Flash #70 (November 1992)

The Free Speech crowd attacking two people (and a dog) on Twitter because they had pronouns in their bio.

I wouldn't hate on people who are actually pro-free-speech but we currently live in the stupidest time where people fully do not understand free speech. It's possible they understand it but after fifty years on this planet, I've finally stopped giving people the benefit of the doubt. So when they're all for banning books because the targets of the ban are people they fundamentally disagree with and they see the ban as a punishment but cry their snowflake asses off about censorship when a twelve year old girl on tumblr demands that they stop saying "retard," you kind of have to either believe they don't understand free speech or they're just hypocritical assholes. Oh, wait. I just realized that by concluding they don't understand free speech, I was giving them the benefit of the doubt! Sorry, they're just assholes! My bad!

Ha ha. I'm still laughing about "incelorillas."

Flash spends the first three pages of this issue explaining what happened in the last piece of the story arc for the readers who couldn't afford the extra $1.25 to purchase Green Lantern #31 this month. That doesn't seem like much but I'm not even sure how I was able to afford it in 1992. I guess I played one less game of Cyberball down at 4th Street Bowl at two in the morning that week.

Green Lantern spends the fourth page trying to grab some bananas with his ring. Recently having devolved into a caveman, Hal Jordan has been reduced to the basest male actions: eating, fucking, and killing. Luckily for Flash, Hal has yet to realize how horny he is.

If I were Wally, I'd shove one yellow boot into my asshole and one over my cock.

I bet Wally, having a way bigger brain than I have and being far less concerned about Hal's new caveman sexual desires, will throw one of his boots over Hal's hand to incapacitate him. Rex will probably just piss all over himself to become invulnerable to Green Lantern.

The duo's real threat is Grodd and his new mega-brain. But they probably don't have to worry about Grodd taking over the world. Once Grodd's Incelorilla Army realizes he's not a Chad but a disabled Beta Cuck, they'll abandon him to look for a real Alpha to tell them how to trick women into banging them.

I'm not sure what's up with Hector. I guess he's become a caveman too. He's probably off angrily fucking a rock which he'll eat afterward.

Who would have guessed this would be Wally's solution? Oh yeah! Big brained me!

Using his newly acquired telepathic powers, Wally takes over Hal's mind and uses the ring to return them both to their normal forms. But in doing so, Wally saps the last of the meteor's power. They won't be able to use the same trick on Grodd and Hector. Speaking of Hector, he finally turns up on page 7.

Danny is playing the part of that rock I mentioned earlier.

Danny is Rex's military buddy. Or was? Doesn't matter. He was never important to this story.

Rex the Wonder Dog can now speak normally due to the meteor's power which makes Danny superfluous anyway. He tracks Gorilla Grodd back to Gorilla City where they find Grodd has used his new mental powers to possess and control every single ape in the city. Now even the apes who get laid regularly are fighting for him.

Meanwhile, Danny doesn't get fucked and eaten because Bobo parachutes out of the sky in the nick of time to save him.

Damn, Bobo. Just gonna throw around the casual slurs, hunh?

Good thing Vandal Savage wasn't around to hear Bobo speak this shit. Speaking of Vandal Savage, didn't he gain his intelligence and immortality from a meteor like this? How many of these meteors are there in the DC Universe? Was Metamorpho's Orb of Ra one of these things? Where did these meteors come from?

While Hal and Wally hide inside a giant green bubble to protect themselves from Grodd's psychic blasts, Rex the Wonder Dog sneaks up on Grodd and attacks.

Once again, Grodd freaks the fuck out when he's attacked by a dog. But this time, his body is too weak to punch the shit out of Rex and he's mauled to death.

Grodd actually defeats Rex but in doing so, he uses up too much of his power. Bobo drops out of the sky again to save Rex while Flash kicks Grodd in the face. After that, Rex is able to destroy Grodd's mind, rendering him as idiotic and devolved as Hammond. Rex, on the other hand, gets to maintain his newfound powers without anybody saying a word. I guess that's because he's a good boy?

Grodd and Hammond become prisoners in Gorilla City where Solovar will continue to attempt to make them useful to Gorilla City. First, they're learning how to push buttons for bananas. Later, they'll probably be trained to clean the Gorilla City septic tanks. Bobo decides to spend some vacation time in Gorilla City fucking lady apes even though he's a chimpanzee. So gross. This book is depraved.

The Flash #70 Rating: C. Average story with really nice art except when it came to Flash's buttocks. I don't know what Greg LaRocque was going for when he was drawing Flash's ass but I suspect it derived from a kink somewhere in Greg's subconscious. It was more upsetting to me than the ten minutes I spent after reading the comic book thinking about Bobo the Chimpanzee fucking lady gorillas.

I suppose the ass of a man who runs at the speed of light is going to develop strangely.

Flash #69 (October 1992)

Are these the same two kids Green Lantern saved from drowning in Green Lantern #27?

Don't answer that! I know they're not! I probably shouldn't have even suggested that I thought that. I should have written something like, "Hector Hammond has more forehead than eighteen balding Harvard alumni!" Except funnier and more cutting and probably mentioning four or five penises. Some nights, I'm just not on my game. But I still need to read these fucking comic books or else how am I going to get through the other twenty short boxes cluttering up my bedroom?! You think I want to read one old comic book every day?! You think I don't realize how little respect I get from the people in my life watching me waste my precious time on this shit?! I should be out in the world making new experiences! Instead, I'm reliving old comic books that I don't even remember from the first time I read them and won't remember at all, again, in three months.

