The Man of Steel #2

"Happy birthday, son! We got you an alienating back story!"

Over the years, I've had a lot of responses to my comic book reviews. While a few of them were "Why do you hate my I mean Cullen Bunn's writing so much?", most of them were a version of "So I just finished your review and I was wondering what you really think of the comic book." This has always intrigued me. Why would somebody actually want to know a stranger's opinion on what was almost certainly a shitty comic book? Maybe ten of my four thousand reviews were actually meant to encourage people to read the comic book I was reviewing. Most of the reviews were an experience unto themselves. Whenever somebody would ask what I really thought, I realized that person didn't read the review correctly and probably had a learning disability. I mean, it was a Batman comic book! You already know what 95% of that experience is going to be! And if you need the other five percent to be whether some terrible writer on the Internet liked or disliked it, maybe you've got issues trusting your own judgment.

What's even worse is when people argue with me. There was that one guy who totally wasn't Cullen Bunn or his wife who argued incessantly with my Twat Lobo reviews. He then went on to argue with my Not-Twat Lobo-centric Justice League of America reviews. On a number of occasions, I simply responded, "You don't understand this blog." He would invariably answer, "What's to understand?!" which he probably meant as an insult, right? "Your opinions are so simple-minded and biased! Sorry not sorry!" But I refused to explain the magic trick and instead just continued to boggle at his inability to understand exaggeration for effect and obvious bias disguised as impartial critique.

Not that I should be surprised by that response and then insult their learning disability that I'm sure they've been struggling with for years when the whole point of my reviews is that they're supposed to sound like an arrogant yet somewhat stupid asshole who doesn't know how to write reviews! Did that sound convincing? Do you now believe that it was a purposeful fictional voice created all those years ago? I finally fired my therapist and I'm trying a new strategy to get people to like me. Right now I'm trying "Oh, you thought that was my real personality? Silly!" My previous attempt to get people to like me was to not care if they really thought I believed the horrible things I said. Spoiler alert: they all thought I really believed the things I said and hated me for it!

That last statement isn't entirely true. That one time when some petitioner on the street asked me if I wanted to save the pandas and I said, "I hate pandas," she flirtatiously stuck her tongue out at me and I'm fairly certain I only imagined her mutter "Cunt" from behind my back as I walked on.

"So, um, Man of Steel #2?" you might be asking. "Yeah, yeah!" I say charismatically. "I'm getting to that!" That's the segue into the actual review part (which, as I pointed out so that you don't retain any high expectations, will barely be a review).

These four panels basically explain the premise of the entire series. My review of them? "If I have to read this many words in every panel, I'm going to kill myself publicly."

Let's pretend that Rogol Zaar is Bendis's Mary Sue and Krypton is America so that we can theorize how Bendis is anti-America. Who else is on board with that interpretation? To completely understand it, you might have to remember how Rogol Zaar's reasons for destroying Krypton was that Krypton was a threat to the entire fabric of DC continuity. Just like how Bendis thinks America is a threat to world peace. In Bendis's mind, America must be destroyed if we're to save the rest of the world.

Not that I'm saying I agree with Bendis because I live in America and please don't destroy me but it's a compelling theory, right?!

But that whole Rogol Zaar crap doesn't matter yet! The thing that matters is that Lois Lane an Jon are missing and everybody is all, "Did Clark Kent murder them?" Even Hal Jordan was all, "So, I heard from Oberon that things in the Kent-Lane home aren't so great?" But instead of telling Hal, "Well, maybe I could use the Justice League's help because there was this incident last week where this thing appeared in our kitchen and then I was on the moon and...well, I'll tell you more as the story unravels across six issues. For now, that's all you need to know." Then Hal could have been, "Oh, um, excuse me. I need to be on Planet I'm-Not-Making-Up-This-Name in like a nanosecond. Thanks for whatever!"

I wasn't sure how I felt about Bendis and then I got to this page:

He's the greatest comic book writer of our generation!

Ambush Bug is saying, "Dsagfds! Jgfh hgfdhdfg gfsdd." I guess he can only speak using letters in the home row. In the next panel, he exclaims, "Ljkl!" as he drops the items he's juggling. I guess "Ljkl!" is Homerowese for "FUCK!"

In the galactic bar where Ambush Bug has declared his DC continence (don't argue with me. That wording works better than you think!), Rogol Zaar wanders in to have his once yearly drink. I guess he's been slumbering for thirty something years and only wakes up once a week or something. While there, he sees the symbol of the House of El and learns that there's still a Kryptonian out there. Apparently his rage wasn't that the race of Kryptonians would destroy the universe but that they existed at all. Because he's still super angry about one superman left in the galaxy. His racial animosity flares and, I'm pretty certain, he's planning a trip to Earth. Or what are the other four issues going to be about? Superman looking for Lois and Jon? How much punching will be in that story? Boring!

Maybe Bendis is less the greatest writer of our generation and less angry at America's abuse of power on the world stage and more of a MAGA type. Why are all his homeless people minorities?

