Bizarro #4

This magic trick is disgusting.

After three issues, I'm beginning to suspect that Jimmy Olsen isn't actually taking Bizarro to Canada. A road trip to Canada from Metropolis should have probably taken about six hours. But instead they've gone through Central City and Branson on the way to Canada? That doesn't make sense. I think Jimmy's taking Bizarro to Area 51! Jimmy Olsen really is the worst friend ever.

This issue begins with Bizarro having his fortune read by some psychic that thankfully isn't Madame Xanadu. If it had been, the reading would have told Bizarro that to save the world, he would have to give Madame Xanadu an erotic massage while Jimmy Olsen cleans out the garage. Instead, Madame Hoobeedtnozoff confirms my suspicions that Jimmy isn't taking Bizarro to Canada!

Oh yeah. Jimmy is just trying to get enough photos for a bestselling coffee table book. It must be the people following them who are from Area 51.

While in Branson, Bizarro decides that they should go see Zatanna. Jimmy Olsen hates magic because he hates things that don't follow rules. That makes me suspicious as to why he's Superman's Pal then. Maybe Jimmy doesn't mind when somebody breaks every rule of physics in the pursuit of following all the made-up rules imagined up by mankind. But if somebody is just seeming to break the rules of physics in the pursuit of making a living? Jimmy can't stand that shit.

Bizarro understands how Zatanna's magic works because do you really think I'm going to finish this sentence? We all get why he understands it. He uses it himself to make himself disappear which opens a portal allowing him to travel to a bunch of magical DC locations like the Rock of Eternity and Gemworld and The House of Mystery and Hell and the Parliament of Trees and Skartaris. Eventually he returns to tell Jimmy about his adventures. But Zatanna is all, "You can't do backwards magic! That's my thing!" And Bizarro is all, "Unh-unh!" And Zatanna is all, "Oh no! I lost my powers!"

It's all very E is for Everyone kinds of shenanigans. Except for the name of the psychic at the beginning. I think that was some kind of beating off joke.

Bizarro casts a spell which causes Jimmy to become a Bizarro version of himself and turns Bizarro normal.

Um, your boobs? I think your boobs have gone awry.

Jimmy Olsen begins to destroy Branson in an effort to make it as photogenic as possible. Zatanna and Bizarro are now powerless to stop him, so Zatanna calls in a friend to help. I hope it isn't that barn owl Madame Zatanna! Thankfully it's Deadman! He enters Jimmy, stops the rampage, and then leaves. Thanks for the quick fix, Deadman!

Once Jimmy and Bizarro realize they now understand each other, they return to normal. Then they fuck. Probably. But it's off-panel because this is an E for Everyone comic book.

After the dust settles, Agents Spooky Stu and I-Won't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter Mahalo finally catch up to Jimmy and Bizarro.

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Bizarro #4 Rating: No change. I feel ripped off. Based on the cover, I thought Zatanna was going to take a piss inside Jimmy Olsen's skull. Now I have to pull my pants back up over my disappointed wiener. Even Lord Google couldn't help out. Even if I split the terms up, Lord Google couldn't find any images of Zatanna peeing or Jimmy Olsen's skull! I must be subscribed to the wrong internet.

Constantine the Hellblazer #4

The Surgeon General reports that smoking will cause good times and death and getting laid and good memories.

Did anybody watch the new Muppets show on ABC and not receive a phone call afterward that told them they have seven days left to live? Was it supposed to be a comedy? I did notice some complaints around the internet that it wasn't kid friendly enough and it had too many references to drugs and sex. The people who were making those complaints must not remember the original show. You do remember that it starred a frog that was fucking a pig, right? Sure, it wasn't blatantly stated but what did anybody think was going on? And who didn't already know Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem were all fucked up on drugs? Who was naive enough to believe they weren't just because it was never explicitly stated? Look, Gonzo was, and always has been, a chicken fucker and people just let that shit go! Apparently subtlety really does fool stupid people (and by "subtlety," I suppose I mean "not explicitly stating something outright but making it as obvious as possible anyway"). The original Muppet Show was written and played for adults. It was never meant to be a kids show. I mean, Alice Cooper guest starred on one show and tried to purchase their souls. Was that meant for kids? Sure, it didn't play anything in a way that kept parents from letting kids watch. But neither did the new one. Back when the original Muppets aired, parents seemed to understand that adult jokes were not going to be picked up by the kids. Parents nowadays seem to think that if they can understand a joke in an adult way, their child has just been corrupted. People, your kid didn't even notice.