When I first picked up this comic book and saw Mark Waid's name on the cover, I thought, "Oh boy! I'm in for an intelligent experience! This guy made quite a name for himself for some reason! Maybe Mark will make it worth it that I'm not re-reading something I truly want to re-read, like Barth's The Last Voyage of Somebody the Sailor. Or something I've never read like Barth's The Sot-Weed Factor! At least I won't be embarrassed reading this in public because I'll be able to point out any page I'm reading to somebody looking on aghast at an aging man reading a comic book and say, 'See how philosophical this is? See how this writer really respects women and also the reader? See how smart I am to read this!'"

Goddammit! I just showed this to a woman sitting next to me and she slapped me!

Well, fuck you, Mark Waid! I'm assuming your script read, "Page One. Splash page. Focal point: Power Girl's huge tits. Minor focal point: hint of camel toe." At least when the woman was storming out of the café, I had the wherewithal to yell, "But I've read Gravity's Rainbow!" That way she knows she missed out on a real smart cookie! Hmm. Maybe I should have yelled, "I read Gravity's Rainbow and understood at least 3/5ths of it!" I bet she would have dragged me out of there by the dick after that revelation!

I'm hesitant to flip to page two because, man, Power Girl's tits look fucking awesome!

Power Girl who?

Mark Waid's script: "Page Three. Crimson Fox approaches Hal Jordan, tits first. She looks so good that readers should be able to imagine they smell her freshly washed butthole in the same way real estate agents want the smell of baking permeating houses they're trying to sell. Maybe not all readers will imagine that specifically. But some fucking pervert will, I'm sure. Make it clear she looks like she's telling Jordan he's free to explore her every crevice. Especially the butt crevice. You have to draw all of this because if I write any of it out, people will never respect me as a writer."

Do you think people will respect me as a writer for writing all of that out? I only did it because I was pretending to be Mark Waid! He's the fucking pervert!

See? Ralph smells it. His nose isn't twitching because it ain't no mystery where that fresh breeze is coming from.

Sue also smells it and seems particularly intrigued. Crimson Fox's super power is pheromones, by the way. I just wanted to point that out to anybody reading this and thinking, "Why the fuck would anybody even think Crimson Fox's butt smell tantalizes everybody?" Even those that remembered Crimson Fox has pheromone powers, they probably finished up that thought with "It should be her V-hole, no?" Maybe for some of you dorks. But for real men like me, Elongated Man, and Mark Waid, we know where the real attraction pheromones come from!

The Flash doesn't get to see how things turn out between Hal and Crimson Fox (I'd use her first name but I can't remember if she's currently Vivian or Constance) because he has to go inside to pick up the phone and get screamed at by Linda. I think Linda is the woman he eventually marries. But don't hold me to that. What the fuck do I know about Wally West? I have exactly two of his comics from the '80s and '90s!

Wally teleports back to the States because he's too slow to run across the Atlantic Ocean in two minutes. Barry could have done that! Sure, sure. He also would have caused fifteen different Crises while doing it. Wally uses one of those two minutes to build the teleporter (which is linked to one in the basement of his new home). He then has one minute left to microwave some pizzas and burritos in 15 seconds (I guess he likes them mostly frozen), check his messages, eat the frozen pizza and burritos, take a shower, shave, dry off, read the paper, and run across town to the studio where Linda is going to interview him on live television. I'd say he showers in the fifteen seconds it takes to heat up his food but how exactly does Flash shower faster than a normal person?! It's not like the water comes out of the showerhead any faster?

Reading along a little further, and, yes, he does do all of the stuff while the food is heating up. Three seconds to check his phone messages on fast forward. Seven seconds to shower, shave, dry off, and read the paper. He must have some sort of pressure washer set up in his bathroom that blasts him full force for two seconds as he spins like a maniac and soaps up.

More like "Still frozen, frozen, frozen!"

The problem with Flash doing everything at superspeed because he's on a time crunch is that most things in the real world don't work on his super fast time scale. I already had to devise a way to explain how he showered in two or three seconds. Now I've got to imagine that Kilowog built him a special microwave that actually heats that much food in fifteen seconds? I was going to suggest maybe he got them out of the regular fridge and not the freezer but I just checked and, well, he took them out of the freezer. But now let's say Kilowog did make him a nuclear microwave that heats things up that quickly. Wally just pulled them out of the microwave at temperatures that even he can't handle while holding them. And he's going to eat them in less than 45 seconds? This fucker gonna scald his larynx which is going to swell up on him. Wally's going to lose consciousness from lack of oxygen in the middle of the interview and die. I'd say paramedics save him but he's super fast! He probably dies fast too.

On the way to the interview, Wally notices Hector Hammond shaking all of the tourists out of a bus using the power of his mind. That's too bad. Mark Waid wrote all of that unbelievable shit just for West to fail to make it to the interview!

I have no idea why Hector Hammond is shaking tourists out of a bus like a little kid emptying a piggy bank. Maybe he's just a fucking dickhead. It think there's a forehead/foreskin joke in there somewhere but I'm not willing to come up with it because I keep thinking about that microwave that cooks so much food in fifteen seconds. The time I could save! Fucking stupid 21st Century microwaves that take multiple minutes!

