Action Comics #47

Obviously Wrath should be called "Fivefingers" or "One-Face."

Last issue, Wrath tried to convince Superman that her plan to infect everybody with Black Angry Heroin was benevolent. I'm assuming that this issue, Superman gets out a dictionary and reads the definition of "wrath" to Wrath and then suggesting some names she could have considered that would have made her more trustworthy. I don't know what those words would be because it was really the way she secretly went about her plan that mostly proves she's a lying butthole. Especially the part where all the Black Angry Heroin Shadow Warriors were trying to destroy Superman rather than trying to feed the hungry or hand out blankets and free feminine hygiene products to the homeless. But I get it. Sometimes the most productive thing you can do is burn shit the fuck down without worrying what anybody else thinks or what's going to replace the now burnt down shit. I mean, it's not really productive and it's actually more like a tantrum but you have to admit that sometimes tantrums work!

I also forgot that last issue ended with Superman about to battle Frankenstein! That's like the battle everybody has been waiting for!

Swing your sword and not your fist, dum-dum!

Oh! That's why Superman is suddenly battling Frankenstein. For the "monster" metaphor! See how it works? Superman looks human so everybody thinks, "Oh! He's a good guy! He's white and male and he protects us because we can't protect ourselves! Go Superman!" I mean, not currently. Currently everybody thinks Superman is a monster. But let's pretend Wrath is still trying to convince the world that Superman is a monster and that her job wasn't already done for her by Lois Lane (or, more probably, some kind of mass mind control). Frankenstein looks like a decaying corpse stitched together by a madman which is pretty much the definition of monster especially when you take into account all of the assholes screaming at me right now that it's not "Frankenstein" but "Frankenstein's Monster" which--as you can see!--has "monster" right in the name! But here's the even deeper twist that you probably didn't have time to think about because you tore straight into the comic book to see who wins the battle. Wrath's point is that Frankenstein looks like the real monster here but guess what?! He's actually a sensitive poet! Can you believe that?! Something so hideous can actually be super emotional and into writing poetry?! If that's the case (and it totally is because remember junior high, you poetry writing monster?) then that means Superman could actually be a sociopath (and it totally probably is because he's a white man in a position of power!)!

If you say something enough times, it becomes proof of itself! I totally believe Superman is a monster now!

Because Superman hasn't heard he's a monster enough times to believe it yet, Wrath decides it's time to tell Superman her secret origin. Then maybe he'll believe all of the stupid bullshit she's been spouting!

Wrath's story is how she grew up in poverty which drove her to become a lawyer so she could help people. But then Brainiac took part of Metropolis and put it in a bottle and she couldn't do anything about that. Only Superman could and yet he didn't (For dramatic purposes, we'll forget that he recovered the city later) which totally means he's a bad person because her mother was killed in the incident. To be fair, Wrath doesn't become a super villain at that moment because she still wants to work with Superman when she becomes mayor. But that's when Superman contracted the Doomsday Virus and, once again, defeated Brainiac. But he was much scarier this time because he physically looked like a monster which is probably when Wrath's brain said, "Hey! Look at that! He's a monster!"

To be fair to Wrath, I've been screaming about this for a long time now. When writers can't figure out a way to challenge Superman, they turn Superman against himself via mind control or magic or Apokolyptian energy or an alien virus or a Joker toxin. Writers might think they're just providing an exciting story for a few issues but they're really damaging the character. Because now stupid fucking story arcs like this one can come along where idiots who think Superman is an actual monster and not a hero have proof that Superman is dangerous. Superman should be a beacon of hope and trust. Stop fucking turning him into the bogeyman because now I have to read stories where bad writers continue your fucking thought for you. And the people now afraid of Superman aren't wrong to be afraid of him because he's always out of control! I hate that Batman's idea of Superman is constantly proven correct! Knock it the fuck off. Who do we have to blame for this? Is it Miller's Dark Knight Returns? Whatever the case, I'm sick of it.

I bet I'll be bored with Superman in just a few months if he's written as a beacon of hope though!

Supergirl did have a penchant for punching people in the face. And Superboy was created by NOWHERE to be a living weapon. And the other guy is...Zod, I guess? He was a threat in Superman Loves Wonder Woman for a bit!

See? Kryptonians are jerks who need to be stopped by any means necessary! I'm totally on Wrath's side now! Thanks a lot, past writers of The New 52 for making her horrible argument make sense!

Wrath finishes her argument by explaining how she got her power from Vandal Savage which completely ruins everything she said previously! If Vandal Savage is your Yoda, you're the bad guy!

Superman continues to fight against Wrath and her plan to turn everybody into raging Black Angry Heroin Shadow Warriors. So Wrath's next move is to prove to him that he's a monster by showing how his friends react to him!

