Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #31 (First Week of July 2018)

E!TACT #31
Super Sons Love Dynomutt #1, Aquaman Loves Jabberjaw #1, Black Lightning Loves Hong Kong Phooey #1, Flash Loves Speed Buggy #1, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy

COMIC BOOK REVIEWS!

Super Sons Love Dynomutt #1 (May 30th, 2018)
By Tomasi, Pasarin, Albert, and Eltaeb

I may be caught up on Batman and his lack of honeymoon cat pussy but I'm so far behind on my weekly comics that I'm considering the terrible idea of doing haiku reviews for all the comics currently in my stack. The problem with that is that haikus in English are not beautiful and rarely interesting. Any form of poetry that can be done by somebody who counts syllables on their fingers is not a form of poetry worth reading. Again, though, I'm speaking purely of haikus in English. The reason haikus in Japanese are beautiful and interesting are that all of their syllables are basically the same length.

Some people might argue with me that a syllable is a syllable is a syllable but then I'd rebut that argument with an asshole is an asshole is an asshole.

Anyway, I'm not doing the haiku thing. But I really should think of some way to shorten the amount of time it takes to review each comic book. I have done limericks before. Those are also short, like haikus, but they're tougher to write. Not because it's harder to rhyme a few words than to count to seventeen but because limericks should be witty. It could take a little time to think up a good twist in the limerick's final line whereas I can whip up a haiku in fifteen seconds. It won't be any good but then how would that differentiate it from any other haiku?!

Ha ha! I just zinged haikus! Take that, you pretentious style of poetry!

Here are a couple of classic limericks I wrote for Superman:

Jimmy Olsen was murdered last issue,
So Superman needed a tissue.
He pulled out his cock,
And jerked off in a sock,
Screaming, "Jimmy, my pal, how I miss you!"

It turned out Jim was not really dead.
"We knew it!" the fanboys all said.
Some posted smart theories,
Amidst genial queries,
But mostly they snorted and meh'd.

Those are pretty good, right? They're better than some of the classics. Like these:

There was an old man from Nantucket,
Whose cock was so long he could suck it;
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
'If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it.'

There was an old lady from Grott,
Who lived on green apples and snot;
When she couldn't get these,
She lived on the cheese
She scraped from the end of her twat.

Gross. Anyway. I guess maybe I should just read this stupid comic book that I bought simply because really young me loved Blue Falcon and Dynomutt. I even had the boring board game. It was so boring that I almost called it a "bored" game before I thought better of that dumb joke and punished myself by punching myself in the face simply because I thought of it.

Have you ever punched yourself so hard in the face that you see stars? The trick is to surprise yourself otherwise you'll pull the punch. "But how do I do that, Grunion Guy?" you rightly ask. "Well, what you do is," I explain patiently to the obvious dum-dums who have never punched themselves so hard in the face that they've seen stars, "You agree to ride as a passenger in a convertible owned by a guy who can't drive. So when he takes an insane corner, you forget the top is down and you quickly reach up to grab the roof to steady yourself. Being that the roof isn't there, you punch yourself hard in the face! Ta da!"

The issue begins with Dynomutt's secret origin. Basically he grew old and was about to die so Blue Falcon put robot parts in him. For some reason, those parts didn't just keep him alive. They also allowed his legs to grow really long and gave him the ability to talk. I guess Blue Falcon cut him open and thought, "While I'm in here...!"

After that, Clark, Lois, and Jon go to a funeral.

Who bukkaked Archie in his casket?

I mean, "There once was a man known as Archie,
Whose dead body we all had to see,
One viewer was horny,
And not quite so mourny,
So he taught us all how to bukkake."

That might have sounded disrespectful and insulting but, in my defense, I have no idea what vitiligo is. So I couldn't have been making fun of it. Whatever it is. Who knows? Not me!

Rating: It's hard to get the entirety of one story into one limerick but I'm going to try by generalizing the plot into non-existence! Here we go:

Blue Falcon dies at the end,
But before that, the story does wend,
Not much is said,
And then Falcon is dead.
Surprise! Blue Falcon winds up on the mend!

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Aquaman Loves Jabberjaw #1 (May 30th, 2018)
By Abnett, Parker, Pelletier, Kolins, Hennessy, Beredo, and McCaig

Hopefully this story is about a rash of shark attack victims across landlocked states of the USA. "Who could possibly be behind these horrible atrocities?" thinks Aquaman as he watches a great white shark shred on the drums. "How the fuck does he manage that double bass?! Wicked!"

Hmm. Apparently I wasn't too far off on Aquaman's investigative technique.

The King of the Sea: "Hey, land person. Anything going on in the ocean I should know about?!"

Strange shark sightings have been reported in Amnesty Bay. They're not strange because the shark shouldn't be feeding in the bay but because the shark is super friendly and rocks people's socks off. So it sounds like it's a situation that desperately needs the attention of a member of the Justice League. You don't want too many people having a pleasant encounter with a great white shark. What if they begin to think all great whites are friendly?!

Now I'm beginning to wonder if maybe this is an allegory about the rise of white supremacy in the United States of America.

Aquaman meets up with Jabberjaw to discover he's just a big Rodney Dangerfield/Lou Costello/Curly wannabe. So maybe I was too quick to assume political commentary in a Hanna-Barbera/DC mashup comic book.

Poor white conservatives can't even read a relaxing Aquaman Loves Jabberjaw comic book without being subtly criticized!

Did I say "subtly criticized"? Apparently I'm better at reading comic books than I first realized (and, believe me, I realized I was great at it almost immediately! I ain't no humble pair of titties!) because this absolutely is a comic book about white supremacy. Man. Now I'm just depressed. I was hoping I was going to escape reality for a few minutes and just read the innocent story of a great white shark banging human groupies.

I mean, seriously, Dan Abnett. Can't you keep your liberal agenda to yourself?! This is so uncivil, criticizing Trumpers right here in a comic book that should be free of politics! How am I, an ultra-liberal tool of communism, supposed to enjoy a book that skewers racist, misogynistic, anti-sea-life bastards?! Oh wait! I just realized what I typed! This is terrific! For a second there, I thought I was a white male conservative who gets super defensive whenever somebody points out that our country is being dismantled by white male conservatives and then writes posts on Facebook like "Both sides aren't being very civil! Stop attacking people that I identify with and pointing out that maybe some of my thoughts and ideas are problematic and gross! Jerks!"

In the end, Aquaman realizes that people only respond to propaganda and mind control so he teaches Jabberjaw's band, The Neptunes, to use aqua-telepathy to brainwash the masses into being cool to each other. Wait a second. Is that a good message? Is Dan Abnett's message actually the opposite of what I thought?! Is he a conservative criticizing the entertainment industry for espousing liberal views to make the world a better place?! I'm confused!

I wish this story had just been about a shark fucking the ladies.

There's a Captain Caveman story in the end that points out how punching Nazis goes way back. Way, way, way back. So far way back that we just have to accept that Nazis need to be punched. You can't spend your life not punching Nazis?! I mean, what can you do?! It's right there in a comic book!

