Starfire #7

Am I the only one who thinks dirty thoughts when I see Starfire's index finger glinting?

I don't have any thoughtful things to say about the death of David Bowie. I never needed him. Just like I never needed Kurt Cobain. Or whomever people laud because they inspired people to be themselves. I suppose if Gonzo the Great ever dies, I'll break down and become the same kind of mess as fans of Bowie and Cobain. I do wish I could have appreciated David Bowie more but I just don't feel intense connections to people I don't know. Or people I do know. I do feel that with cats though! I was sad to hear that he died in a way that was more sad than when I usually hear a celebrity dies because I think we, the public, knew him more than one can usually know a celebrity. He did what he did not because of a well though out public relations plan to garner as much of an audience as possible to increase his wealth. He did what he did because that's what he was going to do no matter how many people fell in love with it. It's why I mentioned Cobain as well. They're artists that I didn't need and never fell in love with but I can appreciate from a distance. There's still a chance I'll fall in love with David Bowie sometime in the future and be incredibly sad that I didn't feel the same thing when he was alive. It's happened before with Walt Whitman (except for the part about him ever being alive while I was alive. It's just I never needed him and then, one day, I found a large percentage of what he wrote makes me weep). I don't think it will ever happen with Kurt Cobain. Lemmy wasn't on the list either (although he might be closer to my true hero, Gonzo, than any of the others). But there's a definite chance it'll happen with David. "Starman" and "Life on Mars?" are already indelibly printed on the earworm of my brain thanks to Walk Hard and American Horror Story: Freak Show. And I once wrote a parody of "Space Oddity" for one person, my friend Doom Bunny, whose brother once stuck him in a garbage can when he was little. You might already be seeing the parallels there.

In memory of David Bowie, this commentary will just be an hour of silence. So leave the page open for an hour and shut the fuck up.

Okay, you know what? That's probably a bad idea. Maybe I'll just say "fuck" less than I usually do.

Previously in Starfire, she made out with a dolphin and now she can speak it's language. Lucky dolphin.

That's a lousy fucking definition of time, you ignorant strumpet!

I'm not using "strumpet" as an insult in the previous caption but just as a factual noun that is based in fact and is a noun. Ignorant is sort of an insult but mostly justified in that she defined time as "a thing that prevents everything from happening at once." How could everything happen at once simply because time didn't exist? I mean, I'm not going to orgasm at the same time I stick my dick in somebody's mouth? No wait. That's usually exactly what happens. I'm sure I can think of a better analogy but I'm bored with this train of thought now. Let's move on to the next step in the logical progression of cause and effect which is changing the fucking subject.

Sol is in the Dolphin Friend Zone! Which isn't the worst place to be positioned in Starfire's life because she did suck face with the dolphin already.

Who thought "sucking face" was a good description of kissing? I bet one of the Universal Monsters coined it, right? Maybe the Creature from the Black Lagoon?

Starfire misunderstands some more English because she's cute and innocent but also provides complete sexual satisfaction which is what all heterosexual guys really want. They want a woman whose personality they can ignore while projecting their own idealized personality onto the woman while the woman performs lots of nasty sex deeds to their body like, um, touching the water willy or readjusting his faulty stabilizers. Heterosexual women might also want that but I wouldn't know because I almost always simply hear what I want to hear when a heterosexual woman is speaking to me. Although I think woman just want a guy who is able to take care of himself and also has a satisfying cock that works perfectly with her vagina. Although sometimes the cock part of the deal is so good that women will put up with a guy who obviously needs a mother. And a car. And a job. On the plus side, he'll already own the video game system and probably the bong.

Starfire and Sol are headed out to dinner on a sunset cruise ship. Also on that ship? Some spy! The reason the spy is important? Dick Grayson is after him! Uh oh! It looks like Dick is going to get in the way of another woman's sex life! He previously ruined Barbara Gordon's deflowering when he crashed Alysia's wedding. Now he's going to spoil Sol's chance at dolphin sex.

Uh-oh! Now Starfire knows how to speak "playa"!

Sol likes to think about his dead wife when he makes out with hot aliens which seems a little weird. Maybe he doesn't like to do that but his brain makes him do that anyway. It probably has something to do with mourning although I don't regularly think of my dead cat Judas when I masturbate. Yes, the "regularly" in that sentence is important.

All hell breaks loose thanks to Dick Grayson and the spies he was spying on. It's confusing because I think the artist screwed up and made Dick in disguise get on the getaway boat when he really didn't. Unless I'm just terrible at reading comic books which I don't think I am or else why would somebody have given me the title of Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

"Somebody" includes "me" so it's accurate.

