Justice League of America #2

That logo bites.

At the end of the last issue, the god of Krypton arrived on Earth. This happened after some aliens posing as The Infinity Corporation showed Superman a pile of dead other dimensional Supermen and then tricked the Justice League of America into battling the Parasite. During that fight, Green Lantern and The Flash got knocked through a wormhole to Oa and Wonder Woman went missing. According to this cover, they'll be back in time for the big fight with Rao.

This issue begins with Superman instantly buying the whole "god" thing and joining forces with Rao to "help him." Superman thought Rao was a myth right up until this moment and yet he totally buys into the Kryptonian god act? Superman doesn't ask why Earth needs to be saved. Superman doesn't ask what needs to be done. For being the Best Friend of the World's Greatest Detective, Superman hasn't learned a God Damned thing!

Superman might agree to this but Batman will nip it in the bud pretty fucking quickly.

The media reports on the arrival of an alien ship are realistically portrayed in the comic book. They work the crowd asking inane questions and, in so doing, find out nothing about the alien ship. They do find out that two people are in love and a blind man can feel and see the intense radiation coming off of the ship. They also report that the ship looks threatening but broadcast a message of peace across all wavelengths and all media. So what you're saying is it disrupted communication all over the world?! And the United States Government hasn't thrown a few nukes at it? What are they waiting for? It's not like they've ever trusted Superman in the entire run of The New 52, so why believe him when he vouches for the aliens?

Also, Batman really looks ridiculous walking through a crowd of people, none of which are dressed in an animal costume.

And just like that, Aquaman is my favorite character!

You would think Aquaman would believe in Poseidon since one of his best friends is the Greek god of war. I would think he would have asked her about Poseidon and she would have told him what a huge douchebag he was. But I imagine that Aquaman and Wonder Woman don't really spend a lot of time talking with each other. I bet that scene in Finch's Wonder Woman where Diana hugs a teddy bear while telling Aquaman that being a woman in the modern world is really, really hard is the only real conversation they've shared in the last five years.

Aquaman allows the Kryptonian missionary to hang about the place trying to convert Atlanteans to Raoism. If I were Aquaman, I would have made a kingly decision and thrown him out on his ass. Not because I think the Atlanteans would need protection but because why even allow somebody you know is a total fraud to run around annoying the populace? Missionaries are the worst of the worst. They're culture murderers. They're no better than aggressors that would sweep through a town and raze it to the ground. Missionaries destroy just as much as pillagers and vandals. It's just that after missionaries are through, the buildings might still be standing but little left of the people and their culture remain. Besides, this Prophet of Rao probably has magical alien mind control abilities which the Atlanteans will be more susceptible to than the rest of the world. Why else would he target them? Maybe they have other resources Rao is interested in? Like dolphin semen and dried Dugong dicks.

Here's a joke I just made up! What's the difference between the missionary position and missionaries on a mission? The first gets you fucked in the vagina, the second gets you fucked in the ass.

Since God spoke to Moses? I think that's Perry's hint that he doesn't care if somebody fabricates the entire story.

Rao wants to start a ministry with Superman's help and Superman seems up for it. Either he himself was (once again!) mind-controlled or he's the biggest dope in the super hero community. My guess is that when he touched Rao, his mind was manipulated in some way. Superman really needs to figure out a way to protect against being controlled by other people. All it takes is one wanna-be Hector Hammond to take over Superman and the world is over. He might not be a danger in the xenophobic, racist way that Lex Luthor and, apparently, 97% of the people living in the DC Universe think he is but he's definitely a danger to the planet if he can't stop getting brainwashed and taken over by magic.

Batman and Cyborg head back to the Batcave to do some research and have some tea. The tea is Earl Grey and the research is on how to kill Rao. That research is easy because Batman already has a large file on how to kill Superman and he's pretty much a Kryptonian god too, right?

Batman wants to know Rao's agenda and Cyborg seems to think it's peace on Earth. Except Rao simply said, "I have come to save you." That's pretty vague! Jumping to the conclusion that that means "peace on Earth" is the kind of non-detective bullshit that Batman wants to avoid.

Lois Lane keeps busy writing the article for J. Perry Jameson. It's full of misused punctuation and sentence fragments. It might have been written by me!

Rao invites a bunch of people aboard his "cathedral" to speak with them. After the run in with Ulysses and the big trick he pulled getting loads of people onto his ship, shouldn't Superman have some doubts about this? That was another person visiting Earth and promising peace and eventually turning out to be a fraud. That's how it always happens! It never deviates from that model! Batman should have thrown a batarang at it as soon as it arrived since he's going to be doing that eventually anyway. And he knows it!

This is definitely not The New 52 Earth because when has anybody trusted Superman at all during the last few years?

Look, I don't care if this story doesn't exactly fit into the current timelines happening in the other DC Comic books right now. In the long run, that doesn't matter. But what I would like is some consistency in the world and the character in stories told within just a few years of each other (without, you know, a Reboot between them).