Rating: I think this book was so liberal that every conservative who read it immediately began boycotting DC comic books and burned their Action Comics #1 to own the libtards. Although, was it too liberal? I mean, the plot revolves around a racist Ocean Master who is obviously a stand-in for racist conservative Americans. But then his whole anti-sea-life mission is being financed by a liberal, anti-human agenda! The fucking liberals are behind it all to make white males look bad! And in the end, the only way to get the liberal message across to the world is to sink it into their brains with telepathic pop songs, essentially brainwashing them into compliance! I think this is one of those "both-sides-ism" things! Poor Jabberjaw being exploited by Dan Abnett for his confusing political agenda!

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Black Lightning Loves Hong Kong Phooey #1 (May 30th, 2018)
By Hill, Parker, Cowan, Sienkiewicz, Kolins, Cox, and Avina

I can't explain what it was because I was seven but I fell in love with Scatman Crothers. I couldn't get enough of him. I wanted him to be my father and my best friend. It was partially due to my weird childhood fetishization of old men. Going in Style was one of my all time favorite movies. I loved anything with Art Carney in it. I adored George Burns. I thought of my first grade speech therapy teacher, an old man, as my best friend. I used to bother my old male neighbor to go on walks around the block with me. And when I realized Scatman Crothers was a person that existed when I first saw Scavenger Hunt, it was love at first sight. Not romantic love, of course! I wasn't sexual yet! Jesus! Stop sexualizing seven year olds, you gross perv!

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I loved Scatman Crothers (and Art Carney! But he has nothing to do with this so forget about him now!). I also loved Hong Kong Phooey. Those of you familiar with Hong Kong Phooey know where this is going. See, he was voiced by Scatman Crothers. Maybe that's why I fell in love with him. Maybe I subconsciously recognized the voice. I'm not sure when I learned Scatman gave voice to Phooey (it's not like it's hard to figure out. It's not like Scatman put on a different cartoon voice for the gig!) but I'm sure I met the realization with a heart-eyed, "Ohhhhhh!"

I also really loved Roddy McDowall. He was right around fifty at the time my old man fetish was developing, so he probably fits. He also played that aging horror host in Fright Night which played into the whole weird obsession I had. But this doesn't fit into the narrative I'm developing either. I only brought it up because I loved him so much! He was also in Scavenger Hunt. Maybe I just loved everybody in that movie because I had a bit of a thing for Richard Mulligan too.

If you're a young person, you just had to Google about ten different people and movies.

Um, anyway, what I'm trying to say is DC Comics picked the line-up of Hanna-Barbera cartoon tie-ins this month directly out of my brain. Dynomutt and Blue Falcon, Jabberjaw and the Neptunes, and Hong Kong Phooey were three of my favorite cartoons. And Black Lightning was one of my first favorite DC comic book characters thanks to Batman and the Outsiders, one of the first comic book series I began picking up when I discovered my first local comic book shop in Santa Clara, Brian's Books. So for me, this is the team up of the millennia!

Not to toot my own horn (although it would be irresponsible and gross to toot somebody else's horn without consent (also, tooting my own horn isn't a euphemism for something gross that shouldn't be done in public (but even if it was, I just stated that I wasn't tooting my own horn (even if the point of saying "not to toot my own horn" means you're just about to toot your own horn)))) but I've now forgotten what I was going to say after all those parenthetical references. Oh, I remember the toot: I spelled "millennia" correctly on the first try!

Rating: It was underwhelming. So underwhelming that I don't even want to discuss it. But I did really enjoy one panel from the Funky Phantom back-up story!

Gouverneur Morris doesn't get enough love! Glad to see my favorite founding father mentioned!

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Flash Loves Speed Buggy #1 (May 30th, 2018)
By Lobdell, Booth, Rapmund, Irwin, Livesay, Banning, Deering, and Dalhouse

Even though I can do a lousy Speed Buggy impression, I didn't get this comic book because of my nostalgic love of the cartoon. I got it because I hate myself and realized I hadn't read a Lobdell comic in quite some time. Plus this comic has the added bonus of Brett Booth's drawings of gigantic thighs!

Before I explain how this issue begins, I want everybody to take a deep breath. You might want to sit down. Maybe have a cool glass of water handy. I don't want you to be too shocked at how this Scott Lobdell story begins. Are you prepared to read the first line of the story? No, no! Don't try to guess what it might be! You might strain yourself! Okay, are you prepared? Here it comes...

I know, right!? You probably thought it was going to begin "My name is Superboy."

Just be thankful I didn't scan the picture of Wally West because it's 85% thigh. It's really disturbing. Maybe not as disturbing as the writing though.

Scott Lobdell is so terrible at writing that he doesn't realize that words in speech bubbles aren't read by other characters but are meant to indicate spoken words.

I know that the previous panel is supposed to be funny. We're supposed to laugh and think, "The Flash just said what I was thinking! How do you pronounce that?!" But really only awful comic book fans who have somehow been deluded into thinking Scott Lobdell writes decent comic books will not immediately think, "You just heard how he pronounces it, you stupid fuck. Also, how do you know there's a percentage sign in his name? Unless it's pronounced 'Kilgpercentagesignre.' In which case, we're back to the first point and you just learned how to pronounce it. You stupid fuck."

Speed Buggy shows up because his name is on the cover. What?! You need more reason than that? You did see Lobdell's name on the cover, right? You should know better if you saw Lobdell's name on the cover and you expected a coherent story that was entertaining for people who aren't concerned with remaking The Last Jedi.

Speed Buggy picks up The Flash and they drive up Kilg%re's asshole. I don't think I'm making that up. It's possible I'm reading too much into the story. I'd know for sure if it wasn't for Brett Booth's terrible panel layouts, his flaming raccoon turd art (that probably reads as "kinetic" for the people who enjoy this shit and who are also developmentally arrested at age twelve), and the incomprehensibility of Scott Lobdell's "I don't give a fuck about this story as long as I get paid, bitches!" storytelling ability.

Inside Kilg%re's colon, Speed Buggy and Wally West encounter the Speed Force. Luckily the Speed Force is such nonsensical bullshit that it should be right up Lobdell's plot alley.

Speed Buggy and The Flash defeat Kilg%re by saying a bunch of scientific words. It doesn't really matter because, according to Brett Booth's seizure inducing visuals, I almost died reading it. But I'm back in my chair and my head is bandaged so I'm ready to keep reading. I don't dare reread the previous bit so I'm just going to have to assume that there's a reason for Wally West to be turning against Speed Buggy's driver now. I think it might have had to do with a rail of coke and an upskirt shot.

There's so much terrible stuff to rant about in a Scott Lobdell story with Brett Booth art that I probably shouldn't stop to point out that these jerkos typed "well-intetioned." I probably shouldn't but I'm a terribly petty asshole.

It turns out the guy driving Speed Buggy is the smartest scientist in the world. That's one of three characters Scott Lobdell knows how to write. The other two are "teenager who wants to fuck the person he's beating up" and "sassy teenager that talks directly to the reader as he comments on his own story in an omnipresent manner." I almost said one of his characters was a baton twirling passerby who knows more about the plot than Green Arrow but that was one of Ann Nocenti's.