Starfire recognizes Dick even while he's using his Hypnos so they're probably going to fuck. I remember a time when the New 52 was new and I was really excited to find out how Dick and Kory knew each other and what kind of relationship they had and how many different positions they used. But now all of that has worn off like the hymen on a man's ass after a drunken night in a San Francisco Turkish bathhouse. Some of that previous statement might have a few factual errors but you still might understand the sentiment.

Starfire helps Dick retrieve the briefcase he was after by floating above him while she watches him fight and fingers her clutch purse.

It's called "having an orgasm." I think.

Starfire blows Dick. Stupid period. You don't belong there! Stop ruining my sentences for a cheap laugh! Hmph. As I was trying to say, Starfire blows Dick's Spyral mission by destroying the gadget he was after. It was something that could be used as a weapon so she did the right thing. Dick knows she did he just doesn't want to get the kind of tongue lashing he's going to get from Matron that is different than the kind of tongue lashing he wants to get from the Matron. You know the kind! The kind that involves his butthole!

And then Starfire and Dick Grayson decide to relive their Marv Wolfman days.

But...you know...with better writers.

Starfire #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. Let's face it: sex sells. I think. Is that really true? I mean, I know it sells in places like Las Vegas and Reno and Tijuana. But does it really sell products that have nothing to do with sex at all? Why would people see a commercial for golf balls that stars two men fucking in the shower in the club locker room and think, "Yes! I need Titleist!"? Maybe I should stick to saying things I know are true instead of cliches like "sex sells." Although if I only wrote true things, my commentaries would simply be the name of the comic book and one sentence that reads "Scott Lobdell's writing is awful." Would posts like that, two to three times per day, hold anybody's interest for very long? I for one can't get enough reminders of how horrible Scott Lobdell's writing ability is! I wonder if somebody sells a 365 day calendar of that?

New Suicide Squad #15

I'm not bragging when I say I could draw a better cover because this cover is crap and I draw slightly better than crap.

Deadshot, Boomerang, Harley, and probably Parasite have decided to work with Amanda Waller because she's offered them their freedom if they help her destroy Vic Sage. She must have been crossing her fingers when she made that deal because the Suicide Squad movie is just on the horizon and it stars Harley, Deadshot, and Boomerang. So fans of the movie are going to be expecting those characters in the Squad in the coming year. Although they might be surprised to find Floyd Lawton looks less like the Fresh Prince and more like Pornstache.

The team is headed to Dallas to find evidence linking Vic Sage to a company that is in direct conflict with the Squad's goals. That's the kind of thing that employers frown on. Like when you're a cook at Burger King and you've got a second job writing ads for McDonalds where Ronald takes a huge dump on the Burger King's head. I'm sure those ads exist but they probably only air in other countries like Belgium and Croatia. You know, countries where shitting on other people is seen as insulting.

This is why I read shitty comic books!

I still find it fun reading and writing about shitty comic books but I definitely find it less fun at times than I used to find it less fun. If you know what I'm saying. Like right now, I'm interested in reading this issue and I want to write something funny about it or me as I do it but I also want to just sit in front of the Xbox and play some Blood Bowl. I also feel a bit stressed about how much work I should put into each commentary when previously I would write really short ones if I simply had nothing to say. Now I feel like I need to say more! And yet, I also realize that shorter is better on the internet! And then I've got a huge stack of comics because I'm so far behind and DC Comics just won't stop for one fucking week with the new comic books! It's like they're obsessed with them! I keep telling myself that I'm going to take a few days one week to just do a bunch of really short commentaries on a bunch of books to make some headway. But when I sit down to do that, I'm really eager to read and write about comic books. That translates into writing way too much on the first comic book I read, really enjoying the finished work, and then patting myself on the back and going off to play Call of Duty for four hours. Maybe I should set a timer and just do some speed reads! I bet those would be fantastic! Especially for me and for people who love to type "TL;DR"!

The entire team is pretty fucked up right now. Deadshot can't shoot straight. Parasite can't suck energy. Boomerang is a stubborn asshole who will probably betray everybody else at the drop of a cream pie. And Harley Quinn is a depressed clown that has lost the ability to laugh and/or shove things into her clown car. It's a pretty sorry state of affairs but for a government task force, I'd say it's above par.

Toothpaste! Err, Two Shades! Um, Tush Aids? What do fencers say when they stab each other?

Boomerang and Harley are trying to find something to jump start Parasite's powers. But Harley is acting like a total rag so Boomer says something to her that's similar to me calling her a rag and she gets totally pissed off for some reason. I don't know why but women hate being called a rag. I tested it out at Starbucks and was slapped fifteen out of seven times. I got slapped a lot more than just once by each woman.

Waller and Deadshot have taken Miss Pesta, the CEO of Calvary, hostage so they can ask her some questions about Vic Sage.

Apparently Miss Pesta is a beast cursed to find somebody who will love her.

