Titans Hunt #8

At first I thought there were two Nightwings on the cover. Now I'm positive there are two Nightwings on the cover.

The Review or Whatever!
I don't understand why I've been so disappointed with Titans Hunt. How can a person be disappointed by a team of superheroes that they've never really liked before? I suppose I still have some vestigial feelings left over from thinking that maybe I liked the Teen Titans back in the 1980s. That was also when I learned the word "vestigial" so I might be using it incorrectly. At the beginning of the 1980s, I was listening to Lionel Richie and Billy Joel. By the end of the 1980s, I was listening to Slayer and Metallica. I blame that on picking up my sister's Blizzard of Ozz tape and listening to it over and over and over again. Maybe that wouldn't have stuck so much if not for also liking a girl who I thought liked Alice Cooper but then finding out she didn't really know anything about his music after I discovered I couldn't get enough of it. Also it was junior high and high school and I was looking for a way to not be bothered by anybody ever and it seemed being into metal was a good way disappear into the background. Also, have you listened to Mr. Crowley? How could you not become an instant fan of Ozzy Osbourne after listening to that song? Although even in the late 1980s after my transformation, I'd still punch a bitch in the throat if they talked over Lionel Richie's "Hello".

The one thing I can't figure out about Titans Hunt? Whose dad is Mister Twister? He must be the father of one of these Teen Titans because the only time they get into huge conflicts is when their parents come to town. Okay, sometimes they have to battle their children from the future too. But mostly it's their father or some other close relative. One day, Trigon will wander in from Azarath or wherever to punch them all in the junk, the next day, it'll be Douchéstork the Terminator. Then a few days after that, Mento flips the fuck out before everybody has to rush off to Tamaran to beat down Starfire's sister. Then Donna Troy's foster family begins coming around looking for handouts before Cyborg's grandparents come around and...oh, you know what! Cyborg's grandparents never caused any trouble! Way to go, Cyborg, for having dead parents and cool grandparents! You were the best Titan of all!

So will the big reveal in this issue be that Mister Twister is Bumblebee's estranged father? Probably!

When did Second Nightwing get Laser Eyes?

Mister Twister doesn't seem to be the main enemy. He's the John the Baptist to the evil fuck's Jesus. I don't yet know who the evil fuck is but I'm guessing, as you may have guessed, that it's one of the Titans' mothers or fathers or second cousins twice-removed, whatever that means. I think what that means is a cousin you can do oral with.

The Teen Titans need to rally together to stop Mister Twister's plan from working so Nightwing comes up with one: semantics! They'll defeat Mister Twister with semantics! If he can only open the portal because the Teen Titans remember being the Teen Titans, then they'll point out that they aren't teens anymore! They're adults! They have new names even! So how can they still be used to open the portal when they aren't called Speedy or Robin or Wondergirl or the fish guy anymore?!

Garth? I think you mean Second Nightwing.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd enjoy comic books more if I were less cynical and more earnest. But then I remember how much I love cynically reading comic books and pointing out how stupid they are. Not that the Titans winning a battle by pointing out they've changed their names isn't the most amazing thing I've ever read! Because it's, like, a metaphor or something! It's so powerful! It's like Dick Grayson isn't a little boy anymore. He's all grown up and better than Batman and he's had sexual relationships and everything! I think this is like that moment in It when all the little kids have sex so that they can escape from the innocence of their childhood which was what made them victims in the first place. Except it's less gross!

But apparently the kids need everybody to understand the power of semantics! And too bad for them, they still have that big dope Hawk on their team!

Say you're Monarch, Hawk! Tell him about how you're Monarch!

Dove should choose her words more carefully because she's encouraging Hawk not to fight in the panel above. It's not like he can see her punctuation.

