Batman #2

Here we see Batman thinking, "I'm getting too old for this shit."

The Review!
Tom King's Batman is the best Batman because...that's where I would put a bunch of smart reasons that I don't want to come up with. But you know they'd be really smart and super intelligent and way funnier than any reasons given by those guys at the Weird Science blog! Their motto is "We don't know who Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea is but we know we're not as cool!" I think. Their motto might also not revolve around me at all. In fact, if anybody has ever mentioned my blog to them, they probably responded with "What do you want me to eat, asshole?!" Anyway, Batman with no Narration Boxes is the best Batman. If you like Batman with Narration Boxes, you're basically Kevin Smith. And who would want to be Kevin Smith? I mean aside from the success and the loving family and the ability to eat anything you want because hockey jerseys fit people of any size. Did that sound like I was slagging off Kevin Smith? I didn't mean to! I love Kevin Smith! I also love telling kittens at the Humane Society that I'm going to be taking them home and then sneaking out without another word. Oh! I also love San Dimas!

The Commentary!
I am glad that DC Comics has continued to have faith in the success of light-hearted, hilarious books like Batman. I, for one, like to see a crime-fighter with self-control who merely breaks arms, legs, and jaws. A person in authority who does not pin a man to the ground and shoot him in the face because they felt disrespected, or have a huge power trip, or know that no District Attorney is ever going to seriously convict a policeman for murder because they work too closely with the department to get convictions and even the so-called good police officers will close rank if any one of the horrible ones is ever actually brought to justice for murdering somebody (always a black somebody) in cold blood. So it's refreshing to pick up a comical book like Batman and lose myself in the laughter and jokes and misadventures of a caring, empathetic soul!

Last issue, Batman met Gotham and Gotham Girl. Batman refrained from snickering at their names. Although later he had a good laugh telling Alfred about them even if he didn't quite catch what Alfred mumbled about the name Batman as he walked out of the room with the tea tray. This issue begins with Solomon Grundy in town on business. I think he's on a stand-up comedy tour.

"Played the Laugh Factory on Wednesday! Bombed on Thursday! Had therapy on Friday! Beat himself up emotionally on Saturday! Cried all day on Sunday!"

It's nice to begin a comic book with Solomon Grundy already on a rampage because who wants to set up the story surrounding his motivations?! He's just a big dumb zombie comedian! Why waste space on his trials and tribulations when we already know the troubles which comics have to deal with since every other program on Netflix is about comedians? It's best to just begin with Grundy smashing stuff so that the reader can immediately think, "Oh! Bad set, hunh Grundy?"

Gotham and Gotham Girl think the best way to defeat Grundy is to punch him while he's reciting his act. But Batman knows the proper way to stop Grundy is to wait until he's finished and them throw him out of the club.

Wait! Grundy said the whole poem but he forgot about falling in love on Friday!

I bet David Finch was disappointed that Tom King was making Solomon Grundy the enemy. I bet he whined and hedged and tried to convince King to make it the White Rabbit. Or since it's Rebirth, what about a female version of Solomon Grundy who looks hot and sexy and wears almost no clothes?

Batman seems to think sharing the responsibilities of keeping order in Gotham is a good idea. He doesn't tell Gotham and Gotham Girl to beat it any times which is way less times than I thought he would. Instead he lectures Gotham about how he needs to do better and doesn't even bother speaking with Gotham Girl. I bet Bruce Wayne has sex with Gotham Girl later! Or already?

Batman is beginning to feel like the old guy being forced out of a company because he's old and earns too much money and doesn't have any super-powers and did I mention how old he was? He accepts that it's better to have heroes like Gotham and Gotham Girl in Gotham. Mostly because it would be weird if they were in Metropolis. But also because he is just a man. A regular man who shouldn't probably be climbing around on the outside of a plane to save the day. He's best at scaring kids so that they don't go around spraying graffiti on everything. And he's okay at bouncing Solomon Grundy from a club or two. But what if an asteroid full of dinosaurs infected with Cosmic AIDS was crashing down on the city? How would he climb on that to save the day?! The best thing he can do is accept Gotham and Gotham Girl as a new regular feature of the city.