The new Muppets really was a trainwreck though. It definitely wasn't funny enough (or at all?) to end with that serious breakup scene between Kermit and Miss Piggy. Was that supposed to be emotional? Because everybody has been screaming at that frog to drop that horrible pig for decades now! People should have been cheering at that scene! Kermit should have taken control of his life and eaten a bacon wrapped hot dog with extra bacon and a side of bacon right in front of her! He should have had her arrested! I wouldn't have minded if he'd sold her to the local butcher and beat it out of town.

The show takes a giant misstep filming it Office-style and being more about the behind-the-scenes of running the show rather than just airing it like a variety show with behind-the-scenes happenings during the show (like the old one!). Sure, maybe that would have sucked as well because, again, the writing was terrible. But I'd rather see weird acts by Muppets than Tom Bergeron acting like a sad sack. If the show gets any better, somebody will have to let me know because I won't be watching it again. Probably because I'm going to be visited by a girl climbing out of a well climbing out of my television in a few days.

And now on to our regularly scheduled broadcast which has to be better than discussion of the Muppets which did not have a single laugh-out-loud moment no matter what easily amused people say. Last issue, we met Georgie Snow. I hope she turns out to be Elijah Snow's sister! She, like everybody in the paranormal business, hates John Constantine and refused to be pulled into his shenanigans. She might still be since she was introduced but I think she might be sitting this story arc out from now on. Unless the ghost of her friend Veronica turns up to tell John he was a lousy lay (which would probably be a lie but then you don't go around telling the person who's probably to blame for your death that they were fantastic in the sack).

He can't be drinking "that" in here. Because you're only allowed to drink PBR and Old Milwaukee in record stores. Possibly Hamms and Rainer as well.

Constantine has decided drunkenness is better than heroics so he's going to just drink and drink and lose himself in memories of the past instead of helping a bunch of ghosts not get eaten by the Ghostbuster.

In John's memories, Veronica wants to quit the band (Mucus Membrane (probably not named for the ones in your nasal passages)) because they're getting too wrapped up in the magic. They're playing for demons instead of people now. She called home and nobody remembers her. She's freaking out but John doesn't want to hear it. He's deep in the thrall of the magic and it's all he cares about. Pretty soon he'll learn that he cares more about staying alive which will force him deeper into the magic and further away from caring about the welfare of his friends (at least when it comes to his life versus theirs, ya know?).

So far Elijah Snow hasn't appeared in any of John's memories. But it'll happen! It has to happen! Why name a character Georgiana Snow and not make her Elijah's sister?!

John, stop being a dick. These people have obviously chosen beauty over truth. Most people do. It's why religion is so popular.

A bunch of the ghosts following John around hoping he'll help them suddenly appear on stage with Constantine. And then the Ghostbuster appears and begins feeding on the poor, lost souls. The living people run screaming from the joint. Constantine just stands around wondering where his next drink is going to come from. I suppose one of two things is going to have to happen to pull Constantine out of this drunken spiral. Georgie Snow is going to have to decide to help him, or he'll run into Veronica's ghost which he'll care enough to save.

Constantine heads back to the Secret Library Wing at Cambridge where Georgiana studied the dark arts where he meets the old librarian who says he can answer John's questions. But John doesn't want questions answered. He just wants to wallow in his despair and misery and alcohol.

And write Magnetic Poetry!

Constantine remembers the last time he saw Veronica and how he abandoned her and how he broke not only her heart but her entire life. But mostly Constantine remembers how little he cared. Although now that it's too late, now that he's so far removed from that time and place, he's found he does care. Isn't that the way though? Isn't it always easier to believe you cared more about something than you actually did when you're suddenly steeped in the nostalgia of the thing? So John--saddened by his current place in life, distraught that he's lost the ghost of Gaz, disturbed by his memories of the way he treated Veronica, mind clouded by alcohol--has come to a point of despair. He calls out to the Ghostbuster and allows it to come for him. He stands his ground and allows it to consume him. He's ready for it all to end.