Hawk remembers that Mister Twister killed the original Dove so he flips the fuck out and tears a hole in Mister Twister's chest cavity. The Titans kick the crap out of him like they're fans at a soccer game cheering on their home team by putting a fan of the other team into the hospital. Whatever Mister Twister was summoning (it looks like a gigantic, other-dimensional spider, so I think bringing up It earlier was apt) begins coming through the portal. But Lilith casts a spell and Gnaark feeds Mister Twister to it, and it retreats back to its dimension. I don't know why the thing looked like a spider. Shouldn't it have looked like a big naked blue guy with a flaccid pecker?

The issue ends with the Titans suggesting they reform and with a mystery! The mystery is who was the missing Titan since Mister Twister mentioned ten Titans and there were only ten of them. But Bumblebee didn't count for some reason! I think because she was from Titans West or something. Anyway, Dick only brings it up so everybody can say, "Oh yeah! When are they going to remember Wally?!" Otherwise nobody would have even thought Bumblebee wasn't one of the ten Mister Twister mentioned since she had powers and was obviously a Titan of some kind or other.

Robin, Son of Batman #12

You know, it's been quite awhile since a hero was swallowed whole to explode out of the stomach of their attacker!

The Review!
Damian and his reflection battle with the entire world up for grabs. In the process, Damian learns that he's already learned everything that needs to be learned about family. He knows parents argue, pets are better than people, and cute girls in tattered dresses are the best kind of friends to have. He also remembers that he was once a terror, so maybe if he can take his evil reflection under his wing, he'll be able to teach him to not need his parents' approval too. Damian seems to have found a place where he can accept the relationship he has with his mother and father, and accept that they'll continue to argue and beat the shit out of each other on a fairly regular basis, and that none of that has anything to do with him or how much he loves each of them. He also realizes he can keep them both at arm's length because they're so annoying and he will probably go off on his own to form a team of kid superheroes.

The Commentary!
Last issue, everybody was headed to Dinosaur Island. That's the island that has dinosaurs where Superboy and Wonder Girl engaged in some really awkward flirting. Unless I mean disgusting when I say awkward. If you don't remember it, let me remind you in an inexact but probably close to the truth reenactment.

Superboy: (punching Wonder Girl in the face) "You're so cute!"
Wonder Girl: (kicking Superboy in the balls) "I hate you but I'm so wet!"
Superboy: (choking Wonder Girl) "If I didn't dislike you so much I would totally do it with you!"
Wonder Girl: (knocking out Superboy's teeth) "I would never do you in a million years even though I totally want to because you're so hot!"
Superboy: (orgasming in his pants) "I'm tired of fighting now, you whore!"
Wonder Girl: (not quite reaching orgasm) "You're such a typical guy, you bastard!"

Now that's how you force a romantic subplot into existence!

I don't think there will be a romantic subplot this time around on Dinosaur Island. Damian and Maya should just remain friends and Batman and Talia will totally remain enemies. So unless Titus has hitched a ride and winds up humping somebody's leg, this is probably going to be a violence only issue. Darn! I always like sex and violence together! That's a better match than chocolate and peanut butter.

Naimad and Maya arrive on Dinosaur Island first. But that was six hours ago and they're early because the ritual to end the world doesn't begin until midnight. That gives Damian and his family plenty of time to get to the island and the "NOW" narration box.

See? Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Maya has been turned into a booty trap. I know it's booby trap but she doesn't have any boobies yet. Batman remains behind to disarm her while Damian and Talia rush off to stop Naimad from doing whatever he has to do to end the world.

The ritual takes place at the bottom of a volcano. That's because there's some kind of Lazarus Well inside the volcano that reaches to the center of the Earth and keeps the dinosaurs on dinosaur island from dying. But apparently if you throw a goofy eyeball into it, it will erupt and destroy all life on Earth. Who built that feature into the Lazarus Well? That just sounds like trouble. And now it is because Damian fails to stop the ritual. Hopefully there's a second part of the ritual that can still be stopped or else this disaster might be the reason the DC You needed a Rebirth.

There doesn't seem to be any more to the ritual but there's still enough time left for Naimad to stop it if Damian can convince him that his father doesn't love him because he waited so long to bring Naimad back from the dead. Although how would Naimad know how much time had passed since he died? Wouldn't it just seem like he woke up from a short nap?