Oh, will he? I think Dick has moved on with his own plans, dude!

Above the Batcave, Bruce Wayne is throwing a gala for the opening of a children's hospital! You know what that means, right? Time to meet Gotham Girl in her civilian garb and bang the stability out of her! Probably while Gotham watches. I meant the city! Because he'll do her on the helipad on top of his company skyscraper! And also Gotham will probably be watching too! The hero!

Meanwhile, a man with PTSD kills himself in Commissioner Gordon's office after saying that the Monster Men are coming. And by PTSD, I mean Post-Therapy of Strange, Doctor. Or something. You get it!

At the gala, Bruce Wayne is rubbing his erection on the thigh of a young woman who thinks they're just dancing when he looks out the window, sees the Bat Signal in the sky, and says, "I have to go! It has nothing to do with that light in the sky! I just have to masturbate now!" Then he rushes off with the young woman saying, "Why do you need to masturbate?! My underpants are currently a swampland!" At least David Finch was given a few panels where he could draw a woman! Or was it a young girl? No, no. I'm pretty sure it was a woman or else Bruce wouldn't have been so sexy to her.

Oh, and remember that part where I said this boock was light-hearted and hilarious and you thought, "Fuck you, you stupid idjit!"? Remember?

Boom! In your stupid face! Hilarity!

Just for a second, let's go back to that Monster Men are Coming bit that I breezed over like I usually breeze over things thinking that everybody is filling the empty spaces of the things I'm not saying with things that I would be saying if I didn't think they were so obvious! Is Tom King going to have a bit of a meta-conversation between his book and the television show, Gotham? Because basically this whole Monster Men thing and Dr. Hugo Strange stuff was the cliffhanger for the last season of Gotham. The other part of the cliffhanger was when was Selina going to poison Alfred for slapping her? So tense!

On the roof of Gotham Central, Commissioner Gordon makes sure Gotham and Gotham Girl feel just how much he dislikes having to work with more freaking heroes. Although he might like how Gotham Girl likes to fly above him while wearing a really short skirt. I wonder if her bum is as cute as Supergirl's?

Batman rushes off to investigate leaving Gordon and the Gothams to awkwardly stand around discussing how Batman isn't there anymore. But he's got their number, apparently, so I'm sure he'll call if he needs somebody who can fly or see through walls or thinking up really boring names for things.

The epilogue proves that Hugo Strange is behind the people doing bad things and then killing themselves. The real surprise is that standing behind Hugo who is behind the bad stuff is Amanda Waller and, presumably, General Lane. And they think they're the ones saving Gotham! So I guess that's the mystery! Who are the monsters?! The Gothams? Grundy and others? Strange? Waller? Batman's sticky penis?

Can I end on that? I can probably end on that, right?

Aquaman #2

I think I almost want to kiss Aquaman here.

The Review!
My first thought with Aquaman's first Rebirth story was that it was once again going to be more of the same with that idiot Black Manta. Kill, kill, murder, murder, kill, vengeance, murder. But what Dan Abnett takes the reader's expectation of what a Black Manta story is and turns it on its stupid, oval, big red eyed head. It's probably that I really wound up enjoying this story because it paralleled all of my feelings on the character of Black Manta. He has defined himself through vengeance which is never a good thing because what is there after that's done? It's not like he was also taking courses to be a structural engineer on his downtime. Although he somehow has access to great technology, so maybe engineering and electronics was his back-up plan? Aquaman once went through an intense and boring and really poorly written therapy session in a four issue mini-series in the eighties where he got a new costume printed with blue wavy lines. Now it's time for Black Manta's therapy session. I'm not sure Aquaman is qualified to give counseling but it seems to work out anyway. And since he says a lot of the stuff to Black Manta that I've been saying, I have to admit he's pretty good at! A surprisingly good read considering Aquaman's name is on the cover and it's yet another fucking Black Manta out to get even story!