Bom chicka wah wah!

Constantine the Hellblazer #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. Doyle and Tynion understand how to write Constantine. It isn't all about defeating the Bad Thing by casting the most dangerous spell in the world that has too high a cost to count! And then casting the spell and succeeding and then never really paying much of a price at all. Constantine is about the dark places he's allowed himself to travel. It's about living a life damaged by all of the prices he's paid along the way. Yes, he's cocky and arrogant and always has a trick up his sleeve. He's full of bluster and sound and fury to hide the fact that he's nearly always just flying by the seat of his trenchcoat. He's not just the guy who always finds a way out. He's the guy haunted by the things he did to find those ways out. Doyle and Tynion understand Constantine enough that they are succeeding despite the limits placed on this book due to it not being in the Vertigo line. If you were disappointed with the original run of Constantine after The New 52, it's safe to come back to the character now. I give this book the Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Stamp of Approval.

Lost Army #4

I know John Stewart farted in your face last cover, Kilowog. But belching in Guy's face isn't going to improve the situation.

I remember being truly terrified of three things when I was a kid. The worst was the Sleestaks in Land of the Lost. Although it was less about the Sleestaks and more about the tension created whenever the Marshalls would go into the Sleestak caves. Many episodes when they went into the cave, the Sleestaks wouldn't even appear. Those days were the worst. Remember that feeling you had after seeing The Blair Witch Project? You felt nauseated and tense and gross and blamed it on the motion of the handheld camera? Well, I knew walking out of that theater exactly why that movie made people feel so bad. Because I'd experienced it before in my youth. It's the nausea of withheld catharsis. Being scared by the appearance of the Sleestaks was far better than having that tense knot in my stomach never released when the Marshalls got off easy. Blair Witch did the same thing but in longer form. You spent all movie waiting to jump at something scary and it never came. It was the movie going equivalent of being blue balled. The other two things that terrified me as a kid were the opening credits to "Tales From the Darkside" and the theme song to Doctor Who.

That wasn't a joke. That theme song creeped the fuck out of me. I remember thinking, "Why is this scary show airing in the middle of the afternoon?!" At least I knew I would only spy "Tales From the Darkside" if I stayed up too late. But that Doctor Who theme haunted me! It was probably years later that I found out it was a science fiction show. And I'd probably even watched some of it having turned the station to find it on, never knowing it was attached to that theme song that just provoked some visceral flight or fight response in my young system.

Anyway, Arisia was dying or some shit at the end of last issue. Good riddance! Nobody needs to be reminded that Hal Jordan was once a pedophile! And the best way to forget that shit is to disappear the victim! I mean, technically I guess the best way to take care of it is to put Hal in a Sciencell. I just scanned the DC Wiki on "Sciencell" to see if I should capitalize it or not. It seems I should. So was Sciencell the guy who created the Oan prison? I always just assumed it was a retarded...oh wait, sorry for the R-slur! Let me check my friend's daughter's Facebook to see the word I have to use instead...Oh! Okay, let me start over. I always just assumed it was a ridiculous merger of "science" and "cell." Oh hey! Ridiculous actually works well to replace retarded! That's crazy! Uh, I mean, that's unbelievable! Hmm. That one doesn't work as well to express my exact intent. So ridiculous. Wink, wink!

I'm so going to fucking ruin the word ridiculous that it's ridiculous. Wink, wink. You know what I mean when I say ridiculous, right? Stop being so ridiculous! Just like I now say "barn owl" and no barn owls complain about my god-awful language!

Oh yeah! Shit! Sorry, Arisia. I just left you gasping for breath for way too long due to that ridiculous digression.

Once again, the Green Lanterns are caught in a tense battle against the Light Pirates. I know it's tense because of the constant reminders that their rings' power level keeps falling. Everywhere I look on every page I see "50%" then "40%" then "30%". I know that's bad because the numbers keep getting smaller! When they get to zero, the Green Lanterns will lose! Will they be able to beat back their enemies before a "0%" appears on the page?!

I wish the Green Lanterns would battle enemies instead of constantly battling the amount of charge left in their rings.

