Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #2

Did Steve Dillon think this was Six Pack Loves Rabbit Welder?

The Commentary!
• This issue begins with John Constantine moaning about DC Comics merging the Vertigo titles which spawned from the DC Universe back into the regular DC Universe. He probably doesn't say anything about the Wildstorm Universe because he doesn't know about it and also because DC is bringing it back as its own thing. I guess they're kind of doing that for the Vertigo titles too but they're going to be Young Animals titles now. Because that name will probably make cool kids who read comics (which are actually just the least dorky of the nerds who read comics) think, "Young! That's me! And Animals? I'm wild like that! I'd only be more interested in these comic books if they were under the Random Hookup label!"

• The title of this issue is "Heckblazer" because DC wouldn't allow Ennis to use "Constantine Can't Say Cunt in His Own Comic Book Anymore."

Although he sort of says cunt here!

• The Spectre has returned to Gotham City to send Baytor back to Hell. Uh oh! Who's going to run Noonan's if Baytor is banished?

• Noonan, Nat, and Tommy get a cameo this issue in a memory! How long before Garth Ennis gets to write another Hitman series? I'm sure he can think up a reason to bring Tommy and Nat back, and some great stories to tell. Heck, he doesn't even have to bring them back. He can just tell new stories from the past.

• The Spectre doesn't remember what Baytor looks like due to DC's constant rebooting of the universe. So he keeps asking, "Who is Baytor? Who is Baytor? Which one of you is Baytor? Come on! Just say which one of you is Baytor?" And Baytor can't resist screaming the only thing he ever screams (well, mostly ever). Luckily Six Pack shuts him up before identifying himself. Section Eight has already lost enough members.

• Constantine tells Dog Welder that he can speak but he has to utilize the dog in a particular way.

This is all canon, right? Completely in continuity, right?

• Baytor finally manages to scream who he is. But he doesn't get sent to hell because everybody at Noonan's pulls a Spartacus on The Spectre. I don't see why The Spectre doesn't just send them all to Hell! What's it to him?

• The Spectre gets on the phone with God to find out what he should do. And whattya know? God thinks like me! He tells The Spectre to just send them all to Hell! That would probably make an entertaining and completely disgusting comic book all on its own.

• Dog Welder arrives and says "We are all Baytor" through the dog on the end of his fist. Apparently that's the first sign of some oncoming apocalypse. I think the second sign is The Spectre shitting his pants.

• Constantine knows of a real apocalypse that's headed Earth's way (probably the one he's bringing about by teaching Dog Welder how to be a proper incarnation of Dog Welder) that only Dog Welder can stop (because he's the only one who can start it?). But first he needs to train Dog Welder! Section Eight decides to tag along since they're supposed to be going on some kind of road trip in this thing and it's already been two issues without leaving Noonan's.

The Ranking!
+1! Ennis has been given this book to criticize DC Comics because what's new? Most of the time biting the hand that feeds you is a poor tactic. But occasionally, biting the hand that feeds you makes you a star! Or is this really just a case of biting the hand that feeds you when you don't need the food but the hand really needs to be associated with you so that the hand can make a shitload of money?

Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #1

The Things!
• Time for Six Pack and Dog Welder to see America and realize that they can't solve the world's real problems like racism and homophobia and sexism and whatever affects straight white guys that's as bad as those other things. Maybe poverty for the ones who are the most racist, homophobic, and sexist!

• Don't you wish you never had to clarify anything you said because most people don't understand subtlety and can't seem to think for themselves? From now on, instead of clarifying something that somebody misunderstood (because they generally misunderstand it on purpose in pursuit of their own agenda), I'm just going to start shrugging a lot.

• Garth Ennis decides to get the maudlin bit out of the way before he starts in on the Bueno Excellente sodomy jokes. Hiding in the dark, Dog Welder watches his family from outside the picture window as they settle in with a new father and husband. See, he was possessed by the Dog Welder costume but apparently enough of his old self exists to feel sad over the loss of his old life. Or maybe he was just hoping the presents the kids were opening would contain puppies.

• But enough of that sentimental shit! Let's get back to Noonan's!

• No, Six Pack! You're reading it upside down and probably backwards. The message is that superheroes can't fix racism!

• I think maybe I'm Six Pack! Except without the drinking. Because when he says "Provin' racism is bad, an' AIDS is okay, an' all that kinda important stuff...", I get a sense of deja vu. Like maybe I've said that before! Racism is bad! And AIDS is okay! I mean, it's not the stigma it was when that actor clown was president! Now it's like you meet somebody with AIDS and you're all, "Hey! You've got AIDS too! Great!"

• I sort of missed the point when AIDS seemed to become fairly manageable. Did somebody market a medicine based on Magic Johnson's semen? Maybe I missed it because the media stopped treating AIDS like the Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse while AIDS medicines just quietly got better and better at managing the disease so that it wasn't the disease that did so much damage to the world. I don't even have it and it's affected my life in really terrible ways. Like every time U2's "One" comes on the radio, I'm like, "Arg! I wish I was dead! But not from AIDS!"

• Six Pack and Hacken are having a discussion at the bar but it's different than their past discussions because Hacken has decided to become an intellectual. Mostly that means he reads books while sitting at a bar deflecting Six Pack's statements back at him as questions and pursing his lips a bit as he sips his cider. So basically he's become one of those people who sip beers at the bar while reading to make up for their lack of a personality. I suppose it's something.