Rao sends his prophets to "pray" a bunch of sick people to health and all he asks in return is their unending fealty and faith. Some compassionate god! If he were really compassionate, he'd do it without demanding anything! The greedy son of a whor...err, I mean, virgin, probably.

Rao continues to suck Superman's dick and tell him everything he wants to hear. Batman mopes and pouts around the Batcave worried about all the horrible people Rao is healing. Shouldn't he be judging and condemning?! Stop being so loving and compassionate, Rao! Bruce can't handle it!

Clark finally remembers that Diana disappeared that first night along with Hal and Barry. He doesn't seem too worried because he's a horrible boyfriend. Also he's probably under some kind of mind-control, remember? The issue ends with Diana waking up amidst the destruction of Olympus. Whoops! I guess Rao is just here to feed on Earth's gods and gain their power. I imagine Jesus Christ and Allah are probably dead already too. And whoever the Mormon's worship. Cowboy Jesus Christ?

Justice League of America #2 Rating: No change. I think this is an Elseworlds book, right? It must be because I barely recognize anybody. Even Alfred was all, "The Bible says great things about God, Master Bruce!" It can't be the real New 52 universe because Aquaman is the greatest character I've ever read in this book! If this Aquaman were allowed to marry New 52 Mera and they could star in a comic book called Aquaman Loves Mera and they could have lots of adventures and be bad-ass, it would probably sell at least one copy because I'd buy it. If I remembered to put it on my pull list.

Justice League United #11

This comic book cover is trying way too hard.

The last issue of Justice League United came out in March so I don't remember what was going on. Hell, I don't even remember who was on the team aside from the people on the cover (at least the ones I recognize!). I do remember that Justice League United were engaged in a time travel battle for a future that--let's face it--doesn't actually matter. People from the future really need to stop going back in time to fix the future. As human beings, we discover strange and wonderful things constantly as we get better and better at understanding the universe we live in. But I'm going to go out on a limb and say that time travel will never work in such a way that somebody can go back in time and change the future timeline from which they came. If time travel is ever possible, all "time travelers" will accomplish is erasing themselves from the current timeline. The other scientists would shrug their shoulders and perceive the experiment as a failure and go on trying to figure out where they went wrong while the time traveler is currently in the past (some past but not the one he came from! Not anymore, at least, since his arrival changes everything) strangling baby Hitler.

I saw that Travel Foreman was the artist since his name was right there on the cover. But by the time I got around to opening up the comic book, I forgot that he was the artist. And then I opened the comic book and his art punched me in the equilibrium. It's like being on a boat while looking into a Funhouse mirror. After saying that, I also have to say how it's also quite beautiful because Travel Foreman lovers will read my experiential account of seeing his art as shitting all over it when it wasn't at all so eat dick. One thing I've learned from writing on the internet for eighteen years is that only people who completely misunderstand everything they read use the internet.

Although I think Jeromy Cox forgot to color in one of the costumes unless Maxine the Disembodied Head joined the Justice League.

Doesn't Miiyahbin look great in this shot? Just beautiful. And the disembodied head might actually be wearing an all black suit but I just can't tell from this page. I typed that because anybody who has read this comic book and already knows what the fuck is going on with her is probably already writing a comment which reads "You're an idiot" and that "You should keep your comments to yourself until you've read the whole comic book" and "Do you know that Jeromy Cox is trying his hardest! Love his mother"?

The new concept for Justice League United is that Adam Strange hangs out in the Zeta Beam looking for anomalies called "Breakers" that can destroy the universe if the Breakers themselves are not destroyed. To destroy each Breaker, Adam Strange must assemble the perfect group of heroes, different for each Breaker. In this issue, he and Justice League United will have to convince Swamp Thing, Etrigan, and Mera to join the battle with Equinox and Maxine the Animal Girl. Unless that's not Maxine. Once again, I'm spouting off ignorantly before gathering all of the facts! Kind of like how every single other comic book fan other than me does when they sit back and judge every story by the solicits alone.

Animal Man picks up Mera by pointing out that a lot of people mistake him for Aquaman so if she'd like to make that mistake too, he's free for the evening. Although right now that would mean she'd simply kill him. But Mera agrees to help Justice League United if they help her find Aquaman later.

Stargirl is in charge of gathering Swamp Thing.

Travel Foreman's characters actually look age appropriate. Doesn't he know he's drawing comic books?!

Poison Ivy is the red head in the black costume and it makes sense now! Those vines are part of her costume and not just an outgrowth of Swamp Thing! It was like one of those visual illusions where you think you're looking at two nuns discussing Christ but then you blink and realize it's actually a five-guy circle jerk.

Alanna Strange picks up Ivy at a club in a way different than the way that every fanboy just read the beginning of that sentence. Batgirl is after Ivy but Alanna pops in, promises to get Ivy clear if she helps the Justice League, and then pops out.