Relic and Krona have also been attacked in Relic's ship. They're draining Relic's ship's shields just as fast as they're draining the charge on the Green Lanterns' rings! That means Relic and Krona have to escape before they die. And since neither of them give a shit about the Green Lanterns, they abandon them. And then all of the Green Lanterns lose power and die.

Since the Green Lanterns are now dead, I guess it's time for a John Stewart Military Flashback! It's time to learn how taking part in militaristic imperialist expansionism made John Stewart the man he is today! Or the man he was yesterday since he's dead now.

John's memory was about that time in battle when the one guy said to go on without him and John was all, "No way, buddy! We're all going to make it or else none of us will!" And then the guy who wanted to abandon the hurt guy gets killed because fuck that prick for wanting to leave a man behind. He totally deserved to die. But John surrenders after seeing his fellow marine shot in the throat because fuck getting shot in the throat, man! He surrenders in that way that Americans never surrender and is captured. No wonder he just died in space! The lesson he learned was to quit! Quitter!

Apparently John didn't die in space. He wakes up in a generic brand Sciencell alongside Salaak and some other alien prisoners.

Just like an American. He expects everybody else--even aliens!--to learn English.

Nemux (one of the new recruits) is killed in a demonstration of how the Light Pirates will be murdering all of the other Lanterns and Lightsmiths. 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 speaks in binary as she mourns the death of her friend which is completely fucking stupid. Her race is good at math! They aren't machines! But what do I know? I'm just a fucking English Major! Arisia is all, "I know you can't understand me, Two-Six, but let me ask you a question after immediately pointing out how you can't understand me." Then B'dg is all, "I look like a chipmunk so of course I speak a language that sounds like an Earth chipmunk! This whole comic book is fucking racist bullshit man!" B'dg is acting excitedly because he's found a poorly concealed panel in the wall of the cell.

B'dg is saying, "Fuck you, assholes! I'm outta here!"

Somebody must have lost a nut behind the wall for B'dg to have found the panel. Oh man. I shouldn't have said that. I should have learned the lesson Simon Baz tried to teach everybody about how B'dg is a Green Lantern and not a giant anthropomorphic chipmunk! I should at least respect him as an individual since this comic book isn't going to. His language sounds like squeaks and chirps. So fucking derogatory, man. Just...just so wrong!

Meanwhile Guy Gardner is stuck on his ridiculous (wink, wink) argument about John ruining everything because he's lying to Relic. Hey Guy? If you haven't noticed, Relic isn't here anymore. This universe is long dead according to the matter that makes up your body which is just recycled matter from this universe. How about you just treat this universe as the leftovers it is and try to get back to your universe no matter the cost. If what you do somehow causes this universe to die, don't worry about it. Time being what it is, that's probably how the universe died before. You just didn't realize it because you hadn't reached that loop of time from your perspective. Just realize nothing you do at this point matters in the grand scheme of things because whatever happened here in Relic's universe already happened. Just fucking go with it. Unless, of course, you're just making your stupid arguments and complaining your dumbass complaints for added drama. Then carry on.

Don't be so stupid, Guy! Remember how Relic's light draining the universe theory was just a hypothesis without any actual proof? And remember how John lied about being from the future which was dying due to too much light being used? Remember how Relic took that as proof of his hypothesis? That's the only reason he believes his theory without any actual evidence! It's all bunk!

Stewart and Salaak sit around trying to count how many Lanterns have been captured. And that's when they're rescued! Um, kind of?

I'm fairly certain "Chrr-chrr-crk-squeak-chrk-chrk!" means "I am not a fucking squirrel, you racist piece of shit!"

Stewart makes a grand speech that only Salaak can understand. The other Lightsmiths probably think he's just ranting about how uncomfortable the cells were before they were infested with vermin. Salaak translates B'dg's glorious language and points out that B'dg knows where all the weapons are being kept. So he'll go fetch them and then everybody will break out of prison with a bunch of rings that have already been completely drained and, even if they weren't, would get completely drained again almost immediately by their captors' light-stealing technology. I can't wait to see how quickly the percentages fall next issue! Such drama! Such tension! Although it's no Marshalls in the Sleestak Cave drama.

Lost Army #4 Rating: -1 Ranking. If I were interested in watching people fight with the power draining out of their devices or people sitting around having inane conversation in a bleak landscape, I'd hang out in Starbucks all day. Somebody think up a new device to make the Lanterns interesting please. Until then, I'm changing the name of this comic book to Loser Army.