Waller learns that The Pearl Group (I don't know which group is the top corporation. Pearl. Corvus. Calvary. One of those) wanted to see the end of the Task Force X program because they kept screwing up their shady international business. They heard Vic Sage was unhappy in his role with Task Force X so they formed a team to bring down the Suicide Squad. Miss Pesta doesn't give a shit about it anymore and just wants to wash her hands of it all. So she's selling out Vic Sage and asking Waller to just call it a draw.

It sounds like a writer is tying up loose plot threads! Is Ryan's time on the book almost up?

Miss Pesta points out that world governments have lost all power to corporations so The Pearl Group is more powerful than Amanda's bosses. The issue ends before Amanda can strike a deal with Miss Pesta which allows the Suicide Squad to work for the Pearl Group. So I guess Sean Ryan has at least one more issue in him so he can get that plot point working and the Suicide Squad can stop working for the government.

Meanwhile in Belle Reve, Vic Sage has set Black Manta free so that Black Manta will kill Waller for him. Hopefully Manta will just go back to trying to kill Aquaman and completely renege on the deal.

New Suicide Squad #15 Rating: No change. This issue had a lot of people sitting in an office talking. It wasn't the enjoyable kind of talking that I clamor for where people say witty dialogue and then somebody responds with wittier dialogue and then somebody references Shakespeare and I think, "Was that a line from Ren and Stimpy?" Then maybe somebody sucks somebody else's genitals and I spend five minutes in the bathroom before getting back to the comic book. Those are the kinds of comic books I like! I wonder why I'm reading so many DC Comics then? I must not like having fun!

Green Arrow #47

Sticks and stones would make more sense if Tarantula's super power had something to do with rocks.

Today, Matan4il responded to something I said on Tumblr with "Uh...tessatechaitea, were you being sarcastic and I missed it?" Then the person went on to explain why I was an idiot if I wasn't being sarcastic. You really have to appreciate how the humorless are sure to begin responding to something by taking a shot at you. I get the tone of your question, Matan4il! I hear you calling me a fucking idiot who is too stupid to get sarcasm right! Obviously it's easier to point out how stupid somebody is being than checking the person's blog to see the tone of it before making a judgment. Although it is much easier to assume I'm a dolt and then ask me to clarify thus pulling me right into your stupid fucking issues. I'm sorry for entertaining myself in a public forum! It won't happen again!

It especially won't happen while I'm reading Percy's Green Arrow. I certainly won't be having any fun while reading this garbage.

Wait. When did this happen? Did I miss the issue with the love story in it?!

Green Arrow has been captured by the Bone Hunters and thrown in a dungeon with his dog George. He helped Tarantula and her cousin escape even though she seemed to admit that she brought him there to trade away his life. George was captured because his bones are worth more than the normal dog bones for some reason. I think he's part werewolf or something. There was an origin story about it. I've forgotten it completely.

Tarantula decides she needs to save Oliver because they fell in love on the road trip. Or while they were captured. Or while they were arguing constantly. I'm not really good at reading signs so I don't know when they actually fell in love. I still thought they barely liked each other!

While I'm still confused from the sudden romantic subplot, Percy decides to shove in an origin story for Jefe, the leader of the Bone Collectors. Is the guy really interesting enough to need a backstory? Do I fucking care about this guy? I barely care about Green Arrow!

Working around drugs gives you cancerous semen?!

Jefe saved his child by praying to a Mayan god of death named Ah Puch. He taught him the medicinal properties of bones. Not only did his bone medicine cure his baby, it also proved the most addictive drug in the world. And so he sold it on the street and made billions of dollars and lived happily ever after. Until the day he overstepped his power and kidnapped Green Arrow and his dog George to use as powerful Day of the Dead sacrifices. If only powerful people had some way of knowing when they had enough so that they could continue to live happily ever after. Why can't they see retiring is a good thing? Doing nothing is awesome! There should be an off switch on ambition. Hell, in my case, I need an on switch for it!

"Scientific statement. Unscientific statement that some people might believe. Third completely nonsense statement that now sounds somewhat factual."

I suppose "ore of life" might be a metaphor for stem cells but I'd have to understand poetry to know for sure. I would think the testicles or the ovaries carried the actual ore of life but then maybe I'm too literal for this poetry nonsense!

Green Arrow responds to his upcoming sacrifice by saying, "You want my bones, but I'd rather give you the finger." I think it would have worked better if he said "a finger" but what do I know? Poetry, remember?! Bad at it, I am!

