Midnighter #2

Is kanji based on what it looks like? If so, the writing on this cover means "Fox Face Man Barbecuing Butt Cheeks."

This issue doesn't begin with Apollo apologizing to Midnighter for missing his debut comic book. Which is probably a good thing because then Midnighter would mention how he fucked this guy named Jason so it was a pretty good first issue without Apollo. Then Apollo would have to point out that he's been dating too and by dating he means sticking his dick wherever gay guys stick their dicks in other gay guys. It's not the same place non-gay guys stick their dicks in women, right? Ha! No, no! Of course it's a different place! I was just kidding around. Right?

Anyways, forget anything I just typed that might make you think I don't know how to sex up a person and remember the point I was trying to make which was this: I forgot.

Midnighter is hanging out in Al's Masse which probably means something to people that are more literate than I am. It's a pool hall! It's where Midnighter's heterosexual boyfriend works. His name is probably Al. Or Masse. Unless it's Tony!

Oh! I bet I know what his thing is! He searches bars for middle aged women drinking alone at bars with a sad look in their eyes! Then he thinks about that one time a woman actually touched his penis so that he gets a raging boner going in his too tight pants. Then he goes and talks to her while standing spreadeagled with his crotch pushed forward! It's like dangling a worm trying to get a bite!

Why would Midnighter need tips from a heterosexual on how to get laid? Guys are far less picky about sexual partners. Tony probably puts in 825% more work trying to get laid than Midnighter does. Plus Midnighter makes guys come in their pants just by walking by them. His body is hard! Is that how the gay guys say a man is hot? I totally wouldn't know because the closest I ever came to gay sex was when this guy Michael asked me if I'd ever been with a man and then, when I answered no, he asked if I wanted to be! I was too nervous to say yes. I mean, I wasn't interested! My body was pretty hard back then because I was young and awesome.

Midnighter's game of pool is interrupted by one of his Booty Calls (Asset #319, to be exact (notice he calls them "ass"ets?! Total booty calls!)) letting him know that some woman has gone hog wild in an Asian grocery store in Oakland, California. Did I need to add the California? We all know where Oakland is, right? I've totally partied there multiple times!

I'm glad I can't read Japanese or else I might accidentally kill myself making one of these sounds. Unless I'm alive because I don't speak Chinese! The name of the sounds sounds Chinese but I'm assuming the woman is Japanese because of the big red dot on the cover.

Midnigher arrives to stop Marina but he hears the six sounds which knock the wind out of him. Hearing one of the sounds a second time knocks him unconscious. Doesn't he have ear plugs that activate immediately upon hearing Killing Sounds? Pshaw! He's nowhere near as super prepared as comic books have constantly told me he is! What a loser.

This issue is called "Midnighter?" because I bet that's what Midnighter says when he meets his nemesis Trent Lucas. Or that's what the nemesis says when he meets Midnighter who looks exactly like him. Something involving clones is going to happen anyway! Mark my words! Am I not the first person who guessed Harvest was actually vampire Tim Drake from the future? I know that hasn't been revealed yet but Tim Drake is in the future now in Batman Beyond, isn't he? And you all scoffed at my prognostications! For shame!

As Marina threatens the three board members of the grocery that caused the deaths of forty-four people, Midnighter comes around. Apparently he doesn't have ear plugs strong enough to block Killing Sounds so he digs out his inner ear workings. You know? The things like the anvil and the hammer and the tiny horse. Oh! And the drums! I think there are drums in there! It doesn't throw off his balance because he's Midnighter! So he hooks a rope to the roof, jumps off the side, crashes through a window, and kicks Marina in the face. Day won!

The next day, Midnighter goes on a date with Matt who is a guy he dated last issue or something. He's super ugly so I don't know what Midnighter sees in him. Matt is concerned because Russia doesn't like gay people. But worse than going out in Moscow while being gay is going out anywhere in an American flag tank top. Yeesh, Midnighter! Pull it together!

Oh. So the main plot of this comic book is Plot Friday The 13th The Television Series! Also the bad guy is somehow Midnighter! Or a clone! Remember the clones!

Oh my god! As I turned the page in the very center of the comic book, the top portion came off the staple! Argh! My comic book is now priceless! Not the good version of priceless! What is this shoddy construction?! DC Comics, improve your staple technology! Unless you just have a lousy Staple Robot at your work. I hope you drug test your robots! Last thing I need is for all of my comic books to fall apart because I've got some Staple Robot hopped up on Quaaludes not stapling hard enough. I'm so depressed now I can hardly finish reading my comic book. Although Midnighter hasn't had any gay sex yet, so that might keep me interested. Gay sex is different than heterosexual sex in that both partners really enjoy themselves no matter how selfish half of them are (hint: it's the male half!).

The story returns to just after Midnighter kicked Marina in the face. He defeats her but still allows her to watch as he completes her act of vengeance on the board members. Take that, you stuffed shirts! Proletariat! Proletariat! Proletariat!

I hope I used that word correctly. I should hire an editor but only one that looks at specific sentences that I ask her to look at. As soon as I see her reading something I didn't want her to read and notice that sort of disgusted look that comes across the faces of people reading my stuff, she's fired! I don't need somebody I'm paying judging my writing!