Oh yeah! Look at that! Superman surprises the shit out of Jimmy by suddenly materializing in his apartment and Jimmy is shocked! Superman is scary! Point to Wrath!

Superman's plan to beat Wrath is to stop trying to fight Wrath and just accept his rage or something. I don't know. It's the same plan he's been using in every fucking story Greg Pak has written. Embrace his fear. Embrace his anger. Embrace his sadness. Hey Greg? Next time, can you at least jerk me off with a different hand?

Superman absorbs all of the shadow power everywhere and saves the day angrily! Vandal Savage happens upon the scene and doesn't like that his Angry Black Semen is being used for good so he takes it all back and puts it into his little box. He shoves Wrath in their for good measure because she failed him. And Superman is back to normal! I mean, normal in that he still has no powers and no spit curl and no cape and no character and no likeability factor and no reason for existing.

Action Comics #47 Rating: No change. The art was horrible. It was the worst part of this comic book! Oh, it was definitely a photo finish between the writing and the art but I'd have to give with win to the art. And by win I actually mean loss. Although the real loser is me because I paid $3.99 for this shit. I hate myself.

Daredevil #1

I really should be reading Vision over this comic book but I'm horribly out of touch with everything.

Here is what I know about Daredevil: he's a blind lawyer who lives in Hell's Kitchen who once banged Electra. Unless it was Electra who banged Daredevil. I just want to make it known that I don't care who the object of the banging was as long as there was banging. As far as the second person on the cover goes, I have no idea who that is. Daredevil's new sidekick, Stripes?

The first page explains everything the new reader needs to know about Daredevil. It says, "I am Matt Murdock. I am Daredevil." Oh, that was another thing I knew about Daredevil! I knew his name! He should go into court wearing a shirt with two big overlapping "M"s on it. Then he could wink to the jury and say things like, "Am I winking? I feel like I'm winking. If I'm not winking, imagine that I'm winking because I'm trying to wink and it really feels like I'm winking but I can't really tell, you know?" Then the hottest member of the jury will be all, "Oh yeah, buddy. You're winking!" If you couldn't tell by the way I wrote that sentence, the hottest member of the jury was a man and Matt Murdock was totally into it. He was all, "Matt Murdock? More like Matt More Cock, am I right?!"

I'm sorry if I've already offended any gay blind lawyers! And also I'm sorry if I've offended any DC Fangenders because, as you may have noticed, this is a Marvel book.

On the second page, Daredevil reminds me of the other most important thing about him! I can't believe I forgot about it because it used to be on every fucking cover of every fucking Daredevil book published when I was younger: he's the man without fear! Like Hal Jordan!

"Am I teabagging these thugs? Somebody tell me if I'm teabagging them! Is this how it's done?!"

Some gang working for some guy named Tenfingers have just thrown a kid named Billy Li (Billy's parents were obviously wise acres) off the Manhattan Bridge. You might be familiar with that name because it's in New York. New York is the universe where all of the Marvel stories take place. The reason I mentioned Billy is that Daredevil dove off the bridge to keep Billy from drowning. Now all of the gang members are worried that Daredevil has managed to waste their time and that Tenfingers won't be happy about it.

What kind of gang leader name is Tenfingers? It's not like it's something fucking special! I could be Tenfingers! Although I'm not because I wouldn't choose a stupid fucking name like that. I'd probably call myself One-Face or Two Kidneys! This is where a lesser comic would throw in something ridiculous at the end of the list, like Five Dongs or Four Testes! But I'm more refined than that and I'm trying to take my reviewing job more seriously in 2016. I want be more like other reviewers where I flaunt my intellect and writing skills and avoid being silly and whimsical. Save that shit for whenever it's more appropriate. Like maybe at a speech during your Godson's baptism or your best friend's marriage that everybody already knows is doomed to fail.

This is the part where Daredevil deals some justice outside of the courtroom!

I wonder how long it'll be until he battles Spider-man in a big mix-up?!

Tenfingers' gang is too numerous for Daredevil to deal with on his own so his sidekick helps out. His sidekick is invisible and his name is...no, you know what. By saying his name, I'm going to tank this commentary right back down into Stupidville because nobody will believe me for one second that Daredevil's sidekick is named Blindspot. Ugh. I feel like I should call up Charles Soule's parents and apologize for the embarrassment their son has just caused them.

I probably shouldn't call Charles' mom because I don't even know if Charles Soule invented Blindspot. Asking Lord Google, it appears Blindspot is female and has been around for over a decade. I guess Charles Soule is just too clever for his own good. I bet he cracked himself up teaming Blindspot with Daredevil.

Shit, I don't even know if it was Soule's idea! For all I know, Daredevil and Blindspot have been lovers for over a decade! Although I bet they've both battled Spider-man!

