two-Face out of him. So, you know, Harvey Dent is back to life because this is Rebirth! Harvey Dent told Bruce he had a plan to get rid of Two-Face once and for all. But Alfred was all, "How do you know this isn't Two-Face telling you these things! You're going to be in big trouble, sir!" And Batman was all, "Shut the fuck up, Alfred. Who signs your checks?"

Notice all the time increments have twos in them! I think that's a clue! I bet the next flashback will be two years ago!

Eventually enough back story is given (I hope!) and things settle back down to 20 minutes before the diner. Twenty minutes ago, Batman was forced to listen to Harvey Dent psychoanalyze everybody in Gotham, all based on the fact that his evil eye is color-blind.

Oh, shut the fuck up. I wish I signed your paychecks!

Two-Face believes everybody has a secret side they hide from the world. I've said it before that we all have secrets we'd refuse to tell even our closest confidantes. Not me, of course! I tell everybody everything via this blog! So Two-Face wouldn't be able to control me! He'd be all, "I'll tell everybody you sniff your belly button funk!" And I'll be all, "Oh yeah? I'll show everybody! See? Mmmm! Mmmm! So tangy!" And he'll be all, "Eww! I point out how you once masturbated in a park after dark!" And I'll be all, "Hey! I didn't do that! Don't tell people I did that! That's a big fat lie that you can't prove anyway because nobody even saw me!" And then he'll be all, "Oh yeah! But what about that time you..." And I'll scream, "Not that! That's enough! I'll take your deal! Just don't say that!" Okay. So there are some things I'll never reveal to anonymous people on the other side of this computer screen. Why should I? You're all judgmental bastards!

Two-Face has made a deal with everybody in Gotham that if he gets to wherever Batman is taking him, he's going to release all of the secrets he knows about everybody (and being Gotham's District Attorney, apparently he has access to it all). Now, I don't believe everybody cares. I bet 85% of the residents of Gotham will shrug their shoulders and go, "Who the fuck cares? No way he knows I secretly dig up earthworms in the backyard and shove them in my vagina." But Two-Face knows that 15% of the people of Gotham will be terrified by Two-Face's threat. And they'll mobilize to stop Batman. Like Killer Moth and Firefly have done! And the guy with the mechanical arms.

Also, if Two-Face is set free, he's going to pay the person scads and scads of money! The next villain to beat up Batman is Black Spider. He's the guy with the mechanical arms that pulled Batman out of the diner. He also has some bullets in a gun that all say "Batmau" on them. He set the press wrong because he was in a hurry.

Batman stops Black Spider too because how could he not? It's Black Spider not Doomsday (who Batman could also stop anyway)! But then all of the assholes in the diner decide to join up and collect the reward together because--as I pointed out in the beginning of the sentence--they're assholes.

Batman gets away from them quicker than it takes him to piss in the morning (which, seeing as he's getting older, isn't really all that quick) and he drags Harvey away to lock him in the back of a truck. I guess he's going to drive Harvey to wherever he's taking him. And he'll have to battle scads and scads of villains along the way! I wonder if I can fit any more "scads and scads" into this commentary? Wouldn't it be great to have scads and scads of "scads and scads"? Bingo! Anyway, that's probably why the issue begain "Miles Traveled: 0". Because Batman is going to have to drive 500 miles just to...oh, you know where that's going, don't you? Sorry.

The "house" Batman is taking Harvey Dent to is probably his childhood home where he'll be able to face the thing that caused the schism way back in his childhood. It was probably seeing the neighbor girl shoving earthworms into her vagina.

Batman goes radio silent with Alfred because Batman knew Alfred targeted the Batplane. Not that Alfred has anything to hide. It's just he's tired of having to shut the fuck up simply because Batman signs his motherfucking checks. Batman drives off on his own with only Gentleman Ghost hanging on to the back of the truck as it heads toward its destination.

There's a back-up story because there had to be a reason that Declan Shalvey and Jordie Bellaire got their names on the cover but weren't involved in the first story. That's called a clue! And I noticed it because I'm like Batman! I fuck moth's in the ass! I mean, something about being a detective! Not the moth thing!