After this scene, I would totally be in love with Midnighter if he had bosoms and a rounder butt and that flat front crotch area that slightly bulges and drives me crazy because that's where the good parts are!

Matt and Midnighter finish the date with Matt talking about Midnighter as if he's Dick Grayson. If Matt ever met Dick Grayson, he would drop Midnighter so fast, um, whiplash! Or something. Should I rewrite that?

During the date, Midnighter has a flashback to breaking up with Apollo. In the flashback, Midnighter admits that he made up Lucas Trent so that he could have a normal identity like everybody else. He didn't want to simply be a blank slate filled to the brim with alien technology and, probably, semen. Like Starfire! Um, anyway, see what I was saying? He isn't Lucas Trent! He's nobody! Which probably means he's a clone of Lucas Trent! Plus there are probably nanobots somewhere! There are always nanobots!

I thought it ended in makeup sex! I guess I'm not as good at midnighting as Midnighter is.

The issue ends with Midnighter speaking with Marina because he turned her into Asset 14. She's the person he now speaks with while he's out on missions since she has nothing but time. Plus she's a good potential future sidekick in about fifteen to twenty months! While speaking to her about his current mission where he's trying to track down information on the person who stole all of the goodies from the God Garden, he encounters either five hundred techno-ninjas or Multiplex.

Midnighter #2 Rating: +2 Ranking. This comic book feels like a full meal. It might also be because I stuffed a ton of free corn dogs and deep fried bean burritos into my face at work tonight also. This is a good comic book featuring a gay character. And not only that, it's featuring a gay character who is actually allowed to be gay! Holy ghosts, can you believe it?! It isn't any of this Alan Scott is gay but whoops his fiance died and now he's too sad to be gay ever again bullshit! Midnighter is properly gay and having sex with guys and everything! Maybe the "having sex with guys" is the only gay part. Anyway, now that he's met Multiplex, I have an idea! Multiplex should get a job with a super hero group as part of their Danger Room training! Instead of Batman or Superman destroying expensive technology in their training, they can beat up fake Multiplexes! And all they have to do is pay him a reasonable salary! They'd save so much money. And in the case of Midnighter, it would be perfect! He could kill loads and loads of Multiplexes and it wouldn't matter. Just good old fashioned training exercises! Um, anyway, really good comic book here! Right here! This one. You should buy it and shit.

Bat-mite #2

If Bat-mite can fly, why does he insist on floating at cock level?

What is the selling point of this comic book (besides the homoerotic possibility that this story might be entitled "Bat-Mite Might Suck Hawk Cock"?)? Nobody wants to read a comic book with Hawkman in it! And anybody who has played Lego Batman 3: Beyond Gotham doesn't want to read a comic book about this jerk who is constantly putting Help Tokens in the middle of everything which I accidentally hit over and over and over again and then have to scroll through his useless "help" suggestions. It's like following Neil Gaiman on Tumblr and having to wade through post after post of people asking him how to write! I just want to get to the good stuff like punching bad guys into Lego coins or pictures of Neil in sunglasses and a black leather coat and black pants with that look on his face that says, "Stop asking me how to write, you people who suck at writing!" I'm not one of those people because I never ask him how to write. Um, also I'm terrific at writing!

One of the things Neil Gaiman always tells fresh new writers is to "finish something." My advice is to not finish anything. My advice is to abandon all attempts at writing anything forever and just go scroll through Craigslist job ads because money is better than constantly annoying your friends with half-finished manuscripts that don't have nearly enough sex scenes in them. You might also scroll through the Craigslist ads for sexual encounters because then you might gain enough life experience to make your scripts more interesting for your friends. Although they'll still probably meet up at the coffee house without you and read your stories out loud to each other as they mercilessly rip your writing to pieces and then still pretend to be your friends to your face.

I don't let my friends and family read anything I write anymore because my writing is often filled with sentences like "I hate my friends so much that they've gone right past being enemies and into being friends again!" and "I should probably call my mother for Mother's Day but PEE-YUKE!" and "My father was a disappointing father and lousy friend and my life probably would have turned out better if he'd drunk himself into an early grave!" Hmm. Now that I think about it, I don't let my friends and family read anything I write anymore because they all stopped talking to me.

So this comic book begins by almost venturing out of the E is for Everyone Rating Territory!

Judging by Victor's choice of assistants and the gender of his reanimated sex doll, I think I know why he was a clumsy lover!

Bat-mite rescues Hawkman from becoming the next body for Doctor Trauma's brain although how much could it have hurt to put a new personality inside of Hawkman's body? The old one hasn't really been working out too well over the last few years. Bat-mite feels the same way but he thinks the brain exchange is a bit much. He's going to make over Hawkman for the 21st Century! Although I don't know how he's going to do that when a robot stuck in the 1980s is writing this comic book. The makeover will probably come down to magic, nanobots, an oversized pink blazer with no shirt, or a boxing match against Ivan Drago.

Bat-mite comes up with an idea for a new Hawkman that might not work but at least it proves that Dan Jurgens is finally entering the nineties!

Weapon as arm? Check. Long hair? Check. Bad-ass tattoos? Check. Pouches? Opposite of check. He's his own Father From the Future come back to kill himself to save the past and/or future? Probably check.