Daredevil uses the masculine pronoun when admiring Blindspot's technique so I guess Daredevil's super-senses aren't any good determining gender.

I guess Daredevil used Blindspot's power to make everybody forget about him or something he did or the late age he was when he finally got laid.

Apparently Foggy is the only one left who knows Matt Murdock is Daredevil. And he's not happy about it because he can't use the information to get laid anymore.

It turns out Daredevil was protecting Billy Li because Matt Murdock needs Billy Li to testify in court against one of Tenfingers' lieutenants. Also Matt Murdock is now a prosecutor for the universe of New York. Is this where I'm supposed to get smart and start discussing how symbolic it is that Daredevil is a prosecutor rather than a defendant? Or do I write what I'm honestly thinking about which is how big is Daredevil's penis?

While Matt Murdock makes plans to bring down Tenfingers' gang, Tenfingers makes a plan of his own! Although is "kill everybody in my way" really a plan? That's just status quo!

Tenfingers still doesn't make sense because he's Twentyfingers! And that's Blindspot behind him so I guess this Blindspot is a guy.

I'm only reading one Marvel comic book (sort of! But I won't get into the sort of here because it messes up what I'm going to say next) so I'm not going to rate it. That would be a waste of time because it would be #1 out of 1 comic books! It's the best and worst Marvel book I'm currently reading! Although I have a feeling Tom King's Vision is way better. Stupid me! I should be reading that!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #7

This issue is off to a promising start!

That caption up there? I hate it. I hate saying things that people say. But how is anybody going to understand me if I say things people don't often say? Which I often do! Then the person reading my blog sits there on their core strengthening balls with their mouths agape thinking, "Why am I reading this bullshit when I could be Candy Crushing my way to literal enlightenment?!" Is that something people say? I do sometimes like to type things that people say but only when I'm trying to write a believable hypothetical character. And speaking of believable hypothetical characters, let's take a look at the exact opposite of that with our guide, Scott Lobdell!

I don't know why he says "nien." Was he going to talk about Nien Nunb?!

Speaking of Nien Nunb, today I saw Star Wars Episode VII: Episode IV But Against A Bad Guy With Big Ears. Don't worry, I won't spoil it for anybody who hasn't seen it already (even though if you're on the internet, you've probably already seen it because you're obviously a huge nerd). I just want to say this about Kylo Ren: I totally get why you're wearing the helmet, dude. I mean, Darth Vader wore the helmet because it was some form of life support. Sure, it made him look bad-ass as well which, understandably, is why you, Kylo, are wearing the mask. Because underneath that mask you're just a huge dork who couldn't stand being told what to do by his parents and moved out to live with a bunch of other nerds that were big time into playing Magic the Gathering (that's a dorky metaphor for The Dark Side).

About twenty years ago now (yeesh!), I went to play Magic the Gathering at a coworker's house with his equally nerdy roommates. It was a huge mistake. I have a feeling they had one guy read the rules and that guy probably always scored about third grade level on comprehension tests in high school. The whole fucking game was house-rules and they didn't even know it! They just trusted this dimwit to explain the rules to them as he understood them (which wasn't very well). I gritted my teeth through a few games with them and then left them to play their super exciting decks that were all 50% lightning bolts. Fuckers.

This issue is called "All's Fair in Love and Robin War!" and I don't know how I got through typing that without busting my guts laughing. I might have shit myself but there were other factors to consider there and I, most likely, can't blame it entirely on Scott Lobdell.

Do you think Eddie Berganza actually finds these scripts funny or does he just pretend to read them as he jerks off under his desk watching cosplay videos?

Roy Harper built a holographic arrow com. Did you see that? I scanned it in so you could see it and read it. Did it pain you as much as it pained me? If not, look at it again! Look! It's an arrow standing on end with a holographic image coming out of the tip! Why?! Why does that have to be arrow-themed?! It makes no fucking sense! He's Arsenal! He's a Rockabilly Genius! Why didn't he make some Holographic Pants Cuffs?! Or Holographic Hair Grease?! Or Holographic Banjo Versions of AC/DC Songs?! He does know he can drop the arrow-themed gimmicks, right?!

Jason Todd doesn't want Roy Harper and The Joker's Daughter interfering in the Robin War. And since they never show up in The Robin War, my guess is that they don't interfere. But they probably get into some other kind of trouble! Really stupid trouble! The stupidest fucking trouble ever!

Is this stupid enough for you?

If I were looking for orphan boys in their early teens, I'd probably hit up an orphanage. I certainly wouldn't attack a circus because what would orphaned teenage boys be doing in a circus? Circuses are family gigs!