Wasn't "Girlfriend Having a Poodle" a Smiths' song?

Hector Hammond wants the bus for transportation. To Africa? Can't he just float over in his floaty little chair? Maybe he just wants it for the radio.

Turns out Hector just wanted to dump people into the streets from an unsafe height to attract the attention of Flash. He needs Flash to piggyback him to Africa.

Now who's having a poodle?

Hammond forces Flash to carry him all the way to Africa to meet up with Grodd and his gorilla fighters. Wally only has a tiny mind so he has trouble fighting off Hector's control. Plus there's the issue of being in the middle of the Atlantic without a map. But once in Africa, Wally speeds up as fast as he can until Hector Hammond, freaking the fuck out because he's the least physical person on the planet being run at tremendous speeds, orders Flash to stop. This causes Hector to slingshot across the sky and deep into the forest while yelling, "You tricked me!" What a fucking embarrassment. If I were Hector, I'd retire from supervillaining after that. Wally West got the better of you in the brain category? Get the fuck out of here. Your reputation is fucking nuked, man.

Once free of Hector Hammond, Flash sees a familiar green light and runs over to stumble upon Green Lantern to end this issue the same way as Green Lantern #30 ended.

Flash #69 Rating: Nice. You didn't think I'd end this review with a stupid reference to the issue number, did you? So innocent and naïve. This issue was fine, I guess. I have two main problems with Flash comics which probably always kept me from reading Flash: the stupid puns and his wildly out-of-control power level that's never really utilized correctly. I wonder if the DC Universe Who's Who has an entry for "Wally West's House" that explains how all of his technology has been amped up to allow him to use it all faster?

Justice League of America #3

So nobody told DC that I think this JLA logo sucks because it's the same logo as last issue and it still sucks.

This comic book must be an Elseworlds book because Aquaman is my favorite member of this Justice League of America and that never happens. That didn't even happen when it was just him, Vibe, Commander Steel, Gypsy, and Vixen! And that's a shitty line-up! Although Green Lantern and The Flash haven't really been given a chance to shine yet. Maybe I'll like them even more than Aquaman. Although it'll be pretty tough to beat that scene where Aquaman tells the Missionary of Rao that Rao is the most incompetent "god" he's ever heard of.

Just as the cover shows, this issue begins with Barry and Hal tossed into the middle of a battle between Purple Pointy Skirts and the Gray Straight Edged Skirts. Even if I don't learn any more about them from this point on, I totally get why they're going to war.

Hal charges his ring by pulling his battery out of warp space because that's a thing the Green Lantern's used to do when writers got tired of them never having access to their batteries when they needed them. I guess Bryan Hitch hasn't read a Green Lantern comic book in some time so he never read that story where the Keepers of the Batteries went crazy after losing their jobs when the Lanterns stopped storing them on their planet when they weren't in use. I'm glad the issue begins with the ring being charged though because now it will last the entire issue. There's no excuse now for a scene where Hal is desperately trying to defeat the enemy before his ring runs out of charge.

Speaking of running, Barry runs so fast protecting Hal as he charges his ring that Barry disappears. That's when Hal asks his ring what the fuck is going on and the ring is all, "You're on Krypton, dude. 250,000 years from where you just fought Parasite." At least now Hal Jordan has a chance to be Clark's ancestor!

Meanwhile Wonder Woman finds an Oraculum among the ruins of Olympus and begins asking it questions. Diana and Hal are lucky they have access to objects that can answer anything they need to know to further the plot.

Although the Oraculum isn't nearly as useful as Hal Jordan's ring.

Back on Earth, Rao goes about trying to steal all of Christ's followers. He's all, "Stop praying to that do-nothing! I'm here to change everything for the better! Nothing bad will ever happen again!" And all the Christians are, "Thank Jesus Christ for Rao!" That's when Rao learns how to facepalm.

Rao's doing everything Batman told Superman he shouldn't do! Batman is going to be pissed!

The leaders of all the nations not yet overthrown by Rao begin to get really nervous. How are they going to retain any power if Rao gives everybody everything they ever needed?! What good are happy, content people to people in power?! Rao is ruining everything!

Batman calls in Superman to have a talk with him so after all of this goes to shit Rao turns out to be just another manipulative asshole, Batman can have this conversation in his bag when he brings out the "I told you so."

Batman wants Superman to stop being so trusting and he mentions DNA as he does so. I think he wants Superman to get a sample of Rao's DNA? And I bet I know how he can accomplish that! With a kryptonite cotton swab! Also with a blow job which was what you all knew I was actually thinking. While Batman awaits the DNA test to see if Rao is actually a Kryptonian, he begins his own investigation into Rao. Batman also says "covert" when he meant "convert" because he's always thinking about spy stuff and conspiracies.

The Infinity Corporation apparently set in motion all of the events they needed to set in motion in the present, so they've gone back to September, 1961, to do something else. They're not sure what they're supposed to do because they're letting some magic stone do all of the thinking for them. And the stones have decided that The Flash needs to be in 1961. Great. Here comes another Flashpoint!