It's probably a good thing he didn't add "My father resurrected me almost immediately!"

Naimad has no confidence in his plan and is easily talked out of it at the last minute by Damian. His father may or may not have loved him but he certainly doesn't love him now, the little failure! After Naimad believes he's made a friend in Damian, Damian punches him in the face and knocks him out. I don't know if the rational side was from his dad or the punching side was! Maybe both parts were a little bit Talia and a little bit Bruce.

Speaking of Bruce and Talia, they have a nice bitter ex argument after the day is saved which drives Damian into the arms of a monster. Oh, and Goliath too!

Talia plans to keep Naimad for her own nefarious al Ghul purposes but Damian has other plans. Those plans are breaking him free and teaching him to be his sidekick. Those plans will also take place in the final issue next month.

Superman #68

At one point, Deathstroke tries to evade Superman by hiding above some ceiling tiles. I thought Slade was supposed to be smart?

Deathstroke winds up arrested at the end of this issue because Lucy Lane was shot by the Metropolis Special Crimes Unit trying to apprehend him for crimes he didn't commit. I mean, he's committed a lot of crimes, including murder and statutory rape. Since Slade is a close personal war buddy of Sam Lane's, he basically gives himself up at the end of this issue. He'll probably think better of being arrested in the next issue of Deathstroke and be all, "What the fuck am I doing in prison?! I'm Douchéstork the Terminator!"

The New Titans #88 (July 1992)

Nightwing gets a long overdue costume change and it works. Starfire gets a costume change and it’s terrible. Luckily the Starfire in the new horrible costume is actually Mirage. Hopefully Kory won’t keep it when she returns from wherever she’s being held captive . . . again!

Baby Wildebeest continues to be played up as the main draw of the comic book although every scene with him is just Pantha grousing and not killing him as he destroys Steve Dayton’s home. Why Pantha is putting up with all this Titans nonsense, I have no idea. Maybe Dayton is giving her a per diem.

My main question is how long did Jonathan Peterson work on this comic book trying to make into the X-men? I mean, they've fucking living in a mansion now.

Superman: American Alien #7

In this issue, Superman goes crazy and burns his insignia into North America.

The Review!
A nice finish to a truly entertaining series. This is absolutely fan-fiction. People do understand that comic books have been fan-fiction for at least half a century, right? The only difference between "professional" fan-fiction and amateur fan-fiction is being accepted and published by the publishers. You can't even point to quality although, due to the quantity (and the knowledge of people who think they can write's writing), I'd have to say a large percentage of fan-fiction isn't that great. But then how is that a real criticism of amateur fan-fiction when a large percentage of "professional" fan-fiction isn't great? You can tell some writers simply want to be known as writers and managed to worm their way into the business without really knowing or loving the characters they're now in charge of. That's most telling when somebody like Max Landis comes along who obviously loves the medium and the characters and has been a fan of them for years. He knows what makes Superman work on a level surpassing his physical abilities. He knows what makes Lobo so disturbing. He hasn't just been handed the task to write a story about Superman or (Twat) Lobo or Aquaman and gone and done his own thing while ignoring the reasons people feel so bound up in these characters. If any series was a strong argument as to how DC mishandled The New 52, it was this series. Because this series also gave us a rebooted version of how Superman may have gotten his start, and various points along that youthful journey. But it also maintained within the character and the universe all of the ephemeral beliefs about Superman that the reader retains from DC's past. I recognize this Superman as being as authentic a Superman as has been written. In seven issues, Max Landis made me happy to read Superman stories. In fifty-two issues of DC's regular Superman title, all I managed to be was angry and disappointed. Please,, DC, more of this Superman.