Roy takes out Phosphorous Rex with an Asbestos Foam Arrow because he's not allowed to kill anymore. But Jason Todd didn't say anything about forcing a guy with a fire head to breathe in filaments and fibers of asbestos so that he winds up getting lung cancer in thirty years! What is asbestos foam anyway? I realize you can make it into a fiber but a foam?! That seems to be pushing the limits of my credulity! Although I wasn't a science major so I'll allow it this time.

Roy then takes out Siam with a goo arrow that he calls a goo gun because he's a Rockabilly Genius. I was going to say "because he's not very smart" and then I remembered he was a Rockabilly Genius so that must be the reason he thinks an arrow is a gun.

He doesn't take out Big Top because Joker's Daughter needs to prove herself to Roy.

Fat villains only have this one move.

The Joker's Daughter saves Roy by nearly killing two of the members of The Circus of the Strange. She then pulls a shotgun out of her skirt to finish off Big Top but Roy stops her with a taser arrow. Later she points out how she wasn't actually going to kill anybody although she did smash a wheel into Big Top's skull and pierced the abdomen of Phosphorous Rex with the rest of the wheel. And then there's the matter of how she was running around with a shotgun stashed in her underwear. She might be a little bit too crazy to not kill no matter how much she says she doesn't want to. But this is the team for her because they "kill" villains constantly! It's just that Red Hood and Arsenal's victims always wind up alive at the end of the comic because they somehow survive the bullets and arrows in their brains and spines.

Roy decides to give Joker's Daughter a chance at redemption. Immediately after that, he and the Joker's Daughter are dragged under the streets of Gotham by lava zombies. It's no big deal. The Joker's Daughter recognized them and everything. They're probably just inviting them down for tea. I just hope that some asshole in Hollywood doesn't somehow think they'd be great in a movie leading to Scott Lobdell making more money on his shit ideas. I saw the trailer for Age of Apocalypse today and immediately got depressed. People still remember that shit fondly, don't they? If any of y'all out there do and you haven't read it since it was out, I'd recommend leaving it be. I've been revisiting the 80s New Teen Titans recently which I always remembered fondly and it is garbage. Mostly. I've gotten to the Who is Donna Troy? story arc and some things seem to be improving a bit. Maybe it's all the bits where Danny Chase was left behind!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #7 Rating: No change. This was my worst New Year's Eve ever! Why did I think reading a Scott Lobdell book was a good idea?! Oh! I know why it was a good idea! Because the new year can only get better after the ending to this year! Thank you, Scott Lobdell, for lowering the bar! Happy New Year everybody!

Justice League #47

Is this a redesign of Finch's Wonder Woman costume? I miss the "V for Vagina" skirt.

It's almost as if Geoff Johns has created an entire DC Universe to play in that's his alone. Nothing he writes in this comic book has anything to do with any of the other comic books in the DC You. Damn it must feel good to be Chief Creative Officer!

Previously, the entire Justice League became gods. I mean, if you think of the entirety of the Justice League as the white males because certainly Cyborg, Wonder Woman, and Power Ring didn't become gods. I think Hal Jordan didn't become a god either because he refused Mother Box's seductive offer. He was all, "Mother Box? Are you trying to seduce me?" And Mother Box was all, "BOOOM!"

Speaking of Hal Jordan, he's headed to Gotham to tell Batman that he's going to develop clots in his legs if he doesn't get out of the Batchair occasionally and walk around. But Batman is suddenly obsessed with sitting. It's like his ass is tapped into the universal internet and he's going to use it for justice. Okay, maybe not for justice so much as for sating his own curiosity, which is totally close enough. If you're Batman.

Why don't you mind your own fucking Bat-business, Hal?

The Batchair lets Batman know that Superman is being a huge dick and Batman doesn't respond with "I could have told you that, you stupid know-it-all chair!" Because Batman is currently trying to slap Wonder Woman around because she said she doesn't love him and also he noticed with his supervision that she was sexually aroused by Steve Trevor.

I know it's funny to laugh at Superman because he's often a dickhole but usually he's a well-meaning dickhole and most of his dickholery is due to being a somewhat naive farmboy. But lately he's been a different kind of dickhole. Lately he's been Earth's biggest enemy because he's constantly being mind-controlled or possessed by magic or infected with Doomsday Spores or getting his power stolen by bad guys to use against a xenophobic and mostly racist populace. Now he's been fundamentally changed by absorbing the power of Apokolips so that he's not even a pale shadow of his former self. Now he's just the villain that everybody on Earth-You already believes he is. Good job, Superman! I hate saying it but Batman was fucking right. The world is better off without you. I hope Ben Affleck kicks your ass in the upcoming movie.