Back on Krypton, the warring groups have decided to call a truce for some reason. Maybe they were just out on a picnic when Hal and Barry arrived. Anyway, they know of Green Lanterns even 250,000 years ago which may or may not be how it's always been. I'm certainly not a DC Historian. Hell, according to some mean person on Tumblr who wants me to kill myself, I don't even know anything about Deathstroke! Apparently calling Slade a "psychopathic murderer" was crossing some kind of line! Maybe he's never been officially diagnosed as a psychopath but it seems anybody who can murder as many people as he's murdered might not be the most empathetic person on the planet.

Green Lantern makes friends with the Kryptonians who march him off to Kandor to meet Rao. I'm sure Hal won't be too impressed. Hal might even start a fist fight with him. I can't actually speculate on what might happen because I'm still agog at the Kryptonians having been around for 250,000 years! What a civilization! No wonder they could all leap fantastically across the landscape. I think.

Justice League of America #3 Rating: No change. Not a lot happened this issue. We discovered Wonder Woman learned nothing about her situation from the Oraculum. We learned Green Lantern learned little more from his ring. We learned Barry Allen has time traveled with the Infinity Corporation. And we learned that Batman doesn't trust anybody while Superman super trusts everybody. It's possible Bryan Hitch didn't get the memo that comic books are actually telling stories now (no matter how bad!) instead of being decompressed. But I guess he was kind of a pioneer in decompression, so maybe he's having a hard time letting it go. Although maybe I'm wrong! Perhaps I just stopped being able to tell when a story has been decompressed because I'm just happy I didn't wind up spending two hours writing a commentary on it. I really don't mind slow pacing and lots of visuals but come on! Something has to fucking happen in a comic book when I laid out $3.99 for it! My guess is when this series is collected in trade, you could leave out 90% of this comic book and it wouldn't make a difference to the overall story. Also, Deathstroke is a psychopathic murderer! So there!

Justice League of America #2

That logo bites.

At the end of the last issue, the god of Krypton arrived on Earth. This happened after some aliens posing as The Infinity Corporation showed Superman a pile of dead other dimensional Supermen and then tricked the Justice League of America into battling the Parasite. During that fight, Green Lantern and The Flash got knocked through a wormhole to Oa and Wonder Woman went missing. According to this cover, they'll be back in time for the big fight with Rao.

This issue begins with Superman instantly buying the whole "god" thing and joining forces with Rao to "help him." Superman thought Rao was a myth right up until this moment and yet he totally buys into the Kryptonian god act? Superman doesn't ask why Earth needs to be saved. Superman doesn't ask what needs to be done. For being the Best Friend of the World's Greatest Detective, Superman hasn't learned a God Damned thing!

Superman might agree to this but Batman will nip it in the bud pretty fucking quickly.

The media reports on the arrival of an alien ship are realistically portrayed in the comic book. They work the crowd asking inane questions and, in so doing, find out nothing about the alien ship. They do find out that two people are in love and a blind man can feel and see the intense radiation coming off of the ship. They also report that the ship looks threatening but broadcast a message of peace across all wavelengths and all media. So what you're saying is it disrupted communication all over the world?! And the United States Government hasn't thrown a few nukes at it? What are they waiting for? It's not like they've ever trusted Superman in the entire run of The New 52, so why believe him when he vouches for the aliens?

Also, Batman really looks ridiculous walking through a crowd of people, none of which are dressed in an animal costume.

And just like that, Aquaman is my favorite character!

You would think Aquaman would believe in Poseidon since one of his best friends is the Greek god of war. I would think he would have asked her about Poseidon and she would have told him what a huge douchebag he was. But I imagine that Aquaman and Wonder Woman don't really spend a lot of time talking with each other. I bet that scene in Finch's Wonder Woman where Diana hugs a teddy bear while telling Aquaman that being a woman in the modern world is really, really hard is the only real conversation they've shared in the last five years.

Aquaman allows the Kryptonian missionary to hang about the place trying to convert Atlanteans to Raoism. If I were Aquaman, I would have made a kingly decision and thrown him out on his ass. Not because I think the Atlanteans would need protection but because why even allow somebody you know is a total fraud to run around annoying the populace? Missionaries are the worst of the worst. They're culture murderers. They're no better than aggressors that would sweep through a town and raze it to the ground. Missionaries destroy just as much as pillagers and vandals. It's just that after missionaries are through, the buildings might still be standing but little left of the people and their culture remain. Besides, this Prophet of Rao probably has magical alien mind control abilities which the Atlanteans will be more susceptible to than the rest of the world. Why else would he target them? Maybe they have other resources Rao is interested in? Like dolphin semen and dried Dugong dicks.

Here's a joke I just made up! What's the difference between the missionary position and missionaries on a mission? The first gets you fucked in the vagina, the second gets you fucked in the ass.

Since God spoke to Moses? I think that's Perry's hint that he doesn't care if somebody fabricates the entire story.

Rao wants to start a ministry with Superman's help and Superman seems up for it. Either he himself was (once again!) mind-controlled or he's the biggest dope in the super hero community. My guess is that when he touched Rao, his mind was manipulated in some way. Superman really needs to figure out a way to protect against being controlled by other people. All it takes is one wanna-be Hector Hammond to take over Superman and the world is over. He might not be a danger in the xenophobic, racist way that Lex Luthor and, apparently, 97% of the people living in the DC Universe think he is but he's definitely a danger to the planet if he can't stop getting brainwashed and taken over by magic.

Batman and Cyborg head back to the Batcave to do some research and have some tea. The tea is Earl Grey and the research is on how to kill Rao. That research is easy because Batman already has a large file on how to kill Superman and he's pretty much a Kryptonian god too, right?