Doctor Veritas's male counterpart, Doctor Blanc, explains to Wally West that science can do whatever it wants so go fuck yourself, goody-two-shoes! He also calls the multiverse the "omniverse" which is Scott Lobdell's trademark. I can't help but wonder why editors never tell him to stop using that term since nobody in the DC Universe calls it the Omniverse. Unless they're in a Scott Lobdell story. You would think more continuity nerds would be up in arms about this but I guess they're all too busy writing terribly punctuated essays about how Tom King is ruining Batman.

The idiotic editors also allow Brett Booth to put more of those stupid fucking Pizza Fish advertisements into the story. What the fuck do Scott Lobdell and Brett Booth have on the editors at DC?! Why can't the editors tell them to knock off the junior high school shenanigans!? This is a professional field of artistic work, isn't it?!

I mean, I guess it isn't because Booth and Lobdell have been allowed careers in comic booking.

Rating: Look. I couldn't keep writing about this shit. Once again, Lobdell writes a terrible time travel story. Time travel stories are great for writers who don't understand how to write stories. Nobody needs any motivation because they get their motivation from somebody in the future changing things. Then the hero's only motivation is to return things to normal. It's like a shortcut to a plot. In this story, The Flash has to defeat Savitar who changed time to allow him to rule the world. But The Flash says, "Oh yeah?! Two can play at that game!" Then he and Speed Buggy change time back so that Savitar doesn't rule the world. Meanwhile, nobody else notices that anything happened.

Scott Lobdell is the worst.

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Letters to Me!

I Wrote (about Anonymous!): "But I refused to explain the magic trick and instead just continued to boggle at his inability to understand exaggeration for effect and obvious bias disguised as impartial critique."

Anonymous Replied: "It's mind-boggling that you'd try justifying the drivel that you write, especially considering it's not as clever or witty as you like to believe."

I Wrote (about Anonymous!): Not that I should be surprised by that response and then insult their learning disability that I'm sure they've been struggling with for years when the whole point of my reviews is that they're supposed to sound like an arrogant yet somewhat stupid asshole who doesn't know how to write reviews!

Anonymous Replied: "Given the state of your writing, it's odd that you of all people would make fun of learning disabilities. Even more, your argument falls flat considering the fact that you actually are biased and conceited. The fact you let crap by Steve Orlando get a pass, a guy whose JLA comics makes Cullen Bunn's Lobo series seem like Oscar-worthy material in comparison, speaks volumes. Bunn's Lobo was mediocre at best, even if it departs further than Bennet's, but Orlando's take was horrible. And the sad part is you haven't even refuted what I had said in terms of the state of Lobo within the DCU - the character's no better than how he was when the New 52 version debuted. At least when Bennet had been writing there seemed to be potential for something interesting. Hopefully Scott Snyder will do a better job."

My Reply: I wonder if Anonymous watched a magician saw a woman in half, he'd start an argument with the guy about how the guy didn't really saw the woman in half. Then when the magician explains the trick and says, "Yeah, see, it's a trick, buddy. I didn't really expect anybody to believe I could actually saw a woman in half," Anonymous would say, "Oh, nice try, pretending you didn't really want me to believe you sawed the woman in half! Your argument that you didn't really expect me to believe it falls flat because you did the trick expecting I'd believe it!" Or something like that. Maybe I'm terrible at terrible analogies because of my learning disability.

Anyway, Anonymous's problem is that he's unwilling to step away from his initial conceit about my arrogance and bias. I just told him the trick and explained the voice I use in writing my blogs and he refuses to accept it.

Me: "I'm supposed to sound like an arrogant yet somewhat stupid asshole who doesn't know how to write reviews."
Anonymous: "That argument falls flat because you're an arrogant yet somewhat stupid asshole who doesn't know how to write reviews!"

Anonymous Writes (in response to my suggestion that Rogol Zaar reminds me of Lobo): There are plenty of characters with pale skin and skull belt buckles, even outside of comics.

My Reply:

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And that's all I have time for! I mean, that's all the time I want to spend on this thing! Later, jerkos!

Flash #70 (November 1992)

The Free Speech crowd attacking two people (and a dog) on Twitter because they had pronouns in their bio.

I wouldn't hate on people who are actually pro-free-speech but we currently live in the stupidest time where people fully do not understand free speech. It's possible they understand it but after fifty years on this planet, I've finally stopped giving people the benefit of the doubt. So when they're all for banning books because the targets of the ban are people they fundamentally disagree with and they see the ban as a punishment but cry their snowflake asses off about censorship when a twelve year old girl on tumblr demands that they stop saying "retard," you kind of have to either believe they don't understand free speech or they're just hypocritical assholes. Oh, wait. I just realized that by concluding they don't understand free speech, I was giving them the benefit of the doubt! Sorry, they're just assholes! My bad!

Ha ha. I'm still laughing about "incelorillas."

Flash spends the first three pages of this issue explaining what happened in the last piece of the story arc for the readers who couldn't afford the extra $1.25 to purchase Green Lantern #31 this month. That doesn't seem like much but I'm not even sure how I was able to afford it in 1992. I guess I played one less game of Cyberball down at 4th Street Bowl at two in the morning that week.

Green Lantern spends the fourth page trying to grab some bananas with his ring. Recently having devolved into a caveman, Hal Jordan has been reduced to the basest male actions: eating, fucking, and killing. Luckily for Flash, Hal has yet to realize how horny he is.

If I were Wally, I'd shove one yellow boot into my asshole and one over my cock.

I bet Wally, having a way bigger brain than I have and being far less concerned about Hal's new caveman sexual desires, will throw one of his boots over Hal's hand to incapacitate him. Rex will probably just piss all over himself to become invulnerable to Green Lantern.

The duo's real threat is Grodd and his new mega-brain. But they probably don't have to worry about Grodd taking over the world. Once Grodd's Incelorilla Army realizes he's not a Chad but a disabled Beta Cuck, they'll abandon him to look for a real Alpha to tell them how to trick women into banging them.

I'm not sure what's up with Hector. I guess he's become a caveman too. He's probably off angrily fucking a rock which he'll eat afterward.

Who would have guessed this would be Wally's solution? Oh yeah! Big brained me!

Using his newly acquired telepathic powers, Wally takes over Hal's mind and uses the ring to return them both to their normal forms. But in doing so, Wally saps the last of the meteor's power. They won't be able to use the same trick on Grodd and Hector. Speaking of Hector, he finally turns up on page 7.

Danny is playing the part of that rock I mentioned earlier.

Danny is Rex's military buddy. Or was? Doesn't matter. He was never important to this story.

Rex the Wonder Dog can now speak normally due to the meteor's power which makes Danny superfluous anyway. He tracks Gorilla Grodd back to Gorilla City where they find Grodd has used his new mental powers to possess and control every single ape in the city. Now even the apes who get laid regularly are fighting for him.

Meanwhile, Danny doesn't get fucked and eaten because Bobo parachutes out of the sky in the nick of time to save him.

Damn, Bobo. Just gonna throw around the casual slurs, hunh?