While Diana tries to calm down her soon to be ex-boyfriend, Mister Miracle's Mini-Justice League are infiltrating Belle Reve so they can interview Ultraman and Superwoman. But their plan is going tits up because Jessica can't control Volthoom, her power ring. And Owlman is probably right around the corner biding his time! And Ultraman may have a small rock of Kryptonite ready to grind up and snort for one last burst of power. Since this comic book is akin to a blockbuster movie, a whole shitload more things need to go wrong before the good guys can win through. I hope somebody gets space madness next issue.

Wonder Woman is able to pacify Superman with her lasso before Green Lantern and Batman arrive.

Batman annoyingly finishes his thought on the next page which is "You're dying."

Who cares? Superman doesn't have to worry about dying because The Flash is now death! And why would The Flash kill his buddy Superman?!

The next shit to be dumped unceremoniously on the fan is the Anti-Monitor finally getting his act together. He was out of it for a little bit so that the Justice League members could tell their godlike new origin stories. But now the Anti-Monitor has returned and he's dying to sit in the Batchair. Also Cyborg is possessed by Grid just like Jessica was possessed by Volthoom. Superwoman blasts Mister Miracle and Big Barda with her Death to New Gods Vision while Ultraman's crying ass limps over to Superwoman's cell. That means only the one other living member of the Crime Syndicate is missing!

I knew he was fucking lurking around a corner. Creepy motherfucker.

Justice League #47 Rating: No change. There's a lot of flash-bang bedazzle going on in this comic book but The Darkseid War plot is just barely crawling along. Except technically that plot ended almost immediately because Darkseid died issues ago! Since then, it's all been set-up to get the Justice League ready to battle their--apparently--greatest foe ever: The Anti-Monitor! The League needed some power upgrades and some allies who were defeated by the Anti-Monitor once already. Johns was smart to bring in the Crime Syndicate because now the Anti-Monitor will be battling some people he can kill. My guess is Ultraman, Grid, and Volthoom will die in the coming battle. That way Jessica can stop having to fight her ring (although a piece of him will come out at a later date when more drama is needed!). And nobody cares if Grid never returns. Ultraman is the wild card because it's always nice to have an evil Superman that snorts Kryptonite hanging about in the DC Youniverse. But he's really not needed since Superwoman's baby's father is Owlman. I'm guessing this story arc ends in Issue #50? Will there be another company-wide reboot at that time?

This has been a free taste of my wonderful reviews! This one is free to, you know, try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As Distractedbyshinyobjects said once around the time I was a better writer than I currently am: “I also hate Scott Lobdell’s writing. But your reviews of his books are superlative comic book criticism.” That was probably before my hatred for Lobdell's writing had turned my brain into jelly and I stopped even trying to offer salient points of criticism. If you’d like to support me, please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It’s totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!

Batman and Robin Eternal #13

I wish I had a mark of Cain!

Who doesn't want a mark of Cain?! If I'd had a brother, I would have totally murdered him so that I would fall under God's protection too! Lucky Cain! Not only was Cain given God's protection, he was also driven out from under God's sight so that he didn't have to worship him! So he got out of going to church too! And that's just the beginning of the gifts Cain got! Cain was also "cursed" to not be able to do farm work! I wonder how many people you have to kill to be cursed to not have to do any labor at all?! Can I just declare that I did something so bad that I'm cursed even worse than Cain the way Lamech did?! "Oh shit! I totally took God's name in vain like a billion times! I'm cursed seventy-thousand fold more times than Cain. Now I need to go on disability!"

Maybe the assumptions I just made about The Bible are part of the reason the church didn't want any old stupid piece of shit peasant reading and interpreting it on their own. How angry must the church have been at John Wycliffe when he first translated the Latin into English and they began hearing the same stupid questions from ignorant dolts over and over again. Questions like "Where did Cain's wife come from if it wasn't totally his sister and since I haven't read Leviticus all the way through because--let's face it, guys--it's ficken boring, it's totally okay to bang my sister because it had to have been Cain's sister, right? Can you give me an answer quickly because the tip is almost in and I don't want to go to hell in...oh god yes it was worth it!" Also "How angry must the church have been at John Wycliffe?" is totally a question that can be answered because they were this angry at him: 44 years after Wycliffe died, the Pope ordered his bones dug up, crushed into powder, and tossed in a river. You might be thinking, "Holy shit! That's horrible!" But look at it from the church's point of view: now people like me are reading The Bible and pointing out how silly it is. I would never have taken the time to learn Latin just to make fun of The Bible!