Batman wants to know Rao's agenda and Cyborg seems to think it's peace on Earth. Except Rao simply said, "I have come to save you." That's pretty vague! Jumping to the conclusion that that means "peace on Earth" is the kind of non-detective bullshit that Batman wants to avoid.

Lois Lane keeps busy writing the article for J. Perry Jameson. It's full of misused punctuation and sentence fragments. It might have been written by me!

Rao invites a bunch of people aboard his "cathedral" to speak with them. After the run in with Ulysses and the big trick he pulled getting loads of people onto his ship, shouldn't Superman have some doubts about this? That was another person visiting Earth and promising peace and eventually turning out to be a fraud. That's how it always happens! It never deviates from that model! Batman should have thrown a batarang at it as soon as it arrived since he's going to be doing that eventually anyway. And he knows it!

This is definitely not The New 52 Earth because when has anybody trusted Superman at all during the last few years?

Look, I don't care if this story doesn't exactly fit into the current timelines happening in the other DC Comic books right now. In the long run, that doesn't matter. But what I would like is some consistency in the world and the character in stories told within just a few years of each other (without, you know, a Reboot between them).

Rao sends his prophets to "pray" a bunch of sick people to health and all he asks in return is their unending fealty and faith. Some compassionate god! If he were really compassionate, he'd do it without demanding anything! The greedy son of a whor...err, I mean, virgin, probably.

Rao continues to suck Superman's dick and tell him everything he wants to hear. Batman mopes and pouts around the Batcave worried about all the horrible people Rao is healing. Shouldn't he be judging and condemning?! Stop being so loving and compassionate, Rao! Bruce can't handle it!

Clark finally remembers that Diana disappeared that first night along with Hal and Barry. He doesn't seem too worried because he's a horrible boyfriend. Also he's probably under some kind of mind-control, remember? The issue ends with Diana waking up amidst the destruction of Olympus. Whoops! I guess Rao is just here to feed on Earth's gods and gain their power. I imagine Jesus Christ and Allah are probably dead already too. And whoever the Mormon's worship. Cowboy Jesus Christ?

Justice League of America #2 Rating: No change. I think this is an Elseworlds book, right? It must be because I barely recognize anybody. Even Alfred was all, "The Bible says great things about God, Master Bruce!" It can't be the real New 52 universe because Aquaman is the greatest character I've ever read in this book! If this Aquaman were allowed to marry New 52 Mera and they could star in a comic book called Aquaman Loves Mera and they could have lots of adventures and be bad-ass, it would probably sell at least one copy because I'd buy it. If I remembered to put it on my pull list.

Justice League #9

Do Justice League covers always have to be dynamic? Just show them sitting around sipping coffee and reading the paper.

Four years ago, David Graves authored a book called Gods Among Men which was about the Justice League's sudden appearance in the world. He's also the author in the DCnU who writes about the kinds of things you'd hear on Coast to Coast AM.

The second book from the left should be "Fatima Prophecies" not "Fatmia Prophecies."

David Graves is dying of cancer and his current doctor has decided that enough is enough. They've tried everything and nothing is working. It's time for David to make his peace. But David is not fucking going out like that, bitch!

I think he wants a second opinion.

No doctor can help David so David decides it's time to help himself. That probably means becoming a super villain to get the Justice League's attention and force them to save his ass.

Meanwhile, Batman is busy reading the letter Barry delivered to him in Flashpoint. It's the letter from his father from the alternate timeline. While he's contemplating a father he never knew, yet another explosion at Arkham helps free a bunch of inmates. The guy causing the explosion to get into Arkham? The Key. Flashback to Morrison's run on the Justice League back in the late 90s. Which makes me realize that last issue was also a flashback to that run! Is Johns making his timeline in the Reboot similar to the old DCU timeline in slight ways? Green Arrow proved he was good enough to join the team by taking out The Key with a Boxing Glove arrow in Morrison's run. Now, Green Arrow has not been allowed to join the League. The League isn't searching for new members like they were in Morrison's run, mostly because Martian Manhunter fucked it up for everyone in the Reboot.

The letter reminds Batman of a sad memory of repainting his room after his parents were killed. And later, in Metropolis, Superman has a sad memory of being picked last for the basketball team when Lois calls everyone to come with her to the taco truck for free tacos except Clark. That's disgusting, Lois! This whole issue is beginning to channel Sailor Moon R: The Movie. Will it end (or, will the final issue of the storyline end) with them remembering a time when Sailor Moon included them and made them happy with her insufferable, I mean, ineffable charm? But replace Sailor Moon with someone else. Wonder Woman? Steve Trevor? Amanda Waller?

That reminds me! Back in the mid-90s, I made an AMV (Anime Music Video) of Sailor Moon R: The Movie. It was done by hooking up a Laser Disc Player and a Stereo to a VCR. Halfway through, you can see the blue screen where you're supposed to flip the Laser Disc. AMV old school, beeyotch.

Batman gives Superman a call to help him take down The Key. Not that Batman needs Superman's help. Batman's just thinking about his friend's needs.

The Key is probably a sore spot because Clark kept pulling that Rare when he first began collecting Heroclix. That and fucking Desaad. And Goddamned Commissioner Gordon too!