The Commentary!
This issue is called "Valkyrie". I guess that means the theme will be Superman escorting a bunch of people to Valhalla? I suppose it was my own stupidity that led me to think every issue of this series was going to be named after a bird. It's now obvious it was simply named after creatures with wings. I'm assuming Valkyries have wings since I've never met one. I've also never met an angel. I feel that needed to be said since the last issue was called "Angel" and I never questioned whether or not angel's have wings. Explicitly stating I've never met a Valkyrie made it seem like perhaps I had met an angel. To repeat, I have not. I am not a loony cuckoo bird American with an average intelligence. Do you like how I formed that sentence?! It makes it seem like maybe I'm not an American nor do I have average intelligence while explicitly stating I'm not a loony cuckoo bird! But it's not true. I am an American. Although the intelligence bit isn't true because I have something other than an average intelligence. I won't say any more so that you think I mean I have a higher intelligence.

This issue begins with the revelation that American Alien Superman has been sleeping with Lois Lane. I still don't understand how Clark Kent has sex. I don't mean his semen should come out of his penis like a shotgun and blow a hole through his partner's midsection (although that's probably what should be happening). I mean how does he feel anything? If he's invulnerable and he can't feel pain (unless it's some cosmic menace which makes Superman say things like "I actually felt that!" which totally proves my point about him not usually feeling anything) then how does he feel sexual pleasure? Being inside of Lois Lane's vagina is probably exactly like not being inside Lois Lane's vagina. If it's true that Superman can't feel anything (which it is because I've declared it based on years of reading comic books) then he's either faking orgasm or he's simply aroused to the point of ejaculation by the thought of having sex with Lois Lane. I can believe that but only for the first few encounters with her. After Clark has spent enough time devirginized, he's hardly going to blow his load at just the thought of putting his penis inside of a lady. He's going to need some hand work and maybe a little oral and then perhaps some digital stimulation of the asshole. And if he can't feel anything, how is he going to know Lois has a finger up his bum? Hell, Lois would be in danger of losing that finger if he clenched up! I just don't buy any scenario in which Clark could enjoy having sex with a human woman unless he was wearing a Kryptonite cock ring.

While texting Jimmy all the sordid details of his pretend sexcapade with Lois (it must be pretend, as my previous paragraph proves), Clark learns that a building in downtown Metropolis has exploded. The culprit is not a Valkyrie.

Although I imagine Lobo has escorted his fair share of warriors to the afterlife.

With the appearance of Real Deal Lobo here, I realize that Rebirth has given DC a chance to rectify the missteps by introducing Twat Lobo to their fans. If they were smart (they aren't), DC would use the story I outlined that Real Deal Lobo is just future Twat Lobo who realized he was going through a really dopey mod slash emo phase. Twat Lobo must have a binder full of really awful poetry, right? Or maybe Lobo doesn't feel his mod/emo phase was dopey at all and just gets fucked up and hits the skids really hard after overdosing on that drug near the end of the Twat Lobo series. Or what about my other idea that Twat Lobo was a clone that formed when Lobo didn't properly clean up after masturbating all over a modern art exhibit? With Lobo's power to create clones from a single drop of blood (or semen (or pre-cum)), DC could put out a monthly Lobo series with a different Lobo clone whose personality is based on wherever the clone formed. Although I think that might be stealing the entire plot of Neal Obermeyer's Planarian Man.

Superman tries to have a conversation with Lobo. All that's going to do is introduce Clark to phrases like "Feetal's Gizz", "Son of a Bastich", "Frag a frag frag frag!", and "Have you ever tasted your own prostate?" Clark may have think he's seen evil before (and he may have) but I doubt he's yet to see apathetic violence done for whatever. This encounter is really going to confuse the Blue and Red Boy Scout.

Here, Lobo does a better impression of Superman than New 52 Superman ever did of Superman.

