Lumberjanes Love Gotham Academy #4

Oh my god! They're still getting along?! Can't somebody's dog eat some chocolate or something?!

The Review!
Well, it was bound to happen! The ending of this book is what I've been waiting for! Not the dog eating chocolate! I didn't really want that to happen. I just wanted some friction to come between some of these characters. If one of them had a dog and it ate some chocolate and got sick because one of the others had left their chocolate out, the dog owner would be understandably upset with the Peter J. Tomasiesque pet attempted murderer! Then whammo blammo! High school drama! Then instead of being stuck reading sappy bullshit about how everybody needs to work together and be cool to each other and accept every ludicrous self-identifying label out of their mouths, I get to read a story where some chick slaps another chick and some bro feels betrayed by his friend who slept with the girl he thought he was dating but she was only using him to get close to the guy she really wanted to sleep with and it wasn't his fault and he didn't realize you'd be so upset about it anyway, Aaron Voorhees! She wanted to fuck me as soon as she saw me take charge and change the tire on that other girl's piece of shit Trans-Am I was driving back from the party for her which she didn't say had almost no rubber on the fucking tires at all!

So, um, yeah! High school drama coming up because Olive was totally giving Kyle Fuck-Me Eyes in front of Louise who thinks he's Simon!

The Ranking!
The message is still that Communist bullshit about working together for a common goal and trying to be the leader of the collective so that you can siphon off as much material goods as possible while leaving the others with negligible amounts of whatever. Teamwork! The only thing working together has ever accomplished is, well, probably a lot of things. But can you name one right now? Probably not! So fuck it! Individuals for the win! Doom Bunny is a huge jerko!

Lumberjanes Love Gotham Academy #3

I'm a grown-up, so I'm going to stop using the term "fingerbang" as of right now. Wait. FINGERBANG! Okay. Now!

The Review!
If you like stupid upbeat books about friendship and doing the right thing and respecting everybody for their stupid choices, this might be the boring book for you! I bet if this book were a Middle School Student, it would get picked on by Red Hood and the Outlaws! It would probably sit shyly in the library during lunch while the popular kids, Young Avengers and Batman, ruled the cafeteria, choosing which other cool kids could sit at their lunch table. This book would probably get so many swirlies and wedgies that it would rival my record! I mean the record I set by giving other kids swirlies and wedgies! My hair and shirt were wet in my school photos because it was raining on the day they took photos! Actually, it was raining every day they took school photos!

Man, I'm so sick of cute and adorable and nice being the cool things! I wish somebody would bring back canning! That's where you would get thr...I mean, that's where you would find some dumb stupid weak kid (who was probably fat) to throw in a garbage can or a dumpster. In the 70s, it was practically a mandatory school activity! Teachers frowned on kids who didn't participate in the systematic oppression of the younger and smaller kids in the lower grades! If a kid from the 70s were to read this garbage about friendship, they would probably laugh uproariously at it! And maybe a few tears would fall down their faces and they might think later, "Why can't life be more like that?!", as they read that book on knots they checked out of the library. Man, those books were so confusing! I bet less kids hung themselves in the days before YouTube when they couldn't watch a clear video walkthrough on how to make a noose.

The Ranking!
Friendship! Friendship! If you have friends and like friendship, you'll probably pop a friendship boner over this book about friendship! If you don't enjoy friendship or all of your friends are dumb jerks (like Doom Bunny!) then you probably won't like this book. In fact, it might make you angry seeing so many compassionate, sweet, adorable youngsters getting along in totally non-sexual ways. Pee-yuke!

Lumberjanes Love Gotham Academy #2

I even surprised myself by how much I used the term "fingerbang" in the commentary on the first issue. Although, I mean, look at what Maps is so obviously doing to the Lumberjane across from her.

The Review!
I stand by my use of the term "fingerbang" as the main descriptor of this comic book.

Exhibit A: The exhausted, late night, awkward sleep creep fingerbang.


Exhibit B: The mythical quadruple fingerbang mermaid attack.


Exhibit C: The Sit-and-Spin Thumbbang offer.

I was sure there would be more evidence but all of the Lumberjaners and Gotham Academites are busy trying to rescue Professor MacPherson and Rosie. They just don't have time to experiment right now! But I'm sure once the adventure is over and they have time to relax and drink a bunch of soda and stay up late and play Seven Minutes in the Closet, they'll make up for all the lost fingerbanging time. I can't wait to get to that issue!

The Ranking!
I have no idea. I'm not a young person who is into these comic books about friendship and shit. The only reason anybody needs friends is to build up enough trust to get some fingerbanging going.

Lumberjanes Love Gotham Academy #1

Two girls with red eyes? What are the odds?

The Review or Whatever!
I'm going back to Bullet Points and Summations for any non-Rebirth books I read because I have to get this shit out of the stack already. The Universe is different, comic books! Let's move it along already!

• I don't know anything about the Lumberjanes but I'm assuming they cut down trees, eat regular meals, and go to the bathroom on a regular basis.

• I do know about the kids of Gotham Academy. They like pizza and solving mysteries and kissing secretly in closets wondering if they should experiment with finger banging.

• The term "finger banging" is one of my favorite terms because it's so awkwardly childish and aggressive and should never actually be used by a mature person in any context other than using it because it's so fucking ridiculous. FINGER BANG!

• I don't read Lumberjanes simply because I don't read a lot of books maybe I would be choosing to read if I wasn't reading all of these DC Comic books that matter less and less to the zeitgeist as time goes by and they continue to let Zack Snyder ruin their movies. I read Blue Monday a long time ago and remember enjoying it so I'd probably enjoy Lumberjanes too.

• Remember how Alfred Hitchcock always made sure to get a cameo in all of his movies? Zack Snyder does the same thing except his cameos are all just piles of his own feces.

Exhibit Gross.

• The Pizza Club stumble upon a missing person's case that they shouldn't get involved in and decide to get involved. Olive finds some trash at the scene of MacPherson's disappearance and says, "A clue! I found a clue!" The other members of the club accept Olive's gut instincts and wildly insane assumptions as gospel and follow her into the woods. They must all want to finger bang her pretty badly (the "pretty badly" is ambiguous here because I'm betting none of them have much finger banging experience).

• The Lumberjanes badger their scout leader into letting them help find somebody called Rosie who has been mauled by a Bigfoot. Maybe. How about I just assume she's missing, like MacPherson, and may be in trouble?

• In a surprising shock twist, the Lumberjanes and the Pizza Detectives run into each other in the woods! Lots of names I won't remember are thrown about. Finger banging does not yet commence. But soon, I'm sure, because the heterosexual or bisexual or pansexual or super slutty Lumberjanes will probably think Kyle is super cool!

• The Lumberjanes are all eighteen or over, right? Sure they are! Now I don't have to feel weird about my future bullet point where Pomeline teaches Jo about the Shocker.

• Soon after the introductions are made, some devil worshipers appear!

Let the finger-banging commence!

• The important characters escape from the devil worshipers. That means Olive Silverlock and Scout Leader Jen were captured, just in case you had no idea which characters were important to the story being that you're probably not a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

• Next issue will probably be about the trauma of finding your scout leader and one of your best friends eviscerated.

• According to the sneak peek at James Tynion IV's new comic book, the trend in independent comic books is to show friends hugging a lot and saying things like "You're cool, my friend!" and "Friends are the super best! Let's hug for twenty pages and maybe say 'Squee!' a few times while we're at it!"