The back-up story is called "The Cursed Wheel" and it's Duke's first case with the Batman where he does more than just solve word problems. In this case, he's wearing his new outfit which he bought at the Yamaha Dealership and stuck Bat stickers on. I still don't know what his superhero name is if it isn't Robin. I'm guessing it's just Motorcycle Batman!

Duke and Batman investigate some killings that look like Zsasz was probably responsible. But that's not the important part of this first chapter. The important part is The Cursed Wheel which is some kind of visual representation of all of Batman's training and all of Alfred's sassy remarks woven into a template that teaches sidekicks to become heroes...or villains! And one of them is a great big stinky villain who won't be revealed until who knows when. But it had better not be Alfred! Even though he took a shot at Batman in the main story! I'm sure that was just Alfred knowing the best way to help Batman was to knock his plane out of the sky and force Batman to go radio silent. Right? That has to be why he did that. Right? RIGHT?! TELL ME I'M FUCKING RIGHT AND SNYDER ISN'T DOING THE ONE THING I SAID SO LONG AGO THAT NO WRITER SHOULD EVER DO?!

Moon Knight #3

"M-O-C-N! That spells Moon Knight!"

My favorite thing about this comic book is that it's not filled with Narration Boxes. Fucking A! Is that a saying that adults say? Or do only overgrown man children watching sports say that saying? Anyway, Warren Ellis is a real comic book writer (that's not meant as an insult!) because he knows how to let the pictures tell the half of the story that the pictures are trying to tell. I'm sick to death of reading the out of time inner monologues of people thinking thoughts directed at an audience. Maybe that's why I hate Grifter so much! Because that's his entire schtick!

This story begins at 10 PM on some winter night in New York City (as if it would take place in any other city! This is Marvel, dumb dumbs!). As people are going about their end of the daily routines, four ghost punk rockers march into town and start moshing New Yorker's faces. I bet this is the Second Coming of the Shuteye Train!

The Shuteye Train engaging in philosophical debate. What would you die for, assholes? Just look at you.

Moon Knight pulls up in his fancy white car and jumps right into the debate. His opening point goes right past Pig Millions. Pig Millions counters with an unarguable point while Loco Dantes interrupts with a salient argument that brings Moon Knight to his knees. Eventually Reedy Weeks and Joe Kay add their voices to the mix. Moon Knight finds himself overwhelmed by their logic.

And by "logic", I mean "boots".

Moon Knight does what any crazy, sharp-dressed vigilante would due after getting his ass handed to him by a bunch of punk street philosophers. He goes back to his mansion and consults with the moldy birdman skeleton lurking in the shadows of his den. Khonshu or Horus or Harvey Deadbirdman reminds Moon Knight that his basement is full of Egyptian artifacts. Somewhere amidst the stolen treasures (even if they were "purchased", they've still been stolen from the culture that rightly should possess them), he's sure to have something that will allow him to win a street argument with a bunch of punk ghosts that think they're writers.

Moon Knight bones up on some ancient Egyptian debating techniques and hits the streets again the next night hoping to put the verbal smackdown on The Shuteye Train.

I'd watch the Presidential Debates if they were forced to dress in this kind of ritualistic regalia.

With his new bone coverings, Moon Knight is able to counter every argument the Shuteye Train throw at him. He completely picks apart Pig Millions and chases down the rest of the gang to a building that's being newly renovated.

Must be CBGB and the renovation is driving out all the zeitgeist leftover. Or the punk rock ghosts are just old men in masks trying to get the real estate for super cheap.

I think CBGB's is a high end clothing store or something now. Maybe it's a Disney Store! Whatever it was turned into, the fucking angst and anger was driven out into the streets! I didn't hear about any of this kind of shit going down though, so I guess the punk rock ghosts decided this world was fucking too late to change and just got on with dying.

Inside, Moon Knight finds four punk gang members with bullet holes in their heads slouched against the wall. He also finds a punk, long dead, sitting cross-legged with a gun in his hand and a music box near his feet. The Punk Ghosts he finds hiding inside a crack in the music box. And Moon Knight says:

I think this is some kind of statement about how punk rock failed to truly change the world because the punks could never actually let go of their nostalgic ties leftover from childhood. Or something.