Equinox rescues Jason Blood from a bunch of mummies and he agrees to help her. He also strokes her ego a bit by already knowing who she is. That's pretty good, Blood! I could barely remember how to spell her name! Although it is Miiyahbin which isn't exactly the most common name outside of Canada. I bet in Canada, Miiyahbin is the equivalent of Brittany.

Justice League United lost Supergirl, Martian Manhunter, and Green Arrow. That's too bad because Green Arrow and Animal Man were becoming the next Abbot and Costello. I guess Supergirl had to leave because she needs to plan for a comic book that won't confuse people coming from the television series this Fall. And Manhunter has his own book to deal with. So now the team is Equinox, Animal Man, Stargirl, Adam Strange, and Alanna Strange. That's not much of a team. Although Adam Strange is now some kind of Doctor Manhattan living up in the Zeta Beam manipulating the universe. And Equinox is possibly as powerful an elemental as Swamp Thing although she lacks experience.

The entire team winds up in Lake Erie battling big red blobs of protoplasmic goo that come from a huge island of protoplasmic red goo which doesn't belong in our space and time. The team walk around on it until it swallows the Swamp Thing and everybody shits their pants.

Justice League United #11 Rating: +2 Ranking. The good: Jeff Parker is trying to give this team a reason for its existence aside from a bunch of heroes accidentally bumping into each other in Moose Creek and saying, "Yo! Let's team up! Holla!" The bad: I don't know what the bad is. Is there any bad? This thing is much better than Lemire's time travel story whose only purpose was to make Brainiac think, "I hope I didn't lose my relationship with Supergirl that I already had because I changed the past!" Oh wait! I know what could potentially be the bad depending on how Parker uses it! Adam Strange in his new role as the guy who moves the plot along by mystically knowing things that the characters have no other way of knowing which would keep them from ever doing anything (unless, I guess, they turned their television to Channel 52 News which is constantly telling characters exactly what they need to know at just the right time). This is a perfect place for new readers to hop on or for old readers that dropped the book to maybe give it another chance.

All Star Section Eight #2

I know you can use the Lantern ring to make a baseball mitt, a one ton weight, and a sex doll...but alcohol? Come on!

Last issue, Batman turned down an offer to join Section Eight. This issue, Green Lantern turns down an offer to join Section Eight. Did I miss anything?

One thing I missed was that this issue is called "It's Not Easy Being Green" which is just a lazy title. It's probably been used as many times as Gorilla Warfare. Unoriginality is a plague that eventually visits most writers, even ones like Garth Ennis who is known for always being innovative and exciting because he never steals ideas from anybody but himself. Like how many times have you read a comic book by anybody other than Garth Ennis where somebody is sodomized? Pretty much never, right? And how many comic books have you read by Garth Ennis where nobody gets sodomized? Practically never! See? Total original, that guy.

This is the first ever presentation of on-panel fingering of a butthole in a mainstream comic book. If you discount the seven or eight times that happened in Preacher.

At one point during the comic book, Six Pack blacks out and hears somebody trying to council him for his alcohol. But he's able to maintain his fugue state, return to Noonan's, and continue his quest for Green Lantern. It's a good thing writers are still allowed to make fun of a serious illness like alcoholism. Although, if we're going to be frank about it, is alcoholism really an illness? Isn't "reality" the real illness here? Alcohol is just a friendly reminder that we don't have to be shackled to the horrible life we've made for ourselves! Instead, we can drink until we forget our families and our jobs and society's expectations of us. And sometimes some people imbibe too much friendly reminder far too often until their entire world falls apart. But then they start a new life and stop drinking because the real problem was the old life which walked out on them when they were drunk all of the time and the new life is an empty slate and a reason to start over! Yay for alcohol! You solved the problem yet again!

That's what Six Pack is doing! Alcohol allows him to be the super hero he's always wanted to be instead of that boring old life as an art critic.

Section Eight dress up like Green Lanterns so they can attract the attention of the real Green Lantern. It's one of those plans that is the exact opposite of foolproof. But at least Guts dresses up in a Slutty Vampire Costume (which is really just female underwear). So that's hot?

This comic book is just a twenty page reminder how disgusting it is to be a human being.

Bueno Excellente stops masturbating because he's suddenly challenged by a rival suitor. It's a mystery who it might be though because the scene changes before anybody but Bueno sees the suitor.

Meanwhile, Hal Jordan stops by to battle a space dinosaur so Six Pack is going to get his chance to recruit him!

Garth Ennis should write a comic book where the Justice League just sits around badmouthing Batman.

Green Lantern is scared away from the interview by Section Eight because he...um...I don't know, thinks he's getting Punk'd or something? Maybe I'm too deep in the heart of my disease to understand what just happened. Stupid reality. Where's my medicine?!