This attitude displayed by Lobo is perfect. This is how Superman should treat nearly every encounter he has with any criminal on Earth. I don't mean he should be threatening in any kind of deadly or violent way. But he should remain calm and rational because he knows he yields all the power. There's no need to immediately rush in swinging fists and blasting people with heat vision. Lobo displays the calm, rational patience here that I expect out of Superman at all times. "Look, criminals. I cannot be hurt. I have so much power that Marvel Fangenders regularly blow their hate-load over me. I'm in total control of this situation and I refuse to destroy a single piece of property around me proving it to you. Either you walk away now or I transport you quick as a wink to the Salt Flats where I will beat you as hard as you need beating until you realize a career in crime in Metropolis is futile. Best to try your hand at Gotham, although you'll get far less leniency from the protector of that city."

I also like the threat that Lobo brings to bear here. As Lobo says (and I said earlier with my vague reference to Lobo's cavalier attitude to death and violence), this is a new thing for Superman. It isn't just Lobo's power that is new to Superman. It's his general attitude to death and destruction. Lobo should be presented as Superman's opposite not because Lobo rivals Superman's power but because they're philosophies are diametrically opposed (that's a geometry metaphor!). Lobo should scare Superman shitless not because Lobo can take as many punches as Superman can deliver but because Lobo doesn't give a fig about the lives of others. Ma and Pa Kent could never have taught Clark about somebody like Lobo because they could never have imagined somebody so cruel, vicious, and unsympathetic to any other being (except maybe a dog, a few space dolphins, and maybe some penguins).

Lobo realizes Clark is a Kryptonian and gleefully reveals that Krypton exploded five hundred years ago (Superman is old!).

This is my favorite portrayal of Lobo in quite some time.

I've learned from this series that comic book companies need to stop thinking that any "professional" comic book writer is a good fit to write any comic book. You know who needs to write comic books? People who are fucking fans of comic books and have been for most of their lives. Why do you think Grant Morrison writes such iconic shit? Because he loves the medium and the characters and the ideals and all of that other bullshit. Max Landis has obviously read all of the Lobo stuff that I read growing up and he encapsulates it all in this simple exchange with Superman. Not only does he have no respect for the lives (or deaths) of others but he takes pure joy in his disrespect. Max Landis doesn't use Lobo like other writers in the past have, bringing him in simply to show Superman can pummel the hardest motherfucker in the DC Universe. He brings in Lobo to scare the shit out of Superman that somebody this callous can actually exist in the universe. If I knew what poignant meant, I might use it here incorrectly. Or correctly. The key point being I don't know what poignant means.

Eight pages in and this is my favorite Lobo/Superman conflict ever.

This is my favorite portrayal of Lobo in quite some time. Did I say that already?

Of course, this turns into a brawl. It has to! Superman has to, ultimately, show threats from outer space that he has the muscle to fill his goody two shoes. That's kind of a mixed-up metaphor and a gross image. Superman also manages to say "ass" on live television. Shocking!

The brawl is quite entertaining. Superman needed an early-in-his-career match against Lobo to learn about fighting dirty. It's not like Pa would have taught him it was okay to kick an opponent in the balls, or blindside them with a parking meter, or burn their thumbs off with your heat vision as they try to gouge out your eyes. This battle is an important life lesson!

Superman finishes the fight by throwing Lobo back where he came from. But Lobo is leaving without his space hawg so it might take him awhile to get back. Superman, on the other hand, has just enough time to get back into his Clark Kent costume before he passes out from swelling in the brain.

Later, Lois admits that she loves Clark Kent because they're meant to be together or something. Whatever. Blah, blah, love, blah, blah.

Was the Valkyrie part of this story the part where Superman escorts Lobo into space? Or was it the Lois part where she helps Clark not wind up in Valhalla? Is that part of their job too? Oh wait! I know the answer because the title is supposed to represent the role Superman is playing. I think. I mean, I guess Abin Sur could have been the Angel from last issue, right?!

Future Quest #1

How dare Jeff Parker pre-sign my copy of Future Quest without providing a certificate of authentication!

The Review or Whatever!
The Herculoids were one of my favorite cartoons as a child so I chose this cover. But if Blue Falcon and Dynomutt had been one of the choices, I would have picked up that issue. By the way, I hope Jeff Parker doesn't forget about Blue Falcon and Dynomutt! I'd rather see them than that little racist Jonny Quest, his imperialist father, and that bug-eyed dog!