Moon Knight drops the music box into the bay so that the last three punk rock ghosts could come back later. You know, after they find a new drummer.

Moon Knight #3 Rating: While reading this story, I purchased another copy of The Boomer Bible on Amazon for eighty six cents, thanks to my Amazon Credit Card Bonus Points. I believe I've given away four different copies of The Boomer Bible and have found myself without a copy for far too long now. So I ordered it. I think I read The Boomer Bible cover to cover when I was twenty five. I'd read many, many excerpts from it for a few years before that. I may not generally list it as one of my favorite books when I list favorite books (although I probably sometimes do; the list constantly changes depending on mood or which books come to mind) but it's possible it's the book that has been most influential on my character and personality (and, probably, writing). I give away copies instead of loaning them because I think everybody should have a copy of The Boomer Bible on hand. And, even though I think it's rarely done, I believe everybody should read it cover to cover. When the book gets serious, it gets fucking serious. I think if Punk Rock had a holy book, The Boomer Bible could easily be it.

Moon Knight #2

"Who broke my window?!" "Telling the truth isn't going to be crazy!" "Glass everywhere you look! Who broke my window?!" "Why is my stomach all nervous and crazy?"

I want to begin by apologizing for writing a blog that is sometimes hard to understand. I appreciate that you struggle through it because you can tell that it's the smartest writing on the web even if you have a hard time understanding any of it. It's not my goal to make you feel average when you've come to the end and reflect on the piece in stunned and muted silence. Using phrases like "muted silence" every few sentences is a strategic method to keep people of average intelligence comfortable while reading my commentaries. Commentaries that, truly, can only be compared to reading an advanced text on quantum mechanics. I get it. I understand. My work is intimidating! But you know, as a loyal and constant reader of my blog, like a faithful dog excitedly chomping at my heels, that placing yourself in difficult situations is the first step to growing, the first rusty ladder rung of enlightenment! Smiles, everyone! Smiles! My dear readers, I am Tess, your host! Welcome to Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!

Before I begin reading Moon Knight #2, I have a clarification to a statement I made in my last commentary. I stated that I had never read a Moon Knight story. Upon meeting with a friend afterward, he decided to embarrass and humiliate me by pointing out that he had loaned me a comic book with Moon Knight in it just a few months previous. Stuffing french fries covered in every condiment he could wring out of the Shari's server, he said, "What the fuck is wrong with you, you idiot? What kind of mental deficiencies are you suffering from? Is your brain rife with cancers? Or are you just too fucking old to remember anything?"

"Well!" I stammered as I angrily stirred my iced tea with a straw. "I never!" I began avoiding eye contact and grew mutedly silent.

After stuffing another round of fries into his bearded facehole, he said, "Hey. Hey. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so...exuberant." I refused to acknowledge him. "Hey. Look at me. Come on." I slowly turned, as if I were going to meet his gaze. Instead, I stared at the wall just past his head. "You know I just love Secret Avengers and can get very passionate about it. It hurt me, personally, that you didn't remember it."

"Well...," I managed to mutter through a river of snot and tears that I forgot to mention were suddenly coming out of my face due to allergies, probably. I still wouldn't look him in the eyes.

"Oh, I know what baby likes," he began, realizing I was coming around. And that's when I felt his hand on my inner thigh, squeezing delicately and slowly making its way up to the stiffening bulge in my jeans.

And that's when I realized he'll probably be reading this and things are going to be really awkward next time we talk! So I decided to read Moon Knight #2 and pretend none of that stuff ever happened!

This is how the issue begins. It's clever. So be ready for it.

Eight separate characters. Eight separate panels. One death. Okay, maybe that part isn't clever! The clever is coming up!

The clever part is how page two now has seven panels and one white space where an eighth panel would go. The seven panels have the remaining seven characters in them. Same order. Blank panel where the dead guy would be. This page has another death.

Third page, two blank panels where the dead people's stories were taking place. Another dead guy, another blank panel on the next page. Within the stark white borderless spaces where people's lives are now missing, there is a voice. A new story is taking place. But it's an old story tied to the lives of the people in the other boxes. It's the story of a person that was abandoned by these others, long ago. And now he's making them pay. And by pay, I mean shooting them in the face with bullets.