All Star Section Eight #2 Rating: No change. This comic book is exactly what everybody who picked it up expected it to be. It's full of sweating and barfing and jerking off in dirty, desperate, despicable places. At least Garth Ennis put a dinosaur in a space helmet with a lightsaber in it or I might have slit my throat and just ended it all. Humans! Ugh. So gross.

Gotham Academy #8

Oh! I get it! Olive the other reindeer!

Last commentary, I asked why dumb people don't appreciate my commentaries. And then I found out the answer when a dumb person responded to some of my Twat Lobo commentaries on the Blogger mirror site! It turns out dumb people get angry when they read my commentaries! And then they get super angry and start drawing lines in the sand when you point out that they are not smart at all! Boy, unintelligent people sure don't like to be called dumb! Especially when they don't understand jokes! I mean, I guess, "Hey, Anonymous Person, you are dumb! Ha ha!" isn't the best joke and can probably use some workshopping. But the "ha, ha" kind of shows that it was a joke, right? Maybe I should have repeated it!

Boy, I sure hope Dumb Anon doesn't read this commentary because that person will be drawing lines in the sand all over the place! I don't know if there are enough grains of sand on all of the beaches on Earth to contain all of those lines! And it sure will be confusing. How will I know if I'm being careful and not stepping over the lines or if it's too late and I've already stepped over all of them?! I'll be paralyzed and won't be able to write any more commentaries! Just think of all of the free time that will leave me! Oh wait. I'm all turned around on this paralyzed thing! I hope Dumb Anon does read this commentary!

Last issue, Olive missed the entire issue. But judging by the cover of this issue, I'm guessing she's returned. Now Super Ha-ha Mystery Solving Pizza Club Rockfest can get busy pulling masks off sleazy real estate developers! I hope the first pizza they eat is Jalapeno and Pineapple. Mmm! My butt is burning just thinking about it! Oh! You know what would make that pizza even better? Vegetarians hide your eyes for the last half of this sentence after the colon: linguiça!

I wonder if anybody has ever put loquats on a pizza? I miss loquats so much!

This issue begins with a funeral. Somebody close to Olive died. It's possible it was her mother since she escaped from Arkham Manor in the middle of winter. And even though Olive can make fire just by thinking about it, it doesn't mean her mother can as well. So she probably froze to death. I hope Olive doesn't blame Batman because Batman didn't save her. With that logic, Olive will have to blame everybody because nobody saved her!

Actually, I'm getting ahead of myself. I still don't know who is dead!

Teenbat gets to Olive before Kyle can and she goes off to be consoled by his hunky Teenbatness. Kyle just hides behind a tree while his penis withers.

Later in the family car, Maps confirms that the funeral was for Olive's mother. Although I still haven't seen a body! And even if I saw a body, this is a comic book so Olive's mother can come back to life at any time! If Jesus Christ could come back in The Pictorial Bible then Olive's mom can come back in Gotham Academy!

Maps is frickin' adorable in that way that nobody else thinks she's as adorable as I do because she's my favorite and I called dibs on being her biggest fan. Queue for liking Maps begins behind me! And don't think you liked her before I liked her because I liked her five billion times more than you liked her in the very first panel she appeared in and probably even before that if you say you liked her earlier than that. She was my favorite when I thought her up and told Becky and Brenden about her and then they stole her from me and put her in Gotham Academy. Brenden also stole all of my sweater vests and beard oils.

Kyle is now definitely single since Olive is talking to a Teenbat. He's got all kinds of sweet tennis partners trying to get a handle on his racket but all he can do is pine for what he's lost. Or maybe he's just consumed with thoughts of Olive and Teenbat doing it constantly up in her room and he's actually more obsessed with the idea that Olive is being touched by some other guy than concerned with breaking up with Olive.

Tristan the Teenbat is busy spying on Kyle because this school is full of people who can't mind their own beeswax! Actually, Tristan is spying on Coach Humphries for the new science teacher, stupid old man Langstrom. Coach Humphries seems extra angry and he even squashed a tennis ball in his hand! I mean in a way different than in the way anybody can squash a tennis ball! I bet he's hooked on Venom!

Anyway, Kyle catches Tristan the Teenbat spying so he follows him to do some spying on Tristan! Is all of this spying extracurricular activity for Spying 101?

Holy hot as hell naked Teenbat! Rowwr! Or whatever bat's say when they see something sexy. BLIP BLIP BLIPPITY SQUEAK!

Kyle rushes off to tell Olive that she can't hang around with Tristan which only makes Olive imagine putting Tristan's cock in her butt. That's totally how things work, guys! Don't ever tell an ex you still care about not to hang around with some guy because she'll do it all over that guy after that! Also, you probably shouldn't do anything in anyway that's manipulating your ex. You should, you know, stop it already. You broke up. It's over! Go find another girl to creep out with your stalkery behavior! Just realize you never love a woman more than when you realize she'll never, ever have you and move on posthaste.