The Commentary!
Black Manta and Aquaman have the most intimate relationship of any two characters in DC's universe. You don't kill somebody's father without feeling forever connected to that person, especially when that person also killed your father. It's like a pretzel of patricide. I wonder if Pretzel of Patricide is a position in the Kama Sutra?

Aquaman has moved on with his life because he killed Black Manta's dad after Black Manta killed Aquaman's dad. So Aquaman was all, "Case closed!" He then slapped his hands together, rubbed them for a bit, and then walked off imagining the closing credits. But he should have stuck around because their was a scene after the credits of Black Manta shaking his fist and screaming, "AAAAAAQQQQUUUUUUAAAAAAMMMMMMAAAAAANNNNN!" So now it's time for Aquaman 2: The Constant and Perpetual Return of Black Manta!

Last issue ended with Mera being harpooned in the chest, Spindrift Station being flooded, and Aquaman about to be murdered by Black Manta. Except that Black Manta's plan isn't to kill Aquaman, so that probably wasn't as tense a cliffhanger as it could have been. Black Manta wants to make Aquaman a laughingstock. Wait. Isn't Aquaman already a laughingstock?

This issue begins by reminding everybody that Black Manta's story of vengeance was once also the story of Arthur's vengeance. But once Arthur got vengeance, he moved on. He dropped Manta's dad's lifeless corpse to the deck of the ship and was all, "Well, we're all done here! Everything's square! Even Stephen! You agree, right?" But instead of Black Manta thinking, "Arthur killed my dad because I killed his dad! So now I need to kill his dad which I already did! So...oh! I get it! I should probably move on now, maybe get some therapy or something," Black Manta thought, "Arthur killed my dad for no reason! Ew! I'm going to kill his fiance! And maybe pee in his face!"

Black Manta has also decided to blow up the Atlantean Embassy.

He sure planted a lot of bombs in a little time!

With the building exploding around him and a harpoon sticking through his shoulder, Aquaman decides it's time to have a therapeutic talk with Manta.

Aquaman: "Have you ever considered this anger toward me has more to do with unresolved issues surrounding the relationship with your father?!"
Black Manta: "Of course I have unresolved issues about that! They might be resolvable if you hadn't killed him!"
Aquaman: "Oh yeah! But, um, this is stupid! You killed somebody I loved! I killed somebody you loved! It's like a mathematical equation! It's balanced on both sides of the murder!"
Black Manta: "I'll murder your face!"

I should hope so! That's a pretty huge mistake! "Ugh! If I knew you were going to be so angry and keep trying to kill me, I never would have done it!"

That revelation by Aquaman made me laugh out loud! I don't think that's the reaction Abnett was going for!

Black Manta responds to Aquaman's statement by saying, "Too late for remorse." Really, Manta? You took that as a try at showing remorse? It was so obviously just an expression of irritation with the consequences of killing your dad! Aquaman doesn't feel bad at all! He got his vengeance and now part of that is keeping you from getting yours!

On the next page, Aquaman assures Black Manta that he has no remorse for killing Manta's dad. What kind of therapy is this, Aquaman?! Piss Manta off until he has a breakthrough and falls crying into your arms?

I hope somebody called Amanda Waller during the fight.

After quite a bit of fighting and talking, Aquaman has Black Manta at the end of his trident. He points out that he can kill Black Manta to end the cycle and it would absolutely save lives. But Black Manta is all, "You kill me and you lose! Everybody sees you're a murderer! I win! If you don't kill me, I will eventually kill you! I win! I win all the ways!" Aquaman lowers his trident and begins to pout instead of pointing out that if he kills Black Manta, he will be able to rewrite history and spin the story to his advantage! Without Black Manta to dissent (because he's dead!), Aquaman can just tell the press that Manta was a maniac who killed Arthur's father and, for some reason, continued to harass and attack him. It's not anybody would ever know the truth since nobody knows Black Manta's identity! And they won't ever know it after Aquaman calls a few Great Whites in to devour all traces of him.

Instead, Aquaman hands Black Manta his trident and says all the things that I've been screaming at Black Manta for years!