Jefe explains that bones are powerful artifacts and then brags about all of the different bones he has in his collection. He's rather vague about most of them. You'd think he'd cherish his collection a little more by announcing which kings's bones he had, or the names of the demons and murderers, or the name of the chieftain killed by the lion whose bones he has. He even says he has the bones of the dog who traveled with Lewis and Clark but refuses to give him his name, Seaman. Isn't part of the power within the bones due to their names? Maybe I've been doing magic wrong my entire life! It's possible since I learned everything I know simply by listening to Blizzard of Ozz ten thousand times.

Just before Ollie is sacrificed, he realizes that people will do anything for love. Except for that one thing. I never did know what that one thing was. I have a feeling it involved the anus. Speaking of Meatloaf, have you ever been to karaoke when somebody decided to sing "Paradise by the Dashboard Light"? That fucking song should be outlawed at karaoke joints. It feels like it's twenty minutes long and it's super repetitive! Audience members should be allowed to walk up on stage and kick people in the crotch when they choose karaoke songs that last more than four minutes. I almost said three but I thought I'd be generous in my make-believe laws.

Oh yeah! Also just before he's killed, Tarantula saves him from getting killed.

Maybe the one thing Meatloaf wouldn't do for love was say he was sorry.

Apparently Jefe's henchmen are zombies which is why it was okay for Green Arrow to kill them. Although did he know that beforehand? How did he know that? I think I keep missing things that are important to this story!

Because Jefe isn't able to make a sacrifice to Ah Puch, Ah Puch takes the life of his son who rots away in seconds. Pissed off, as he should be, Jefe renounces Ah Puch. It's a really poorly thought out decision that he shouldn't have made while not thinking clearly due to his son's death because Ah Puch sends all of the Death's Head Moths to devour him. It's gross.

This is even grosser.

Green Arrow #47 Rating: -1 Ranking. Where did this love story come from? Am I just supposed to assume that when a man and a woman spend any amount of time together, they automatically fall in love? I guess that scene at the border crossing where Ollie jokingly says they're on their honeymoon was all it took for Tarantula's heart to get all aflutter? Maybe all the times I read the sound effect "flutter" in this comic book, I mistakenly ascribed it to the Death's Head Moths' wings when it was actually the lovers' hearts! DC has broken up a lot of believable relationships and given us a lot of unbelievable ones. This one might be even worse than the love story of Wonder Girl and Superboy. I said might be!

Earth 2: Society #7

Where does your dick go when you fuck a Mother Box?

I know that's not a Motherbox! What kind of a sorry excuse for a comic book nerd do you take me for? Jimmy has obviously invented the Earth-Too Rubik's Cube.

Is this Wilson's final issue of Earth-2: Society? For his sake, he'd better hope so because I'm getting super pissed at having to read his boring fucking bullshit. I'm so angry that I have to read this! It doesn't help that I spent all day yesterday sick from either having ingested milk with my Superman cereal or allergic to something in the air or simply had a fucking migraine from getting very little sleep while stupid Tim and his stupid fucking assistant rebuilt the kitchen. Fucking noisy cocksuckers.

Every time I call somebody a cocksucker, I immediately think, "Why is that an insult?! People who suck cocks should be lauded and praised!" Even though it sounds so good being yelled at somebody (probably because of the double hard "K" sound (or is that what makes it funny?)), I should probably stop using it as an insult. I wonder if I've ever actually called somebody a cocksucker in anger in real life? I highly doubt it. I think the only thing I've ever called somebody in anger was motherfucker because the worst thing I can imagine putting them through is fucking my mother. But cocksucker? That's the kind of thing you call your friend when he shoots down all of your bombers in Axis and Allies.

Oh! Oh! Get how this issue opens! It's fucking Melville on toast!

Please fucking indulge them! For god's sake, be interesting!

Green Lantern continues his thought about how he's the heart of this new planet which screams out for protection. No it doesn't. Get your own dick out of your mouth and try thinking about the planet from its own point of view. Oh wait. It's a planet. It doesn't have one. It's just a hunk of rock which you transformed into a hunk of rock with green shit clinging to it. What does it really matter if Jimmy Olsen transforms the planet back into a replica of Earth-2? It harms nobody but your own ego, Green Lantern. It's as if somebody took a child's drawing and sprayed white out all over it so they could draw something more comprehensible upon it. Okay, so that sounds like a bit of a dick move but it doesn't matter in the long run and the kid probably won't remember especially after you soothe it with a bowl of ice cream and as much Sponge Bob as it can stand.

Well, at least he's being honest with himself. "The continents of my soul." Christ, Green Lantern, who do you think you are? The Walt Whitman of Earth-Too?

Huntress and Red Arrow are helping Jimmy Olsen transform the world back into home. For some reason, they believe they can trust him. But I have a feeling that putting his dick in Batdad's Earth-2 back-up cube will have repercussions of a disgusting nature.