Batman also invited Cyborg along to help track The Key inside Arkham. Cyborg also has a sad memory about how his daddy never had time for him until he was turned into a walking weapon. And then his daddy wanted to spend time with him but Cyborg was too busy. Cue Cat's Cradle!

Cyborg directs everyone to the stairs to head down lower into Arkham where The Key is headed. But Superman knows the secret to Gotham: its walls are like Styrofoam! He busts through the walls because, you know, why take the way that won't result in expensive property damage when you can make your own, more direct route that will create jobs for the citizens of Gotham! Nice one, Job Creator Man!

While all this super heroical crap is going on, Steve Trevor has wandered into his apartment where he keeps the television on at all hours. He's instantly greeted with Harvey and Charles from TMZ pointing out how Steve Trevor has become a big loser since he broke up with Wonder Woman. So I guess that's what all the tension is about between the two of them. They used to date and now it's over and Steve Trevor is heartbroken. And Diana just wants to be friends. Super friends!

Oh, I mention Steve Trevor because Davy Graves was waiting for him in his apartment. I guess he was the one watching TMZ before Trevor got home! Davy Graves wants a meeting with the Justice League (or revenge? It's sometimes hard to tell with these super villains) and has determined that Colonel Steve Trevor is the key. No, no, no! Not The Key! He's different.

Yay, Geoff Johns! Someone who understands The Flash Dilemma!

The Flash and Green Lantern are hanging out doing super-heroics as well! And they also have sad memories although they're not quite on par with the Clark's, Bruce's, or Victor's. Jordan is being manhandled by a cop and Allen is watching cops manhandle a civilian. Sorry if the emotional impact of these two scenarios are lost on me when Bruce is dealing with dead parents, Victor is dealing with a living but uncaring dad, and Clark is having his feelings of abandonment and loneliness multiplied by his schoolmates' attitudes.

Flash and Lantern have apprehended Weapons Master and need to question him to find out who sent him and for what reason. But they fail at their interrogation so they need Wonder Woman and her magic lasso. Wonder Woman has a sad memory as well.

So does she still want to be more than Super Friends?

Bats, Supes, and Cybs find The Key cowering in the basement of Arkham. He wants to be locked up and thrown away! What a punster! He'll fight right in in Gotham City. It looks like David Graves got inside the mind of The Key and stole everything The Key knew about the Justice League. He also found out from the Weapons Master how to hurt each and every one of the Justice League. So just like any good author, he's doing his research before his next novel. I think the next novel is going to have something to do with the death of the Justice League and the death of David Graves too.

But the story isn't over yet! Remember how Graves was in Trevor's apartment? Yeah, well, he wants information. And Graves is all tricked out in some kind of super villain costume that the creative team are keeping mostly secret until next issue.

Don't worry, Steve Trevor! Graves will probably keep you alive to leave you as the surprise calling card on the satellite which the League will find just before he strikes.

That's it for the Justice League. And I wasn't planning on scanning anything from the Shazaam story but this part was just too nice. Billy still isn't getting along with his new siblings. He just wants to be left alone. But after school, the rich and influential parent's kids begin picking on the Foster Marvels. They begin getting physical when Billy beats the crap out of all of them. Billy gets in trouble and is threatened with expulsion if he continues to get into fights. But after leaving the principal's office, this goes down:

I could learn to like this Billy Batson.

The story ends with Dr. Sivana getting blasted in the eye on an archaeological dig. He develops a lightning bolt scar across his eye and he realizes he can see magic! How he knows this, I don't know! It's probably part of the mystic transfusion of power received by breaking into the Tomb of Black Adam.

Justice League #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic is so, so, so much better when Geoff Johns writes a story instead of a storyboard for a gigantic fight. I'm thoroughly enjoying it now.

Justice League #3

JL #3 begins with Steve Trevor freaking out about Diana having escaped some government facility where he was keeping her out of trouble. Which makes me wonder: How much of our knowledge of the old DC Universe's history are we supposed to be relying on to understand what's going on in this new reboot? We've learned a tiny bit about what's happened in the time before this five years in the past moment. Flash and Green Lantern have apparently teamed up once to defeat Gorilla Grodd in Central City and have come to know each other fairly well. Batman has been active enough to become an Urban Legend that even people outside of Gotham City have heard about. Superman doesn't really seem to have any sort of past. He's squatting in an abandoned Daily Planet building and doesn't seem to have a secret identity. Wonder Woman, we find out in this issue, was brought back from Paradise Island by Steve Trevor after his test plane crash landed there. Oh, we also learn that Jim Lee is just another artist who draw children as if they're just tiny adults.




And is there going to be continuity between this title and all of the JL Members individual titles? At the end of the 52 maxiseries, the DC Universe had been broken up into 52 dimensions. So is each comic title supposed to be an individual dimension and thus have no relation to any other comic? Or should I believe that the comics grouped together in The New 52 #1 collection are supposed to be in the same universe? That would place Justice League, Justice League International, Aquaman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Captain Atom, Firestorm, Green Arrow, Hawkman, Mr. Terrific and DC Universe Presents Deadman in the same Universe. If that isn't meant to mean anything, why are they grouped at all in The New 52 collected book?

I think I'll just take them all as individual universes for now. It seems the way DC wanted it by the end of 52. And it keeps continuity easy because continuity only exists within each title. But then how are they going to have Crossover events?!