The New Teen Titans #38 (December 1987)

I don’t know if the Titans save the world from the Ultra-Humanite and his Cosmic Associate because the story ends in Infinity Inc #45 which I do not own. My cousin collected Infinity so we swapped comics to see how the story played out. And since this is the first half of the story, it’s the part of the story where the Teen Titans get their asses kicked. So once again, they don’t save the world! Okay, Raven and Obsidian save a pregnant lady and her toddler while having a short lived awkward impossible romance. Raven and Obsidian had the romance between each other and not with the pregnant lady and her toddler. Also we don't know if that lady's baby turned out to be 21st Century Hitler. So did they help the world or hurt the world? Who can tell (but you know what I think: definitely hurt it. By a lot).

Number of Issues In Which The Titans Aren’t Completely Useless: 3 out of 38.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #21

This is why I've given up on meeting comic book writers and artists. Because after meeting Kuder, it makes it harder to say "Worst professional cover ever or B+ Junior Level Art Assignment?" about this cover.

Some guy named Mister Bend from Arlington, Virginia, runs some super top secret program from out of the basement in his house. He's probably the bad guy who has been in the shadows ever since Peter J. Tomasi began his run on this comic book. And he'll probably be the last bad guy joining the Anti-Superman League. But before any of that is revealed as probably shitty assumptions, Mister Bend needs to suck out all of Firestorm's juices.

Firestorm is back and he's once again Ronnie Raymond with Jason Rusch's head floating nearby. Ever since these two got married in the Zero Issue of their self-titled series, we haven't really seen much of them. Other than the eight issues that followed the surprise marriage issue, of course! I thought after the symbolic marriage in Issue #0, Ronnie and Jason were going to embrace their homosexuality. But it looks like they still haven't quite come to grips with it.

Oh really, Jason. Tell us more about your new Canadian girlfriend you met at International Summer Camp?

Firestorm is ambushed by some coal monster masquerading as drowning fishermen. I hope we find out why this scene was in this comic book later! Maybe it's just a sneak peek of a new Firestorm comic book to be released soon.

Getting back to one of the stars of this comic book, Wonder Woman is standing around holding onto her lasso which has been wrapped around Lois Lane so that she won't lie about why she's so obsessed with Superman. Lois acts like a hostile jerk when asked questions. Oh, it doesn't feel so good having some nosy asshole stick a microphone in your face demanding you answer questions they have no business asking, does it? It's so easy to hide behind the trite statement, "The people have a right to know!" Not as easy when people expect the same kind of cooperation from you, is it, Miss Lane?

The interview ends before Lois Lane accidentally mentions how often she masturbates to images of Superman and then Superman crashes through the wall. Pretty strong for a guy who's lost his powers, right?

Superman decides to be angry at Wonder Woman because comic books (even when they're written by somebody as trustworthy a writer as Tomasi, I guess). Superman is being a real dick lately. When is Wonder Woman just going to dump his ass and get this comic book cancelled? I'm surprised she stuck with him after he gave her a huge guilt trip about her not oiling the dangerous alien flower he foisted on her. Maybe Wonder Woman knew at that moment that the relationship was over but she's just now in the spiraling end cycle of the relationship that almost always goes on for too long. Just end it quick and clean, Diana! Clark Kent isn't worth it.

Look at Wonder Woman's lifeless eyes and blank expression. She knows it's over!

As Wonder Woman rolls her eyes, she notices Atomic Skull and Major Disaster and Shocker and Metallo and Silver Banshee (Supergirl's friend?!) hanging from the ceiling in tubes. This is where they're incarcerated because they're too dangerous to actually have a trial. But they're also being used for energy by Mister Bend! Um, probably. These villains and their energy powers tie in to the Firestorm bit at the beginning! I'm figuring stuff out on my own!

Just as Steel realizes something fishy is going on, the villains crash to the floor and the security guards become those energy siphoning monsters who took down Firestorm. I hope Wonder Woman doesn't try to help because Superman will just yell at her. Why is her name even on the cover? When does she get an important plot of her own?