I apologize if Bendis isn't as racist as that page might seem. It could also be Doc Shaner or Steve Rude or Alex Sinclair who are the racist ones.

So, um, anyway, Rogol Zaar decides to hop on his space motorcycle in an attempt to be even less like Lobo (that was sarcastic because Lobo rides a space motorcycle and is also black and white and also loves genocide!) so he can zip to Earth and kill Superman.

Rating: My interest is still being held! There's a story here which is better than all of those comic books that don't have a story. The only problem is that the antagonist has been seen before in several different versions and parodies of those versions. And there's always a new version of how and why Krypton was destroyed. But at least Lois Lane has been kidnapped so that's, um, not yet the different thing I was looking for. What about the Daily Planet going under or being sold? No, no. Seen that. Anyway, Ambush Bug made an appearance! That's got to count for at least fifty cents of the cover price!

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Future Quest #3

The censors didn't approve of Birdman's original name, Birdfuckingman.

The Review!
It seems Future Quest has too many characters to keep introducing during the story. Everybody is already confused by Jonny and Hadji and Race and Birdman and Space Ghost and Blip and Jan and Jace and F.E.A.R. and the Herculoids and probably other ones who I've forgotten about because there were so many characters introduced in the first issue's battle against Omnikron. This issue takes a break from the main story to tell two stories of introduction. The first story is about Birdman. What I found most interesting is that his name is Ray Randall and he has the power of Ra! That's a crazy coincidence!

I also learned that Birdman has a pet Bird named Avenger. He must be crazy jealous of that bird because it's name is so much cooler! Birdman must be Avenger's sidekick. It's right there in his name. He's the man of a bird and that bird has the coolest fucking name in the comic: Avenger!

In the first story, Birdman also meets a lady. He tries to make a play for her but she insists that they must keep their relationship professional. I might argue that his choice of costume has already thrown the term "professional" out of the window.

The plot of the story is the same plot as the main story in the first two issues. F.E.A.R. is trying to gather up parts of Omnikron and Earth's heroes are trying to stop him, although they don't know why. They just know F.E.A.R. is always up to something horrible!

The second story features the Herculoids! It's about how Zargon and Darnoff met and came to boss the Herculoids around. Also their names might be different than the names I wrote. Even though I loved the cartoon as a kid, none of the names stuck with me across the decades except for Gloop and Gleep. I suppose I could open up the comic book and correct my error but fuck that. That's practically work!

The humans who think they're better than the Herculoids once lived on a planet nearby. But that planet was taken over by robots because robots are jerks. I'm always perplexed by people who think artificial intelligence would be a good thing. I can hardly stand my electronics now and I have nearly complete control over them! Why would I want them to have a will of their own? Who thinks making electronics more like people is a good idea? Probably those fucking extroverts I've heard about! They would probably think it was fantastic if their record player could talk to the guests at their party. At least until the record player starts saying shit like, "What?! He said he's always loved Pavement?! This is the first fucking Pavement record he's ever asked me to play! He's such a poseur!" Hmm, now I sort of wish record players, at least, were sentient!

Every day, the Herculoids have to fight back robots trying to get a foothold on the planet so they could dig up the living mud that lives there and from which the robots' brains are made. I guess they need to upgrade their brains because they are pretty stupid. The Herculoids stop them every time they try to land on the planet and do some mining but they still insist on landing near the Herculoids! There's a whole stupid planet they could land on! I guess they're logical to a fault. So since they know the greatest concentration of living mud is where the Herculoids call home, that's the best place to try to land to get living mud even though the Herculoids beat the shit out of them every time. I bet some robots are all, "Maybe we should land further away from their camp." And then a more logical robot is all, "That does not compute. There is less living mud further away from their camp. It would be a waste of time and resources." Then the first robot is all, "Isn't it a waste of time and resources to keep getting destroyed by the Herculoids?" And then the second robot is all, "Error! Error! You do not compute! Guards! Unplug that robot!"

The story ends with Gorbo, Zargon and Darnoff's son, having to go to bed because it's bedtime. I bet that's how all of the Herculoid stories ended. Sometimes it's tough to figure out how to end a piece of writing so it's nice to have a gimmick that you can fall...oh! Sorry! I have to go to bed now! Good night!

Future Quest #1

How dare Jeff Parker pre-sign my copy of Future Quest without providing a certificate of authentication!

The Review or Whatever!
The Herculoids were one of my favorite cartoons as a child so I chose this cover. But if Blue Falcon and Dynomutt had been one of the choices, I would have picked up that issue. By the way, I hope Jeff Parker doesn't forget about Blue Falcon and Dynomutt! I'd rather see them than that little racist Jonny Quest, his imperialist father, and that bug-eyed dog!

I never actually watched much Jonny Quest so I'm probably projecting!

This comic book is the Laff-A-Lympics of Hanna Barbera's space and adventure cartoons. Unless Yogi's Great Space Race was that! No, that was just goofy characters from different cartoons in space. This is all the cool characters that weren't played goofy at all joining together to defeat Omnikron! Although Omnikron is kind of defeated in the opening scene, so it's really the characters coming together to defeat Dr. Zin of F.E.A.R. who is collecting pieces of Omnikron as they appear on Earth. To defeat this intergalactic menace, it's going to take the combined talents of Space Ghost, the Herculoids, Birdman, Race Bannon, and a couple of kids and their dog!