Get your own damn life and motivations, you moron! Stop letting your father's death define you!

Black Manta finally has his breakthrough and collapses crying! Holy shit! Aquaman's therapy works! Aquaman apologizes for killing Black Manta's father and the scene ends. I imagine Aquaman is also going to have to apologize for having called Amanda Waller and sending Manta back to Belle Reve.

On his way to Belle Reve, Black Manta is freed by some woman with idiotic headgear with a leather fetish.

Constantine the Hellblazer #13

Is Constantine bisexual because everybody he meets gets fucked?

The Review or Whatever!
• This issue is called "Worthless" which is a good start toward my prediction that Constantine's plan to rid New York of Neron was to make New York worthless to him.

• Constantine and some of his Justice League Dark pals who he's steal on speaking terms do some magical tweaking of the very nature of New York. Apparently that's something magicians aren't supposed to mess with but since it's never been mentioned until this story, it's really easy for Constantine to break that rule. He breaks them all anyway, right? But how much easier to break a rule that was just made up to be broken! So easy!

He won because the writers are on his side, dummy.

• Constantine has turned New York into the most boring city on the face of the earth, full of boring bores whose souls are worthless. So it's Portland now?

• I wonder if Portland, Maine, has a couple dozen confused hipsters living there?

• Lady Alexandriel of Faerie proves she's a top one percenter by offering to buy out Neron in his time of desperation. She smells somebody about to lose it all and she offers him next to nothing for everything he has. I bet a lot of this is going to be going on in Britain in the next few years. Does Britain get to declare itself its own continent now? Did leaving the European Union cause it to leave Europe completely?! That'd be awesome. Maybe they can call their new continent Pluto.

• In return for helping make New York a part of Faerie, Constantine gets Oliver's daughters' souls back. And New York is...well, probably not a whole lot different. Maybe there will now be a few more musicals?

• Constantine learns a lesson that most people never learn: communicate! Make sure the people close to you know what you're doing so they don't call the police when you keep on taking dozens of kittens into the basement. You don't want to find out the hard way that your Kitten Cuddle Room has branded you as a serial killer. So instead of letting Oliver know that he had a plan to save Oliver's girls, Constantine just rushed off to do it after telling Oliver he failed. So Oliver went out and made a deal with a devil to get his girls back on his own. That devil was Blythe, who really dislikes Constantine right now.

• So once more, Constantine loses somebody he loves because that's just the way Constantine's life is. I would like to say it's a curse and it's through no fault of his own but that would make the character far less interesting, wouldn't it? No, John knew when he approached Oliver that Oliver was probably going to end in a bad way. And even though John thinks he cares, he knows he didn't care enough to simply stay away. He tried to leave Oliver but, of course, that was after it was way too late. And it's not like Constantine didn't already know that it was going to be way too late the moment he introduced himself to Oliver.

• I'm excited for the next chapter in Constantine's life! I love seeing innocent people damned to hell for being too sociable to the wrong people! Serves them right!

Lumberjanes Love Gotham Academy #1

Two girls with red eyes? What are the odds?

The Review or Whatever!
I'm going back to Bullet Points and Summations for any non-Rebirth books I read because I have to get this shit out of the stack already. The Universe is different, comic books! Let's move it along already!

• I don't know anything about the Lumberjanes but I'm assuming they cut down trees, eat regular meals, and go to the bathroom on a regular basis.

• I do know about the kids of Gotham Academy. They like pizza and solving mysteries and kissing secretly in closets wondering if they should experiment with finger banging.

• The term "finger banging" is one of my favorite terms because it's so awkwardly childish and aggressive and should never actually be used by a mature person in any context other than using it because it's so fucking ridiculous. FINGER BANG!

• I don't read Lumberjanes simply because I don't read a lot of books maybe I would be choosing to read if I wasn't reading all of these DC Comic books that matter less and less to the zeitgeist as time goes by and they continue to let Zack Snyder ruin their movies. I read Blue Monday a long time ago and remember enjoying it so I'd probably enjoy Lumberjanes too.