The Siphon Monsters gulp down the bad guys and almost get Superman. But he's saved by Wonder Woman and all of his friends. He gives them his thanks by lecturing Wonder Woman and Lois Lane and telling them they betrayed him by caring about his well being. Fuck you, Clark Kent. Go to hell. I'm sick of reading your stories even if Peter J. Tomasi does his best to write around Group Editor Sexualie Harasseganza's mandates.

In the Epilogue, Mister Bend enters a portal and arrives at the Anti-Superman League meeting.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #21 Rating: -1 Ranking. The Superman books are the worst. Maybe I should start a Kickstarter to fund a reward for the first person to kick Eddie Berganza in the balls.

The New Teen Titans Annual #3 (1987)

In which The New Teen Titans ask Cousin Oliver to join the team.

Introducing, in bold letters because, I guess, he fucking sucks?: Danny Chase!

Sometimes revisiting the past is dangerous. Like how I’d completely forgotten about Danny Chase until this moment. Now I need stitches in my forehead and some new sheet rock for the bedroom wall.


Oh my! So demanding, Dick! You'll never see him say this to that piece of wet clinging shit, Danny Chase!


Of course he is! Just look at how big he . . . oh! I get it!


Liar! We've witnessed how you hunt, kill, and eat the animals! While having a telepathic conversation with them! Dick loved it!

Did you expect the Titans to be heroic during an Annual?! And did you expect me to explain what happened in this annual? I think I gave enough context clues for you to figure it out on your own!

Wonder Woman #44

According to this cover blurb, Wonder Woman is evil.

The first thing I noticed about this cover is that David Finch is back. I can't say I'm entirely disappointed because when he was missing from last issue, the quality of the comic actually improved. And I'd rather do commentary on comic books in which I can find many, many faults. I like to feel superior by pointing out problems. I do not like to feel inferior by quality stories which cause me to think that I might be the worst writer on the planet. Not that every editor I've ever worked with hasn't already tried to make me feel that way. Not to mention all of the publishers who refuse to publish five page novels no matter how many they receive from you. And I shouldn't forget all of my friends and family who try not to look me in the eye when they see me with my Pee Chee folder and then all suddenly have to be somewhere else or are suddenly too blind to read or too deaf to listen. If only all of those things were different, everybody would realize how great a Writer I am!

When we last saw Wonder Woman, she had been shot in the shoulder by a magic arrow just after putting wax lips in her mouth.

Wonder Woman rocks the "Fuck Me Now" look while dying (and wearing wax lips).

Wonder Woman's cliffhanger is over by the second page where it turns out the arrow in the shoulder wasn't as big a deal as it seemed. She's also suddenly in the alley with an old woman as opposed to a young woman so I think we know the identity of the street urchin from last issue, don't we? She's the real Fate! Duh. The women in the Growler/Knitting Shop were all pretty much the same age anyway. No way they could have been the Fates. Plus they all had boob jobs which is probably not something they'd bother with. Because that's like changing your destiny and why would they encourage people to steal their job?

Wonder Woman pulls the arrow out of her shoulder and throws it into the ground where it disappears into a vortex or a portal or maybe just a glowing puddle. Now whoever is on the other side of that puddle has Wonder Woman's blood! That means they can, um, clone her? What can you do with somebody's blood besides drink it or smear it across you testicles in preparation for a fertility dance?

After the Wonder Woman pages, there's a page that takes place six months earlier about Aegeus's life falling apart. It's hastily drawn with little care because David Finch couldn't be bothered with a page that didn't spotlight Wonder Woman's bosom.

Aegeus just wants the day to be over so he heads home to play an illegal copy of Arkham Knight on his PS4. It must be illegal because it wasn't even out six months ago. But he can't play the unreleased game because he finds he's locked out of his apartment. And he loses his job which wasn't a great job anyway since it was selling stolen credit card numbers to other thieves. But his life going to crap is just the impetus he needs to finally believe his mother's dying words that he's got the blood of the gods flowing in his main vein.

I guess the reader can now sympathize with Aegeus because we see that he's not really a bad credit card thief at all. He's just being manipulated by fate (and by "fate," I actually mean "Strife") into a position which will eventually pit him against Wonder Woman. I hope Diana realizes it and hugs him really hard to save the day.