While Kyle and Olive discuss the Teenbattiness of Tristan, Maps is spying on them from the secret passage. Christ! More spying! Although this spying is the cutest spying so far.

Olive goes to talk to the guidance councilor who must be Hugo Strange because why not? Kirk Langstrom is the science professor! I bet the lunch lady is the Mad Hatter. I hope the White Rabbit is the girls' phys ed teacher!

Well, I guess Kyle never wants Olive to speak to him again.

Tristan is attacked in the graveyard but Kyle and Maps find him and help him back to Langstrom. Maybe they can all enjoy some Super Serum and become Man-Bats! If Maps were a Man-bat, I'd finally stop complaining about how lame Man-bats are! Langstrom has the kids go find Professor MacPherson because she and her dog have experience in solving paranormal mysteries! Ham and Mac to the rescue!

Kyle goes after Olive so that she can tell him she's a firestarter and then he can take advantage of her confusion and kiss her right on the mouth. So that's how you get women to kiss you! You find them in a vulnerable state and then tell them you're going to be a manly man and then kiss them before they know what's happening! I am going to get so much lip action at the roller rink this week!

Olive tells Kyle that she didn't mean to kiss him but that's okay because now Kyle can stay a single man but he still got the sweet, sweet kissing action! After Kyle leaves, Olive finds a letter from her mother and learns that her mother was really Fox Mulder!

Dun dun DUN!

Gotham Academy #8 Rating: No change. I have an idea for a new series! Gotham Academy: 20 Years Ago! Then it can star Bruce Wayne and lots of hot young kissing action! Not that I want to see Bruce Wayne kissing stuff! I just want to see the stuff he's kissing because that stuff will probably be totally cute girls! He'll be all, "Hey, lovely young lady, my parents died and I'm sad and need consolation. Do you want to come back to my dorm and watch Seinfeld with me?" Then they'll be all, "Who are you?" And he'll be all, "I'm Bruce Wayne. I have a butler." And they'll be all, "Like sure I'll go back to your dorm room all alone. Big sarcastic eyeroll! Huge fart noise! Jerking off motions!" She says all those things because that was what people did in the nineties instead of saying "hashtag" before everything. I think. I might be remembering it wrong because I was busy watching a lot of Seinfeld in the nineties and so I don't actually remember what human interactions were like back then.

Batman #42

Is this a new villain that will be the antithesis of Jim Gordon?

This issue begins with two kids arguing about which Batman action figure is the real Batman because Scott Snyder needs to acknowledge the "I'm not going to read a Batrobot" book reaction by Batman fans. Look, Scott. I was all in for anything you did in this book. After forty issues of, more or less (usually more), killing it on this book, I trust in your ability to tell a well-crafted and interesting story. But you really need to back off on the hard sell! Last issue turned me completely around on trusting you because you don't seem to trust the readers. The entire story was about convincing the Batman fans to hang in there and follow Commissioner Batman's story. Once you began doing that, I became a contrarian internet asshole and decided that I hated Commissioner Batman! My first thought before opening this comic book was that I was going to let that go (mostly because I can never stay in the same voice from commentary to commentary on any single series since each issue of an individual series winds up having forty other commentaries between them) and embrace Commissioner Batman. But then I open it up to two kids comparing Batman action figures and explaining why Bruce Wayne Batman is the real Batman and the other one is a Kmart knockoff. I get it! You figure you'll head the critics off at the pass. You'll point out that arguing which Batman is the real Batman is a childish waste of time! Message received. Now can we put all that shit behind us? Can you just accept that the readers are with you now?

The discussion between the kids is also to highlight how Commissioner Batman doesn't have a Batmobile. Well, that's been remedied.

That's not a Batmobile! That's a space station!

Commissioner Batman heads into the Narrows to battle Gee Gee Heung, a Triad crime boss with the ability to manipulate bricks and stone and dirt and mud. So he's a Terra knockoff. I hope the next page shows two kids arguing about which is the better master of earth manipulation superperson, Terra or Gee Gee Heung. Of course neither of them want to play with Geoforce because he's boring and stuffy and the biggest knockoff of them all.

More symbolism!

Being that Gee Gee can manipulate the very building blocks of Gotham City, it's as if Gotham itself is rejecting Jim Gordon as Batman. What can Gordon do to prove himself to...to...to...well, to everybody! Jim's been protecting Gotham for a long time. But when Batman came along, Batman put him in a difficult position. By being better at fighting crime than the police, Batman may have caused the people of Gotham to lose trust in the police department's ability to do its job. But now that Batman's gone, Jim has to regain the city's trust. He has to find a way to prove that the Gotham Police Department, that the justice system and all of its parts, can actually protect the citizens as well, or better, than Batman ever could. That's a tough job considering even people in real life cities that aren't plagued by super villains have a hard time trusting that the police can actually protect them, or even want to protect them!