Too bad for the Church (capital "C" because it's the one that killed millions to keep itself all powerful. We know which one that one is, right? *huge manga wink*), desecrating Wycliffe's body wasn't warning enough for the many people over the following centuries who continued his work of making The Bible accessible to the masses. It's a long list of people banished, excommunicated, burned at the stake, martyred, and discredited in an effort to keep people from realizing that the story of Abraham and Sarah scamming Pharaoh out of his donkeys in Egypt was repeated at least two more times but in different places and with Isaac and Rebecca as the con-artists. Oh, they were also trying to keep people from knowing a lot more than that! The things in Genesis that make no sense according to Church Doctrine is just the tip of the conspiracy. The part I'm most angry about is where Onan's sin is said to be attributed to spilling his seed on the ground when the real issue is that he broke a contract. Isn't that always the way though? Let the corruption of big business off the hook while blaming the few and simple pleasures of the common people.

I should find some illustrated Bible comics and do commentaries on those! That would be fun! Until then, maybe I should stick to Batman and Robin.

Cassandra Cain begins this issue by reprogramming an ARGUS spy plane to fly over Mother's nursery, stowing away aboard it, and then bailing out when it flies over a Russian pit to Hell. The ARGUS pilots recognize the pit because James Tynion IV was all, "I once heard about how a Russian diamond mine dug too deep and let loose Durin's Bane which killed them all but not before one of them recorded the sounds of the damned because the pit reached Hell unless that was a totally different thing but anyway I'm going to mention it in a comic book because it's so fucking cool, Scott!" And Scott Snyder was all, "Mmmpphhh-ffumffle-mmmbble-fummfffle!" I don't know what that means because Google Translate doesn't have an option to translate "James Tynion's Dick In Your Mouth" into English.

I kid! I know Scott Snyder is a happily married heterosexual who only spent a small fraction of his life dressing up as Disney characters and hanging out in the men's showers at Disneyworld. Besides, if I was really being serious, it would have been James Tynion IV sucking Scott Snyder's dick because Snyder is the one that was hired by DC for his ability and it was James who was hired because of whose dick he knew.

I hope Snyder and Tynion never read this! Or if they do, I hope they have as good a sense of humor as Sterling Gates and not as poor a sense of humor as Cullen Bunn.

Oh! Pictures! I should distract everybody with pictures after that doubly horrible start to a comic book review!

Is Mother supposed to be an accurate representation of all mothers because she's almost exactly like my own!

This is the part where everybody has to forgive me for all of the horrible things I constantly say because they realize I was raised by a horribly manipulative woman who constantly showered love upon every child around her except her own! That's why my heart is a shriveled piece of turkey jerky! Unless it's like that because of all the horror movies I watched and horror books I read and all those things I hid under the front porch.

Oh! Look at this! I don't know which one to rub my dick on first!

You've got to think that after nine seasons and two movies, maybe the truth isn't fucking out there after all, hmm?

What the fuck is television trying to do to me?! I don't have this much time! I'm going to have to give up comic books if television is going to spend this much time turning them into shows.

Cassandra Cain has come to save Mother's children before they're all purged in the move. While she runs about, she remembers learning how to hug a person. She hugs The Sculptor who is appalled because Cassandra wasn't made for hugs. That's Wonder Woman bullshit. At that moment, The Sculptor should have known that Cassandra wasn't right for The Orphan's project. I would be better suited because I not only hate hugs, I also hate shaking hands and nearly every other form of human contact ever invented by humans who, for some reason, need more themselves!

Cassandra does not find any children. But she does find her father, The Orphan! He's got a new bionic arm and possibly a new foot since Harper mentioned he'd lost his leg even though that was probably just her misremembering what happened because the writer of that script didn't really fucking care about the comics written by the other writers.

Cassandra is captured and dumped in a pit full of the corpses of Mother's murdered children. So I was totally wrong that the comic book wouldn't lie to me last week and try to make me believe something that wasn't true! I totally and completely fell for it and super believed that Cassandra had just murdered all of the children! How could I be so dumb?! How could anybody be that dumb as to believe that Cassandra had killed the children or that Batman had murdered some kid's parents?! I mean, who am I? Dick Grayson?

The Orphan reminds Cassandra that the death of these children is on her shoulders because she left Mother and ran to tell Batman. But Batman was too busy battling The Joker so he had to give his Batgum to Cassandra to give to Dick if he died. Which he kind of did. But first he had a message of hope for Cassandra that ended with this vile act.

Ugh! Batman is so fucking touchy-feely!

Cassandra attacks The Orphan but before she can prove to him that she's a better fighter, Dick and Harper show up to help out. Cassandra hugs Harper because she's weak and then a hologram of Mother appears to set up the cliffhanger ending!

Look at it this way, Orphan. You've now earned a chance to redeem yourself now that Mother's betrayed you! Die with the thermonuclear device as you delay it long enough for your daughter to escape and we'll all pretend that the murder of thousands of children and their parents can be forgiven!