The battle that was taking place in Erebus City wraps up because they're needed in New Gotham. Doctor Impossible's delaying tactic didn't get him as long a delay as he'd have liked but I guess that's what happens when your delay tactic is a guy on drugs, a girl who doesn't want to do the dishes, and a ugly emo guy. It seems Jimmy Olsen isn't as smart as he thinks he is pitting that group against The Flash and Superman. Also Batdick but, really, who cares about Batdick when you've got Flash and Superman? Aside from DC Comics' accountant.

Even though Superman keeps harping on about how they don't have time to battle Hourman, once they get to New Gotham to help, he decides to have that conversation with Kara he's been putting off for a year.

And, of course, she still believes the stupid bullshit she was told by horrible people. Although it's stuff which should make her feel sympathy for Val instead of anger but sympathy doesn't play well in comic books. Why can't sympathy cause more punching?

Red Tornado flies in to help because she's important to the story too for some reason. This must be the big finale since everybody is gathering together in New Gotham. Except for Hawkcop. Maybe she'll fly in at the end with the cavalry. Although that would mean this is only part one of a two part finale. So forget Hawkcop. I'm going to hope she's lost in the jungle still searching for the missing ship.

As the Genesis Machine begins to transform Earth-Too into, presumably, New New Genesis, The Huntress begins to realize something is wrong. She and Red Arrow instantly switch sides and ask that everybody forgive them for having horrifically bad judgment.

The battle could be over in just a few seconds if Power Girl and Superman would stop fighting. They must have been told to back off for a bit because the comic book needed to be twenty pages long.

Oh good. They worked out their problems while their friends were getting their asses handed to them. How nice.

The biggest problem with comic book tropes is how fans accept and embrace them. "Well, what do you expect? That's comic books!" As if the way a comic book story should be told was handed down by god on high and we just have to accept them. With all due respect to Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, they aren't gods. We, as humans, have the power to change how comic book stories are told! Heroes don't have to constantly fight other heroes! Or, if one of them in particular usually acts that way, maybe the others should shun that hero? Like how nobody ever liked having Guy Gardner on the team because he was a complete tool. Or maybe they should learn to hash out their problems in private instead of waiting until the world is in danger to work through their issues with each other?

Working together like a society who promotes justice, the heroes manage to destroy Batdad's Back-up Drive and imprison Newest God James Olsen in Green Lantern light. All of the normal people standing around watching instead of running for cover high five each other and point and ask for autographs.

So incarcerating a person forever by the heroes own whim is justice? Is there some kind of law against terraforming this world? If so, how come Green Lantern wasn't arrested?

Who needs law when you have superheroes who know they're fighting for right and justice? Obviously the populace has nothing to fear because they wouldn't be called heroes if they didn't have a finely tuned sense of ethics! I'd be more comfortable allowing heroes to incarcerate supervillains without any trials if they would treat other "heroes" as supervillains when the other "heroes" did shit that endangered the public. Like maybe throw those Teen Titans in juvie for a bit. That'd go a long way to earn a bit of my trust back.

Earth 2: Society #7 Rating: No change. Oh shit! How many issues of Earth-2 (including World's End) have we had to endure without a Justice Society? About five million, I think?! It looks like they might finally be forming their little Justice League! Although judging by the way things have been going in this alternate universe, somebody is going to begin bickering with somebody else and they'll all get pissed off and go back to living in separate cities with their grudges for roommates.

Swamp Thing #1

I recently mentioned that "The Anatomy Lesson" was when the Swamp Thing finally became interesting and relevant. So it's a shame that Alan Moore isn't writing this mini-series. Instead, I'm going to have to put up with Len Wein on scripting duties. Seriously?! What does this guy know about Swamp Thing?! Oh sure. He created the character. But who cares?! Rob Liefeld created Deadpool too! But can you imagine Liefeld writing Deadpool as the character he is today?! It would be a disaster! Now imagine if he were drawing it as well?! Hmm. Hey, Marvel Comics? I know you're not reading this because nobody in the business reads this. But just in case you accidentally are reading this because you thought it was an important piece of journalism by Comic Book Resources or one of the other shit comic book websites, could you get Rob to draw and write a Deadpool mini-series? I'd really appreciate it because I could use a good laugh.

Liefeld and Deadpool probably isn't the best analogy to Len Wein and Swamp Thing because Len Wein is respected in the comic book business. But he is older and I'm always a bit worried when I'm reading something written by somebody returning to their halcyon younger days. Remember how Marv Wolfman sucked his own asshole dry in the Trigon Villains Month book? And I hate to say this because I loved his Suicide Squad run more than I love my own mother, but John Ostrander didn't really big much of a passing game to his Others scripts. And by "passing game," I don't mean American football. I mean passing as in grades and he didn't get an A at all. Or any of the other letters that aren't F.