Commissioner Batman has been capturing criminals who have been implanted with devices that give them super powers. But the devices eventually break down and kill the user with a high dose of radiation. That means whoever is behind the devices is Commissioner Batman's first real nemesis. People like Gee Gee Heung are just fodder and practice dummies.

Commissioner Batman calls his new Bat-Truck to the scene where it crashes down from the sky and nearly crushes Gee Gee to death. I don't know how the thing flew but it's a comic book about a man in an armored Bunnysuit so why should I sweat the small details? The main thing is that he stopped the bad guy! Unless the main thing is that he just destroyed a fifteen million dollar vehicle. I guess it depends on who you ask.

Before the radiation kills Gee Gee (because somehow the truck falling out of the sky on him only broke his brick exoskeleton), he tells Commissioner Batman the name of Gotham's newest enemy: Mr. Bloom! He's spraying his seed all over the city and impregnating criminals everywhere with super powers and eventual lethal doses of radiation. I think I'd rather have him in my city than those trees that, when they bloom, they smell like semen.

Well, well. It turns out Julia Perry is Penny-Two.

I think Julia's advice to Jim should put the whole confidence problem behind him. And with that, Snyder should be laying to rest his need to convince the readers as well. Julia Perrywonth is on the team! It's practically a real Batman comic book already! But we definitely need a Bruce Wayne scene before it's over or I'm going to have withdrawals.

Awwww. There it is. Eyes rolling back in the head. All over orgasmic feeling. Nothing fucking matters now. Drifting away....

We. Are. Robins! Duh dun dun dun duh duh dun!

Bruce is working at a community rec center or something and falling in love with his boss Julie Madison. MADISON! Unless she's falling in love with him. I mean, of course she's falling in love with him. He's Batman! But I think he's whiskey-a-go-go over her too.

Bruce enters the supply closet and finds Jim Gordon jerking it into an empty paint canister. Bruce is all, "What the fuck are you doing in here?" (even though it's readily apparent!). To distract Bruce, Jim Gordon is all, "Uh...uh...I'm the Jeezly Crow Batman!" Gorsh. Is there anybody left in Gotham that Jim Gordon hasn't told his secret to?

Batman #42 Rating: No change. I really want to be completely invested in the Commissioner Batman stuff but it's hard when the last three pages starring Bruce intrigue me and make me giddy while the other nineteen pages were just pages I felt I needed to read before I could get to the pages with Bruce in them! I mean, they were competent and well-written and an interesting enough story. But they didn't make me feel funny in the pants at all. Not in a pervy way! Just in that way you feel when the doctor gives you a prostate exam? You know? Hmm, maybe you don't know. Um, nevermind.

Green Arrow #42

Four years ago, Eric Sokolowski left a four star Google review for the Austin A Bell apartments in Seattle. But he didn't add any comments, darn it.

I should leave Google Reviews for places I love but I can't find any entries for my bathroom, bedroom, backyard, or living room! Five stars for all of them! Only two if I'm not there though. Except the bathroom which should probably receive like twenty when I'm not present.

Currently in Seattle, The Wart Lady is ranting and raving about the "Night Birds." Some poor kid whose mother dragged her over to listen becomes completely freaked out and her mother is all, "Oh, sorry, honey! I thought this would be a lot more like that scene in Mary Poppins!" Although that scene wasn't exactly fright-free either! Didn't The Bird Lady consume Michael's soul which is why they all had to venture into the chalkboard world to challenge the demons to a dance-off?

Anyway, a dead guy covered in bleach falls out of the sky and the little girl learns that maybe she should always listen to crazy people. It's probably a good lesson to learn. They see stuff better than the rest of us! I mean, they must because no matter how hard I focus, I can't see the Hollow Eyed Men that the bearded guy on the corner insists are all over the place.

Hey! Don't knock the yoga pants!

Riots are breaking out because the Seattle Police don't care about the black neighborhoods. I think most of them don't even know there are any black neighborhoods. I live in a black neighborhood in Portland! I mean, there's one black woman that lives on my street! That's a high density African American population for Portland! Although there are at least four breakfast places within a five minute walk from my place which proves I'm in total Whitesville, land of the lattes and the yoga pants and the Waffle Window to boot.

Anyway, since the Seattle Police aren't doing their job, the Evil Corporation which the Night Bird works as a chauffeur for has designed a flying Robosquid to patrol the black neighborhood.

Um. This seems like a really bad idea. I don't think that robot has the proper attitude.