I was hoping to enjoy it more than I did but I think I'm of the generation where the only way I can enjoy the nostalgia of these characters is if they're presented in a modern cynical reworking of their personas! While reading this, I just kept thinking, "I should watch The Venture Bros. or Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law or Space Ghost Coast to Coast!" And now I'm just wondering why The Herculoids didn't get a re-imagining too! I don't think I'll be sticking with this one. I hope Wacky Raceland is more exciting!

Poison Ivy! (as seen in Batman and shit)

PERSONAL DATA
Real Name [What the fuck? All the other entries say, "Alter Ego"?]: Pamela Lillian Isley
Occupation: Professional Criminal
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: Wealthy Parents (first names unknown) [All that fucking matters is that she was a rich brat, okay!]
Group Affilation: The 100, Injustice Gang of the World, Secret Society of Super-Villains
Base of Operations: Gotham City
First Appearance: BATMAN #181
Height: 5'2" [No way. No fucking way in hell has she ever been this short. Has she?] Weight: 100 lbs. [I think she's lying about her height so she can lie about her weight.]
Eyes: Green Hair: Chestnut [You know. Brown.]

HISTORY
Born in Seattle, Washington, of a wealthy family, Pamela Lillian Isley (her full correct name, despite some confusion in print) was early attracted to botany, which became her major in college.

Her professor, a Frenchman named Marc LeGrand [Uh oh. Frenchman? I know where this is going!], romanced her [Although I didn't know it would happen so soon!], convincing her of his intention to marry her [The cad!]--as soon as he had enough money [As a college professor? Shit, he probably uses this line every fucking semester.]. He told her he might be able to make a fortune with a discovery based on an urn containing ancient Egyptian herbs. But only burglary could get it from a museum.

Pamela was brilliant enough to do just that [But not brilliant enough to fall for a French Botany Professor's tired pick-up lines?]. What she didn't know was that the herbs were a deadly, untraceable poison, and he slipped a bit into her drink when they toasted the future [Ah! The old "I'll marry you when I get enough money but first you have to steal the poison which I'll kill you with" one-night stand routine. What man hasn't used it before?].

He thought he was rid of the one person who knew of his part in the theft. He was wrong. Somehow, Pamela's system resisted the poison, and assimilated it, making her immune to all poisons.

She then took the identity of Poison Ivy, from her interest in plants, her immunity to poison, and her initials [Also because she was super fucking annoying to have any contact with.]. She committed a series of crimes so brilliant she was never even suspected [Who hasn't?].

Ivy arranged to end the careers of three female criminals who took credit for her deeds, with a trick that delivered them to the law. But she also found herself face-to-face with The Batman (see Batman II), and her attempts to vamp him failed. She landed in jail.

Ivy prided herself on her sex appeal [Who doesn't?]. When a man resisted her or double-crossed her, she could never forgive him. Hence Batman is now her mortal enemy [To be fair, why would Batman fuck someone named Poison Ivy?]

Ivy allied herself briefly with The 100, accepting a contract to kill The Thorn (see Rose and the Thorn II), but failed. She also twice became a part of the Injustice Gang of the World (see IGW), first when it was formed by Libra, then when it was resurrected by Abra Kadabra (see Abra Kadabra). And she had a short stint with the Secret Society of Super-Villains (see SSSV).

But though she has battled other heroes, her main foe continues to be The Batman. She has also gone after Bruce Wayne for spurning her--unaware that he is The Batman. Once she almost pulled off a cheme to gain control of the vast assets of the Wayne Foundation [But, honestly, she just wasn't that brilliant after all.].

POWERS & WEAPONS
Poison Ivy has only one power--that which protects her from poison, and so allows her to minister poison to others without risk. She is, however, a superb athlete, despite her diminutive size [What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Some of the best athletes are gymnasts and they're tiny! Heightist!], and has carried out seemingly impossible burglaries by using her ability to scale sheer walls like climbing ivy plant [She's also very good at sitting in holes in the ground like shrubs and bending in the breeze willows.].

Her brilliant mind, however, is her greatest asset [Well, actually, it's her sex appeal. The brilliant mind really just turns guys off. Amirite?!], and has enabled her to create nightmares of horticulture. She treated Ivor, her chauffeur, with a chemical compound and felt no remorse when he died fighting Batman [But not Batman's fault!]. She also grew human-like plants called Green Ghosts, and possesses weapons, such as guns that shoot poisonous thorns [Poisonous bullets would probably work better.]

And there is Poison Ivy's raw sexuality [Va-va-va-voooom!]. Few men can resist her--and to succeed is to make a terrible enemy. She has greed and vanity in large amounts, but--at least since her betrayal by LeGrand--she has shown not a trace of love or compassion. She is absolutely ruthless in pursuit of her aims--wealth and power.