But that's not where the clever stops, apparently! Because you know Warren Ellis's motto: "Always be too clever for your own good!" That's a pretty good motto. My motto is "When playing 'Rock, Paper, Scissors', always choose rock so you'll be prepared to throw the first punch when a fight breaks out." It's a metaphor for how to live life and not just a method for playing the game! Come on! Do I constantly need to hold your little pee pee for you so you piss straight in the bowl? That's also a metaphor so it pertains to non-penis having people as well.

Two comic books in one week with the word "fart" in them! We've come so far!

So that's eight pages and eight people dead with the killer's voice mentioning that he's going to do this to nine people. It also seems that most of them worked in the same building or on the same office block. But that's probably because they were all members of some black ops group working for the same people. Or coincidence. Or some manipulation by some genius bad guy like Harvest.

This story is a nicely done, compact version of an idea I had for a book of short stories. This was years before The Sopranos finale and was a project I never worked on because I'm lazy. Each story was going to be about a person whose trials and tribulations had led them all to the same moment at the same restaurant. Each story would end unfulfilled and incomplete. They would just stop, maybe in mid-thought. Or maybe at a seemingly normal break but with the reader unsatisfied with the conclusion to the story. The final story would be that of a person on a shooting spree as he kills each of the people in the previous stories. His story would get an ending of his own choosing as he commits suicide. The only person whose story gets a proper ending because he was the one to choose the ending for all of them even though he wasn't in any of the other stories. So how could their stories end resolved?

After eight pages of no Moon Knight, we get three pages of Moon Knight landing on a rooftop behind the sniper. So that's half the comic book down and no real Moon Knight action! And, yet, it's still a good comic book! How can Warren Ellis do that? Scott Lobdell fills every page in his comic books with the main characters and I'd rather be reading about characters I've never met whose names I'll never know! Writing! How is it done well? It's a mystery!

Then there's a big chase scene and no words! It's very cinematic! Except without the music layered into the background to try to make you feel something studios don't think you'll feel without music.

See how slow bullets are in the Marvel Universe?! My theory was correct!

The issue ends with Moon Knight learning the story that the reader already knew. And then the ninth person appears in the elevator, shoots the sniper in the head, and says, "Banks are better than guns!" Except his words ring hollowly since he killed the sniper with a gun and not a stack of money.

Now is the part where you tell me how I got the ending all wrong because I opted for a joke instead of a serious analysis. Go ahead. You're free to do whatever you like! Unless you like diddling babies. Then you might be free and you might be doing that but you shouldn't be either of those things!

Moon Knight #2 Rating: Good stuff! I miss this kind of self-contained comic book story. You just don't get enough writers feeling confident enough to write a story that doesn't hinge on the super powers of the title character. Sometimes the title character can be a supporting character because the story is the important thing. I mean, the characters are important too! But only when they're treated like characters and not just super powers wearing a specific costume. I think I might have had something else I was going to say but I've forgotten. So the end.

Moon Knight #1

"M-O-O-N! That spells Moon Knight!"

I have never read a Moon Knight comic. I don't believe I've ever read a comic book that featured Moon Knight. My only experience with Moon Knight is Moon Roach, Dave Sim's parody of the character in Cerebus. But he's a character that has intrigued me because he's crazy. At least I hear he's crazy. Isn't that what he is? Anyway, I didn't actually pick this up because I couldn't wait to finally bust my Moon Knight cherry all over my clean bedsheets. I picked it up because Warren Ellis's name is on the cover. Also because I was forced to buy this copy after having my way with it in the back of the comic book shop due to seeing Warren Ellis's name on it.

Since I have nothing to say about Moon Knight that isn't rampant speculation as to whether he's more moon or knight, I'll just recount Moon Knight's Secret Origin for this series as told to me by the first page of the comic book: "Mecenary Marc Spector died in Egypt, under a statue of the ancient deity Khonshu [So the statue crushed him or he just died at its feet? Also, was his first name "Mercenary" or was that his occupation?!]. He returned to life in the shadow of the moon god, and wore his aspect to fight crime for his own redemption. He went completely insane, and disappeared. [Then there's a paragraph break here.] This is what happened next."