Bat-mite gets gassed again and tossed into the ocean. Dr. Trauma is upset that Bat-mite's skills rival her own although I have to assume that Dr. Trauma's assistants' skills rival her own as well or else how are they going to transfer Hawkman's brain into her body for her? I think she's going to have to kill her henchmen after the surgery is complete.

Uh-oh. I think Dan is venting! "It's tough being 'male', 'old', 'stale', and, um, 'old'!"

As Nurse Agnes pulls the switch to transfer Dr. Trauma's mind into Hawkman's body, I begin to feel a sense of dread. How is Dan Jurgens going to write the rest of this comic book sensitively enough to not be called transphobic?! He's a male robototron from the 1980s! The only thing he knows about transgender issues he probably learned from an episode of Donahue and that conversation was probably dominated by transvestites and drag queens!

Bat-mite doesn't die underwater at all because he can teleport. He heads back to save Hawkman but it's too late! The brains have been transferred! It's time for an epic battle of fisticuffs but with weapons and magic.

The Golden Girls is a thirty year old reference but to a robototron from the 1980s, it seems like a timely pop culture reference.

Bat-mite gasses Hawkman and has Nurse Agnes reverse the brain switch without pulling an Airboy #2 gaff of any kind. I'm impressed! Maybe the Robototron Dan Jurgens isn't as backwards as I thought!

After the rescue, Bat-mite befriends some youths named Reagan and Weed. I bet those are just nicknames! Weed because he smokes pot and Reagan because she's into trickle-down theory, if you get my meaning! Wink wink!

I hope putting "wink, wink" after something I don't understand makes it sound sexual!

Reagan works for some place called "The Agency" or something. It's all very secretive! Unless it only seems secretive because Bat-mite just met Reagan and Weed. They might actually be really open about it and they'll tell Bat-mite all about it over breakfast in the morning. What is a secret is that they're being watched by some guy named Gridlock!

For some mysterious reason that I can't put my finger on, Gridlock is against any social changes that happened after 1989!

Bat-mite #2 Rating: No change. I know this comic book is rated E for Everyone but I don't think that's true at all! It's actually for mature readers. And I don't mean mature as in a person who remembers not to laugh at dick jokes and farts. I mean mature as in people older than forty. Although I am thoroughly entertained by Dan Jurgens using this comic book as a means to vent his feelings that he's being put out to pasture while all these young hipster kids swoop in to take his job because they can actually relate to the younger market. You go get 'em, Dan! Robototron Attack!

Bizarro #2

YOU! Got what I neeeeeeeeeed! But you say he's just a friend! You say he's just a friend. OH BABY!!

My dream is to be the Biz Markie of comic book reviewers! Have I succeeded yet?! My pockets aren't full of cash so I'm going to assume the answer is no. But that's not a problem on my side! That's a problem with the sophistication and intelligence of the people not giving me scads of cash. Jerks! I bet all those people with money are sitting around talking about their money and how excited they are to have Bloom County back after they quickly read the Bloom County Wikipedia to find out what all the hubbub was about. Hey! I'm super artsy and popular and funny too! At least I could be popular if everybody started talking about me! You should be the first people to talk about me on social media sites because that would make you cool and cutting edge! You could build the bandwagon! Also, you should be an investor with lots of money who isn't expecting a return on that money because I'm just going to spend it on Oreos and fines for masturbating in public.

Hmm. Since Bizarro is rated E for Everyone, I probably shouldn't mention masturbating in the commentary for it. Although, as long as I don't make a big deal about the word "masturbation" and call attention to it, all the young Everyones won't know what it is or how much time they'll be spending doing it in a few years!

Hey DC Comics! Leave the poorly drawn stick people crayon pages to me! You'll be hearing from my pretend lawyer whose never lost a pretend case in his life.

I've been reading the second edition of The Norton Anthology of Modern Poetry published about twenty years ago because I really like poetry by old white people and Langston Hughes as well. What I have discovered so far is that I don't appreciate Gerard Manley Hopkins at all. It's as if he decided he was going to write the most incomprehensible comic book reviews poetry he could think of, throw in a bunch of references to Jesus and Mary, and add a bunch of accent marks to make sure everybody was stressing his syllables correctly. As if it mattered! His meter is fucking--and I'm being quite technical in my poetry criticism lingo here--wackadoodle! Maybe it's just me. I have to admit some of his meter and schemes are quite clever, and he never makes them easy by not ending sentences where they usually end in low grade amateur poetry (at the end of the line! Duh!). I think people like him because he's difficult and liking difficult poetry makes a person better than a person who doesn't like difficult poetry. They get to look down their snobby noses at the dissenter and say things like, "You just don't understand it." Oh, I understand it's crap, jerk! Sometimes I like difficult poetry! But I certainly don't like Gerard Manley Hopkins' difficult poetry! Although that one where the nuns drown was hilarious.

Gosh darn it, Bizarro! Now a whole generation of kids are going to think King Tut was Pharaoh during the time of Moses! Thanks for contributing to Dumb Kids Who Don't Know Their Bible Culture!

I'm sure glad God is fooled by changing the "d" in his name to "sh"! That way I can get away with committing blasphemy whenever I stub my toe or rant at a fictional character! Watch this! "Hey Gosh! Suck it! Your son Jeezly Crow is garbage!" Hee hee! The best part is I can't be punished on a technicality! God is dumb! I mean Gosh is dumb! Crap!

Schlemiel! Schlimazel!