I never actually watched much Jonny Quest so I'm probably projecting!

This comic book is the Laff-A-Lympics of Hanna Barbera's space and adventure cartoons. Unless Yogi's Great Space Race was that! No, that was just goofy characters from different cartoons in space. This is all the cool characters that weren't played goofy at all joining together to defeat Omnikron! Although Omnikron is kind of defeated in the opening scene, so it's really the characters coming together to defeat Dr. Zin of F.E.A.R. who is collecting pieces of Omnikron as they appear on Earth. To defeat this intergalactic menace, it's going to take the combined talents of Space Ghost, the Herculoids, Birdman, Race Bannon, and a couple of kids and their dog!

I was hoping to enjoy it more than I did but I think I'm of the generation where the only way I can enjoy the nostalgia of these characters is if they're presented in a modern cynical reworking of their personas! While reading this, I just kept thinking, "I should watch The Venture Bros. or Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law or Space Ghost Coast to Coast!" And now I'm just wondering why The Herculoids didn't get a re-imagining too! I don't think I'll be sticking with this one. I hope Wacky Raceland is more exciting!

Detective Comics #934

Did Bats choose the purple to match Selina or The Joker?

The Review or Whatever!
Writing a comic book is much easier than writing a totally new book because you don't have to sit in the coffee shop looking thoughtfully at the ceiling while tapping a pencil across your face thinking, "How white and male should the main character be?" With comic books, you just get your assignment and go, "Oh hey! My main character is so white and male! Easy peasy!" Even if you don't get handed a piece of cake assignment and your character winds up being some other skin tone or gender, don't worry! You can probably get away with writing the character exactly how you were going to write it already since the gender and skin tone are mostly the work of the artists! But now you should try to include one or two panels every issue where the main character shakes their fist and goes, "Eww! White males!" And even though that sounds pretty easy already, it's actually easier than that! Because the character probably has so much history behind it already that you'll have a team of editors telling you all of the things you can't make the character do. You'll probably screw up so many times, the editor will just snatch your pen out of your hands and scream, "Give me that! I'll just do it myself!" After that, you'll have plenty of time to come up with a totally new character for the new book you're going to have to write because you've just been fired.

James Tynion IV knows what I'm talking about! Not only did he not have to come up with Batman all on his own, he didn't even need to fill out an application or send in a resume to write him! He just had to be the most successful teacher's pet ever! Now I wish I hadn't rolled my eyes so much in college. Although my creative literature teacher was blind so it didn't hurt when I did it in her class. Unless she had a teacher's pet who always snitched on me and then that teacher's pet went on to write all of the comics that my creative literature teacher didn't feel like writing but still wanted some cash for so she made sure to point out what a great opportunity she'd given the teacher's pet as the only writing she engaged in was adding her name to the writing credits as co-writer.

This issue begins with Azrael being electrocuted in a church by a shadowy person that has stolen Batman's aesthetic. I am disappointed when it is revealed that it was a Batman Look-a-like because I do not like Azrael much at all. It would be a shame if Batman didn't get to kill him. It would be a real black eye to Batman's reputation. I know I am already behind the new impostor Batman due to his Azrael initiative.

Have you noticed the word "impostor" has been used a lot in recent issues of DC Comics? And that editorial has not demanded any kind of consistency in the spelling! Sometimes it's impostor and sometimes it's imposter! So unprofessional!

Is this Doctor Ozymandias again? Or is everybody suddenly into watching walls full of monitors? Maybe this is the second Joker!