• Remember how Alfred Hitchcock always made sure to get a cameo in all of his movies? Zack Snyder does the same thing except his cameos are all just piles of his own feces.

Exhibit Gross.

• The Pizza Club stumble upon a missing person's case that they shouldn't get involved in and decide to get involved. Olive finds some trash at the scene of MacPherson's disappearance and says, "A clue! I found a clue!" The other members of the club accept Olive's gut instincts and wildly insane assumptions as gospel and follow her into the woods. They must all want to finger bang her pretty badly (the "pretty badly" is ambiguous here because I'm betting none of them have much finger banging experience).

• The Lumberjanes badger their scout leader into letting them help find somebody called Rosie who has been mauled by a Bigfoot. Maybe. How about I just assume she's missing, like MacPherson, and may be in trouble?

• In a surprising shock twist, the Lumberjanes and the Pizza Detectives run into each other in the woods! Lots of names I won't remember are thrown about. Finger banging does not yet commence. But soon, I'm sure, because the heterosexual or bisexual or pansexual or super slutty Lumberjanes will probably think Kyle is super cool!

• The Lumberjanes are all eighteen or over, right? Sure they are! Now I don't have to feel weird about my future bullet point where Pomeline teaches Jo about the Shocker.

• Soon after the introductions are made, some devil worshipers appear!

Let the finger-banging commence!

• The important characters escape from the devil worshipers. That means Olive Silverlock and Scout Leader Jen were captured, just in case you had no idea which characters were important to the story being that you're probably not a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

• Next issue will probably be about the trauma of finding your scout leader and one of your best friends eviscerated.

• According to the sneak peek at James Tynion IV's new comic book, the trend in independent comic books is to show friends hugging a lot and saying things like "You're cool, my friend!" and "Friends are the super best! Let's hug for twenty pages and maybe say 'Squee!' a few times while we're at it!"

Poison Ivy: Cycle of Life and Death #6

Guest Starring Pamela Ivy's tits!

The Review or Whatever!
There comes a time in every houseplant's life when they must venture forth into the real world and make their own way. Sometimes their leaving is a natural consequence of maturity, time, and not feeling too embarrassed to try to bring other plants home to fuck in their parent's house. And other times, plants are forced out of the house by an amoral scientist turned monstrous plant that has come round to suck out their stem cells. Get it? They're plants and they have "stem" cells! Ha ha!

Besides Pamela Ivy's tits, Swamp Thing also makes a guest appearance! Why? I don't know! He doesn't do much except tell Poison Ivy her plant children might be evil jerks. And they just might be! But that story will have to never be told because the story ends with Pam's children heading south to wreak havoc on the South. Or maybe they're in search of the Swamp Thing's fat cock. Either way, we'll never know because there's no way this book was popular enough to get a sequel. It was terribly boring. It felt like a rejected script for Murder, She Wrote. I really expected that show to be punk rock because who comes up with the title of a television show that shoves a comma in the middle of it? I don't mean shoving a comma in a title like Two Guys, A Girl and A Pizza Place! That comma isn't doing any work. But Murder, She Wrote? That comma is a fucking star.

Poison Ivy: Cycle of Life and Death #5

Kids are the worst. No wait. Parents are the worst and kids just a symptom of their worsitude.

The Review or Whatever!
Poison Ivy's plant daughters have a night on the town in a story that somehow wasn't called "Paint the Town Green"! Or the strip club anyway because the three Poison Ivy Sporelings manage to sneak out of the house to explore Gotham and wind up in a strip club. Everything you want in a female lead comic book is right here in the pages of this comic book! Hot ladies throwing their arms in the air while dancing to music! Adorable ladies screaming things are awesome because they're full of passionate intensity! A man touching a woman without her permission and getting hurt. A riot at a strip club. Police getting bested by six month old girls. And a harsh mother figure demanding that girls lock themselves up in a tower for their own safety! The only thing missing was the kissing!