But I'm hopeful! Hope is all I've got! And Faith! And Demeter! Although Demeter hates when I only tip her in ones so I tend to sit at Hope or Faith's stage.

The story begins and I think somebody told Len Wein he was writing a book of poetry. That isn't a compliment. It's an observation. He goes on about the swamp being Mother Nature's biggest brat and how a freight train toots and toots its sad toot because it can't find its way home. Which is stupid because trains don't have a lot of selection in the paths they take. Then he snaps some heron's wings with his words and allows a few bullfrogs to fuck and shows some scary alligators just before he uses the word "antediluvian." It made me do the jerking off gesture five or six times as I read it. But then I came to the last panel on the page and I thought, "Hmm. I might really like this. I think he snuck a mood in somewhere while I was jerking off a ghost."

The look and sound of the narration almost fools my fingers into thinking they're touching newsprint.

I like that he calls him a monster right off the bat. I like that he puts him alone in the midst of so much life. In this one page, a new reader already has a feel for what it must be like to be Alec Holland. He could have begun with Swamp Thing narrating his own story. "My name is Alec Holland. I used to be human. I am man no longer! I am sad! So sad! I love but am unloved! Woes me!" That's probably how I would have begun the issue. I also would have probably kept Swamp Thing unrevealed until the second page which would be a splash page of Swamp Thing fucking a knothole in a swamp tree and looking over his shoulder in surprise.

I wonder why DC never responds when I send them scripts?

Oh! Um, back the monster thing. I think DC has done a disservice to the character of the Swamp Thing by portraying him as another one of DC's heroes. He is not a hero. He is a gardener. He's a caretaker. He shouldn't be involved in fist fights and end of the world battles. Although I'm not the editor of Swamp Thing so I'm probably wrong. I guess he's whatever DC wants him to be! What do I know?! I'm only grandmaster at reading comic books, not writing them!

The second page of this issue is a brief synopsis of Swamp Thing's origin which is fine, I suppose. It's nice to get it out of the way quickly while setting the tone. Wein makes sure to get the "muck-encrusted mockery of a man" line in there because it hasn't lost its awesomeness. What a great descriptor for a character. Although it might be a little sad that Len Wein is still using the line forty five years later.

This is probably a smarter decision than the knothole idea.

I'm pretty shit when it comes to commenting on the art but Kelley Jones really is a natural for this book. And I almost never mention the colorist because why the fuck should I? Usually reviewers do it simply because they feel they're not doing their job if they don't throw a bone to the colorist and letterist. But I'm going to praise Michelle Madsen for the palette being used on this comic. The whole thing is a throwback to Swamp Thing's early days when he was simply a monster in love and not a member of Justice League Dark and righter of eco-wrongs.

Oh, um, Rob Leigh can like type or something? He puts letters down good?

Swamp Thing tussles with the alligator not to show his strength but to show his anger tempered by mercy. I hope Superman is watching.

Can I digress for a second? What the fuck am I doing? I don't need anybody's permission to digress! I'm digressing, dammit! I created a Bretonnian Blood Bowl team earlier to play a Solo League (I do too have friends! I have other teams for multiplayer leagues, smartoff!) and I called them Justice League Bretonnia. In their first and only match so far, Batman was sidelined by the refs for committing a foul. It was totally accidental because I didn't realize I was moving him onto a downed opponent's square. I just shook my head and thought, "Oh Batman! Can't walk away from a good beating, can you?" So he was out for the rest of the match eating Batnachos in the penalty box. Of course he got MVP at the end of the game. Because he's the Goddamned Batman!

Swamp Thing has retired from doing the Parliament of Trees' grunt work because this is Len Wein's Swamp Thing! He isn't going to fucking deal with all of that Alan Moore bullshit! This is a comic book about horror! It isn't supposed to be about politics and bureaucracies! But some thing there is that doesn't love a Swamp Thing who doesn't work with the Parliament of Trees. Which means somebody has to chastise Swamp Thing for abandoning his obligations.

Don't tell me Madame Xanadu sent the Phantom Stranger. Did she see the end of the world if her garden doesn't grow some spectacular cucumbers?

Do you think Kelley Jones ever zoned out while drawing only to realize when he was done with a panel he'd drawn Killer Croc instead?

Swamp Thing hears a scream and Phantom Stranger decides he's done his job and delivered his warning so fuck whoever needs help. He buggers out while Swamp Thing rushes to help a woman whose husband is sinking in quicksand. Remember quicksand?! Remember when every adventure story had somebody nearly sinking in quicksand? Has anybody in the world ever died in the stuff? Does the shit even exist?!

The couple Swamp Thing helps actually came to the swamp to find Swamp Thing. He decides to stick around to hear their story for some reason. Probably because their name is Wormwood.