Batwoman makes her first appearance since World War II. I mean the World War II comic book that she's in where she's more sports-minded. I was going to say literal-minded but a bat is also a bat which is a bat, so how is Batwoman any more literal than Batwoman? You see? Previous to her World War II fascination with baseball, the great American total borefest, she was a hunter of urban legends. Now that's a sport I can get behind! It's why my favorite hockey team is the New Jersey Devils. How many professional sports organizations have an urban legend as a mascot?! I'm also lying about the Devils being my favorite hockey team. The hockey season is too long for me to give a shit about. But I am enjoying the Stanley Cup this year because the Sharks are as close as I'll ever get to having an actual favorite hockey team. I think it's fair to only like sports during the play-offs or finals. Some people might enjoy calling other people names like fair-weather fan or bandwagon jumper or Mister Fatty Fatty Buy Two Seats. But I just ignore them! I mean, a seven game final series is just about half the normal football season alone! So somebody who watches the playoffs of any sports that uses a seven game series to determine the winner is already investing more time than a football fan. Man, those football fans are lazy assholes, amirite?!

I once went to an All-Star game! That's like seeing the entire season in one game! I also saw Rush at the Shark Tank one year but they didn't skate.

For some reason, Batwoman takes phone calls while she's out on patrol. Her father is trying to get her to rejoin the military (or at least his civilian contracted outfit The Crows or whatever they were called) because he thinks she works better in a team. I don't think she really did but Tynion has to set it up as if that's the way of things so it won't be weird when Batwoman accepts the invitation from the Bat-Gang instead of crumpling it up and throwing it in the corner while screaming, "Oh! Are you finally going to fucking acknowledge I exist, you assholes?! What's the angle?!"

Kate Kane discovers Batman hiding in the shadows of her house because he has no concept of privacy or sense of decorum. I guess that's essential to being a vigilante. How are you going to catch criminals outside of the law if you can't sneak into a few friends' places or crash through every single skylight in the city with no care at all about the dangers of leaving all of that broken glass everywhere?

Batman has decided to be friends with Batwoman because he has a mystery to solve and he needs Kate Kane to get ready for her act. Partially because the Mystery Drones were watching her as well as watching Batman and partially because this mystery might involve an urban legend about a conspiracy that threatens Gotham. It might also involve the Watchmen, what with all the discussion of people being watched and all.

Why does Kate keep her bananas with her potatoes?

Batman wants Batwoman to help train the dozens of Bat-Orphans who keep showing up on his doorstep. To get her to trust him, he reveals to her that he's her cousin, Bruce Wayne! He's then surprised that Kate already knew who he was. He's all, "How?!" And she's all, "You don't play doctor with somebody hundreds of times and not learn a little something about their body language! Oh, also, there was that whole thing where those people from another universe revealed to the world that Dick Grayson was Nightwing. Doesn't take a genius to connect those dots! I mean, some idiots who write and edit comic books might think it would take a genius but then they're not exactly geniuses themselves, are they?" I might not be quoting her exactly.

Next Batman has to introduce Batwoman to all of the Batchildren she never knew she had. Batman is all, "Meet Spoiler! Daughter of certifiable geniuses and a genius. Here also is Red Robin. Tactical genius of the genus genius-e-genius. Then there's Cassandra. Quiet but--and this may surprise you--a genius! And of course, Bluebird who is a rough and tumble street genius! And last and certainly least because he's definitely no genius...Clayface! Although on stage, total genius!"

Oh, I guess Bluebird is off learning to be a more refined genius so she didn't get the invite to Bat School. That doesn't mean she isn't any less of a genius than all of the other members! I'd feel a bit awkward if I were Clayface. He's the Rodney Dangerfield of this outfit. I hope the other kids include him in their beer poppers and their keg smashers and their finger bangers. Those are all terms for cool things cool kids do, right? I mean, of course they are! If you don't recognize them as such then you must not have been cool. Loser!

I wonder if just Adrian and Jon are behind The New 52. Could the "Batman" at the beginning have been Nite Owl? Will all the Watchmen who decided not to be blasted into non-existence like Rorschach have agreed that the Machiavellian methods were needed to save the universe? Probably not since the last page shows an army of Batmen who are behind Azrael's beating and the coming war on Gotham. Although the person leading that army is yet to be revealed. It's probably Doctor Ozymanhattandias.