Good thing Vandal Savage wasn't around to hear Bobo speak this shit. Speaking of Vandal Savage, didn't he gain his intelligence and immortality from a meteor like this? How many of these meteors are there in the DC Universe? Was Metamorpho's Orb of Ra one of these things? Where did these meteors come from?

While Hal and Wally hide inside a giant green bubble to protect themselves from Grodd's psychic blasts, Rex the Wonder Dog sneaks up on Grodd and attacks.

Once again, Grodd freaks the fuck out when he's attacked by a dog. But this time, his body is too weak to punch the shit out of Rex and he's mauled to death.

Grodd actually defeats Rex but in doing so, he uses up too much of his power. Bobo drops out of the sky again to save Rex while Flash kicks Grodd in the face. After that, Rex is able to destroy Grodd's mind, rendering him as idiotic and devolved as Hammond. Rex, on the other hand, gets to maintain his newfound powers without anybody saying a word. I guess that's because he's a good boy?

Grodd and Hammond become prisoners in Gorilla City where Solovar will continue to attempt to make them useful to Gorilla City. First, they're learning how to push buttons for bananas. Later, they'll probably be trained to clean the Gorilla City septic tanks. Bobo decides to spend some vacation time in Gorilla City fucking lady apes even though he's a chimpanzee. So gross. This book is depraved.

The Flash #70 Rating: C. Average story with really nice art except when it came to Flash's buttocks. I don't know what Greg LaRocque was going for when he was drawing Flash's ass but I suspect it derived from a kink somewhere in Greg's subconscious. It was more upsetting to me than the ten minutes I spent after reading the comic book thinking about Bobo the Chimpanzee fucking lady gorillas.

I suppose the ass of a man who runs at the speed of light is going to develop strangely.

Flash #69 (October 1992)

Are these the same two kids Green Lantern saved from drowning in Green Lantern #27?

Don't answer that! I know they're not! I probably shouldn't have even suggested that I thought that. I should have written something like, "Hector Hammond has more forehead than eighteen balding Harvard alumni!" Except funnier and more cutting and probably mentioning four or five penises. Some nights, I'm just not on my game. But I still need to read these fucking comic books or else how am I going to get through the other twenty short boxes cluttering up my bedroom?! You think I want to read one old comic book every day?! You think I don't realize how little respect I get from the people in my life watching me waste my precious time on this shit?! I should be out in the world making new experiences! Instead, I'm reliving old comic books that I don't even remember from the first time I read them and won't remember at all, again, in three months.

When I first picked up this comic book and saw Mark Waid's name on the cover, I thought, "Oh boy! I'm in for an intelligent experience! This guy made quite a name for himself for some reason! Maybe Mark will make it worth it that I'm not re-reading something I truly want to re-read, like Barth's The Last Voyage of Somebody the Sailor. Or something I've never read like Barth's The Sot-Weed Factor! At least I won't be embarrassed reading this in public because I'll be able to point out any page I'm reading to somebody looking on aghast at an aging man reading a comic book and say, 'See how philosophical this is? See how this writer really respects women and also the reader? See how smart I am to read this!'"

Goddammit! I just showed this to a woman sitting next to me and she slapped me!

Well, fuck you, Mark Waid! I'm assuming your script read, "Page One. Splash page. Focal point: Power Girl's huge tits. Minor focal point: hint of camel toe." At least when the woman was storming out of the café, I had the wherewithal to yell, "But I've read Gravity's Rainbow!" That way she knows she missed out on a real smart cookie! Hmm. Maybe I should have yelled, "I read Gravity's Rainbow and understood at least 3/5ths of it!" I bet she would have dragged me out of there by the dick after that revelation!

I'm hesitant to flip to page two because, man, Power Girl's tits look fucking awesome!

Power Girl who?

Mark Waid's script: "Page Three. Crimson Fox approaches Hal Jordan, tits first. She looks so good that readers should be able to imagine they smell her freshly washed butthole in the same way real estate agents want the smell of baking permeating houses they're trying to sell. Maybe not all readers will imagine that specifically. But some fucking pervert will, I'm sure. Make it clear she looks like she's telling Jordan he's free to explore her every crevice. Especially the butt crevice. You have to draw all of this because if I write any of it out, people will never respect me as a writer."

Do you think people will respect me as a writer for writing all of that out? I only did it because I was pretending to be Mark Waid! He's the fucking pervert!

See? Ralph smells it. His nose isn't twitching because it ain't no mystery where that fresh breeze is coming from.

Sue also smells it and seems particularly intrigued. Crimson Fox's super power is pheromones, by the way. I just wanted to point that out to anybody reading this and thinking, "Why the fuck would anybody even think Crimson Fox's butt smell tantalizes everybody?" Even those that remembered Crimson Fox has pheromone powers, they probably finished up that thought with "It should be her V-hole, no?" Maybe for some of you dorks. But for real men like me, Elongated Man, and Mark Waid, we know where the real attraction pheromones come from!

The Flash doesn't get to see how things turn out between Hal and Crimson Fox (I'd use her first name but I can't remember if she's currently Vivian or Constance) because he has to go inside to pick up the phone and get screamed at by Linda. I think Linda is the woman he eventually marries. But don't hold me to that. What the fuck do I know about Wally West? I have exactly two of his comics from the '80s and '90s!

Wally teleports back to the States because he's too slow to run across the Atlantic Ocean in two minutes. Barry could have done that! Sure, sure. He also would have caused fifteen different Crises while doing it. Wally uses one of those two minutes to build the teleporter (which is linked to one in the basement of his new home). He then has one minute left to microwave some pizzas and burritos in 15 seconds (I guess he likes them mostly frozen), check his messages, eat the frozen pizza and burritos, take a shower, shave, dry off, read the paper, and run across town to the studio where Linda is going to interview him on live television. I'd say he showers in the fifteen seconds it takes to heat up his food but how exactly does Flash shower faster than a normal person?! It's not like the water comes out of the showerhead any faster?

Reading along a little further, and, yes, he does do all of the stuff while the food is heating up. Three seconds to check his phone messages on fast forward. Seven seconds to shower, shave, dry off, and read the paper. He must have some sort of pressure washer set up in his bathroom that blasts him full force for two seconds as he spins like a maniac and soaps up.

More like "Still frozen, frozen, frozen!"

The problem with Flash doing everything at superspeed because he's on a time crunch is that most things in the real world don't work on his super fast time scale. I already had to devise a way to explain how he showered in two or three seconds. Now I've got to imagine that Kilowog built him a special microwave that actually heats that much food in fifteen seconds? I was going to suggest maybe he got them out of the regular fridge and not the freezer but I just checked and, well, he took them out of the freezer. But now let's say Kilowog did make him a nuclear microwave that heats things up that quickly. Wally just pulled them out of the microwave at temperatures that even he can't handle while holding them. And he's going to eat them in less than 45 seconds? This fucker gonna scald his larynx which is going to swell up on him. Wally's going to lose consciousness from lack of oxygen in the middle of the interview and die. I'd say paramedics save him but he's super fast! He probably dies fast too.