The Wormwoods had a son named Lazlo who went to Crowley University which is exactly what you think it is based on the name. He was taking a class about Resurrection and volunteered to be killed as the class project. Unfortunately, the class couldn't bring him back to life and he sat on life support in a coma for weeks. Eventually the plug was pulled and Lazlo didn't die. Instead he murdered his professor and disappeared. The Wormwoods would like Swamp Thing to find their boy and maybe learn a lesson during the adventure.

So Swamp Thing enrolls at Crowley University. I hope he pledges a Floraternity. Although he might not have much time for shenanigans because he discovers Lazlo murdering to ex-classmates on his first night on campus.

No! Not...Zombie!

Did nobody tell Len Wein that zombies are on the way out and adult coloring books are on the way in?! Swamp Thing should be battling The Colored Book!

Zombie tears Swamp Thing in half and then walks away to find some other people to blame for his condition other than himself for being a weak-willed idiot who enrolled at a place called Crowley University.

Swamp Thing #1 Rating: This is definitely a throwback. It's a caveman of comic books! It's meant to be and it works. Although I have no idea how well it will work for kids who have never really experience comics from the seventies and early eighties. They might be confused by the narration boxes because they'll automatically assume Swamp Thing is thinking them. And they'll wonder why the colors aren't as crisp and clean as they're used to. And they'll wonder why the art is so dark, especially in the faces. And they'll wonder who the fuck Len Wein is. And they'll scratch their heads thinking, "Did Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea actually like this crap?" Yes. Yes I did like this crap! I was a bit underwhelmed by the revelation that the enemy is a zombie but what should I expect? This is supposed to be a horror book! I hope next issue, Swamp Thing battles the Werewolf!

Batman and Robin Eternal #14

Fish mouth. Left Batleg way too fucking long. Weird, incomprehensible smoke wafting out of an object. Just enough style and competency for Fangenders to rave about it. Must be a David Finch cover.

The internet is so full of free shit that nobody should be surprised when people feel entitled to it all for free. So I'd like to thank the people who are supporting me for doing something which I love to do but really can't see doing for much longer if it doesn't provide income. I guess I spend a lot of time playing Call of Duty and masturbating for free but I'm uncomfortable turning those hobbies into revenues sources. For one, I'd really have to bone up on my trash talk on Call of Duty. I suppose all the things I say to myself after masturbating would work! "You suck! You're garbage! You should just kill yourself, you pathetic, lustful, hellbound monster!" Well, most of it would work.

Anyway, the reason I decided to use Patreon for revenue was because most sites probably won't mind me criticizing a comic book but they might think twice about me criticizing a writer's mother's vagina and the writer's father's malformed penis (the writer I'm talking about knows who he is). The other option which most people use is advertising. Fuck advertising. For one of the few really popular sites on the web, I could see advertising working just fine. They could pick and choose who they want to advertise with them. They'd have total control. But as small blog on the web, I feel like I wouldn't have enough control over the ads that would appear on the site. Besides, Google wouldn't let me use their advertising service because, apparently, their advertisers don't want to show up on sites that are adult. I'm not using "adult" as a euphemism for "porn." I mean "adult" as in writing that speaks frankly about things adults talk about. And by "adults" in that last sentence, I mean "most likely non-American adults because American adults are fucking prudish, childish grownups."

I'd still like to provide my "reviews" for free but it's a compromise I have to make so that people who pay get something more than people who don't pay. Because I prefer receiving one dollar over a bunch of likes and reblogs. What kind of capital is that?! What is the exchange rate on reblogs?

When this site began, it was mostly to get me writing daily and to help me remember the comic books (and to get more out of them than a quick ten minute read and done). Then I thought maybe I could build an audience for when I write something real. Then I realized I was writing something real a couple times a day every single day and it was how I wanted to spend my time writing. So now I'm asking for money. It may or may not be internet blasphemy but it's the choice I've made. You'd think it would be supported when you see the hundreds of thousands of reblogs on posts about how artists should get paid for their art. But, of course, those are reblogged by people who don't actually want to be the ones paying for the art they want to consume; they're by people who want businesses to pay for the art that they want to consume for free. You know what? Fuck those shits. Although here's a free Batman and Robin Eternal review for them (and everybody else!) to enjoy!

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Constantine the Hellblazer #7

Worst picnic ever. Which is pretty bad because picnics are shit.