As an areligious kid growing up in Northern California, I had no idea that Schlemiel or a Schlimazel was anything other than complete nonsense. I don't think I learned of the existence of Jewish people until that commercial with the son and his grandfather fishing where the kid is a huge transphobic, misogynistic, anti-semitic bigot. Even back then, I knew to yell at the television set within earshot of people who would nod in assent and approve of my views, "That kid is gross! He should be shunned and destroyed!"

Oh! I forgot I was reading Bizarro. Um, Jimmy Olsen is freed from Tut's spell by Bizarro's penis chewing on his skull. Don't worry! It doesn't have to make sense! This book is rated E for Everyone. Have you read a children's book lately? They're worse than a poem by Gerard Manley Hopkins! I wish my middle name were "Manley" and then people would just assume I knew about cars and sports and pleasuring women without always embarrassing me by asking me questions I can't answer. Like "What is an engine?" and "How many sports does a sportsball score?" and "Why would I have sex with you?"

Bizarro's penis also slaps Tut's daughter in the head, breaking the spell on her as well. I should probably remember her name because it might seem sexist that I can't remember it as opposed to seeming like I have a serious brain injury which I wish I had right now to defend against any accusations of sexism.

What's her name's boobs look hot, right?

Bizarro uses Super-Hypnosis to defeat King Tut by making him think he's a chicken. I don't know what Bizarro really thought he was turning King Tut into because I don't know what the opposite of chicken is. When Tut drops his Staff of Ra, Jimmy Olsen breaks it over his knee releasing a huge amount of destructive magic energy! No, no. It just breaks in two. So unbelievable.

Does Superman have Super-Hypnosis? I suppose he would have the opposite of that power which is Super-Gullibility?

After Jimmy and Bizarro are given medallions and a convertible for saving the people of Smallville from buying some cars, they leave town, presumably for Gotham if the cover can be believed. Regina, King Tut's daughter, decides she needs to get revenge on Bizarro for turning her father into an Indigo Girl's song. Part of her motivation might also be the influence of the Staff of Ra after she repairs it. Also she might be mad at Jimmy Olsen for not kissing her after she gave him a car.

In Gotham, Jimmy Olsen snaps a picture of Kelley Jones' Batman throwing a Batarang into Bizarro's head. Next they stop off at Central City where Jimmy snaps a picture of Bizarro clotheslining The Flash as he runs by. Jimmy must have a pretty fast shutter speed! Unless it's something else about cameras that lets them capture fast moving objects. Like the aperture! Or the cell phone plan!

After evading the ARGUS Agents that have been following them across the country, Jimmy and Bizarro head into a ghost town where Jimmy gets to meet another fantastic looking woman he's not going to do it to. I mean, he's not going to do it to her because she's going to be a fully fleshed out character who is not just in the comic as a romantic foil for Jimmy Olsen. She won't be that at all! But she must still have nice bosoms and a nice behind, of course, or else all the male fans will throw the book down in disgust while scratching their huge bellies and wondering why the room smells like old farts and sniffing the hand that was just scratching their balls to determine if they should take a shower or not before the big Magic Tournament later that night.

Chastity Hex am not stripper name at all!

Night falls and the ghosts come out and I inscribe "Chastity Hex" on the inside of my Secret Diary where I keep the names of all of my crushes.

Bizarro #2 Rating: No change. It am not funny at all. By which I mean it has quite a few moments that really entertained me. It's a cute book!

Twat Lobo #8

In this issue, our hero has sex with some stuff and then kills some stuff. He might even do both to some of the same stuff!

Twat Lobo is the hero this generation deserves! Ha ha! In your face, Twat Generation! That's your new nickname! I think the Twat Generation encompasses the years from 1963 until 2015! Twats!

Oh wait! Except for the year 1971! That year is exempt! Whew! That was close. I almost called myself a twat!

If The Boomers jerks who gave us the Boomers can refer to themselves as The Greatest Generation, can't every generation after their stupid Boomer offspring just call themselves The Twattiest Generation and just give a great big middle finger to every stupid fucking Boomer who decided the world really wasn't worth saving once all the free love dried up? Jerks!

This issue begins with Twat Lobo battling a Daemonite, a Thanagarian, and a White Martian. Those sound like delicious drinks full of alcohol! I bet a White Martian is two parts Kahlua, five parts Vodka, and three parts screams of an abductee. A Daemonite is three parts Zima, two parts awful art, and one part terrible scripting. And a Thanagarian is a broken beer bottle jammed into the neck of the first person to piss you off. Who's ready to party?!

Did the Martian and Thanagarian stand around debating the existence of God while they allowed Twat Lobo to wrap his chain that many times around the Daemonite?

Twat Lobo does that thing where he thinks about how powerful his foes are so that the reader understands how truly difficult the battle was even after he kills them in two or three pages. He also thinks up his strategy which is this: kill...er, sorry...ice them quickly. So the plan to battle super difficult foes is to kill them quickly? I figure the thing that makes them difficult is the same thing that keeps the fight from going fast. If they were easy foes, I can see the fight going quickly! But if they're super tough opponents, you don't want to take too long fighting them! So kill them quickly! Which means they're really not that difficult and I think Twat Lobo is lying to all of the readers to make himself seem more like a bad-ass than he really is.