On the way to the interview, Wally notices Hector Hammond shaking all of the tourists out of a bus using the power of his mind. That's too bad. Mark Waid wrote all of that unbelievable shit just for West to fail to make it to the interview!

I have no idea why Hector Hammond is shaking tourists out of a bus like a little kid emptying a piggy bank. Maybe he's just a fucking dickhead. It think there's a forehead/foreskin joke in there somewhere but I'm not willing to come up with it because I keep thinking about that microwave that cooks so much food in fifteen seconds. The time I could save! Fucking stupid 21st Century microwaves that take multiple minutes!

Wasn't "Girlfriend Having a Poodle" a Smiths' song?

Hector Hammond wants the bus for transportation. To Africa? Can't he just float over in his floaty little chair? Maybe he just wants it for the radio.

Turns out Hector just wanted to dump people into the streets from an unsafe height to attract the attention of Flash. He needs Flash to piggyback him to Africa.

Now who's having a poodle?

Hammond forces Flash to carry him all the way to Africa to meet up with Grodd and his gorilla fighters. Wally only has a tiny mind so he has trouble fighting off Hector's control. Plus there's the issue of being in the middle of the Atlantic without a map. But once in Africa, Wally speeds up as fast as he can until Hector Hammond, freaking the fuck out because he's the least physical person on the planet being run at tremendous speeds, orders Flash to stop. This causes Hector to slingshot across the sky and deep into the forest while yelling, "You tricked me!" What a fucking embarrassment. If I were Hector, I'd retire from supervillaining after that. Wally West got the better of you in the brain category? Get the fuck out of here. Your reputation is fucking nuked, man.

Once free of Hector Hammond, Flash sees a familiar green light and runs over to stumble upon Green Lantern to end this issue the same way as Green Lantern #30 ended.

Flash #69 Rating: Nice. You didn't think I'd end this review with a stupid reference to the issue number, did you? So innocent and naïve. This issue was fine, I guess. I have two main problems with Flash comics which probably always kept me from reading Flash: the stupid puns and his wildly out-of-control power level that's never really utilized correctly. I wonder if the DC Universe Who's Who has an entry for "Wally West's House" that explains how all of his technology has been amped up to allow him to use it all faster?

Justice League of America #3

So nobody told DC that I think this JLA logo sucks because it's the same logo as last issue and it still sucks.

This comic book must be an Elseworlds book because Aquaman is my favorite member of this Justice League of America and that never happens. That didn't even happen when it was just him, Vibe, Commander Steel, Gypsy, and Vixen! And that's a shitty line-up! Although Green Lantern and The Flash haven't really been given a chance to shine yet. Maybe I'll like them even more than Aquaman. Although it'll be pretty tough to beat that scene where Aquaman tells the Missionary of Rao that Rao is the most incompetent "god" he's ever heard of.

Just as the cover shows, this issue begins with Barry and Hal tossed into the middle of a battle between Purple Pointy Skirts and the Gray Straight Edged Skirts. Even if I don't learn any more about them from this point on, I totally get why they're going to war.

Hal charges his ring by pulling his battery out of warp space because that's a thing the Green Lantern's used to do when writers got tired of them never having access to their batteries when they needed them. I guess Bryan Hitch hasn't read a Green Lantern comic book in some time so he never read that story where the Keepers of the Batteries went crazy after losing their jobs when the Lanterns stopped storing them on their planet when they weren't in use. I'm glad the issue begins with the ring being charged though because now it will last the entire issue. There's no excuse now for a scene where Hal is desperately trying to defeat the enemy before his ring runs out of charge.

Speaking of running, Barry runs so fast protecting Hal as he charges his ring that Barry disappears. That's when Hal asks his ring what the fuck is going on and the ring is all, "You're on Krypton, dude. 250,000 years from where you just fought Parasite." At least now Hal Jordan has a chance to be Clark's ancestor!

Meanwhile Wonder Woman finds an Oraculum among the ruins of Olympus and begins asking it questions. Diana and Hal are lucky they have access to objects that can answer anything they need to know to further the plot.

Although the Oraculum isn't nearly as useful as Hal Jordan's ring.

Back on Earth, Rao goes about trying to steal all of Christ's followers. He's all, "Stop praying to that do-nothing! I'm here to change everything for the better! Nothing bad will ever happen again!" And all the Christians are, "Thank Jesus Christ for Rao!" That's when Rao learns how to facepalm.

Rao's doing everything Batman told Superman he shouldn't do! Batman is going to be pissed!

The leaders of all the nations not yet overthrown by Rao begin to get really nervous. How are they going to retain any power if Rao gives everybody everything they ever needed?! What good are happy, content people to people in power?! Rao is ruining everything!

Batman calls in Superman to have a talk with him so after all of this goes to shit Rao turns out to be just another manipulative asshole, Batman can have this conversation in his bag when he brings out the "I told you so."

Batman wants Superman to stop being so trusting and he mentions DNA as he does so. I think he wants Superman to get a sample of Rao's DNA? And I bet I know how he can accomplish that! With a kryptonite cotton swab! Also with a blow job which was what you all knew I was actually thinking. While Batman awaits the DNA test to see if Rao is actually a Kryptonian, he begins his own investigation into Rao. Batman also says "covert" when he meant "convert" because he's always thinking about spy stuff and conspiracies.

The Infinity Corporation apparently set in motion all of the events they needed to set in motion in the present, so they've gone back to September, 1961, to do something else. They're not sure what they're supposed to do because they're letting some magic stone do all of the thinking for them. And the stones have decided that The Flash needs to be in 1961. Great. Here comes another Flashpoint!

Back on Krypton, the warring groups have decided to call a truce for some reason. Maybe they were just out on a picnic when Hal and Barry arrived. Anyway, they know of Green Lanterns even 250,000 years ago which may or may not be how it's always been. I'm certainly not a DC Historian. Hell, according to some mean person on Tumblr who wants me to kill myself, I don't even know anything about Deathstroke! Apparently calling Slade a "psychopathic murderer" was crossing some kind of line! Maybe he's never been officially diagnosed as a psychopath but it seems anybody who can murder as many people as he's murdered might not be the most empathetic person on the planet.

Green Lantern makes friends with the Kryptonians who march him off to Kandor to meet Rao. I'm sure Hal won't be too impressed. Hal might even start a fist fight with him. I can't actually speculate on what might happen because I'm still agog at the Kryptonians having been around for 250,000 years! What a civilization! No wonder they could all leap fantastically across the landscape. I think.

Justice League of America #3 Rating: No change. Not a lot happened this issue. We discovered Wonder Woman learned nothing about her situation from the Oraculum. We learned Green Lantern learned little more from his ring. We learned Barry Allen has time traveled with the Infinity Corporation. And we learned that Batman doesn't trust anybody while Superman super trusts everybody. It's possible Bryan Hitch didn't get the memo that comic books are actually telling stories now (no matter how bad!) instead of being decompressed. But I guess he was kind of a pioneer in decompression, so maybe he's having a hard time letting it go. Although maybe I'm wrong! Perhaps I just stopped being able to tell when a story has been decompressed because I'm just happy I didn't wind up spending two hours writing a commentary on it. I really don't mind slow pacing and lots of visuals but come on! Something has to fucking happen in a comic book when I laid out $3.99 for it! My guess is when this series is collected in trade, you could leave out 90% of this comic book and it wouldn't make a difference to the overall story. Also, Deathstroke is a psychopathic murderer! So there!