I haven't commented on the confederate flag nonsense pervading the "media" outlets lately because I don't normally comment on idiotic bullshit. The news should spend three seconds on the story and move on and it should go like this: "Ignorant assholes refuse to stop being ignorant assholes. Coming up next: a kitten riding a pig!" I mean, sure, the issue is a pretty big deal but our national media doesn't know how to report on big deals. They just take a microphone and stick it in the face of some guy wearing a confederate flag and ask, "What do you think? Should the flag be removed from the capital building?" Then they'll find a black person to respond to the same question and when the two replies are at opposite ends of the spectrum, the reporter will shrug her shoulders and go, "Well, passions are divided here! Who's right? I don't know! Back to the studio!" Then the studio idiots will watch a YouTube video of a kitten riding a pig while saying inane shit like, "Watch this part here!" and "Oh my God! How adorable!"

I suppose I should try to look at the confederate flag situation from the point of view of people who need this symbol in their lives. I mean, I guess if I grew up on a farm without electricity for twenty years and the only way we could find the outhouse at night was to set alight the Cross-Torch, I might rankle at the idea that the neighborhood association would think the burning cross on my lawn was a racist symbol. I'd be all, "How am I going to find my way to the outhouse without the Cross-Torch?! It's simply for utilitarian purposes!" And they'd be all, "No! Bad!" Then they'd wag their fingers at me for awhile and I'd be all, "You don't have a problem with my Hummingbird Feeder Noose, do you?" Then hopefully they'd explain it to me and show me the history of racism in the south and explain how all of these things are just making everybody really uncomfortable because they're infused with racial hatred. And I'd be all, "What if I just bought a lantern and a normal hummingbird feeder then?" And they'd be all, "That would be great!"

Well, now that I've seen it from the other side, maybe they have a point! This confederate flag must be needed to, um, guide planes or keep coyotes away or something, right? We should ask these people what the flag is used for and then have them replace it with something that is not this flag but which does the same thing! I mean, unless what the flag is used for is to intimidate African Americans. Then maybe we should just put it away and not replace it with anything at all.

I still think the Duke Boys should be allowed to keep it on the top of the General Lee though. I mean, it was right there in the theme song that they were never meaning no harm! Although they were in trouble with the law since the day they were born and that was never really explained, was it? And, come to think of it, I don't think I ever saw any black people in Hazzard County. Could it be Boss Hogg was the good guy trying to run the Duke "Klan" out of town?

Yeah, I bet I know how many lines of code that took.
"10 Input 'Is the person white?'
20 If Yes then Move On
30 If No then Attack."

Why does this comic book have to be about race?! I'm too facetious in my rambling to not get in trouble at least four or five times by the stupid shit I type! I've probably already hit that limit and I'm only a few pages into the book!

A black cop steps up and is all, "Um. No?" But that's as much as he cares to add to the debate because the thing's tentacles begin going for him. It doesn't attack him though because I'm sure it has a few subroutines that keep it from killing police officers no matter what shade their skin is. You know, as long as they're in uniform. It isn't omnipotent!

The first victim of the Panopticon is white so I guess it was probably programmed to not be too obvious about its racism the first day on the job. It tears off the arm of a woman who stole a hamburger. So it's a success!

Emiko tells a boring story about why the machine is called a Panopticon. It's not unrealistic that she knew what a panopticon was. What was unrealistic was that, when Ollie pointed out he didn't know what it meant, she didn't sarcastically say, "Let me Google that for you." She also tells Oliver that his company is funding the Robotic Monster for the Seattle Police Department. Since Oliver doesn't know what legal channels to go through to stop the funding and shut down the program (and his partner is no help because his partner probably wants him to fail just like every single partner he's had since this comic book began), Green Arrow chooses to go smash up the factory where the robots are built.

While Albino Night Bird, Eater of Black Men, brings an army of Panopticons to Pennytown to break up the protest, Albino Night Bird's boss (Aaron Zimm!) waits inside a Panopticon to ambush Oliver Queen as he arrives at the empty factory.

Wait wait wait! This story was just told in this comic book when Ollie battled that Mr. King guy! And the story was already told twice on Arrow in both Season One and Season Two! Why is everybody battling to be the person in charge of keeping the city safe?!

Meanwhile, Arrow Dog realizes something is wrong and begins howling its fool head off! I wonder if Panopticons deal with noise complaints?

Green Arrow #42 Rating: -1 Ranking. If you feel like you haven't read the story where some rich bastard tries to manipulate the city into giving them power over the city so they can rule it with an iron fist and keep it "safe" while Green Arrow battles them because he's really the only person who is keeping the city safe in the right way, then you should be reading this comic book! Redundancy is fun!

Batman Beyond #2

Ambushed by The Flocked Assassin!

At times I want to do nothing more than lie on the couch in the wee early hours of the ending night and watch a horror movie or a stupid comedy on Netflix. Which is why I watched Andy Samberg in Hot Rod last night. Ignoring the clichéd plot of the underdog saving the whatever and winning the good looking something (which is actually asking a viewer to ignore the whole movie but, you know, whatever), it really works! But it only works for two reasons! You take out these two bits and the movie is utter garbage and not worth watching. The two aspects of this film which lift it into heavenly glory are Al Swearengen and the use of the worst (best! (worst! (no, no! Best!))) songs from Europe's album The Final Countdown. If you aren't familiar with the album, the movie might not have worked as well for you. But the movie had me hooked from the start by using "Danger on the Tracks" as the opening song. And I'm impressed that they had the willpower to leave "The Final Countdown" out of the movie. I guess it might have been confusing since Gob Bluth was one of the cast.