When Twat Lobo realizes his opponents are also being controlled by some kind of Hypno-Bot, he swears in Yiddish. Well that makes his genocide of his own people even more offensive than it already was!

Twat Lobo doesn't ice them as quickly as he had planned to. I suppose it's a good way to fill up half of a script, anyway! And when you're writing as many comics as Cullen Bunn writes each month, a few short cuts have to be taken. It's easier to send Cliff Richards a script which reads: Pages 1-10: Twat Lobo Battles The Thanagarian and the Daemonite and the White Martian from the end of last issue. Have fun!

During the battle, Twat Lobo mentions that pity is against the Code. I wish I'd been keeping track of all of Twat Lobo's rules. Does anybody want to sift back through all of Twat Lobo's back issues and write up his list of codes for me?

Some space guy with a laser bow appears on page nine to help Twat Lobo finish the battle. Wow! He must really get teased! A science fiction space guy using a crappy bow?! I mean, if it fires lasers anyway, why does his weapon need to be bow shaped? What is the deal with airline food?!

Twat Lobo knows a guy he calls The Twat Mechanic. This guy knows every maker of technology in the entire universe! Bullshit! Nobody can know an infinite amount of information! Or as close to infinite as matters, anyways! But I guess he's a lazy plot device to just move Twat Lobo closer to his next victim, so why am I complaining? What do I want to read? Three issues of Twat Lobo running around in circles trying to figure out where the Hypno-Bots were made?! I don't even want to read three issues of Twat Lobo doing anything interesting! Not that there's any chance of that happening with Bunn at the wheel. Ha ha! That was a Cullen Burn!

This panel could have taken place immediately after the page ending with Twat Lobo dealing with the Twat Mechanic and mentioning how the Twat Mechanic gets results.

But instead, this page sits between them. This is the equivalent of expanding the margins on your final paper.

Between the ten page fight and throwing in redundant pages, Cullen Bunn only had to write about four pages of script this month! Easy money! Cha-ching!

Twat Lobo walks around the party and everybody glances at him and thinks, "Oh, he's here to try to murder the Countess." So it isn't a surprise to anybody when he walks into the Countess's lab of Hypno-bots only to be ambushed by the Countess and the Thanagarian and a bald woman and a bunch of Stormtroopers and a couple of Alien Scientists (they have big brains so I'm sure they're behind the Bots and the mind control). Countess Fab informs Twat Lobo that the hypno-bots aren't manufactured at all. They're born underneath her skin. Well, good thing they were born with Maker's Marks so that The Twat Mechanic could figure out where they came from.

The big twist comes right before Twat Lobo cuts off Countess Fab's head and/or fucks her: he's infected with a mind control spider-bot! Oh my God! Nobody saw this coming at all! Which is surprising seeing that Twat Lobo's entire mission was to find the person manufacturing small mind control robots that burrow into the skin of the victim. No possible way he could have protected against this eventuality? Oh wait! Of course he did! That's going to be the real twist! The Twat Mechanic made some kind of shield against the power of the Spider-Bots! Twat Lobo is just going undercover to find out more about the Countess's business! Oh Twat Lobo! You're so clever!

Twat Lobo #8 Rating: This is already the worst comic book DC publishes every month. I can't make it any worse. No wait! It's my rules! I can make it worse! -1 Ranking! Suck it, Twat Lobo! You're now worse than the worst!

The Omega Men #2

Hasn't anybody told The Citadel what happens when you assure? You make an ass out of you and re.

How come I never learned in school how quickly a healthy metabolism is supposed to turn a meal into a bowel movement?! I had a 7-11 Red Hot Burrito on Friday morning and it exploded out of me on Sunday afternoon. That seems like a long time! And I know that burrito was the culprit because that particular burrito does that to me over 75% of the time! I know, I know! I'm not learning not to eat it! But it's also the only thing I eat that destroys my system. Usually my bowel movements are quick and healthy for some reason! I think it's because I rarely eat meat. Which is probably why that beef burrito with extra spicy chemical poop-loosener beats me every time! I bet the self-loathing generated from eating a meal out of a 7-11 doesn't help.

Oh! I think I know the answer to the question that began the last paragraph! I never learned that fact because I was a stupid literature major! I wish George Eliot just once had a character that specialized in bowel movements! Then I might know what I want to know! Stupid George Eliot!

Last issue, The Omega Men ran away from a fight like a bunch of cowards. Sure, they would have been slaughtered if they'd stayed to fight and some people might think of their decision as wise. But I still would have thought highly of their bravery had they killed themselves in a hopeless battle against an endless host of foes with superior firepower. Now I have to read a comic book about a bunch of scaredy cats (that was a jab at Tigorr! For those not familiar with The Omega Men, Tigorr is a ferocious tiger who may or may not be moonlighting as a spokestiger).

The issue begins with the Viceroy of the Citadel visiting the Governor of Ogyptu, the planet of pleasure and meditation and raking rocks and happy endings. They have a contract between them that sounds like it was written up by the Mafia or an American cell phone company. In exchange for The Citadel's protection, the Pleasure Planet had to agree to certain conditions. One of those conditions was that if a member of the Citadel is killed on the planet, one hundred residents of the planet must be executed in penance. And since thirty-nine Citadel soldiers died in the raid trying to capture The Omega Men last month, 3900 citizens of Ogyptu need to be killed. Yeesh. The planet didn't really look big enough or crowded enough to handle that kind of loss of life! But I suppose as the protectors of the local galaxy, the Americans' Citadel's demands must be met!