Justice League of America #2

That logo bites.

At the end of the last issue, the god of Krypton arrived on Earth. This happened after some aliens posing as The Infinity Corporation showed Superman a pile of dead other dimensional Supermen and then tricked the Justice League of America into battling the Parasite. During that fight, Green Lantern and The Flash got knocked through a wormhole to Oa and Wonder Woman went missing. According to this cover, they'll be back in time for the big fight with Rao.

This issue begins with Superman instantly buying the whole "god" thing and joining forces with Rao to "help him." Superman thought Rao was a myth right up until this moment and yet he totally buys into the Kryptonian god act? Superman doesn't ask why Earth needs to be saved. Superman doesn't ask what needs to be done. For being the Best Friend of the World's Greatest Detective, Superman hasn't learned a God Damned thing!

Superman might agree to this but Batman will nip it in the bud pretty fucking quickly.

The media reports on the arrival of an alien ship are realistically portrayed in the comic book. They work the crowd asking inane questions and, in so doing, find out nothing about the alien ship. They do find out that two people are in love and a blind man can feel and see the intense radiation coming off of the ship. They also report that the ship looks threatening but broadcast a message of peace across all wavelengths and all media. So what you're saying is it disrupted communication all over the world?! And the United States Government hasn't thrown a few nukes at it? What are they waiting for? It's not like they've ever trusted Superman in the entire run of The New 52, so why believe him when he vouches for the aliens?

Also, Batman really looks ridiculous walking through a crowd of people, none of which are dressed in an animal costume.

And just like that, Aquaman is my favorite character!

You would think Aquaman would believe in Poseidon since one of his best friends is the Greek god of war. I would think he would have asked her about Poseidon and she would have told him what a huge douchebag he was. But I imagine that Aquaman and Wonder Woman don't really spend a lot of time talking with each other. I bet that scene in Finch's Wonder Woman where Diana hugs a teddy bear while telling Aquaman that being a woman in the modern world is really, really hard is the only real conversation they've shared in the last five years.

Aquaman allows the Kryptonian missionary to hang about the place trying to convert Atlanteans to Raoism. If I were Aquaman, I would have made a kingly decision and thrown him out on his ass. Not because I think the Atlanteans would need protection but because why even allow somebody you know is a total fraud to run around annoying the populace? Missionaries are the worst of the worst. They're culture murderers. They're no better than aggressors that would sweep through a town and raze it to the ground. Missionaries destroy just as much as pillagers and vandals. It's just that after missionaries are through, the buildings might still be standing but little left of the people and their culture remain. Besides, this Prophet of Rao probably has magical alien mind control abilities which the Atlanteans will be more susceptible to than the rest of the world. Why else would he target them? Maybe they have other resources Rao is interested in? Like dolphin semen and dried Dugong dicks.

Here's a joke I just made up! What's the difference between the missionary position and missionaries on a mission? The first gets you fucked in the vagina, the second gets you fucked in the ass.

Since God spoke to Moses? I think that's Perry's hint that he doesn't care if somebody fabricates the entire story.

Rao wants to start a ministry with Superman's help and Superman seems up for it. Either he himself was (once again!) mind-controlled or he's the biggest dope in the super hero community. My guess is that when he touched Rao, his mind was manipulated in some way. Superman really needs to figure out a way to protect against being controlled by other people. All it takes is one wanna-be Hector Hammond to take over Superman and the world is over. He might not be a danger in the xenophobic, racist way that Lex Luthor and, apparently, 97% of the people living in the DC Universe think he is but he's definitely a danger to the planet if he can't stop getting brainwashed and taken over by magic.

Batman and Cyborg head back to the Batcave to do some research and have some tea. The tea is Earl Grey and the research is on how to kill Rao. That research is easy because Batman already has a large file on how to kill Superman and he's pretty much a Kryptonian god too, right?

Batman wants to know Rao's agenda and Cyborg seems to think it's peace on Earth. Except Rao simply said, "I have come to save you." That's pretty vague! Jumping to the conclusion that that means "peace on Earth" is the kind of non-detective bullshit that Batman wants to avoid.

Lois Lane keeps busy writing the article for J. Perry Jameson. It's full of misused punctuation and sentence fragments. It might have been written by me!

Rao invites a bunch of people aboard his "cathedral" to speak with them. After the run in with Ulysses and the big trick he pulled getting loads of people onto his ship, shouldn't Superman have some doubts about this? That was another person visiting Earth and promising peace and eventually turning out to be a fraud. That's how it always happens! It never deviates from that model! Batman should have thrown a batarang at it as soon as it arrived since he's going to be doing that eventually anyway. And he knows it!

This is definitely not The New 52 Earth because when has anybody trusted Superman at all during the last few years?

Look, I don't care if this story doesn't exactly fit into the current timelines happening in the other DC Comic books right now. In the long run, that doesn't matter. But what I would like is some consistency in the world and the character in stories told within just a few years of each other (without, you know, a Reboot between them).

Rao sends his prophets to "pray" a bunch of sick people to health and all he asks in return is their unending fealty and faith. Some compassionate god! If he were really compassionate, he'd do it without demanding anything! The greedy son of a whor...err, I mean, virgin, probably.

Rao continues to suck Superman's dick and tell him everything he wants to hear. Batman mopes and pouts around the Batcave worried about all the horrible people Rao is healing. Shouldn't he be judging and condemning?! Stop being so loving and compassionate, Rao! Bruce can't handle it!

Clark finally remembers that Diana disappeared that first night along with Hal and Barry. He doesn't seem too worried because he's a horrible boyfriend. Also he's probably under some kind of mind-control, remember? The issue ends with Diana waking up amidst the destruction of Olympus. Whoops! I guess Rao is just here to feed on Earth's gods and gain their power. I imagine Jesus Christ and Allah are probably dead already too. And whoever the Mormon's worship. Cowboy Jesus Christ?

Justice League of America #2 Rating: No change. I think this is an Elseworlds book, right? It must be because I barely recognize anybody. Even Alfred was all, "The Bible says great things about God, Master Bruce!" It can't be the real New 52 universe because Aquaman is the greatest character I've ever read in this book! If this Aquaman were allowed to marry New 52 Mera and they could star in a comic book called Aquaman Loves Mera and they could have lots of adventures and be bad-ass, it would probably sell at least one copy because I'd buy it. If I remembered to put it on my pull list.

Justice League #9

Do Justice League covers always have to be dynamic? Just show them sitting around sipping coffee and reading the paper.

Four years ago, David Graves authored a book called Gods Among Men which was about the Justice League's sudden appearance in the world. He's also the author in the DCnU who writes about the kinds of things you'd hear on Coast to Coast AM.

The second book from the left should be "Fatima Prophecies" not "Fatmia Prophecies."

David Graves is dying of cancer and his current doctor has decided that enough is enough. They've tried everything and nothing is working. It's time for David to make his peace. But David is not fucking going out like that, bitch!