I'm also now wondering where exactly is Metropolis and Gotham City located in this Universe's United States? Apparently the last couple of Universes never could quite pinpoint them in space. But here we already see that Gotham City and Metropolis are a plane's flight away from each other with Detroit lying somewhere along that path (since we see Green Lantern's plane fly over Victor Stone's football game). Gotham is probably still located on the Eastern Seaboard, probably in the New York City/New Jersey area. Metropolis is possibly in Kansas (most likely, historically) or possibly Iowa. Looking at a map of the United States, Green Lantern's flight pather over Detroit doesn't make any sense, so Green Lantern probably got lost along the way.

Where was I? Parademons have busted loose from all the Boom Cubes and are beginning to grab people and fly away. Victor Stone is burning to death. Wonder Woman is having a great time killing her modern day harpies. And the other guys are doing something somewhere as well. Probably seeing who can pee the furthest. Oh no, they're fighting Parademons as well!


So far, I'm really liking Flash! And Batman is a close second.


But Superman is really going to have to work on his witty banter if we're going to be friends. What does that even mean, Superman?! It would make sense if you were hitting them with a camera! But a truck?!

So the guys beat up on some Parademons some more and we see them flying over a big body of water. Maybe I need to rethink that thing about Metropolis being in Kansas. Especially since Wonder Woman suddenly shows up to join the fight and she had just been in Washington, D.C.! So either Gotham is in Minnesota or Green Lantern really got fucking lost.

Meanwhile, Vic Stone is in a lot of trouble.

He's going into cardiac arrest with his heart racing up his spinal cord? Or is it the cardiac arrest racing up his spinal cord? Oh, probably the energy that is devouring him! Of course, that's T.O. Morrow with the medical know how and we all know how crazy he's going to turn out to be! Don't we?! Just ask Dr. Magnus!

One thing I'm realizing now that I'm reading comics again is that I've retained a whole lot of useless comic book knowledge that had no outlet until now!

Back to saving Victor Stone. They apparently fill him with Nanites recovered from...well, Dr. Morrow never finishes his sentence so we don't really know yet what Cyborg is going to be made from. But he seems to have some kind of mind-link with Darkseid because of the Nanites. So they must be Apokolypsian!

Flip flop yet again back to the Parademon fight! Green Lantern actually says, "Out of the ocean," when they see some great monolith rise up. So Metropolis is definitely on the eastern seaboard. And Gotham, I believe, is always a port city. So it's definite now: Green Lantern sucks at navigation.


And then Aquaman arrives to save the day! He's looking pretty good here even in his lame orange and green outfit. Check out next issue (along with Aquaman #1) when we find out how Geoff Johns really feels about having to script Aquaman in a comic!

Justice League #2

This kind of actually happens!

BIG SPOILERY VERSION
So JL #1 promises us Batman vs Superman! Awesome! Oh oh! And look at the cover! Look at them fighting! OH MAN! This is going to be awesome! Here it comes!



That's it? We missed the majority of the fight during a one page check-in on what Barry Allen is doing?! So after checking in on Bary having an ethical crisis at work where he wants to investigate murders but nobody is being allowed to investigate murders until they find out who The Flash is but Barry isn't going to let them find out who The Flash is so Barry isn't going to be able to investigate murders, we get back to Batman vs Superman. It's a huge two page splash with lots of tear gas

swirling about, a sonic disruptor lying impotently on the ground, Tasers stuck in Superman's chest and Batman back on his heels with a respirator clutched in his

teeth. Man! There's been a lot of action going on while we were away! Stupid month break and check-in on Wally! I mean Barry!

So back to the fight! After Batman gets a lot of information from Superman's non-weaknesses by trying lots of tricks on him and Superman gets a lot of information about Batman's gadgets by allowing him to try them all on him (seriously? Like Superman couldn't have put a stop to it as soon as Batman started?), Superman and Batman almost end the fight through *gasp* talking when Green Lantern starts it all up again.



So they say pictures are worth a thousand words but these Jim Lee and Geoff Johns guys end up using TWO FULL PAGES to tell the reader that Superman is more powerful than Green Lantern's ring. In a comic book with 24 pages that costs $4! That's .32! And 8 words! Except the two page image has no words at all! Maybe I can eke some more words out of the image since I hate to let an old cliche go to waste. Let's see: Green Lantern shields himself from the ring shrapnel but let's Batman take it full in the face. So a few more words might be Green Lantern is selfish and self-obsessed. Or maybe he just can't think too quickly which is right in line with Batman's critique of him in Issue #1. Also, Batman can seemingly dodge machine gun fire from three helicopters but he is pelted by this shrapnel. Is he smart enough to know that he won't be hurt by the ring's shrapnel so he doesn't try very hard to dodge it? Or is this an example of Superman's strength causing the shrapnel to fly faster than bullets? Anyway, I think 1000 words would have given more value to my $4.

So more punching and kicking and not talking ensues. Except there is talking because Green Lantern calls up the Flash and asks him to get over to Metropolis to help out. This enables everybody to see The Flash fight Superman now! And we learn some more stuff! The Flash claims to never have been hit ever ever never ever! Truly! But then Superman hits him. Luckily just flicks him with his finger or else The Flash probably would have been splattered all over Metropolis. I think by this point we've also learned that Superman has a bit of a rage problem.