I'm only sad they didn't find a way to use the song "Ninja" in the movie. Jesus Christ, Joey Tempest and Europe! What were you guys thinking?! Every song on that album could have won the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for 1986!

On second thought, maybe Hot Rod had a little more going for it than Swearengen and Europe. Bill Hader deserves credit for playing himself perfectly and Isla Fisher should be acknowledged for wearing the crap out of clothing. I mean, the way she turned up in that sun dress? Stunning! And the Hiking shirt alone was Oscar worthy.

I just realized I began my commentary on the first issue of Batman Beyond rambling on about Ghost World. I think that might say something about how interested I am in reading this comic book. Although Tim did meet elderly Barbara Gordon at the end of the last issue and that was kind of interesting, right?

This issue begins with Tim Drake being recruited into Barbara Gordon's Secret Prisoners Who Have Retained Their Faces Club. She lives in The Lodge (that's the name of Brother Eye's Death Happiness Camp) with her friends because Brother Eye crushed their souls. But he only crushed their souls after greed, apathy, and corruption crushed their spirits. What's the difference between a spirit and a soul? No wait! I know! Spirit is like cheering for your high school football team while soul is like making other people feel sexy with your dancing and singing. So they're more different than I thought they were after I thought about them a little bit.

As if any gathering is authorized!

I bet the first mandatory class you have to take in the Joe Kubert School of Drawing Comic Books is "Window Breaking/Wall Smashing 101." I wonder if artists ever even learn how to draw a door being opened? I do know one artist that can draw a door being opened! Brian Bolland!

The Flocked Assassin from the cover seems to be running The Lodge along with her sidekick, Deathstrobot. He looks less formidable as a robot than he does as a Tony S. Daniel drawing. I wonder if he got to keep his youthful testicles? The Flocked Assassin has noticed that one of the men escaped the batch of new prisoners and was replaced by a woman. This could be trouble which means this woman must be questioned in an ethical manner to find out what she knows or The Lodge could lose their insurance.

Brother Eye and Tim Drake sitting in a tree!

I hope Brother Eye's Nemesis is a huge sheep so that when they meet, Brother Eye will say "It is Eye!" and his nemesis will say "No! Not Ewe!"

Ouch. I think I strained my pun muscle.

Barbara Gordon and Tim Drake can't hide underground for long before they're discovered by Inque and Deathblow! I bet Deathblow loves hanging around with Inque so that his name isn't the worst in the group for once. Although I'm sure Deathblow was probably a pretty creative name among the heroes he hung out with.

Also I'm just guessing that it's Deathblow. I know with my comic book reading skills, there's only a sliver of a chance that I'm wrong. But sometimes slivers can be pretty big! Although big slivers are always better than small slivers because they're easier to pull out with my huge manly hands full of muscles and chest hair.

Can we hold a summit where we agree to retire the phrase "I've got your [thing referenced earlier] right here"?

Tim Drake pulls out his Audio/Visual cables and plugs himself into the back of Deathblow's neck. His suit fires up and Alfred is back to talk Tim through everything that doesn't involve body functions. Alfred tells Tim Drake about Inque because, like me, he never watched the Batman Beyond cartoon. I bet the best way to deal with her is either to freeze her solid or to dip a quill in her and quickly write the Great American Novel. I'm sure Alfred will know how to best her in battle.

Alfred informs Tim that water is a good weapon against Inque. Not really. Unless you also include tons of soap and harsh chemical cleaners and some seriously rough scrubbing pads, Inque is really tricky to defeat. Tim Drake learns that the hard way and winds up a prisoner of Brother Eye. Next issue, he's going to be processed while Brother Eye watches from his base on the moon. And Brother Eye isn't just a big bank of computers or a satellite or WOPR! Nope! He's a humanoid automaton! Or, more probably, a cyborg! My guess is that it's Harvest! I mean Michael Holt! I mean Jason Todd!

Batman Beyond #2 Rating: No change. I wonder how well this comic book is doing so far. This comic book must be for Tim Drake fans, right? Because it seems like they're alienating the Terry McGinnis fans. If you're a fan of the cartoon (or the comics based on the cartoon), why read Batman Beyond if the main character isn't Terry McGinnis? I guess for the same reason many fans stuck around for the reboot? Plus I guess having Tim go up against Inque might be exciting for fans familiar with Inque. I like her when she looks like flocked wallpaper. Anyway, I'm not recommending this comic book to anybody because I don't know who would like this comic book?! Maybe fans of an older Barbara Gordon?