I think he wants a second opinion.

No doctor can help David so David decides it's time to help himself. That probably means becoming a super villain to get the Justice League's attention and force them to save his ass.

Meanwhile, Batman is busy reading the letter Barry delivered to him in Flashpoint. It's the letter from his father from the alternate timeline. While he's contemplating a father he never knew, yet another explosion at Arkham helps free a bunch of inmates. The guy causing the explosion to get into Arkham? The Key. Flashback to Morrison's run on the Justice League back in the late 90s. Which makes me realize that last issue was also a flashback to that run! Is Johns making his timeline in the Reboot similar to the old DCU timeline in slight ways? Green Arrow proved he was good enough to join the team by taking out The Key with a Boxing Glove arrow in Morrison's run. Now, Green Arrow has not been allowed to join the League. The League isn't searching for new members like they were in Morrison's run, mostly because Martian Manhunter fucked it up for everyone in the Reboot.

The letter reminds Batman of a sad memory of repainting his room after his parents were killed. And later, in Metropolis, Superman has a sad memory of being picked last for the basketball team when Lois calls everyone to come with her to the taco truck for free tacos except Clark. That's disgusting, Lois! This whole issue is beginning to channel Sailor Moon R: The Movie. Will it end (or, will the final issue of the storyline end) with them remembering a time when Sailor Moon included them and made them happy with her insufferable, I mean, ineffable charm? But replace Sailor Moon with someone else. Wonder Woman? Steve Trevor? Amanda Waller?

That reminds me! Back in the mid-90s, I made an AMV (Anime Music Video) of Sailor Moon R: The Movie. It was done by hooking up a Laser Disc Player and a Stereo to a VCR. Halfway through, you can see the blue screen where you're supposed to flip the Laser Disc. AMV old school, beeyotch.

Batman gives Superman a call to help him take down The Key. Not that Batman needs Superman's help. Batman's just thinking about his friend's needs.

The Key is probably a sore spot because Clark kept pulling that Rare when he first began collecting Heroclix. That and fucking Desaad. And Goddamned Commissioner Gordon too!

Batman also invited Cyborg along to help track The Key inside Arkham. Cyborg also has a sad memory about how his daddy never had time for him until he was turned into a walking weapon. And then his daddy wanted to spend time with him but Cyborg was too busy. Cue Cat's Cradle!

Cyborg directs everyone to the stairs to head down lower into Arkham where The Key is headed. But Superman knows the secret to Gotham: its walls are like Styrofoam! He busts through the walls because, you know, why take the way that won't result in expensive property damage when you can make your own, more direct route that will create jobs for the citizens of Gotham! Nice one, Job Creator Man!

While all this super heroical crap is going on, Steve Trevor has wandered into his apartment where he keeps the television on at all hours. He's instantly greeted with Harvey and Charles from TMZ pointing out how Steve Trevor has become a big loser since he broke up with Wonder Woman. So I guess that's what all the tension is about between the two of them. They used to date and now it's over and Steve Trevor is heartbroken. And Diana just wants to be friends. Super friends!

Oh, I mention Steve Trevor because Davy Graves was waiting for him in his apartment. I guess he was the one watching TMZ before Trevor got home! Davy Graves wants a meeting with the Justice League (or revenge? It's sometimes hard to tell with these super villains) and has determined that Colonel Steve Trevor is the key. No, no, no! Not The Key! He's different.

Yay, Geoff Johns! Someone who understands The Flash Dilemma!

The Flash and Green Lantern are hanging out doing super-heroics as well! And they also have sad memories although they're not quite on par with the Clark's, Bruce's, or Victor's. Jordan is being manhandled by a cop and Allen is watching cops manhandle a civilian. Sorry if the emotional impact of these two scenarios are lost on me when Bruce is dealing with dead parents, Victor is dealing with a living but uncaring dad, and Clark is having his feelings of abandonment and loneliness multiplied by his schoolmates' attitudes.

Flash and Lantern have apprehended Weapons Master and need to question him to find out who sent him and for what reason. But they fail at their interrogation so they need Wonder Woman and her magic lasso. Wonder Woman has a sad memory as well.

So does she still want to be more than Super Friends?

Bats, Supes, and Cybs find The Key cowering in the basement of Arkham. He wants to be locked up and thrown away! What a punster! He'll fight right in in Gotham City. It looks like David Graves got inside the mind of The Key and stole everything The Key knew about the Justice League. He also found out from the Weapons Master how to hurt each and every one of the Justice League. So just like any good author, he's doing his research before his next novel. I think the next novel is going to have something to do with the death of the Justice League and the death of David Graves too.

But the story isn't over yet! Remember how Graves was in Trevor's apartment? Yeah, well, he wants information. And Graves is all tricked out in some kind of super villain costume that the creative team are keeping mostly secret until next issue.

Don't worry, Steve Trevor! Graves will probably keep you alive to leave you as the surprise calling card on the satellite which the League will find just before he strikes.

That's it for the Justice League. And I wasn't planning on scanning anything from the Shazaam story but this part was just too nice. Billy still isn't getting along with his new siblings. He just wants to be left alone. But after school, the rich and influential parent's kids begin picking on the Foster Marvels. They begin getting physical when Billy beats the crap out of all of them. Billy gets in trouble and is threatened with expulsion if he continues to get into fights. But after leaving the principal's office, this goes down:

I could learn to like this Billy Batson.

The story ends with Dr. Sivana getting blasted in the eye on an archaeological dig. He develops a lightning bolt scar across his eye and he realizes he can see magic! How he knows this, I don't know! It's probably part of the mystic transfusion of power received by breaking into the Tomb of Black Adam.

Justice League #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic is so, so, so much better when Geoff Johns writes a story instead of a storyboard for a gigantic fight. I'm thoroughly enjoying it now.

Justice League #3

JL #3 begins with Steve Trevor freaking out about Diana having escaped some government facility where he was keeping her out of trouble. Which makes me wonder: How much of our knowledge of the old DC Universe's history are we supposed to be relying on to understand what's going on in this new reboot? We've learned a tiny bit about what's happened in the time before this five years in the past moment. Flash and Green Lantern have apparently teamed up once to defeat Gorilla Grodd in Central City and have come to know each other fairly well. Batman has been active enough to become an Urban Legend that even people outside of Gotham City have heard about. Superman doesn't really seem to have any sort of past. He's squatting in an abandoned Daily Planet building and doesn't seem to have a secret identity. Wonder Woman, we find out in this issue, was brought back from Paradise Island by Steve Trevor after his test plane crash landed there. Oh, we also learn that Jim Lee is just another artist who draw children as if they're just tiny adults.




And is there going to be continuity between this title and all of the JL Members individual titles? At the end of the 52 maxiseries, the DC Universe had been broken up into 52 dimensions. So is each comic title supposed to be an individual dimension and thus have no relation to any other comic? Or should I believe that the comics grouped together in The New 52 #1 collection are supposed to be in the same universe? That would place Justice League, Justice League International, Aquaman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Captain Atom, Firestorm, Green Arrow, Hawkman, Mr. Terrific and DC Universe Presents Deadman in the same Universe. If that isn't meant to mean anything, why are they grouped at all in The New 52 collected book?