Do Millennials know what picnics are? Are they even allowed to go outside? Do they want to?! I mean, obviously they want to get outside of their parent's supervision which means going out of their parent's house. But that's just to get inside somewhere else, right? Outside is boring and gross and probably Islamophobic. Not that I ever really wanted to go outside much in the eighties once I got my Apple IIe computer. But I sort of had to go outside to hang out with my friends because we weren't tethered by a mass of devices which provided instant communication with each other. We had to drag our asses somewhere else to speak face to face. It was awful! Although all the girls I had crushes on were friends of my female cousin so I always wanted to be at my aunt and uncle's house anyway. And all the biking I did riding BMX bikes up from the valley to the top of the Santa Cruz Mountains and, occasionally over the other side into Santa Cruz, I didn't really want to do! I mean, it made me fit and gave me a body that women wanted to have sex with, so that was a good thing. And it allowed me to spend time with my friends who loved the torturous ride up the mountain. And I did love the ride down the mountain even if it almost cost me my life on a couple of occasions! But all that exercise and outdoor air and weather and sun and crap?! I'd rather have been home playing an Infocom game or the new Wizardry!

This issue is called "Twisted Anatomy" which is probably some kind of sly wink at the time Swamp Thing became a character worth reading. I'm not going to argue with anybody who thought Swamp Thing was a good comic book before Alan Moore's "Anatomy Lesson" because you're wrong and I don't want to waste my time. Just suck up the loss this time and shake my hand and congratulate me on winning this debate and we'll get back to Constantine.

A couple of sexers are torn apart in a park by a bunch of evil dryads. "Sexers" is my word for "sexters" but who don't use a phone. Doing it in person--instead of masturbating while taking pictures of yourself and accidentally sending them to everybody in your phone book--is totally going to become super popular some day.

Constantine has just had some sexing too! But he didn't get torn apart by dryads.

John really is distracted if he thought any message he was receiving would have been appropriate to play in front of his lover.

I wish Ming and James would have John use his lover's name so I can speak about him like he's a real person and not just one of Constantine's accessories! I mean, Scott Lobdell would have rewritten the entire last issue in the first four pages of the next month's comic book. Not that I'm asking for that! I'm asking for something between not mentioning a fairly new character's name at least once and wasting four pages repeating shit that wasn't interesting the first time I read it. Like how about this for a compromise? Mention the guy's name one time!

Anyway, John's fucktoy discovers that Constantine's bathtub is clogged with Swamp Thing. Swamp Thing has a problem with the Green. That was an obvious statement, wasn't it? It's not like he'd come around for tea or some Netflix, right? So he tells John about some trees in Central Park that have been eating lovers.

Well, maybe not people. But some plants do eat meat, so what's the problem?!

Swamp Thing says some things that I could summarize really quickly but I'm going to draw out at length so that I have a bit of a word buffer before I insert another scanned panel that's just too adorable and vulgar for words and crotches. Central Park in New York City (not to be confused with Central Perk in Fake TV-Land New York City) has become closed to his Swamp-Thing-Sense. He needs Constantine to become Johnny Swampthingseed and spread Swamp Things jism all over the park so he can once again take control of it. That's probably enough words now.

These two are so cute together.

Constantine takes a bundle of little Swamp Things into the park to let them run wild and plant themselves everywhere to allow Swamp Thing to enter Central Park. The little Swamp Things are as cute as ever. They'll probably all be killed.

Constantine mentions the kid fiddling with the helmet of Fate which is a strange thing to mention when everybody in New York seems unworried about the flooding that's ending the world. Maybe this takes place after the first story arc of Doctor Fate ends which--extrapolating based on how long it feels it's run so far--forever and ever.

Constantine scares away some women about to have sex which is really disappointing. But I guess he needed their sexy mojo and then his urine to summon up the Dryads.

Ugh! I hated having to babysit newbies on their first trip!

The Dryads are just raving toddlers so Swamp Thing brings back the Mother of All Dryads to teach them to be peaceful. And just like that, the sexy tree adventure is over. It's really just another piece of evidence that John's New York is going full Ghostbusters.

After the adventure, Swamp Thing gives John some love advice. His advice is not to.

Constantine heads home thinking about the danger he's putting Oliver in. Oliver! That's what I though his name was but then I wouldn't allow myself the luxury of feeling secure about my guess because I assumed I was only thinking of Oliver because of John Oliver. Stupid brain is smarter than I realized.

John gets home and calls Oliver to break up. But Papa Midnite answers the phone because Oliver is naked and ready to be sacrificed with mystic symbols all over his chest and--oh yeah!--tied up at the moment. I knew there was a cliche in there somewhere!

Constantine the Hellblazer #7 Rating: No change. I'm sorry to wish death on poor old Oliver but we can't be playing now, can we? John gets all of his friends killed eventually so why should Oliver be any different? Okay, sure! I'll give you that he doesn't need to be killed immediately! He can survive this thing with Papa Midnite and then tell John that he's willing to risk a relationship with him and maybe even help him on some ghost hunts. He'll be all super into it and it'll make his dick as hard as rock and he and John will end every magical adventure filling each other up with come! But he'd eventually better fucking die, goddammit!