Batman and Robin Eternal #13 Rating: No change. I'll say this about this weekly in comparison to the Batman Eternal weekly: at least each week seems to be giving up a piece of the story. Batman Eternal was all about red herrings and rungs in some bad guy ladder leading up to Lincoln March (or, um, the actual villain who wasn't Lincoln March if you haven't read it yet and don't want it spoiled. It was totally somebody else and not Cluemaster at all). It's been a bit of origin overload the last few weeks but at least it all has to do with the main plot of Mother trying to take over the world and Batman trying to beat her by pretending to order a personalized Robin and Cassandra being at the center of it all. And now as I say that, next week will probably be an issue where Alfred deals with getting Titus neutered.

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Gotham Academy #13

I'm considering getting drunk.

I'm not really in the mood to read more comic books tonight but I'm not really in the mood to do anything else either. I tried playing a little more Temple of Elemental Evil but Zuggtmoy kicked my ass and then I made a deal with Hedrack not to fight but as soon as the conversation ended, he was all, "Hey! Let's fight!" Fucker. I'm going to get drunk and kill you, you piece of shit! But first I guess I'll read this Robin War tie-in.

This issue is called "Robins vs. Zombies" and I already know what's going to happen because Riko spilled the beans all over the other Robin War comic books. A Talon is going to enroll at Gotham Academy and nobody is going to let him sit with them at lunch because Gotham Academy doesn't really have an undead clique. And Maps was probably busy writing a dungeon crawl for her role playing game, Serpents and Spells, or else she totally would have invited the zombie to sit at her table.

Now I'm not sure if I want Olive to make out with Pomeline or Riko!

Maps is upset because Riko has the same backpack and because Riko is taking Olive's open roommate slot (that isn't an innuendo unless you want it to be and you're a total pedo (oh, who am I kidding? They're only fictional characters! Imagine them doing whatever you want to each other!)). I totally fucking knew Riko was going to try to be the new Maps! I called it last issue because I'm super overprotective of my Maps! Fuckin' Riko. You can go to hell, Riko! Or better yet! You can go to the hell that people in hell go to when they die in hell! You go to hell's hell, jerko!

Later that night, Pizza Detective Club begins investigating the Case of the Greenhouse Zombie! They set up a trap to catch the zombie but since they're practically the Scooby Doo gang and they've baited the trap with food, one of them is going to get hungry and fall into the trap themselves! Now which one is the most like Shaggy? Colton, right?! Although Riko isn't with them and she needs to get involved so she'll probably get caught in the trap while doing some Robin work.

Or she'll just get invited to join. Don't they all look adorable?!

Maps's plan doesn't quite work out the way she thought it would, probably because she was flirting so hard with Riko. But it does get Kirk's Langstrom's attention which is when I begin yawning and trying not to fall asleep. I don't know how anybody stays awake reading a Man-bat comic book! I was only just able to stay awake because Kirk Langstrom is just a tad bit more interesting when he's not Man-bat. He's also just acting as an adviser to the Pizza Detective Club and I really like those guys. So while barely holding my interest, I'm able to continue reading about their second plan to catch the zombie. This one involves mumbo-jumbo comic book bullshit that almost sounds scientific enough to be fictionally plausible! And guess what?!

Hey! Wake up! I said, "Guess what?!"

It works! The zombie comes back to the lab to--cross my fingers--murder Kirk Langstrom!

The Talon must be an ancestor of Olive's!

The Talon introduces himself as Efrem. Kirk Langstrom decides to keep him on in the lab to sterilize tools and sweep up. The Pizza Detective Club shrugs and decides to put this mystery in the solved column. Then Olive calls the cops on Riko and gets her ass thrown out of Gotham Academy for being a Robin. See, Olive isn't exactly on the best of terms with the Batfamily. Probably because they threw her mother in Arkham.

Maps tries to tangle with the cops but Damian stops her. She doesn't know it's Damian because he keeps his identity hidden by standing in a tree a few feet away from her totally exposed. Then he explains that he's going to start a war and that maybe she and her friends should order a pizza and go play some Serpents and Spells and ignore the awful screams of Robins being torn to pieces by Talons outside the dorm windows.

Gotham Academy #13 Rating: No change. At first I thought I wasn't going to like the art because it wasn't Karl Kerschl's art. But then I was like "Oh my God! They're so cute!" and "Look at that face Maps is making!" and "Olive has never been more adorable!" So I think those exclamations meant I liked it after all. I'm glad Riko didn't take Maps' place in the Pizza Detective Club but I'm fairly certain this story would have been better if Pomeline and Riko had kissed a little bit. Mostly on the mouth, of course! I don't expect any fisting to take place on a first date! At least not a first date between young people. Forty year olds going on a first date? Holy shit, things are going to get fucking weird.