Remember how many times I've mentioned that David Finch is probably constantly bugging his wife to write Wonder Woman shower scenes? Remember how not having David Finch around led to Meredith's best issue of her run? Remember how David Finch is back drawing this issue? Remember all of that?

Shower time!

After her shower (which, surprisingly, wasn't a two page splash), Hera appears in the mirror to talk to Diana. She says, "Remember when you were once told that only blood could kill blood? You know, about how the gods could die? Remember that? Forget it! The only reason you were able to kill Ares is because the Fates got old and got breast implants and had to get a second job filling growlers in London. It made the gods less immortal (which is, technically, mortal)! And now that the Fates are dead, all of the gods of Olympus are just humans with delusions of grandeur! Unless they're on Olympus where they get to still be immortal for very complex and mythological reasons." Wonder Woman responds by taking off her bathrobe and rubbing herself. No wait! That's how she was fated to be drawn by David Finch but since the Fates have died, she just acts like a normal person and not Fan Service Eye Candy. Well, at least not totally like eye candy.

The arrow from earlier didn't just disappear in a puddle. Hera brought it to Olympus so Hephaestus could examine it. Unless she brought it to Olympus so she could use it to kill Wonder Woman but Hephaestus just happened to walk in the room as she plucked it out of thin air and he said, "What's that?!" And then Hera made up the thing about giving it to Hephaestus on purpose.

What kind of idiot savant can forge an arrow this complex but doesn't know the meaning of simple words?! Why would he have to define "God Killer" for that person? Besides, the killer forged a weapon capable of killing gods so I think the person knows the meaning of the term.

I would have named my God Killer sword "Postmodernism."

Meanwhile Donna Troy is walking around London in her Amazonian Clay Girl Threads and everybody is calling her names because everybody that isn't a main character in a comic book is either a xenophobe or a boring normal person that has no appreciation for all of the unique snowflakes who aren't actually as unique as they'd like to think.

That's not a selfie, asshole. That's called a picture.

Donna Troy happens upon the girl Wonder Woman met last issue. She's being beaten by a man so Donna Troy rushes in to save her. She easily defeats the guy because he's just a punk who wasn't magically born out of clay to be a great fighter.

Judging by his face, he may be suffering from some genetic defects.

After saving the girl, Donna Troy walks out in front of a bus because she was magically born out of clay to not have any peripheral vision. But the unnamed girl rescues her and they become fast friends. Probably. Maybe she'll become Donna Troy's sidekick. Maybe she's Terry Long's daughter, Jennifer! I bet that's why she's been so mysterious. As soon as she gives her name, everybody will know that Donna is about to meet her future creepy husband!

Okay. Stop it. Fuck you. We get enough of this bullshit from Starfire. I am not going to believe that Donna Troy has no problem with speaking English and suddenly doesn't fucking know what a park is.

The unnamed girl takes Donna back to her underground lair where she just happens to have an outfit with great boots in Donna's size. As least the new look doesn't have a giant "V" to indicate where her vagina goes.

Meanwhile on Olympus, Strife and Diana have an inane conversation that goes nowhere. Also Diana speaks about Pegasus as if it's a species and not a unique creature whom she killed a year or two ago in Batwoman. I get that Dungeons and Dragons have turned Pegasus into just another wandering monster to be encountered but this isn't a Dungeons and Dragons comic book. This is a serious comic book about an Amazon living in London who is also the God of War. I expect it to be fact checked and well researched, dammit.

It's like Aegeus crashed through the ceiling directly from a 90s comic book!

Wonder Woman #44 Rating: No change. This comic book has stopped being completely horrible. That's about the only positive thing I can say about it. Meredith is trying to redeem Donna Troy which is good because she never should have been created simply to need redeeming in the first place. I'm still having trouble figuring out why people love David Finch's art so much. I won't deny he's spectacular when he cares about the thing he's drawing (which means a young woman who is probably naked). But his men are the worst. They look like the fish faced residents of Innsmouth. Also, who's the new girl? Is she just Donna Troy's Zola? Are we simply going to get a revision of Azzarello's Wonder Woman but with Donna Troy and the unnamed urchin (who is--cross my fingers--Jennifer Long!)? I currently don't think this comic book is awful but I don't really have any reason to recommend it. Read at your own risk, I guess.