Meanwhile the cowardly Omega Men are busy placing a bomb in Kyle Rayner's neck. That'll teach Kyle Rayner! I don't know what it will teach him but I'm sure he'll learn a lesson from it somehow. Like maybe don't start dating the exes of your friends immediately after they break up. Or how about don't go out and find more Guardians after Sinestro took care of your Guardian problem. Or maybe don't be the best Green Lantern ever when there is absolutely no reason you should be better at Lanterning than Guy Gardner who is the best at everything including being an attractive woman.

The negotiation between the Viceroy and the Governor take place in Narration Boxes laid over Kyle Rayner's implantation surgery. It's some of the best stuff I've ever read that I didn't write myself. It has all the hallmarks of great dialogue. Quotation marks. Occasional changes in speaker. Other things that are important to good dialogue. It's so good! You should probably go out and buy this comic book just for the first three pages alone! And then, since you already bought it, go ahead and read the rest. Aside from every character being named after what they do, it'll probably be pretty good.

As Kyle recovers from surgery, he wakes up speaking Spanish. I'm not surprised I didn't know Kyle was Spanish because the only thing I ever knew about Kyle was that he was a comic book artist and that he kept his yogurt next to his girlfriend. But it turns out he's 50% Spanish just like me! Oh my God! I finally have representation in a comic book! Plus I get a chance to translate his Spanish with my half-ability to translate Spanish!

Panel One: "Angel of God. What am I? Your janitor? How about you take these divine goodies of mine and eat them, ha? May the Illuminati's dirigibles protect me!" Panel Two: No Spanish here. Just the governor asking 4000 citizens to surrender themselves to death. Unless, you know, they'd rather join The Omega Men! Panel Three: "In the numbers of the San Diego Padres, the son, and the ghost of Santa Claus. Ramen."

I bet some of the citizens being gathered for execution are named things like Fasty and Piloto and Good Conversationalist. They're the ones that would be good on The Omega Men! And now's the time to join a terrorist group of freedom fighters to overthrow the imperialist colonial dogs! I don't think this comic book has any secret messages about certain countries trying to impose their ideals and their will on certain other countries at the expense of the people within those countries that are already hated by the people in power. It's just a comic book! And we all know comic books are stupid bullpoo meant for kids! Look at the colors!

Primus (the leader of the Omega Men! Nobody else could be chosen when one of the team's name was Primus! It would be ridiculous if he were second in command!) tells Kyle that he must work with the Omega Men now or they'll incessantly call the iWatch they've placed inside of his neck and he'll forever hear that awful Apple ringtone! And everybody around him will constantly be checking their iPhones and iWatches because they're all trained like Pavlov's guinea pigs (which were dogs). Primus needs Kyle's help to rescue the 4000 people about to be slaughtered by the Viceroy and his toadie, the Governor. I'm glad I don't have to try to remember their names! It's easier to just remember their titles. I bet nobody every forgot Father of the Preamble Gouverneur Morris's name! Although nobody could ever spell it correctly.

The Viceroy's ship (shaped like an Omega because, I guess, the Romans were actually from the Vegan system) is piloted by a Changralyn (get it? Like Shangri-La! Whatever that is! I think it's like Neotopia or something) who needs to attend prayers while on the planet. But guess who else is a Changralyn? You'll never guess! It's Brute! I mean Broot!

I don't need your stinking forgiveness if it means I wind up murdered! Which it does! Jerk!

Kyle wants to save the people about to be executed but he had to leave his ring with the Citadel to enter the Vegan System. Primus is trying to teach Kyle the difference between terrorism and rebellion but he's a tough nut to crack having grown up in America where rebellion is only good if you're of America or her interests. Anything else is just monsters killing for no reason whatsoever! And now Primus has to convince Kyle that The Omega Men are on the right side. They're fighting for the rights of the Ogyptuans. They're fighting for freedom. At least that's what he says! He could be a terrorist in which case he's lying!

Broot and Tigorr take the robe of the Viceroy's pilot and try to sneak aboard the Viceroy's ship. Things fall apart but I don't know why because everybody is speaking in a font of gibberish.

They must be discussing nutritious breakfasts.

Scraps is hiding inside the body of Doctor Robot (no one can succeed like Doctor Robot!). She kills some guards while being cute and funny in that way that cute and funny works when people are being murdered. It's a difficult thing to pull off but I hear Napoleon was pretty good at it too. After the fighting, killing, and snappy rejoinders are done, The Omega Men steal the Omega Ship because it's fitting, right?! How could they not own it?!

After stealing the ship and picking up Kyle, The Omega Men do what they do best: flee like cowards! Kyle is all, "Dammit! I can't even check my texts on this watch!" And Primus is all, "We would have died if we had tried to save the 4000 already doomed by The Cita...what? Oh, you don't care about that, hunh?" And Kyle is all, "Hey Doctor Robot? Are you an Omega Man?" And Doctor Robot is all, "Shh. Shh. Of course I am. Stop being so stubborn and accept that you're one of us too." And Kyle is all, "I'll show you! I'll turn my Omega symbol into a Green Lantern symbol! Ha ha! You'll never own me! iWatch or no iWatch!"