I think what this issue was actually about was the anxiety of being a parent. The anxiety wasn't quite as anxious as the anxiety in Eraserhead but then that's not a fair comparison. I never wanted kids and Eraserhead made me feel super anxious for something I knew I was never going to have to deal with! Luckily for Poison Ivy, her children were not vomiting potatoes. Unluckily for Ivy, her children have grown into adults in just six months. Somehow they've matured and learned just as much as an eighteen year old would know as well. I guess they binge watched a lot of Netflix in those six months.

By the end of the issue, the girls are back in their locked tower and Ivy is being attacked by an evil scientist who has also been touched by The Green. Isn't that how it always is?! You can't just have one scientist accidentally turned into a walking plant god! You've always got to have another, more jerkier version transformed alongside you. Typical. So this guy Doctor Grimley is Poison Ivy's Floronic Man. Unless it's different somehow. He wants Ivy's daughters (or just the one he made, Thorn) and he plans on having them! I don't think he's going to be successful although I hope Ivy and her daughters get a moment to hug before the girls all die of old age while saving the world at the same time next issue.

Dark Knight Returns: The Last Crusade

The Joker is a messy eater.

The Review!
In some ways, this story feels like it was written less by Brian Azzarello and more by Frank Miller. It just doesn't have the nuance of Azzarello in the dialogue. The writing feels a bit blunt and broad-minded. It's also possible that I was simply put off by John Romita Jr.'s art so I put on my grumpy pants and refused to thoroughly enjoy the story. The story itself is about how Batman is as much at fault for Jason Todd's death as The Joker is. I think. That might be the story and even though that wasn't the story in the regular DC Universe, it's the take that maybe the current Jason Todd needs to be true. Batman never said the things Jason needed to hear. Batman simply treated Jason as another Bat-Gadget. Batman was always telling Jason to not do things or to stop doing things a certain way. Batman never told Jason that he had the potential and gifts to someday (and a very soon some day too!) be a great Batman. Batman never fucking hugged the poor kid! And while maybe this is the story that makes more sense of Jason Todd's relationship with Batman, I'm not sure it's the story I want. I suppose Batman is distant and cold and closed off from emotion. He allows Alfred to take on that role for him. But do I want my Batman to be so justice-minded that he lacks the empathy to treat close friends and acquaintances in a kind and, if not loving, at least compassionate way? Does that dilute the power of The Batman? I would hope it would only strengthen him. But then this story isn't really about Jason, is it? It's more about Batman and his failings and learning from those failures. It's just too bad for Jason Todd that he had to be a plot device to help Batman grow!

The Commentary!
Everybody wants to write a Final Joker story. I don't know if this is one of those but it has the Joker on the cover and the word "last" so it probably is. I would make a great cop! I jumped to a conclusion and then found two clues to support that conclusion and that's all the evidence I need to arrest the bastard!

This issue is based on Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns. I provided that information for people who forgot to read the cover. I wish I remember The Dark Knight Returns better since it a seminal fluid comic book that everybody else seems to lose their shit when they remember all of the apparently great details in it. I think in Miller's story, The Joker and Batman had sex on a carnival ride. This must be the aftermath of that encounter.

The story begins with The Joker being thrown back into Arkham. Well, that's that! He'll never get out of Arkham! Is this going to be one of those Batman stories where Batman goes into Arkham as a metaphor for delving deep into his subconscious until he comes face to face with The Joker and then realizes it's really a mirror? I suppose it could also be one of those other Arkham stories where The Joker escapes. Those are a lot more common. But judging by the cover, Batman and Robin will be coming to him. Maybe they need him to Hannibal Lecter something for them. I hope Carrie Kelley doesn't get hit in the face by The Mad Hatter's semen!

It turns out this story takes place much earlier than the events in the original Dark Knight series. Jason Todd is the current Robin so maybe this is the Final Jason Todd story! But since it's current and in the Dark Knight Universe, it will probably be a lot more entertaining than that whole Death in the Family garbage from the eighties. Unless it was the nineties. Maybe Jason Todd will be the one to take the metaphorical journey into his subconscious as Arkham where he'll eventually come face to face with The Joker where he realizes it's really the audience!