• Hacken lists Section 8's recent missions: Zombie Night at the Petting Zoo; Sandman: the Buenomancer; Secret Bars; and Retardance. So Zombie Night at the Petting Zoo is a riff on Hitman's Zombie Night at the Zoo. Sandman: the Buenomancer is a more disturbing image of Sandman than the Cockroach's version in Cerebus. Secret Bars equals Secret Wars. But Retardance? I'm missing the reference on that one even if the image is not making me laugh at all because that would probably be wrong for some reason.

• Bueno is cheating on Guts with every dumpster in The Cauldron. Guts is currently being consoled in Noonan's by her superhero buddies, Power Girl, Catwoman, and Starfire.

• This issue might have the best characterization of Starfire ever.

• It only takes a few pages for Garth Ennis to freak me the fuck out over how disgusting and terrible the human body is. How does sentience reside in this disgusting meat factory of slop?! It's fucking lipstick on a pig, the human experience! My mind can contemplate the most sublime ideas while my body rumbles, growls, squelches, and slowly fails me. Thanks for bringing me down, Ennis! And you're not off the hook, Russ Braun! Enough with the detailed vomit and snot and drool and whatever all the other puddles and mounds of possibly rectal filth are!

• While Six Pack tries to figure out a way to get the team to at least be better than the Teen Titans, some weird Great Old One shit is going down outside in the sky. And then Constantine arrives to explain to Dog Welder what he really is.

• John also explains that Dog Welder and the mask have some connection with Egypt, so I guess he's sort of like Doctor Fate but with some kind of puppy power. I think if I don't capitalize "puppy power," I'm not infringing any trademarks.

• The big green glowing swirly Great Old One mess in the sky just turns out to be The Spectre. He says he's come for "the fugitive from divine justice" as he points at Section 8. After the whole Constantine bit, it seems obvious he means Dog Welder.

The Review!
Garth Ennis has made a career out of hating super hero comic books and finding ways to write them anyway. Which is really why he generally writes such good superhero comic books. Because he isn't writing comic books about super powers attached to people. He's just interested in writing the stories about people who might just happen to have super powers, or live in a world where people have super powers. Plus since he's writing in that world, he enjoys poking fun at that world just as the fans do constantly, even while still enjoying it. I mean, Garth Ennis wrote Hitman, a guy whose x-ray vision and mind-reading ability were supposed to help make him the greatest hitman ever. And yet how often does he use those powers in the entire run of Hitman? Occasionally he'll use the x-ray vision but I think he practically gives up on the mind-reading right from the start. Anyway, that's how I remember it! I haven't read Hitman in twenty years, probably. Speaking of which, I really should fucking get to reading The Boys, another series that's pretty much anti-superhero. I wonder if Excalibur's Labor Day sale counts for trades too? I guess I should go check later today!

All Star Section Eight #2

I know you can use the Lantern ring to make a baseball mitt, a one ton weight, and a sex doll...but alcohol? Come on!

Last issue, Batman turned down an offer to join Section Eight. This issue, Green Lantern turns down an offer to join Section Eight. Did I miss anything?

One thing I missed was that this issue is called "It's Not Easy Being Green" which is just a lazy title. It's probably been used as many times as Gorilla Warfare. Unoriginality is a plague that eventually visits most writers, even ones like Garth Ennis who is known for always being innovative and exciting because he never steals ideas from anybody but himself. Like how many times have you read a comic book by anybody other than Garth Ennis where somebody is sodomized? Pretty much never, right? And how many comic books have you read by Garth Ennis where nobody gets sodomized? Practically never! See? Total original, that guy.

This is the first ever presentation of on-panel fingering of a butthole in a mainstream comic book. If you discount the seven or eight times that happened in Preacher.

At one point during the comic book, Six Pack blacks out and hears somebody trying to council him for his alcohol. But he's able to maintain his fugue state, return to Noonan's, and continue his quest for Green Lantern. It's a good thing writers are still allowed to make fun of a serious illness like alcoholism. Although, if we're going to be frank about it, is alcoholism really an illness? Isn't "reality" the real illness here? Alcohol is just a friendly reminder that we don't have to be shackled to the horrible life we've made for ourselves! Instead, we can drink until we forget our families and our jobs and society's expectations of us. And sometimes some people imbibe too much friendly reminder far too often until their entire world falls apart. But then they start a new life and stop drinking because the real problem was the old life which walked out on them when they were drunk all of the time and the new life is an empty slate and a reason to start over! Yay for alcohol! You solved the problem yet again!

That's what Six Pack is doing! Alcohol allows him to be the super hero he's always wanted to be instead of that boring old life as an art critic.

Section Eight dress up like Green Lanterns so they can attract the attention of the real Green Lantern. It's one of those plans that is the exact opposite of foolproof. But at least Guts dresses up in a Slutty Vampire Costume (which is really just female underwear). So that's hot?

This comic book is just a twenty page reminder how disgusting it is to be a human being.

Bueno Excellente stops masturbating because he's suddenly challenged by a rival suitor. It's a mystery who it might be though because the scene changes before anybody but Bueno sees the suitor.

Meanwhile, Hal Jordan stops by to battle a space dinosaur so Six Pack is going to get his chance to recruit him!

Garth Ennis should write a comic book where the Justice League just sits around badmouthing Batman.

Green Lantern is scared away from the interview by Section Eight because he...um...I don't know, thinks he's getting Punk'd or something? Maybe I'm too deep in the heart of my disease to understand what just happened. Stupid reality. Where's my medicine?!

All Star Section Eight #2 Rating: No change. This comic book is exactly what everybody who picked it up expected it to be. It's full of sweating and barfing and jerking off in dirty, desperate, despicable places. At least Garth Ennis put a dinosaur in a space helmet with a lightsaber in it or I might have slit my throat and just ended it all. Humans! Ugh. So gross.