The issue ends with a quote by William James about why people pray and I'd say it's pretty apt. It is this: "Many reasons are given why we should not pray. Others give reasons why we should pray. Very little is said of the reason we do pray. The reason is simple: We pray because we cannot help praying." I mean, sure, we can't help praying because we've been acculturated in a world that makes even atheists scream "Jesus Christ no!" just before they're hit by a bus.

The Omega Men #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. If you are not reading this comic book then you are not reading this comic book. I don't envy that position because it is a very good comic book indeed.

Action Comics #42

Gooble Gobble! Gooble Gobble!

Superman is a man descended from the sky who is trying to save us all while the government wants him dead! That seems vaguely familiar! And the imagery on the cover seems to remind me of something? I can't quite figure it out but it's probably the X-men since that's what this book has become. If any comic book readers can't get enough of the whole normal people hating super powered people story line from the last fifty years of The X-men, you can now get your fill with Superman! He says he's a nice guy just trying to do the right thing but how can anybody believe him when he's different than us?! And if you can't get enough of all of this xenophobic tripe, you only have about a year before Batman Vs Superman is in theaters and Bruce Wayne winds up making Lex Luthor look like a calm motherfucker (in a ridiculous wig).

Last issue, Superman returned to Metropolis even though everybody hates him now. He ran away for awhile but he decided it was time to come back. If you want to know why, you'll just have to wait until Superman #44 is published. Until then, just trust whatever Greg Pak writes and try not to get too angry when an Editor's Note tells you to go read a comic book that doesn't exist to understand what's going on. Some people in Superman's old neighborhood are glad he's back because, believe it or not, a minuscule number of people actually trust Superman and have no beef against him just because he's different.

Hey kids who have differences which the media often tell you will make your life hell because everybody in the world is a bigoted asshole! I have news for you: they're wrong. And stories like this perpetuate the idea that the majority of people are unfeeling assholes who won't accept anybody who's different than they are. People are assholes, yes, but for different reasons than being prejudiced cunts. The majority of people you meet in life will never try to harm you or be mean to you or treat you like the subhuman you probably are (I mean, let's face it. Aren't we all fucking gross assholes?). Although the part of this story that is believable is the part where the police are doing the bidding of the rich and powerful. They're moving in to wipe out the people in Superman's neighborhood because somebody rich and/or powerful fears these people. See, it's the government and their pawns on their police forces and the people who most fear for their position of wealth and power who want us all to believe that the masses are full of hateful, vile people. The masses are not. Although, let's face it. When you meet that one dick in a thousand, you forget about the existence of the other 999 cool people. Fucking dicks ruin everything.

Just screaming into a megaphone that something is unlawful doesn't make it so.

Just like a pig! Shouting bullshit orders to give them a bullshit excuse to arrest people for resisting arrest! How in the world can anybody ever be charged with only resisting arrest? You fuckers had best charge me with something else first or else I wasn't resisting shit.

Currently Superman is battling a Sludge Monster down at the pier. Superman seems to recognize the thing? Like he's battled them before somewhere? Or something? I wish I knew more!

Oh thanks! I'll fucking check that out! Or--now hear me out--how about not publishing stories that rely on information in stories that have yet to be published? Tell this fucking story after Superman #44 comes out! In the meantime, tell some other fucking Superman story that takes places before he loses his identity. I hate you, DC Comics.

Superman pulls some old tall tale bullshit and rodeos the shadow monster into a conveniently placed gas truck near a helpful fire. He blows it up and he survives even though he's "not as invulnerable" as he was. So how invulnerable is he? And how strong is he? And what happened to his Solar Flare Power? And why does everybody know who he is? And why do they all hate him? And why am I still reading this piece of shit comic book?

The police move in on the Block Party because they want everybody to know if you approve of Supeman, you're not worth protecting. This story is so poorly written that I should be angry at Greg Pak and yet he and his dumb story are just making me angrier at a police force that's supposed to protect and serve the populace but which does neither. At their best, they're just glorified meter maids handing out as many tickets as they possibly can. Most cops could probably be replaced by red light cameras and speed trap vans. And even though I'm opposed to those things, I'd rather have my city full of them than actual police officers. Fuck those guys. Even the good ones who supposedly take their job seriously because they're not taking it seriously enough to stand up and help stamp out the corruption among their peers!

This guy must have transferred over from Gotham.

Binghamton orders the SWAT team to beat the shit out of Superman as he just stands and takes it. Who are these guys on the SWAT team that just follow bullshit, violent, sadistic orders like this? I bet it's Lex Luthor in a mask and a wig! He probably paid off the SWAT guy to get a chance to beat the shit out of Superman legally. I mean, um, "legally."

Binghamton fires tear gas into the crowd and the SWAT guys begin beating the shit out of people. I guess the interview to become a member of the SWAT team in Metropolis is just two questions: Do you love beating people? and Do you absolutely love beating people? Meanwhile, Jimmy Olsen just stands around taking pictures. Not because he's hoping for a Pulitzer! No! He needs to get the truth to the people!

Superman can't stand around being peaceful any longer and punches the fuck out of Binghamton. I wonder if Jimmy Olsen got a photograph of that! I bet J. Jonah White runs that shot on the cover of the Bugle Planet!