I'd also like to know how The Flash speaking while running at super speed works. Does the fight end and then you hear everything he said? Is his voice all doppler effected? Can you even hear his words over the sound of his body punching through air? It's so easy just to make quote bubbles!

Of course after all of these peacock displays of power (cock being the operative syllable), Batman stops the whole thing with a simple please! I guess Superman really is just a great big boyscout.



I appreciate that The Flash cleans up after the fight. Rarely do heroes take any responsibility over the damage they cause during their giant brouhahas.

And then back to My Dad Doesn't Care starring Victor Stone! Vic shows up at S.T.A.R labs where his dad is checking out a Boom Cube. And of course they don't recognize the kind of metal it's made from. Is there some idea in the fiction world that since different metal alloys exist, from electrum which occurs naturally to manmade brass, bronze, and steel, that the future will have discovered some super duper futuristic alloys? And even if they did, the scientists should still be able to tell what elements compose the metal and then say what elements the Boom Cube is made of and say that instead of saying "We don't knonw anything about the metal it's made of!" If they don't know what metal it is made of, my guess is that it's highly radioactive and unstable! Just like the relationship between Vic Stone and his dad Dr., um, um, Stone!

So Victor says blah blah blah football blah pro blah it's all I ever care about.

And Dr. Stone says blah blah blah football is a joke blah blah I don't respect my son blah blah.

And then a billion trillion Parademons explode out of the Boom Cubes! Surprise! And Victor Stone is burnt perty near to death! Surprise! I wonder if he'll live?!

52 at First Glance, Part Two

5. The Flash
Writer: Francis Manapul
Artist: Brian Buccellato

I don't recognize the artist or the writer and the cover isn't anything even close to special. Look! It's The Flash running right at me!

The Flash never interested me much. Although he does seem to be behind all of the big problems in DC Continuity! You know, I don't think I've ever seen The Flash and Ambush Bug in the same place! Hmm.

With this cover, I never would have picked up The Flash. What interests me in The Flash is his Rogue's Gallery of villains. He's got some of the best and I'd name them here if that wouldn't contradict what I just said. Grodd? Captain Boomerang? Captain Cold? Mirror Master? Pretty lame bunch. Except they're some of the most entertainingly written villains. At least as I remember it! Plus, I once threw a Captain Cold themed costume party. I was Captain Cold and the house was my, um, Cold Lair? Lair of Ice?

6. Captain Atom
Writer: J.T. Krul
Artist: Freddie Williams II

I don't recognize the writer or the artist! Captain Atom is too military for me. See? He's a captain! I think he was some sort of military pilot or something as well. Like Hal Jordan! Unless I'm thinking of Hal Jordan.

I remember Captain Atom was in one of the Justice Leagues. I remember Captain Atom ended up in prehistoric times with some major cross-over villain. Was that villain The Anti-Monitor? Was Captain Atom a big player in Crisis? Man, why don't I just Google this crap!

Anyway, I would not have normally picked this up. And not with the cover of his big face and he seems to be doing something nuclear and I think he has a mohawk. Nuklon?

I'm starting to think the editors just told the cover artists for all the issues #1s to "Highlight the heroes!" and that was all the direction they received.

7. The Fury of Firestorm, The Nuclear Men
Writer: Gail Simone
Pencils: Ethan Van Sciver
Inks: Yildiray Cinar

I used to like Firestorm in the cartoons. That's because if a guy could make anything he wanted with his imagination, I liked him. I liked the randomness of him. Batman could be counted on for this as well since he always had some weird Bat-something to get him out of a fix. Like Bat-lube. No. Seriously.

But I hated that he was some young kid who merged with his professor and his professor just basically lost himself in the process. Oh boy! He gets to think at Firestorm and give him advice but he can't do anything else. Meanwhile, he's probably got dishes to do at home and his cat is hungry and who's going to take his sweater vests to the dry cleaner?

The cover of Fury of Firestorm seems to show three Firestorms. And the comic is subtitled the Nuclear Men instead of, I think, the old title of Nuclear Man. So there's a twist right there! I probably would have skipped this title as well.

I've seen the name Gail Simone. I believe she may have been starting out right about when I quit reading comics. I could be super wrong about that. Maybe that's my super power! Placing things incorrectly in historical context! But she made Batgirl hip or groovy or something. Unless it was Catgirl. Or Robgirl.

I don't know the artists.

8. Green Arrow
Writer: J.T. Krul
Pencils: Dan Jurgens
Inks: George Perez

I read some Green Arrow when Kevin Smith was writing it. Okay, yeah. DC lured me in with that trick. Big deal! I'm only human! Unless that history thing is a real power and then I'm only super human!

I believe Green Arrow is anti-corporate. He is green! So he must fight for the environment. Plus he uses arrows. That's environmentally friendly. So I'm going to guess that this Green Arrow is totally corporate! And they hire him to infiltrate places like Greenpeace and, um, Greenpeace at Sea!

I don't know the writer.

It seems weird to me that they have Dan Jurgens being inked by George Perez. DC's contracts must state that each writer or artist or writer/artist must work on so many titles each month. So Dan is off writing JLI and drawing Green Arrow while George is writing Superman and inking Green Arrow. And maybe other stuff.

Also, who knew George Perez was still alive? And while bagging my comics, I noticed Keith Giffen replaces Jurgens on a later episode. Yay!

I probably would have skipped Green Arrow.