The media have decided to question Batman's policy of putting children in the line of maniacs. Batman catches wind of it and is all, "But I'm a good guy! Stop criticizing me!" Alfred is all, "Do you need somebody killed for this?" And Batman is all, "No, just...you know. Go polish something."

This book reminds me of that quote about how many men must walk down a road before you can call it a road. Mostly because I just thought of that quote while reading this book and thought, "Does that fit? Does that make sense? It must, right? Or else why would my brain bring it up!"

While the media questions why Batman would train a young person to put themselves in danger, Batman's back is all, "You're too old for this shit! Get a young person in here!" So it's that most ancient of all arguments! I'm not sure exactly what the argument is but it has something to do with old versus young and how the young waste their potential but only realize it once they're old and then the old version of them is all, "Young people are stupid because I was once a stupid young person!" Meanwhile the young people who actually spent their youth in a manner they could live with never grew old because they probably died in a base jumping accident. Then young people look at older people and think "Why are they so grouchy and boring?!" because only the grouchy and boring ones survive to look down their wrinkled noses at the youth. All the cool ones died awesomely when their aging bodies eventually betrayed them.

I think that explains why Batman needs to train a young person to do his job. It's kind of a different reason for Batman needing Robin then the usual reason that Batman needed somebody in bright clothing for the bad guys to shoot at instead of shooting at him. Or maybe the reason was that Robin was Batman's version of Prozac?

If you're wondering why I haven't scanned any artwork yet, it's because I'm afraid DC Comics will send me a cease and desist! No, wait. It's actually because this comic book's physical format makes it really hard to scan pictures. I could take pictures of them but that's totally amateur hour! What am I? A fckuging amataeru? Hardy!

The night after catching The Joker, Batman and Robin head out to catch more of The Joker's gang. During the battle, Jason Todd smashes a guy's head in the door of an overturned van that was catching fire. He saves Batman's life doing it, so Batman understands that sometimes casualties will happen. And it's not like Batman blames himself or Robin for any deaths! If a bad guy dies while Batman tries to apprehend them with explosives and lethal Batarangs and extreme violence, it's the bad guy's fault for not being prepared to live through explosions and blunt objects and sharp objects and Batman's fists of justice!

See? The bad guys are at fault for being too amateurish to reinforce their van against Batman's explosives! Dummies!

I basically ruined the spine of my comic book scanning that panel. Maybe it's more professional to just take a picture of the book! Or perhaps I should be buying them digitally? No way! What am I? A young person?! My world is physical comic books and living in a maze of stacked up comic book boxes in every room! So much better!

I have a theory about the popularity of Young Adult literature that I probably shouldn't bury in the middle of this review but I will anyway. I feel it's popular because the genre usually presents a black and white world where somebody who is a literal unique snowflake and literally doesn't fit in literally sees the literal right way things should be and works toward making the world a better place while also making the reader feel represented. Adult literature is way too ambiguous (and I don't mean fuck books about fucking! Although those are good too and often ambiguous as well). Because the real challenges in life aren't about rising up against an obviously oppressive status quo to make the world a better place, even though your sister and some of your friends might die in the process. People in the real world aren't background automatons brainwashed by the oppressive culture in which they live that need to be led to freedom by one spunky, thoughtful teenager and her friends! People in the real world are complicated by their coping mechanisms and the strategies they've come up with to survive. If only there were a single bad man to bring down to make everything better! If only there were one perfect solution to create a utopia that would make happy each single individual with different views, dreams, backgrounds, and hopes. Although maybe I'm reading Young Adult books incorrectly! Maybe The Lord of the Rings wasn't about bringing down the ultimate bad guy and making the world a safer place for men and hobbits (but not elves!) to live! Maybe it's actually about how travel makes a person less ignorant! And maybe The Hunger Games wasn't about bringing down a fascist regime but about how young people are quickly swept up into events out of their control as they enter adulthood where they get to make fewer and fewer of their own decisions and simply begin to just try to control the aspects of their lives they're able to control! And maybe the Divergent series wasn't about how young people who don't fit into society are actually better than everybody else and go on an adventure to prove that they're better and more creative and totally way more important than those stupid jocks and cheerleadgers! Maybe it was about...well, I don't know what it was about because I liked feeling like I was divergent and that I was better than everybody else because I totally didn't fit into society's fucking square holes! Or maybe Uglies wasn't about flipping the bird to society's conventional beauty standard and was actually about...no, I think that's probably exactly what it was about. I guess all of these Young Adult books are simply about making kids who don't fit in feel like they're better than everybody else. Because you know who reads? Kids who don't fit in! So lets write a bunch of books to make them feel good!