Action Comics #42 Rating: -3 Ranking. Why is this comic book making me so angry?!

Green Lantern #42

I wonder what this mysterious "Medusa effect" is all about?!

Remember when allusions to classical mythology and The Bible were mainstays of literature? Now it's all Simpsons references and fart jokes. I must say, I'm equally at home with any of those.

The issue begins with an old school comic book introduction. "Formerly the leader of the intergalactic police force known as the Green Lantern Corps, Hal Jordan is now hunted by cops and criminals alike. Wandering an ever-changing universe, he's about to discover that some unfortunate truths are 'WRITTEN IN STONE.'" If it had begun with "For your consideration..." and was half-hidden in a haze of smoke, I'd think this was an episode of "The Twilight Zone." Although if it were a Twilight Zone episode, there would be nearly no need to read it because there's an 85% chance that the theme is "Loneliness will drive you crazy."

Hal has just visited the space where Oa used to be and where Mogo once resided. It's empty now. He's now zipping through space with his ship, Darlene, his captive, Trapper, and his sidekick, The Little Prince. Hal is heading toward the Little Prince's asteroid to drop him (and his captive) off so he can search for the missing Green Lanterns. It's too bad they had to disappear because he was about to have a really great adventure ignoring the fuck out of them. But they always do this. They always pull him right back into their drama!

They arrive at The Little Prince's asteroid and it's not the reunion Little Prince was hoping for.

Technically they're just turned to stone! You just need to find a competent magic-user of high enough level to cast Stone to Flesh.

Trapper's thug friends ambush Hal Jordan in orbit around the planet. I know Hal Jordan is going to survive this battle because he's the last Green Lantern (technically!) and the title of the book is Green Lantern and not Trapper's Thuggish Buddies. But after seeing just two of Trapper's crew, I'm kind of wishing the title of this book were Trapper's Thuggish Buddies.

Oh Mr. Goggles! Who's a silly boy?! You're a silly boy! Aren't you a silly boy?!

Hal Jordan does not get vaporized at all. Not even close. To celebrate, Hal decides to have a double page splash of himself flying amidst a storm of Pop Rocks. It's as big a waste as any double splash page by David Finch or Tony S. Daniel except--and I truly hate to say this. It hurts down to the core of my being to type this--not as good looking. Sorry, Billy Tan. I know you can never forgive me for that statement nor would I ever ask you to. Although now I'm wondering why they never had any savory flavored Pop Rocks, like Meatloaf Bonanza Pie or Jalapeno Dude Ranch.

Hal Jordan loses control for a few seconds and almost kills Mr. Goggles and his buddy Flipper Lobes. When he loses control, he looks at his glove as if it's to blame. Hey Hal? Might I suggest you stop blaming your emotional problems on your attire and maybe go see a Space Therapist?

And then something completely unexpected happens if you purchased the Teen Titans Go Variant Cover of Green Lantern! And also if you forgot about how everybody on the planet was a statue! A tiny space rock that just missed Hal Jordan's ear as it flew by in orbit bangs into Mr. Goggles' ship's windshield!

No! Mr. Goggles! He was my favorite DC character ever!

Mr. Goggles' ship crashes into another ship which crashes into another ship and they all turn to stone. Hal Jordan decides to let Trapper out of his cell so he can see what has happened to his crew and realize that he's all alone now. Just like if this were a Twilight Zone episode! Except this is one of the happy ones because he's going to find out that he has friends in The Little Prince and Hal Jordan (but not Darlene. The ship doesn't need any more friends and dislikes the ones she has anyway). Since The Little Prince is the last person alive from his world, Hal allows him to choose Trapper's punishment. The Little Prince must be a fan of Seinfeld because he chooses to make Trapper his butler.

Meanwhile Black Hand is thinking about changing his name to Stone Hands because, well, his hands are now made of stone. Not just any stone! They're made of the Source Wall! And anything which touches it turns to stone. So he's having a problem raising an army of the dead because they all just keep turning to stone. I guess releasing all of those creatures from the Source Wall way back in Cosmic Green Lantern Crisis #432 was a bad idea because once they turned back into Source Wall, they were free to float about the universe Source Walling up the place. Is this where the kids would just type "smh"?

Green Lantern #42 Rating: No change with a caveat! I like what's going on in this comic book but that doesn't mean it doesn't have its flaws (like that double splash page that was mostly green Pop Rocks!). I do like the idea of Hal Jordan forming a starship crew to cruise the galaxy getting into wacky adventures. The only problem with it is that only one comic book comes out per month. This feels like an idea that could last a long time. But after one year, people will be thinking, "He's still in that stupid ship?!" But one year of comics is hardly any story at all! So I have a feeling the whole Hal Jordan, Space Pirate, story arc isn't going to last as long as I'd like it to last.

At the end of the books this week is a short interview with Brenden Fletcher and Annie Wu. I don't know what I said to make Annie want to kick my ass but I'm sorry, okay?!

I no longer like anything written by Brenden Fletcher, just on principle.

Judging by the interview, Brenden Fletcher's entire idea for Black Canary was that she knows Kung Fu and has a great voice but she has no stage presence and therefore she will eventually do Kung Fu on stage and be a big hit. Everybody applauds and goes back to talking about bands you've never heard of, probably because some of them were made up during the course of the conversation.