I think I'll just take them all as individual universes for now. It seems the way DC wanted it by the end of 52. And it keeps continuity easy because continuity only exists within each title. But then how are they going to have Crossover events?!

I'm also now wondering where exactly is Metropolis and Gotham City located in this Universe's United States? Apparently the last couple of Universes never could quite pinpoint them in space. But here we already see that Gotham City and Metropolis are a plane's flight away from each other with Detroit lying somewhere along that path (since we see Green Lantern's plane fly over Victor Stone's football game). Gotham is probably still located on the Eastern Seaboard, probably in the New York City/New Jersey area. Metropolis is possibly in Kansas (most likely, historically) or possibly Iowa. Looking at a map of the United States, Green Lantern's flight pather over Detroit doesn't make any sense, so Green Lantern probably got lost along the way.

Where was I? Parademons have busted loose from all the Boom Cubes and are beginning to grab people and fly away. Victor Stone is burning to death. Wonder Woman is having a great time killing her modern day harpies. And the other guys are doing something somewhere as well. Probably seeing who can pee the furthest. Oh no, they're fighting Parademons as well!


So far, I'm really liking Flash! And Batman is a close second.


But Superman is really going to have to work on his witty banter if we're going to be friends. What does that even mean, Superman?! It would make sense if you were hitting them with a camera! But a truck?!

So the guys beat up on some Parademons some more and we see them flying over a big body of water. Maybe I need to rethink that thing about Metropolis being in Kansas. Especially since Wonder Woman suddenly shows up to join the fight and she had just been in Washington, D.C.! So either Gotham is in Minnesota or Green Lantern really got fucking lost.

Meanwhile, Vic Stone is in a lot of trouble.

He's going into cardiac arrest with his heart racing up his spinal cord? Or is it the cardiac arrest racing up his spinal cord? Oh, probably the energy that is devouring him! Of course, that's T.O. Morrow with the medical know how and we all know how crazy he's going to turn out to be! Don't we?! Just ask Dr. Magnus!

One thing I'm realizing now that I'm reading comics again is that I've retained a whole lot of useless comic book knowledge that had no outlet until now!

Back to saving Victor Stone. They apparently fill him with Nanites recovered from...well, Dr. Morrow never finishes his sentence so we don't really know yet what Cyborg is going to be made from. But he seems to have some kind of mind-link with Darkseid because of the Nanites. So they must be Apokolypsian!

Flip flop yet again back to the Parademon fight! Green Lantern actually says, "Out of the ocean," when they see some great monolith rise up. So Metropolis is definitely on the eastern seaboard. And Gotham, I believe, is always a port city. So it's definite now: Green Lantern sucks at navigation.


And then Aquaman arrives to save the day! He's looking pretty good here even in his lame orange and green outfit. Check out next issue (along with Aquaman #1) when we find out how Geoff Johns really feels about having to script Aquaman in a comic!

Justice League #2

This kind of actually happens!

BIG SPOILERY VERSION
So JL #1 promises us Batman vs Superman! Awesome! Oh oh! And look at the cover! Look at them fighting! OH MAN! This is going to be awesome! Here it comes!



That's it? We missed the majority of the fight during a one page check-in on what Barry Allen is doing?! So after checking in on Bary having an ethical crisis at work where he wants to investigate murders but nobody is being allowed to investigate murders until they find out who The Flash is but Barry isn't going to let them find out who The Flash is so Barry isn't going to be able to investigate murders, we get back to Batman vs Superman. It's a huge two page splash with lots of tear gas

swirling about, a sonic disruptor lying impotently on the ground, Tasers stuck in Superman's chest and Batman back on his heels with a respirator clutched in his

teeth. Man! There's been a lot of action going on while we were away! Stupid month break and check-in on Wally! I mean Barry!

So back to the fight! After Batman gets a lot of information from Superman's non-weaknesses by trying lots of tricks on him and Superman gets a lot of information about Batman's gadgets by allowing him to try them all on him (seriously? Like Superman couldn't have put a stop to it as soon as Batman started?), Superman and Batman almost end the fight through *gasp* talking when Green Lantern starts it all up again.



So they say pictures are worth a thousand words but these Jim Lee and Geoff Johns guys end up using TWO FULL PAGES to tell the reader that Superman is more powerful than Green Lantern's ring. In a comic book with 24 pages that costs $4! That's .32! And 8 words! Except the two page image has no words at all! Maybe I can eke some more words out of the image since I hate to let an old cliche go to waste. Let's see: Green Lantern shields himself from the ring shrapnel but let's Batman take it full in the face. So a few more words might be Green Lantern is selfish and self-obsessed. Or maybe he just can't think too quickly which is right in line with Batman's critique of him in Issue #1. Also, Batman can seemingly dodge machine gun fire from three helicopters but he is pelted by this shrapnel. Is he smart enough to know that he won't be hurt by the ring's shrapnel so he doesn't try very hard to dodge it? Or is this an example of Superman's strength causing the shrapnel to fly faster than bullets? Anyway, I think 1000 words would have given more value to my $4.

So more punching and kicking and not talking ensues. Except there is talking because Green Lantern calls up the Flash and asks him to get over to Metropolis to help out. This enables everybody to see The Flash fight Superman now! And we learn some more stuff! The Flash claims to never have been hit ever ever never ever! Truly! But then Superman hits him. Luckily just flicks him with his finger or else The Flash probably would have been splattered all over Metropolis. I think by this point we've also learned that Superman has a bit of a rage problem.

I'd also like to know how The Flash speaking while running at super speed works. Does the fight end and then you hear everything he said? Is his voice all doppler effected? Can you even hear his words over the sound of his body punching through air? It's so easy just to make quote bubbles!

Of course after all of these peacock displays of power (cock being the operative syllable), Batman stops the whole thing with a simple please! I guess Superman really is just a great big boyscout.



I appreciate that The Flash cleans up after the fight. Rarely do heroes take any responsibility over the damage they cause during their giant brouhahas.

And then back to My Dad Doesn't Care starring Victor Stone! Vic shows up at S.T.A.R labs where his dad is checking out a Boom Cube. And of course they don't recognize the kind of metal it's made from. Is there some idea in the fiction world that since different metal alloys exist, from electrum which occurs naturally to manmade brass, bronze, and steel, that the future will have discovered some super duper futuristic alloys? And even if they did, the scientists should still be able to tell what elements compose the metal and then say what elements the Boom Cube is made of and say that instead of saying "We don't knonw anything about the metal it's made of!" If they don't know what metal it is made of, my guess is that it's highly radioactive and unstable! Just like the relationship between Vic Stone and his dad Dr., um, um, Stone!

So Victor says blah blah blah football blah pro blah it's all I ever care about.

And Dr. Stone says blah blah blah football is a joke blah blah I don't respect my son blah blah.

And then a billion trillion Parademons explode out of the Boom Cubes! Surprise! And Victor Stone is burnt perty near to death! Surprise! I wonder if he'll live?!