I may have lost my point somewhere in that paragraph but that's my style! Pointless!

Back to The Last Crusade, The Joker begins telling a story about a boy. "Etch a Pooh air," he begins. Although this story isn't about a boy who died soon after childbirth and was thus given a heroic story by his insane mother, written on reams of paper given to her to write letters to her first son Johnny, and sent to an old lover of hers named Zampano who may or may not have been the brother of her husband because it's really unclear how Pelafina knew Zampano at all although it was clear that she did know and love him. This story is about a boy born with a broken neck! The Joker's story is like one of those Young Adult books I was talking about. The broken necked kid was able to see things differently than everybody else because his head turned around more or something. But that was no good! Society hates those who see things differently! And so the doctors fixed his neck and made him normal and that was a true tragedy! They took away his individuality! They took away his power! They took away everything that made him McMurphy McMurphy except for his influence which is why the story isn't really about McMurphy at all but about Chief Broom who manages to escape those damned doctors!

Bruce finds his way into Selina's vagina and is all, "We can't have romantic times yet! I'm still training Jason Todd!" And Selina is all, "Fine! Fine! I'll put the Catsuit back on. But you know I'm feeling old too, old man! Don't expect any back flips onto your penis!"

Meanwhile, Jason Todd continues to delay Bruce's retirement.

Maybe this book isn't about Jason Todd being killed by The Joker at all! Maybe this book is about Batman paying The Joker to kill Jason Todd because Batman is old and tired and want an excuse to quit! And if Jason Todd isn't going to be the Batman Bruce wants him to be, Bruce will have to train a new Robin which could take more years than Bruce has left in him. But if Robin dies under his watch, he can pretend he's hanging up the cape out of mourning and respect!

Poison Ivy is running some scam where she makes rich people love her so that they give her their money. That's the story acting like the main story while The Joker escaping Arkham is pretending to be the B-Plot.

Hate! It's a circle that turns round upon itself!

The previous panel sent me on a quest to watch my favorite two math Schoolhouse Rock videos, Little Twelve Toes and Good Eleven. Little Twelve Toes blew my mind as a kid and Good Eleven, for whatever the fucking reason, makes me cry tears of pure joy. I'm crying right now after having watched it. If I could just distill whatever that fucking song does to me into pill form, I'd be a fucking wreck, probably. "Hey, Tess, why are you crying?!" "Never gave me any trouble til after nine!"

Batman and Robin stop Poison Ivy but Bruce is beaten near to death by Killer Croc in the brawl. As Bruce is bandaged by Alfred later that night, Bruce finds out The Joker is loose again and he's in no shape to stop him. And he doesn't believe Jason is either. So he tells Jason to go to bed and let The Joker do whatever The Joker is going to do anyway. It's just a regular night in Gotham where people are going to be tormented and killed by some maniac. Does it really matter if it happens to be The Joker?

Robin goes out against Batman's orders and is taken by The Joker as the story ends. As Jason is searching for The Joker, Bruce and Alfred discuss their future plans for Jason. They're things that maybe should have been said to Jason and maybe he wouldn't have felt he needed to simply disobey Bruce's orders and commands. Maybe Jason would have survived to be a great Batman had Bruce simply treated him like a partner or a son or a peer instead of a lump of clay or a cadet or an attack dog. And so Jason goes off to his death because Batman forgets to chain him in the yard. Or, you know, treat him like a human being, I guess?