I really wanted that last sentence to end in an exclamation point. I was super excited as I was reading that last sentence and then I felt embarrassed when it ended in a period, like I'd brought more to this comic book than it was ready to give.

Tess: "OH MY GOD I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!"
Marvel Comic Book: "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down, Hoss. I ain't responsible for your future happiness, you know? I was just stating a fact. A short declarative sentence. And now that you've imbued the moment with your own desperate need to live vicariously through me, you expect me to deliver something I wasn't prepared to give. I don't need this kind of pressure."
Tess: "SORRY COMIC BOOK OH MY GOD MOON KNIGHT REALLY IS INSANE THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME!"
Marvel Comic Book: "You know what should calm your ass down? How about some adverts, bitch? I'm gonna shove 'em right down your throat, over and over and over again! That'll wear your excited ass down to more acceptable levels, won't it? Jesus, I'm going to give you so many advertisements you're going to begin wondering why this comic book isn't free and on a small stand just inside the door of your local convenience store. I'm going to have so many ads, you're going to wonder why you haven't found any good deals on boats by the end of this."

Moon Knight has Dissociative Identity Disorder. He's going to be called crazy a lot by characters in this comic book and by me. If you have DID, please read this while in your least easily offended personality.

Moon Knight is known as Mr. Knight by Detective Flint and the other New York police. I know they're NYPD because this is a Marvel comic book and Marvel only has one city in their universe and that city is New York. Mr. Knight is not known as Moon Knight because if he were Moon Knight, the police would have to use excessive force on him. And that wouldn't look very good in the papers the next day. "NYPD BRUTALIZE MENTALLY ILL BUSINESS GHOST."

He's not wearing a phosphorescent suit!

Mister Knight (M-O-O-N! That spells Mister!) is helping Detective Flint to track down a slasher that's been killing big, tough guys. Mister Knight has a special knack for checking out a crime scene and knowing exactly what happened. Maybe the moon tells him since the slasher kills at night. Maybe he's just got the same gift as that detective from the most horrible movie ever that consistently winds up on people's lists as their favorite movie: Boondock Saints. Holy shit that movie is awful, people. Stop liking it unironically. Fuck, stop liking it ironically! No, wait. Forget I said anything. Knowing that movie is their favorite movie is an easy way to judge somebody as a person I have no interest in getting to know.

And then I reach the big foldout advertisement for more Marvel comic books and realize I have to add another one to my pull list: Doop by Peter Milligan. This is really getting out of hand!

Moon Knight's investigations take him deep under the city where he finds an old Agent of SHIELD that was blown up by an IUD while on shore leave. He's been killing physically fit people and taking pieces of them to fix himself up. And we all know which piece is his favorite piece to take, right?! I bet his penis is now sixteen penises long. He'll show those terrorists that life after an IUD is still livable! Plus the next time his penis sets off an explosive IUD, his body will be at a safe distance, sixteen penis lengths away.

RED! The color of crazy men! WHITE! The color of crazy men! RED! The color that makes me see red! WHITE! The color that might not be a color!

Moon Knight kills this hero because Moon Knight has no respect for people who served our country even if it was as an agent of a clandestine government agency that will do anything to advance its own agenda while pretending to seemingly serve the people of America. Also the guy tried to shoot Moon Knight in the face, so what could he do, you know?

The issue ends with a flashback to Moon Knight's return to New York where a psychiatrist (or something. He calls her "Doctor") tells him that he isn't insane. Instead, and this is the good news, he's suffered brain damage after having been resurrected by an Outerterrestrial entity causing him to cycle through aspects of the Moon God, Khonshu. She finishes by telling him his brain has been colonized by an ancient consciousness from beyond space-time. It's those last few revelations that make me doubt that this "doctor" is actually a psychiatrist!

Darn. I guess Moon Knight isn't technically crazy now. He's just got a bit of Space Madness. Or suffering from a slight bout of Cosmic Possession. I'm sure all of this will still make for an interesting series since what, really, is the difference between crazy and the crazy diagnosis the "doctor" gave him? Hell, the doctor might just be a figment of his insane mind.