Gotham Academy #12

Why isn't the main character on the cover?

Hopefully at the one year mark, we'll get an ending to the Sybil Silverlock story. Then Olive can get serious about her school work and Maps can take over the lead. Unless that jerk Riko thinks she's going to get the lead! If she winds up at Gotham Academy for good, she'd better know her place! Maps is the leader of Pizza Detective Club and she's more of a real Robin than Riko ever will be! Maps had the approval of two separate Robins before this stupid We Are Robin movement even began!

While Maps and Olive were off looking for clues as to the identity of Calamity, Kyle Mizoguchi disappeared. Now Maps is upset because that was her brother but Olive is probably sort of glad because he was her ex and it's always easier when your ex just mysteriously disappears and you can breathe easy knowing you'll never run into them again.

Maps isn't actually upset either. She wants to keep looking for Kyle but she knows the school is going to send her home to be with her parents while the search for Kyle goes on. So Maps and Olive recruit Katherine Karlo to mimic Maps so Maps can lead the Pizza Detective Club to victory.

I think Katherine took a huge blow to the head during the Hamlet fiasco. Has nobody thought about getting her some medical attention for a possible concussion?

The Pizza Detective Club have a key to Arkham Asylum so that's the first place they go to look for clues. I guess it's been rebuilt since The Spectre sent it to hell! Alfred has Wayne Manor back and the crazy people have to go somewhere other than the streets of Gotham.

Hmm. Maybe I imagined the asylum going to hell. Am I the only one who read Batman Eternal? Was that just a dream?!

The problem with reading all of DC's comic books is I don't have the luxury to think, "Oh, maybe it was magically restored in a book I didn't read!" Of course, it's quite possible it was magically restored in a book I read and I've completely forgotten about it! Although that's not a luxury; that's a possible symptom of something awful. I have a feeling the destruction of Arkham has simply been retconned so that it's merely sort of broken down and abandoned rather than "completely gone and replaced by a crater reaching to the bowels of hell."

Olive remains outside because she'll probably need to have a confrontation with her mother while alone. The rest of the Pizza Detectives head inside to find Kyle almost immediately, thanks to Maps's super sleuthing skills. Kyle was dragged to Arkham by somebody other than Calamity. He doesn't reveal who it was because he almost falls to his death while he waits for the Pizza Detectives to figure out how to use their Arkham Key. Maybe the hole Kyle almost falls in is all that's left of the crater that I must have dreamed swallowed the entire building previously.

I think Arkham lies on reality distorting field and that's why it exists differently than I remember! That's why Colton was able to grab Kyle's hand even though there's no way he could have grabbed Kyle's hand if I trust the upper right panel!

I was hoping that right in the middle of this issue, we'd get a scene of Katherine just shoving slices of bread into her mouth.

Olive has followed a voice calling to her and wound up in an upper room of the old building. It's there that she meets the jerko who kidnapped Kyle: Hugo Strange! Well, duh! That's what happens when a school lets a loony like him counsel the kids! Although it's possible he hasn't really done any crazy shit yet in The New 52. He was teased in Teen Titans (or was it Red Hood?! It was a Lobdell comic) but nothing ever came of that. And he was counseling Roy Harper in Red Hoods (when Tynion was writing, I think?). And he may have taken part in a back-up story in Detective Comics a long time ago but I think that was his just his son, Eli. Also, that was the most horribly written Poker story I've ever read. Thanks, Tony S. Daniel! I think the "S" stands for "YOU SUCK!"

Professor Strange has been dressing up like Olive's mother because he's a weird pedo. Also it's pretty typical for the villain in a story about young people acting like detectives for the villain to be an old guy dressing up to scare people so he can find the treasure or buy the real estate cheaply. In this case, Calamity has hidden something in the tunnels beneath Arkham. Hugo Strange has been trying to scare the Calamity out of Olive so that she'd channel the villain and maybe show him where she hid the treasure. Instead, Calamity chases off Hugo Strange and Kyle is saved. Calamity may or may not have appeared through Olive. It's a Pizza Detective Mystery!

Or it's not. Olive feels whole so I think that means Calamity has become a part of her. Which means Olive now feels closer to her mother. Although she's still not sure how her mother died! It was probably Strange!

Gotham Academy #12 Rating: No change. The art in this comic book is simply adorable. Or beautiful if adorable is too patronizing. I'm also a huge fan of the characters and the setting because it's something different that DC isn't really used to doing. Plus it feels a bit like Degrassi Junior High which is a show I grew up with and which I loved a lot. I suppose Maps is a big reason as to why I like this comic as well but I'm always singing her Dungeons and Dragons praises so I'm just going to ignore her this time.

NoI'mnotMapsisthebest!